Unveiling the Secrets Behind Unmet Needs in Relationships

If you've ever felt frustrated in your relationships, feeling like your needs just aren't getting met, today's episode of the Healing is possible Experience is for you. I'm going to teach you why your needs aren't getting met and how to guarantee that your needs get met in your relationship. This is going to be the first of a series of of episodes where we go into how to get our needs met. And so buckle up, get ready for your entire life to change as well as all of your relationships. Okay, we're going. Okay, three, two, one. We're going. Foreign. I am Rebecca Silence, author, media personality, emotional healing and relationship coach, host of this show. And for those of you joining for the first time, welcome. The Healing is possible Experience is all about taking you on a journey back into fulfillment and full self expression. Depression. Healing is not something is wrong, therefore I must heal. Healing is you getting more and more you. A great indicator that healing is needed is something is painful. But on the other side of the healing, it's freedom, it's liberation. It's you knowing who you are, where your life is going and and why that's so important to you. Without further ado, let's get on with talking about getting our needs met. You're going to want to stick around for the entire episode because at the very end, I am going to drop a truth bomb that will put so much into perspective and have you so much more aware and clear of why needs don't get met in relationships. All right, so. So first and foremost, how do you know that your needs are being met? Have you ever given that question a metric? If you have, amazing. What is it? What's your version definition experience that has, you know, my needs are being met. Now if you haven't thought about this before, here is one example. And you know, the way I teach and coach healing isn't cookie cutter. I'm not here to say here's how to do it right. And I'm now I've been helping people heal since 2002. At the time of this video, it's 2023. And whether you're joining me, you know, right after this video goes live or years down the road, what we're talking about today, this topic applies to everybody. And what I've seen in my years of private coaching practice, work with individuals and couples is very often our needs are not getting met and it has us feeling stuck and alone, unfulfilled, frustrated. What's missing so often is we haven't thought about what would getting my needs Met mean how do I know my needs are getting met? You know, when we're students, it's super helpful to understand and to know what our learning style is. I didn't learn how to be a good student until my sophomore year of undergrad. I had been a C student all through high school and then the first year of college. Pretty average because I didn't understand how I learned and I just didn't think I was a good student. So something was wrong with me. I was a bad test taker. Well, once I understood I am very kinesthetic, that changed everything. I ended up with a 3.5Gpa at the end of college undergrad, 4.0 in my master's because I understood my learning style. Same is true when it comes to getting our needs met. If we don't understand what getting our needs met means to us, how do we lead in our relationships to guarantee our needs get met? How do we help the people that care about us, that we work with, that we're connected to understand what support looks like, feels like and getting needs met, what that looks like to me. And once you know what getting your needs met looks like to you, you can start to be way more curious and and way more inquisitive in your relationships about what the other person needs as well and what it looks like for them. There is a great free quiz about love languages available online. That's a way that you receive love. We have so much information about personality types, astrological signs, enneagrams, human design, but we don't talk enough about, well, what's my getting my needs met style, Right? So for me, I know getting my needs met results in an experience of fulfillment and grounded fulfillment. I am filled up. I am fulfilled and complete when my needs are getting met. What's a word that describes for you when you're getting your needs met, what that feels like and how you know you're there? This might feel like a really daunting hard question. Let's keep it simple, you know, and you can even think back to a time where you felt so fulfilled in your way. How did you know? How did you know what getting your needs met felt like? Second piece of this, why don't we get our needs met and how do we recover from that? That's what we'll get to next. So we don't get our needs met for multiple reasons. But one of the first things I want you to consider is am I expecting to get my needs met or am I expecting my needs not to get met? As adults, we experience the same patterns around getting our needs met, around relationship dynamics, family dynamics with different characters in different costumes, until we've broken through traumas, patterns, heartbreaks that trained us not to expect our needs to get met. So just see if this resonates. All right? This isn't going to be true across the board, but I've never had a client that didn't come to me frustrated because in some way their needs weren't being met. And I always want people to think about what? Well, what did you learn growing up about the probability of your needs getting met? What did you see modeled? Did you have parents whose needs were getting met? Did you have parents that were, you know, caring about in a way that was obvious to you? Because I think all parents care about their children, all parents care about children's needs being met. But our parents can't provide, unless they've done some sort of personal growth work, more emotional support, in most cases, than what was provided to them growing up. So just with neutrality, with no judgment, with no drama, ask yourself, what was modeled to me? How much did I believe, on a scale of 1 to 10, it was possible for my needs to get met growing up? How much did I believe my parents were getting their needs met separately and together? Grandparents, family members, friends, extended family? What was modeled to you on this subject? Because for most people, what's modeled is codependence, is love. Sacrifice yourself in the name of love. Compromise your needs, put them on hold in the name of love. Betray yourself in the name of love. Don't think you get to be happy if the people you love and care about aren't happy. Don't think that if other people that you care about are upset, that in some way, shape or form, it's not your fault or responsibility to fix it. These are just examples of what we see, what's modeled, what we're taught. And so often it's just unconscious, what we decide about what's possible based on what we're seeing. So today is about bringing the darkness into the light, bringing the truth into the light, and bringing awareness back so that we're not just unconsciously setting it up on repeat like Groundhog Day, to be frustrated because our needs just still aren't getting met. So with all of this being said, the second piece of why our needs aren't being met, we put them in other people's hands. We want the world to deliver for us. We want our partner, we want our team, we want our kids to show up the way we think they should for us to have our needs met, for us to be fulfilled, in some cases, for us to even feel okay. I want us to think, think about how much pressure that puts on our relationships. I want us to think about how unnecessary it is to give our power away so freely. And when I need someone else to show up the way I need them to, for me to know my needs are being met, that's a lot of pressure. That's a lot of you giving your power away to the people you love, trying to get them to prove to you how much they love and care about you. Now, feel free to disagree, but I challenge you to just consider what about what I'm saying resonates. Because what I want here, my goal is not to shame anybody. My goal is not to have you feel like crap. My goal is not to have you feel bad about yourself or judging yourself in any way, shape or form. I love to say this to my clients. Please do not use any of the new awareness that's starting to come through as you're listening here as more evidence, more ammunition to beat yourself up. Right? This is not about that. It's about helping you start to see the possibility of your needs can always be met and they won't be met when you expect them not to be. When you play out the dynamics you saw growing up that only led to a glass ceiling, right? And so what we don't want is after today, that glass ceiling to be self inflicted, right? We want to help you break through the glass ceiling of possibility that you've known. And from there I want you to consider it's never going to do you or your relationships any favors when you put your needs in other people's hands. When you put your needs in the external, it just will leave you powerless and super frustrated, maybe even resentful. Okay, now, third reason, third point for today that I want to talk about when it comes to so why are we not getting our needs met? We're just not honest. It is so often that I see clients afraid to tell the truth about where they're frustrated, what's not working, and what they would like to be different instead. In some cases, when we're so used to, and I don't care, this applies to everybody. I don't care how high functioning, high achieving, how successful you are. We still have to learn how to navigate relationship dynamics in a healthier way than what we saw growing up. If we're unfulfilled, if you're fulfilled already in your relationships, amazing. That probably just means you Know yourself. You take your needs into your own hands and you're not afraid to be honest. But that's very few people. I don't know anyone. I've never met anyone. After working with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds in my private practice and hundreds of thousands in my audiences, I don't know anyone that didn't struggle with this on some level. So this is why my team and I decided to do this show today. Are you honest? Are you willing to be. Here's what's not working. Here's what would work instead. Are you willing to work with me on this? How often are you having those conversations in your relationships? And if you're not, no shame, no judgment. Let's just take on. Even if it's just for today or just this week, it's time to get more honest. It's time to get more honest about what it is that you need and want. And for a lot of people, they're very clear about what they don't want and what's not working. And often what I've seen is they just don't want to rock the boat. They don't want to make things worse. They don't want to upset anyone or drive a wedge between themselves and someone they love. So they just don't speak. Speak up. But you not speaking up. The worst thing, the worst thing you can do in relationship is withhold love. And your truth is just one version of love. You being honest, that's love. Even if it's difficult, even if it's painful, even if you're terrified and shaking in your boots, you being honest, it's the most loving thing you can do. But what we don't want is for you to be honest. Like Taylor Swift says, in the name of, or, you know, cruelty, in the name of honesty, I think is her line and all too well, right? This isn't about cruelty. This isn't about blame. Because it's no one's fault. As adults, if our needs aren't being met, it's ours. And that doesn't mean we've done anything wrong again. It's just back to we only know our capacity and have belief around how often our needs are going to get met based on our history. So today we're knocking history in a whole new direction and we are changing this. But let's be honest. And there are so many episodes, past episodes. You can go to Rebecca silence.com YouTube channel and subscribe. Hit the notification bell. Search for episodes on communication. Because there are several. But what I'll Say here now is when you're communicating, when you're being honest, really do your best to see the other person is innocent. They're not trying to hurt you. And they're also just a product of their programming, their environment, their past, and their history of evidence around whether or not they get their needs met. So give people a chance to grow with you. Tell the truth. They're innocent. They're not trying to hurt you. Now, if it's an abusive dynamic, please get help, please. But I am speaking to non abusive relationships right now where you're just frustrated. You're just frustrated. You're just frustrated. Talk in terms of I statements. I want to let you know how much you mean to me. And I'm struggling a little bit. This is scary to ask, but will you have a hard conversation with me so that we can be closer and so there's nothing between us? See how I'm taking the responsibility without pressure, without shame on. I'm the one dissatisfied. How often are we projecting onto our partners, seeing them and thinking, oh, they're dissatisfied, instead of being honest about, no, I'm the one that's dissatisfied. I'm unfulfilled. I have needs that aren't being met here. Okay, so from here, how do we get our needs met? All right, we've gotta. Again, back to earlier in this episode. What is my metric? How do I even know my needs are getting met? But then from there, what are your needs? Are you wanting more independence? Are you wanting, you know, to feel more affection, to have more quality time, to have deeper emotional intimacy? This is the biggest one I see in my private practice with individuals, with couples in families, they want deeper emotional intimacy. They want real depth and soul connection. So what is it that you're looking for? And what we don't want is to just be saying, here's what. I'm not getting balls in your court. We're not here to pass the problem around like hot potato. That won't go well. It just won't. It'll unnecessarily push those that you love and care about farther and farther away. So let's take it on and let's get more connected. And a great exercise. If you're uncertain about what needs aren't being met. Journal. What I wish was happening in my relationships is the unmet needs that I'm experiencing in my relationships are. Please journal. And then from there, understand, it's your responsibility, right? Many of us heard the sex analogy. Your orgasm is your responsibility. Right? We can't put it on our partner and then they're just a bad partner if we're not satisfied. We have to lead, we have to explain, we have to understand ourselves so we can communicate in such a way where we help our partners understand us, whatever our needs are. Are you feeling powerless? Are you feeling unheard? Are you feeling unseen? Whatever it is, journal, identify it, explore it. But then don't stop. Skip the step of jumping to what do I want instead? Maybe you have no idea, maybe you're very clear. But if you're used to this was me for so many years, your needs just don't get met. You cater to everyone else. It might be really confronting for you, as you're listening to this episode, to be thinking about, well, what needs do I actually have? What needs do I want met that aren't being met? That might be the hardest question you've ever been asked. So the quick hack here is to have here's what's not working for me so that you can start playing with the opposite trial and error until you get there. Now, from here, how do you get these needs met yourself? Regardless of how another person shows up, number one, you decide you're unwilling not to get your needs met. You've been through enough. Starting today, simply, you could make a decision. My needs get met because I make sure they do. That could be a mantra that you write down on a piece of paper every single morning for this whole week. My needs always get met because I ensure that they do. Your version of that mantra. Write it down. I literally am living in such a way that I'm always doing what I want and I'm always getting what I want. And I don't say that arrogantly. I just am so tuned in and so responsible for myself. You know, we talk about in my company, the mission is healing. The cure is self responsibility. And that is so true when it comes to getting our needs met. If I need emotional support and one person that I love and care about and would like to be the emotional support in a moment isn't available, that doesn't mean my emotional needs don't get met. That means I have a whole plethora of friends. I have a whole team of support. Personally, professionally, I can get that need met. And if no one's available in a moment, I can give it to myself. I can take myself in nature, I can take a bubble bath, I can take a hike, I can read a book. I can make myself a nutritious, healthy meal. I can go for a walk, I can go buy myself Flowers, as Miley Cyrus talks about. But it's never the world that isn't meeting my needs or my relationships that are falling short. It is me not fully committed to making sure my needs get met if they're not being met. So I hope this is good news for you here. I don't want you to feel more alone and I don't want you to feel more frustrated. I want you to understand that likely the frustration is the result of you continually experiencing in your relationships today the same frustrating, disappointing relationship dynamics that you've known throughout your life. And again, it can change just because you give yourself new metrics. You give yourself the opportunity to make sure your needs are met regardless of what's happening around you, regardless of your circumstances, regardless of how other people are showing up. With this being said, as promised, here's the big hack that I have seen work so much and so powerfully for so many of my clients over the years. If nothing else, Take on these three metrics around you. Getting your needs met. Ask yourself, what would honor, respect and take care of me? And then go pursue that. What would honor, respect and take care of me if your needs aren't being met? All my years of experience would suggest to me that in some way you're dishonoring, disrespecting and not taking care of you on a spiritual soul level. And you always deserve that. And this is what I'll leave you with today. Your expectations around whether or not you're going to get your needs met will only go as far as how much you believed your parents were going to provide your needs to you growing up. For some of us, that's scary because there was almost no expectation there growing up. I would put myself in that category. For some of us, we were just so used to getting our needs met by other people that we just project onto others that they should be doing more. But whatever it is, your ability to provide your needs to yourself until we have had that wake up call that hopefully you're getting today, you only provide yourself your needs being met as much as your parents provided it to you if you're frustrated in so many cases. So let's break through the self inflicted glass ceiling. Let's rise to the occasion of we deserve to get our needs met. It's about damn time. Let's take the pressure off those we love and let's have some new metrics. Does it honor me? Does it respect me? Does it take care of me? What would honor, respect and take care of me and then I'm going to go make sure it happens. Thank you so much for joining us today on the healing is possible experience again. I am Rebecca. Silence. So honored to be with you whether or not we're meeting for the first time. Thank you for being here. I want you to get your needs met. You deserve to get your needs met. You are so worthy. We will have more episodes on this topic coming up soon. If you haven't already, check out rebeccasilens.com, subscribe to our YouTube channel and we will see you soon. So much love.