The Secret to Building a Life-Changing Support System

Live and local. It is a Mental Wellness Wednesday mixer 2.5 Big Papa in the morning Welcoming life Coach Rebecca. Silence. RebeccaSilence.com is the website. Rebecca, good morning. How are you?

I am very well and ready for you. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday everybody.

Let's talk about the importance of having a tribe or having safe space or having a support system. I realize that people are very proud and like to do things by themselves, but having a support system and having safe space to kind of help you get through some of the rough patches is so, so important, right?

Oh my God, yes. I mean, I'm a coach with a coach. My family spends more money on my support than we spend on anything. Right? And it's not just about professional support, but truly anybody there that thinks it's weak to reach out and ask for help, whether it's a coach, a therapist, a mentor, it's not because when you have support, you get to work your stuff out with an objective third party and then show up for your friends and family and your team and your workplace.

Clear? Right?

Not putting all of your emotional funky into the middle of your relationships and having somebody to process with on a regular basis is so important and it doesn't happen nearly enough. So that type of support is just amazing. Whether you're reading personal growth books like the one I wrote Coming Back to Life or actually hiring somebody or finding someone, for example, in AA and Al Anon to have as a support person, that's so important. But I really think the meat of this conversation, Gary, is about letting yourself be supported personally with friends because so many of us think that our friends are going to turn on us the way our families did, or we think that in the relationship one person gives, one person receives. So we're either just feeling like there's an imbalance and we're over functioning and not getting our needs met or we just recognize the imbalance because we're taking what we're giving.

It's so funny because we don't talk about what we're going to talk about before we start. I never know because my follow up was going to be, you know, for people that don't have a tribe, for people that don't have a friend group or a safe space to, you know, talk about things. Not necessarily professional but just like a group of friends to be able to do that with, what's a good way to kind of find one to, to, to, you know, grow one organically and not force it because if you force it, it's not going to work.

Well, absolutely. So let's think about it. Like inner circle. Like A, do you have an inner circle right now? And B, is your inner circle supporting you the way you need to be supported? Because this thing called false loyalty happens where if you feel like you don't have the community and the support or the circle, chances are you have people filling roles that aren't good at their jobs. So maybe there's a best friend that actually tells everybody all of your secrets, but this best friend has been there for 25 years. So because of false loyalty, they get the job, which means nobody else can get the job. Right. So often we're putting people in roles in our inner circle because of longevity and how long they've been in our lives, not because they're the right person for the job. So I just want to point that out because some of you have people, but you're not supported by them the way you need. So it feels like you have nobody. Right. You might have more people than you realize. But if you're really feeling like you're starting from scratch, we can talk about that too.

No, absolutely. And we're going to do that online right now at mix1025.com of course. RebeccaSilence.com it's a mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca. Silence. We're going to break and come back. The full content. The full segment is online right now. All right, so let's talk about if someone does have the wrong job. Okay. How do you know what the who should fill the job and what exactly the job should be? Because people may not even know that, you know.

Well, and I think we've been doing radio together for 14 years. I don't think we've ever talked about this. This is such a good assignment that I'm about to give everybody because here's where you start. Before you worry about who's in the role or whether or not there will be people to fill the role, get out a piece of paper. We're going old school. Get out a piece of paper and literally draw a circle and then label it inner circle and write down the types of people, the types of roles you would want. Field. So maybe it's a confidant, maybe it's a fun adventure buddy. Maybe it's a lover or a long term romantic relationship partner or a spouse. Maybe it's babysitter for the kids. Maybe it's personal assistant. Maybe it's, I mean, we could go on and on and on, but who are the top five to 10 people you want around you and what would their job be? And then what are the top three standards you have for each of those people? Right, so my best friend needs to grow with me. My best friend needs to be empowering and encouraging and an adventure buddy. I've literally got a best friend of 20 years. So, like, what are the standards that you're looking for? Right, Committed to health, committed to reciprocity in the relationship, you know, but what are the jobs? What are the top three points that you feel like you deserve out of that relationship? Because it's what you are and what you give anyway, and you want it back. Start there, right? So maybe you've already got a romantic partner, but it's stale and you're bored and you're miserable. Well, what are the top three things that you want? Maybe it's a date night. Maybe it's a better sex life. Maybe it's more intimate, honest communication on a weekly basis. So now you've got it written down. Instead of feeling super discouraged and, like, you have to go break up with your person, why don't you ask them over dinner if they're interested in these things too? Like, hey, I'm really loving these things about our relationship. I'm really wanting more of these things. What do you think? For you? What do you want more of? For me?

Sure. No, and. And I think that, and this is just me personally, I think that having the idea that someone has the ability to fill one of the roles and looking at it realistically, if they are. If they can, is. Are two separate things as well. Because I've. I've been like, oh, I. You know, this person would be great if they just. Blank. But then they just. They did. They just don't. And they. That's just not who they are. And, you know, you know, being realistic with that stuff and having that blunt, honest conversation with yourself sometimes can be disheartening. But it's better to, you know, see it for what it is rather than, you know, hope and pray and try again. Try to force something that's not there.

Or pretend like you're happy when you're not. Like, that's the worst thing you can do. But I was just working with a client yesterday that said, okay, Rebecca, I'm ready to leave my husband. And I was like, is your husband going to be shocked? And she said, yeah, like, well, before we just leave him, how about a conversation? Because so often we come to Jesus with ourselves, right? We have this honest conversation with ourselves, but we don't communicate with the other person. Which means they don't have an opportunity to grow with us. And I will tell you, in my own life, I am a relationship expert because I know how to be me no matter what's going on in my relationships. Not because all my relationships have always gone well, or everybody behaves how I would want them to in my dream world, or loves me and respects me. That's. No, that's not why I'm a relationship expert. It's because I stay me through it, all right? And I give people the opportunity to grow with me and work with me and to have multiple seasons and lifetimes with me. So you getting clear is step one, you communicating honestly with yourself, Right? That's the beginning. Then communicating in a way where you're not blaming or threatening or making the other person wrong, but you're saying, hey, I'm getting really honest with myself, and I'm realizing I want more of these things with you. What do you think? Are you open? Is there anything you want more of with me? I'm open. If you haven't had those conversations with the people closest to you, my God, don't do anything. Don't stop and pass. Go, like, go have those conversations. So, you know, you did, right? And then I was working with a woman a few years ago that was literally getting out of a cultish religion, had no friends, had no self worth, no confidence, almost no voice at all. And we did a really fun exercise where every week I had her put on her calendar two meetups, two community events, and just go and just start meeting people. And that changed her life. She ended up with a huge circle, a dream job, her own place. And we just had her have this honest opportunity with herself to put herself out there again in the world and to be the version of herself that she didn't know, she didn't recognize. But. But go be you in public, the you you want to be. Practice that right? Because we don't wake up one day and know who we are. We wake up one day and know something's not working. So I love Central New York. My roots are there. I'm in Boulder, Colorado now. But it is such an amazing community to be an entrepreneur in and to fall in love with the community in there. Many people. There are so many beautiful adventures and places and opportunities to meet people in central New York. So start looking at event calendars and pick one to two things a week and show up and literally make eye contact with five people and say hi to five people. That's the assignment. And this one woman I was just talking about that assignment changed her life. I believe now she's engaged, you know, a few years later. So putting yourself out there, it doesn't mean you're putting yourself at risk or exposing yourself. It means you're putting yourself in a position to get your needs met.

Absolutely.

Go out there and act.

Yeah, absolutely. It's a mental wellness. Wednesday, we're chatting with life coach Rebecca Silence Online, all kinds of content, all kinds of tools for your tool belt is available@rebeccasilence.com Rebecca, amazing as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you all.