Coach Rebeccah Silence argues you don't have to shrink yourself in a relationship. She shares three lessons from her own marriage: prioritize staying yourself over fear of losing the relationship, use the relationship to expand who you are rather than contract, and pursue both personal and relational goals without choosing between them.
Silence, creator of healing is possible. And I want to talk today about relationships and how do you not lose yourself and have a relationship at the same time? I see people often, almost weekly, almost thinking that they have to choose one or the other. Like I can have me and I can have my independence or I can have a relationship. And I'm here to call bullshit and I'm here to tell you today that you can actually have. And it starts with being way more concerned about not losing yourself in the relationship than being concerned about losing the relationship. So I'll say that again. First and foremost, you can have both a relationship and independence. You don't have to lose independence to have a relationship. Mark and I just celebrated our nine year wedding anniversary. We've been together a decade, both of us shocked by the longevity of this relationship based on our histories of commitment. This is actually my second marriage. I've been divorced before and we made it 10 years. And I think one of the biggest reasons why is because we both have a commitment to not lose ourselves or our independence in order to have the relationship. But we don't, we don't get that modeled very often or very well frankly in this society having both. But you can. So number one, you attracted whoever you're with, whether it's friendships, a career situation or a romance, because you were being who you were. Just think about that. Who you were that attracted. The relationship is who you need to be to keep the relationship and keep evolving and keep growing. But when we get all freaked out because we don't want to upset people or we don't want to be abandoned or because we don't want a relationship go away and we let that freak out, give us permission to be less and less and less and less of who we really are, that relationship is dead in the water. And then, yes, keep growing, keep evolving. I'm not saying you have to be who you were exactly. Mark and I are very different people 10 years later, for example. And our hearts and our souls are the same because you can't mess with or really shake up the essence of a person. The essence of a person can just keep evolving and growing. And if in relationships you're all worried about losing, losing the relationship, if you're all of who you are, there is no relationship. You've got to be you, independent, fierce, fabulous, fantastically you for the relationship to have a chance at sustaining long term. So the three big things that I want us to all think about today again, after you've recognized and embraced the possibility that you can Be independent and have a relationship is number one. You've got to be way, way, way more worried about lo losing you than about losing the relationship. If I'm losing me to have a relationship that is not a relationship that I want to keep. But you've got to know people aren't asking you not to be yourself almost all of the time. If you're thinking, okay, I have to lose me to have them, I'm going to suggest that's in your head. Unless you really got a person saying, you can't be yourself, you can't be yourself, or else, which I believe is very rare. And if that's happening, run, run, run as far as you can, as fast as you can. But chances are that's not happening where someone's actually asking you to not be yourself. It just could be in your head, your programming, fears about being too much, fears about not wanting to rock the boat, whatever it might be. So do not be willing to lose you and to keep them and expect your relationship to feel great or to be real or to be sustainable. It's a mess. And I see this all the time. And I've. I've dealt with couples where one person wanted to keep the relationship and the other one didn't. You know, if you got to talk somebody into wanting to stay with you, wait a minute. You are worth fighting for also. And I want you more worried about losing you then losing them so that you can show up fully and now that relationship has a chance the second you'll show up fully as you. Your relationships have a chance. Okay, so the second thing is, I want you to use your relationships as an opportunity and a gateway for you to be more of who you really are, not less more. Right? So when you want to dumb it down or hold back or again feel like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to rock the boat. Be more of who you are. Use your voice more. Tell the truth more. Give more of your heart, Give more of your passion and your reasons why this relationship is important to you. Bring more of you to the table when things get hard, not less. And use your relationships as a gauge to help you see where it's time to give more of you. And always there's more of you to give always. There's never not an opportunity for you to give more of you in relationships because of relationships. Use relationships to be more you. And then finally, I do want you to really, really, really embrace that you can have it all. I've got Angela Johnson, dear friend of mine, special guest on the Tougher Together Breakthrough podcast Season two Coming in to talk about just that. How she's risen to the occasion in her life of having it all. She got married this year. She launched a new rebrand of her business, opened a new location, added a lifestyle shop. Those of you in central New York that know her know what I'm talking about. Those of you that don't know Angela Johnson, you want to you can have it all. But we get afraid that we have to pick and choose or that oh my gosh. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to ask for too much. Well, why not? This is your life. Do you get more than one? I don't know. I do know you have a full opportunity to fully be you and show up to the life you have called this one and to go for having it all. It's your right. You deserve it. I want to see you go for it and I want to support you. If that would be supportive, go to rebeccasilence.com I do two day couples intensives. I do coaching to help you get more solid and clear about the relationship that you have with yourself so that you can have better relationships across the board and you can be independent and have a relationship. And I want that for you. So again, no losing. You use relationships to be more of who you are and know that you can have it all. Thanks so much for watching like this. Share this if it speaks to you. I also want to hear from you in the comments. Healing is possible and I will see you soon.
