A therapist explains why feeling responsible for fixing everyone's problems backfires. The fixer mentality disrespects others' agency, creates resentment, and sets up a superiority-inferiority dynamic. Real support means offering help only when asked, not imposing solutions.
Chapters
Lots of people are fixers. Yes. And number one, define what a fixer is.
Okay. I am going to actually say it's a bad thing. So, you know the show Scandal back in the day? Olivia Pope is literally the fixer. She's going to fix the broken people, fix the broken pieces, put it all back together again when Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall. Here are the problems with you feeling like it's your responsibility to fix people, places and things. It really does disrespect people when you come in and act like, I know better for you than you do, how to live your life, how to lead your life, how this should be going, at home, at work, in the community, with your friends. So it puts you in a superiority position and puts other people in an inferior position, and it never goes well. So instead of trying to fix them, look at what's going on inside of you. I see it all the time in my private practice of. Of almost 25 years, where we need to be needed, and then we resent the people that need us. It's a lot of responsibility, shouldering other people's difficulties, feeling like it's up to you to make sure they're not upset, they're not hurting, they're not in a bad way. But everybody has free will and agency. This is really, really hard, especially for parents, to let go of control and to let people do what they're gonna do, be who they're gonna be, and then your job is only and be there where you have permission and where they're asking for help. There's a big difference between being support and being the fixer. I'm not saying don't be support. Don't be supportive. But the second you are in fixer mode, you dehumanize, you disrespect, and you play God, and it's going to blow up in your face.
