1. How Your Self-Image Shapes Your Porn Consumption (and How to Change It)

Welcome to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast, everybody. My name is Samir Gardner Gardner, and today I'm going to talk about the subject of the self-image. Self-image is something which I've discussed on my YouTube channel time and time again. It is one of these things that if you If you have the self-image, or you have a self-image that is negative, for example, as we will talk, the self-image of an addict, it will have a devastating negative effect on your life, and it will really, really make it harder to quit. Okay, so first, let's just like explain some basic. One of the things we can say about the self-image is that it will dictate how you act. You will react, you will act according to your self-image. Now, it's not to say that you cannot act or you don't make decisions that will be maybe contrary to that self-image sometimes, but we're talking about majority of times you'll act based on that self-image. And of course, your actions will also reinforce that self-image. So for example, if I saw myself as a bodybuilder, now sure, you can be delusional with your self-image. And then because you're delusional, you take action based on that self-image and then it actually becomes who you are on, on the external. But also when it comes to your self-image, when you really think about it, if I give the, the example of a bodybuilder, someone that let's say he's been going to the gym for 1 year and he is gained a lot of muscle, a lot of muscle mass. And now he kind of like sees himself as a bodybuilder because, well, he's in shape and he's consistent. Well, would you agree, okay, that when it comes to certain, like for example, social situations, the bodybuilder, let's say at the restaurant, will probably eat differently than someone that doesn't go to the gym or someone that thinks that they're unfit and that they're out of shape and that they need to go to the gym essentially. Like, for example, if they go to the restaurant— I'm not saying like this is the case for every bodybuilder. You probably know about like one guy that goes to the gym, is in very good shape, and still eats junk food like he doesn't care. But we're talking about like, again, like in most cases, the bodybuilder, what will he do? He will probably try to go for the steak or for the protein. Because that's how he eats. Now, of course, like, there's reasons why he eats this way, and there's reasons why he became a bodybuilder and adopted that self-image in the first place. And so you see how having this— and because, okay, the thing with, with the self-image is that if other people perceive you to be a certain way, then it will make it even easier for you to act according to that. Because think about it, if you say to people "Uh, yeah, I wake up at 5:00 AM." And then suddenly you guys all meet up and you sleep, let's say, at the hotel, and they see you not waking up at 5:00 AM. They'll say like, "Don't you wake up at 5:00 AM? You keep on talking about that." You see, like, you kind of like want to act according to like how others perceive you, but also how you perceive your own self, okay? Now let's go a bit more in depth, okay? In the British Journal of Clinical Psychology. So this was done back in 1983, I believe. There was Nick Eder and Stephen Molnick that they did a study and they found, okay, this is, we're gonna talk about the self-image of an addict and why it is so destructive. But essentially the study found that relapses Okay. Wasn't best predicted by how dependent someone actually was, but by how dependent they believed they were. Let me repeat. The study found that relapses wasn't the best, wasn't best predicted by how dependent someone actually was, but how dependent they believed they were. People who saw themselves as powerless were more likely to relapse, even when the clinical severity was the same. People who saw themselves as powerless were more likely to relapse even when their clinical severity was the same. So this is crucial to understand. The people that really saw themselves essentially as addicts, meaning they believed that they were dependent based on that study, were actually, that was like one of the most influential factors when it came to like their decision to relapse and essentially the frequency as to which they decided to, for example, drink alcohol again or take the drug again. Because here's the issue, okay? If, if self-image is really going to predict, or it's like your self-image essentially dictates how you're going to act because you're going to act according to your self-image and how you see yourself, imagine you have this but for addiction. And this is the case for most people. That watch videos when it comes to quitting porn and so on, and they get told, okay, like, you are an addict. Now I just want you to take a pause and think, what is an addict? What have you been told throughout your childhood about what an addict is? What have you been shown? What have you been like? What was the education around addiction? You'll see that oftentimes Obviously addiction doesn't just have like a negative connotation to it. It is much worse than that. I mean, think about it. What is an addict? Usually being an addict means a lot of things, negative things obviously. But for example, being an addict usually means someone that loses control. Take back, like, I don't know, depending on where you live, but in most cases, especially in Western countries, We get told that addicts, right, uh, we watch maybe the news or maybe through school and so on, that addicts are people that like they lose control over themselves. For example, with drug prevention, we, they talk about like, oh yeah, if you try the drug once, then maybe you're gonna just get addicted on it and then you'll suddenly sacrifice your money, your health, your everything. You might become homeless because you take the drug. And it really like portrays that I did. And I'm not saying like this is not the case, that people don't take drugs, uh, or people take drugs and then they don't become homeless. Like, people do actually like end up in these situations because of their decisions when it comes to taking that drug. But essentially, this is what an addict is. It's maybe becoming homeless because you just make terrible choices, because you lose control over your own self, and that your brain is like hijacked buy the drug. And so really think about it. If you adopt the self-image of an addict, as an addict to porn, usually that also means, well, you're essentially adopting what everything I just said about like, oh yeah, an addict is like the guy that loses control over his own self, that does these bad habits. And it's sad because like, I remember talking to a guy that wanted, I think, coaching. And we talked for like an hour and he told me about how at one point he was in his store, okay? And this is gonna sound very, very bad, but he was in a store and I'm not gonna go into too much details, but he felt like he was going to lose control and that he was going to do something that obviously was illegal. And so when you really think about it, this is the narrative that is around the ditch. And again, I'm not trying to dismantle the idea that, people are addicted or anything. Look, that's another subject for another day. Okay. I do have videos on that on my YouTube channel, but if you adopt the self-image of an addict, that means you're adopting this essentially, that yeah, the type of guy that loses control of his own self, does the wrong decision, doesn't like drops out of school and then doesn't have a stable job and so on. And labeling yourself in general really puts you in a box. Okay. I'll give you a personal anecdote. Now, of course, we're not talking about addiction here, but when I was young, I got told that I have asthma. Now, asthma is this condition, as we know, where essentially, to just simplify it, well, you have trouble breathing if you really do hard exercises. And that was the case. I remember, like, I was just playing hockey Okay. And I would run out of breath. Now, thank God, I do much more than that. I do MMA, things of that nature, which are very heavy on the cardio. I ran a marathon, for example, last year. So I think I'm pretty good in terms of cardio. But anyways, I got told I had asthma because of that. In my childhood, there were instances, despite the fact that I played sports and I did the soccer, aka football for Europeans, I did the hockey, I did the sports, I was good at physical education, I loved it. But because of that, I had like beliefs that sometimes would limit me in terms of what I can do. Therefore, I would not take on opportunities to, for example, try to go for cross-country, which is essentially running short to long distances. And because I thought that essentially I, wouldn't be able to do this. But then in reality, what would happen is I wouldn't practice my cardio. And that's the reason why my cardio was actually bad. Sure, I had asthma. Sure, I had this, this problem, um, that of course would have an effect on me objectively, but I could still train my cardio and get to a point where my cardio is good. Because when we really think about it, people that don't have asthma might have terrible cardio just because they don't practice. Okay. Now, why am I talking about this personal anecdote? Okay, it's really simple. It's because if you really label yourself as an addict, okay, and I'm going to get as to why labeling yourself as an addict is actually based on false information and false beliefs, and that not labeling yourself as an addict despite watching porn might actually be not only beneficial but based on truth. Okay, so let me first explain why you shouldn't label yourself. To label yourself, it's kind of like you're putting illusionary walls. You're telling yourself, okay, yeah, I wish I could do that, but I am like this. And you think, okay, well, I'm an addict, therefore I might be susceptible to this thing. Like I might be, like if there's a beautiful woman that is walking by, well, if I see her, I might react a certain way because now my body is programmed to react this way because I've been doing this for all of these years. I'm basically an addict and maybe I'm gonna come back home and I'm going to just watch porn, right? And it's like, that's my reality. So essentially what happens is not that you don't give up, is that you don't see any other alternatives. You don't see any other options, perceived options. There's a perceived lack of options. What do I mean by that? Well, someone that doesn't label himself as an addict might think, okay, well, yeah, there's this beautiful woman. What can I do? Because yeah, I have this desire. I want to have, let's say, intimacy. But let's say that he wants to wait until marriage. So he's like, well, that's going to take time, but what can I do in the meantime? Well, you might think, okay, well, look, maybe I can work on this specific area of my life, which will maybe help me in getting married. Maybe I can talk to different people that can give me advice on how to get married, at a younger age and not have to wait many years and so on. Or maybe I can just work on this other thing and put my focus and my mental energy on this other thing in my life that will yield me more results instead of just thinking about intimacy and then watching porn, for example. So you see, he thinks of different options and he's rationalizing. When you have this self-image of an addict, what happens is very sad. Essentially what happens is Well, you don't even make— you don't even go through the process of rationalizing. Rather, you just jump to the conclusion of, oh, um, now it's either I watch porn or either I fight myself to not watch porn. And so you don't really rationalize, okay, maybe there's this other option that could be better for me, because you think, no, this is how addicts— like, this is the option that addicts have. Like, they either fight their own urges, their own desires, their own wants, Or they just go and watch porn and then they try again. And so you really put yourself in a box, as you can see. So, and the thing is, that's just self-imposed based on false information, based on these beliefs that you have, based on, oh yeah, this is what maybe you watch, like these videos and, um, on, on YouTube where they talk about like, yeah, I mean, you're an addict and you lose control over yourself and then talk about the The dopamine theory, talking about your neurotransmitter. They might talk about prolactin and so on. And it really, it doesn't confuse you. Uh, I mean, maybe it confuses you at first, but then you're like, well, these people are authorities, right? And we have authority bias, meaning that you're like, okay, well, these people know, uh, what they're talking about. Therefore, what they're saying must be true. Because if someone has either a background or they, they, they are maybe older than you, or they overcame this struggle, right? Then you will be like, oh, well, he's probably saying the truth. Because when we really think about it, do we really want to do our own research and try to like look at different studies and really overthink everything? No, of course not. We'd rather appeal to— I mean, we'd rather just learn from authorities. I don't want to learn, for example, how to cure myself if I'm sick when there's maybe a doctor that could just do it for me? You see what I mean? So it's not like, um, I mean, that's the issue though, because when we talk about quitting porn, we listen to these authorities that say things that, sure, okay, there's aspects of what they say that are true, okay? There's aspects of what they say that might not be true, But then the issue is we get confused about like what, what they're talking about when they talk about the brain. For example, we are not equipped. We don't know much about biology. We don't know much about how the mind works. And so they say, okay, well, your, your brain is hijacked by dopamine and that's why you have these urges and that's why it's so hard. And so they almost create more limiting beliefs and they really put you in that box where you think, okay, well, 'Now, I like— this is why I can't really quit, is because I have these strong urges.' Whilst those that do not really feed themselves such information, they do not fall back into, uh, to, to these reasons and to these, you can say, evidence that, 'Oh yeah, uh, instead of thinking, okay, I have this option, I can not watch porn and do this instead with my life, I can maybe deal with my desire for intimacy that way,' It's like instead they just go straight to PMO. And this is the sad thing when we really think about it. And many people, okay, that overcome addiction— this is based on self-reports, not like an actual study or anything, but there's also studies that will support this claim— but a lot of people claim that a feeling of empowerment rather than a feeling of powerlessness help them, which is purely logical when we really think about it. To feel empowered doesn't mean you feel arrogant. You're like, oh yeah, this desire, this habit, like, ah, I'll never watch it again. Only weak people watch it. No, it's not about thinking in that sense. It's about thinking, yeah, I have this desire, sure, but I can overcome this. Not as in like it's going to be a battle, but as in like I can change myself, I can take different decisions. You can even think, well, God is going to help me and I'm going to rely on God. And so people that instead feel powerless in front of this Well, they say essentially, look, this habit is so powerful that I can't do anything. But in reality, what's happening is you're saying, oh, PMO is so powerful. You're almost giving your power, like of like your ability to choose, your ability to make decisions, your ability to say no, and instead say yes to something else, whatever. And you say, no, PMO is stronger than me. Like I'll give all my power. I can't decide for myself. Be more stronger than me. The desire is going to be stronger than me. And that is the issue. That is the issue. And having that self-image of an addict obviously has an overall negative impact because it really is— I think having the self-image of an addict can be really explained through the fixed mindset. Carol Dweck made a I mean, wrote a book in 2006 called Mindset. Talks about the fixed and the growth mindset, which are, you can say, pretty popular topics when it comes to self-improvement in general. Essentially, the fixed mindset is— I mean, I'll give you an example of what the fixed mindset is. Fixed mindset is, oh, I failed at— let's say, for example, I took this exam and I failed. And because of that, that means that I cannot succeed again. 'that shows my skills, that shows that this is the limits of my abilities.' Whilst the growth mindset is, well, let's say that another guy in the same class takes the same exact exam and he has the same exact grade. Let's say he fails this class and he thinks, 'Oh, okay, this is maybe an opportunity for me to work harder. Okay, I failed, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to fail the rest of the year or that I am a failure. That means that maybe I just need to work smarter next time.' And you see how just that small little mindset shift is going to have a drastic ripple, I mean drastic positive ripple effect on one's life, especially in the long term, also in the short term obviously. And so when you have the self-image of an addict, it's really like you're not interpreting your decision of coming back to porn, what people call a relapse, as a possibility and opportunity to really learn from that and be like, okay, well, what did I think about PMO? Like, why did I watch it in the first place? Should I watch it again next time? And you really like rationalize. Instead, it's really a fixed mindset where it's like you think, oh look, like this happened to me again. That means that I might never ever quit this in the first place. It's almost like you, Obviously this is not like what's happening, but it's almost like you catch a disease. And I mean, you, you obviously you get a disease and the doctor tells you, look, there's not much you can do about it. And because of that, you feel hopeless. You're like, okay, well, I'm— you're, you're slowly but surely almost giving up. And that is the issue. So Carol Dweck in her book talked about the research that she did when she tracked students, uh, over a school year. Okay, so they saw that the, the students that did poorly at first, meaning, um, they did poorly on tests at first but believed that they could improve. Okay, and they compared that to others that did well at first but believed that their intelligence was fixed. Okay, they believed that their intelligence was fixed. The ones who believed they could grow ended up doing better over time, not because they were smarter. Again, they were not smarter, okay? But because they responded better to challenges because of their mindsets. So this is crucial to understand. It's so simple, but really, when we really think about it, what is simple usually works. I mean, not in all cases, but sometimes we just think things are like so simple that we don't even do them because we think we need a fancy solution to a fancy problem, right? It is so simple. And really having this mindset, this self-image of an addict cannot be beneficial to you. And don't— I mean, we can also talk about like how there's different definitions of addiction, okay? The consistency when it comes to addiction is it's not just like One thing people don't think, okay, like for example, addiction is when you, for example, watch porn once a week. No, there's so many different definitions that you labeling yourself as an addict might be you making a mistake. Because when you really think about it, not only is it obviously destructive, but addiction has different definitions. I'll actually talk about this in maybe the next episodes. But when we really think about it, what is addiction? Is it when you watch porn every single day? Is it when you watch it once a month? Is it when it has— and this is what some theories claim— that it has an effect on your social life, your work, your relationships? Or what if it's just when you just watch different jars, aka you do— you, you have like this tolerance where you need more of it in order to feel the same amount of pleasure. But then the question comes, well, what about like the other aspects of life that you have? For example, you build a tolerance to them, okay? For example, it can be food where it's like you eat, for example, a piece of bread and now you want to eat 2 pieces of bread. Okay, even though that's not really something that we see as addictive, or maybe it's video games. But why is it that with video games people manage to move on pretty, pretty easily? But I'm going to talk about this, this topic on the next episode. I hope this was helpful. This is the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. I'm your host Samir Gardner Gardner, and I'll see you in the next episode.