What to Look for While Dating Before Committing to a Relationship

At the beginning of any romantic relationship, it's often butterflies, lightning, fireworks, rainbows. And then inevitably, it can get to the point where we don't even know what went wrong. So what happens in that stage where we move from the honeymoon, fresh love vibes into now, More commitment is required and that can lead to the demise of the relationship or can feel like the relationship is getting worse instead of better. Okay, we're going. Okay, three, two, one. We're going. Welcome to the healing is possible experience. I am emotional healing and relationship coach, author and media personality Rebecca Silence. And this show is all about helping you master your emotional health so you can be who you truly are and experience the best that life has to offer you. Whether you feel like you've just been kissing frogs or you've just been praying for the relationship hack that can make dating and relationships easier, today's show is here to help. What should you know when you're dating? What can you do to have an experience of dating that actually tips the needle and moves you into the land of committed love? Long term romantic relationship that you can count on, that you can believe in, that you can trust in, that you've been longing for? Stick around until the end of the episode where I will give you the number one hack that couples I've been coaching for over 15 years have used to either reinvent their love story or to create their love story. I love love, and I'm so excited to be having this conversation with you. And I am no stranger to dating d do's and don'ts and ups and downs and roller coaster rides. I'm on my second marriage. I have been through so much dating myself and I've coached countless clients that are also dating. And it is a universal need, right, that we have the need to love, to give love, to receive love, and to find our person. And it's possible. So. So let's dive in. I've got four big tips for you, and then I'll give you my big hack at the very end and without creating more stress or pressure. Let's just take a moment to breathe in possibility and to breathe out any fear of failure when it comes to relationship. Any doubt that you'll actually get the relationship you want. Let's just one more time breathe and possibility and breathe out fear of failure. This conversation can be a stressful one and it doesn't have to be. All right, so number one, what do you need to know when it comes to dating that maybe you've been missing or maybe you haven't Been paying enough attention to. All right, so number one, what you need to know when it comes to dating is there are two types of attraction. I teach this to my private clients, and I'm very excited to share this with you today. There are two types of attraction, and most people are dating in attraction level one, which leaves them fighting with their past, fighting with ghosts, and wondering why patterns are repeating like Groundhog Day, and why they can't change the game or change the experience. When it comes to dating, I used to say it's. I'm a heterosexual woman. The same guy. I mean, this is a little bit crass, but I literally say this to my friends. Like, same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy. What's wrong with me? What's going on? I've got a problem with my radar and my picker, my choosing. What is wrong with me, right? So attraction level one. It's you being attracted to your trauma, to your wounds and to your heartbreak, and needing a way to play it out again, to have power and control and a new end to the story. It was so painful. But when we don't even realize we're attracted to what we haven't healed yet, no matter how many times we play it out, we still don't heal. We just replace this person again with another one. We end up fighting with ghosts, and it's so not necessary. Attraction level two is where we've recognized we're the ones responsible for healing our emotional wounds and for coming out the other side of healing through our traumas and our heartbreaks, even more alive, even more connected to the truth of who we are and even more clear about what we're looking for. Attraction level two is where we become the qualities that we are seeking and desiring in a partner. This is so big. We're not playing out the old stories anymore. We're taking responsibility for our pain, our suffering, our joy, our happiness. We're owning how deserving of love we are. And we're looking at, what are the qualities I want in a partner and how am I doing myself in those areas? Level one, attraction, Misery. If it's a pattern, if you're recognizing when you're dating, oh, this is my pattern, or this is my type, you might want to run. If you're looking for someone who's embodying the qualities that you desire in a partner and you're doing the work to be what you're actually looking for in terms of where your health and wellness is, what you're looking for in terms of personal growth. What you want in terms of their relationship with their family of origin and their past, their finances, what their, you know, experience of their career and life work is. You go first in being the person that's already being and living and embodying the qualities you want. And you are so much more likely to attract what you're looking for because like attracts. If you want a person who's all these things and then you have no interest in becoming those things yourself, that's okay, but good luck. And you're probably just going to be playing out level one attraction in your dating and it's time to elevate and it's possible to, to elevate. Okay, what are the signs in relationship that are indicating that maybe this isn't the right fit for you? That's what we're going to talk about next. And then we're going to talk about what are the signs that it is the right fit? Okay, so what are the signs as you're dating that this person is not a good fit for you? I'm going to make this super, super, super simple. Here's the one thing I want you to consider that would definitely mean this relationship is likely not a good fit, okay? When there are value clashes, when there's dissonance in value. So for example, one person wants monogamy, one person wants a polyamorous experience, whether it's that or religious issues or one person wants kids and one person doesn't. When it comes to values, if there's a big, big, big, big clash in the vision that you've got for your life, maybe it's this person thinks codependent love is the way of love and this person doesn't want a codependent relationship. Whatever it is, if there's a value clash, you're not going to solve it. You're not going to get your partner to want kids when they don't. You're not going to get your partner to convert religions. You're not going to suddenly, you know, give them the best sex they've ever had and now they are ready to be monogamous because you have them, save them, change them forever. No, we're not here in relationships to change each other. We're here to gather information to see where the values are in alignment. Now notice I'm not saying they have to be the same. I do two day couples intensives with couples and help them actually identify as individuals what they value. And then we create values for the relationship and a shared vision for the relationship and none of it has to be the same. It just all has to complement each other. And we can't have big, major, glaring value clashes. Okay, now, what are some signs that the relationship is moving in the right direction or worth sticking it out and sticking around for? In the beginning, it is that fresh love. Oh, my gosh, yes. I've been waiting for this. I feel so alive right so much of the time. If when that starts to lessen or change, you make that mean something is wrong and maybe this is a reason to leave the relationship. You'll just keep doing fresh love, start over. Fresh love, start over. And it doesn't have to be that way. So when you have a relationship that both people are willing to recommit and to stay committed and to, you know, find that space, spark and reconnect whenever we need to, that's a sign to stick around. When the person is invested in building a foundation with you and when you're invested in building a foundation with them through the moments that are easy and especially in the moments where it feels like maybe it's not working anymore, that's worth sticking around for. Now, it's so important to communicate clearly and honestly and authentically and to do so in a way where you're offering solutions, not just problems. I see this all the time with the couples I coach. They just pass the problem around like hot potato and they wonder why their partner is unhappy or starting to push them away. Don't just offer the problem, offer the solutions. And when you have a partner that's receptive to your ideas, and when they're offering solutions as well, oh my gosh, stick around. Finally, what I want to say is, when you are believing in the standards that you have set for the relationship, when you know, here are my standards, here's what I'm looking for, and I believe in them and I have all of my belief behind. I deserve this. This is possible for me. And you've communicated what the standards are with your partner and they are still sticking around and take it even farther. You know what their standards you can reinvent over and over and over and over and over again. Our standards can change what we want, what we think we need, what we're expecting and desiring. We're not having to be married to that and stick with, you know, where we were. Year one of the relationship is where we need to stay or else the relationship is in trouble. No, you can reinvent, but you both have to know what you want, what's needed, what's next, what feels good, and be receptive to the other and create solutions that work for both of you. I am not a fan of compromise when it comes to relationships because often people are compromising themselves in the name of love, which is just an act of self betrayal. So instead, don't compromise on your standards. Clearly communicate them. Get creative about how you can find solutions that work for both people and be willing to reconnect and reinvent as many times as you need to. And that's how you build a foundation of commitment that's worth sticking around for. People think that if they're triggered, if they're upset, if there's, you know, anything wonky going on in the relationship that doesn't feel good, or if it's not fun anymore, maybe it's a sign to leave. But we're growing intimacy when we're not just wanting that superficial, fresh love experience, but we're letting our vulnerability and the truth of who we are be seen and received. And when we're seeing and receiving the vulnerable truth of the person that we're with or with the people that we're with, that's intimacy. So when you're dating, don't be afraid of intimacy and don't think that intimacy is just physical. It's emotional. It's emotional and it's magic. And the more you're willing to stay committed to yourself and committed to your partner at and as your best without taking, without, you know, being in any type of boundary list or abusive experience, of course. But when you're willing to create the love story, the relationship experience that you've always wanted because you're being the person that's driving that, you're not putting all the pressure on the other person to make or break. Whether or not you get to have your love story. Oh, my God, it gets so good. And again, intimacy. Intimacy is where it's at. So now, without further ado, let me share what I promised the hack that has changed the game for my clients and help them either reinvent their love story or find their person. So number one, you have got to look in the mirror and own it. You're a catch if you don't believe. You're a catch if you don't believe that what you're bringing is so good that whoever you end up with, they are so lucky to be with you. What are you waiting for? Let's get you into some coaching. At the very least. Let's get you in front of a mirror, lock eyes with you, and own anybody I end up with. They're so lucky. I am a catch. And I don't mean this to have you go get all conceited and arrogant, but I'm saying if you don't get how incredible you are and how much you have to offer, how are you ever going to have a partner that gets how exceptional you are and how lucky they are to be with you? Okay, the second thing is I want you, when all else fails in your relationship, to go back to silence and just make eye contact and breathe and take each other in. We get so busy, we get so in our heads, we get so superficial. And when we get intimate, no words are required. Put the words away, get grounded, take some deep breaths and just make eye contact and see your partner for who they are. And with gratitude, express to your partner, just with your eyes, not with words, how grateful you are for them, how lucky you feel to have them as the most perfect partner helping you on your soul's journey of evolution and as the person that you're choosing to love and that chooses you. More intimacy, more of a chance of your long term, committed, romantic relationships. Flourishing relationships, they don't have to be hard. Love doesn't have to be hard. And dating doesn't have to be hard. Have fun with it. Again, go in knowing. I don't want to just play out my old wounds anymore. I've done the work to elevate myself, to have my clear expectations and standards of what I want. And I've done the work to become the quality that I expect in a partner. And I am willing for us to be different in complementary ways. But I am not willing to settle for what I really want. And I am not willing to continue believing I am anything less than an exceptional, amazing, beautiful catch for someone. And I can't wait to give and receive love in a healthy relationship that's evolved and that's mature and I'm ready for it and I'm here for it and I'm expecting it. Take all this with you into dating and let us know how that changes the game for you. Thank you again for joining us for the healing is possible experience. You are so loved, you are so worthy of love, and you are the designer of your own love story. And I promise it's waiting for you. But we might have more healing to do, to experience love the way we've always imagined we could. But you can start right now believing that love doesn't have to be a repeat of the way you've experienced it before. Healing is not promised, but it is possible. And when it comes to love, you may have experienced darkness, and that's real. But the light in you, the love in you, it can change the game. Thanks again for joining us. Subscribe to our YouTube channel and share this episode with anyone that you want to give some help around dating to and we will see you very soon. Love you so much.