Why You’re Feeling Lonely in a Relationship and What to Do About It

Being in a relationship, but feeling alone.

Relationship is not what will make you happy and why you're not happy.

Mix order 2.5. The best mix from the 90s. So now, big papa in the afternoon. Time for a mental wellness Wednesday with life Coach Rebecca Silence. RebeccaSilence.com of course, the book Coming Back to Life is available wherever you get your books. And Rebecca, how are you?

I am so happy to see you and to be with everyone. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday.

So let's talk about something that unfortunately too many people have dealt with at certain points in their life and that is being in a relationship, but feeling alone. It happens far too often. And I know people listening, watching right now are like, oh my gosh, you're preaching to the choir. If this is someone's reality right now, how can people help themselves?

Oh, my goodness, I love that you're bringing this up. And for people that don't know, I don't get a heads up about what conversation or our discussion is going to be. So I'm always just as excited as everybody else to hear, okay, what are we tackling today? But this is so important, especially when it comes to mental wellness Wednesday, right? How much does feeling alone, even though you have relationship affecting your mental health, affecting your mental wellness, affecting your wellbeing overall, I'm just going to say a lot more than we realize. So, okay, let's just start with this big point that, you know, finding the relationship or getting engaged or getting married or you know, crossing whatever that relationship status finish line that you've been trying to cross. It's not the magic bullet. It's not what's going to have you feeling loved, valued, seen, heard.

So many people, no, so many people, like, once you hit that, you know, okay, well, once we do this, everything will be fine. Well, once we do this, everything will be fine. Once we try this, everything will be fine. Once we have a kid, everything will be fine. Like, like people put like these goals and once you hit this milestone, everything magically will change. And that's just not the case.

It's not. And especially when it comes to relationship, because here's why. Relationship is not what will make you happy and why you're not happy. Relationship doesn't solve all that inner turmoil and the self worth issues and the self esteem issues and the loneliness issues. And I can't tell you the hundreds of upon hundreds of couples that I've coached that thought I just need to be married and then it's smooth sailing. You get. You think it was hard just finding this person manifesting that and getting the wedding. Welcome to the bigger seminar. Welcome to the way more challenging personal growth experience called well, now you're married. And that didn't solve it whatever it was that you wanted it to solve, right? So with that being said, so let's look at relationship from a perspective of these two sides of the coin. So number one, everyone, you know, just really get honest with yourself, right? Gary and I, we don't know what your answer is going to be, but you owe it to yourself to find this truth for yourself. How lonely did you feel growing up in your family? Ask yourself that scale 1 to 10. How lonely were you as a kid growing up in your house? Okay, now ask yourself, how lonely am I in my relationship? Now, guaranteed it's the same number or pretty damn close. Here's why, okay? What we do without realizing it, without meaning to, is we project how unloved we felt, how uncared for, and how lonely we, we felt growing up onto our partner in a way that we don't expect it's going to get better than what we had growing up.

Well, it's what we know.

It's what we know. It's what we think is just part of the relationship family dynamic recipe. So once you're married or in a long term committed relationship or in that love relationship to the point where you want it to be a long term committed relationship, here's what happens. It becomes family dynamics. This person isn't just romantic lover now they're family. So everything you haven't healed about how you experienced family dynamics and family relationships going growing up, boom. Now with this partner, you're just right smack bag in the middle of the family dynamics that you haven't healed and you age regressed to the age where you felt lonely. And here's just more of what your unconscious is expecting. And I think that word unconscious is so important here because it's not your fault and we don't even realize we're doing it. But I'm hopeful that this conversation is already liberating you. If you're lonely as an adult in your relationship of choice, it's because you're in old family dynamics and now it's time to create some new ones.

So how many people have been single and then have gotten into a relationship? And then as the relationship progresses, all of a sudden it's like the relationship, it's something changed, something's different. A lot of times what it is, if I'm, if I'm hearing you right, it's the all of a sudden, they go from romantic to family, and you're back into that dynamic. And that's the thing that changed. And people don't really know how to put a finger on it. But a lot of times that sounds like that's it.

That's absolutely it. And sometimes, like, you know, I'm learning, you're doing so good. But, like, in my first marriage, okay, And I'm not a relationship expert because all of my relationships have worked out or have gone well or because I haven't had issues. I have been through it in my relationships. I just know how to not lose me in relationships. So that's the second side of the coin I want to speak to today. Right. We felt lost and lonely growing up. And this is not knocking our parents. This is not knocking anyone or trying to find someone or something to blame. It's just. It can be better and different for you than what you saw modeled. And we don't only go back to our inner child's experience of what we saw growing up. You know, we also inherited the. The patterns that our parents played out that they inherited. So you can be the one that says, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Relationship, love and family, it's going to be better. The cycle, the generational pain and trauma, it stops with me. It stops now. And only from that place do I believe you will be able to be in the pursuit of not losing yourself in relationship or family dynamics ever again. We just did, my team and I, a whole series on the Rebecca Silence YouTube channel about getting your needs met in relationship. And we don't know how to do that because it's not modeled to us that our needs matter in relationship or that our parents got their needs met in relationship. But my grandmother. Goodness. Is it possible to not lose yourself to get your needs met and to design your relationship however you want. So what we need is to stop putting the pressure on our partner to be who we need them to be so that we don't feel alone. We need to show up in such a way that regardless of how our partner behaves, we have not lost connection to ourselves. We have not abandoned ourselves. We love ourselves more than ever before and is cheesy and cliche, cliche as this sounds. When you feel lonely more self love. When you feel lonely more, you as the adult in the room leading you less of the inner child and your fear and your trauma leading you and bleeding into your relationship unnecessarily. And the point of relationship is to become fully expressed as an adult. You showing up exactly how you want. You responsible for your happiness. You responsible for your suffering. You responsible for being the type of partner that you want and that you can be proud of no matter what. All of this is on the table. And if any of you watching want some personalized support with this area, I do two day couples intensives that change everything. And I have room for the fall for any of you that want that personalized overhaul. But at the very least, don't be afraid that something's wrong with your relationship. As long as there aren't abusive dynamics happening, it can heal and it can reinvent. And every time I have someone lonely in a relationship, they're just stuck in family dynamic patterns and stuck at a young age. And most of the time so is their partner. And that can heal so fast. That can heal so fast.

So there's lots of tools and to reach out to Rebecca and go to rebeccasilence.com for all those details. So the first step, if you're in a relationship or you're feeling alone, the first step pretty much is, you know, look yourself in the mirror and take care of yourself.

The first step is to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself and connect to yourself and to say out loud, you're never going to be lonely again. Because we, we've got like, I'm right here. We parent ourselves the way we were parenting, we abandon ourselves the way we felt abandoned and we neglect ourselves and abuse ourselves all the same way. So take a moment and a deep breath and you look yourself in the eyes and you go, oh, babe, you're never going to be lonely again because here I am. That's the first step.

And do it in a fun way, like a, like a compassionate way. Not like in a I'll find you like that. You don't want to.

Right, right, right. This is not creepy. O but like the first thing when you said, okay, what's the first step? I heard New Kids on the Block, step one, we can have lots of fun. Step two, there's so much we can do, right? In step three, it's just you and me. Like, seriously, this is the friggin process. This is it. Go play yourself step by step. You know, we got to get back to ourselves again. That's what's been missing.

And New Kids on the Block Coming Back to Life is the name of the book. It's available everywhere. All of your Rebecca Silence needs available@rebecca silence.com Rebecca, amazing stuff as always. Thank you so much. We'll talk to you next week.

I love you all. Go have fun looking at yourself in the mirror. Bye. Bye.

Step one.