Supporting Aging Parents: How to Create Emotional Health and Stronger Relationships

When it comes to that point in life where you have to take care.

Of your parents, think about it like this. The more intentional you are, the more support you can be.

Mixed with a 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big copy in the afternoon. Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence, of course, the book Coming Back to life, available wherever books are sold and of course, rebeccasilence.com Rebecca, how are you?

Hello everyone. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday.

Rebecca. We talk a lot about taking care of yourself, you know, obviously, and taking care of your kids, but we don't really talk a lot about when it comes to that point in life where you have to take care of your parents and how, you know, it can be an emotional roller coaster at times and awkward at times and it's something that people don't normally think about until it's forced upon them. Can we talk about that a little bit?

Oh my goodness. I think this is such a beautiful conversation to have because it is so real. You know, we shift roles with our parents and it's inevitable. And then how do you navigate that literally emotionally? Right. I think, you know, one of the most important things I could say just to kick this off is if you've still got your parents alive, there is so much just precious opportunity to have that relationship be the best that it possibly can be for the time you have left with that parent. Now, if you've got an abusive parent, if you've got a toxic parent, a parent in addiction, I do just want to say you're not obligated to anything when it comes to the season of now. It's your turn to be support and caregiver caretaker to your parent. So everything I'm about to say, it only applies if it feels good to you. You're under no obligation. I think that is so, so, so important.

Thank you for saying that. I'm lucky in the fact that I don't have that experience, but unfortunately there are lots of people I know that have and I thank you for starting this conversation with that because that's something I wouldn't have thought of because that's not my reality. But it is a lot of people's reality.

Absolutely. And your well being, that doesn't. The priority around your wellbeing, that doesn't change now that you're in a situation. Whether it's a crisis or it's just a slow progression with your parent aging and needing more help. You're under no obligation to anything other than your wellbeing first. So everything that we're about to talk about is only if it feels right and good for you and to you. And you're not a bad person. If you have an ailing aging parent that's alive that you're just not in a position to support, there are other ways for that person to get help. It doesn't have to be you. If you are someone that really does value okay, all of a sudden we've got mortality on the line. You know, my parents getting older, I don't have them forever. I'm seeing them as older. I'm now having to step in in ways that are new and uncomfortable. And I can't believe we're already here, you know, again, well, being first, nothing out of obligation. But think about it like this. The more intentional you are, the more support you can be. So how do you want to see your parent? Maybe your intention is for the rest of the time that you've got them and they have you, you want them to experience their greatness. You want to see them as whole and healed and as the best they can be and you want them experiencing you. So seeing them that way, maybe it's. You want to repair for lost time. Maybe over the last 10 years or even just with COVID you haven't been as present as you wish you could be. So now we're focusing on quality time and I think for all of you listening, quality time is where it's at. An authentic connection is where it's at. And don't think it's all up to you. You have the ability to find additional support. Maybe there's in home care involved or may your parent is in assisted living or some type of long term care. Let yourself lean on the support, be the heartbeat of the team without feeling pressure so that you can have more quality time so that you can see and speak to the greatness and experience the greatness of your parent. But more than anything, let yourself be experienced as the best of you and as the version of yourself that you are now. So often when it comes to dealing with aging parents, we're still age regressing to 10, 11, 12 years old. We're treating our parent like, you know, we're still young and putting them on a pedestal. Let yourself be you at the age you are now. Let your parent experience you at the age you are now, the version of you that you've become and let it be quality, light, fun, free for both of you as much as possible. I also couldn't recommend enough capturing some video footage while your parent is lucid telling stories, getting the generational patterns and themes and breakthroughs and overcoming caught uncanny camera. It's so special to have that footage and ask the questions while you still have your parent here that you want answers to and get those answers others and capture it on film again, if that feels right. Now, I also want to speak to. If you are mourning the loss of a parent that you didn't have the opportunity to do what we're talking about here with, it's okay. If your parent has passed, all is not lost. You can do. There's a process called affirmative prayer. There's a book called Neil Neale. Donald Walsh is the author. The book is Conversations with God where the whole book basically, Neil just. He was a homeless alcoholic. He wrote a question and he let divine guidance come through and answer. You can do this with loved ones, parents that have passed. What questions do you have for them? Write it down. Let the energy come through. You don't think about it. Let the answer come through. See what's there. You just need to know nothing is lost. And you can get whatever healing and resolution you want with your parents, regardless of whether or not they are alive or they have passed. But you being a version of you in that relationship that you can be proud of, that's the most important gift you can give to yourself. You letting yourself process all of the emotions along the way. This isn't fair. I feel pressure. I don't want to have to do this. Don't do it alone. Process that with support so you can stay as clear as possible, as grounded as possible, and let the light in you shine possibility on this relationship and on both of your futures, yours and your parents.

Rebecca when it comes to the older generation, there's a lot of pride. There's a lot of independence. And as people get older, you know, a lot of times the pride and the independence and they don't want to admit to themselves that they can't do some of the things that they could before and. And whatnot. Yeah. Can we. Can we talk about the, the. The pride. And I don't want to say stubbornness, but a lot of times it's, let me help. No, I don't want your help. Kind of a deal. Can we talk about that real quick? Because I know that's. That's another angle.

Absolutely. And I, in the beginning of my career, just for the record, I worked in nursing homes with Alzheimer's patients and dementia patients. And one of the saddest things was seeing people recognizing that they didn't recognize themselves. Anymore, their mind and their body, they weren't on the same page. Right. They were still seeing themselves as younger or wishing that they were younger or seeing their bodies as physically, you know, disabled or not able to do what they wanted to do. And it's so frustrating. And then me as a cancer survivor, I had that experience. My. My body wasn't where my mind was right. So I think the most important thing to do if you're dealing with a family member in that meet them where they are, but again, speak to their power and their greatness. Every interaction is empowered as possible. That's the medicine here. While still validating that you have every right to be frustrated that you can't even walk across the room to get your newspaper in the morning. You have every right to have these emotions around. All of a sudden, looking at the mirror and not being able to recognize what you see or not liking how you feel. Right. So, so meet your loved one where they are while also keeping the bar as high as possible. We meet the bar where it's set. So one of the worst things we can do is feel sorry for our loved one because that energy will radiate. And I, when I was sick, I told people, if you're going to see me as sick and dying and treat me like I'm sick and dying, I will not have anything to do with you until I'm fully well. I don't want it in my space. Right? So see their greatness, speak to their greatness, See their health speak to be as empowering as possible without, you know, being in some type of toxic, positivity, denial place. Right? But they're still here and they're still of value and deserving of the best quality of life possible for the rest of their life. And you are deserving of the best quality of life while you're in this caretaking mode for as long as you're in it, it doesn't have to mean less of a life for either party. And that, I think is so important for people to be hearing right now.

The book is called Coming Back to Life. It's available wherever you get your books. Check out rebeccasilence.com Lots of amazing information, including free help and guides to help you get through different situations. It's life coach Rebecca Silence on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. As always, fantastic job. We'll talk to you next week here.

For all of you and love you so much. Bye bye.