Shadow Work for Relationships: Healing Unseen Wounds

Have you ever heard the term shadow work? And have you ever thought about shadow work in terms of how it applies to relationships and can transform your experience of relationships? Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. Welcome to the Healing is possible experience. I am your host, emotional healing and relationship coach, Rebecca Silence. Here to delve into one of the things that I have seen as the ultimate game changer for the couples that I coach in the relationship coaching work that I do, and it is taking on shadow work. We hear about shadow work meaning the blind zone areas, the dark areas of our past that most of the time, people see as locked in Pandora's box. They don't want to open that box because they don't want to rock the boat further. They don't want to make things worse. But we think about shadow work applying just to ourselves as individuals. I want us today to dive into shadow work for relationship so that you can see that not only is shadow work a way to heal yourself as an individual, but also a way to heal your relationship and your partner. Just because you take it on, it doesn't even require your partner to do the shadow work with you. For shadow work to enhance your experience of relationship and to heal and transform the relationships that you're in that need maybe a little bit of CPR or tlc. This show is here every single week to take you on a journey of hope and healing in an effort to help you come back to life and to support you in having your most fulfilled quality of life experience possible. It's what you deserve. And I've never had a client not want more out of their relationship, regardless of what they come to me for. So today is all about shadow work in relationships. So how do we face the unseen blind zone areas and wounds that preferably, we'd love to keep in the shadows Again, in an effort not to make our experience of relationship even harder or heavier or to create more disconnection, here's the myth. Shadow work, or delving into whatever it is that we've got locked in Pandora's box is going to make things worse. This is actually the solution. But we do need the right guidance. We do need the right support. So where do we begin? So the two major things I'm going to touch on today are one, how do we understand shadow work? And how do we begin and then stick around until the very end of this episode where I will share with you the best question I ask couples that begins to open things up and lighten things up and connect them even more profoundly than Maybe ever before. So what is shadow work? Shadow work is looking at the parts of myself that I think it's going to hurt too much to address and to face. And the bottom line is, if we don't face it, it's running the show. So what people do without meaning to, over and over again on repeat, like Groundhog Day in their relationship is they fight with ghosts. Here's what I mean by that. I project onto you that you're abandoning me because I've been abandoned over and over and over again. Maybe starting with my mother at age 5. Whatever the case, I. I've got this trigger, this wound, this past that I reinforce meaning. I create more evidence to support that the same experience is happening to me again. And now you're the cause of me feeling abandoned again. That is an example of what I'm going to describe as you fighting with ghosts unnecessarily, where in reality, I could be looking at my partner and recognizing, wait a minute. This isn't another person abandoning me. This is me aware of my abandonment wounds and issues in such a way where this could be the last time. Because of you, I see my need to heal through my abandonment wounds. Do you hear how different that is than. Here we go again. You're abandoning me. And now all of that pain and darkness and heartbreak has me consumed again. Versus I see how my brain and my heart and my body want to take me on a roller coaster ride, experiencing the depths of the discomfort and pain around how abandoned I've been. I'm going along for the ride one more time. Path a choice. A. You're helping me see what I couldn't see about me so that I can heal it, so I can be a better partner. So I can be a healthier, more mature, more adult version of the me I want to be in this relationship with you. Or. Here we go again, one more time, I'm going to be abandoned and wounded and alone and left and. And rejected again. It doesn't have to be the second one, but we have to recognize the difference between when we're fighting with ghosts and when we have an opportunity to heal. This is shadow work in relationships and my doing the work. Not only does it model that possibility for the people I'm in relationship with, but it sets me free regardless of how the other person shows up. I've got so many stories here, but let me just give you an example of a case study. I had a couple. They had met in their early 20s, and it was a beautiful story. He was in the Military home, celebrating, fell in love with this woman. She was in a different relationship at the time. She ended up having a beautiful moment with this man, but then went back to the previous partner. And 20 years later, they show up in my office. They had found each other again and they wanted to make it work. And they were ready to commit finally to this love story that they both been fantasizing about for the past 20 years. Now they were together, now they were ready to take on a future. The future looked so bright and then they were both terrified. So what we did was we got to look at what was it about each of them separate individually that had them so guarded that they put this love story on hold for 20 years. What was it that had them both so afraid of love, of intimacy, of connection, of a healthy experience of love? We are so good at dysfunctional, toxic relationship dynamics. And I've never met anyone that wasn't excellent at dysfunctional toxic relationship dynamics. So we explored what is it about each of you as an individual that you're bringing to the table that has nothing to do with the other, that you're going to keep playing out without the right support. If we're not careful, that will get in the way of what you imagine this beautiful relationship could be. So they both did some healing. One had had a mentally ill mother that completely abandoned them. The other felt very, very over responsible because one of his parents growing up had been severely depressed, extremely successful one second, lost everything the next second and never seemingly was able to recover from it. So this one didn't want themselves to be putting themselves in a position to lose everything. This one was just a victim to losing their mother at a very young age and hadn't been able to recover from that and got very good at being alone and protecting themselves from being vulnerable and putting their heart on the line because it just hurt too much. That's just one example. So this couple stayed together, did couples coaching, did a two day couples intensive with me. And what I do in these two day couples intensives is I give pre homework to both parties. I get to see where things are in alignment, where things are out of alignment, what's working, what's missing, what's not working. And I Design a premium VIP 2 day experience specific to this couple's needs. Because one of the things I'll say here is couples work. It's not cookie cutter. There's no right way to heal and reinvent your relationship. But we have to look at what are the wounds that are playing out, that if we you don't take them on. The past will inevitably repeat. Disconnection will inevitably drive a wedge between the two people and the future and the possibilities of what they want. That love story that they've dreamt could come true for them won't be able to manifest. And I've never had a couple that did a two day couples intensive with me and didn't end up either closer to or right smack dab in the middle of what they always imagined they could have. But we can't have the shadow side of ourselves, which another way to say that is that unhealed inner child. We can't have that unhealed inner child leading the relationship and expect any part of the relationship to feel good or go well. We need the healed adult. But without shadow work, we can't get to the healed adult that decides for themselves what they want now, regardless and in spite of what they saw. The second big thing I want to say about shadow work before I get to so what do we do next Is I have also never had a couple not playing out their parents patterns and their parents pain. And if things are going sideways, if there's struggle, if there's conflict, it is history repeating the history of you as an individual. And it's generational patterns that we pass on in spoon feed generation after generation that at one point someone gets to say, it stops with me. I want you to consider that you can break the relationship trauma patterns that have been passed on and passed on and it's nobody's fault, nobody meant to do it, they just didn't know a better way. But it can stop with you. And if you want more for your relationship, you can't be one of those people going, when you behave better, I'll start to behave better. You'll be waiting. Eternities go first. It stops with me, whether I stay with you or not. These patterns, these wounds, it stops with me and it stops now. And I am stronger than my fear of heartbreak repeating and my willingness to face the heartbreak that I didn't think I was able to survive if I faced it. That's what changes everything. Not just for me, but for the kids that are watching me, for the lineage that came before me and will come after me. This shadow work, especially when it comes to relationships, it's everything to open your heart again and to teach you how to keep your heart open. So that takes me into, okay, so now what? Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do? Three things, three next steps that I want you to start with number one, you've got to see yourself and your partner is innocent. Everybody is doing the best they can with the tools they have. I promise you, you're innocent. They're innocent. A great one liner that I teach my couples is I'm not wrong. You're not wrong. Help me understand. What are you feeling? What are you needing? What are you wanting? And then start with yourself. I'm innocent. Let me take a beat to understand. What am I feeling? What am I needing? What am I wanting? And please consider, you're not the problem in your relationship and neither is your partner. You're the solution. You're the solution. You're the solution. And your partner is also the solution when it comes to the experience you're having. So what would it be like in your relationship to welcome triggers? To welcome those moments where it feels like your partner is sticking their finger in your unhealed wounds and digging around and it's excruciating? What if that's a moment where everything gets to change for the better because you're awake and you're aware and you're unwilling to feel this way regardless of what they're doing? I'll never forget a huge pattern of fights that I was having with my husband Mark early on in the relationship. And I was in my driveway and I was on the phone with a dear friend. His name was Ken. Thank you, Ken, for this moment. And I remember these words coming out of my mouth. I am willing to have this fight with Mark on repeat as many times as it takes until it doesn't level me like this, until I'm not a puddle on the floor, but instead a version of myself I can respect and be proud of and love. Love yourself for caring about love. Love yourself for wanting love. Love yourself for wanting better from yourself so that you can have a better experience of love and relationship. Okay, so step two after again, step one, everybody's innocent. I'm not wrong. You're not wrong. Help me understand. We've got to stay in possibility. Not only that, these patterns don't have to repeat. Not only in the possibility that I don't need things to be different, I can be better and more of the adult in this moment and less of the unhealed inner child. With of course, so much compassion for the unhealed inner child that had a very real experience that likely had really inappropriate, really unfair, really dysfunctional things happening at home that they were watching and experiencing. But now I get to be more the adult and less the wounded inner child. And anytime we're wounded, especially in our relationships. It's our inner child that's taken over. The adult has agency. Children have a threat and an experience of agency being taken from them. But adults, they get to decide powerfully. And we are deciding powerfully. One decision at a time, one breakthrough opportunity at a time in our relationships, who we're going to be. And we're either being the person on that roller coaster ride, experiencing Groundhog Day again and again and again, or we're rising to the occasion of leading in new possibility and a new experience for ourselves. So from the place of seeing yourself and your partner as innocent, and from there, stepping into being the adult in the room that you always needed, that maybe you've never had before now. STEP 3 Listen and only Focus on Solutions it is so common in my couples work that I see couples passing the problem back and forth to like hot potato. I'm blaming you, you're blaming me. Problem, problem, problem. We're talking about the problem. We're thinking about the problem. We're reactivated and re experiencing the problem. Well, what about solutions from a calm, grounded, neutral place. Here's what would feel good to me, what would feel good to you? And then listen. Listen to yourself first to access your ideas for solutions. Listen to your partner second. Hear their solutions. Please don't think that the answer is a compromise, because it's certainly not win. Win is compromise. Often looks like I'm giving up. What would really honor, respect and take care of me in the name of love for you? That's gross. It's called self betrayal and it guarantees resentment. Don't compromise. Have the conversation and negotiate as long as it takes, whatever it takes, until you find a solution that feels good and right and correct and works for both of you. And again, you and your partner, you and whoever you're in relationship with. Because this doesn't apply only to romantic relationship everyone. This also is applicable to all relationships. Your relationship with your children, your relationship with your boss, your relationship with your coworkers, with your team, with your friends, with your family members. These are principles that will change your relationships for good. But the the common thread that I'm hoping you're seeing woven throughout today's episode in this message is you taking responsibility over who you're being, how you're leading, what it is that your actions are doing to either propel the relationship forward or to keep your relationship small in the same patterns that are frustrating you. You don't have to be irritated. You don't have to spend another week, another Weekend, another day, another year, another decade, feeling like you're having the same fight on repeat. When I'm working with couples, I want them to understand we just have to face this fight and get all the way through it, and then you don't have to have that same fight again. Now, you might end up having a different conflict, but you can learn how to navigate it so fast and so peacefully and so grounded that you're feeling empowered and liberated and keeping your heart open and staying connected, and your partner's doing the same. Now, we can't make our other partner or another person show up differently than past partners or, you know, other relationships that we've had in the past. But we can know that we did our best. We can know that we left no stone unturned. We can give ourselves grace, and from there, we can give our partner grace. And the goal is connection. And the goal is to stay connected and connected to possibilities and intimacy, which is just my soul seeing your soul and your soul seeing my soul, even when it's vulnerable, even when it's scary, and even when I want to run. And nobody runs away. If you're dealing with someone who's running, just model not running. You don't run. Start there. The goal isn't always out of a sense of false loyalty, to make a relationship work and to keep it intact. But before you run, make sure you've tried these steps. Make sure you've done your best. Make sure you're someone you're proud of. And then everything changes. Because from there, you don't take your patterns with you into your next relationship. And when you run, when you give up, when you throw in the towel before there's been a healing, you take your patterns with you. And that's heavy. And that is no fun at all. As promised, what I want to leave us all with today is the question that I ask couples that changes the game for them over and over and over again. So I'm going to ask you, and I empower you, and I encourage you to journal about this and to ask your partners and then to hear their answers if they're open and willing. But here is the question. Why is having a new and healthy experience, a relationship beyond what you've seen and beyond what you've known, so important to you today? Why is having a new, healthier experience of relationship so important to you today? Take some time. Sit with that. You're innocent. You're beautiful. I don't care who you are. I don't care what you've done. Maybe there's been an affair. Maybe there are secrets and lies. Maybe you're being mean to your partner and you hate yourself for it. Maybe your partner's being mean to you and you don't understand why the hell you still love them and you want to make it work. I don't care what it is that's true for you. If and when you tap into self honesty. You deserve the world and you have everything within you to launch your experience of relationship into next level bliss. I wake up every day looking over at Mark and just thanking my lucky stars and then I pat myself on the back and I pat him on the back energetically thanking us both for having been so willing to commit and to grow together and to heal beyond our childhood traumas running our marriage today. We're creating what we want our way and the past no longer bleeds in to our marriage. That's possible for you too. I love you so much. If you've enjoyed today, subscribe to the YouTube channel. Share this episode with anyone you know. It would support and empower if you haven't already. Also, check out my book Coming Back to Life and all of the resources, free and otherwise@rebecca silence.com the darkness is real, but so is the light. And who knew that shadow work could heal not just you, but also your relationships. Healing is possible. And not just for some of us. For all of us. For me. For you. For everyone that wants it. Healing is possible. I love you so much. All the way down to my core. I will be seeing you soon. Thank you for taking the time to be here with me today and take at least one piece of this episode. Write it down and run with it this week. See you soon. It.