Talking with Self Healing and Relationship Expert Rebeccah Silence

Greetings, dear ones. I am Sonya, the host of the Treasure Is You podcast. Let us aspire to be the greatest forms of physical expression by allowing our presence to navigate the steps of our journey through the highways of our mind, the roads of infinite potential, and through the inner sanctum of our heart, knowing that the treasure is you. Welcome, dear ones. As you can see, I have a lovely guest on the Treasures You podcast, and she is a self-healing relationship expert. She is not just changing lives, she is redefining family happiness for audiences around the world. As an award-winning author coach and media personality. Her mission is clear and deeply achievable: to assure every child grows up with healed and joyful parents, and that every couple discovers a love that is just not sustainable but blissfully transformative. Through her unparalleled expertise in healing generational trauma Rebeccah turns the dream of harmonious, love-filled home into an accessible everyday reality. Her own story of resilience and triumph and 16 years of client success stories assures you that profound, lasting happiness that is possible, and it is within reach. So I welcome you, Rebeccah Silence, to the Treasures You podcast.

Well, thank you for having me, Sonya, and I love the name of your show because you all really are a treasure.

Thank you.

Whether you feel that way or not, I'm honored to be here.

Yes, yes, and so are you. You are most definitely a treasure. That's why the universe aligned us together, right? Yes.

Divine orchestration has us ready to change some lives today.

Yes, that is what it's about. I first want to ask you if you would like to share a part of your story. You can start wherever you like so the viewers can get an understanding, because a lot of people are living in domestic homes and trauma-filled experiences and they don't even know it. They don't realize that, okay, I could be living a different way.

Well, and let's just break down what I mean by healing and what I mean by trauma. So my definition of healing is freedom, and I really believe with all my heart there's no trauma you can't use to your advantage. But how do we even know there's a trauma? Here's how I want you to think about it. If you're stressed, if you're suffering, if you feel pressure, If there's heartbreak, if there's overwhelm, if there's anxiousness or depression, these are all trauma responses. They're all symptoms of unhealed trauma. And the simplest way that I define trauma is heartbreak. So there's no heartbreak that can't heal, and there's nothing that you can't heal your way into experiencing freedom in spite of. And my story is one of growing up in domestic violence. And then without meaning to, I found myself in a domestic violence marriage myself, even with a master's degree in counseling and a 4.0 grade point average and a whole degree and national board certification as a music therapist with a psych minor. I had all this understanding and all of this training. and I recreated how I grew up because that's how it works. We recreate and re-experience what's normal for us without realizing, wait a minute, this isn't actually normal at all. It's just what's normal for me. So I want you all to understand there's 8 billion ways to live, love, heal, lead, grow. There's not just how we grew up, but we inevitably become a vibrational match for what we know, especially when it comes to love trauma until we heal the version of ourselves that needed it to be different. So I grew up with all this understanding, this commitment to becoming an expert in human behavior. And if it wasn't for my daughter, who's about to turn 20 now, I would have probably never broken the cycle for me. I only broke it when I recognized she was in danger. I didn't have the self-worth yet or the self-esteem yet to go, hey, this isn't good enough for me. I'm a treasure. Right. But my daughter was a treasure, and this wasn't good enough for her. So for some of you, I just want you to recognize, if it's misaligned, it's not good enough for you. And if it hurts on any level or upsets you on any level, it's misaligned and it's trauma repeating. And we will absolutely attract what we haven't healed yet until we break the pattern, break the cycle, and leave it in our dust. And what I want you to hear me say to all of you today is you are a treasure, and there ain't nothing you can't heal.

That is so true. Wow, unbelievable. I just— I want to ask you too, you, you said your daughter was what helped you see it and break it. Like, so you went through, I would say, because you say she's 20 now, so 20, probably 20-plus years or 20 years of still, like you said, with a master's degree, 4.0, all of this stuff, because it wasn't healed, right? Because of—

because understanding trauma isn't enough, Sonya, right? Right. Like, we get it, right? But we got to go way beyond mindset and strategy and way beyond traditional therapy trying to help us heal our emotions through the mind. You don't heal anything. And it's almost worse to understand it, but you don't know how to clear it. And in my grad school program, they said you can't help anybody heal, you can help them manage and cope. And I was not down. I'm like, there has to be a better way. So that's what I've created. But I had to break the cycle myself first, right?

Break the cycle. Okay, I, I understand that. With your daughter, can you share, if you want to share, if you something in your daughter? What was it that made you say, okay, I have to do something?

Well, what I, what I realized in a moment, undeniably, was that me being in danger meant she was in danger, right? And I just had this moment, it was almost like lightning struck me, and I knew if I left my husband— and that's where the name Rebeccah Silence came from, by the way, because at the time of marrying this guy I was still somebody committed to silence. I thought my job is to not make things worse, right? My job is to be someone who can love my abusers enough that maybe they'll stop. My job is to manage them, right? So I married a guy with the last name Silence, and then I kept the name because I loved who I became. But there was this moment where I broke the silence and enough was enough. And if I stayed, I was going to be responsible for keeping my daughter at risk. And my mom didn't have the strength to leave, right? And I knew if I left, it would mean I'm on my own. And that's what happened. I had to foreclose on my home, go bankrupt, work 3 jobs, not in some days able to put gas in the car and food on the table. I really had to scrape my way up. I saw her face. She has the same eyes as me, and I saw her eyes, and I knew I'd be responsible for harming her if I stayed. And it was hard because I really loved this guy. And then fast forward, I'm married again, starting this business, you know, that I've had for over 16 years. And I remember a conversation with my ex-husband, and he's screaming at me and my current husband, we weren't married yet. I hung up the phone and I go, oh, he's still in love with me. And my husband now goes, Rebeccah, that is batshit crazy. That is not love, right? And I almost fell off the couch because I really thought like this bad behavior is love. Like abuse and love went together like peanut butter and jelly. And so for all of you listening, it's not normal. To be talked down to. It's not normal for you to feel like if you talk or risk being honest, it's going to create more conflict, so it's not worth it. These are signs that something ain't right, and the only reason we stay in it is because it's what we know and what we associate love with, and it's what's normal for us. So let Sonya and I today plant a seed that if it hurts, it's not love. And it's not normal and it's not good enough, right?

And I have two daughters myself, and my mother went through some abuse, so, you know, I have some trauma and some scars and memories, you know, from that. So because of that, I had this power inside of me to tell my two daughters at a very young age that you do not stay with any person, a man, your friend, anybody, if they talk down to you, if they curse you, if they belittle you, you know, they make you feel bad, you should not stay with anybody that does that. Because I already knew that that was abuse. So I am so happy that my two daughters, they do not put up with any of that stuff. No way. Because, because I knew from, like I said, from what happened in my family with my mother, and then, you know, there's some stuff with my grandmother. I said, no, we are not going to continue having this type of behavior. I'm not going to allow this to be the life experience for my children. So yes, um, I did that at a very young age, and I'm happy that I did that because I did not candy coat anything. I always told the truth, and I as well went through some hard times in my marriage. As you said, these are symptoms and behaviors, right? They're patterns that we, we're just used to being in it, and we don't know that that this is abuse, right? We don't know, right?

Well, and we recreate family even with the purest intentions the way we experienced it growing up until we become a healed adult, right? So we all experience family the way we did as an inner child with our wounds and our past trauma until we heal that inner child. So it's a delicate dance, Sonya, because You know, A, I've realized with my fierce, feisty, almost 20-year-old, I can't need her to have the experience today I need her to have to make all the work I did worth it. I need her to know she gets to be who she is, not who she's expected to be. And my job is more than talking about what I want for her, modeling it. Right, right. That's really what you did for your daughters. You modeled new possibility, and then they get to be their own people on their own soul journey, free will and agency respected, as right. And they're going to do what they're going to do, and we're going to be here, the healed moms that we are, modeling life the way we want it for them. And then it's up to them, because that's what we have control over, right?

Yes.

But yes, you know, our levels of dissatisfaction in love and marriage and family are directly correlated to how dissatisfied we were growing up. And in so many instances, we are not even conscious, right, of the patterns, or of— wait a minute, I now have turned my spouse into the ghost of my past. I now have turned my kids— I've seen it so many times in my private practice where a parent projects onto their kid their unresolved issues with their parent or their siblings. So they're not even dealing with the kid in front of them, right? They're dealing with the ghosts of their past. So Attraction 101 is we attract what we haven't healed yet, and then it's never the other person that's the problem. So it gets dicey and it gets delicate because if you're in danger, get out, run as fast as you can, but get help, get support immediately. But we also have to know we have to break the pattern, right, if we're not going to repeat it. So changing the scenery, right, like on Ellen's Game of Games, hitting that eject button and the person falls through the floor and never heard from again. I don't want it to be whack-a-mole where you get rid of them and now here we go. And even Elizabeth Gilbert that wrote Eat, Pray, Love, she's you know, self-proclaimed— I saw her and met her a couple of years ago— celibate now because she said, I don't know how to not be codependent, so I'm just celibate now. I respect people's free will and agency, but I don't want you to think it's either you aligned or you giving yourself up in the name of love and service in relationship. No, you can become the highest, most healed expression of you. And this is the work I do with my clients. Thousands of success stories in my private practice. Teaching them, wait, we're not ready to leave until you're healed and clear. And I love you, and we've tried, and I've set boundaries, and I've asked for what I need. I've told you what I want. I've explained how I feel and what my standards are. And now you've shown me you're not willing to do the work. That's when to leave. You're healed, you're clear, it's complete. Like putting the fork down at the end of the meal. Your heart is wide open. You're soft. You're strong, and it's just, um, I love you and I bless you into your future, and the pattern is complete, and I am now complete with you. It— we, we end the relationships too soon in so many cases. So I know that might contradict for some of you listening where we started today, and I don't want this to be confusing. I want you to know, yes, take no shit. Right, have boundaries, break the cycle. But part of breaking the cycle is giving people an opportunity to grow with you and heal with you. You've done that, you can end all the relationships you want, but it'll just be the next person you find yourself in the same pattern.

Yes. So, but listen, do you think you can heal? You know, you can like pray or meditate and you can safe for yourself. Like, if you're okay in your heart, whatever relationship you was in, and you can talk to that person, you can laugh, you can smile, like you're healed. Like, I know, like, I'm healed from a lot of stuff from my ex-husband in my marriage, and I can talk about it now. I, you know, because that's like, for me, it's liberating, is sharing these seeds of wisdom because I went through it, but I didn't necessarily have to have him there to get his approval to say, okay, I forgive you, or you forgive me, like, to be healed. So what I'm saying is I'm healed because I know it in my heart. I'm speaking it, you know, I'm saying these words, and I feel in my heart. I don't have that heaviness. I don't have that resentment toward them or him or whoever. And I feel in my heart that I am healed, so I don't have to actually have that conversation unless you want to with that person.

Yeah, I'm saying, I think what you're talking about is so critically important. I had a client once show up to my office devastated because she had been molested by an uncle, and the uncle had just died, and she was so upset because she never got a chance to confront and our work was all about you don't need the person in front of you to have the healing happen.

Right.

And that's really what you're saying.

Yes.

So forgiveness is about loving as much as you did before you got hurt.

Right.

Forgiveness is about getting back to the best of you. And I'm sorry, but nobody's immune to trauma because nobody's immune to heartbreak. And the thing about it is the other person did what they did but they're not the cause of you continuing to feel hurt and guarded and bracing yourself for more disappointment. That's your work. That has nothing to do with them, you know. And my book Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want has won awards because I literally created a roadmap. You know, today we're talking about a lot conceptually, right? The real path forward— here you go, This is the steps, not just that I've taken, but countless success stories in my private practice, clients, gorgeous healers and leaders breaking generational trauma cycles. Everything tried and true that works, it's in this book. It's my heart on a platter for all of you. But yes, Tanya, you do not need the other person in front of you to do the healing. And it's a beautiful thing as much as possible to be able to give the person in front of you the chance and the opportunity to grow with you and to meet this version of you today. There's so much life beyond trauma bonding.

Yes, yes.

Trauma bonding is just replaying the patterns, recreating evidence to support the cycle and the pain. This is not healthy. This is not necessary. And you're right, one of the biggest things that's the most important to me in 2024 is I'm here to help a million families heal this year because I want your kids to have healed parents.

Yes, yeah.

Oh, it's so important.

Yes, I agree, I agree. I mean, you are already doing it, you're doing it, and yeah, you are helping to change future generations, bridging that gap, that gap where they don't know what to do, they're confused. So yes, let's right now talk about your book. If you want to bring it out and show it right there, and you can just right now, say any, you know, any like basic tips that are from this book.

Yeah.

And, um, yeah, so people can buy this book.

Oh, this book is your lifeline. This book is your gateway to freedom and bliss, into life feeling magically delicious. And let me just read.

Yes.

Okay, I don't often do this, but let me just read you a final passage because this is where we want you ending up your way. And then I'll just say, disclaimer, I'm not the coach that knows for you the right way. I'm not in this book saying, here's what to do, beautiful soul. I'm saying, here's how to find your right way. There's not a right or wrong way to live or lead or love or heal, but there's what works for you. So my work is about connecting you to the highest, most healed expression of who you are and to your answers. So with that being said, if you're able, I would even encourage you to close your eyes and take this in. Obviously not if you're driving, but just consider this possibility for where you can be as a soul and what you can feel in your life.

Okay.

Dear life, our journey has been fabulous at times and tragic at times. But without you, I'd be nothing. With you, I've lived, loved, fallen, risen, and met myself, my purpose, and so many beautiful people. You've brought me family. Together we've created joy. This life is ours for the long game. I will never be alone because we are in every moment together from this moment forward. I hear you now. I see you now. I respect you now. I honor you now. This life has been magnificent for me only because you have been with me every breath. Every struggle has been worth it. Every choice brought lessons and wisdom. Every moment you continue to teach and guide me. I choose you now like you've only always chosen me. Love, Rebeccah Silence.

Wow, wow. Yes, that, that right there is very powerful, is beautiful, and I resonate with everything you just said. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you so much.

Thank you for allowing me to. I'm curious what resonated the most.

Just that everything, like, you're with me, this life, like, every— like, what you just said is what I talk about every single day. Like, the— to me, life is a gift. It's a gift once we know that, okay, I'm in this body to experience all the joys, the people, the experience that may be that may be this, that may be that. If I wasn't here in this life, I wouldn't be able to do all of this. So I have to appreciate it. I have to appreciate that higher aspect of myself that knows everything and is guiding me every step of the way, and that I am safe. And when we can align with that knowing of ourselves, then that's when a lot of transformation takes place. Yes, everything you said was— it's beautiful, and I align with it because I can appreciate every word that you said. Thank you.

Thank you. You know, and we all have this survival self, right, that we created to survive. I remember in grad school, my very first course I took was personality theories, and we took a personality test, and I about fell out of my chair when my results said that I was fun. I was like the most Type A, hypervigilant, over-responsible. It said I was control and fun.

And fun.

And I was like, control, I absolutely can see. Fun? And I literally remember sitting in this chair, Sonia, and going, I'm fun? And then it like gave me so much permission, you know? And how old was I? 23 years old. I was like, Oh, I am fun. I am fun. What they don't teach you, what nobody else is going to tell you, but I'm going to tell you is this.

Yes.

You start to let go of your survival self. It's going to feel like you're dying. Okay, let's just get honest. Yeah. I remember stepping into who I could be. And the other thing they're not going to tell you is you don't wake up one day and know who you are. You wake up one day and you realize you're surviving and that that's not good enough because you have one precious life. And I think we're here to ride it until the wheels fall off. That's right. As you let go of survival, don't be afraid that you're dying. You've got to let it go. And that's why I think some structure is so important, right? So my book, Coming Back to Life, I have a course at rebeccahsilence.com, the Emotional Survival Kit. The combination of what I teach in these two products is everything you need to reinvent yourself because We don't wake up one day and know who we are, but we get to wake up one day and know who we're not, and then design and invent, right, want to be based on what we want to create in this life. So if you want, you know, the bumpers and the guardrails and the structure and the most accessible path to you liberating yourself and designing yourself and your life on purpose, My God, do yourself a favor and buy this book and my Emotional Survival Kit course, because you don't need years of therapy and you don't need more understanding. You need the true pathway to healing.

Yes. Wow. Yes. Okay, well, everybody, as you heard, go buy the book because yes, if you are having any type of traumas or path difficulties this book can definitely— what's the name of the book again?

It's called Coming Back to Life. Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want.

All right, all right. Well, we are going to round up this podcast, so I would like to allow you, Rebeccah Silence, to have any last words, and then I'm going to say some words and we're going to end the podcast.

Well, thank you so much for this delightful and life-changing conversation. And my final thought for all of you is that the softer you are, the more open your heart, the more of a blessing you are to every life you touch. And my number one wish is that we would all be careful with each other's hearts.

Yes.

Thank you for having me.

Yes, thank you for being on the Treasure Is You podcast. And as I always say, for my final words, remember the present now moment, learn to love the steps of your journey, and remember most importantly that the treasure is you. So take care and namaste.