Unlocking the Power Within: Mel’s Emotional Breakthrough (Part 1)

Hello, I am Rebecca. Silence. And welcome to the healing is possible experience. This is a show where we take you every single week on a journey back home to you. The goal is for you to truly believe that you are unlimited and that you have the right to love, to trust and. And to live as fully and freely as you desire.

Okay, we're going.

Okay. Three, two, one.

We're going.

This is a very special episode. I will be coaching Mel to through a breakthrough around. What would we call it, Mel?

I would say our relationships that, you know, started in earlier childhood and come out in our adult lives.

Yeah. So the way you presented it to me was you wanted to heal through the wounds that had you feeling like you didn't get what you needed emotionally growing up. And what I love about the story topic. I have chills already. Is no one is immune to the emotional impact of childhood. Right. We all have an emotional body that we learn to reject. Dim down, not trust, not express. Worse than anything. And then I'm just very excited to see where our work together leads today. But if you don't know me, before we dive into the deep end of Mel breaking through and having a whole new experience of being able to receive what she needs emotionally. I am an author, media personality, and emotional healing and relationship coach that's been around for over 15 years, helping even the most seemingly impossible scenarios heal, transform, and break through. And so today's episode, guaranteed, will bring breakthrough, will bring clarity, will bring more love and light and hope and healing for Mel and for all of you watching. So without further ado, Mel, let's start with you just, you know, giving yourself a big pat on the back for taking the brave step to reach out, asking for this opportunity and making it happen for yourself.

Thank you. It does. It does feel good. The more I dive into myself, the closer to myself I feel.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely. So what is it? If we could create anything during this time together, what is it that you're hoping to experience and to create?

I'm hoping to release stuck emotion and stuck pain that comes up for me and my current experiences and my jobs and my relationships with my friends and my family, romantic relationships with the relationship with my own parents and my children. Most. That's really most important because I do fear that things that are stuck within me will, you know, really bleed over into my own parenting with my two daughters.

Okay, so let me just say all this back to you. So you are wanting to release any stuck emotion that is in the way of you having the experience of relationship across the board that you desire and you're recognizing that if the stuck emotions and wounds don't release and heal, that will bleed into your parenting and have an impact on your children. And you have two girls, correct?

That's correct.

Awesome. And I also. I also have two girls. But, you know, I just want to acknowledge what a beautiful gift you're already giving your children just by recognizing that you know what's important to me. I want to be as healed. I want to be as clear and I want to be as present as the me I know I'm capable of being with my children. That is so amazing. So many people don't even recognize that their past is not only bleeding into their future, but it's. It's driving their behavior and without meaning to perpetuating patterns that maybe they don't want their own children to experience. So congratulations on this level of awareness.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

And just thanks again for being here and thanks again for your courage.

Thank you.

So, all right, here's my next question. And you can close your eyes if you want. You don't have to, but sometimes I recommend. And for those of you watching at home, as I'm asking Mel these questions. These questions apply to you too, Byron. Katie loves to say there's no new suffering, meaning we actually aren't as separate as we might think. We're actually not alone on an island with our darkness, with our trauma, with our wounds, with our pain, with our frustration. Frustration. Or are stuck or whatever it might be. We all have it, and it just shows up in different costumes with different characters for each of us in a different way. But it's underneath it all, the same energy and the same dynamics that we're wanting to move through, that we're wanting to face and conquer. So with that being said, all of these questions, they apply to all of us. Right. So my first question, Mel, is this. What is it that hurts the most that feels stuck inside of you?

I'm gonna close my eyes for this. Just to.

Yeah.

Think on this for just a second. When I am looking inwards, the. What's coming up right now is feeling like I've put maybe more love or more of myself into others, and maybe. And many times they weren't in the capacity or heal themselves to reciprocate or to make me feel validated. So I. I'm. What's coming up for me, Rebecca, is like this internal feeling of maybe not feeling good enough, but not really feeling. Not having my feelings validated for quite some time.

Okay, so let's take a deep breath and let's take this deeper. What about not feeling validated is so painful?

It's painful. It's painful for me to not feel validated because I create that feeling within my mind that I am alone, that I am on, like, an island, like you said. Even though the logical part of my brain knows I'm not the only one that feels certain things or experiences certain things, but it's this, like, perpetuating feeling that others can't relate or see my pain. Or maybe it's in my. It's all in my head, like I'm making it up. It's like I feel. I convince myself I'm almost crazy for feeling the way I do.

You're not crazy. Can you say that out loud? I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy.

Can you say out loud, nothing's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with me.

So is what hurts the most that you don't feel validated, or is it this experience of alone?

The experience of alone.

Take a deep breath, and if there are any emotions coming up, let's welcome them. Our emotions are the gateway to freedom. And I think that's really what we all seek, is freedom from the pain, freedom from the wound, freedom from the pattern. So is it accurate to say what is hurting you the most is no matter how much you love, no matter how much you give, no matter how hard you try, no matter how surrounded you are by people, you still feel alone?

Absolutely. You nailed it.

Take a deep breath and just tell me what you're feeling. As we recognize essentially what the real issue here is.

Yeah, I. Feeling this inner sadness, I. You know, when I think throughout my life, when I think about my most happy and joyful moments or my most painful moments, I think the underlining emotion that comes up and it's coming up for me right now is just sadness.

What would it be like to get even closer to that sadness right now?

I think it will be relieving to get closer to it versus pushing it down, which I have done many, many, many times. Yeah.

So let's just breathe into the sadness. Breathe out, breathe into the sadness. Let's connect to it even more. And while you're doing that, let me just suggest that our feelings about our circumstances, what's going on around us. For example, I'm giving much love, and it's not being reciprocated. I'm being the best I can be and giving as hard and as much as I can. And I'm just not experiencing reciprocity I'm not getting it back. That's all way easier to take and run with than recognizing. Well, there's a stuck emotion underneath all that. That's actually the problem.

Yeah.

There's big difference between our feelings about what's going on around us and the stuck emotions inside that we need to feel and release and heal. And when we are brave and courageous enough to feel and release and heal through our stuck emotions, guess what happens? The stuck age where we began rejecting that emotion is now given an opportunity to grow up. So what age does it feel like you're stuck in when there's resistance to sadness?

Thinking about this, I want to say maybe between the ages of 7 to 15. Um, I think. I think that's fair to say. If that's not too wide of an age gap to cover, you're doing perfect.

But here's what I want to suggest. Thinking is what keeps us stuck.

Yeah.

In our thinking is likely the problem in terms of reinforcing this core belief that you have that no matter what, you're still going to feel alone.

Yeah.

Right. Because how much have you strived to succeed and accomplish and, you know, create results to prove that you're not alone? All right.

A lot. Yeah.

Okay. What happens when I say that?

It's eye opening because it's like I'm just running, trying to run forward, but I'm running in place. Sometimes.

That's a great.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm trying to continue to leap forward, and sometimes we might leap forward, and then I'm just. I'm running in place.

And it doesn't change how you feel.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So I want to invite you for the rest of our time together today to really. When you. When your brain wants to tell you. Okay, let's think about this. I want to invite you to not.

Actually.

Be focused on what do I think that's your mind. What is it that your body and your soul in your spirit want you to know? What's the truth? And can you. Now that we've connected to sadness, I want to invite you to close your eyes again and breathe to your body and tell me where in your body that sadness is stuck.

Like, in the pit of my stomach.

Okay. Breathe into that. And I want you to consider that that's the place in your body that likely has these answers, not your mind. So I'm going to ask again. Give me a specific age and you can guess. I mean, we don't need to be, you know, finding some right answer. There is no right answer. But I do want you and everyone watching to recognize that our pain patterns begin in a moment and they also heal and transform and get knocked in a new direction. And just a single moment. So something happened, you know, and more evidence was built and the pattern just kept getting reinforced and reinforced and reinforced and stronger and stronger and stronger. So I believe you that alone from 7 to 15 was essentially the rule you were living by. But let's go back to this feeling in the pit of your stomach and ask it, how old is this?

I've got it.

Great.

When I asked, when I asked my. My gut. Nine years old.

Take a deep breath. What was going on at nine.

Nine years old, I had to be in maybe third grade. I say maybe I was. Fun fact. I was held back in second grade, so I had repeated a year. So I want to say I was in third grade, newly in a new house in a home with my mother and my brother. Probably most recent had moved out from the home that I lived in with my mother and stepdad.

Yeah. Okay. Anything else you want to say about that?

No, I don't. I just feel instead of trying to think, I'm feeling like this was a transition for our family and for myself. Being in the home with both of my parents and my brother, that was from like 3 to 9. So I'm feeling inside like this was a big shift in the way that life was playing out for me.

Yeah. And I think we have two big pieces to explore together here. Number one, I'm curious about what you made up about yourself and how it felt getting held back in second grade. You made a light hearted joke, like, fun fact, but that's significant. And then simultaneously, parents are splitting up and you're basically life as you knew it was shaken up. And you use the word, you know, there was a transition, which is a nice way to say the carpet got pulled out from under me.

Yeah. Yeah, it did. It did. Going back, I know initially being held back in second grade, my initial reaction was excitement because I knew I was going to have the same teacher again. And I loved her and I just adored her. And I think she adored me. And I loved her teaching style. We just really connected and she was just this friendly, familiar face that she would walk her dog past my house every day. And I was just so excited to see her and to be at school. So when I found out I got to be in her class again, I was like, sign me up. Yes. You know, I want to stay. I want to. I'm so excited. I get another year with Her. Because I think for myself and maybe other children as well, it's when you really take to a teacher and you move on, that can be tough, especially if, you know, down the road you get somebody you're. You don't feel super happy to see. As the years moved on, though, that became embarrassing for me and I gravitated towards older people, older friends. So I felt like I was kind of left behind. You know, I'm like, my other friends are doing this or doing that, and I'm. And I'm stuck here, essentially.

Yeah. So what age were you when you started to feel embarrassed and left behind? After we had this experience of initial excitement. Excitement and feeling like this was the right thing. This was a good thing.

Yeah. Fifth. Fifth grade, maybe.

Okay. Okay. And so during this year of. Did you repeat second grade? So during that year, was the entire year feeling like, this is amazing?

That's my memory of it. Yeah. Okay.

That's all that matters. Right. Like our perception, our experience of what's happening. That's where what I teach. The practice of emotional healing solves. Right. Like, we don't need the external to be different. We don't need the past to be different. We don't need now to be different. We need to recognize we can have the experience we want to have, even in the face of what is really going on around us.

Yeah.

Right. So what did. We're going to go back to the transition. With your parents splitting up and you now moving with your mom. What did you make up about yourself at 9 years old and what were you feeling when that occurred?

Did I make up a lot? So I'm just. I'm still feeling that, you know, feeling in my stomach. There was a lot of disconnection and turmoil in the relationship between my mom and stepdad. It's very kind of like push and pull dynamic. And taking myself back to this feeling, what I made up about myself was that I was the cause of their arguing. Not all the time, but I can recall arguments involving, you know, my name or me and, you know, the parent, the difference in the parenting style and how I needed to be one way and I was another and things of that nature. So I made up about myself that I wasn't, I wasn't good. I just. I wasn't, I wasn't good, I wasn't whole, I wasn't who I should be or I wasn't better.

And if you were good and whole and who you should be and better, what outcomes were you hoping for.

More positive phrase to be? And Feel more understood and not so alone.

Take a deep breath and feel that. And was it about needing more validation and praise and not feeling alone? Or was it about hey, I'm here too, Do I matter?

That sounds right. That, that feels right.

That's what I'm feeling. So if you can keep your eyes closed, you're doing great. Let the emotions come. If you can see 9 year old Mel trying to just pour more love, be better in the hopes that that would change the dynamics. What did she actually.

She needed to feel that little girl in me. Loved and accepted for herself as she is. As she was.

How old is your oldest?

She's going to be 8 years old April 21st.

So I want you to see 9 year old you in front of you and I want you to imagine that behind here her is your 8 year old daughter now. And I want to invite you to fill up nine year old Mel. Is that what they called you at nine? So let's fill up nine year old Mel. What, what did she need to hear? What needed to happen? I want you to pour into her now.

So imagining my daughter in place of me to be reminded often and every day that she matters. She is important. Her opinions matter, her emotions and feelings matter. That her uniqueness is an asset and it's to be unique and accepting of your true self. It, it doesn't. You don't have to, you know, stand out in a bad way. It's okay to be different and it's okay to be alike and it's okay to be yourself. That's. I think that's the most important piece that I'm trying to convey. And my gut, I'm feeling that, that nagging feeling that however I did things or went about my days, there was always something to criticize. So that being said, just those affirmations speaking it into her. But you know, she's beautiful inside and out. To be kind but to not take any crap. And your voice matters. Even though you're a child, your voice matters.

So I noticed something interesting. I wanted you to pour into 9 year old Mel and it was way more comfortable to just focus on your daughter. So can we try it again?

Yeah.

And have you talk to nine year old you just knowing your daughter's behind her and this work you're doing you with you is healing generational pain patterns. Because it's one thing to affirm and to say the right words that we never heard to our own children but if we're not embodying that they're caring so much More about how we are with ourselves than about what we say or do with or for them. I can say all day long, your body is beautiful. Honor yourself, believe in yourself. But if I'm beating up my body, if I'm dishonoring and disrespecting myself, if I don't believe in myself, even if I'm not saying it out loud energetically, our kids are freaking brilliant and they pick up and then they think something's wrong with them because you're saying one thing, but your actions are incongruent. But something doesn't add up here, right? So your daughter, we gotta move out the way for a second. And this is the pattern. Let me give what I needed to somebody else without recognizing it's my job to be in co creation and collaboration with my own inner child. That's not healed. And I don't care how successful you are, I don't care, you know, how many people you lead, how much money you make, how big your house is. If you're not healed with your own inner child, you continue to be a younger version of yourself. Beating your head against a wall, frustrated and unfulfilled. And you don't have to, you don't have to live like that. Yeah, okay, so what happens when I say all this and then we're gonna try it again?

Yeah, we're gonna try it again. I'm gonna speak to myself 9 year old self and my daughter's going to be in the background.

So let's take our time. Let's take three deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth, ground, you're safe. Whatever emotions come up, they need to be released for this pattern of you denying yourself, which is ultimately why you feel alone no matter what.

To 9 year old Mal, you are smart. Just because you struggle with one subject or two subjects in school, for example, your brain is so beautiful and smart and you have good ideas and you are good at things. I can just feel and remember as a child, you know, hating being called on in class if I didn't know the answer. And oftentimes especially in a subject that we struggled in, you know, like for me it was math and science. I struggled really, really badly. Even with the extra help, my brain was just completely just turned off to it. And the more embarrassed I would get in front of people about that, the worst that I would feel. And you know, that carried into at home as well. And I guess like I was never really pushed for a certain grade or grounded if I, you know, didn't get An A or B? It wasn't like that. But I internalize that sadness and those bad feelings to me of being embarrassed that I. I was dumb, that I wasn't smart, that I wasn't capable of doing more than one thing or being good at one thing. And I. I was smart. I am. Tell her.

Tell her you are smart, you are smart, and keep going. What else does she need to hear to combat and counteract all this horseshit you rested in? Because at least that gave you a way to justify what was going on.

You are smart. You are beautiful inside and out.

Feel the smell.

Yeah. Inner beauty. I've always felt like inner beauty in my. And my grandma would always speak this to me, that it just radiates from the outside in that my background was beautiful, that being a mixed child in a predominantly white school district, that I was. I was special. I was important. I had things to offer. I brought my own uniqueness. I.

Tell her.

Telling her that special. You are special. You are great. You are smart, you are. You're valued. And you know, your physical differences or your inner differences, they. They make you special. It's okay to be proud of your roots and who you are. It's okay to visit your dad and really feel connected with him. Like, younger me, I loved to be in the car with my dad when he'd pick me up, or he'd bring me home to my mom's house and we would listen to music, all sorts of music. He had this big, big, big CD collection in his car. Anywhere from, like, rap to hard rock. And he just exposed me to, like, this other side to myself that I really resonated with. And it's okay, younger Mal, to want to be like your dad and want to spend time with your dad, regardless of whatever the relationship was between your mom and dad beforehand.

And your stepdad.

And my stepdad. Yeah.

So can you just tell her now? I want you to lock eyes with her. Tell me when you're there.

Okay?

Can you let her know she doesn't have to do more to be loved?

Do not have to do more to be loved. Now you can get out of the.

Hamster wheel and you can just own how deserving and beautiful and wonderful you are.

You can own how deserving and beautiful and wonderful you are. You don't have to stay on this hamster.

And however it feels genuine, you know, what would it be like to tell her you're the exception that makes you extraordinary. The exception, not the rule. You see what other people can't see. You feel Deeply. You care so much. None of this means you're not enough. This makes you exceptional.

This makes you exceptional. This makes you extraordinary. Feels like a gift.

Feel that. And, Mel, I just want to invite you to consider that any place you feel shame, the cure is the sadness underneath it getting expressed. So let's go back to the pit in your stomach. What's happening now?

Yeah. I'm aware that it's. I'm aware that, you know, my gut is there in essence, but it. It. It's not, like, nagging at me. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So is the pit still there?

A little bit.

Okay, so let's get really close to.

That.

And just ask it, what are you. What do you. What do you want me to know?

I really want to know myself. This. This pit in my stomach, those. Like, ask it, what are you. What are you? Just like this. Just like this ball of them, like these little tiny emotions, right? Like, I feel this sort of, like, release as I'm closing my eyes and I'm talking about these things, but I'm feeling more seen. So that pit in my stomach, like, it's. It's a good feeling right now. It's not like, now that bad, yucky, like, gut feeling you get when you just feel something is off. I'm not feeling that. I'm feeling like I'm where I need to be exactly. Right now.

So you're trusting even the uncomfortable, and you're seeing yourself for all of you. But I want to invite you to consider that this pit is still some type of tension that we don't need, that's protecting you, and we don't need that. Right. So ask it, like, let it know, I see you. What are you? And don't even think about it. Just tell me what the answer is.

I see you, and you are angry.

It's anger.

Yeah.

All right, well, let's go here. So take a big, deep breath.

Yeah.

And let me just suggest you've been thinking it's sadness, because maybe you're more comfortable with sadness than you are with anger.

For sure.

All right, well, let me just tell you, if we don't have a healthy relationship with anger, we're going to be blocked. We're going to be stuck until and unless we have a healthy relationship that includes a willingness to be with emotions as they come up. Our need to prevent ourselves from feeling these emotions that we don't trust.

Yeah.

Keeps us feeling separate and alone.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. I'm resonating.

Say out loud it's okay to be Angry.

It's okay to be angry.

Say out loud, I'm angry.

I'm angry.

You've got five emotions. These are the only ones that matter in the practice of emotional healing. Anger, grief, fear, joy, excitement. Everything else is learned in a coping skill. Being embarrassed is learned in a coping skill. Telling yourself how not enough you are, how not good you are you. These are feelings and experiences that are how we cope so we don't have to be with our emotions because we don't trust them. So sometimes people don't want to be angry because they don't want to make things worse for their parents. Sometimes they don't want to be angry because they associate anger with violence. What's your story about why you don't want to be angry and what are your thoughts, beliefs, judgments about anger?

I am angry with specifically the people that I love, my family or my close relationships. Right. I'm. I'm angry at the people that I feel caused me pain from that, like, hit of my stomach. I'm okay.

Foreign. We're gonna stop here and we'll be back next week finishing up with Mel. This is the healing as possible experience. I'm your host, Rebecca. Silence. Visit rebeccasilence.com Take the free trigger trauma release masterclass. Take whatever's come up for you in this episode and work with me one on one in the trigger trauma release masterclass. That's free to move through it and join us next week and we will continue with Mel on her journey of releasing this anger. Healing is possible for me, for you, for all of us. I love you. The world needs you healed so you can make your difference. We will see you again next week.