198: Why I'm Bringing More Joy to My Speaking - And You Should Too

Hello, movers. I am back. I know it's been a while. And today, episode 198 is all about why I'm gonna bring more joy to my speaking this year and why you should do the same. Joy? Joy and speaking? Really, Sally? Yep. We are gonna dig into this word joy, why I'm focusing on it this year, what I have been doing over the last several weeks, a really funny story about me in high school, and what all of that has to do with you. Let's do this! Holy cow, people! I'm back! It's been a long time. Too long. It's been too long. I feel I owe you an explanation. What happened, Sally? I launched an online course. Called Speaking Story and loved it, had such an amazing time. And it, it took more out of me and more time than I expected, and I was not ahead of the game enough to have shows pre-recorded and pre-ready. And so I kind of had to put things aside while I was doing that, and my plan was to jump back in But then I was tired, and so I just lost my steam the last month. It was weird because usually I have a lot of steam. I've got— some people are like, where did— where is all that energy come from, Sally? And I usually don't have an answer. It just is. I don't know. But December was like a slog, and my body, everything was telling me, slow down, stop, take a break, lady. So that is what I did, and it felt great. And the upside to that is that it gave me a lot of energy and excitement for the new year. Like, a lot. Here I am, it's 2019, and it's 2019 for you too! And this is the time and space of big dreaming and big imagining and big. I don't know why I keep saying the word "big," except why not? Why not dream big? And so, I don't know, it was maybe a year ago, I was reading somebody— I wish I could remember who it was that, that spurned me on in this— but last Christmas I remember sitting around the cabin with my family. My parents have a cabin in Wisconsin and we go there a lot, and it's just a wonderful respite from the world. And I remember sitting around with my brothers and their wives and just trying to figure out like, what's our focus? What's my focus for 2018? What's my word? I need to find a word because somebody who I admire was doing that. I was like, that's a great idea, because I do believe that what we focus on we begin to bring to ourselves and we see more of that around in the world and it just helps keep us focused and energized. And so I was like, okay, yes, I want to find a word. But oh my gosh, I just could not commit to a word last year. It was me at my worst, honestly. That whole— I spent several days being like, maybe it's this, maybe it's that. I just bounced around from idea to idea and just didn't make a decision on it, which is blah, terrible. Really bad. And something I do sometimes, which is not good. But eventually, because I just couldn't find the word that felt right and it felt perfect, I just let the whole idea go. And looking back now, of course, my year kind of took on that tone, like hem and haw, indecisive. Maybe this? Yes? No? Too late. And then of course that feeling of Shame, shame, darn it Sally, you should have done that, make a decision, it's not too late. What do you think? What word now? Maybe this? No. Yes? No. No. Too late. Shit. You know, it just was this stupid cycle. So the year sort of took on that whole feel. Hem ha. Just make a decision already, woman, and go for it. Now I will say, looking back at 2018, I recommitted to this experience with you, the podcast, publishing something every week, of course, until November. But up until that point, I was really proud of what we have created together over the last year on this platform and this experience, and I still really love it. And so I am back, and I'm gonna find a word this year. And if you have been following me a little bit on social media, you maybe have seen this already. So I'm going to share with you my word and what it has to do with us and speaking. So my word this year is joy, and there, there have been all kinds of signs pointing me to this word in the last few months. I was out shopping with my daughter at Michaels, this craft store, and oh my God, that store! I love that store, and I am not a crafty person, but I feel like maybe I could be when I am sitting in Michaels. And this journal jumped out at me that I had kind of been— had my eye out for one because I want to do more of a gratitude practice. So this journal jumped out at me, and it had the big word "joy" in it. I was I love that word. And I have, I've always really loved that word, and it was on sale. Bonus! Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, that is a really bad habit, telling people that when I buy things they're typically on sale and like how much they cost. I'll stop doing that. Okay, and even before I had chosen this word for myself, maybe because of the journal, who knows, but I've kind of been following these little pebbles that had brought me to the word joy because our Christmas card had the word joy on it, and that was even before I chose that word. So I just kept kind of jumping out at me and speaking to me, and so I— when we were talking about words up at the cabin again, I was like, joy, my word is joy. And so now I'm in the process of figuring out what that means. Now, maybe, gosh, must have been last summer, I did a little bit of writing about what joy has to do with speaking, because it does. I think actually joy is an essential element of speaking that moves people. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna lay out the case a little bit for you here and why I'm gonna bring more joy to my speaking, to my work, and why I want you to do the same thing too. Okay? So I'm going to start with this, in thinking about someone in your life who you would kind of call magnetic, right? This person walks into a room, the energy shifts, people are drawn to him or her. Well, I had a friend like that in high school. Wherever she went, people were just kind of wowed by her, taken by her, and with good reason. She was beautiful and kind and smart. And talented, on and on. She had what StrengthsFinders would call the Woo factor. Do you guys know that? Do you know StrengthsFinders? There's all kinds of different strengths, and one of them is Woo, which is an acronym for winning others over. When I first heard that, I was like, that's made up. That's not actually a strength. Are you seriously calling one of your strengths Woo? But there it is. And it does, it comes easily to some people, and full disclosure, Woo Woo is one of my strengths too. But back in high school, not so much, right? But sometimes you call woo winning others over, charisma, the X factor, and this friend had woo big time. And I remember sitting in a car with a handful of friends, not including my woo friend, and we were talking in this kind of wistful, teenagery, honestly jealous way, like we do when someone else has something that we want or need or just feel like, "Oh, that is the life that I imagined for myself." And it was some guys and girls, and I remember asking these guy friends, like, "Why do you all like this Wu friend? Why her? And my friend and I were sitting there, and we were like, "Why not us? We're beautiful. We're smart. We're talented. Why does everyone like her?" Which is sort of a sad and pathetic, but very, you know, 16-year-old conversation to be having. And of course, we got it, right? Because she's awesome. But we're like, "So are we!" And our friend Matt turned to me because I had said that, like, why does everybody like her? We're awesome too. And he said, Sally, it's kind of like— okay, and he's like, just go with me on this. He's like, you're a car. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, you're all cars. Okay, you're a car and, you know, everybody's like a really good model of car. I'm like, oh my gosh, you are digging yourself a hole. Hole here, buddy. What are you talking about? And then he said, everybody's car, but not everybody's spark plugs work the same way. I was like, what? And he said, it's kind of like right now your spark plug's broken. I just thought, what does that even mean? And I totally didn't get it then, but maybe it's like a year and a half or so later, Matt came up to me, and it was a new year, things had changed a lot for me like they tend to do in high school. You just take huge leaps forward, and that had happened for me too. And he kind of came up to me, and I'll never forget this, he sort of pulled me aside, he was like, um, hey, Sal, "Just want you to know your spark plug's working." And I was like, "Oh!" And I totally got it. Now I don't know if in me telling you this story, that makes sense to you, but here's what had changed for me. I was no longer looking at what like my woo friend was doing and trying to replicate that. I felt more connected, more confident in myself and what I was bringing to my school every day, to my friendships. I felt what I'm gonna say was a deep sense of joy in who I was. Matt called it a spark plug, but I think it's really joy. And great speakers, like great leaders, have a spark plug, right? A little something extra. And it doesn't have to be loud or me-focused. In fact, that me-focus will really kill your joy fast. But it is something that we feel, and not just ourselves internally, but I think we do feel that, but the people around us. Feel it. And we feel something because this woo person feels something, something real, something deep. So stick with me here. Let's look at the definition of joy for a moment. It is defined as the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying. Keen pleasure, elation, or the expression or display of glad feeling, festive gaiety. And there are so many words in that definition that I like: delight, festive, satisfying, keen pleasure, elation. These are great words, and that's a pretty good definition, I would say, but it's— I feel like it's also lacking something, you know what I mean? I think joy is more than that. I was looking online for some meat to add to my thoughts on joy because this is something I've kind of been feeling my way around, but I wanted to bring some meat to it. And honestly, it struck me, I was a little surprised that so much of the meat and thought around joy is very Christian in nature. And I suppose that makes sense. And I did find something on Theopedia, which is not a site I'd heard before, and I'm guessing that it is a theology online encyclopedia. That's what I'm gonna go with, um, based on what I was seeing. And but they did have a definition of joy that I really, really like, and it said a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence, and hope. Now, I know that they're talking in a religious context, but I— it doesn't require that for me. For me, the part that I am drawn to there and that I think makes a difference for any of us is that idea of an orientation of the heart. I love that. The sense of openness, contentment, hope. For me, like I said, I don't think it's religious, but it— that heart idea, how we show up in those moments has everything to do with what is inside of us, what is in our heart, and what our audience feels depends on what we are feeling. And as a 7 on the Enneagram who avoids pain— if you know anything about Enneagram stuff, you know that that is true, and it has, it has been true in my life. But I've been working really hard the last several years to go deeper with people rather than kind of skim the surface and just keep things happy, which is part of the reason why I'm so drawn to joy. Because joy is not the same thing as happiness. Joy is not about avoiding pain. So when we as speakers, when we bring joy with us on stage, it doesn't mean we only bring our happy moments with us on stage. In fact, it can't be that. It just cannot be. We will be missing something if we do that. It seems to me that joy is about something much deeper, appreciating life in all of its fullness, happiness and sadness. Joy exists within it all. And I bet you're thinking about a moment right now where you strangely felt a sense of joy, even though it was not a happy moment. And when we can really experience life's joy, then we can experience everything more fully. That's what I think joy is, is experiencing life fully. And I feel like I can't do a podcast without quoting Brené Brown, who says, "We cannot numb pain without numbing happiness and joy and creativity and all good things." So when I see a speaker fully embrace joy, to delight in their audience, soak up this moment that they have in front of them, they are feeling the fullness of life in its broadest sense. This past year at Story, I was— I will never forget this one talk. Susan Blackwell, who is this woman who, she's an actress and a performer, and she's a coach, and she's just brilliant. I sat next to her at dinner that night before she had spoken, and We speakers had been invited to this dinner, and she was delightful, full of life, but she also had this depth to her. And that was made so crystal clear to me the next morning when she stood up to do her— what I'm gonna call like a one-woman performance. Even she did have a really talented piano player with her, Larry. He was great too. They were an amazing team. And she was talking about death. She was talking about the biggest, deepest questions of life as a way to talk about really living. That we as artists need to ask ourselves, how do I want to live? These are big, deep questions, but it felt also joyful. She was remembering her friend who was dying of cancer, and though it was incredibly sad, it struck me as fully joyful. I felt joy from her as she appreciated the sorrows of life and the fullness of life, and I just bawled the whole second half of that performance. It moved me so. Fully. And this past year, I just had to— chose to dial it all back a little bit. And I, I confused detachment for focus, and I stopped really delighting in my audience for some really valid reasons, but also some kind of baloney reasons too. Nibbled at by self-doubt a little bit and just felt too busy, and I also needed to focus on other things. It's not all bad, but I was not who I wanted to be for you in some ways. So, and when I think about where I do feel my best and where I do bring myself fully, it's up on stage, it's in front of people, it's when I'm coaching people. Because I do delight in my audience. I love them up. I get to share these beautiful moments, challenging and help push people to really incredible ahas. And man, It has fueled me, and I feel like if I can stay focused on that, in delighting my audience, you, more in focusing on joy, I will share with you more presence, more confidence, more appreciation for the fullness of life, more risk, more failure. Joy means all of that. Joy means connection. And this is the part that makes it not just good for us as human beings, because of course, if you know me, you know I think if we want to be moving speakers, we have to be moved as humans. If we want to be good leaders, then we have to be good speakers because good speakers are good leaders. But we as speakers, we get to do something up there, and one of the things that we do, whether we intend it or not, is share our energy. We give off what we are feeling. We share space with our audience in a kind of a profound way. So when we can take delight in our audience in the moment, to bring joy in that moment, they, the audience, they feel loved, they feel seen, they feel connection, and that is what it is all about. So this year, I am bringing more joy to my speaking, to this podcast, and my hope is that I'm bringing more joy to all of you. And my challenge for you in 2019 is for you to do the same, to show up in those moments and sink in, to be seen so that you can see. To connect and to share who you really are. Bam! Yes! Let's do it! 2019, baby! Woo! Brrr brrr brrr! Let's do this, team! Are you ready? 2019, we're bringing more joy. This moved me. What is moving you? I can't wait to hear. Check you later.