Emotional Intelligence for Leadership Success | Highlights | Oct 2024 | NYC

This is a great, great topic. The reason why it's so great is because the quality of your emotions is directly correlated to the quality of your life, right? It's just, it's kind of common sense, right? You have great emotions for your whole life. It's like, I had a great life. You have shitty emotions, like, whoa, what a lousy life I had. Right? So we want to have great emotions in our life. So the benefits of, of emotional intelligence, EQ helps you make great decisions, helps you be a better leader. Interpersonal relationships, obviously it's great for relationships. There's unlimited growth, right? There's unlimited growth in emotional. Can you be completely emotionally intelligent? I think there's, you know, you can just keep going and going and going. Helps you to be self aware. So why don't we just jump right into principle one? And so for this principle, you know, all of our books start out with the mindset. If you don't have a mindset about what you're talking about or what you're looking to do, you're lost. I call them signals. I know in your book you call them information. I think it's actually better information and information about what? So for instance, the emotion of fear. Fear is that. What's it telling you? It's like you're in danger somehow you're in danger and you should do something about it, right? What do you do? You fight flight. Freeze. It's not that these emotions are there to be suppressed or ignored. No, hey, there's some information here. Thank you for this information. We're going to talk about that, being grateful for this information. So Tony, I'm going to start with you. Why is this mindset important for emotional intelligence?

Yes, emotions are signals. Usually they're a precursor for action. They're kind of telling you to do something. And then you take emotional intelligence where basically it's an awareness or increasing awareness and a functionality or how to operate successfully in those emotions. But I want to say too, it's impossible to not feel an emotion at any one time. We're always in an emotion. Our emotions came first. We were emotional beings first. And then we got smart. And for some reason along the way, our smartness said, you know, let's deny emotions and let's check it out the door, you know. And that kind of philosophy had and has consequences. So now we're having to catch up. So I would say that it is an imperative, it's very important to be at least masterful with your own emotions because they are telling you to do Something. So imagine this. You're, you know, if they do tell you something and you're trying to ignore them or push them to the side, whatever, and you want to be a leader, it's much better to be aware and be intentional and be deliberate and work with your emotions in that way rather than try to hide them or push them to the side.

So, Dr. Brackett, why don't we go to you.

You know, regarding the mindset of emotions is that there are people do have mindsets about them, whether you're conscious of them or not. And some of us walk around thinking like emotions are disruptive, emotions get in the way. You know, when I'm emotional, that means I am not capable. And other people have a mindset that emotions are data, emotions are information, emotions help me achieve my goals. And so a big part of our work is to get people away from that kind of fixed mindset that emotions. You know, I am, my father was like that, like, son, this is the way I deal with my feelings. Great dad. I guess I'll be a psychologist. And so, you know, that was his mindset, right? That there's nothing to do with your feelings except like act. Other people say, well, wait a minute here, you know, there's. You can be smart about your feelings and use them wisely.

Mark, you've alluded to it a little bit in terms of that avoid and the safe. Right. And I think at the end of the day, we come back to our nervous systems really influence our emotions and how we feel and how we engage with the world around us. So it's really rooted in an evolutionary perspective. We think about ancient times before we had a more developed brain. We had to really keep ourselves safe because humans were in harsh environments, right? There were potential predators at any given moment. That really contributes to making sure we survive as tribal beings, as community, we can bond, we can feel love, we can feel intimacy. And that also ensures survival of our species by making sure that we procreate and we are safe. And as a community, as a tribe, we can actually protect each other more. Start thinking about how we can outweigh the negativity and start adapting and reframing that negativity, that kind of knee jerk reaction that we have to survive, right? So there's actually a really fantastic tool I love to use in my coaching practice which is called the power of three. It comes from the cognitive behavioral therapy approach, which really kind of outlines how intensely we feel negative emotions and negative thoughts, which tells us that we actually, for every single negative thought or Emotion, we have to outweigh it with more three, three more neutral or positive thoughts. It takes like three to one. That's a big deal.

All right, well, let's move to principle two and principle two, we're going to talk about exploring the science of emotions. So again, in our books, usually we start with these two principles. What's the mindset about emotions? And then what's the science about whatever topic it is, in this case, emotions. So this decoding the biology of emotions, so they're not just these abstract feelings, Right. They have a biological basis and how we respond to the world.

So System one, thinking that Daniel Common really coined is all about that fast paced, kind of knee jerk, very instinctual reaction, right? So it's when we're under pressure and we kind of just react under, you know, just like go make a decision that's really informed by what I alluded to earlier, which is that primitive part of the brain, it's very instinctual, that includes the amygdala and or the limp. The amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is the emotional brain as well as the brainstem. So that is the first part that actually evolves in the womb. In terms of the brain, it's the older part. Fortunately, as humans, as we evolve, we actually have the new part of the brain called the neocortex, or prefrontal cortex, meaning it's just the newer part. And what that really grants us and graces us with is the capacity to actually step outside of that reaction so that we can really make sure we have the prefrontal cortex turned on effectively so that we can show up as our best possible selves.

So, Dr. Brackett, maybe you can talk a little bit about the difference in the neurotransmitters and the hormones, like emotions.

Are in all areas of our brain. And that's just important to know. Earlier psychology would say that we have these emotions like fear and that universally the scary thing happens and people run away. And more recent research would argue that that's not necessarily the case. Like, every one of us has a different relationship with fear based on our childhoods. So, for example, I grew up with a very angry father, and so my relationship to anger is going to be different than your anger than your anger. I saw like this piercing eyes and those pressed lips early on, and that had a meaning for me, which was like, run away or get hit. I think a major goal of the work on emotional intelligence is not to think that my way is the way it's to build relationships with people and understand the reasons that they have their feelings so that I can have empathy, have compassion, and relate to them. So going back to the biochemical piece, it's more complex than we might think because you can have the same neurochemical reaction for excitement as you do for fear. And so this is where the nervous system is one component of how we feel. But then there's all that interpretation. Has anyone here ever felt, for example, like, late at night you get a little like, I'm a workaholic, so it's like 11 o' clock at night and I'm like on my computer doing emails, and all of a sudden I look over at my partner, I'm like, I'm having a nervous breakdown. And am I really having a nervous breakdown? I learned that from my mother, by the way. But that's a whole other story. Am I misinterpreting my body for feeling? And that's what happens. Oftentimes we infer from our physiology what we think we might be feeling, when the truth is, I'm not anxious, I'm just tired. And so that's a big piece of the physiology and understanding our neurochemistry is that we do have to pause your thing and check in and say, is what I'm doing causing me anxiety or is it just 11 o' clock at night? And I've been up since 6 o' clock this morning and I'm just freaking tired. What's interesting about this point about negative emotions and neurochemicals is that cortisol in general is good because at moderate levels there's danger. You want to be energized, to fight your way out of the situation or run. The problem that we have right now in the work that I do, which is in school systems, especially in high poverty areas. Here in New York City, our program is in half of New York City's public schools, some of which there's 20% homelessness, temporary housing, insecure food. You have kids who are in fight or flight mode all day long. And so what happens in particular with strong unpleasant feelings, especially, especially fear, is that your cortisol levels are peaking and they're not decreasing, which causes immune system malfunctions, which causes the inability to focus. And so oftentimes we're looking at kids who are suffering and we're thinking, oh, this kid has a low iq. It's like, no, no, no, no. This kid is plenty smart. They're living in a situation where there's chronic stress and they are biologically not able to learn.

Dissecting the anatomy of emotions. Want to explore the traits. All these emotions have different traits. There's different types. And the purpose really is to label them and understand them. You know, we talk about in the book that there's three core broad categories of emotions. Core survival emotions like anger, fear, and there's emotions of connection like love and gratitude. Reflective and transformative emotions like shame, guilt, even pride. Doesn't mean it's a bad emotion. Dr. Brackett, I know you have a great framework, the mood meter that you utilize. We end the seminar saying, knowledge does not apply itself. You guys can sit here and have a great seminar, learn a lot of stuff, but you don't apply it. What good is it? That's also why we like coaching. So maybe you can give us a little bit of a feel for the mood meter. And we actually hope you don't mind. We actually have the mood meter here. About the mood meter, you've seen this before, right?

I'll give you the basics, which are that, you know, you mentioned this in your opening, that from the minute we wake up in the morning till the time we go to bed, we're having emotions and feelings. This is a tool that's based on a lot of science. It says that at any given point of the day, our feelings can be honed by understanding how pleasant or unpleasant we are. Meaning, do I feel like I want to approach or avoid? Do I feel safe or unsafe? Do I feel comfortable or uncomfortable? And a level of activation, meaning, do I feel energized or I feel depleted? And it covers all the emotions that Rich was talking about. Your kind of survival emotions, if you want to call it that, the fear and anger emotions it covers, we call learning emotions like optimism and hope and determination, or your subconscious emotions like pride versus shame. And you just think about it, how pleasant is it? How much energy does it have? And it's a great way to kind of just organize your emotional life.

How can this be helpful in a corporate setting?

We're learning more about emotions. We're driving that idea home, and we're becoming more emotionally intelligent by doing that. So the more we look into that domain, the better. And the more emotions that we learn about and more what they do, what they say to us, the better. Say, if you're going into a meeting or maybe a training class like this, you can be more intentional with your emotions, right? So we already know that having an emotion of lightness and curiosity is a good emotion to be in for training, not an emotion of fear. Or disappointment. Maybe you're pissed off about something in the morning, something happened on the road, getting there, or had an argument with a friend of yours, and you can't let that go. Knowing that you walking into that training class with an emotion of negativity is going to close off access or limit your access to the higher order, thinking of creativity, of innovation, and your empathy. So basically this is a pursuit of being more intentional.

What does somatic mean? How does it relate to emotions being stored in the body or trapped in the body?

Okay, the word somatic comes from a Greek word, soma, meaning body. So anything pertaining to the physical body and in terms of emotions, I guess it's guiding us to understand that emotions are more than a mental or psychological experience, that they're a physical experience too. And it's been said, I think a term that's thrown around there is that emotions are energy, emotion, and because of that they're supposed to move through you, not really be stuck or to hold on. And the experience of being able to express emotions is really necessary because when they're repressed or they're suppressed, they get stored in the body and create physical ailments, diseases, discomfort, just even the experience of when you're stressed. And you know, okay, there's tension in my shoulders, I feel like there's a lot of weight on my shoulders. I've got a lot of responsibility. Over time, this becomes a chronic pain that you would feel. And so essentially when we're talking about the somatic experience is understanding that emotions do arise in the body as a physical sensation. And the more that you're in tune with what that sensation, the more room you have to intentionally decide how you want to proceed. And especially when you have the vocabulary of understanding how to describe and differentiate these different sensations with words.

In our culture, we often have like a top down, like mind over matter approach. But the important part of emotional release is using your body as a resource. How can we have a bottom up approach to inform how we're feeling and therefore it's related to emotional intelligence? Because then we can actually again turn on the prefrontal cortex as we're linking us all together to better show up for our teams, for our employees and for ourselves and for the people around us. Emotional release work really comes down to, I think of working with a soma, the body. We're thinking about the vagus nerve, which is a cranial nerve, extends from the back of the brain here and innervates all of your major organs, which is a huge deal right it has a massive impact on so many functions. So one of the ways that I really love to teach is breath work, right? It's the easiest access to the vagus nerve through constricting the back of the throat. It's a form of pranayama in the yogic kind of philosophy. You can constrict the back of the throat. We can even do it now. You inhale deeply through the nose and you almost make like a Darth Vader sound. Okay? So it's like you're exhaling out of the mouth, but with a mouth close, so it sounds like this. So you close the back of the throat. What that does is it actually vibrates the vagus nerve to actually turn on the parasympathetic part of the nervous system, which is associated with rest and digest. We get to be chilled and get to be more resourceful. We want that same way that we can access the vagus nerve is through sound. So even making humming sound or like an om or a chanting, singing, shaking is really great. If we think of the animal kingdom, dogs, after they're really excited to see you, what do they typically do? They shake, right? They regulate. We are the only mammals that don't really do that because it's not socially acceptable anymore, but it's actually really helpful. We can think about shaking, we can think about dancing, ecstatic movement. And then yoga is a more socially appropriate way to move and release emotion.

There are two influences on emotions. I like to think about these things. These are things you may have control over. So internal, for instance, might be something like sleep, and external might be something like. Music is one of my favorites music. It's kind of, of course, right? Thinking about working out and you're like, you play some music, like, let's go.

I mean, you can't separate your mind from your body, right? So that's the simplest thing there is. You know, your brain needs glucose, the only thing that fuels your brain. And so we get glucose from eating carbohydrates primarily. So at 4 o' clock in the afternoon, you know, you think, oh, let me get that protein bar. It's actually not going to be as helpful as if you had like a little fruit or some kind of, you know, healthy carb. I would say that the way we define emotions are that they are mostly automatic responses to stimuli. So we have an emotion because something shifts in our environment. Like Rich all of a sudden says, you know, Mark, go blank yourself. Like, I didn't expect that. And so, boom. My brain has interpreted that as A threat. And now I'm gonna go, like, beat him up or run away.

He's a black belt.

Yeah. So be careful with that. The studies were done where you had someone just sitting sedentary, like we are, versus someone kind of doing a walking machine or a bicycle. And then someone comes in to try to trigger them. And the question was, would the person who was exercising versus sitting, how would they respond? In controlled experiments, so 100 people sit, 100 people do the exercise. And what was found was that people who were exercising right with the release of endorphins and other neurochemicals just did not get as activated as the people who were being more sedentary. So you can see how, like, now you should go to the gym before you go home. Right. It'll put you in. It literally will just change your neurochemistry so that you will be less triggered.

So let's move on to Principle 6, and this is about that. Emotions can really literally be habits. Some of them could be habits, some of them just instinctual.

The more that you actually repeat an emotion, it doesn't really take as much of a trigger to actually get you there. Even a thought or even thinking that you might find a trigger that's going to bring you there will bring you there. And so it made me feel like, oh, this is just the way I am. And acceptance. I'm like this because this person was like, my father was like this. My mother was like, this is just the way I am. But the good news is that there is this way to change. But it first comes with awareness, which I think I work a lot with my clients. But first, being aware of what is that emotion that you keep returning to and what is it that you want to be feeling. So if you're speaking in front of audience, you're feeling anxious, but you want to feel confident. The first thing I think really happens in the physiological body, you decide, I want to feel confident. Well, confidence is a high vibrational emotion. So if I'm hunched over like this, this feels very low vibrational. I'm isolating myself. I'm closed off. So what happens if I just sit up a little bit straighter? My postures change. How does that actually affect my mood almost immediately. And then you pair that with something like a very deep intention, like an incantation. So you're speaking something with high emotion, like, I am confidence. Confidence exudes out of me. I am, you know, what I have to say is important, whatever that statement is. And you emphasize different words with different tones and Excitement and emotion because emotion really strengthens our habitual responses. They talk a lot about this in yoga. Anything that's done with an emotion becomes a habit far faster than without.

So Arianna, I'm curious about this concept of emotional agility and maybe perhaps since you do a lot of corporate wellness, is this something that can be taught?

Absolutely. So to speak to emotional agility, it really speaks to being able to recognize the emotion, understand it and then better manage it. Right. So this is absolutely crucial when we're thinking in a corporate setting or any team setting, especially as leaders. Right. How can we be effective role models for our teams? And equally how can we make sure that our teams are well if, you know, we didn't close that contract.

Oh crap.

Okay, what do we do? Move on to the next. Right. We need to be agile to be able to meet the growing demands, especially if we're thinking about scaling, if we're thinking about, you know, just in general meeting business needs. We want to be able to think ahead that way. How we do this in corporate settings, it really looks like building those skills of emotional intelligence. Can I have that self awareness of where I'm at so I can actually recognize what do I need? How do I then communicate that need to potentially my team, a peer, my manager, higher up, whatever it might be, how can we then collaborate and also build in empathy? How can I then recognize my peers, their needs, what might they need so that we can collaborate and work more cohesively. So it really, really does have an impact on organizational structure, on just dynamics, workplace wellness, employee turnover, job satisfaction, all the things. It's very much something that I love to teach and is through workshops we do this and at Aruta we do that, we deliver workshops and we teach just this.

So now we've been talking mostly about internally, our own emotions. Now we're going to move out to, to emotions of other people that you're involved, this is somebody else that you might be talking to. Strengthening relationships by emotions.

So let's imagine I am your significant other. But now we're just starting to date and I come home from work and I'm like, I hate my job. How am I feeling? Frustrated, angry, frustrated, frustrated, agitated. My true emotion was that I was denigrated at work. I'm making this up right now and I'm feeling deep shame. But is it culturally allowed for me to be a man who shows up and like, you know, I feel humiliated and I feel shame? No, I'm just gonna express it as anger because that's just More appropriate for, you know, society, the way I've been developed. And so now all of a sudden, I come into your office, I hate this job. And you're like, who do you think you are talking to me that way? And then all of a sudden, we're in this big fight when. Because my emotion activated you, right? Because you're like, oh, this signal, like this guy's, you know, whatever. And think about it as like, parent, child, couple, leader, subordinate. I mean, all these misunderstandings that are happening, and it mostly happens because we get triggered. We think we know what the person is feeling. And because when we're activated, we're not able to be present and say, like, gosh, it sounds like you had a really rough day at work. Tell me what happened. And then you hear what's happening. And then by listening, you realize, oh, my partner is feeling shame, not anger. My partner needs love.

Active listening is really crucial.

It's also another thing that most people aren't great at. And actually, I have my hand raised. It was a skill that I realized more recently. I was like, okay, I need to work on this. And we all do. Actually, most people believe they're better active listeners than they actually are. Why is it so important is that we get more. First of all, we get more out of people, right? When we give them the space and create psychological safety and letting them know that they have a place to speak their truth, to be heard and seen. It also is really important in building trust. Right? And we think about in the corporate wellness space, which is my view of the world, is thinking about that. We're thinking about building trust in teams, cohesion. How can we have teamwork so that we can actually build better rapport, actually enjoy what we're doing where we have passion, we can then create with purpose and more oomph, which we want. This is a really important skill to learn for your personal lives and equally in the workplace. So there's a lot of workshops that I love to deliver on this. One of the kind of practices that is great and actually is mentioned in the book and is a huge part of sel social and emotional learning is is the use of I statements. So practicing communicating with, using I statements and saying, this is how I'm, you know, this is what I'm going through. I feel X when you do Y, or this is what's coming up for me. And then the other person just listens. And this is also an opportunity to then practice mirroring. Okay, so what I'm hearing you say is that you're frustrated when I don't respond to your emails right away, whatever it might be. So really being able to give space to communicate and then respond back through mirroring, paraphrasing, and these are really great coaching techniques and. And we coach people to actually use them in real life, too.

The number one reason why people don't actively listen is you're thinking what they're gonna say next as opposed to listening. That was when somebody told me, always on the deep. Oh, yeah, that's true. How does empathy differ from sympathy and maybe compassion and pity?

Sympathy is a lot like giving pity or condolences to somebody. It's separating yourself from the experience. Like, I feel so bad for you, it almost puts you on a pedestal. Like, it's so nice and sunny up here. Too bad you're drowning in that ocean down and it's all cold. It kind of separates. It separates you and it doesn't really create a lot of room for connection. Empathy, on the other hand, is putting yourself in somebody else's shoes, really understanding how they're feeling. Not to be confused with, oh, I'm going to feel this for them. It's not that it's saying anybody in your situation would feel this. I really understand where you're coming from. It's perfectly normal and natural that you be feeling this way, given these circumstances. This allows the person to be validated in their emotion, to be understood. And you're actively going, what would it be like from that side? And this can help in conflict resolution, to just for a moment going, how would that other person feel in the way that I'm communicating with them or given the circumstances, how might they be feeling? Allows you to understand and communicate more respectfully and effectively. Compassion, on the other hand, is like empathy, I guess, a step further. It's empathy in action, going, okay, now I understand you and I'm motivated to help you move out of the situation into a better situation. Compassion doesn't mean being nice, making other people comfortable. Sometimes true compassion is actually asking the hard questions, doing the hard thing, and really rattling somebody to snap out of a limiting belief or whatever it might be.

You know, one of the top requests I get from coachee clients is strategic thinking. And I say, among other things, that your empathy is part of strategic thinking. To be able to project yourself over there in someone's heart or their mind and feel what they feel is 100% part of thinking strategically. Because if you think about it, there is no conflict. There is no conflict. When you fully appreciate and understand with empathy all of the limitations, all of the barriers over there, because then you have it in your calculation. And to be empathetic, we sort of have to be free of a negative emotion because when you're pissed off, you're angry at somebody, there is no empathy.

Well, with that, why don't we move to principle eight? So now we've talked about our emotions for ourselves, understanding our own emotions. We've talked about emotions and interpersonal relationships. Now we're going to talk about emotions from an organizational perspective, from a team perspective. So this topic now is we're in the world of the era of AI, Emotional intelligence becomes even more important. The great differentiator. I know you and I talked about this pre panel. Love to hear you talk about. Why does it become more important, even more important now in this AI era?

Yeah, I mean I'm not against AI, I think AI is fantastic. But you're not going to make love to your AI. And so, yeah, I worry a little bit about that. And the issue, right, is I think where the AI comes in handy is in the kind of that system two piece, right? The cognitive pieces of it. But we have to, you know, you can learn from AI, but you got to practice in the real world. I think that's what makes emotional intelligence one of the most interesting forms of intelligence, which is that, you know, all of us here pretty sure know that five plus five equals ten. How many of you agree with that? Yes. Okay, great. So we all have that cognitive clarity. But how many of you know some of the things that they were talking about around? How many of you know how to take a deep breath? Raise your hand if you know how to take a deep breath. Yeah, right. And like we know taking a deep breath works. It helps you deactivate. My mother in law moved in with us during the pandemic for reasons that were not desirable. It was that I got stuck here. She's from Panama and couldn't go back to Panama because of my colleague Robin's wedding. And it was during the pandemic. It was the week before the pandemic hit. So Irene, who I love dearly, got stuck with us. And we were, I mean it was really rough.

How'd you really.

And I would take my breath. I'm like, Mark. And then I would say, I'm even clear why you need to get the hell out of my house. So I could have gone into AI, like what do you do with mother in law who's driving you crazy? And we say take a deep breath and like think positively. And then I get in the situation where she's looking at me and she's like, you know, are you making me a cup of coffee? I'm like, no, make your own cup of coffee. I don't do coffee with people in the morning. Does anybody know what I'm talking about here? So we have to really understand that the AI will help us learn things, but we've got this is like a real world intelligence. And so we need the practice.

Well, servant leadership is when you give more than you take, but more than that, it's actually this proactive empowering of the people that work around you rather than yourself. So I have a story. So I used to work down the street, 1221 Avenue in the Americas, at Morgan Stanley. And I was there for several years. I had a lot of good friends. I was the operations team, and I was being promoted. And I worked for the product Active International, who was led by Barton Biggs. And it was a sharp, snappy team. And I thought, oh, I'm going to get promoted. My first time in this business, and I wanted to do a good job. So I started looking around me, all the leaders that I thought had the distinctions that I wanted to adopt. It took a while and it was a little bit of an endeavor, but I did finally figure out I can be this kind of leader. Well, it took me two years to build up this credibility and this camaraderie and this love with my team. And in a month, they hated my guts. They saw me as someone who was not myself. You know, I wasn't authentic. I was a Kool Aid drinker. I was just one of the leaders out there. And it was devastating. Long story short, it was after that that my motto became, as I led, I take care of my people first. I work for them. They know who the boss is, but I work for them. And that is kind of like servant leadership.

All right, let's move to principle nine, Deciding with clarity. So this is about the impact of motions on decisions. So when we're making decisions, people think that it's really logic, reason based, maybe a little bit of intuition, and depends on who you are. So, Christina, with that preface, why are emotions important and how do they impact making decisions?

I think emotions guide so many of our decisions. Whether we realize it or not. We're highly affected by that. The logic side, of course, is important because you want to make sure that you're not making impulsive decisions, especially when emotions are running really high. If you're angry, you might say, say something or do Something that you don't really mean and later reflect and maybe regret that. And so I think there's a balance. There's a balance between this intuition, which is that gut feeling, past emotional experiences, what's happened before, and then there's the logic and reasoning, and you're combining the two. And I would say that balance does not always mean that they're equal. There's a levelness because there's some instances where decisions need to be made really quickly and you're going to rely on that instinct and you're going to do it quickly. And the emotions are actually also guiding you towards what do I value? What's important to me? What am I avoiding? I think these are really interesting things to think about, especially when you're faced with a decision where both options are good options. Those are the hardest decisions to make. It's not a pro con list. Both of them have pros now. Which one do I choose? Well, that's where the values really come into, and that's where emotions come to play. But then on the logic and reasoning side, maybe there's something high at stake. Maybe you have a little bit more time, you want to really think it through, and then you're going to use the logic a little bit more on the heavier side. And then at the end, check in with your intuition and guide, like, how does this feel? Am I okay with this decision? Even that trick where they say, flip a coin and like, if it's the side that you didn't want, it's kind of an indication that it might not be the direction you want.

You do have the fortunate situation where logic is equal to. Is equal to your intuition. It's like, this is the way I thought it would turn out. Yeah. Boom. You've got conviction and you move forward boldly.

One thing I want to add is just some interesting research on how emotions affect decision making. And it really pertains to the idea that when we're not aware of our emotions, they have the most profound impact on our decisions. And so it's not that you make a bad decision when you're angry or a bad decision when you're anxious, or a good decision when you're happy. We've made. How many of you ever made a bad choice when you've been happy?

Sometimes the worst ones.

In relationships, it's always like, find when your partner's in a good mood and ask for that thing, right? Or your kids are really great at that. They're like, daddy's in a good mood. Can we Go to the mall and they're like, yes, yes. And then afterwards you're like, what the hell did I just do? And because you were in that positive state, you weren't really thinking about the choices you were making and you just go. So it's important not to think that, like, good decisions are made when we're in positive moods and bad decisions are made when we're in negative moods. You can make a fine decision as long as you're self aware. And so just by naming your feeling and attributing the feeling to its cause, it will kind of delete that bias.

This is really where it's at, your emotions. And also you can think about these constructs as these frameworks, as managing other people's emotions, understanding their emotions, and then managing from there. So there's a quote attributed to Viktor Frankl. Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. This is such a powerful, powerful quote. This is what I say is mindfulness.

Right?

You want to talk about mindfulness? This is our free will. We have free will. You don't have to react without thinking about something. We can use our free will. So, Dr. Brackett, you know, I really want to hear more about the ruler.

Well, RULER is just an acronym for five skills that we teach in our work, which is recognizing emotions in self and other, understanding the causes and consequences of our feelings, labeling emotions precisely, knowing how and when to express emotions across context and culture, and having the strategies to regulate them. And that's kind of when you're using that tool that I shared with you earlier, the mood meter. You're starting off with the recognition piece, like, where am I? Why am I there? What's the precise word? Given my experience, can I express it? Is it safe to express it? How do I want to express it? Do I need to regulate it? Do I need to stay or do I need to shift? We have about 5 million children that we have worked with now across the world that are learning this every day and really building this muscle. And it's a muscle. That night when my mother was. I love her, she's a wonderful woman. But I wasn't planning to live with her for seven months and neither was she planning to live with me. And I realized I was a complete narcissist because it was like, she's annoying me and I'm like, do you think she wants to be with you? You know, anyhow, we had like a blow up in Our family. And she looked at me and she goes, are you really the director of the center for Emotional? And I looked at it, I'm like, not tonight. And like it's going down. And it went down, you know, and then, you know, I went to bed that night and talking about that space, you know, with the Frank Cook quote, I was like, why would you. This is like your job is to teach people emotional intelligence. It's like, whatever. And so you have to understand those failures. Like what was really going on for me that I had that failure. It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just that I had to deeply understand it. I had to figure out the best version of myself that next morning because she wasn't going anywhere. And did I have the courage to apologize? Did I have the courage to ask questions for forgiveness? And I did. And you know, I realized that I was really so self focused and I wasn't thinking about this 81 year old woman who had been abandoned from her home and her dogs and her parrot that we were figuring out how to take care of in Panama. And so regulation, you know, from ruler's perspective is at the top of the hierarchy. Maybe that's why it's Principle 10, right? Because at the end of the day we have to know what to do with our feelings. You know, do I keep this feeling, do I shift it? Remember, there's no bad emotion. I like to hire people with moderate levels of anxiety. I mean, they get stuff done, right? Everybody, all these mindfulness people that want to breathe all day, like we have to write papers we don't have. You can go to yoga after work. I'm joking. I'm happy with people who do a minute of yoga. But my point here really is that at the end of the day we have to. It's about how am I feeling, what's my context and is this working for me or not working for me? And do I need to shift and how do I shift? And there are many strategies. We've talked a lot about the body ones today. You know, being in touch with your body. You know, stretching is helpful, breathing is helpful. Meditation, mindfulness is helpful, but it's not helpful for everything. You know, you can't just be mindful. You know, if you're in an argument, sometimes you've got to deal with the conflict resolution stuff and you've got to have the difficult conversation. Sometimes you need to take a bite to food, sometimes you need to just go walk around the block. Sometimes you just stare at the Molding, Honestly, that's what I do sometimes. I just walk out of my apartment, look at the molding, like, gosh, that's beautiful. I feel better now. And so my point here is that emotions vary. Anger, anxiety, disappointment. The same strategy might not work for every emotion. So if you want to down regulate your stress, you might take some breaths. But if you're feeling disappointment, you might need a different strategy versus when you're stressed out.

So with that, I'm going to talk a little bit about the rooftop pause process. It's a ten step process. And the first step is to recognize the emotion. What is the emotion that you're feeling? So you have this equivalent in the ruler. What is the emotion? Right. First step is awareness that you're having an emotional experience. The feeling, it's like, oh, feeling something. Usually it's just in your body. Okay. It's an emotion. Okay. Second step is pause before you do anything. Now, if it's an emergency, you're just going to do it, right? Prefrontal cortex shut off. You're just going to do it. You don't have to worry, like, what a fuck car is coming. Like, I paused. Like, should I jump out of the way or not? No, you're going to jump. Don't worry about that. Then appreciate the signal. Like I said, the Great Architect. The Great Architect has given us this architecture, right? Thank you for this. You're giving us information, as you would put it. This is information. What am I going to do with it? What's the signal? What is that? So fear. What is the signal from this information? Fear. Signal is right. We always talk about this fear. We've talked about this in the past. Fear is. There's danger. I'm going to do something about it. I got to prepare for it. That's the signal of fear. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Then identify the meaning. Then a reality check. Is it true? So there's an example in Hinduism where there's a rope in the road. This black rope, it looks like a snake. Oh my God, a snake. Snake, snake, snake. And you had all fear. You run, then you come back. It was just a rope. Many times fear is like that. FEA are false evidence appearing real. So fact check it. Is this real? Is this emotion real? Then define the objective. Now what do I want to do? What do I want to do with the situation that we had here before? It's like, what do I want to do? Define the object. What do I want to get out of this? Now what action do I want to Take that's going to serve my objective and then wait. Once you have an objective, then this is like a goal. Talk about objectives and goals. If you want to achieve a goal, you want to think about the pain of not achieving the goal and the rewards of achieving the goal, the pain and the pleasure. I want to work out, I want to get exercise. What's the pain if I don't? I'll be unhealthy. I'll have a heart attack. What's the rewards like? I'll be rock solved. So much energy if I work out. So define the objective. To give you the motivation, consider the alternative actions. Now what action am I going to take to achieve this goal? Right. Am I to fight? Am I to run? Am I just stay right here? Maybe the tiger won't notice me. I'm going to fawn. I just give in. Consider the actions. Decide and act affirmatively. We talked all about decisions. Decide and take action with conviction. And then the last step is reflect. Think about what you did. You might get a chance to turn it back like you did. You know what? I'm going to apologize and maybe that deepen your relationship with your mother in law. I don't know. But reflect on it. Maybe there's next time this happens, what are we going to do about it? But reflect on it. So now I'm going to leave you with this. There are two types of procrastination. One type of procrastination on things where you do have deadlines, right? These are things that actually will get done, right? Your taxes, right? There's a deadline, April 15. Most people will get their taxes done right now.

What's the pain?

What's the problem with procrastinating on something like it? Stress. Right? Stress. You might not do a good job, you might screw up on it, but you get it done, right? So all right, you get it done. The second type of procrastination, it's deadly. The types of procrastination without deadlines, without apparent deadlines. Maybe you haven't talked to your sister in three years. There's no deadline for that. Maybe there is. What would the deadline for that be? Yeah, maybe she dies. Maybe I die and never, never get it done. Maybe. Sorry, I'm a little emotional about that one because that happened to me, right? And it's like. And it's like the coach like, hey, let's just call her did Boom. We didn't know why we're mad at each other. Maybe you wanted to write a book. Then you're on your Deathbed. It was like, oh, shit. Didn't get it done. Procrastinating on things you want to do. The bucklist. Things you want to do that don't have a deadline, but they really do at some point. It's like, oh, shit. For the business professional, the SEC mock audit you're going to do, it's like, we're going to do a mock audit. We're going to do a mock audit. It's like, knock, knock, knock. SEC comes in to do the exam, it's like, oops, we didn't do the mock audit. We're screwed. This is why I love coaching. My coaches will not let me get away with these things. They know it's my goal. We'll set a deadline. How many books have we written?

12.

12 books in the last two years. We set a deadline. The deadline is a seminar like this. I'm inviting everybody I know and then people I don't know and say, we're coming with a book, setting a deadline. So you need to set a deadline. It was my coach's idea. Set a deadline. My favorite form of accountability is public humiliation. I say, I'm coming with a book. I'm like, where's your book? Like, loser. Yeah, loser. You said you're writing a book. We always come out. Comes down to the wire every single time out of the presses. Today's the first day I saw the book because we wrote it. And it comes right down to them because of mindful procrastination. But this is why I love my coaches. They will not let me get away with the things that I want to do. My most important goals for my mission, they will hold me accountable, figure out how to hold me accountable.