Just Got Diagnosed? What No One Tells You About the Emotional Rollercoaster

You get to choose if you want to be angry in your relationships and in your job and with your family. I don't really care if your mother and father and grandfather were all angry. You still get to choose.

Jen Ashall, welcome to Beyond Diagnosis.

Thank you, Rita. It is so good to be back.

So, you know, you're always sharing great, great information around, you know, lifestyle, you know, fit lifestyle and emotional fitness and everything. And today, we're gonna be diving into things like emotional resilience, more resilience, sorry, emotional regulation, and also a phrase that you've coined, how to move ourselves from rage to sage. I love that. How can people identify, easily identify, the difference between what's considered healthy expression and an outburst? Because there is a real difference, and I think if someone really can understand the difference and then regulate themselves, it will help their health and their mental health as well.

Negative emotion, which we can, you know, turn— coin that as an emotional expression or an emotional outburst. Negative emotion is— it's information. And it is valuable because it alerts us. It interrupts the status quo. And so a really good example that works both with pain and with this mental fitness work is if you put your hand on a hot stove, you feel the pain. And that is valuable information. So you take your hand off the hot stove. You got the information. The action was removing your hand. The same is true when we experience negative emotion. The problem is that too many times we end up keeping our hand on the hot stove. Now we know from a perspective of pain, we would never keep our hand there. But when we stay angry, resentful, shaming people, that is like keeping our emotional hand on the hot stove. So we want to embrace the power of the negative emotion as information. And what do we do from there?

It's like that other saying, you know, when you have so much resentment, it's like you're drinking the poison hoping someone else will die.

So I was in a challenging marriage for decades, and I was going through counseling to, you know, like get through it. And there were some lingering things. And finally, counselor, she goes, You know, you're just abusing yourself and doing his job.

I bet that was a massive light globe moment for you.

Uh, it was, and it really ties into what you're saying, right? Because we, we always have the choice.

Yes.

Of what to do when we feel that emotion.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, free will is a great thing, but it's actually accessing that free will and understanding that we have a— and we have a choice to change. The change may not be easy that needs to come, but understanding that we have that choice, it's like if we can actually tie this to, you know, we were talking before in which direction to go here, you know, but it sort of ties in with like my audience who have long-term or chronic illness or conditions. And we also tap into the mental health area, and I can see how this would fall into both categories. Like you've just been given a diagnosis and you go into the— the healthy expression would be sadness, uh, maybe a little bit of, you know, you'd have a bit of anger or upset and you express it, compared to a complete outrageous outburst. Why me? Why does this happen to me? You know, and be really super angry and maybe be really defensive against the practitioner. And the same with mental health. You know, it's how we manage it. So can you tap into, like, a little bit when someone does get a diagnosis or they do have a mental health condition and the difference between these expressions?

At its basic level, it's what do you do with that emotion? If you feel anger that you've received a diagnosis of, um, heart disease or lupus or whatever it is, That's okay. If you take that anger and start throwing things at your house and/or throwing things at other people or abusing people, this is not an appropriate expression of that anger. And we also want to recognize the anger and then interrupt it, because it's when we are aware and interrupt it. Because then we can choose a different path. Because our emotions, if we are stuck in those negative patterns, whether it's blaming or guilt or shame, it's going to impact how you handle the chronic illness or how you navigate finding the right practitioners or choosing the right strategies. It's not that any emotion is good or bad. They have value. It's what do you do with it? And I've told my kids before, I'm like, you can be as mad as you want at me. You cannot slam doors. You cannot throw things, etc. And so again, it's the emotion's okay. But we also need to take our hand off the hot stove. Get your hand off the hot stove. And then what am I going to do? Maybe if you've just received a really hard new diagnosis, You're going to sit with your spouse and cry and be sad, and, and that is okay. Maybe you're going to start searching for the best clinicians in your area to help this. It's all of that's okay. But choosing a path forward rather than— I'm going to keep going back to this— keeping your hand on that hot stove, whether it's anger or blame at the provider, or Blaming the cancer, whatever it is, that's when it becomes detrimental to your physical and mental health.

You can see where that would be so toxic to remain there and the impact that would have on one's nervous system. So that's where that regulation comes in. I mean, if you've got a heightened stress nervous system because you're in what you were saying, the blame game, the anger, the, you know, why me, you know, everything bad happens to me. It's then really— would you say it's really hard then to regulate those emotions if you continuously have a wired nervous system?

Yeah, that's the science behind mental fitness. And so mental fitness or positive intelligence, it's a combination of performance science, neuroscience, cognitive behavioral therapy, and positive psychology. And broadly, for simplicity, Negative emotions are housed in the left side of our brain, our survival brain, and positive emotions are housed in the right side of our brain, our thriving brain. And so the more we use these patterns of negativity and outbursts and whatever it might be, those become very well worn. And it takes time and intention and lots and lots of practice. But we know through the joy of neuroplasticity that we can create new patterns. It's no different than, you know, if somebody walks across your grass, no big deal. They walk across your grass hundreds and hundreds of times, they're going to create a new path. We are trying to create new paths on the positive side of our brain so that we can weaken and quiet the ones on the left.

So what would you say, Jen, to people that have an attitude, oh, you know, expressing anger is— because you do hear it a lot, actually— expressing anger is healthy, you know, what's the big deal?

I would get curious about how are you expressing your anger? Because if you are expressing your anger at the expense of someone else or something, this is no longer appropriate, nor is it serving you. There's also another concept that we talk about is accept or convert. And so if you are angry about, say, a broken glass and you choose to accept that, you can't fix the glass, but you choose to accept it. What we actually want you to do Is say those words, I accept the broken glass, while tensing your body as much as you can so you can get it in the physical and the emotional part of your body, because then you're going to be able to move through. If you stay in that state of anger, and maybe you don't clean up the glass, and then your kid walks through the kitchen an hour later and hurts themselves, or you get angry and you start throwing more things. Anger, yes, all negative emotions, they are information. They have their place. We are meant to use them as information and not live there.

That is so true. It is that acceptance. And I've never heard about— which I'm going to try as well next time something happens— is the think about it and clench your body to feel it at the same time that you accept that this has happened. So you're feeling that it's happened As opposed to just intellectualizing that it's happened. Because, yes, yeah, because you've got to get into your body. Like, I mean, I have a habit of sometimes staying in my head, but if you go down into your body and you feel it and you accept it, then you can move on easier, right?

And so that is— that's part of the mental fitness framework, is this accept or convert. And sometimes we accept for now. Right? So for right now, I'm going to accept the situation. I'm not accepting it forever, but for right now, I'm accepting that I lost my job. I can't actually do anything about losing my job. And then that puts you in a place where you can start to move forward in what it is you want to do. Or are you gonna convert it into a new job or a new business or early retirement? There's so many choices, but when we're stuck in that negative place, We actually can't tap into the part of our brain where we are creative and curious and able to explore.

Is that acceptance? Yes, you've been given a diagnosis. It's like accepting it, and then what can I do about it? I mean, it might be that you don't agree with them and you want to get another opinion. That's fine too. But at least you've heard them, you've taken it on, and you go, I don't know, I don't agree with that, instead of getting angry at them that they've done it. But if it is a proper diagnosis that you do have it, it's accepting it, not necessarily living it, not making it your identity, but then being curious, like you're saying, about the possibility of what can I do. Okay, I may not like the, uh, prognosis they've given me or what I can do about it, so let me go and find something else. Let me go find an alternative approach. Let me go find, you know, another way to deal with this, as opposed to sitting in the anger of what you think only they can give you.

Exactly. Because the way you've just described it, you're putting yourself in control. So say you receive a diagnosis of lupus That's probably not a great diagnosis to receive. However, you get to choose. You always get to choose what you do with that information. And some people will spiral into a victim role or a blaming role, and that's only going to make their situation more challenging. A great example. So this young girl was— I think she was going to high school to a dance or something, and unfortunately, she got killed by a drunk driver.

Hmm.

Her mother. Now, I don't think anyone would fault her mother for crumbling and just like falling into a pit of despair. However, that's not what she did. She took this horrendous tragedy that happened to her daughter and turned it into a gift for the world. This woman created Mothers Against Drunk Driving to raise awareness around drunk driving to keep all teenagers and humans safe. So the same is true with a diagnosis of lupus or cancer. We can spiral into that victim place or snapping at people and judging, or we can choose what are the potential opportunities or gifts in this situation. Did you know that Christopher Reeve, you know who he is, right?

Yes. Absolutely.

Okay. Did you know that somebody asked him, like, in the later stages of his life, if he wished his accident never happened? And he said no. No, he's glad it happened because so many gifts and so many opportunities that him and his wife had as a result of him becoming a quadriplegic.

Amazing. You imagine the resilience, the strength of mind and emotion to actually come to that place.

Absolutely. And, you know, there's different ways to do it. Today our focus happens to be on the mental fitness, but that is What resilience is, is choosing the part of your brain where you can be connected, productive, focused, action-oriented, empathic, innovative, and all those great things.

Let's talk about— we said rage to sage. Let's talk a little bit about the rage part. Like, and here you have, I don't feel rage, I just avoid everything, so I'm fine. Let's talk about— because you can see that, isn't it, that avoidance to actually express your emotion. Why would that be?

There are so many reasons that people— we would call that an avoider saboteur. They develop. We're born with these saboteurs, but then they also develop as survival strategies in our childhood. And even when we've had great parents and great children— childhoods, childhoods, whatever— um, we still end up developing these saboteurs. They are a survival strategy. And so if somebody grew up in a where there was a lot of fighting and anger, and it became safest for them to avoid it by, you know, crawling into their room or the corner of the basement, then that is a strategy they take into adulthood. Now, the lie of avoiding is that you protect yourself from getting hurt. Really what happens more often is that things build and build and build and build, and then it's as if they just explode. And so If you avoid a diagnosis or you avoid caring for yourself with a diagnosis, diabetes might be a really good example, is that I'm fine. I just have a touch of sugar is what people say. And they're like, I'm gonna keep eating my whatever, my blueberry muffins. And that avoidance is really harming their health, their physical health. And it's also an indication That they are more in the left side of their brain rather than the right.

I know someone who has diabetes and very much has that avoidant personality and avoidant approach because I think they put way too much emphasis on the medication that they're taking, that that's going to save them. What about the fact that people think, what can I do about it? You know, My parent was angry, so of course I'm going to be angry. It's genetic, or that's all I know, that's— I was modeled that, one or the other, whatever their reason is.

I, um, I would love to have a conversation with those people because, because if we look at any family— so my family, I have 8 brothers and sisters, so there are a lot of us, and we grew up camping. Pretty much camping's what we did. And so as adults, some of us absolutely love camping, and some of us are completely turned off, and it's just an individual thing. So when somebody says, of course I'm angry, I grew up in an angry home, it's still their choice. You get to choose if you want to be angry in your relationships and in your job and with your family. I don't really care if your mother and father and grandfather were all angry. You still get to choose. And some people choose the opposite. I actually know someone who grew up in a very loud, angry home, and his response has been to be so, so very patient, maybe almost to the opposite extreme that he needs to step in a little bit more often than he does.

That's interesting, isn't it? That sounds a bit like he avoids.

You are catching on. I'm catching on.

I'm there with you, Jen. Am I?

All of these things, whether we're talking about the avoider, the controller, or the judge— we talked about the blame part— all of those are based in fear. Think about the person you know who is avoiding eating healthy. So in her mind, it's easy enough to say The meds are gonna do it. I can do that. But then there's fear of, well, what if I try and eat healthy and it doesn't work? And then that person might end up blaming themselves. So then we have a couple of different characters showing up. And so it's also important to remember that all negative emotion is based in fear.

If it's based in fear, do you think that there is a direct correlation between, say, unresolved trauma and emotional suppression, and then so that emotional suppression builds and festers into anger?

So I'm not a psychologist, um, I would say there's definitely a connection there, and I can speak to that from the pain science world. Um, not everyone who has chronic pain has experienced trauma, but a lot of people have had trauma in their lives. And have you heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk?

No, I haven't.

Powerful book. And it is talking about how, when he says the body keeps the score, all trauma is held in the body unless we find our way to work through it and find our way back to that place of The thriving brain. You kind of mentioned a cycle of one causes the next causes the other, and it's absolutely true. And I'm also gonna say again, we get the choice.

Mm-hmm.

We may have experienced trauma. We still get to choose. Is that gonna be our crutch and we're gonna choose to be the victim, or are we going to choose to move beyond it and be the victor?

You know, yeah, the, the definitely the message running through At them, you know, from the beginning to now, is definitely choice. It's so powerful, isn't it? I think people— I think it's more powerful than what we actually realize. And I don't know that we actually use it correctly, because if used correctly, you know, lives can change dramatically. It doesn't matter whether it's a, a lifelong lasting condition that you might be dealing with Or mental health that you're dealing with, even though mental health is a lot more complex. I wouldn't put it down to something as simple as choosing differently. It's— but if you do just even have like mild depression, you still are able to choose. You know, I'm not talking about severe mental health, but let's go back to having a condition. How we approach it, like you said, how we approach it, how we accept it, how we move forward. The different choices we make for ourselves, whether we have a positive or a negative outcome, you know, how our life moves forward. Choice is incredible. What are some of the ways that we can actually build some resilience through different choices?

So, um, I was gonna tag on to the last question you had, but this is gonna make sense. So let's go back to the person with type 2 diabetes and A lot of times people are like, oh, I can't have donuts anymore. I can't this, I can't that. And there becomes like this negative connotation with that. I learned this from a counselor. I thought it was brilliant. He's like, if you take can't apart, it is I cannot. And it's like, I can choose to not. I can't have that donut. I can choose to not Have that donut. So I think that is a powerful example of how we can use the choice in both a positive and— I don't wanna say negative, but the— on the flip side. And so the other way you're talking about, how do we use that choice? So first, recognizing you have the choice, because people are like, well, I can't help it, I got angry. And in the beginning, Because that is the well-worn path. And so you have to want to be curious enough to, oh, I got really angry just now. And when you get there, celebrate that. I noticed I was angry and it only took me 2 minutes instead of 2 hours. That's worth celebrating. And then in that awareness is when we can start to choose something different. There's so many different ways we can do it. It really starts with curiosity and awareness, because if you're not willing to get curious about improving your resilience or your mental fitness or the way you handle negative emotions, you're not really going to make any progress because you've chosen to keep your hand on the hot stove.

It is all about choice. And sometimes I have actually spoken to, um, well, a member of my— in my family, and I said, And I said to him, but you know you've chosen that, or where you are now, you know you chose that 5 years ago. Yeah, he got really annoyed and really angry at me about, I'm sick to death of this, I chose it. But we do, we have to understand full responsibility comes from understanding that everything we've done and where we are, even in our health. Is what we've chosen, and it's usually what we chose a few years ago.

Yeah, I just saw a very interesting post on LinkedIn. Heart disease at 40 begins in your 20s or something like that.

And I was like, oh yes.

Okay, let's go back. Was it your brother you said?

Yes.

Yeah, so you tell him, you know, you chose that 5 years ago. That's fear coming up for him. Oh, she's right. And so then what is the protective mechanism? What's the protective saboteur? Well, I'm going to judge my sister. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm sick of that word choice because there's fear behind maybe, maybe you're right. Maybe he needs to get curious and he can always make a new choice.

You know, you have here active versus passive strategies and direct versus indirect strategies. Can you walk us through or talk us through some of that? Because I feel like that is going to have a really good impact on what we've been talking about, on how people can actually implement this and take action to move forward.

Let's start with direct versus indirect. So a direct strategy is going to have a direct impact on whatever it is you're dealing with. And so a direct strategy for type 2 diabetes, because that keeps coming up today is choosing to not buy cookies at the store so that you're not tempted to eat them at home. So that is a direct strategy to eat less of the cookies. So an indirect strategy might be to have a friend send you a text just once a day, just saying something like, hey, good to hear from you, or I miss you, or looking forward to our walk on Friday. So it's still somebody is showing they care, and that might make you rethink that cookie. Who knows? But that's a little bit of a more of an indirect technique. So then we have active versus passive. And this is really easy to talk about when it comes to pain. So when people are experiencing chronic pain, one of our most important strategies is exercise and movement. And so an active strategy when you're experiencing pain is to get a little movement. Is it going for a walk? Is it just going up and down on your chair? And that is an active, direct strategy. Now, a passive strategy would be laying on the couch and putting a hot pack on. And we know from research that we do better with the active strategies. Now, direct versus indirect, they both have their place. So another example of an indirect strategy, either for pain or for the diabetes, could be journaling. It could be doing artwork or puzzles or knitting or whatever it might be. So that's the difference. And we know that we want a mix of direct and indirect. And we also want to be choosing active More than passive.

So with the saboteur, that's that emotion, that, that mindset have an active and indirect— an active and a passive way of being. Like, with the saboteur, the active would be, I'm doing things to help myself to move out of this. But the inactive part of the saboteur would be, I'm going to sit here, I'm going to lie here, I'm going to do exactly what I've been doing always, and I'm not going to move forward.

So when we are in the active part, I like this distinction. We would call that you are now in sage. So sage is that right side of your brain, the thriving brain where you have that laser-focused action. So the saboteurs are the negative fear-driven, and the sage is where we can tap into empathy, innovation, and the others.

It is, I guess, Just talking to yourself, taking these actions, what you've been saying, make a different choice that will move you from the rage to sage. Because the ultimate goal, whether you've got chronic illness, whether you've got mental health, whatever it is that's happening, difficult family, whatever it is in your life, it's the sage That'll see you through, not the rage. A piece of advice to the listeners who might be feeling a bit overwhelmed with anger because they've just received some news or whatever it is. What can they do today?

Today you can get curious about that anger. Is this anger serving me? Does this anger make me feel good? And just stay right there. When you are able to interrupt it, that's the first step to being able to create a new path. And what you'll notice is that you will start to recognize the anger or the fear or whatever it might be sooner. And the sooner you recognize it, the sooner we can interrupt it and shift to sage. And so I would recommend curiosity and awareness as something you can start today.

Sage advice of how people can move through their emotional intelligence and, and develop emotional intelligence and resilience. And for all our listeners and viewers, if you've liked what Jen has been talking about, please, all her details will be in the show notes. Do contact her. She has online courses. She's contactable through her website. Do yourself a favor. Thank you, Jen.

You are welcome. Thank you, Rita.