8. Why You Oversexualize Women (And How to Stop)

Welcome to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. My name is Samir Gardner, and today we're going to go over how to get rid of lust. How can we stop objectifying women? How can we stop sexualizing them? This is something I get asked about all of the time. I just got asked about it today. Therefore, I want to make a video or a podcast that you can listen to right now, and I'm gonna make a video afterwards on that topic so that you can really learn how to actually get rid of it. Because most people think it's either impossible or most people go about it the wrong way. If they believe that it's possible, they really go about it the wrong way. So I really need to go over what is the right way to go about it. How can we actually go about it so that we can actually make it a fortress for us to not, for example, look at women lustfully in public, to not, for example, objectify them in our minds. So let's do it. Now, first, I just want to preface this by saying that to want to have intimacy with the opposite sex, to find the opposite sex physically appealing, sexually attractive, doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. And that it's actually something completely natural. Sometimes people go to an extreme. They go from, oh, I'm— let me objectify every single woman I see because I'm a man full of testosterone, to going to the other extreme of I shouldn't even think that women are attractive. I shouldn't even think that I want to have intimacy with this specific type of woman. So it's good to understand that it's not black and white. It's more a question of how do you want to think of women? How do you want to perceive them? Do you want to look at them and most of the time not really objectify them, meaning like you don't really want to put them on a pedestal, and instead you want to find them still like attractive, but that doesn't mean you need to look at them. Like you gotta really have clarity around how do you want to deal with that? What is your like according to your morals and values and what do you want in life, what will be the best way to go about looking at women? Now of course, for me personally, I'll give my personal example. For me, I believe that to look at women, especially if you're talking about looking at the woman's body, is something which I abstain from. Now of course, if they're in front of me and I do not want to, and I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but if they're in front of me and they're I can't look anywhere else, then I'll just do my best to not look at them. Now also, when it comes to thinking lustfully, things of that nature, I think, okay, if I'm visualizing a future where I'm like, I have a family, if I visualize a part of that as, or like, let's say a scene in that, which is going to be like, for example, me being intimate with my, future wife, then for me, that's no problem. It's a problem though when it starts to be something which I just do compulsively— and not compulsively, but I do for a prolonged period of time. Something I do for over 30 seconds, for over a minute, and I gain nothing out of it but to distract myself. And it's like mental masturbation because you visualize yourself doing something you want to do right now, and then you feel as if you're doing it, but you're not doing it, obviously. So this is how I say it. So most oftentimes I'll say, especially compared to how I used to be, I don't really think about intimacy. It's something I rarely do, okay? It's something I really rarely do. Now, of course, if I do, then it's not gonna be something which I go and do it, let's say, for example, for 5 minutes straight, okay? It's just a passing thought most oftentimes. It's just a passing thought. I think about it and I'm like, okay, no, I mean, there's no point. And I'm going to make another podcast soon on how to deal with thoughts, but the previous podcast did talk about how to deal with flashbacks, how to deal with habitual thoughts. But it's really important to understand, okay, like for me, for example, I, according to my morals, believe that if it's just a passing thought, if it's just something that crosses my mind, I think about something like my future family and goals and it's passing, um, on my mind, I might think about it for a very, very short time, but then I just let it pass. Okay, same thing with other things. If I think about my goals, I think about it for a short period of time and then I just let it pass because I think it's better for me to do what will be required, like the work, whether that be to go to the gym or to go and build relationships with other people, to have a better relationship with my family, to do these things, to take action essentially than it is to go and just fantasize about these things. Because I understand the illusion bit behind fantasizing, that it feels like it's a substitute, but it really isn't. But of course, that requires debunking, and I have a video if you want to watch it on my YouTube channel called Debunking Pleasure Part 2. Highly suggest you watch it. Anyways, let's get into it. How to get rid of love How to stop oversexualizing women? Most people ask the question how, but it's not how. Why are we asking the question how? Because, okay, it's not me, it might sound like I'm passive-aggressive, but I'm not trying to be. But look, to not objectify women or to not look at them sexually. The how is just that you stop doing it. We're not asking how, like, how would be like, okay, I don't know how to set up a website. Okay, you need this software. Okay, you need to go and follow these exact steps. You have a how. You need to follow the how. It's not just Okay. Um, why? It's like, yeah, I know you want to build a website, but, uh, and why you want to build a website, but you don't know how. Okay. That's understandable. But here to ask how, it's not the right question to ask. I'll again use the question that I've used for the past 2+ years. In my course, in my videos, that really allows people to think twice about how, because to say, how do I stop doing this? It's implied that there's something that's really outside of your control. It's really like when we take the website, for example, like there's external factors that you need to know of, there's things you need to do externally externally. But that's not the case when it comes to lust. Now, sure, to a certain extent, to, for example, put yourself in a room full of women and then be like, okay, how do I stop? Like, okay, get out of that room. But here we're talking about a different subject. We're talking about how to stop oversexualizing them in our minds. How do we stop objectifying them? So what is the real question then? The real question is why. Now I know you're jumping off to like, okay, I know my reasons why, I know the benefits, I know the value of not looking at them lustfully. No, you don't. And again, I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive. I'm going to repeat this all of the time, but I'm not trying to be tough with you by telling you this. I am trying to really help you see, okay, actually this is where I'm falling short here. Therefore, I can really make progress and make it effortless for me to move on from this. The individual who is, let's say for example, religious, like very religious. I'm not talking about like just externally, but like internally, meaning that you know, okay, this guy, even if no one is seeing, and you tell them, okay, like, do this, do this just minor sin and I'll give you $1 million, and no one is seeing, like no other persons, right, is going to maybe— and I'm talking about a very religious person again, someone with very strong faith— probably is not even going to do that minor sin to get that $1 million. Why? This is the question. Now you take someone that is a bit more lukewarm in his faith, meaning he believes, but it's more like he's born inside of his religion, or he's just got— what, that's how he was brought up. And yeah, he knows it's good to pray. Yeah, he knows it's good to be close to God. Yeah, he knows it's good to not cheat or to sin and so on. But you kind of propose to him the same thing. Okay, if I give you $1 million, but you just do this one minor sin, what do you think he's going to do? He's going to do and go on for the $1 million and to sin, to do the minor sin. Now that might also be like not a big deal for you listening, or that might be a huge deal for someone listening, depending on your knowledge when it comes to this. And it's not like you're better because you have more knowledge, you're worse because you have less knowledge. That's not what I'm trying to imply, okay? Instead, what I'm trying to say is the guy that is religious— and this is what you can learn from this— the guy that is religious, in that exact instant, what does he think? He thinks, oh, for me to be— okay, and this is just— these are just examples, but you'll see how this really works— for me to be presented with such tests where I'm presented with either you do a minor sin and I'll give you $1 million. It's a test which I know God is truly seeing. I know God will see me at all times, and because the stakes, because the reward is so big, God might actually give me something much better, whether it be here or or in the hereafter. On top of that, maybe just by denying that offer, that proposition, his faith is going to grow maybe stronger right there, right in that moment, because he did something extremely hard, at least hard for most people. Maybe by denying this offer that comes from this specific guy, he knows that maybe he can get that guy closer to God just by using that example. So you see how this guy is not gaining nothing He's not getting nothing. He's getting something that is much more valuable than $1 million to him. Sure, if there were no sins, then of course he would probably take the $1 million and maybe he would have done something great with that. Maybe charity, maybe helped his family, whatever, it doesn't matter. But for him, based on his knowledge, knowledge, okay, and based on his level of conviction, his level of conviction, is able to see much more value in denying that $1 million and therefore be left with nothing physically, quote-unquote physically, than to take that $1 million itself, which most people would jump and would maybe even say something blasphemous Maybe something also that would be even worse than that for that same exact offer. And this again is not just to say, okay, the guy that's religious is the best. No, this is just showing conviction and knowledge is what actually matters here. It's not how do I not accept the offer of $1 million, It's why do I decide to not take the $1 million? What would I gain from it? Huh. Now on the flip side, why do people objectify women? Why do people lust over women? Very simple. Because they want to. Because they want to. Yes. We need to really be honest with ourselves. We need to really be honest with ourselves. What do I mean by that? What we resist will always persist. We heard that many, many times. You'd probably know it from personal experience. I've been there before. You see a beautiful woman that's half naked, or maybe on Instagram, maybe in the public, maybe at the gym. And you're like, man, I really, really like her. Oh my God, imagine I have intimacy with her. Let's be honest, that's what maybe you're thinking, or maybe you're thinking something that's more related to being in a relationship with her, whatever. And you're like, okay, man, I really want to do this, but no, why am I thinking this? No, let me suppress these thoughts. No, no, I shouldn't engage with this. No, this is morally wrong. You try to suppress, you resist, you resist, you resist. Guess what happens after a few hours or after a few days? Boom, you just give in. It doesn't work to deny yourself that you have this desire. To admit that you actually have this desire doesn't work. And on the flip side, the moment you're honest, the moment you admit that, yes, I actually want to indulge in it. You might think, okay, if I admit it, if I actually say yes, I really want to do it, it's going to make me want to do it even more. Completely wrong. Try it out. Completely wrong. It will do the exact opposite. The moment you are honest with yourself, you're like, okay, yeah, I actually want to do it. What do I actually want out of that? Let me be honest with myself. What is it that is so special? And again, you don't want to like force a specific type of answer or to again deny yourself that you want specific things. You want to be like, okay, yeah, I really want this. I really want this. But why? Let me be honest. Like, what are the reasons? The moment you're honest and you really dig in, you're like, okay, I really want this because of this exact reason. Okay. But why do I want this exact reason? And then you again ask the same question for the answers that you get. And that will be the base that will allow you to really find, you can say, the root of this. Now here's the thing, a lot of people on the flip side, because it's important to know why you do it, but it's also important to understand it's actually a bit more important to understand why you don't want to do it anymore. Because if you have a really strong reason why I'm saying like the $1 million, for example, like if I say to you, okay, I give you $1 million, but you can't objectify, you can't sexualize women for another, let's say, for example, let's make it realistic because of course you're going to have like passing thoughts and maybe sometimes you're not really conscious of what you're thinking about. But let's say for more than 1 minute, you can't, sexualize a woman in your mind for more than 1 minute. You can't think about a woman in that way for more than 1 minute. But if you do, then you'll have to give back that $1 million. You'll lose that $1 million. In that example, would you really end up losing control over your own self because you don't know how? Or would that $1 million AK, that strong reason why, and it's so valuable to pretty much all human beings except if you're rich or except if you really don't care about money. But for most people, that $1 million, would you really end up losing control of yourself because you don't know how to stop objectifying women? Think about it. I'm letting you time to think. You might be asking, okay, so how do I create that $1 million slash why that's going to make me just say, okay, I'm never going to do it again. Most people, they say, for example, okay, and I'll show you where people fall short. It's that they say, I want to do it, for example, for God. And they are men of faith. They want to get closer to God. You can tell, like, they actually practice, they pray, and so on. Sometimes they might be more lukewarm. Sometimes they might be even a bit more righteous But at the same time, sometimes— and I've talked to many people like this, and this is just one out of many examples or many reasons— but they think, yeah, I want to get closer to God, but I also think that I'm a lost case. I've been doing that for years. I feel like an hypocrite. I'll probably just come back again and again. I'll probably just struggle again and again. Therefore, what happens? That why with that $1 million, or just that reason why, is nullified. It's not worth anything. You don't even think you're going to get that. You don't even think you'll get closer to God because you'll think that you're going to come back and do the same exact sin. It's not a question of the sin here, it's a question of how, and it's a question of your beliefs here, okay? And sometimes people's reasons are just based on what they hear from other people. Oh yeah, because quitting porn, quitting this will make me more productive, therefore be more successful. But then they don't really know how it works, meaning they don't know, okay, why is it that my focus will increase the moment I quit this specific habit? Or on the flip side, it can be something along those lines of, okay, I want to stop because I want to heal my brain. But what does that look like? What does that even mean? And we don't even know, we don't even understand what's really behind that. Okay, so this is really important to understand. And when we have those surface-level reasons, and this is what we see within the NoFap space oftentimes, They say, okay, I really want to quit because it makes me feel bad. Okay. But why is it that you want to stop feeling bad? It got to be deeper than that. Or they say, okay, it's so, so I can stop being a dopamine junkie. But let's say that you were a dopamine junkie. Why would it matter? Why would it actually matter deep down? You need to really ask yourself the real questions. Why would it matter deep down that you are a dopamine junkie? How does that even matter at the end of the day? You're on your deathbed. Why would that even matter? You, you, let's say you are towards the end of your life and you look back, why would that even matter? Or you're in the area, they're hereafter, you believe in God, you think that you want to go to paradise, why would that even matter that you are a dopamine junkie now? It can't just be surface level reasons. It can't just be because I'm addicted, because it's ruining my life. It's ruining your life, okay, but why does it matter that it's ruining your life? Why does ruining your life matters to you? That's the real question you need to ask. I know it sounds like it's dumb, but it actually is what's important. And Viktor Frankl talks about this in his book. He talks about like how you can go through suffering and make the suffering almost, I wouldn't say necessarily like physically pleasurable, but mentally it feels almost fulfilling, meaningful, because you think you're getting something much deeper than that. Viktor Frankl, when he was in the concentration camps in World War II, What happened is he was under so much pain, so much suffering, but then he had the thought of, oh, when I'll be back, because he was basically like a, let me simplify it, like a psychologist, like a doctor. And he knew that, okay, when I'll go through this, I'll be able to tell my story and inspire so many people and change the lives of so many people. And I'm paraphrasing him here. I'm being able to have an impact and leave a legacy behind. Just by going through this experience and then teaching it to people in universities. So the pain wasn't just like, oh yeah, I want to get rid of pain because it's uncomfortable. The pain was, I'll be able to leave an impact. That's what the pain meant to him. So the real question is, just like I gave you this example right now of Viktor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning. He was gaining in that exact moment the pain that he was facing in that exact moment, not just in the future, but in that exact moment. He was gaining hope. He was feeling like, okay, I am becoming more of a— and again, I'm just like interpreting what he says, but I'm gaining like the opportunity to go and become, for example, the guy that would really inspired the youth, the people at universities. That was meaningful. He was gaining that in that moment. And I remember when it comes to objectifying women and sexualizing them, I remember what really helped me the most was when I watched a very random video talking about just basic benefits of sexual transmutation, I believe. And he was saying Some— the guy in the video, he was saying something along the lines of, when you don't look at women lustfully, and this really, really resonated with me, and of course it might not resonate with you, but there are other things that will resonate with you even more. But he said something along the lines of, every single second, every single time that you don't look at women lustfully in public, you don't look at them, what happens is that you are actually retaining— and I know this sounds a bit like esoteric, but you are gaining more of that sexual energy. You are transmuting it. And of course, I don't agree with such languages, but essentially saying you will be focused more on your projects. Women will actually find you more attractive because you don't look at them and put them on a pedestal. And you will spend more time developing yourself through your workout, through your business, your projects, your career. Your focus is not going to be to the side because you think about women and then it saps your mental energy and so on. And I was— I just realized in that moment, so I'm not just gaining nothing and I'm not just like, oh, I'm doing it because I think in the future God will reward me for it. I was now thinking God will reward me and give me more in that exact moment every single time I decide to do this. I was also thinking, okay, now I would have more mental energy, more mental space to then work on my projects later on and then therefore leave an impact on the world and do all of these meaningful things. I also, it also meant that I was maybe able to overall become, you can say, more attractive to the opposite sex because I was one of the only ones not doing it. Therefore, if I wanted to, let's say, let's say that was my desire to, because it was at that time actually, to just like impress a woman, well, I would just be, I just have to do this to just not look at them. So I'm gaining that in that exact moment. That's what I think I'm getting. And so I'm not, again, I'm gaining something in that exact moment, not just in the near future and having like this ambiguous or like these vague ideas of like how it would benefit me. No, I have clarity that I'm gaining this in that moment. The moment I decide to turn my head and not look at a woman because she's dressed in a bikini, for example, let's say that was to happen in public for whatever reason, then I know I'm actually also and right now this is more my mindset, I'm staying closer to God, therefore my faith is going to increase in that exact moment because it's like I'm passing a test. That's my belief at least. I'm also overall able to have more of that mental energy. It's like I'm gaining XP in a video game. This is the best analogy. When you are in a video game going to a challenge or you're just playing the game overall, you gain XP so your character evolves. And that's how I think. I think I'm gaining XP, my character is evolving every single time I decide to not make that decision. So again, it's not just an idea in the future, a vague idea, it's something I'm gaining right now, okay? So really, suddenly, the moment you really have like those strong reasons, you have like clarity around them. And you know that they are something that are within reach and they can happen like right now, the moment you make that decision. It's not a question of discipline anymore. It's not a question of how and then trying to fight off your own desires. It's you just wanted to see this because you see the value immediately in not lusting. Okay, this is why people of faith, again going back to the first example, have an easier time not lusting, not doing these things. So this is it for this episode. I hope this was helpful, and I'll see you guys in the next episode.