Love coach Rebeccah Silence tells a caller how to leave a partner spiraling into depression, alcoholism, and addiction. You can't force someone to heal who isn't ready. Set boundaries, find a safe place to go, and prepare for financial loss. She left an alcoholic husband and lost a house doing it.
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We're live and local. It's Mix 102.5 Big Pop in the Morning on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. She is the world's leading love and emotional healing coach. Her name is Rebeccah Silence. She's online at theunsilentwoman.com. Rebeccah, good morning. How are you?
Hello and happy Mental Wellness Wednesday. I'm wonderful. Let's get into the good stuff.
We're, we're gonna, we're gonna get down deep and, and real, real serious, uh, this week.
Okay.
Um, and this is, comes from a real-life situation that someone had approached me with, and, and they're not from around here, so like, it's no— it's no one that nobody that would know me would know, if that makes sense.
Yeah.
Okay. Um, they're in a situation and they're trying to get out of the situation, but not only is the person that they're in the, uh, situationship with is in a deep depression, they're also starting to become an alcoholic and an addict. And the question is, how— what's the best way to help this person get out of that situation?
Yes, well, okay, everybody listening, think about one person in your life that you really want to help, and they are on a struggle bus, self-destructing, and it's really hard to watch, right? Nobody is immune to having someone they love or care about in a situation where you want to help, but that person has to be the one to, A, want the help, and B, they've got to help themselves, right? You can't help people more than they're willing to help themselves, right? You can't want healing more for someone than they want it for themselves. And this is extremely painful. And personally, I've been helping people heal since 2002, and I've coached over 1,000 success stories in my private practice, but this topic is very personal to me. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I grew up in domestic violence, and I have spent my life loving people in active addiction that there, there's nothing I or anybody can do for them if they're not willing to say, I've got a problem. And I need to heal and my life depends on it. So let's just set the table with that normalized.
No, absolutely. And this isn't, I'm trying to help this person. It's, I'm trying to get away from this person.
I understand, but we, we can't get away without letting go of the hope and attachment to them healing. So the first step is just acknowledging I've got to take care of me. And not go down with a sinking ship that there's nothing I can do anything about. So the next piece, once we've gotten honest about the reality of the situation, is healthy appropriate boundaries. So it can just look like, I love you too much to watch you self-destruct. I want you to want to get help. I can't do it for you. So what I'm going to do is model me healing and honoring and respecting and taking care of myself. And it doesn't mean I don't love you, but this isn't healthy for me anymore. And if and when you're ready to heal and get help, I got you all freaking day. But right now, that's not where you are. So I'm walking away, and I still love you. Taking care of me.
So to, to make this even, you know, to twist it a little bit more, What if they're cohabitating? What if they're living together and the person trying to get away is also trying to get out from under the same roof to get that, to get that distance? That, that complicates the situation even more.
Well, sure. And you know, my first husband was an alcoholic because understanding trauma isn't enough to heal the cycle and we attract what we haven't healed yet. So as you leave, you're taking a stand for your own healing, and that includes you get out of this house or ask them to leave. And if they won't leave, then you have to. And my first marriage ended in divorce, and I had to go bankrupt because he wasn't going to leave, and I just got out. And my lawyer said to me, Rebeccah Silence, you getting an apartment and leaving this house, you're going to lose the house. So not only did I go bankrupt, I foreclosed on the house, but my life was worth me having a mess that I made and moving on and moving forward. And so, you know, you get out of the house if, if that's the situation you're in. Find a safe place to go. Ideally, maybe they leave and you ask them to leave and they do. But if they don't, be willing to get yourself safe and in a position where you are getting back on your feet. But know this, just leaving this apartment doesn't mean you left your pattern of attracting the same type of relationship dynamic. And the reason I started off the way I did today is because there's no way you got in this situation and you don't have a pattern of enabling people and wanting to help people that don't want to help themselves. So I had to say it for what it is. No, you right? Because you deserve to break through and attract next level relationships. Last real quick thing I'll say here is there's Attraction 101 and Attraction 2.0. Attraction 101 is you attract what you haven't healed yet, okay? And likely, if this is you or you can relate to this segment today, you've attracted on some level a pattern, a wound that you haven't healed yet in relationships. The next level is Attraction 2.0. You attract somebody loving themselves, right? Because you've done the work to love yourself. Attraction 2.0 is you attract who you've become beyond all of the generational cycles that you've been playing out that you're ready to be all done with. It can be so different than how you grew up if you'll say yes to the work of healing. And you can't heal other people, and you can't heal for other people. You heal for you, and then all of the relationships in your life transform or elevate to beyond your wildest dreams what it can look like. You've imagined it. Now it's time to let yourself out of it. But we have to clear the runway and get you out of your own pattern. It's really easy to make it about the addict or the alcoholic, But this is you healing your patterns too.
She is the world's leading love and emotional healing coach. She is Rebeccah Silence on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. You can find her online, theunsilentwoman.com. We'll talk to you next week.
