How to Release Emotional Pain and Rebuild Confidence

When people want to transcend limiting beliefs or release trauma, they come to Dr. Ray Doktor because he knows how to reignite and develop confidence, self-trust, and happiness for a more fulfilling life. He is a leader in transformational life coaching and mental health, specializing in trauma, and the author of his new book, All It Takes Is One. Welcome to Beyond Diagnosis, a podcast to raise your awareness, decisions, and voice for alternative practices so you can take back control of your health. I'm Rita De Michele, your host, a mindset and empowerment coach, and the founder of the Onus platform. Join me each week so you can create the health of your dreams. Hello, Dr. Ray. How are you? Yeah, it's such a pleasure to have you on the show.

Thank you.

Trauma. Trauma is a big one for everyone, isn't it? Because it can be an initial something that happens, or it can be long-lasting.

Or it could be where, um, a person is in an— I'll tell you one that most people are not aware of. And it could be where they— a person doesn't know why it is that he or she is depressed. They feel afraid, like, for no reason, and they can't figure out that, that there wasn't really anything significant, like actual— like when we think of trauma, we think of maybe a car accident, being sexually perpetrated. Those are common ones, or even collectively seeing Trump almost shot.

Yes.

That can really freak people out. And so they go into this own space of questioning their own mortality to their livelihood. And if they're playing us out on a daily basis and saying, I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe, they can experience similar effects of someone who actually was physically, say, harassed. Because the body doesn't discern time, space, or say, The physical reality. It's like where we can be in a virtual world, we can interpret information, but our brain will take that in as if we're— it's a serious threat. So, back to the story, what I'm sharing with someone coming to me and saying that, I don't know why I have this depression. They grew up in a home where their parents never argued, but their parents are worried. Their parents kept the conversations from the children. So, the kids never felt like there was this transparency or safety in just their environment. So, just even with that environment where they felt they were in the dark and they maybe felt scared inside, they never felt safe. And when we don't feel safe, we don't really live our lives. We hold back. And we don't experience the, you know, all the richness and Literally, the beauty of nature in our lives. And so, when I talk about trauma, I'm usually basing it around emotional trauma or the way that we negatively have interpreted information to where we're playing it out as— so, we're not living our life today. We're stuck in this loop of playing out what had happened in the past. to what's going to happen in the future.

Yeah, and it seems like it's such an unconscious process, isn't it? So what are the initial steps in recognizing and confronting this trauma?

Well, I wanted to state one thing as well, and it's that it's in my book, All It Takes Is One. And I did my— I wrote my dissertation in Trauma or post-traumatic stress disorder. And in that, I, I talked about how when a person is, say, victimized— and when I say victimized, I'm talking about the, the, the big— when that act happens, you know, like they are either beat up, uh, they get in a car accident— that the moment that happens, that's not where the trauma sets in. Oh, that's interesting. It's how it's integrated. If it's not integrated, it turns into confusion. When it turns into confusion, a person cannot make sense out of his or her life anymore. It just kind of plays that out. You and I and many people listening to this can agree that I have had some challenges in my life and I did not know how I was going to move through it, but we did. And sometimes those things for other people seems even more frightening for them. But for us, we had people to talk to. Maybe we had a better support team. We had just the tools to integrate it and we moved forward.

Mm-hmm.

What I've noticed with most people who carry emotional trauma is that It's how they interpreted the experience. It's how they made sense of it, and it's how they continue to play it out. Now, some people might say, this is unconscious. I smell something, I'm triggered. I see something on TV, I'm triggered. I can't control this. However, if you also ask these people, when you— when this first happened, did this continue? Is this what happened right away? More often, the people— the person will say, I was discombobulated. I was confused. Meaning they're opened up. They were not making sense of any of it. They were in shock. Their blood pressure was off the charts. They just— they were in basic survival of like, I survived, or, I got through it. And then as the days go on, they're still opened up, depending on what they said to themselves. Depending on how they felt about themselves. Like, for example, just say if it's a woman who was raped. When it happens and she survives, what would you imagine could happen if she goes to the police and they say, well, look how you dress? Shame her. She tries to talk to her parents. They feel so much hurt, they don't have a conversation with her. She starts saying, It was my fault. I'm a dirty person. To where she pulls back from people, to where she no longer engages in like being intimate with people. So now she's been away from being with another person for 2 years. That's going to do something to your mind.

Yeah.

So what ends up happening with people, I'm not saying all, is that it's how, what, what, what, how, what happened after that, say, traumatic event. And if it wasn't done in a healthy way, that's what you see continue to be played out.

Wow. So does that—

you know, when—

if we can go back, when a traumatic event happens, or say you're in a family and it's quite a— if you're in an abusive family or your parents yelled a lot or whatever, What happens when 2 siblings interpret the situation completely different? So they're both experiencing trauma, but one interprets it this way and one interprets it the other. Is that from some beliefs that they have already, and that's how they interpret it?

Well, um, we all become different people, you know, even in the same household and we interpret the experience differently because of the other sibling being there. I mean, them being in that space creates a different dynamic no matter what. So oftentimes people say, well, there was 4 of us, 4 siblings in a family, and all of us experienced something differently, or we talk about mom and dad differently because sister was there, brother was there. We're influenced by them. 2, other things happen where it impacts our consciousness. It's going to shift our awareness of how we might experience them. So as an example is that— I'm making this up— I had asthma when I was younger. I seemed to get a lot more attention from my parents. So just imagine if my brother were to say— I'm making this up— for some reason, my parents weren't that— were not that present in my life. I just allowed. But it was more that he didn't recognize that they were spending a lot of time taking me to the doctors, or I had more demands. Do you understand?

Yes.

Just saying, he wasn't aware of that. So he might have a different experience by just the fact that I'm being treated differently because of my health. Okay, so we have to remember that. And this— there's a, there's a story about, um, These twins who had an alcoholic father, and one of the brothers, the twin of the twins, became a drunk. He ended up becoming very much like his father and homeless. And he was asked, you know, why is it that you became an alcoholic? And his response was, well, what do you expect? My father was an alcoholic. Now, the other brother, he became a lawyer and very successful. And he was asked, like, what was the culprit or what helped you, like, get through school and just be an achiever? He responds, well, I didn't want to be like my father. He was an alcoholic. So again, we— it's what we do with it.

That's right.

You know, it's what, what we do with that. And so we, many of us have, we have different friends that we hang out with, so it's going to shape our consciousness. Um, you know, like, I grew up in a household where, um, I definitely have a different, different interpretation of my parents than my brother does. So, but it was because, you know, he, you You know, we are just— we influence the environment differently.

So that would come down to, I guess, our personality and the identity that we have as to how we interpret. Like, some— someone might be like a, a more— I don't know how to describe this— maybe a softer personality. Someone might be a bit more of a go-getter. It does that— that would influence the— then the way we interpret these situations.

I wouldn't say necessary. So if it's a go-getter, that person, whether it's a male or female, might move more into action or masculinity. They're, they're not going to go into the dark feminine and feel sorry for themselves and be like a victim.

Mm-hmm.

If a— say that one sibling in there is, say, more physically attractive to— she or he has a way of getting their needs met by playing into victimhood. Then that might just be how they move forward. Like, they, they make life work for them. Whereas you have another sibling in there who, where they, they're book smart to where they had to work a little bit harder to become, you know, better in life.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I'm unsure about that, but all of us, it's, it's about expanding our awareness to how we experience And see life. As an example, I don't want to share too much information here, but my girlfriend is a coach and I visited her brother in Austin, Texas 2 weeks ago. And her and I noticed him talking about some things that had happened in her childhood from a kind of more negative lens, like he was more hypervigilant with the kids, say, being by themselves. Because of what had happened. But my girlfriend Nicole, she had done inner work. She's done a lot of reflecting. So she said, oh my God, until she's— I didn't realize that going home this time. I realized that I can hear my old programming through my brother.

Oh.

But her brother is just kind of more like, he's a great guy. I love the guy, but he's not really into maybe, uh, doing the inner work therapy or coaching.

Mm.

I hope he doesn't watch this interview, by the way. But anyway, but it's just, that would be an example I see where, okay, she actually maybe had the attraction to connect to her, her true self or her purpose. She, she went on an ayahuasca journey and started like seeing more of who she really is. Who knows? Everyone has that path. But until we do that, And we've had, had trauma, and in this moment we're stressed out in our nervous system, we will believe that these emotions are who we are. Number 2, we'll think that our beliefs are real because we're not able to step back for a moment and perceive ourselves as the feeler. Do you hear that again? So right now I'm talking to you, but watch this, there's gonna be a little pause. I'm talking to you. But as I'm talking to you, I'm having a moment of pause. I'm kind of observing myself to make sure that I'm relaxed and I'm breathing. I'm not rushing this. Well, I have enough conscious awareness to be aware of me when I'm actually talking because my nervous system is relaxed. A person who is in, say, trauma response or always in their emotions, they're just in that. They're in reaction. They're in the reptilian part of their brain. They are— that's it. So, we want to be able to step back from that to observe ourselves a little bit better. And that can happen by taking a hike, meditating, seeing a coach, walking your dog and losing yourself. I mean, getting out of the stress nervous system is not that difficult. If a person isn't so controlling of their environment and they feel safe enough to just breathe.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Just to be. Yeah. To help the listeners and the viewers understand, like you mentioned right in the beginning, if I could circle back right to the beginning when you said someone could be depressed and they don't realize that it's true. trauma, what are just some of the more common emotional and physical symptoms that people display in your experience? So our listeners can say, you know what, I've got that. I think it's related to this. Because without the awareness that you actually are doing this or have this, it's hard to move forward.

I'm going to give you 2 extreme cases, and then I'll share one with What you might be talking about. So when I was on a boat cruise with my father, there was a moment he looked at me, his face turned red. We were with some Vietnamese women, meaning they were at the table which we were eating, and he said, son, I gotta go. And when I went back to the cabin, he said, son, when they started talking and I heard their voices, I just saw blood. He served 3 tours in Vietnam.

Oh, wow.

And he was in World War II and also the Korean War. He, he'd been in over 400 battles. It was the first time he was experiencing full-blown PTSD.

Geez.

So, but he was conscious enough to know that they were, they were safe, but he didn't feel safe to be around them. He was experiencing something. Um, my cousin Eddie was in, uh, the Vietnam War as well. And a person had taken his wallet, like to just knock it out of his back pocket. He tackled the guy and just started beating the shit out of him like it was an enemy. Like they, they gave him— he worked for the VA, so they're way more forgiving there.

Mm.

But he had other experiences where he almost attacked people because his PTSD as well. So anytime like you know, he would hear noise or something like that when he was sleeping, he would maybe jump up. You know, thank God he'd have a gun near him.

Yes.

But that would be an extreme case that you'll see that. Now, as far as what you might be talking about, or what I'm assuming your viewers might and listeners might be interested in, it could be like this. It's where a person, uh, is about to lose her job, or they lost her job, their boyfriend's about to break up with them, and like the boyfriend pays all the rent or half of it. And this person who's this adult who's experienced this now might feel a panic, even like, like where she feels completely out of control of her life. It might bring her back to memory where mom and dad were always moving from one house, one location to another, where there was no consistency in her life. And so sometimes when there's a lot of change for people, you know, you'll see them get anxious. Um, you'll start seeing them maybe get worried and overworking to where they're very distracted. That would be an example. Um, it could be a woman who was abused in a relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Whether it was physically or lied to or manipulated by a narcissist. And then so she's very hypervigilant when it comes to dating, uh, new partners. She starts becoming close to a man and he says to her, I'm really starting to fall in love with you. And instead of being excited, she panics. She gaslights him. She doesn't speak to him for about 3 days. You know, she's freaked out because she's being triggered in what's coming up. It might be that she's worried, you know, she's thinking, this can— the same thing that happened to me with the guy I just left can happen now. By just hearing the word I love you might be connected to I'm now going to control you, or I'm going to lose myself, or I cannot trust my decisions. When I'm in a deep relationship. So emotional, um, I guess you say turmoil or whatever you want to call it, can come up in just simple conversations.

Yes.

And we don't understand where is that coming from. And if we're with a partner and they're like, say, doing everything right and they're not— basically it's just a lot's coming at them. It confuses him or her also.

Absolutely. And you can see how, like you talked about depression before, you can see how anger and, you know, anxiety and overworry and all of those sort of emotions can be all connected to this, you know. So people don't understand why they're feeling like that.

Well, people are depressed. Okay, here's— this is very— this is oversimplified. It's a generalization. Typically, people who have anxiety fear the future and people who have depression will not let go of something in the past.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People definitely— it is that thing about anxiety, isn't it? We always think that something new has to be feared. It's like we naturally go to, it has to be something wrong or something wrong is going to happen. Like keep safe with what we know. So you actually talk a lot about integrating the shadows, you know, the— that journey to healing trauma. What do you mean by integrating shadows?

So I'll give you an example of the woman who, uh, is getting close to a man that she really likes, and all her friends like him too. I'll throw that in there. And if she were to see a traditional therapist, he or she would— the therapist would say, oh, it's because your father cheated on your mother and the 2 guys you dated were narcissists. Of course, you— this is why you're afraid. But does that heal anything? Does that make anything better? It's just basically saying, this is why you're still messed up. Or this is why you could be still afraid. Okay, so it's still on a surface. To go a little bit deeper, it would be, uh, what is it that you fear of dating this new guy? It would be, he can hurt me, uh, I can lose myself, uh, to I'm— I don't trust maybe my decisions. Okay, look at all that. Now the shadow work would be this: What do you need to know to trust yourself?

Mm.

What do you need to know about yourself that you can be in this relationship but also step out? What do you need to take responsibility for within yourself to know that if it's not working, you can walk away? That person might go, oh, I'm also a people pleaser. So when I get into relationships, I don't create boundaries, and that's why I lose myself. Okay, why don't you create boundaries? I'm afraid he won't like me or love me. Okay, so back to the person shadow work. What do you need to love about yourself that you're not? What, what parts of yourself that you don't think are lovable? And so you just keep turning back to their own thoughts about themselves, because what it is is that Whether we're afraid to enter a new relationship with a man or a woman, whether we're afraid to enter a new career path, whether we're looking to— you and I spoke about this earlier before we started this recording— moving to a new location. There's a certain level all humans need to have of some certainty.

Yes.

Trust within themselves that even if things don't work out, that They're going to survive still and maybe and hopefully thrive, that they will still have connections to friends to be there for them, which I feel with social media, that's a positive thing. Because, you know, I mean, imagine during like the mandates, if we didn't have Facebook and that connection, we would have felt even more isolated. So it's kind of like, that's the same things that we would want. And so when a person recognizes that, oh, I had been traumatized. I had been raped. I had been beaten up. I had been bullied. In all of those situations, there was negative thoughts. What if it was me? Maybe I caused it. To maybe there's something wrong with me. To I'm afraid to get hurt again. I had been betrayed. Betrayed. This has happened many times. That in that, just think about if whoever's listening to this or watching this is that you're making your sense of self or your next life moves based off of other people and things that had happened.

Mm.

You're holding yourself separate based off the past and fear of tomorrow. So, What do I need to do to prepare myself for life? Because sure, there's maybe some assholes out there. Sure, things can happen. But if I'm talking from my heart, if I'm being authentic, if I have a good support team, if I have a good— like maybe some deal-breakers for myself and I start putting myself out there and I start practicing this, You will see that your friends will change, people around you will change, life will seem to change. Because most people who say also have been victimized or they carry a lot of emotional trauma, you have consciously and unconsciously attracted people who also enable you. You've created a support team that meets you right where you are because you might be defensive. You also have things in place so you don't have to travel to push through conflict.

That's an interesting one.

Yeah.

Push through conflict.

Yes.

Yeah. But you can see how when someone goes through traumatic experiences, that trust would be one of the biggest things for them, you know. And I'm really interested in how How do you help people trust again? And what are the roles of these hidden beliefs in the process of healing this? How does integrating trauma lead to that personal development and that development of trust again in life?

Well, so first off, most people will say, I am this way. I feel this. Because of this thing that happened or a bunch of things that happened. Okay, there's that.

Mm. Okay?

There's a story. Number 2, there are raw emotions. Whether you created this experience, whether your filters created the interpretation in a negative way, it doesn't matter. It's a real experience for yourself. There's real emotions that are moving through you that should be honored and not Pushed aside.

Yeah.

So, for example, so just say that I was bullied, I'm afraid of people, and also I harbor a lot of anger towards that fucking asshole who, you know, was treating me like shit. Real true feelings. Here's the emotions. I feel like a piece of crap. I feel sadness. I feel anger. I didn't do anything. Raw feelings. Okay. Over here is usually the negative response or action. I'm not going to put myself out there. I'm not going to give any effort to create new friendships. And I, I still feel awkward in social situations. Well, now watch how I did this. Here is the initial trauma. Here is the raw emotions. And here is typically the negative response to what had happened in the past.

Yes.

So, then if I were to wave a magic wand and make, like, say, these fears go away of why I'd put myself out there, how would life look? I would go out there confidently. I would feel really good. I would feel really happy. I would appear to To be more calm from my own body. I wouldn't really care what people think about me. But most people will say, but I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of this. This, I'm afraid of this. I can't do this. You'll notice has nothing to do with the trauma over here. Has nothing to do with what happened in the past. It's in this now moment that you're hearing what you're afraid of that's holding you back from living your life. This is the hidden beliefs. These are the shadows. Sure, initially it was influenced by the trauma. Sure, you had emotions tied into that. However, you had a, you created a negative template of how you're gonna live your life. And you've used that, you know, like I said, many of us now live in our own comfort zone because of that. And we know we're not, we have one foot in and one foot out of life. So what would it be like to push past that and live our life anyway? And most people have an idea of like they— what a better life would be for them, but they'll also have their fears. Focus on those fears. Who do I need to become? What do I need to let go to let go of those fears? And oftentimes you'll hear the truths come up, hidden beliefs such as, I don't want to forgive him, then he's just off the hook. And I feel like, like Like, here I experienced all this trauma and then he didn't get arrested, to it means I have to get a job and actually get my shit together. Oh, I have to go to the gym. I have to actually start working on looking and feeling better. Like, some of those things could come up, particularly if you've played it small most of your life due to what had happened.

Yeah.

You're going to have to reinvent yourself. And so that could be very scary for some people.

Absolutely. Especially because it's— as we know, it's a lot easier to blame than it is to actually take action and do something. Yes. And I think one of the things that could possibly stop people, and correct me if I'm wrong here, is in the part where we're expressing our emotions, where we try to express our emotions, and when You said like when we're unhealed, when we haven't dealt with those limiting beliefs, as the shadows as you call them, you know, we usually have defensiveness. Um, we're really sensitive to feedback. We have negative self-judgment towards ourselves. So when you're in that loop of that kind of language, when you try to express yourself to others, that can keep you stuck as well, I assume. Mm-hmm.

Yes, because you're hardwiring your brain. Literally, you're making neurological connections that will continue to activate in a negative way every time you enter a new social situation, or when you are put on a spot to be a public speaker, or, um, when there's tension in a relationship. And it's not like your girlfriend or boyfriend wants to break up with you, but it could be just the experience of Having that talk. Oh my God, that talk.

Yes, yes. And it's the— and it's your ability to receive feedback, how you receive feedback.

The number one part of it. I mean, I'll tell you right now, the biggest challenge for most people, and I would say all— yeah, I would say even the older generation as well, is feedback. Feedback. Feedback is golden. How are you to know if you're improving? For example, if I saw a physical therapist today, 2 hours before this, and I have some restriction, could you imagine me look at him like, don't tell me I have restriction. You have no idea how hard I worked. At least I'm walking. It's like he would be thinking like, dude, Why did you hire me? I'm just showing you what your physical body is doing and it's probably because you didn't see a physical therapist when you broke your leg when you're 14. You're right. Not a big deal. He's not saying I'm a loser. So the next time I go in there, I'll have more flexibility. The feedback will be, this is good, but you need to work on this because this is still not firing. That's amazing.

Yeah.

But shouldn't that be true even in business? Like for example, if— If I were to create some event and for whatever reason there was a low show, would I see that as a failure or also feedback? Maybe I didn't create the best copy. The people not showing up is a feedback to me that maybe it's not the right product or service.

Mm-hmm.

That's the feedback. So, a lot of times people just see things black or white. It's a very dualistic type of perspective, but feedback allows you to see the experience of what you want to improve or not experience again through the lens of contrast. I prefer this. I don't prefer this other thing. I want this. I don't want that anymore. Plain and simple. This is getting better. Great. I could do this to make it better. We need that.

We do. Personally, I feel that if you haven't done the work to integrate and to do the personal development and work on our emotions, and we have sort of— we're set in that negative self-judgment, well, feedback will always be interpreted as criticism.

Mm-hmm.

So, you know, or— and then you can also become highly critical, I feel. So what could What do you help your clients, um, how do you help them develop a more supportive language towards self? And when they want to express to somebody else what they're going through, what kind of words do you help them with, or the language?

Well, when I work with clients, first off, I do a full assessment of their childhood, to patterns they see in relationships, to, of course, like what the end mind or what it would look like if they were to have the life they want to live. First, we do that. More importantly, it is to look at the negative unconscious programming, such as they might have this belief that You always have to work hard and things don't work out. Well, if they're coming to me and they're asking, I don't— you know, I feel like a failure and whatever endeavor I get into, it fails. There is a mechanism that where they're creating the self-sabotage. So for me, it's more important to first look at the limited beliefs, the self-sabotaging behaviors, and remove those. Then the second step becomes clear of Where now that's out of the way. Now that you know what it is that you want, what do you need to do to put that into action? You might be thinking, what is that? What is the— I want to answer this correctly, but would you like to— so when I work with clients, as you know, it's a— it's on a deeper level. Their eyes might be closed, so they're going through a process. So sometimes it's hard to articulate. The experience. But I'll give you like an example that had happened. So I was working with a woman who was a yoga teacher, and she, for whatever reason, her knee was hurt. She couldn't figure it out. She was going to different doctors and they just couldn't figure it out, and she couldn't Do different poses. And she was in fear because this is how she made money. And she saw me and we went— I used some hypnosis and she kind of went into this past life thing where she saw herself as this, um, hunter who had been attacked by a tiger and her— his leg was amputated.

Wow.

And in that experience, and it wasn't a long session, it was about 30 to 45 minutes, she started talking as if she were this past life hunter. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. She said, I was sad. Like, I had my family was still alive and I had this love around me, but because I couldn't hunt, I didn't feel like a man. I didn't— my sense of self, my sense of worthiness was gone. And so she, she has this aha moment of like, oh my God, I'm feeling that right now. If I can't teach yoga, then who am I? You know, then I went to the questions in real time. Well, then why do you exist? What is your purpose? Who are you then? And that came from her, such as, I'm a spiritual human being. I'm here to learn. I'm here to expand my consciousness and love. I'm here to be in service and however way I'm gonna show up. And I asked, and if you were to lose your leg, if you were to not be able to teach yoga, what would you do anyway? I would become a therapist. I would still do this work because it's who I am.

Mm-hmm.

And so there's this kind of aha moment of like, oh, the hidden belief was that my sense of self was through making money. My sense of self was by making money a specific way. My sense of self was getting respect by the community. My sense of self was being like an influencer or whatever else. And when we lose these false identities and we recognize, why are you doing this? And does it make you happy? The conversation changes.

Absolutely. That's really powerful. That's really powerful. And that is the, the beauty of belief change.

Yeah.

And it's not something to fear. Belief change is the most empowering thing people can do in life, especially when they're feeling stuck or they're traumatized. So what does life look like for your clients after they've successfully integrated and healed from trauma?

Just like every human being out there who maybe successfully has attracted a partner to marry, like people like get married, they feel comfortable to be in a relationship, they start having better sex, um, their business takes off, uh, they become entrepreneurs, they no longer are slaves to a job they, they dislike, things like that. Yeah, I wrote about some of this in my book about people who had gotten stuck, and these were, I would say, high-functioning adults. You know, like, people, people don't realize that you don't have to have severe trauma to keep self-sabotaging.

Oh, absolutely. You just have to look at the diet industry to see why is the diet industry so successful. You know, why do they make so much money? Because you don't necessarily have to go to some huge trauma to understand, you know, or to, um, realize that you're always putting that food in your mouth. You're sabotaging yourself in different ways, and it doesn't have to come from something huge. It can be just what someone said to you.

Yeah, and sometimes just taking a pattern disruption can open up a lot for a person also. Like, I— so here's the thing, when it comes to like pop psychology or I see a lot in social media, people talk now as experts about like why they have trauma or like sometimes they make it a lot harder than it really needs to be. Clients who say are emotional eaters or they just want to lose a little bit of weight, they— I'll have them put a Post-it up on their refrigerator that says, what I'm looking for is not in here.

I love that. Yeah, because it's a—

it's, it's, it's comical. Because if you go get whatever you need anyway, you're going to think about it. And I'm not— I don't want you to feel guilty, but you're going to have the awareness that, oh, you're going to have that moment like, oh, I'm not really hungry. What is that? Can I sit with that? Okay, um, I'm not happy with so-and-so and I haven't said something to him. To, oh, like, I'm bored. I'm doing the same thing in my life and, like, I'm not feeling nourished. I'm not feeling enough excitement.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, most people look outward when they're feeling those emotions. They look outward and they reach for something outward instead of going, like you just said, going in. And being curious. Ask yourself those questions. You know, what am I feeling? Why am I grabbing? Why am I going for the fridge door? You know, why am I going for that bottle of wine or whatever it is to numb myself?

When I became an instant father, and I did, meaning that my son showed up when he was 5 and a half months old. Like, I wasn't there during the pregnancy. I didn't know. It's a— someday that might be a book because it's actually really fascinating. But I had high blood pressure, like it was really high. And, um, uh, I was doing all the right things. Usually I can meditate and it would lower, but it wasn't. So I started, I started smoking pot like more than I would in high school. Like it was just like, okay. And it would drop, but then it dropped. And then I found myself smoking pot, watching funny movies to where I I've discovered that I was bored, like, meaning that my son was sleeping. I still wanted to go out. I was by myself and I was starting to smoke pot out of boredom because it made food taste better. It made movies seem funnier. It, I don't know, I got, it was just my way to kind of maybe take care of myself then. But then I went, I stepped back from a moment. I'm like, I didn't even smoke this much pot in high school. What the heck am I doing?

Yeah.

And then it was like, oh, I'm bored. So, you know, then I changed up my life a little bit.

Um, what I'd really like is a— before we finish up, can you just give us an overview of your book? You know, I have it here. It— the title is All It Takes Is One, and you say all it takes is one will change us to— all it takes is one will change us to trust and dig deeper to Improve our relationship with ourselves also. So that's really— I love that, that relationship with ourselves, because that's where it starts. We can't expect to have a relationship with someone else and they give us everything we need, or what we haven't got or developed within ourselves, we're looking for someone else to give us. So can you give us an overview of your book, what it's about?

So the book is called All It Takes Is One: Drop Your One Big Hidden Belief and Master Your Life. And the book first starts off with a more complicated case, and then it talks about the hidden beliefs, and then it gives you exercises by the questions I ask for you to also to come up with some of those beliefs you might have. And for example, there's even the— I would say the more difficult A lot of clients get stuck because there's secondary gains to stay in that position. For example, it could be where a person continues to stay— or here's a— it's actually in a book where I had a mechanic who was losing money, but the mechanic shop was in his family business for 85 years and he did not want to be Like the generation that failed. So, I worked with him. He moved past it. But the underlying hidden belief was, my whole family is going to look down on me. My kids are going to look at me like I failed. And even though his son was saying, I don't want to become a mechanic, Dad, like his— he couldn't even pass it on to his son. It was done. He was third. His son would have been fourth. But it was just like he was afraid to look like a failure. And once he recognized that, And reframed that, he was able— he sold the shop. He was able to retire and live his life. And that's in there also. But it talks about secondary beliefs of why we stay stuck. And it breaks— it's a really simple read to where every chapter has some exercise for you to unpeel all of those. So, that's why it says like, All it takes is one. Drop your one big hidden belief. You will find that in a book and what that is. And the book allows you to kind of go through it again if something else comes up. And I primarily wrote this book for new clients and just people like yourself, Rita, where you would love to know a little bit more, like how to work on yourself, break through this stuff in a simpler way because— Healing, healing trauma doesn't necessarily have to take a long time. I know this can trigger some people out there, like, I've been doing this for 6 months. What are you talking about? I've been working with a psychologist for 2, 3 years, or this person has been in the business for 20, 30 years. Well, we're all seeing new technology assist us, and we're all seeing like new ways of doing things.

Mm.

In my book, it has that.

Yeah, fantastic. Can you leave our listeners and our viewers with one tip that you can give them that they can work on at home today to take action in, uh, healing, in starting to recognize their pattern? Like, like we were talking before, someone who will go to the fridge but they're not recognizing that that's actually trying to feel something. What's one thing that they can At home.

So since this is based around trauma, if anyone is listening to this, this is an assumption, but I think it's true that there's some part of you that's aware of that you could be better. So that means in this very now moment, there's a conscious better part of yourself, and there's like the part you've been playing out, the hurt part, okay? So what I would love for you to do is, in a way, my hands are up in the air. Imagine if they were to have a conversation with each other. Here's a hurt person, and don't be ashamed, be totally raw. The person who's hurt, when he or she has those thoughts, who does she become? When he or she feels this way, who does she become? When She or he believes these things, who does she become? So there's that. Write it down. Now here's the healed part of you. Here's the part of you that's listening to the session right now. How do you feel about the hurt version of yourself anyway? How can you love the hurt version of yourself anyway? How can you support the hurt, hurt version of yourself anyway? How can you hold the hand? of the hurt version of yourself anyway and move forward with your life today, even if it's just a little bit. Even if it's like going and taking a bubble bath and going, you know what, just for 5 minutes, I can trust that I love myself and things are gonna be okay. It's just rather than thinking so far out there, Mm. just keep it simple. How can I say something really sweet to myself? Can I take a bubble bath? Can I take more time with a hot tea and feel the warmth and appreciate that and put it next to my heart. Just start with little baby steps. But again, first start off that exercise. Here's a version of me that has a trauma, and here's a version of me that doesn't have a trauma. Just by doing that little exercise, it's going to balance out the left and right hemisphere of your brain to actually calm your nervous system a little bit. It's going to see your situation objectively. And hopefully with that, you can kind of see, oh, I can see what he's talking about. There's a version I've been playing out and there's just a version I want to crystallize. I want it to become the new me. And when you start practicing a new me, then the old you doesn't— the old person, it doesn't exist. You've asked me what happens to people who've been through my program. Many of them are coaches now.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, they're healing other people. They're not healing, but they're working with other people. So they've become different people completely.

Yes, they've left the old behind and the new is moving forward.

Yeah, yeah.

That's, that's the whole key to this process, isn't it? Just—

Well, you've seen this before. Some people will have a traumatic thing happen, like dad dies, who, who's an alcoholic they hated, or They lose a job that they were at for 20 years, and then the next 4 years they become depressed, they gain weight, and like they become a completely different person by this event. All of us won't say— most of us will agree that it wasn't trauma, right?

Mm-hmm.

It was the way they interpreted being let go because they're 55 now, or it's the way they interpreted that their dad passed away, is the way they interpreted The change in our life. Hear how— see where I'm coming from?

Absolutely.

So we've seen people, we don't think they were traumatized. We just know they went through a hard situation and they never got out of it.

Yes.

Right? But then there's some people who step up. They uplevel themselves. So trauma or whatever had happened to us It's not inherent or it doesn't always have to scar you for life.

Oh, I love that. I love that.

Yeah. It doesn't have to scar you.

It doesn't have to be your legacy. You don't need— you don't have to wear it. It's almost like sometimes I feel it's like being worn, and I don't mean this disrespectfully at all, a bit like a badge. You know, some people really own their trauma, and it's very hard when you start identifying with this trauma as your own and to let it go. Because you let something go, something has to replace it. And I think that's where your fabulous, you know, life coaching, helping people change their beliefs, move from stuck to a more Exhilarating life is just fantastic work. And I really, really do hope that anyone who's listening, the audience, please contact Dr. Ray, Doctor, if you're feeling stuck. It doesn't have to be— you don't have to have had some huge traumatic, like you said, traumatic event. It could be you've just developed some limiting beliefs due to childhood or an event, or maybe You know, some trauma. Dr. Ray, it's been such a pleasure having you on the show.

Thank you very much.

And for everyone, all of Dr. Ray Doctor's details will be in the show notes, including a link for you to be able to order his book. And do so, it's a great read. Thank you so much for coming on. I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. I would love to know What was the biggest insight or aha moment you got from this interview so you can now speak up, take action, and make informed decisions for your health? And if you like this episode, get instant access to your free ebook, Alternative Wisdom: Taking Back Control of Your Health, at life-onus.com.