317: 3 Practices to Push Past Perfectionism

Hey movers, it's Sally Z with Be Moved. Let's go create some talks that will move this world. We're gonna talk with amazing speakers, share tips, tricks, resources, and we are going to be moved so that our audience can be moved. This moved me. What is moving My friends, you have asked me to dig more into this perfectionism thing. Okay, because it holds us back. We are here because we want to step out front. We want to share our message with our audience, be of service to them. We know it means we need to get visible. We know it means we've got to hone our message and we've got to actually do the thing. But we are often stuck in all kinds of— there's lots of things that hold us back. One of the big themes that I heard in January when we were doing our Be Visible Challenge is talking a lot about perfection. What will they think of me? I don't think I'm ready yet. All of those thoughts that come up that keep us from Showing up and showing our real face, from sharing this gift that we have and this message that we have, it is not an easy thing to do. So I just want to acknowledge that, okay? What I'm going to be talking about today is, is really some practices that I hope will help you in your journey, okay? This is a journey, okay? So this is not like, do these things and Bing! You're done. You don't have to worry about perfection and perfectionism ever again. Ah, I wish. That is not how this works. I'm sorry to say. How this works is that we practice these things. Okay? And the more we practice, and this is true for speaking as a whole, as a journey, as an experience, the more we show up, the more we practice, the more we put ourselves into situations before we're ready. The more we learn and the better it is the next time. Okay. Essentially we have to learn publicly. And that is hard. We end up not doing it if perfectionism is getting in the way. We end up actually just not getting better, not showing up at all for our audience in a way that could actually help them. So we all know why it's important to be visible. And we're gonna talk about some practices that I hope will really help you. I was sitting at a coffee shop Tuesday, Monday, I don't know what day is today. I don't know. With my friend Tiff. Tiff is a member of our group. She's done Signature Talk Studio with me. She's in my Movers Lab, which is the mastermind level experience after, uh, STS and Tiff. Is talking about how she has not been visible the way that she wanted to. And it's not that she's brilliant. It's not that she isn't so good at what she does and have powerful things to say. So I was like, what, what do you think it is? What do you think it is? And we talked about the Four Horsemen of Visibility. You guys remember the Four Horsemen of Visibility? It's perfectionism. It's imposter syndrome. It's ego and judgment. What will they think of me? And then it's a fear, a really specific fear of some kind. So sometimes it's just like, I don't know exactly. I don't know how to run the technology. There's a specific fear driving us. All 4 of those can keep us from really showing up and being visible. And we talked a little bit about perfectionism. So I thought it might be helpful to share some of these practices that can shift you into action more so. Okay. But you've gotta be willing to practice these practices. Okay. All right. So the first one I wanna talk with you about is defining your awesomeness and keeping that in front of you as much as you can. I spent many, many years working at a nonprofit organization. And we had a little bit of an identity crisis at times that was keeping us from really showing up and owning our expertise, from serving our audience, from bringing in new donors, because we hadn't really defined and owned our particular expertise, the particular thing that we are good at. Instead, we were comparing ourselves to competition that was very different from us and saying, well, maybe we should do it more like this, maybe we should do it more like that. And that sort of comparison and trying to do it like other people, really not getting crystal clear on how it is that we can show up and serve people kept us from growth, from clarity in our messaging, from other people really connecting with what it is that we are doing. It was a problem. And what we ended up doing was the very thing that we were afraid, the very thing that we were afraid of being criticized for became our superpower. Let me get specific with you on this. In this organization, we would come in and do these day-long programs. It was not about long-term relationships, and we were always worried like, oh, we don't want to be criticized for not having a long-term relationship with our students. Okay? Not being in their lives consistently. Not showing up and, and really understanding what they were going through. And that was always a something we were self-conscious about. And what we did is we started to define our awesomeness, and it was the strength of being there for one day. We did some research. What is the value of showing up for one day? Are we able to do things that the teachers aren't able to do because we're there for one day? Are we able to allow students to come in and have an experience and say things that other people can't say because we are only there for one day? And the answer was yes. The research backed us up on this. And so we started really redefining what was so impactful and awesome about the experiences instead of trying to repackage and make it seem like other things. It was like, no, we're gonna get crystal clear on what it is that makes us awesome. I want you to take that scenario and apply it to your own self. What is it that you do that is particularly awesome? We are talking about authenticity here. Okay. But sometimes that word and that idea gets people like, how to be authentic? And it's like, oh my gosh, it starts with knowing yourself. I want you to define really clearly for yourself how you are awesome? What is it about you in particular? Ha! Think about this in terms of differentiation and distinctions. Okay? And if there is something that you're like, ugh, this makes me really different, and sometimes people have, like, have criticism about that or judgment about that, I want you to turn that around. And define it as a strength. Okay. Not just like pulling it out of your butt or whatever. And it's like, eh, I'm just making this up. But, but really think about that. How is that a strength? How is it particularly useful to your audience and in service of your audience? Okay. It's a perspective shift, but it's a big one. And when we do that, What will happen is we will feel more, um, at ease in our own skin. Because if we're going to define our awesomeness, your awesomeness is not how perfectly you do stuff. Let's just be clear about that. That's never going to be the answer here. It just isn't. It just isn't. And so instead, what I want you to do is I want you to, once you define this, I want you to keep it in front of you. Put it on a notepad and let that be the thing that pushes you out front and moves you past your perfectionism. Okay? That very thing that you're afraid to be judged about, that may be your awesome that you need to bring out front. Define your awesome, keep it in front of you so that you can, as you Fully you, imperfect human you. All right, here's the deal. This idea that we are focused on connection, not perfection. This is kind of the theme of today. So we're going to leave that right here. I've said this for years, years, my friends. We're focused on connection, not perfection. Okay? Nobody cares. Nobody cares. If you show up perfectly, they go, "Hmm, that's fairly nice." And then they feel a distance between you and them. We wanna close that distance between you and your audience, and we do that by focusing on what connects, not doing it exactly right. Be your real human self and the right people will find you. All right, we know this. All right, so we're gonna define our awesomeness. That was part number one. Okay. I keep seeing my notes and seeing other things that I wanted to tell you about that. Okay. So with, with this defining your awesomeness piece, there's, there's two more things I want you to, I want you to think about. Okay. You are allowed to not know everything. Okay. We can get so easily lost and scooped up into the sea of experts, right? There's a lot of people who know, who are in your topical area of expertise, right? You're an expert. So are many other people in this thing, right? What we are doing when we define your awesomeness is we say, you don't, you don't actually have to know about everything. You don't have to know the exact same things that those people know. You want to define your own expertise, your own approach, your own awesomeness. And when you do that, it just gives you a sense of confidence in stepping out front and not showing up like anybody else. Okay. You get to show up as you, your imperfect human self. Okay. I just, I was like, I can't let that, that's an important piece. Okay. So the second thing that we are going to be doing when you are practicing moving through your perfectionism, okay? A practice that you wanna bring to life is focusing on brave versus perfect. Okay? We, I just did a whole thing about connection versus perfection, but sort of like, what is connection and how do I know that I'm getting there or going for it? Like, it's a little, obscure. So let me put it this way. When we show up bravely versus perfectly, what that means is we are, we are bringing our full human selves up front. We're not allowing those thoughts that show up sometimes, like, what will they think of me? And I'm not quite ready yet. And, you know, the other people know more than me. All of those ideas that somehow are basically saying that you are not enough yet. Okay. That it's this far off thing that you're working towards, but you're not there yet. If we shift our focus to brave versus perfect, brave means that we Show up anyway. Brave means that even if we're not ready, even if we don't know everything, we do know something. Brave means we move through our fear. We accept that fear is a part of this and we move through it anyway. So when you are thinking about showing up out front, when you are starting to Lean into, okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do this. And you're, and you have any of those perfect thoughts, I want you to shift your internal thinking from perfect to brave. And brave sounds like, it's okay for me to not do this perfectly. I have something to offer. I'm going to do this for them, AKA your audience. This could be fun. I'm gonna give it a go. I am worthy of showing up, even if it doesn't go well. Those kinds of thoughts are gonna shift you more towards brave than perfect. And we really want brave. An audience will cheer on brave. They're not going to cheer on perfect. They will feel empathy with brave. Perfect, they might feel admiration. That's different. Admiration doesn't necessarily lead to action. Brave inspires. Brave engages. Brave. Ugh, brave. It's, this is it. This is everything. This is what we're going for. It's really hard to do that in a mirror. Okay. So the second practice is we're focused on brave, not perfect. First practice, we are going to define your awesomeness and you're going to keep it in front of you. Hey, define it. Let that lead you out front. If you're not sure yet what your awesome is, hey, this is important. Hey, let me know. I can send some resources your way that would help that. Okay, the third and final practice that I want you to bring to life, okay, to keep in front of you as you are trying to move through perfectionism, okay, because you are not alone on this. We all feel it. It doesn't like, uh, I have a problem with perfectionism, or I don't. It's going to come and crop up into our lives at different times, is we are going to practice the play. And what I mean by that is you're gonna see what you are doing as an experiment. I want you to keep playing. I want you to see this truly as an experiment that is teaching you, that is informing you about what works and what doesn't. Every time you log in an attempt, you prove to yourself that it doesn't have to be perfect. I avoided video for years, years, years, years. I avoided video. I started a podcast, an audio podcast, because I was like, well, at least I don't have to show my face on video, even though I was like, I'll be on stage, no problem. I love being on stage. But video felt too intimate, too much like, oh gosh, my face and the wrinkles and the hair and the everything. And I didn't want that judgment. I didn't feel ready for it. It felt out of my league. I, I wanted nothing to do with it. And now most of my communication is on video, how I got from I hate it and have no business doing it to this is what I do was playing. Okay. It was defining my awesomeness. It was focusing on brave rather than perfect. And it was experimentation and playing and trying. So let me ask you this. What would make this fun for you? What would make it fun? What— sometimes fun might get us out front. We put this pressure on ourselves so much that, oh my gosh, it's gotta be way up here. It's gotta be at this level. It's gotta be perfect. It's got— in order for this to be worth doing in any way, we put it at this level. And I want us to just like lower that bar. And play a little more. See this as an experiment and see what happens. See what you learn, see what you come up with, and think of it as logging in your time. Okay. One of the ideas here is truly just to log in the time. Okay. To put in the time, to figure out the technology, to press go, to see what lighting works for you. To, and I'm not just talking virtual things here, I'm talking like, what shoes do you wear that feel comfortable? What, all of these things that weigh heavily on us at the beginning. You log in some time and you're brave versus perfect. You're playing. You're saying, I have something to offer here. Me in particular have something to offer here. We start stepping out front. And we prove to ourselves that perfectionism has no place, that we don't need that because we start seeing the evidence and the results of the journey rather than the end result, rather than the perfect thing that's on the other side of this somehow. Like we have this idea of how it's supposed to be, what we should be doing. All of the, those, the, what I call the special unicorn concept of speaking, like this elitist, up on a pedestal baloney that keeps us from showing up at all. Okay? You're gonna prove yourself wrong by doing these things right here. By playing, by focusing on brave versus perfect, by defining your awesomeness. When you do these 3 things consistently, consistently, you prove to yourself that connection is what is effective. Connection is what people want. Connection is impactful. And it becomes easier. Perfectionism, we move through it faster. So one of the things that I was saying to some of my speakers the other day was that This doesn't go away. Like, fear doesn't go away. It is truly just a part of the experience of becoming a speaker. Oh, I was telling my new STS students this. It doesn't go away. Sorry. But what happens is the more that we do these things here and the more that we put in the time and we log the hours in and we, we show up anyway. We play, we focus on brave, we really know ourselves and have defined ourselves well. When we do that, we move through the things that hold us back so much faster. So I have moments of fear, but I move through them really fast now because I trust that when I show up, I, I can do this. We are developing self-trust. And self-trust isn't perfect. Self-trust is, is like, I can handle this even if, even if something goes wrong, because I've, I've been through a similar experience. I can handle this even if I can experiment a little bit because sometimes it works out great. You never know. It's kind of a, an improv exercise showing up out front. And if any of you have ever done improv, you know the goal of improv is not to do it perfectly. That would be boring improv. Okay. The goal is to show up brave. It's to really get clear about the way in which you can serve the scene in that particular moment. Okay. And it's absolutely about playing and experimentation. Okay. Nobody walks in to an improv scene and goes, this has gotta be good. Like that, that is not the bar. That is not the, the definition of success. Okay. The definition of success in an improv scene is, did we serve the scene? Okay. Did we move it forward? There's just like much different. And because I'm not a super, um, professional improviser, I haven't, I haven't done improv in way too long, but my husband is, we talk about this a lot. Um, we as speakers, we could learn a lot. From improvisers on how to show up anyway and to shift their focus from perfection over to connection, to keep playing, to be brave versus perfect, and to define the way in which you in particular get to show up in this world. Okay? To know yourself so well that you're not worried about being perfect. You're just worried about being you. And getting as tuned in and as clear on that as possible. All right, friends, I hope this was helpful for you. I am so glad that you are here. More info soon on our next Be Visible Challenge, because that is what is next for us here in the group. Thanks for being here, team, and we'll see you next week. Bye.