Stop Seeking Validation from Others: How to Restore Self-Worth

Always looking for validation. Always looking for the approval. Always looking for the attention from people and places and things where it's not being offered.

You're successful just because you breathe. What if there's no achievement that can validate you enough to prove you've earned your right to identify as successful?

Mix with a 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big papa in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. Rebecca, how are you?

Very well. Super excited for another mental wellness Wednesday. Where are we going today?

Chasing the hug. That's where we're going. Chasing the. And this is coming straight from me.

Okay.

Always, always looking for validation. Always looking for the approval. Always looking for the attention from people and places and things where it's not being offered. And because it's not being readily offered, it, you know, you want to. You want that hug more. Does that, does that make sense? Like, just like, wanting that approval, needing that approval? I know it's. It sounds really dumb, but, like, I catch. I've caught myself like three or four times in the last month chasing the hug, and I'm like, what am I doing right now?

I love this. And this conversation is so important. And you just always continue to have me respect you more and more and more. Your vulnerability and your leadership and just owning it. Saying, this is actually for me, but it's actually for everyone. I have met one human immune to self doubt. Right. And that's really what's underneath the need for external validation versus the ability to internally validate and love yourself. But let me ask you this. Why?

So we could talk about it generally. Rebecca, we didn't have to go. We have to do a deep dive.

Here, but can we speak to and heal the hearts of as many people as possible that are right here with you? Right.

Yeah, go ahead.

Here's the big question. And everybody listening, consider what your answer would be. But the big question is getting the hug proves what? Like, let's take it deeper. What's.

I don't know. I haven't gotten it. But that's the thing. Like, you, you know, you, You. You chase it. You put it up on that pedestal, you know, getting validation for. From this person for this or validation from that person for that. And, you know, just trying and putting that effort in. It's almost like having one of those, you know, well, if I get this, I'll be happy. But that's not. Here's the thing, that's not the case. And I, I realize that. And that's Where I catch myself. But there are some times where I've gotten myself worked up being like, what in the. And. And that's where I catch myself.

Right, but you just opened up for Brett Michaels. You've got multiple wins and victories constantly coming your way. It's just a case of it's never enough. So why I'm asking, what is the need or what is the. The heartbreak, quite frankly, that if you got the hug you feel like now I'd be okay.

I'm not sure what you're asking. I'm sorry.

Here's what I'm asking. And it is cheesy as this is everyone listening. If you're not driving and safe, you can close your eyes for a second, but just find the word. If I get the hug, it proves I am validation. Validated. And when you're validated, it heals the part of you that. That what? Fears you're not worthy. Fears you're not lovable. Fears you're not enough.

All of it. Not successful enough. Like, all that stuff.

Yeah, not successful. Okay, so let's go there, because that's the word you used.

I mean, there's a bunch of. There's a bunch of things, but yeah, that. Like, that's, you know, for. For a certain thing. Yeah, that is. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so the validation proves you're successful is there because one of the things that doesn't work is to heal symptoms versus the root. Right. So is it I'm not successful that's the fear? Or is it a different word that hurts even more?

And this. And this sounds bad because, like. Because I know that I'm successful to a point. I know that I've done lots of work, and I've been able to do a lot of things because of my hard work. And, you know, I've been able to do a lot of things I never thought I would in my wildest dreams would be. It would be able to do, but. And that's where, like, I catch myself chasing that hug, where I'm like, wow, everybody is just so over the moon, happy for me, and proud of me, but that person and, like, okay. And I realize it's a them thing, not a me thing, but at the same time, it still stings. Does that make sense?

Well, it does. And I'm trying to help you get to the you thing so that the hug isn't a band aid on a bullet hole.

Okay.

To heal. What is this Emotional insecurity, we'll call it. Right. And knowing there's that song from the greatest showman. Never enough that without healing the wound, the bullet hole, then it doesn't matter how many band aids we put on it. It doesn't matter how much victory, how much success, how much other people are proud of you. Right? So the two things I'm hearing are, one, well, I'm not successful without the hug. Two, I'm not sure I can be proud of myself without the hug. Which one hurts more? Or is the shakier one.

The first one.

Okay, so what if. And this is for Gary, but this is for every one of you listening. You're successful just because you breathe. What if there's no achievement that can validate you enough to prove you've earned your right to identify as successful? This is a heartbreak issue. This is an identity issue. And if we identify as unsuccessful because of low self esteem from childhood abuse, trauma, whatever it might be, as an adult, regardless of how successful we are, we still age, regress emotionally to being the unsuccessful inner child. And on an identity level, we're more convinced we're unsuccessful than we're believing we're successful. And the point is, you don't have to achieve your way into success. You're successful because you breathe. You're successful because every day you wake up caring about being the best you can be. And is there ever a day, Gary Spears, where you wake up and you're not determined to be the best you can be that day?

No, I, that's, that's the goal. I'm going to, I'm going to flip it on you real quick. What about people that. Because I think more people will resonate with people that chase the hug emotionally from someone else. Like, how many times do people, you know, try to stay with someone who doesn't treat them well, or they're always trying to get that, that, you know, that quote, unquote, that hug from, from a member of the opposite sex, you know, just to get that attention, just to get that, you know, that kind of stuff. I think, I think more people, even more people will, Will resonate with that kind of thing.

But it's the same conversation, right? I chase the hug because my inner child, my identity, doesn't believe I'm successful. And the bottom line is this. And everybody, you can take it from me. I thought who I was, and then I got a cancer diagnosis and a 5% chance to live. And there was no external validation. There was never going to be enough, you know, chasing the hug to prove I was okay as I was. I wasn't able to achieve anything. But keep breathing and keep surviving and keep fighting for my life. And we chase the hug because on some level we don't believe we're enough already. That's why we chase the hug. And we stay in bad relationships, tolerating bad behavior, abuse, being disrespected. The list could go on and on and on because we're more believing we're not enough than believing we're worthy of better and more. And until you make a decision to let go of the part of you that believes you're not enough, replacing it with the deepest levels of self respect, you will keep being disappointed, you will keep chasing the hug, you will stay unfulfilled and you will keep putting band aids on bullet holes. You are successful because you breathe, you are enough because you are divine. You are perfection in terms of not that you're perfect, but your heart is, your spirit is, your soul is. And it took me being sick having to love and respect and honor my soul and the truth of who I am to never need to chase a hug again. And we don't need a breakdown and we don't need a crisis and we don't need more heartbreak to give us permission to choose to own how enough and how successful and how worthy you are. And if you won't own how enough how successful and worthy you are, you'll keep chasing hugs, you'll keep your self esteem low and you'll keep proving yourself right that you don't get to have better raise your hand, Demand better for yourself. But start with you. You Can I teach this to my clients? Treat yourself the way you would an innocent toddler having a meltdown or a tantrum. And until you do, you're going to feel so alone. And you're not alone. And you never have to feel alone again. And that is a promise. But until you're your own best company owning your worth, you won't have the courage to say no to what's not good enough for you. And I want you saying no to what's not good enough for you. Not accepting crumbs, having the highest standards of excellence. And if you want that for yourself, very simply, it's not easy. But it is this simple. And it's time to raise your hand and go, I've been through enough. I demand better for myself. It's time to respect myself and own my worth like never before. And here's the good news about that. Once you do own your worth like never before, you attract people who own their worth at the same level. And we attract people owning their worth. And from there they get to own ours because they already know how to validate and respect themselves. So I'll say it one more time, different way. When you respect yourself, you attract people who respect themselves. When you attract people who respect themselves, they're way better equipped to be a good partner and a respectful partner to you. It's when we're unhealed and unvalidated that we attract other people. Unhealed and unvalidated. And then we wonder why we're disappointed by that relationship. Raise the bar. Start with you. You don't have to achieve more. It's not about doing. It's about owning your worth and knowing your best is enough. And your best is enough. It always has been, it always will be. But after this conversation, please take on owning your worth, owning that success looks like you being good to yourself, not achieving. And watch your life start to unfold and notice how not alone you feel. I'm almost never alone at this season of my life. I can't return all the phone calls or the messages. I do my best, but when I am alone, it is such a gift. I am my favorite company and I don't say that arrogantly. It's true. And it took me a year in a cancer bed fighting for my life to fall in love with who I am, the essence of who I am. And I don't want you to have to have a crisis to fall in love with yourself.

Just decide if you want more content from life coach Rebecca Silence. You can go to rebeccasilence.com you can add her on social media as well. There are videos and all kinds of things there. Also, the book Coming Back to Life is available wherever you get your books as well. Rebecca, Incredible stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you all. See you soon.