From Survival to Thriving: A Story of Fibromyalgia and Neurodiversity

Welcome everyone to today's storytelling episode with Juanita Markham, who shares her experience of being neurodiverse and having chronic illness to rediscover her core self. Welcome to Beyond Diagnosis, a podcast to raise your awareness, decisions, and voice for alternative practices so you can take back control of your health. I'm Rita De Michele, your host, a mindset and empowerment coach, and the founder of the Onus platform. Join me each week so you can create the health of your dreams. Hello, Juanita.

Hi, thank you so much for having me on. Apologies if my audio comes in a little weird. I do live in the forest.

Well, we can forgive you if you live in the forest. I mean, what a beautiful place to live. That must be delightful, must be magical to wake up every morning to be in the middle of a forest.

I don't even know if I would survive back into the city anymore. It's definitely a healing experience to be surrounded by so many trees.

Oh, I don't know how you would make that transition. From nature noise to urban noise, I think that transition would be just too hard. I mean, you're— you've got an idyllic lifestyle there. It's beautiful.

I am very, very blessed and very fortunate to have a space like this.

Yeah, absolutely. So Juanita, you've got a bit of an unusual story, very unique, and it's Really a story about moving where you were just surviving and now you're thriving with fibromyalgia and being neurodiverse. Can you take us from the beginning? When and how did all this start for you?

So I was diagnosed with, uh, like ADHD in my early 30s, and I'm very high functioning. I have found ways to be able to work through that. Then in my 40s, um, I have had, you know, several different health issues, especially I had endometriosis and adenomyosis. And, and through that, I had done a lot of different things to try to regulate that, always going to the doctors. And finally they were like, well, you're done having kids. Let's go ahead and, you know, get everything taken out. So I did that, and what ended up happening is I got done, and as I'm recovering, I just don't feel well. Like, I ached, I hurt all over. And I remember it took months of going to the doctors, different places, and they gave me the diagnosis of fibromyalgia. And I was like, what is this? Now, at the time, it was still, you know, this was probably about 5, 6 years ago now. And at the time, it was still something that a lot of people debated on whether or not it was an actual diagnosis.

Exactly.

And so I was very angry, right? And I was so angry. I did not like it. I did not like the diagnosis. Uh, I was like, forget that, we're gonna go do some more tests. And, you know, I went to other specialists, got second opinions, and it was still the same diagnosis. And As somebody who was, you know, I've always been very self-reliant, do everything on my own. I had tons of energy to be able to accomplish those things. I all of a sudden went to a point that I was tired all the time. I would have these flare-ups that would leave me in so much pain it was difficult to move. It took a little while to find a medication that I could take that didn't have really bad side effects.

Mm-hmm.

And we just kept on increasing that dosage. And for a couple years, I was on the highest dose that you could get of this medicine, and it really changed who I was. Um, I really struggled, uh, being able to be, um, coherent. It really put me outside of my body. We— I had a different nickname people would call me because, like, I— even my words didn't come out right. I would call things different things. I have slight dyslexia. And that made it so much worse. Oh, I bet you did. And it was a real challenge. It was very challenging to be able to just try to express, I mean, literally the opposite thing. Like, words would come out of my mouth and I wasn't even aware of it. My partner would be like, do you realize what you just said? Was that what you meant? And I was like, no, that's actually not what I meant. I thought something completely different. And I remember when 2020 hit, I became really concerned. People were talking about, you know, not being able to get medications. And the medication that I was on was not something you could quit cold turkey. Um, it had some really nasty side effects if you just stopped.

Mm-hmm.

Like brain, like zaps is basically the best way to be able to describe just quitting. And I started thinking, you know, what happens if I couldn't get it? Like, how am I supposed to take care of myself? Like, this is not sustainable. Um, this is not where I was heading with my life. Like, I was, you know, in my 40s going, I didn't expect to feel bad like this when I got into like, you know, maybe my 70s or 80s. Like, I don't want— I don't like looking at the future with my life being like this and being in pain. And, you know, that's something with people, you know, when you deal with a chronic illness like that, thinking about the future can be really difficult.

Yes.

Because you contemplate it. Not just feeling bad for that long, but knowing that our bodies deteriorate. So it's going to get worse at some point.

Hmm.

And that's really challenging. It's definitely like a whole mental space of having to work through. And so I really, I come from a long line of traditional Mexican healers. And I knew at some point that when I retired, I wanted to do you know, herbalism, like my grandmother and my great-grandmother before me. And so I decided that that's what I needed to do, is I needed to actually start and understand. And so it wasn't enough just to learn about herbs for me. I needed to understand how these herbs affected the body, uh, the different body systems, how it all tied together, um, the things that I needed to be able to do to support my body. And a lot of it came back to You know, learning to listen to my body. What does that even mean?

Mm-hmm.

Um, as somebody who— I am a childhood abuse survivor. Like, I don't— didn't know what it meant to be safe in my body, didn't know how to listen to my body. I was constantly tuning it out so that I could keep pushing and keep going one step on, you know, after another. That's what you do to survive. And I really had to stop and reposition that thought process on, you know, do I want to continue to just keep surviving? Because, you know, it's gotten me here and it's really served me. Like, I did all of the things and it helped me get to where I was in this beautiful forest and a lot to be thankful for at the end of the day. But it wasn't sustainable anymore. Like, I really had to start learning.

Isn't it? That surviving is exhausting. And if I can just interject here before you— I really want you to keep going on that thread that you're going along. In hindsight, do you feel that maybe the physical abuse that you experienced may have contributed to you having fibromyalgia? The pain of having the pain in your body? We'll touch base on that.

Absolutely.

Maybe continue the way you were going along with your story, but I just want to interject with that, um, there so we have it in our, in our minds how that connection happens.

Yes, absolutely. Um, and so, you know, not being sustainable and not wanting to continue to beat my body up. So it's not just what happened to me, but also what I continue to put my body through. Um, just One thing after another, not giving it the ability to rest. And a lot of that goes back to the hypervigilance you get going through trauma, having CPTSD. You know, you just— your body's always on alert. You're always doing something because you don't know how to sit still and be quiet and all of those things. And so I really had to learn how to do a lot of those things. Um, and some of those things can be really different— difficult when you don't feel safe in your body. Yeah.

Absolutely.

When you don't know how to relate to yourself. And so I started on this path, and it wasn't just the herbs. I found that, you know, learning about herbalism was definitely the key point, key process for me. Um, that was like my entryway. That's like my gateway, you know, holistic health was through herbs. And through that, I started learning about different methods to help me really like integrate and restore was really the focus. And so doing a lot of self-healing with like Reiki, going to practitioners for Reiki, learning how to do that was really helpful. So I would go to other practitioners.

Oh, you would go to other practitioners?

Yes.

Okay, please continue.

Absolutely. And then I got into shamanism, and shamanism was really helpful for me on a spiritual level to start working through some of these things, to connect through my ancestral lineages and understand some of the trauma that I was carrying that was not just mine, but those that came before me as well.

Right.

Um, and really working through a lot of that was helpful, uh, helpful in helping me move some of that and understand that I had this grief. Um, I also, you know, as part of this whole process, I've lost a lot of people in the last 4 years. And so I was certified as a death doula. And a death doula? Correct. Yes. And in doing that, um, I began to realize how much grief I was holding in my body because of situation I found myself in. I was— I had anger and I had sadness for this person I would never be. In some cases, whether it was through the trauma or through the chronic illness, that I had these ideas of who I wanted to be, and I was going to have to come back to the drawing board because these things that I wanted, I didn't necessarily have the energy to do anymore. Um, some things were really difficult to be able to engage and to sustain. Even now, I struggle with how do you build community sustainably, because you have to have the energy to be able to support other people. And so it's really— I had to discover all of those things and find a balance. And I did that with the support of herbs. With the support of, you know, my spiritual, um, teams and, you know, teachers. Um, and so that's really for my path. That's really been what's helped me go from just surviving, but being able to, like, find stability so that I could peek my head out of my cocoon and start experimenting with the things that were gonna help me.

Mm-hmm.

when I wasn't feeling well, because it's not like, you know, you do all of these things and all of a sudden you're just better and you're not just thriving and, oh, I don't have to worry about pain. No, I'm in pain every day. But I've learned to have a different relationship with my pain and to balance my life so that flare-ups don't happen as often because I've learned what I can and cannot do. Those boundaries, those self-boundaries that you have to put up.

Yeah, that's a really good point. Those boundaries are so important. And listen, like you were saying, listening to your body so you can actually understand what boundaries need to be put in place for yourself so you can thrive. And it's the pushing out of, or the pushing off— I find that pushing off of everybody else's opinion, what you should be doing Um, what level you should be at, how you should heal, the way you should be. It's— that's what creates so much— that, that storing other people's energy is what creates a lot of pain in the body as well. As I guess what happened to you is what helped contribute to your fibromyalgia, is the point that I was making before. So you would say that that trauma— had a direct correlation to what you're experiencing now?

Absolutely. I remember actually talking with my therapist, and, you know, she made the comment that she finds that it is interesting how many abuse survivors end up having some sort of chronic illness, um, because of the, you know, the body storing that trauma. And then the trauma we continue to place on our body as we continue to move down, down that path.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I really— what I really like about your— what you had just said before was that cycle, the let— the life-death-rebirth cycle. I find that that is incredibly powerful, what you've written here. What you gave me to express here was How when you, when you get a diagnosis like yourself, very hard to, to accept it, to acknowledge and accept.

Yeah.

And then you feel that, where's my life gone? Like you were saying, the life that you wanted, the life that you, you were carving out for yourself. And then to actually formulate that rebirth.

Yeah.

Finding the new, finding the new you. Can you go into that a little bit more? Like, what was your thinking? What was it like for you to actually come to that conclusion? You know, like, this is the life-death-rebirth cycle that I'm dealing with. How did you do it? How did it feel for you?

Luckily for me, it's who I am. I have had a butterfly as a companion my entire life. Um, it has always shown up at times of uncertainty. And so I think for me, that's— it's been a model, in some cases a teacher, to show me my own capacity to transform. And really, you know, when I went through this with The diagnosis, it was— I came to a point that I realized that I had to let go. I had to let go of my expectations, of dreams, of all of it. And I had to grieve because I was letting those pieces of me die away.

Mm-hmm.

And it was necessary and it was difficult. You know, and I was angry about it and I had to move through all of those things and honor those emotions. Even though, you know, the things like the fact that, you know, I, I worked myself hard and I would push myself hard, that was a good thing at one point. It's not just, you know, because all of a sudden I find myself here, that's bad. No, it was good. It just didn't serve me anymore. And I really was looking at that process of what do I need to bury? And let go of so that I can step into the future with a new perspective, understanding that I had all of these possibilities still. And I couldn't do that if I was going to hang on to what was. I really had to let go of that so that I can make room for what could be.

Hmm.

And It really is a process of— and we do this all the time. And that's why, you know, this cycle is not an unusual cycle. It's not even one that is specific for somebody with a chronic illness. We find ourselves at these spots in our lives that we can actually take advantage. Something, you know, huge happens to us. Maybe we lose a job. Maybe we lose a friendship. Maybe we lose a sibling or a parent. And in those moments, there's the capacity for us to go, okay, here I am. Is this who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world? And if it's not, how can I pivot and change? And when we do that, when we pivot and we change, we are shedding things of who we were so that we can show up in this new space in the way that we want. And that is a death and rebirth cycle. And there are so many times in our lives that we have the opportunity to move through that cycle.

Oh, Juanita, that is such an empowering, fabulous message for people to hear. And it actually gives people a lot of hope that you can let go of what was for what is about to become. And it's sometimes I think it's the fear of the unknown that keeps people stuck because they think what I might become is not what I want, or it may not be as good. It's not. It can be like a flower opening. It can be your brightest future. You don't know. And you are such an inspiration there, you know, of what has— what was and now what is flowering You know, what a shining light. That was such a beautiful message. I love that. Can you just give us a little bit, uh, tell us a little bit about what did you do specifically to help people who are listening to this and thinking, this is me, I need to let go and the pining for who I was, for who I am and who I'm becoming. What did you do to help you Get into that space, into that mindset?

I think the first thing is finding stability, finding safety. And that can mean different things for different people. And we have this idea of, well, you've got to do it the natural way, or you've got to do it this way. And no, you need to do it the way that's going to be best for you, that you feel safe and that you feel stable. Once you get into that spot that you feel safe and stable, those are the moments that you can start experimenting. I like to call what I do with people explorations because you put on that explorer hat. We think that when we go to the doctor, they have all the answers, but they're doing the same type of experimentation and exploration that you can do yourself, just without the drugs. You can use, you know, your medical practitioners if you need some sort of pharmaceutical. So that you can be stable. You can work with herbalists if you'd rather not go that route. There are so many different options and we get into these mindsets that it's A or it's B, but really it's A and B.

Mm-hmm.

And you're gonna take pieces of what work for you. The key is making sure that you're stable. The last thing you wanna do is in these moments, these flareups, Be trying all of these different things. And it's difficult at that time when you're not feeling well to have the capacity to make yourself something. Hey, I know when I'm sick, and I've been training as an herbalist for a few years now, when I'm really sick, I struggle. Like, if I don't have things pre-made, forget it. I'm gonna go with something off the shelf because I just need to be okay right And I think it's an important reminder that it's okay to do whatever you need to do to be okay right now. And when we're feeling okay, let's explore. Let's see. And having that exploration mindset in itself can be joyous. It can be exciting because we're trying new things. We're doing something new.

Mm-hmm.

And we're doing something creative for ourselves. And I think that's the biggest key. And little by little, we'll find those things that help us. It's like, I like to call it my toolbox. There are things that I'm going to pull out of my toolbox depending on what I'm going through that are going to be helpful for me. Sometimes the tried and true doesn't work. So I have lots of tools that I can pull out when things are difficult.

And I believe that you also— that's, that's a great message. And I believe that you also deal with clients, that you have people that come to you who would like more of a shamanic experience and work with herbs.

Mm-hmm.

Let's just touch a little bit on what— so people understand, what is a shaman? What is this shamanic experience?

So that is really working with the, let's call it, the other realms of existence. Um, I like to liken it to, we have our body, our physical body, but people know about auras. We have a body that sits outside of this body, um, that even if you look at it from a sciencey point of view, that it's, you know, our magnetic field, um, that holds, you know, a lot of energy. And when I work as a shaman, it's really as— and I call it more of a shamanic practitioner versus a shaman, but it's working with my team and understanding the different pieces that I may have lost during the trauma. So there's a lot of soul loss work that goes through that and helping people reconnect with those pieces of themselves.

Mm-hmm.

Whether it's, you know, a child piece, a teenage piece, you know, there's things that we've gone through in our lives and we, you know, parts of ourselves break off. And so it's really helping people connect to those pieces of themselves as they're ready to be able to move through what's going on in their life, connecting them with their own power animals so that, and teaching them how to journey so that they have the power themselves. To go through and work through with their team and understand the different things that are going on with them or around them. Sometimes it's not about what's going on inside, it's about what's going on and how we're exchanging our energy with other people, other environments. And then how can that spirit team, like, help us move through? And so some of the ways Like I've done some like soul retrievals and things like that with people. And what it's had is it's, you know, brought them closer to those pieces of themselves and they feel lighter. They feel like they have more energy because there's not this missing piece that's sucking out energy or perhaps got filled up with negative energy. And so you could also do like energetic extractions. Sometimes as we're moving through the world, if we have a whole bunch of empty pieces because we've lost so many pieces of ourselves, we pick up this energy and that energy doesn't always serve us. And so it's helping clear that out, making way to bring these pieces back home and understanding why did they leave. And then what do we need to do in our lives to make sure they don't leave again? And sometimes it's bringing more play into our lives. Sometimes it's bringing more rest. Sometimes it's learning to use our voice. And these things can get brought up because maybe you're going— you have a situation going on at work where you're not using your voice. And so that piece wants to come back because it wants to show you and teach you how to use your voice in ways that you did not do before.

That's an important message. That's a big one for many people. They find that their voice gets closed down and then they end up with thyroid or some other form of disease because they're not expressing themselves. Well, you've had really so many important messages here, you know. A, you know, you've, you've gone through, uh, a diagnosis, you've gone through trauma, You've accepted it, then you've, uh, your message of the life, death, rebirth is such an important one because that really is a cycle to understanding how you can move forward and get out of that stuckness. What I said, that stuckness. And being, well, having, using shamanic practice is also telling our Listeners how we're not just the emotional and the physical body. We also have to deal with the energies, our energetic realm, that, you know, there's 3— there's the energy, there's the physical, and there's the emotional. And we have to heal the whole 3 to be in balance and to be able to heal and move forward. What a fantastic story. What fantastic messages that you've shared with our listeners. So what is one piece of advice that you could share with everyone experiencing the same as you or similar to you? What's something that you can share with them that they can do or start doing to, A, feel safe? That was— I love that message. You must feel safe first. And then to start accepting And going through the same process like you did?

Yeah, finding the safe spaces is really key there. And it doesn't have to be— it can start off small, a safe corner in a room, um, that you have soft lighting, that you have like that tactile comfort, whether it's a soft pillow or a blanket, um, you know, just that little spot that's your own little cocoon. cocoon that you have the ability to retreat into is really important. And then it's about exploring. And it's, I think, important to remember that I'm not special. Like, everything that I have learned to do, other people can learn to do as well. And I think that's a really important message to remember. You know, a lot of times you, you hear these stories about people and they've, you know, they're helping other people. And that doesn't have to be your journey. But the getting the tools and learning the tools and having that experimental mindset to create, to play with it.

Hmm.

I think that really makes the process a little bit easier because it is a road. It's not like you do X, Y, or go to a weekend seminar and all of a sudden your life's going to be better. It's going to take a little while. And so when we can have fun with it, when we can retreat to a safe space when we're not having fun with it, that will make it easier to continue down that path because it is— every step does matter. And even when it feels like you're not making any traction, maybe that just means that you need to be in your cocoon. A little bit more and stay there a little bit longer until you do feel ready to peek your head out. And it's not an all-or-nothing game. It's we do what we can today and then we do what we can tomorrow.

Fantastic. Juanita, what an incredibly encouraging and inspiring story. I think there's so many of our listeners are going to feel encouraged by this, that, you know, there is possibility, there is uh, potential for recovery. There is the potential to let go and move forward. You've touched on so many elements here, and it's also about just honoring our body, honoring where we are, honor our body. Thank you so much for coming on the show. It has been a pleasure to listen to your story. And for our listeners and those people watching, if you feel call to contact Juanita to help. Let you know she can help you. She can help you with that whole process of, I'll say, death, rebirth, letting go. Um, all her show notes, all her details are in the show notes. Please reach out to her. Thank you, Juanita. It's been a pleasure.

Thank you for having me on.

I would love to know what was the biggest insight or aha moment you got from this interview so you can now speak up, take action, and make informed decisions for your health. And if you like this episode, get instant access to your free ebook, Alternative Wisdom: Taking Back control of your health at life-onus.com.