7. The Truth About Intrusive Thoughts (And Why You’re Not Broken)

Welcome to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. My name is Samir Gardner Gardner, and today we're going to talk about how to deal with flashbacks and unwanted intrusive thoughts. So this is going to be a short episode. I'm really going to give you the gist of how we go about this. How can we really deal with these thoughts so that they do not bother us and also so that the desires that we might have because of these thoughts, or at least we think it's because of these thoughts, can be reduced or eliminated. So let's first understand the phenomenon, let's call it like this, or this concept called the ironic process of the mind. And this is coming from a psychologist, Daniel Wigner, in 1994. Where he realized and he studied that if we try to not think of something, we actually end up thinking more of that thing. We actually end up spending more time just having that specific thought. Like, there's going to be more— we're going to think about that thought much more than if we were to not really care. And if you were to not really care about trying to fight it off. And we see this especially, for example, when it comes to people that have specific desires which society or which, for example, you know, environments would disagree with. So if someone is homosexual, let's take it to that. Let's take that example. If someone has homosexual tendencies or something a bit more like, okay, he likes, let's say, women and men, oftentimes they try to just suppress that, especially if it might go against their own morals and values if they're a man of faith, for example. And so they try to suppress it, they try to fight it off. And as I've talked about in previous episodes as well as YouTube videos, when we try to suppress a specific thought, our brain actually gets tired. This is from a neuroscientific perspective. Our brain actually gets tired, and we call this phenomenon the ego fatigue. We try to suppress something so much that we just end up giving in. Or what you resist will always persist. And therefore, you're going to be more likely. It doesn't mean that you're going to go and do it and you're going to be forced to indulge in whatever behavior or indulge in whatever desire, but you're just going to be more likely. And it makes sense. Now, what Daniel Wiggin or what this psychologists came up with was that, okay, like if you spend, let's say you say, for example, try to not think of a carrot, try to not think of anything that is related to carrots for 5 minutes. If I were to put you to that test, okay, and if you were to do it, then you can do it right now. You can pause this podcast and just try to not think for 5 minutes or even just 2 minutes. Try to not think of carrots. Can you do it? You will see how it's literally impossible. It's almost impossible. The thought of, "Let me not think of carrots," makes you think of carrots in and of itself. So how we go about flashbacks when we have a thought that is passing by, we want to just— and this is very simple— we want to interpret our thoughts differently. We want to understand our thoughts because if I try to fight them off because I think that this is an attack. I interpret it as an attack from the devil. Sure, okay, I do. From my perspective and also from a religious perspective, we all know that the devil can have a certain influence. The devil doesn't go and take your hand or doesn't take over your body and makes you do certain things that will be immoral. But there can be obviously some influence, certain things you are suggested, but this is the supernatural, therefore it's very hard for us to go over that topic. So let's just explain the psychological side to this. So if I have a thought like, oh, this beautiful naked woman, or oh, this porn scene that I watch, or oh, I am thinking of a specific type of porn that I know other people would think I'm a deviant if I were to consume that type of porn again. If I interpret that as, oh look, I'm still addicted, I'm still struggling with this, I'm still maybe, maybe I'm still going to come back to this, then what's going to happen is, guess what? You're going to start panicking. You're going to try to fight it off more, which means what? Which means you're going to think about it more, which means that it's going to be in your mind even more. Therefore, if it's in your mind even more and what you resist persists, at one point you will think about it so much that you will desire it almost. And then you'll be like, you know what, let me just do it. Or maybe you'll feel so much stress, anxiety around that, that you're going to be like, I want to relieve my stress and anxiety. I'm tired of feeling that way. And then maybe your way to cope with stress and anxiety is to indulge in that same exact thing, that same exact fetish, that same exact desire. Do you see why it is very important to interpret your thoughts differently? You need to understand that we have over 6,000 thoughts on a day-to-day basis. This is coming from a recent study done at a Canadian university. I do not have it pulled up in front of me. I've talked about it in previous videos, but we have over 6,000 thoughts on a day-to-day basis. 6,000. Some other studies that were done in the past claim that we actually had more than 10, 20, 30,000 thoughts on a day-to-day basis. To say that we have full control over them, to say that we have full control over our thoughts that are passing by is really a misunderstanding that we really need to be careful of. Because if we think, oh, I am the one creating this, which, okay, sure, if you are creating this, because let's say, for example, you are, let's say you decide to fantasize for 5 minutes straight about sex. This is under your control 100%. How you react to these thoughts are under your control. The thoughts and how they are emerging, they're just like passing by. It's not within your control. Sure, you can argue that they were influenced by other things that maybe you desire. Yeah, sure, maybe you want to indulge in that specific fetish. Maybe you think about that specific sport because maybe you enjoyed it last time, therefore you may think about it for a specific reason. But you don't really know the reason. Hence why I suggest that you actually, and this is a very simple tip, and simple works, simple always works, to not care about these thoughts anymore. To say, you know what? It's outside of my control. Would it actually benefit me to fight them off? And on the flip side, would it benefit me to not care about them? Because a lot of people ask, Okay, but Samir Gardner, how can I not care? How can I not think about porn anymore? How? It's not a question of how, it's a question of why. It's not a question of how, it's a question of why. Why would you not care anymore? What would you gain out of that? For example, I always give this very simple example of if someone cuts you off in traffic, What do you gain out of feeling angry at them? Now, sure, you might be like, you're gaining nothing, you just get mad. No, no, no, you gain things. Let's be honest. In that moment, yeah, they might be irrational if you say them out loud, but if you're honest with yourself, maybe to be angry and to scream at that other person will allow you to, maybe it's an opportunity for you to express yourself and you feel like you're justified in that instance. Maybe it's an opportunity for you to really let go of certain emotions, to let go of certain problems, and you want to take it out on someone else. And you need to be honest with these reasons. These are the benefits. These are the things that you're gaining out of feeling angry, for example. But then on the flip side, we never really ask ourselves, but why? What would I gain out of not feeling angry? Okay, the same guy cuts me off in traffic, does the same exact thing. What could I gain from not really caring? I'll give you a personal example. If that were to happen to me, one of the things which I've researched about, like when it comes to the reason, when it comes to the benefits of not feeling angry when something, let's say, triggers me in that sense, I realized, okay, well, if I don't feel angry if someone cuts me off in traffic, I'm going to have more mental energy. I'm going to have more focus. Therefore, because these are still like surface-level reasons, we want like a bit more like meaningful and stronger reasons. But therefore, I'm going to have more mental energy, more focus for my business, for my projects, for my coaching, for my goals. Therefore, the likelihood that I achieve these things and that I leave an impact on the world and I do what's really meaningful to me, to help those around me is actually going to be higher. And now certainly to not feel angry is not just like, oh, let me not do it because it's bad to feel angry. Now it's, I'm going to get closer to helping other people, to leaving an impact on this world, to overall achieving my goals that I think will have an impact not only on my life, but on people around me and really to— will allow me to get closer to God and for paradise and so on. You see, this is the thing that we never reflect on and we just try to change our behaviors because we think we should change our behaviors. Same exact problem we see when it comes to quitting porn, when it comes to NoFap. They say— and sorry if I seem angry, but I'm not. I'm just very passionate about this because when people NoFap, they say, I know why I want to quit. It's ruining my life. It's— I would maybe achieve my goals if I quit porn. They do not have clarity. They do not have a deep understanding of what are the actual benefits, what are the actual reasons. They think they do, but they don't. And they just think, I should quit porn. That's the main reason. That's what's on their mind. I should quit porn because it goes against my morals. Okay, but why does it go against your morals? Do you even understand? If you say, "I believe in God," but you don't even understand why does, for example, your religion says that lust and let's say porn specifically is forbidden, you don't understand why, you just got told why. I mean, you just got told that it's forbidden. Why would it be motivating to you? You don't even know why. This is the issue. This is the thing you need to be honest with yourself. I remember, for example, for me, to lower my gaze, to not look at women lustfully in public. I was like, "Yeah, I shouldn't do it." But I didn't know why. I didn't know what I could gain out of that. I didn't know that if I don't look at, and this is based on my research that I did, I didn't know that if I don't look at women in public, okay, lustfully, then I can basically get closer to my goals and everything I like, for example, to leave an impact and be a good role model for the people around me and so on. And all of these things that are very meaningful and very important to me, I didn't know that I could be closer to them by not looking at women like that in public. And the logic behind this would be that, okay, if you don't look at women like this, you don't give them too much mental space, too much mental energy in your mind. Therefore, you're going to be thinking more about these things that matters to you, and therefore you're going to make more progress on them, and that then compounds over time. And now that was attractive to me. I was like, so every single second, every single time I don't think or I don't look at women lustfully, I'm gaining this. Now I'm gaining something. Now I know why maybe it's better for me to not do it. Or it could be like, okay, well, you learn that, okay, if you give up this, you give up looking at women like this in public, God is going to give you something much better in return. And it's like, oh, and then maybe your friends, or you do research and you heard a story of like someone that did this, and then suddenly God blessed them with money, with different blessings. You need to understand, what do you gain out of that? What do you gain? And let's go back to the main topic. What do you gain out of not fighting? The flashbacks? Because it is a decision at the end of the day. And if it's a decision, it's not something automated. It's not like you lose control and you're just fighting the flashbacks because that's how you're wired. No, no, no, no. It's a decision of, can I gain something more? Can I gain more out of not fighting them compared to fighting them. Because if we want to devalue fighting, the problem with fighting, as we know, is that what we resist persists. The problem with fighting is that it actually makes it so you think about it more, therefore you're going to fight it even more. The problem with fighting is you spend so much time overthinking and worrying about this that you don't spend time enjoying life. And by enjoying life, it means for you to maybe even pursue certain goals like family, like marriage, like building projects, like pursuing your goals and so on. That's what it means. And then you spend a whole lifetime if you continue on doing this, just trying to fight your own thoughts. And then it becomes mental masturbation because you think, oh, today I managed to fight off my own thoughts. And we see this in NoFap. Today I managed to fight off my urges. So that I thought I managed to fight out my desires, my thoughts. I won, I made progress, but it's mental masturbation because this is not even real progress. This is mental progress, meaning you think you're making progress, but in reality, you're not making progress. This doesn't even matter in most cases to learn to fight, I mean, sorry, to fight your urges and thoughts on a day-to-day basis. And at the same time, you're losing more because you're losing so much time. You're overall losing so much mental energy. You're probably mentally tired and you don't spend time doing other things that will be much more important. So really think about it. You want to do a simple cost-to-benefit analysis. And this is why it's so simple. That's all you have to do. Okay. And I'll end this there. That's all you have to do. Cost-to-benefit analysis. Compare fighting those flashbacks, those unwanted intrusive thoughts, and trying to like overthink and trying to like remove them and suppress them. And see, okay, what are the costs and benefits of that? And what are the costs and benefits of not doing that, of the opposite of that, of not caring about that? I'm telling you, this works, is that most people take it so simple that it doesn't even work. And it only takes maybe 5 or 10 minutes. So this is it for this podcast. I hope this was helpful, and I'll see you guys in the next episode.