Staying in a Bad Relationship Even if You Are Unhappy.

This is definitely a show to stop what you're doing, turn up the volume and pay attention to. Because no one is immune to having to learn how to navigate relationships, but most of us don't actually learn how to do it in a way where we don't lose ourselves.

Mix 102.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. It's Big Papa in the afternoon. It is time for a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. New book coming out soon. Coming back to life. She's also host as Huffer Together, a breakthrough podcast. And she is life coach extraordinaire, Rebecca Silence. How are you?

Hello, everyone. I'm so good. So glad to be here.

So this week I want to talk about relationships and people who stay in relationships even though they are unhappy and ways to turn it around so it is happy and trying to fix it. And where's the Mendoza line as to I'm unhappy, I want something different and to leave it.

I'm so glad you're asking this. And this is really one of, I think, the most important conversations that we can be having. Right. For those of you listening, this is definitely a show to stop what you're doing, turn up the volume and pay attention to. Because no one is immune to having to learn how to navigate relationships, but most of us don't actually learn how to do it in a way where we don't lose ourselves. The biggest problem with relationships is that it's actually a norm that we're going to lose ourselves for love in our society. And that right there is such a problem.

Yeah, well, the, the thing, the, the thing to do is, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the common thing to do is the, My partner is unhappy. What can I do to help make them happy? Whether. And you know, sacrifice something to give them what they want or need. And I, to me, I think that's the most common thing. And when you, at some point, you just run out of stuff, being able.

To give, or it's the opposite. So you're not wrong. But there's a flip side to that coin, which is I'm going to blame you for why I am unhappy. Right. Like, on one hand, people are trying to do everything in their power to avoid conflict in the relationship. When we're wanting our partner to be happy, what we're really wanting is there to be no conflict. Yes, we care about our partner, but the big issue, right, is we're trying to avoid conflict at all costs. That is why we betray ourselves. That is why we Sacrifice ourselves. And that is why we lose our identity to have the relationship. Because we don't want there to be conflict. And it's both. It's me thinking my job is to please you so there's no conflict. Or it is your job to please me and if there's conflict or if I'm upset, it's your fault. Those are the big, like, relationship ending issues that most people don't know how to navigate because they haven't learned how. And there's this acceptance of if I'm going to have love, it's that or I can be single and independent.

But relationships don't start like that, though.

Well, here's what happens. This is what starts young. That's our modeling of where we always are going to end up in relationship. So the fresh love, great phases of the relationship, the honeymoon phases, if you will, they're real. But think about how young we learn that A, adults are miserable and B, relationships are wide.

I'm sorry, I popped in that adults are miserable. What was the other part?

And relationships are.

Yeah, okay. All right, all right.

Yeah, right. I mean, seriously. So we end up where we think that's where everybody ends up in relationships. Because that's what we saw growing up. So one of the best things you can do, let's talk about this Mendoza line that you speak of, is just understand that the goal of no conflict in your relationship is a screwed up metric. Because as two people grow together, as two people are human beings living their lives, there are going to be conflicts, meaning unknown, unchartered waters that we haven't navigated before or that we know we're going to need to navigate or we're just kind of bored and dead in the water. Right? People don't want to be staying the same forever. They want life, they want adventure, they want more experience. And then again, we don't know how to grow with the people we love as we want more because we're afraid that if we're not who we've always been, they won't love us. Right. But if you don't give yourself permission to understand that you can have both your independence and a relationship, you'll be miserable in relationships. And if you don't give yourself permission to fire yourself from the job description of it's my job to keep my partner happy and it's their job to keep me happy, you're in trouble. You're just going to keep ending relationships and having the same experience with new people over and over and over again. So how do you know, when it's time to leave? That's what we should really be talking about here. Because people either stay too long or leave too soon.

Hey, Rebecca, how do you know when it's time to leave?

Here's. I'm so glad you asked me that question. Okay, here's the thing. You're clear. Now. I'm going to make this sound really simple because it is. It's not easy, but what do I mean by clear? It's like my friend Eric Plattenberg, one of my old teachers, used this metaphor to know when something's complete. And I just love it. And I've lived by it ever since. He said, you know, something is complete when it's just done. Like you're putting down your fork at the end of the meal. You're just complete. There's no drama, there's no charge. There's no story about, should I keep eating? Should I not keep eating? It's just done. So now how do you actually get to that point where it's just complete from a neutral place? There's nothing to do. It's. It's just done. Right? How do you get there? You. Look at you. You're the cause of your upset, your suffering, your misery, your stress, your anxiety, your depression, your worry in relationships. Not.

Not anybody else. Not anybody else.

Right. You. And I'm not even saying it's your fault. I'm just saying you're the only one that can actually heal all that funk. And by the way, when we're all funky, we're not that attractive. So if you're wondering why there's problems in the relationship, if you've got any type of stress or upset going on in you, it bleeds out into the relationship. And the good news is, it's not your fault that you've gotten to this place in the relationship. It's what you've been modeled and taught is inevitable. But you can be the difference maker that has a new experience of relationship for you that then models that for your family. One of my absolute dream come true has been my marriage and my kids and the family we have built. And by far the marriage and family that I have built is my greatest accomplishment. And what I am doing with couples and families every single day is helping them reinvent and recreate a new experience of marriage and family for them that is so far from what they saw. So it is you that's the one responsible for doing the inner work so that you internally have an experience of freedom and fulfillment and knowing who you are. No matter what your partner does. So if you haven't done that yet, get on the phone with me or hire another coach or therapist and start doing that inner work. Get support because it's never your partner's fault. And break up from you thinking it's your job to please so there's no conflict. That's just a way to avoid what's going on in you. And then when you've actually done that internal work, that is when it's time to look at leaving. I do two day couples intensives that are basically either a way to help people just take what's working and build on it, or it's the Hail Mary pass to help people see if the marriage can last or the relationship or not. And one of my favorite things to do is help people gracefully break up. It's okay if you've outgrown the relationship, if you've gotten everything there is to learn out of the relationship, and if you're ready for more. But if you're not coming from a place of respect and love and gratitude for your partner, you didn't do everything you could do to learn as much as you can from that relationship. I'm a divorcee. I'm very pro divorce, but only once you've left no stone unturned. I had a lot more to learn, but I made it take longer. And it was harder than it had to be because I didn't understand. My first husband was showing me all of my deepest, darkest pain that I hadn't dealt with yet. The other thing, just very simply that I say to couples when I'm vetting them to see whether or not they're a good fit to work with me in the relationship. I look for three things if both people want, even if they don't know how to make it work. Now we have some, some gold to work with. If there's someone in an active addiction not getting help, there's nothing I can do for that couple because the person in addiction is more in relationship with their addiction than this person and they need help for that. And then the third thing is if there's violence, we need to separate the two people and get the violence dealt with. Meaning the violence can't continue. They can't be in the same space. So we talk a lot about the local YMCA resources here on this show. If anyone is in trouble. But as long as both people want it to work, nobody's in an active addiction that isn't getting help and there is no violence happening. Is so much magic that we can create. And most of the problems are stemming from what you saw growing up that you're recreating because you just think this is how it is. Whether you were conscious of that or not, that's not the issue. Most likely you weren't even conscious. And then it can be different than what you saw. And stay until you've done your work and go. Once you're at a place where it's like you're blowing them a kiss and so grateful. And if you're not there, you got work to do.

It's a mental wellness Wednesday Life Coach Rebecca Silence, the upcoming book Coming Back to Life. You can preorder it right now on Amazon. And for all of your Rebecca Silence needs, you can just go to rebeccasilence. Com. Always a pleasure. Great stuff. We'll talk next week.

Bye, everyone. Thank you.