In this informal, iPhone‑recorded coaching video, Richard Milligan of ForC Recruiting addresses a common dilemma for recruiters: how to move a prospect out of the “friend zone” and turn a friendly industry relationship into a recruiting opportunity. Milligan argues that recruiters must first build a relationship, but they must also create “healthy tension” by providing more value than they receive. He introduces the “surrogate leader principle,” which posits that when a prospect lacks leadership, the recruiter can step into that void, offering ideas, mindset, assistance, and motivation without strings attached. By consistently delivering value, the recruiter tips an imagined scale in their favor, generating tension that shifts the dynamic from friendship to a compelling brand attraction. Milligan notes that tenure in the mortgage industry is rising (from ~2.5 to >3 years), meaning recruiters will spend longer in the friend zone and must therefore sustain higher value contributions over extended periods. He advises that the recruitment “right hook” – the direct ask to join the team – should be delivered only after the surrogate leader role has been established and the recruiter can credibly claim they have given more value than received. The video concludes with a call to action to book a coaching session via his calendar link.
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Hey gang, it's Richard Milligan here with ForC Recruiting, and I just came off of a really good session, and because of that, I wanted to record a video while this is still fresh in my mind. So for those of you that coach with me, you know this is kind of my studio, and I'm just popping a cell phone, my iPhone, open here and recording this while it's fresh. So a question that came up in a coaching session that is a really good question that I'm sure everybody at some point has asked themselves is this: how do I move out of this friend zone? We've all made it to the friend zone, right? While we understood when we were single and not married that that was a dangerous place to be, somewhere along the way we failed to recognize that's also a dangerous place to be when we're recruiting people. It doesn't give us any leverage. We can actually move into this safety zone where people don't actually see us as a viable opportunity. We're simply just a good relationship inside the industry. Now, what I teach and what I do believe, and I'm sure that this will resonate with you, we have to build the relationship piece before we can ever recruit anybody. That's a given. It's not necessarily that we want to stay out of this, what we would call friend zone. But what we want to do is we want to have healthy tension inside that relationship. So the question that came up today is, I'm in the friend zone with somebody that I want on my team. I've been there for a long time. How do I move out of that friend zone? Here's my suggestion, and this is what I would tell you. There is this principle inside recruiting that I would call the surrogate leader principle. What that principle states is this, is that where someone is lacking leadership, And I provide something of value, my leadership, okay, they will gravitate towards you in that surrogate leader role. Now, if you don't understand what the word surrogate means, it means this: in place of. So if there's a lack of leadership on my side and someone shows up on the scene and they're willing to actually just give me, contribute ideas, mindset, assistance, all of these things, motivation, inspiration, where they're willing to contribute those with no strings attached, What happens is that we move towards that individual. We gravitate towards that individual. That individual then becomes the surrogate leader. Now, what typically happens when recruiting is that a lot of times you might be a branch manager, okay? And you're really recruiting someone that is an equal, or you're an area manager and you're recruiting somebody that's another branch manager that actually may rival you, may be an equal to you in some of their areas. Maybe the size of their team is equivalent to the size of the team that you already have. And there are some situations where you're recruiting somebody. Somebody who's built something bigger than you. How do we get to this place where we move into this friend zone but then beyond the friend zone? Well, it's through the healthy tension of bringing value. It's hard for me to get this into this little screen here but there's always this scale, this scale that's being weighed one way or the other. When you show up, the scales are typically imbalanced. You don't know each other. What happens is that if I really play the surrogate leader role well, The scales begin to come out of balance because I'm putting more value on my side of the scale than is being given on the other side. And I can put those scales completely out of balance to where it shifts it to where there's tension. Like, the tension is, this person's leading me. This person's giving me something of value again and again and again. And it can take that friendship and turn it into something that's much more, which is what we want, right? We want the forever and ever till death do us part part, right? Like, we want the ring. When we're recruiting somebody. Not in the same mindset of like, I'm gonna marry you, but in the mindset of, I do wanna attract you to my brand and I do want you to be here forever. Okay? So here's the deal. The contribution piece is critical to this, and what that does is this. This is important, follow this, okay? Tenure is increasing inside the mortgage industry. We're going from around 2.5 years to now over 3 years in tenure, and that means that you're gonna end up in the friend zone a lot with people. So now you're going to have to figure out, how do I bring more value because now I have to pursue someone much longer than I've ever pursued them before? So you're more likely to end up in the friend zone now than ever. So where you can confidently make this statement, I have given more value than I've received. Let me say it again. I have given more value than I've received for an extended window of time. Then guess what? we're gonna throw the right hook. Okay? Now, what most people do is they're throwing the right hook from the very beginning, right? It's like, come work for me, come play a role in my company, on my team, let's go develop a partnership, whatever that is. They're throwing the right hook from the beginning. The right hook best thrown is after the relationship has been built and after you've made significant contribution and been able to move yourself into the surrogate leader role. Okay? Hope there's some value in this for you. If you have any other questions around this, you can always hit up my calendar at bookrichardnow.com. If you want to talk more specifically around this with a specific individual, there's dozens of ideas on how you make contribution, how you move out of the friend zone, or how you create tension. But bring value, bring value, bring value. And until the next video, have a good Friday, which is when I'm recording this. Have a good Friday and a good weekend, and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.
