Sally Koering Zimney explores how to strip ego from feedback conversations. She revisits the principle of starting with a speaker's strengths, then digs into the emotional work both giver and receiver must do: resisting defensiveness, approaching with curiosity instead of needing to prove yourself. She shares her own early coaching mistakes and explains how speakers can set the terms of feedback to match how they learn best.
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Hey everybody, and welcome to This Moved Me, a podcast about creating talks that move the world. With me, your host, Sally Koering Zimney. Together with some fabulous guests, we will have a casual conversation about the art of public speaking. Because a good talk can move the world. And it'll be fun. Yeah, I would think making alien cows meaningful. That's not a small task. I love your giggle. Wow. Oh my gosh, so we're waiting for everybody to figure out the alphabet. Hey movers, it's part 2 in the feedback series today. Last week we talked about how important it is to start with the A. And if you're a feedback giver and you believe that what you are bringing to the table can help them, then it is up to you to help them believe what you see. And the best way to do that is by starting with an A— they're already awesome. It's up to you to kind of pull that out and help show it to the world. So that's part 1. Part 2 today really applies to feedback givers and receivers. Okay, and it is about letting go of your ego. Okay, and we most often think of asking people who are receiving feedback to let go of their egos, right? Like, see it as a gift. Do not defend or explain yourself. And not getting defensive in the midst of receiving feedback can be a Herculean effort sometimes, depending on who's giving it. It is an incredibly human and vulnerable moment. And here's the thing, it should be a vulnerable moment for the feedback giver too. And I personally think sometimes there's helpful information in the explanation if the person is truly open to what you're saying. Can you approach this conversation with curiosity, without all the answers, interested in how the other person might be interested in solving the problem that you see or that you're experiencing? Assuming the other person's best interests are at the forefront. And I know, I know sometimes the other person's best interests aren't at the heart of things because I have been there. When I first started coaching, I was so focused on proving myself that I took the speaker down to show how much I knew. That was ego. And it's something I really regret. Or when a speaker cannot hear what you're trying to say because they're so protective of what they've created. Their ego is getting in the way of learning and growing and the possibility of more. And I get that too. It is a crazy vulnerable thing to do and to create something. And if you and your story and your heart are really in your talk, it can feel and be personally painful to not just stand up and say it, but to hear that it's not okay as it is, or that it's not living up to what this person sees, or what even you know is possible. Even admitting that to ourselves can be so hard, which is why we must all step into these conversations having leggo of our egos. And if you can't do that, if you need your ego that day, and Gosh, we've all had those days, right? Where we're just jumpier and more defensive and feeling wounded by the world. Well, that is not the day to step into this conversation unless you have a really skilled feedback person in the midst. So speakers, you can set the terms for the feedback giving. It is about you, so what do you need right afterward? Giving it a little time? Do you need a little time afterwards? Do you want to hear it maybe by via email first and then talk about it later? Do you want to dive in right away so you don't forget what you were thinking and feeling? I mean, that's the funny thing about this work is we have to know ourselves well enough to know what we need, what triggers us, how we learn best, and yet we have to let go of ourselves enough to let the other person truly in. Isn't speaking awesome? I mean, it gets right at the heart of who we are, who we want to be, who we sure as hell don't want to be. I mean, I've seen truly wonderful humans get shook to the core in feedback sessions. It is, it can be no fun. So to give the conversation the best possible chance of success, leggo your ego. Ego. Yeah, sounds good. I gotta work on it too every day. It's not about me. It's not about me. Just repeat that to yourself. It's not about me. It's about bringing to the world this work and creating the best possible creation we can create. That's it. That's it for me. Thanks for listening. Part 2. Of the feedback series, Lego Your Ego, part 1, start with the A. And next week, part 3, we're gonna talk about relationship and trust. Bam! That's what it's all about. See you next week.
