The Difference Between Romance and Love

Like, we can't go without food. We honestly can't go without love and romance either if we get really freaking honest with ourselves. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. Foreign Rebecca Silence. Emotional healing and relationship coach. And this is the healing is possible experience where we take you every single week on a journey of hope and healing. And today is Valentine's Day, so this is a very special episode. You know, for many people, this is a day that is filled with romance and love and passion, maybe even some chocolate, some champagne, some orgasms. For others, it's a day that heartbreak can just take over and feel so heavy and so painful. And it's a day for many where they feel more alone than ever and it doesn't have to be that way. So regardless of where you find yourself in this moment, on this day, I am so grateful that you're here. I am very excited to share with you some expectations that sabotage people's experience on Valentine's Day. Some myths, some ideas around the feelings and triggers that come up for people on this day. And then we're going to also talk about so how do you heal in such a way where love and romance can become not just possible for you, but a baseline, a norm, and an expectation that actually happens, that gets met. And then do, please do stick around for the end of the show where I talk about and break down, so what is the difference between love and breakdown romance? So without further ado, let's dive in and give yourself permission to master your emotions even more during this episode so that you can be even more aware of who you are and what is true for you now, as this version of you in this season of your life, when it comes to this topic of love and romance on this day of Valentine's Day, the more you know yourself, the more you can actually love yourself. So number one, let's talk about expectations, because I have, after 15 years of private practice work with couples, specifically, I've seen over and over again where we expect our partner to be the source of our experience of love. There's three expectations that can sabotage you and one that can turn things around. So let's talk about what these three are. Are. So number one, the expectation that your partner or a partner should be the source of love, the one providing the experience of love that you want to be having. It is a set up. To fail your partner's job or another person's job is not to make you feel loved, is not to fill you up. It's to help you see the truth. About the relationship with yourself that you're experiencing now, that's so big what I just said. Your partner isn't meant to be the source of your joy, your love, your pleasure, your happiness. They are a mirror to help you see into what your relationship with yourself is like at this moment, in this, you know, season of your life. The second expectation that can send things sideways in the wrong direction really fast is that no matter how hard your partner tries, you're still going to be left feeling unloved and unworthy. So many people don't even realize that they are expecting proof that they are unloved and that they are unworthy of the experience of love that they want, that they desire, and that on some level they know they deserve. But when we experience expect to be left feeling unloved, unworthy, unfulfilled, we create evidence to prove that expectation, right? The third one is an expectation that our partner won't let us love them as much as we want to. This happens all the time in relationships and it's not talked about very often. And often people are again, totally unconscious to the fact that this is even going on. But expecting that your partner won't receive your love or that your love might. Here's another way that can show up be too much for them to be able to handle. If you love them fully and unapologetically all the way, they just wouldn't be able to handle it. This is another expectation that we prove right, that just creates a barrier between us and our partner and the possibility of love and connection and romance that we might be desiring. So here's a healthier expectation, okay? Expect that your partner is innocent and doing their best to love you and to love themselves and to show up for you in the relationship to the best of their ability. Expect that see the innocence. Let your partner's best be enough. Let your best be enough. And that creates such a solid foundation for both love and romance for to bloom into. And a totally different game changing experience of Valentine's Day can await. Right? Think about the first three expectations versus the fourth that I shared. Your partner isn't the source of your joy and happiness. Your partner can't make you feel less unworthy. And your partner can't determine whether or not you're too much or not. If you just decide, my love, all of the love I have to give, it's more than enough. And in the right relationship, my partner would want all of my love. This isn't a threat, this isn't a bad thing. And then finally seeing your partner as innocent and doing their best, seeing you as innocent and doing your best, that's a game changing, tone changing, foundational piece on Valentine's Day and every day in your relationships that breeds the possibility and opportunity for more connection, not less. All right, next, let's get into some myths. Okay. Valentine's Day, it's this commercialized day that isn't really about love. It's just about, you know, people marketing and selling and making money off of this one day. I'm going to say it's a myth. Now, are there facts there? Is there some truth to it? I'm not going to argue that this isn't a mass market commercialized day of the year. But what I am going to say is that when we make Valentine's Day superficial because it's just a commercial holiday, that can be a way of just protecting ourselves from really hoping that this is going to be a day where I'm celebrated for my lovability, where I get to celebrate those that I love for their love ability. There is a day on the calendar where we celebrate, specialize in our ability to give and receive love. And I think that feels a lot better than the myth that this is just a commercial holiday. It doesn't really mean anything. Okay. The second myth I just want to debunk for us is that if you're single on Valentine's Day, something must be wrong with you. Horse shit. Okay. No. If you're single on Valentine's Day, couple of things I want you to consider. Number one, you were brave enough not to settle for a previous relationship that would have you in a relationship status, but extremely unfulfilled. If you're single, it's because you haven't settled. That's really big and really important, I think, to recognize and to own and to give yourself some credit for. Okay. The next myth that I want to just again, diffuse, blow out, no longer give our time, energy or effort to, is that if you're single now on Valentine's Day, you just must be destined to be single forever. No, no. Again, you can create evidence to support that theory to prove that. Right. But you don't have to. If you're single now, it's because you're still getting connected again to that truth of who you are, to that truth of what you're looking for. And you're getting your belie behind this possibility actually being something that you can count on and expect. We've all been burned. There's no one immune to heartbreak. And we can't go without food, we can't go without love. We really can't. And that's a good thing. And if you're single now, you've done a lot of learning and you've done a lot of, you know, gathering information about what you want and what you don't. And your only job now is to prove to yourself that you're right to expect what you want. You're right to expect that settling should never be an option and that you are going to go for it. Not mediocre level. I don't know. I just need a partner so I don't have to feel alone. I'll go through the motions and that'll be enough. No, go for it. Expect that what you really want and desire and the standards that you have that are high and expect that they should be met because that's the only way that they actually will be met is when you expect them to be. So if you're single right now, it does not mean you're single forever. If you're single right now, it's a sign that you are doing the inner work to create the real relationship story and love story that you want, that you deserve, and that you've been preparing for. Now let's talk about feelings and triggers. And I could talk so much about each of these points, but I'm wanting to give you a full spectrum of soul food nuggets to chew on to change your experience of Valentine's Day love and romance in a way that again, gives you some hope again. And some excitement again. Because we should be excited about love and romance. We should be excited about what's possible for us when it comes to romance and long term committed relationships. And we're so brainwashed into thinking it's just so painful and maybe it's not even worth it. And I can't stand that, which is why I'm giving you so much today. I hope you're taking notes around what's resonating the most. But this third piece, okay, we're going to talk about feelings and triggers next. This is so important because we think our feelings about what's happening in our relationships, in our external world are real. And we think our feelings about what's going on outside of us externally are going to determine whether or not we can actually have what we want romantically and in our love relationships. In today's episode, it is specific to love relationships and romantic relationships because again, we all have so much love to give and we all want to receive love at the level in which we give love reciprocity. It was my word for 2022. We all want relationships like that. It's just so many have decided again, based on our feelings about what happened externally, that we're not going to get it or that it's not even worth it to try or to pursue the type of love we want. And that just couldn't be farther from the truth. Talk about self sabotage. So feelings are different than the emotions that we need to feel. And when we're having feelings about what's going on around us or about what's happened and they're still impacting our relationships today in a negative way, it's really important to notice what are the feelings. So, for example, I might be having feelings of I don't want to be too much again. I've been told I'm too much in every relationship I've ever had romantically. I also maybe could be feeling like I'm not enough, like I'm emotionally unavailable. People have been telling me that for relationship after relationship after relationship, decade after decade after decade, maybe I'm emotionally available. Maybe I am not worth actually being chosen. Maybe I have a history where feelings about being cheated on, on repeat. And that's a pattern. So when you're thinking about the feelings you have when it comes to love, romance, and Valentine's Day, you can also be asking yourself, what are the patterns that I'm used to that I can't stand, that I don't want to repeat? But my feelings are just proving to me that these patterns are how it is. All right, Triggers. Now, this is so important because sometimes we're triggered and we don't even know it. But we don't know the difference between our feelings and our triggers and our feelings about the external, they're easier than being with our triggers. It's easy to find something to blame someone, a circumstance, a past heartbreak, even a past trauma. We can blame ourselves. Single status, our, you know, hardened heart on the external and our feelings can protect us from the trigger. But where the possibility for breakthrough and miracles and a bigger, more profound, deeper experience of love, romance, connection, intimacy, Valentine's Day, where that lives is in the heart of the trigger that we'd rather do anything other than face. And when you know how to face, move through and conquer your triggers, oh, my God. Do you become a force of love that nothing can mess with, that nothing can threaten? But when feelings and triggers are still something you're protecting yourself from, your ability to give and receive love, it's hindered significantly and the good news here is you actually have control over this. Okay, so what are some examples of possible triggers? Just the idea of Valentine's Day alone, that can be a massive trigger for people I know in my family growing up, for example, Mother's Day was triggering for a long time for me. There was one year my parents had had a huge fight on Mother's Day. My father told my mother, every day is Mother's Day, I don't know what you want left. And my mom was devastated all day, and it felt very helpless. That was triggering. So some of you might have triggers just around Valentine's Day in general, some of you might have triggers around sex on Valentine's Day. And feeling like if you don't have sex, that's a problem means you're not worthy, you're not desirable, you're not wanted. Some of you might be putting pressure on sex. Like, if it's not just right, just so you might lose your partner. You might be putting yourself through an experience because of past triggers and wounds that you have to show up sexually in a certain way or else. Our triggers, they're never our fault, but they're always our work. And what I mean by that is, you know, you're triggered when something feels painful, when something feels upsetting, when you feel disconnected from. From a grounded clarity and a knowing that you're enough and your best is enough. And you losing sight of feeling like you on Valentine's Day or any day is often the result of a trigger that sometimes, again, we haven't even recognized, and sometimes we have, but we don't know what to do with it. So if you're triggered at all, definitely. After you watch this show, visit rebeccasilence.com and let me walk you through a free three step masterclass where I guide you into connecting to the trigger and releasing the trigger and creating a new experience for yourself on the other side of the trigger. But for now, what I'll say is, triggers, they're not the end of the story. They're the opportunity for the pattern to get interrupted and knocked in a new direction. Right? Law of physics. What's in motion stays in motion. And when triggers are in motion, we can resolve our feelings about this moment and not heal and clear the pattern or the trigger. And so the trigger just has to pop up again. Like whack a mole somewhere else with someone else. And it will continue to pop up until the trigger is healed and released. So if I have a trigger and I am convinced I'm too much and unlovable underneath that experience of feeling like I'm too much. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Because I want love, but I don't want to be too much. So I'm just not me at all anymore. Anymore. So I can release that experience of me as me. It's not enough to earn love and I can replace it with I love myself. So regardless of how other people treat me, love me, my experience of love is full and intact. No matter how they show up and see from that place of the the trigger being healed, I can attract people that don't need to help me play out that trigger anymore because they've already gotten that lesson too. Each trigger is the gateway for a healing, a pattern interrupt and a life lesson being learned in such a way that it doesn't need to come back again because you've learned the lesson. The lesson repeats until you've learned it. The pattern repeats until you've healed through the triggers and relationship. This is where you get to see where there are still triggers and healing opportunities available to you so you can be even more healed, so you can love even more powerfully, even more fiercely, and even more unapologetically. People think that when they're triggered in a relationship, it's their partner's fault. It's not. People think that when they're triggered in relationship, the external needs to be different for them to be okay and it's just a recipe for more stress, more suffering, and you feeling more alone. Okay, so now let's talk about how. How do you heal through the pain that you may be experiencing right now or that you have experienced on previous Valentine's times days before? So I'm just going to give you an assignment here, a process and an experience to take yourself through, to let the past heal and be left in the past so that you have even more of a clear Runway to design your romantic experience and Valentine's Day that you want to be having and again, that you deserve. So, okay, so here's the healing process. Get out of paper and a pen. Clean piece of paper by itself, not in a notebook. Clean blank piece of paper and a pen. Just one page. And I want you to write yourself a forgiveness letter where you say, dear self, I forgive you for all the moments that you were unloving, all the moments where you doubted your worth, all the moments where you let another person's opinion or behavior determine how lovable you felt. I forgive you. I forgive me for putting myself through hell when it comes to love. And when it comes to romance. And by the end of the letter, let go. Forgiveness is you going back to loving yourself as freely and as fiercely and as openly and unapologetically as you did before you got hurt. So I want you to write yourself a letter. I want you to write yourself a letter where you forgive yourself for being guarded, for protecting yourself from love, for holding back because you didn't want to get hurt anymore. And by the end of the letter, I want you to make a new commitment to love and to yourself. My commitment now is to love openly, unapologetically, to make sure I'm loving myself first and putting my need to feel loved in my own hands, never giving that power to another ever again, to make or break my experience of love. So a forgiveness letter with a new commitment to the experience of love that you want and that you're committed to moving forward. Forward. Okay, as promised, I'm going to leave you with some differences between love and romance. Love, it's a state of being. Romance is an experience that requires action. Love, there's nothing to do. It's who you're being. Romance, there's action required. And that action can be sourcing from love or it can be sourcing from fear. Love is just the truth of who you are. You're never not love. Romance is something that you can learn and explore and decide what you like and what you don't and how you want to experience romance. Finally, what I'll leave you with is love can never hurt. Love has never hurt you, and love has never hurt anyone. It's people taking actions because of their misconceptions around love and romance and because they haven't healed the emotional wounds that are either the result of trauma or heartbreak that are still bleeding all over everyone they're trying to love. Love never hurt you, and love never hurts. Romance can be a very real, very spiritual experience when it's authentic. Talk to your partner about what feels romantic to you. Talk to your partner about the experience of romance you want to have. But do that in a way where they're not in trouble, they're not wrong, they're not bad. And ask questions about what they want, what they desire, what doesn't feel good to them. Learn each other and create romance. Anybody that says that your romantic relationship can't be a best friend relationship, can't have best friend romance. Love, commitment, agreements that are sacred and honoring, a spiritual experience of relationship that's sacred and honoring, I call bullshit. My marriage has all of it. And more. And my marriage is better than any fairy tale and it has been chock full of ups and downs and crisis and breakdowns and breakthroughs. But we commit to firing on all cylinders, my husband and I. And Mark, I couldn't love you anymore if I tried. You are my dream come true. Thank you for giving me the experience of myself and of love and of romance that I always desired. Thank you for being a space where you only want more of me and you're only willing to give me more of you. And for those of you out there that are single, you could be journaling about, what is it that I want? What are my standards when it comes to love and romance? And who would I be if I believed I could have it all? How would I show up? How would I proceed? What actions would I take? What actions would I stop taking? But love, it's you. And it's your birthright. In romance, it's frosting. And you can design it however you want to. Thank you for coming with me on this journey during this episode today of the Healing is Possible Experience. I'm Rebecca Silence. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel. If you liked what you saw, please share this episode with anyone that you think could benefit. And remember, healing isn't promised, but it is possible for you, for me, and for all of us. Happy Valentine's Day. I love you so much. Enjoy your day and let us know what takeaways you are receiving. What resonated the most Wherever you're watching? Leave us a comment, lock it in and go love yourselves hard today and go have a beautiful Valentine's Day and we'll see you soon. Bye everyone.