370: Speaking Story Chapter 10 - Finding Self-Trust

Oh my gosh.

That, uh, I don't remember what I was saying.

How do we start this? Welcome back everybody to This Moves Me, the podcast that right now is walking through my book, Speaking Story. My name is Sally Koering Zimney. I'm so delighted that you're here in the free walkthrough, chapter by chapter of this book. And if you want the paid version, I mean, if you want to pay me money, that'd be great. The ad-free version that is over on Audible, you can go grab that now. But here on either YouTube or your podcast channel, we are walking through chapter by chapter, and we're on chapter 10 today in part 2. And this chapter is really important to me We're talking about becoming a person who tells stories and like believing that that is you. And the truth is that we can't do that without grappling with the things that hold us back. And as you hear about in this chapter, most of the work that I do is about dealing with people's fears and dealing with what I like to call the self-doubt spiral and all the BS stuff that goes through our heads. Because I've seen it again and again that confidence, and I'm going to use that word really loosely because I actually think confidence is kind of BS. Confidence is super finicky. And I have not always been able to trust confidence because sometimes I'm like, if I just feel funny in my pants that day, I don't feel confident. It's like, what is that about? You know, like I can't lean on confidence. Confidence is built on flimsy things. Instead, and we'll talk about it, that's in this chapter, it's all about finding self-trust. And self-trust is truer, realer, really important. In fact, my next book is about this whole thing. We're gonna like blow up this idea. If you're on my email list, I, we're digging into this stuff. Every, every week because it, it affects all of us. I know the stats say like 71, I, I've seen 71%, I've seen 80%. Honestly, both of those numbers feel low to me because I have worked with some of the most credentialed people, you know, Harvard educated CEOs of their highly successful companies. All of the reasons why they should feel confident, and they are also dealing with, while being credentialed and totally experienced and knowing all their stuff, they also have to deal with the inner stories that we tell ourselves. It is true for everyone, and it's true for me. Sometimes people don't believe me when I say that, but it is true for me too. And if it's true for me, I definitely know it's true for other people because I also love to do this. I love to speak and I'm like, ah, sometimes. So I'm not fearless. I also feel imposter syndrome feelings sometimes. There have been big moments in my career where I seriously had to challenge the stories that I was telling myself. And lots of time where I got really slowed down by crap that other people said to me or ideas that I took in that weren't helpful for me. So even as somebody who's been speaking on stages since I was 15, well, I mean, younger than that, this is, this is a really critical part of actually doing the thing, not just talking about it, but actually doing the thing. So this chapter is about self-trust, how important it is and why it's the real foundation of you bringing your story to life. Let's dive in.

Hey everybody, and welcome to This Moved Me, a podcast about creating talks that move the world. With me, your host, Sally Koering Zimney. This complimentary listening of This Speaking Story audiobook is brought to you in part by the Be Moved Institute, or as I lovingly refer to it, BME. Leadership almost always comes with a microphone, movers, whether that's a meeting, a presentation, a tough conversation, a keynote conference opportunity that you have. I mean, even if you would never call yourself a speaker or a storyteller, you are one. You just might not have the tools that you need yet. Or the support that you need yet. And that's why I created the Unspeaker Simple Storytelling audio course. It's like having me right alongside you on your walk or in the car on your commute, and it guides you through simple, powerful exercises to find the leadership stories that are already inside you and that will move your people. It's $49, but it's truly priceless. And I'm really excited to give you the opportunity to come join me over there. All you have to do is head to sally-koering-zimney.com/unspeaker to get started. And while you're there, join the waitlist for the Be Moved Institute, an incredible 2-day experience where we are giving corporate leaders the tools to present with power and clarity and authenticity and support. Now, let's get into the chapter. Chapter 10: Finding Self-Trust. I am not fearless, even if it looks like it when I'm speaking. And I have felt my share of imposter syndrome over the years. There have been some big moments in my journey when I've had to challenge myself to think of myself differently. For example, I believed I was a speaker, but only on stages and not on camera. Even as someone who's been on some very big stages, I felt this pull to share my expertise more regularly. I wanted to be seen as an authority in my industry, to establish my own point of view and approach. I wanted to create my own space rather than wait to be invited into other spaces. So in 2014, I considered two options: starting a video show or starting a podcast. I started a podcast. Why? Because the idea of showing my face was a non-starter. It would make me think, "Nope, nope, no way, not gonna do that, mm-mm." Speaking on stage was showing my face in a way that didn't freak me out. That felt like a safe space. I could get vulnerable on stage, but on camera? Whew! That felt unknown and especially vulnerable. The camera work I had done up to that point made me feel like a beginner, like I suddenly didn't know what I was doing. I felt so self-conscious and unsure. No thanks! So a podcast it was. Fast forward about 5 years, I was watching my competitors and other entrepreneurs shifting more towards videos, and I had this sinking feeling: I am going to have to tackle video. I wanted the authority that comes with it. I even dreamed about really rocking it on video, but I didn't want the discomfort of getting there. And I know enough to know you can't shortcut that process.

Boo!

What it took was the courage for me to show up anyway. And now, Years later, I actually like video. I didn't see that coming, but here I am saying so now. I had to have the courage and consistency to simply give it a go, and eventually I started to believe it. I've taken the same path that I see all of my speakers take on their own journey to becoming a speaker and storyteller, and the same one I took years ago to become a speaker as well. With video, I went from a dream, to a challenge, to the hard and sometimes humbling work of giving it a go, to finding my feet again and again, and to finally getting to a place of self-trust and confidence with it. It was the same thing for Tanya. She went from the dream of wanting to be a speaker to finally trusting herself enough, a year and a half later, to use the word speaker. To describe herself. This was long after she had been speaking, but she had finally made the internal shift to embrace it. Let me be clear: once you're at a place of self-trust and confidence, you're not suddenly perfect or always awesome or even always enjoying it. There will be days when you'll go back to the humbling parts to learn something new and find your confidence again. But once you've done it, you know you can do it. But you first have to do it. The belief comes afterward. Doing it anyway, aka courage. Way back in the days of speaking to teenagers, my colleagues and I used to do this skit. We would pretend to be awkward teenagers waiting in front of the school for one of our parents to pick us up, and we'd see someone really cool come by and want desperately to look cool ourselves. All the audience of kids would hear were the voiceovers of what was going on in our heads. And it would go something like this. Oh, oh, here they come. Look cool, look cool. And we put our hands in our pockets. Don't put your hands in your pockets. That's dumb. Putting our hands behind our heads, sniffing our armpits.

Oh man.

Now we put our hands on our hips. Oh man, what am I doing? Some kind of superhero. They would make the kids laugh because it was so, well, accurate. Ugh. Middle school. Our self-consciousness during that time of life as we're putting ourselves out there and risking rejection in such a potent way is painful. And it reminds me so much of what it's like when we're about to speak. In those moments, we are super aware of our bodies and suddenly forget how they work. We wonder if we know what it is that we're talking about, we hate the sound of our voice, and we sweat more than we need. No wonder people avoid speaking even when they have it on their bucket list. That self-consciousness, if we let it, can hold us back from our biggest dreams and most important purpose. It's a particular form of imposter syndrome, and no one's immune to it. But here's the deal: in the same way I told those 7th graders to be themselves and let go of the judgment of others, I tell my speakers every day to be themselves and let go of the judgment of others. Maybe you post your story on social media and it resonates with your followers. Maybe you say yes to that LinkedIn Live request and figure out the tech well enough. Maybe you invite someone else to go live with you and people respond to it. Maybe you go on a podcast and it turns out you have plenty to talk about. Maybe do a virtual summit and find new community members that way, or Maybe you get invited to speak at an event and are seen as an authority. Eventually, you can look back and say, "Look at that! I did it!" And little by little, you can prove to yourself that you belong on stage, even if right now you feel like an awkward teenager. But it requires you to show up first, and to do it consistently, even when you're uncomfortable. Even when you're afraid, even when you're not sure you have what it takes. Here's a pro tip: it's not about showing up at all costs and sharing it all. Taking care of yourself is a must. Your level of showing up and sharing who you are is determined by the level of trust you have with your audience, whoever that might be. But if we let our fears dictate what we do, we'll never put ourselves in a situation of rejection, which means we'll never get better. Rejection and fear are simply a part of speaking our stories. Your job is to move through the fear. We do this all the time when we are taking business risks, and it's no different when we face the challenge and opportunity of getting on stage. But it's not easy, and it can be a powerful barrier if we let it. I like to think of it as the Four Horsemen of the Avoidance, aka the fear of speaking, because they can really haunt us. Number 1: Perfection. You want to wait until things are perfect, as if perfection exists, or you're forever feeling like it's not enough. I promise that your audience doesn't want you to focus on showing up perfectly. Maybe it's the second one: nerves. You feel intimidated and nervous, and you think, "What will they think of me?" But if you can turn that fear into excitement, you can leverage all that powerful energy. Maybe it's number 3, ego and judgment. You think you want to do this, but is that an— even an okay thing to want? It's drawing lots of new eyes onto you, which is great and scary. But you, my friend, get to take up space and share your voice despite the naysayers. Or maybe it's the fourth one: imposter syndrome. You think, "Who even am I to think I can do this?" Well, you are a big deal, and you don't need a book, a zillion followers, or a fancy blazer to make a big impact. Please know this: your discomfort, and even your fear, is a sign that you're growing and creating new realities. It may mean you're learning. It may mean you're even failing, even though I don't use that word in this realm because it actually means you're growing. Every step, every effort, every try or trip, every moment of brilliance or humiliation is the process of moving through discomfort and realizing that you're okay. Even if it didn't feel okay. Every time you step out front and survive, you prove to your body, your self-doubting mind, and your protective brain that you didn't and won't die. Seriously. That's what we're teaching our brains. And the thing is, it's scary to step out front and show up fully. Your body and brain might really show up in discomfort while you do this. All that sweating and shaking and heart palpitating, it's your body trying to protect you. But the more you do it, the more you can prove that you can do it, even if you're not doing it as well as you want to yet. And the faster you'll convince yourself that you've got this. This is how you build towards self-trust and how you become someone who speaks stories. And once you've got self-trust, Well, this wowing on stage thing becomes much easier. The only way is through. And the more you show up, no matter what happens in that moment, the closer you move towards self-trust. Sparks Part 2: Become Someone Who Tells Stories Summary. Part 2 is all about becoming someone who owns their identity as a speaker and storyteller. We are shifting from the safe land of the expert to the more daring, powerful, and courageous identity of speaker and thought leader. Thought leaders are speakers, and this kind of speaker leverages the power of story to shift perspective and move their audience. So beyond the skills required for speaking, the more important shift is the process of becoming. This is about making the internal personal process of finding self-belief, through doing, because it's the only way. Exercises: How to show up anyway and cultivate self-trust. Number 1: Put it in your plan. Mark your calendar with specific times to get visible and share your voice and story, and stick with it even if you're not feeling it in the moment, because the body will find lots of reasons not to feel it in the moment. This requires discipline as well as walking directly into the discomfort. Secondly, embrace the idea of "ready enough" versus feeling "ready." You might never feel ready. There's always more you can do. But since we're not focused on showing up perfectly, the goal is to simply do and learn. Thirdly, Identify the fear and transform it into excitement. Ask yourself, "Is this fear real and actually dangerous, or is it just trying to protect me from something that is a necessary part of the process of connecting with an audience? What would happen if I decided that my fear is actually excitement?" Fear and excitement are nearly identical internal experiences. We simply perceive the feeling differently. Remember that rejection and failure are a natural and expected part of speaking your story. So what if you looked at your fear differently? What if it's actually excitement in disguise? A mantra to help you consistently and courageously speak your stories. Okay, right now, roll your shoulders back, Lift your spine so you're tall and proud. Take a deep breath. And take up more space. It may sound funny, but one of the things I say to my speakers again and again is to take up more space. I say it a lot to women and bigger men, both of whom may be more likely to unconsciously try and take up less space. The truth is, I'm talking about how they hold their bodies physically, but it's also deeper than that. That feeling when we aren't sure whether we belong, or when we're wondering if we really have what it takes. It makes us small. Well, you have what it takes, and you deserve to take up space. Even if you have some skills to learn, You are capable. I promise you that. I've been doing this for a long time. So take a moment. Stand up. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Roll your shoulders back and imagine yourself on your dream stage about to speak your story. Your heart is pounding, and right now you need to remind yourself that you are worthy of this moment. And repeat after me: I am worthy. I am worthy of taking up more space. I am worthy of this moment. It's okay for me to show up. It's okay for me to be at the center of attention. It's okay for me to have something to say and even ruffle some feathers. I matter. My body is powerful exactly as it is right now. My voice, my ideas, and my message matter, and I cannot wait to share them with my audience. As you face your fears about speaking your story, know that you're not going to die. You're just uncomfortable. Fear is along for the ride, but she doesn't get to make the decisions until she finally reveals herself as excitement. Tools and resources. As a part of the Show Up Anyway email series, you'll get an email every morning for 7 days with a prompt for how to show up and speak a story to your audience through social media. These free stages are a powerful platform to practice some of the skills in this book. The key is showing up anyway. You can grab your free Show Up Anyway email series at speakingstory.com. That's the end of this chapter of Speaking Story. If you want to keep listening ad-free, you can find the full audiobook on Audible or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts or on YouTube. And if this chapter stirred something in you, if it shall we say, moved you, let me suggest that you start with the Unspeaker Simple Storytelling Audio Mini Course at sally-zimney.com/unspeaker.

All right, movers.

This moved me. What is moving you? See you next time.