13. Why You Feel Addicted (It’s Not What You Think)

Welcome back to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. My name is Samir Gardner, and today we're going to talk about why you feel addicted. Now we're going to focus a bit more on a famous— or we can say famous within the porn addiction space— research from Dr. Joshua Grubbs from the University of New Mexico. One of the things that we need to understand is to feel addicted and addiction itself are two completely different things. What do I mean by that? If I feel a certain type of way, does that mean that this thing is true? So for example, if I feel like, if I add, like, let's say for example, let's create something. Let's say that I have a dream about something supernatural related to faith. Okay, so I have a dream where in my dream I see some type of, let's say, idols. Okay, let's use that as an example. And I get this, you can say, subjective experience. Does that mean that objectively this thing is true? Like, okay, this means that this is the truth. We need to kind of make the distinction between feelings and reality. It's not to say that feelings are not real. It's not to say that, okay, you got this subjective experience, it's just, it's in your mind. Like there's nothing about it that's really important. It's rather to say, okay, can we look at actual evidence to determine if this thing is true rather than just basing our own subjective experience that can be influenced by other factors that we are not aware of. So let's talk about this research. So Dr. Joshua Grubbs did a research and you can read the research. I reread it this morning where I'll just sum it up because I don't think that the method and the process overall, like what they did is that interesting and it will probably confuse most of you guys. Um, so what they found out is that the strongest predictor of whether someone actually feels addicted to pornography is not how much porn they watched, it's not the frequency, it's not okay, they didn't watch it like 7 times this week, or did they watch it 5 times this month. It is— and we're talking about people that identify as addicts What actually is the strongest predictor? It's how morally wrong they believe it is. It's how morally wrong they believe it is. So religiosity and moral disapproval of pornography were the strongest predictors of perceived porn addiction to internet pornography. Now let me just preface this by saying that I— of course, this is like secular research, so oftentimes researchers in, in that space will not hold the, the perspective that some of you guys listening might hold, as I hold that view myself, that, okay, porn and masturbation are not things that are just healthy and normal to do. And yeah, if you do it with your partner, it's, it's cool. I won't judge people that do those things. I'll never judge anyone when it comes to these issues or to these preferences. But I believe in our older view that it is objectively, it is morally wrong because of believing in God and what God has forbidden. But it is still interesting to really look at the actual research because we can learn from it. And in that study, in that, uh, in that research, what we can see is this kind of like cognitive dissonance that people have where they, they're like, okay, I'm watching porn, but it goes against my morals, creates this, uh, sense, this, uh, you can say sensation or this belief that they are addicted to porn. For those that do not really hold the perspective that, okay, porn is bad, or maybe they don't believe in God, or maybe they don't believe that this is morally wrong, or it's wrong in and of itself, then they do not feel addicted, which is very interesting. Because when we really think about it, most of the research— I'll just briefly call this out, but, and this is debatable— but most of the research, when we look at research, it's often biased. Like, okay, we have porn addiction Okay, and I would be actually on that side, but the researchers that make these studies and research about, okay, you're addicted to porn, for example, and they bring proof that it changes your brain and so on, oftentimes, and this is also the case on the other side, that they are biased, meaning that they have certain beliefs and certain morals and values just like the ones that we have. And they say, okay, well, we'll do this research to prove our beliefs, to prove our morals. So let's prove that porn is an addiction because porn is morally wrong, okay? And there's nothing you can say. I mean, you could argue that this is the wrong approach because it's better to believe that you're not addicted, that you're not going to lose control. But people do this out of the best interest, right? To help people. But what we need to understand is this belief that we are addicted and how we feel like we're— and the reason why we feel like we're losing control over our own selves is not because of porn itself, it's because of the disapproval that we have of porn. We can't fathom to think, why am I doing something that I'm so strongly against? This is the dilemma that people face, and this is why they conclude that, oh, maybe they're just addicted. Because what is the explanation? Why am I doing something that I believe in my heart is wrong? It's immoral, it's bad for me. Not just like from a non-secular perspective, not just from a religious perspective, but also it is not benefiting me whatsoever. And so people kind of, you can say, make that mistake where they misattribute or they falsely conclude, oh, this is not because I wanna do it. This is not because I did it just rationally. No, this is because I am addicted. So that comes with a host of problems. If a guy that believes in his self-image is I am an addict to porn, imagine he walks down the street, and he sees a beautiful woman that is wearing revealing clothing, let's say, and he finds himself looking at her. What happens most oftentimes is he thinks, oh, here's my addiction. Oh, look, I'm losing control over my own self. Why am I looking at her? I shouldn't be looking at her. So the first thought is, this is because I'm addicted. This is because I've consumed too much porn. This is because, "My brain is rewired." Now, of course, he might not think these explicit thoughts, but it's something along those lines. And sometimes it's a bit more buried because this is almost becoming automatic, automatic, where the moment he sees a beautiful woman, he believes that he's gonna lose control over his own self because he got told that he is an addict. So you see where the issue here is. Whenever he sees a beautiful woman, And that can be, of course, especially on social media where we often hear, oh, I got triggered on social media. I saw an Instagram model and then I clicked on her page and then she had an OnlyFans and then I click on the OnlyFans and then I found myself then on porn. I hear these stories all of the time and I've been there before, so I can completely understand that. But we can see how the idic self-image plays a strong, like there's a strong influence on the actions that the individual will take and how they will interpret whatever they see. Because when they see an Instagram model, let's say on Instagram, that is wearing little to no clothing, let's say, they think, oh, I'm being triggered. Oh, dopamine. Oh, urges. Oh, temptations. But On the flip side, someone that doesn't identify as a porn addict, as someone that will lose control over his own self, his own self, his thought pattern is going to be much different. How he's going to think, how he's going to interpret things is going to be much different. For example, maybe when he sees that same exact woman, let's say the guy that is a porn addict and the other guy that watches the same amount of porn but doesn't identify as a porn addict sees that same exact woman, right? They're in the mall and they see that same exact woman. Maybe he's going to think, oh, she's beautiful. Oh, she's very attractive. I mean, I would want to have a partner like this. Let's say that's his thinking. Well, he thinks like that, but then he can rationalize and be like, Yeah, but you know what? Let me not look at her. I'm just gonna take one look and then I'll stop looking because I don't wanna be like a creep, or I'd rather stay focused and this is going to distract me too much. So you see how there is the possibility to rationalize in this thinking pattern. Whilst for the former individual, the porn addict, quote unquote, there's no rationalization. There's no, oh, "yeah, she's attractive, but let's not look at her. This is sinful." No, it's, "Oh no, I'm losing control over myself. Oh no, let me force myself to not look." So that guy that is an addict also, I forgot to add this, will probably feel some type of fear also, will probably feel some type of negative emotions like, "Oh no, I should be worried that I'm being triggered again. I might go watch porn." when I come back home, because the last time I saw such a woman, I went and I had this tension, right? And he uses these porn recovery, how do you say it, like words like these, like, I forgot the word, but uses these words that the porn recovery movement usually use, like, oh, I got tension, and then there was, I felt so tense sexually that I had to release, so I went back home, so I fear this is going to happen again. And so you see how he kind of limits himself because he thinks, okay, well, this happened last time, but also I believe that I'm out of control. Like I'm going to lose control if I see a woman like this and that she will trigger me. So it's this external locus of control. Everything is based on the external. Okay. She is triggering me. Okay. There's, this tension that I feel within my body, therefore I might release. It's all of that control, all of that free will is just thrown to the side. And the individual says, and he doesn't say this out of, uh, malintention, it's not because he just wants to, like, let's say for example, excuse his behavior, but he believes that this is the reality, that he can't really do much about it because that's how he's wired now because he watched too much porn. But on the flip side, the other guy thinks, okay, well, yeah, let me rationalize. And he feels calm because if he's rationalizing, if he doesn't feel that fear, then if he's not worried because he doesn't think that he's an addict or that he's going to lose control, therefore he doesn't feel stressed, he doesn't feel anxious, worried, doesn't feel fear. Then as he's rationalizing, usually when you rationalize, that means like you're calm, you're connected, you're just like, okay, yeah, let me negotiate with my thoughts. That's the wrong word to use, but let me just rationalize. Let me just have this internal dialogue. Okay. Yeah, she's beautiful, but yeah, maybe I can— of course it depends on his morals and values, but maybe he's going to be like, okay, well maybe I'll use that as a motivation to work harder on myself so I can attract such type, such, such kind of woman. Or maybe I'll— and of course, This is, again, it depends on morals and values, but an individual might think, okay, well, let me get better at talking to women or so I can maybe do something. Okay. Let's say that is desire is just to sleep around, but someone that is religious, let's say in that instance might think, and this is how I would suggest people think, well, okay. There's this beautiful woman. Let me just like, okay, she was in front of me. Now I'm not going to look at her, but Yeah, maybe this is a sign for me to work on myself so I can be married and satisfy my desire for intimacy that way. That can be one way to think about it. But you see how identifying as an addict comes with a host of limiting beliefs. And this is what also, well, when we really think about it, this is the mistake that people make. This one I wanna go back on. This moral incongruence of, okay, I, I'm doing something that goes against my morals and values. I have no way of explaining that besides adopting this idea that most people are suggesting over the internet nowadays, which is, well, I'm addicted. Because how, why would I be doing this? Why would the same person be doing this? So this is what I want you to reflect on, okay? Are you just Maybe identifying as an addict because you're like, okay, there's no way I'm doing this. Because the reality is there are always reasons as to why you wanna do this, but you gotta be honest with yourself and really see, okay, what are those reasons? What is underneath that? You don't go to, for example, let's say to a pharmacist, okay? Because you feel sick. And let's say that, let's say that you, you keep on throwing up, okay? The pharmacist is not going to say, "Oh yeah, Samir Gardner Gardner, you need to stop throwing up. Like, get on this streak of not throwing up and you'll feel better." No, like, he doesn't say you'll cure your problems by stopping. Instead, he tries to understand what's really going on. Oh, okay, you ate that food. Oh, okay, uh, you take this medication. This is what's potentially creating this, um, issue, this sickness. We need to do the same with PMO. It's not about, oh, I watch too much porn, let's just stop porn. Why are you watching porn? Is it because you feel like you're hopeless. You'll never have a partner in your life, and you think, okay, well, porn is the only type of sexual experience I'll ever get in my life. There's no way I'll get a prostitute. There's no way I'll even get a woman anytime soon because I have no confidence. I have nothing to show for myself. You know, you need to be honest like that. Like, okay, what is it that's actually going on? And then once you become aware of that, it'll be much easier for you to realize, okay, actually I am doing this for these reasons. Now let me really reflect on like what actually I could do about this. Okay. I don't think I can get any situation better. Okay. Is there something I can do like in terms of maybe actions or maybe I can work on myself so I can feel confident and in the near future I'll have maybe a partner if I can do this. And then suddenly you see there's another option. You don't have to watch porn anymore. So guys, really think like that and do not just adopt and label yourself such, I would say, very destructive ideas like, I am a porn addict. And it's not about having an ego. It's not about being arrogant in any shape or form. But I do not believe that identifying as a porn addict— and I think this is what a lot of people do— is a form of humility. So it is something that you do because you're like, well, let me just be honest with myself. Like, I, I, I've been watching it so many times. Like, let me not lie to myself. Let me not just pump up my ego and say, no, I'm not addicted. I, uh, I, I just do it out of, uh, I don't know why to do it, whatever. Because a lot of people, they, they kind of like also adopt that label because they— and I see this because I've been talking to so many guys struggling with porn over the past few years, and I kind of see it like, oh yeah, well, sometimes it's almost rewarded in a sense of, okay, if you identify as a porn addict, sometimes other people will say, okay, look, like, this guy is going through it, like, he's, uh, poor him, like, okay, like, this is I don't want to use that word, but a victim. So you almost get rewarded for it. Of course, it's not the biggest reward that you get, but you still get some type of praise or some type of empathy. So you need to be aware of these things. And really, the number one thing is just being honest with yourself and to not just slap labels on yourself, except if they're they're going to empower you. But to have this label of, oh, I am a porn addict, that doesn't really empower you, and that just makes you feel powerless. So this is it for this episode, and I'll see you guys in the next episode.