Work-life Balance: How to Be a Great Parent and Advance in Your Career.

It isn't about what we tell our children is possible. It's about what we model and exemplify and lead in in terms of how we're living our own lives. That becomes their glass ceiling of possibility for themselves. So if you're bitching about your body, if you're complaining about money, if you're stressed about work and bills and adult responsibilities, that was what was modeled to you first and foremost. So let's give ourselves some grace. But also that's what we're telling our children is what is going to happen to and for them. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one, go. Ever felt like something that you had to choose over yourself? This episode of the Healing is Possible experience with me, your host, Rebecca. Silence is all about having it all. Even as a parent, it can be easy to kind of get swallowed up in the societal norm that parents need to self sufficient sacrifice to be their best for their children. And I just want to squash that societal norm and myth like it needs to be squashed because that doesn't have to be a truth that we live by. I became a mother a week after my 24th birthday for the very first time. And when I had Madison, I was in labor 22 hours and we ended up with an emergency C section because her heart rate had dropped and her responsiveness was weakening and weakening. And it turns out she got stuck underneath my pelvic bone. So after 22 hours of labor, which I always joke, she just didn't want to be a Scorpio like me. Her. Her birthday was the first day of Sagittarius zodiac sign. And she kept me in labor all night so that she didn't have to be an official Scorpio like her mother is, is the joke. But when we went in for the C sect of a sudden, they said, okay, we have the baby. And I didn't hear any crying and that the labor had been stressful and she was in distress. So when I didn't hear tears or crying that comes along with the tears, I very much freaked out. And she was just looking around. There was nothing wrong with her. She has the biggest blue eyes, and she was just looking around and taking it all in. And that has been her spirit and her essence. Now she's about to be 18 years old and she' leaving for a gap semester in just a week from the moment that I'm recording this episode for all of you of the Healing is Possible experience. And you know, it's a whole next level of parenting with this high school graduate who's about to be 18 and is off to see the world. But I will never forget finding out that I was pregnant with her. I will never forget meeting for the first time this person. And I made a pact with myself the moment I clapped eyes on her that I would do my best to be my best for her. I wanted her to have a healed mom, and I was anything but that at the time that she was born. And it took several years. And I'm still a work in progress every day of my life, proudly. I never think that there's some magic finish line that I will cross as a woman, as a leader, as a parent, as just a human being. And I've, I've fully arrived. I, I full on expect to continue growing, evolving, transforming and progressing. But my oldest child, Madison, gave me this inspiration that I didn't have for myself yet to, to be my very best. I couldn't do it for me. I didn't have the self worth. I didn't think I deserved it or was even necessarily capable of being my best if I was just thinking about doing that for myself. It took this life that I was now responsible for to inspire me and motivate me and to encourage me to really look at what I wanted to model and who I was being. As a model of possibility for her. I wasn't educated yet with a master's degree in counseling at the time of her birth, or with the coaching and certifications that I'm so proud to carry to this day, or, you know, all of the life experience that I've had over the past 18 years of her life. I didn't have any of that yet, but I did have this voice that whispered into my ear saying, it's your responsibility to break the patterns that you have been living with and modeled, having modeled to you. It's your responsibility to blaze the trail of what you want your daughter to see as what's possible for her because she's watching you. And I think it's so important for all parents to hear me say, it isn't about what we tell our children is possible. It's about what we model and exemplify and lead in in terms of how we're living our own lives. That becomes their glass ceiling of possibility for themselves. So if you're bitching about your body, if you're complaining about money, if you're spending, stressed about work and bills and adult responsibilities, that was what was modeled to you first and foremost. So let's give ourselves some grace. But also that's what we're telling our children is what is going to happen to and for them without actually saying that. So I just want us to be careful about what we're modeling in terms of are we making being an adult attractive to our children. And I want to invite you to listen to this entire episode today because we are really going to take on by the end of the episode what it means to have it all, to not have to choose career over being a parent or self care over being a parent, or our dreams and sense of independence and adventure over being a parent. And so many of us watched our parents limiting what they wanted for themselves because they were parents, or at least that could have been our interpretation of what was going on. And our parents are always doing the best they can from the level of awareness that they have with the tools that they have. But so often parents are parenting the way they think they should because of the way they were parented. It doesn't mean that the way they were parented is bad or wrong, but it might not be authentic for you to parent the way you were parented. I just want to invite everybody to take that into consideration because you get to parent however you want to parent. You get to be the leader that is modeling possibility for your children in whatever way you choose. And we can literally take an eraser and erase how it's been and from this moment forward decide how do we want a parent. And I just want everybody watching that is a parent or that fears becoming a parent because what if I lose my independence to be hearing these words that you absolutely can have it all and you absolutely can do it your way. And it's critical that you make the decision that parenting gets to enhance your life versus limit your life, your independence, your sense of freedom and definitely your career. Parenting doesn't have to be a limitation, but we're taught that it can be. And what if that never has to be true Again, fast forward. I've got this almost 18 year old child and a 7 year old daughter as well. I'm a mom of two girls and I will proudly say that I have not given up on any dreams because I'm a parent and I've modeled for them. Being someone that runs and owns a business that has big dreams and big pursuits beyond just my role of being a mother. There is so much more to me than just I am a mother and then it is the greatest job I will ever have. I am not confused about that. Being a mom has made me so much better as a woman, as a person as a leader. And these little humans, they deserve the best of me. And I deserve to know that just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I can't have a big career or big independent pursuits and dreams and freedom outside of that role. So since being Madison's mom first and then Seneca, who's seven coming into the mix later, I have pursued higher education. I have pursued building a business. I have written a book over the last four years. It took three years to write and then a year with my publisher to get that book born for all of you Coming back to life. It's on pre sale now. You can go to rebeccasilence.com and check out more on that book and get it ordered right away. But I just want everybody out there to know, whatever your dreams are. I have run three marathons. I've had to put so much effort and energy into healing from cancer and getting my body back. I've done so much to pursue my dream of healing through my childhood trauma so that I could create a marriage and family and future that didn't have the pain of my childhood trauma continuing to bleed into my present. And I just, I wanted something different. And so many people without meaning to, we're reliving our childhoods in the family that we've created for ourselves. And that's not a judgment. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you're doing anything wrong. I just want people to understand that it can be different than it was growing up. Now that we're adults with our own children, it's not a life sentence. That how we grew up is how it is when it comes to family. But for so many people, that's how, you know, family gets experienced. And I did this with my first husband. I was playing house and I was my mother and he was my father. And there wasn't a lot of hope or fun or fulfillment to in that equation. But I didn't know it could be different. And I didn't even know I was playing out the childhood trauma in my first marriage. I just thought I was doing my best and that, you know, can we please make this work? But you can't make work what you don't believe is possible. And when it comes to being a parent, how many of us actually wake up with certainty believing that it's possible to have our independence and our freedom and our dreams and be a parent and what would happen if we did? And same with our marriages or our long term committed relationships. What if we woke up Knowing I don't have to choose independence over this relationship or role that I've chosen for myself, you know, And Madison was a birth control baby. Tmi maybe, but I'll just go here. I wasn't prepared for her. And Seneca was a complete surprise as well. And, you know, I really did see it as an exciting opportunity for my life to be enhanced more with Seneca than with Madison. When I found out I was pregnant for her, I did feel a little bit threatened because my career was booming and so important to me, and I didn't want it to be threatened, but I just made the decision that I wouldn't let it be. Then I got cancer, a diagnosis of cancer while I was pregnant with Seneca. It sent me reeling, but it also had me commit more powerfully than I even believed I could, that I wouldn't lose myself or my life, because now there's a cancer diagnosis and I'm a mother. In fact, I think me being a mother is what kept me alive. When I'm being told you have a 5 to 10 chance, 10% chance that you're going to live. When I'm being told it's time to plan your will. When I'm being told there really aren't treatments other than this one chemo that half of the cancer hospitals in the country won't prescribe because the side effects are so severe. But we'll give it to you because it's the only treatment. That treatment had me almost lose my right leg. I ended up with nerve damage and dropped foot and so many just severe complications because of the chemo. 12 surgeries. It was a nightmare. But my children deserved a mother that lived like she was going to live and that lived for her greatest life and experience, even in the face of cancer, but certainly in the face of the gift of being their mother. And the modeling I had was that there was an either or when it came to marriage and family and being a parent. And it didn't look very attractive to me. And I just knew that there had to be a better way. So for all of you parents that are watching, or again, if you're someone that fears becoming a parent because of what was modeled to you growing up, whether that's just how you were treated or how much you saw your parents struggling or suffering or whatever it was. Parenting is never the cause of our suffering. That's so important for you to hear and for you to remember. Parenting is just a seminar in and of itself that gives us an opportunity to look at where our childhood wounds are still affecting us today. And from there, we have two choices. The first is we can decide to be the person that knocks out that childhood trauma for once and for all. Not because we brush it under the carpet or just because we talk about it or declare it, but because we're really willing to take responsibility for our own insecurities. So many parents, without meaning to, they take their abandonment issues out on their children. So many parents, without meaning to, are wanting their children to be the solution and the healing for the wounds and the voids that they are still waking up with every day. So many parents need their children to turn out just right so that they can know that they are good enough. We do it. I've been there using especially my oldest as the way for me to validate my own sense of self and self worth. And I just want to call all this out because obviously it's not healthy, but we might not even realizing that we're doing it. And we've heard so many times, whether it was our own parents or out of our own mouth or just seeing other parents tell their kids, don't cry. No, that's not really what you think. Here is what you think. I can't even count the times that I've worked with parents and their children and the parents speak for the child and then the child is like, oh, I guess that's what I think. Oh, I guess that's who I am. Let's let our children speak for themselves. Let's let our children's emotions and upsets and truths no longer be a threat or something that we need to manage. And let's declare once and for all that they get to have independence and freedom and so do we. And then we get to work together to have the best relationship possible as a parent and as a child. And so often parents don't even realize that they're in like a sibling rivalry with their own child or, or that they're in an authoritarian, almost dictator type of position that they put themselves in with their child. Either way, neither of those strategies ever end well or get received well or work out well. So I just want us to remember that our child is their own person that deserves to come into their own sense of self and self worth and self truth and that we never need to lose sight of who we are, is an independent adult that deserves freedom and deserves to have dreams and adventures even though now we have a child in the mix. So all this sounds lovely, right? Idealistic, inspirational, but how do we actually make it happen? So step one, I want you to imagine that the easiest thing to do is almost have you and your child like your. Your Siamese twins. But it's very toxic. So the first thing I want you to do is separate yourself. Even if that means you're imagining yourself and your child or children like your Siamese twins. And I just want you to. To begin the process of separating yourself. There's them and there's you. And I want you to really close your eyes and see and feel into your child. Can't threaten or negatively impact your sense of self. And I want you to make a commitment and a promise as you see your child that you will not be the parent or the type of parent that tries to threaten their sense of self and their sense of well being and independence so that you get your insecurities handled and healed because they showed up the way you needed them to. And I'm saying it this way on purpose because without meaning to, it's really easy to need our children to show up in a certain way to validate us. And it's really easy to make your child's decisions, especially once they become a teenager, and especially if you have what you consider to be a difficult teenager at home. It's really easy to think that your child can negatively impact your experience, your reputation, and that they're a reflection of you. But I want you to instead consider that you've been given the gift of being this child's most perfect parent. And I really believe that we have the perfect parents and that we are the perfect parents for our children. And it has happened too often in my coaching practice over the past 16 years that parents have wished away that responsibility because of either a doubt in their ability to be a good parent to their child, or because they are feeling like being a parent has taken away from the life they wanted. And I just want us to know we get to have the life we want and we get to be a parent that is excited about that and that powerfully chooses having it all. So from here, I want you to give yourself time and space. Whether you just close your eyes and meditate on this or actually get out a journal and pen and start to write. I want you to take the time and space to connect to your truth about how you thought life would be at this point in your life. What was it that you wanted? You had a dream of the way you thought life would look and feel and what you thought it would become. And I want you to give yourself time and space as a parent to go back to writing about or Just meditating on and in declaring the truth about what you wanted life to look like. Now from there, I want you to write down the words. Even as a parent, I can still have all of this or whatever my truth is now if it's changed, I still get to create and manifest and experience even as a parent. The biggest mistake that we can make as parents, I believe, is putting our lives on hold so that we can parent our children. It doesn't work. It suffocates our soul and it feels like shit and it will end up in a lot of resentment and that will never work. So what is it that you thought life would be like now and what do you want it to look like even though you're a parent? I think it's time that we begin the process of making being an adult attractive again for our children. Let's show them that our peak years are not 0 to 18 and that being an adult means more freedom and more fun and more fulfillment and more independence and more joy and more love. Because that's the life we decided to create. Those things don't just happen to us or happen for us without deliberate creation and intention around a promise, a personal promise to ourselves that we won't lose sight of our independence or our freedom ever. But especially not as parents. So if you've got any parent guilt, I want to talk about that next. I have certainly been riddled with parent guilt. I left my first marriage and was a single mom for many, many years. That felt like because I had not had a successful first marriage, because I chose to partner with my oldest father, I put so much pressure and responsibility on myself and I told myself so many stories that were bullshit about now she has a bad hand or the short end of the stick because of my choices and because now she's. She's being raised by a single father's not really in the picture. Her parents got divorced. I'm still not having my shit together the way I wish I could or did in the beginning. Drinking too much bulimic, self loathing, self deprecating beyond belief. There was so much room for me to have false guilt about who I was and the choices that I had made and what I thought that meant for my child. And none of it was necessary. I just didn't know that yet. So I want you to give yourself grace, whatever you've been guilty about as a parent. And I want you to know that you are meant to respect yourself and pursue the life of your dreams and the career of your dreams, even in the face of being a parent. And again, what if you have the perfect child for you? And what if they have the perfect parent in you for their highest growth and for their ability to live out their life purpose work in their precious lifetime? Just what if. What is it that if you weren't burdened by the role of being a parent, you would pursue? I think it's a really great question. And what if you let go of all of the ways you think you're supposed to parent or should parent in the ways that you were parented and gave yourself permission starting today to choose how you want a parent that's authentic to you? Just like there's no wrong or right way to live and there's no wrong or right way to heal. There's no wrong or right way to parent. There's just you being your most authentic self and you modeling for your children that you will unapologetically live your best life and show them that you care about what they're watching in terms of how you are living your life. I just want you to go to bed at night knowing you modeled your best and you didn't hold back and you didn't withhold and you didn't shut down the life you saw for yourself because you were a parent. And whatever you've done that you have regrets about or guilt about or worry about, I want you to give yourself permission to know that your best has always been enough and that guilt isn't helping you model a joyful, fulfilling life for your children. If you're guilty, it just means you want more indifference. So go create it. And I know that's making something so complex ridiculously simple. I'm not saying this is easy, but what if it is this simple? What if you just decided that guilt is not an ingredient that you are willing to keep putting into the mix as a parent? Parenting with guilt has your children receiving energy that's toxic and heavy and unnecessary. Parenting without guilt, they might still get upset at times. Not like what you're doing, not like what you're saying, whatever it is. But they'll see you true to yourself. Parenting without guilt means you're true to yourself. What better gift? And I believe that our kids, I've seen it so often, especially with my teenage clients, they want their parents to step up their game. They want their parents to be happier. They want their parents to be more free because on some level they know what their parents create. That's what's possible for them and what their parents can't seem to create. I Probably won't be able to have either, even if I want that. For the adults who are parents watching today, just please know what your parents chose was their path. It doesn't define what's possible for you. And what would it be like to be more aware of what you're modeling for your children in terms of what's possible for you, knowing that they're seeing that as what's possible for them as well, on some unconscious level. And most of this is unconscious. It's not conscious. I just want us more conscious and aware of how we're being with ourselves and how much we're honoring and respecting ourselves and the lives we want as parents, because it makes so much of a difference. Our kids truly are watching everything, and they take it all in as gospel. Everything we say, everything we do, how we're treating ourselves and how we're denying ourselves, it becomes the roadmap that they think is the one to follow in pursuit of their lives as adults. So go back to dreaming about your career again, dreaming in general again. Decide that you don't have to be independent or a parent, that you don't have to choose your life and your dreams and your pursuits that inspire you, or you choose your kids, have it all. And use very bravely and courageously words like, here's what's true for me, here's what's important for me. When you're communicating with your children and listen to what's important to them, today's episode really boils down to this. Listen to yourself, listen to your child, and know that win wins are available and accessible and achievable when it comes to having it all as a parent. And we don't want them to just try to please us and to lose themselves either. And if we're modeling, let me please you and lose myself and make that normal and make that acceptable. They will give themselves away to love throughout their lives. And that's not what we want. So I just want you to know with certainty you get to be independent and free, and so do your children. And your relationship and role as a parent can be one of encouraging them to discover themselves and to be excited about who they are as an individual in this beautiful world that even with so much dysfunction, war and uncertainty, it is still a beautiful world with so many miracles and so many possibilities. And I needed to become a mother that modeled to my daughters that I'm a woman who has the life I want and the life I choose, and there's nothing that I can't create if I just commit. I wanted to be that mother for them and I am so proud of it. And they have seen me work a lot and they have seen me, you know, live through crises and health scares. But they have also seen me never give up on being the best of who I am or in creating the life of my dreams. And there have been moments where I projected my fears onto my children or where I needed them to comfort me by behaving the way I needed them to. But those moments, they were life lessons. And I keep learning and I keep growing as a mother and as a woman and as a leader. And I let my best be enough. And I hope you will make that choice to let yourself and your best be enough. And to know that from this moment forward, you don't have to choose freedom or being a parent. And it is so acceptable to have a big career and to be a parent and just know you. Comparing how your parenting to what you think it should look like, it doesn't do anybody any good. It's a disservice to your family to think that way. All your kids are going to know is the way it is with you in your household. So make it what you want and be the parent that is proud to show up at your best and is unwilling to give up on anything that is important to you, career or otherwise, because you're now a parent. It does require resourcefulness. It does require creativity. But you can have it all and let your kids watch. This month of September 2022, we have a whole month of parenting Healing as possible. Experience episodes for you as we're in the thick of back to School and as we begin to broach the end of this year. Let's let fall away this fall parenting in any way that has felt difficult or challenging or painful. Let's make parenting one of the greatest joys that enhance our lives and our careers. And you know, it really is possible to have it all. But if you don't believe that you can't create it, open up your heart. Open up by asking your children about their dreams and not trying to correct or fix or influence what you want for them. Find out what they want for themselves and exclusively talk about what you want for you and model being the person that pursues and creates that and watch your relationship with your child start to thrive. I love you so much. I'm so grateful that you chose to spend this time with me today. Healing is possible. Your job as a parent is extremely important, but it doesn't have to be threatening and it doesn't have to be stressful. So stay tuned every Tuesday 10am mountain this month for more Healing as Possible Experience episodes on Parenting. Finally, pay attention to the self care that you practice, knowing that that is what you are modeling in terms of what's possible for self care for your children as well. And self care includes pursuing your dreams or letting yourself dream again. Even if it has been decades. Healing is possible for me, for you, for all of us. And thank you for being a parent that cares. You are here because you care about being the best parent you can be. I know that. I honor that and I appreciate it. The Healing is Possible experience is brought to you by my gorgeous team@rebeccasounds.com check out rebeccasounds.com right away for free. Trigger Trauma Release Method Masterclasses for free ebooks to check out my books, courses and coaching services. We're here for you. The darkness is real, but so is the light. And you are the light. Talk to you soon. Bye.