4. 3 Simple Shifts That Make Quitting Porn Feel Effortless

Welcome to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. My name is Samir Gardner, and today I want to talk to you about how to really make it easy and effortless for you to quit porn. Now, I'm going to dive deeper into the topic of how to create intrinsic motivation when it comes to leaving any behaviors behind. Now, I know this might sound super simplistic. Just create intrinsic motivation and you'll leave a bad habit behind. It can't be that easy, Samir. I mean, I've been doing this for all of these years. I know why I want to quit. I have the reasons that I have, like very strong reasons, yet I can't quit. Now let me explain to you like this, okay? Let me really simplify it so that you can really understand this. Quitting porn The main mistake a lot of people make, and this is what I've been talking about in one of my recent videos that I'm about to upload now, uh, today we're on February 20th, 20th. So one of the things that we need to understand is a lot of people, yes, they do have the reasons, uh, when it comes to quitting porn and masturbation. Like for example, they, they know, okay, like my life will overall be better, my life would be overall just like there's gonna be so much benefits. And when I watch porn, I'm just losing things, okay? Yeah, maybe I'm getting pleasure, but that's not even meaningful to me. Now, that creates this sort of dilemma for people where they're like, why is it that I watch porn then if I really want to quit and the pleasure is not even important to me? Maybe I don't even— for example, maybe you're super disciplined in different areas of life, but when it comes to quitting porn, it's like Ah, you, you end up watching it. So I'll tell you essentially what are the missing pieces, even though you don't want to like constantly look for the missing pieces. Sometimes you just want to move on, you want to take that leap of faith, but I just want to help you here by giving you the missing pieces, okay? And so when it comes to quitting porn, what we need to understand is the reasons, okay? First of all, needs to be strong. They cannot be strong as in like you care about them, but not that much. You need to be strong, not as in like they're your ultimate purpose, but they're very meaningful to you, okay? And this is just the first criteria. There's more criteria, okay? But first, if I say, for example, I really want a successful business, okay? And I wanna quit porn so it can help me with that business so I can be productive. It's like, Yeah, that makes sense. That's cool. That's amazing. But if I told you instead, look, I want to quit porn, but what really matters to me is to build the business because I want to help my parents financially. I want to maybe even retire them. And that means so much to me because I saw them maybe struggling for me. I saw fights, I saw them being very tired, and I thought I was going to lose them at one point. You see how emotional that can be, and you see the weight of how important it can be to the individual to really essentially fulfill such goal, really fulfill such mission. And if I quit porn, okay, with that being said, if I quit porn, I believe not only would it help me become more productive, but it's going to essentially get me closer to that goal of helping my parents financially and making sure that they never get into a spot like that again and helping them, uh, being retired before maybe they even die. And suddenly the value of quitting porn shoots up, but like very, very high. And again, if we compare that to, oh yeah, I want to quit porn because I want to be more productive. So this is the first criteria, it needs to be meaningful. Second criteria, you need to believe that it can be possible. So for example, if we use the, I wanna quit porn because I wanna help my parents financially because of what happened in the past and so on. If you don't think that you can even get to a point where, for example, you build a successful career or business where you can actually help them financially, if you don't believe that's possible because maybe you don't believe there's opportunities out there, maybe you don't believe that this is even possible to do in the first place, that it's so, so much hard work that You believe it's all about luck, and therefore you can't even know if you're going to be able to achieve this. Well, then it kind of nullifies that. It nullifies this reason, and therefore you, you're left with like just some surface-level reasons as to why you want to quit porn. This is why when people say, for example, I wanna quit porn because I wanna be married and have a family and so on. But then they just end up, like, they keep on coming back to porn. And one of the most common reasons, I'm not saying that it's the only reason, but one of the most common reasons is that a lot of people nowadays, especially those that watch porn, there's a strong correlation, they lack that sense of worthiness, that sense of confidence, that sense of optimism that they can actually attract the partner of their dreams. They feel like they're not as valuable as maybe the other man is. They feel like they can't be married with these types of women because they, let's say God-fearing women, for example, because they feel maybe like an hypocrite. They feel like this and that. And so it nullifies the reason why you want to quit porn. If you want to quit porn and masturbation so you can get married and have a family, but then you believe that it's probably not going to be possible within the next few years because you're not there yet, or maybe because you feel like women will find you unattractive, or they might not want to be with you for specific reasons, then guess what? And again, it just nullifies it. It's like you're left with no reasons. And then what happens when you're presented with what people call the urge, the desire, where you're like, I really want to watch porn because I feel lonely. I really want to have intimacy. I really want to have a woman that loves me next to me. But I believe that it's impossible right now. I can't get that. If, and if I can get that, maybe it's going to be in a few years. Do I want to wait until I get a sense of love, even though I know porn doesn't give that? Maybe you debunked it. You're like, okay, well, I know porn is, is fake. It's, it's a substitute. It's not even a substitute. It's just a video on the screen. And I myself create those feelings where I feel love. It's not the video itself. It's not the masturbation itself. It's not the chemicals. But you think this is the only thing. Maybe even it might give me 1% of the real thing, 10%, whatever. But so I'll do that. It's like rational. And this goes to the third criteria. Okay, so first criteria, we need to really have a strong reason, okay? And by strong reason, I know it sounds a bit cliché to say if you have a very strong reason why, then you as a why can be almost any how, but that's real, okay? And it doesn't mean you need to have like a mission where you want to help like orphans and you want to like give charity and so on and change the world. Like it can be something that's just meaningful to you. Maybe for me, for example, it's just to leave an impact on the world to helping men essentially overcome the struggle so that they can stand up for themselves. That was my purpose from the beginning, okay? And I'm doing that through helping people quit porn, through the videos, through the podcast, through my book that will be published in the near future, and so on, and the coaching, obviously. But yeah, you want to have something that's like meaningful to you. Maybe it doesn't have to be like something huge. Again, it doesn't have to be like, oh yeah, your mom like you have trauma because your mom went through financial struggles and certainly you really want to help her and so on. Yes, that, that can be a very strong reason. But if you didn't go through that, then maybe it's, okay, well, I, I, I'm really passionate about helping people in my community, in my environment. Let me, let me essentially have that as a strong reason. Let me align that with, with point. You wanna essentially just take whatever goals you have and really dig deeper into the why. Behind those goals. You wanna go, and this is another process which I have videos on, but you wanna like just ask yourself, okay, I want to build a business, or I want to have this specific career and live in this specific city, but let me be honest and just ask myself why multiple times. If you wanna know more about that, go on my YouTube. I have a video called The Reason Why Process, how to do it. You just go and you take your goals, like 3 goals, that are your top goals, the most important goals that you have, and you just sit there with yourself and you just ask yourself why at least 10 times or more. Like, okay, I want to build a successful business. Why? Because I want money. Okay, why? Because, I mean, why do you want money? Okay, because I want to feel free. Okay, why do you wanna feel free? And you see like where this can lead and then you'll get to like a very strong reason. And this is essentially the strong reason, you can then align support. Second criteria that we talked about is believing that this is possible, that the reason that you have, the thing you want to accomplish or the thing you wanna improve on, it doesn't have to be a specific time-bound or tangible goal, something that you achieve and you receive. It can be just something that is like an improvement, like I'm striving to do good deeds for the sake of God, for example. Okay, it can be something along those lines. Third thing, clarity. Clarity is the reason why I always talk about the fact that we, okay, want to have a clear, crystal clear picture of what our futures could look like. Because clarity will give you another option, an alternative to your current reality, which you might not be satisfied with. I know the word vision is overly used. Like we all know, oh yeah, set your goals, do goal settings. I have a vision. You have a cute vision board. I used to have one, by the way. I mean, I still have a vision, but it's a digital one. But I mean, a printed one. And that's amazing. It's just like sometimes people kind of cringe at that. But anyways, have your vision. Having a vision, we all know that, okay, the moment you have a vision, you now have optimism for the future because it's not about like saying, okay, this is exactly when every single details, this is what my life is going to look like. I am the one creating. I am like, because you don't wanna take the role of God and say that you control reality. I disagree with people that say that, but at the end of the day, yes, sure, you have free will, you have the ability to choose to do whatever you want, but God is the one that decides at the end of the day. This is my belief. Of course, you're free to challenge me. But what I want to say is when you really have a clear, like crystal clear picture of like, this is the type of man I'm going to become, this is the type of life I'm going to live, these are the types of things I want to pursue. Okay, I'm going to be that man that is going to be a righteous man. How am I going to be righteous? Okay, I'm going to be giving a lot to charity. I'm going to be a man of my words. I'm going to— and it's, you want to write it in the present tense just because it's easier to kind of like embody it. I know it sounds a bit— we should watch and embody this vision, but it's just like, so you essentially familiarize yourself with that and it essentially becomes something that you can refer back to very often and therefore act according to that. So you really wanna ask yourself, okay, yeah, so I am a righteous man. I am doing these specific things and you really have like these specific details. And then with that, when it's like really crystal clear, suddenly it's like, okay, I know that I can act like this, like this, like this based on my desired state, based on the future version of myself, the version of myself I want to become. Well, this is how I'm going to act. This is how I'm going to feel. This is how I'm going to think. And then you can essentially embody that and try to get closer to that every single day. That's how it works. And it's so powerful. And then it can be, for example, with lifestyle. People love lifestyle. I mean, we all know cars, houses, and everything, but it can just be, okay, you know what? I'm going to move city and live in that new city. I'm going to pursue martial arts. I'm going to open my new business and it's gonna be that type of business. And the more, you have details and the more you have clarity, the better, because then it also helps you with the second criteria, which is to believe that it can be possible. Because when it lives in the vague, when you are, when your goals are ambiguous, meaning you're like, yeah, I could do that, but I really want that. Let's say I really want a successful business, but you don't know what type of business, like, sure, you might come across information and suddenly start your business, but you don't know where you're going. And I always give this analogy of imagine that you really, really want to go out of your house, right? And your house, your current house, or the house you've been living in all of your life represents your current self. Okay? And there are things you're dissatisfied with and there are things that you are satisfied with. And so you're like, okay, you know what? I want to venture out. And then you venture out, which essentially means like you try to change yourself. You try to improve yourself and achieve different things. You venture out of your house, you go with your car, and then suddenly you face some bumpy roads and it kind of gets tiring. And then suddenly your wheel pops and now there's a problem with your car and you need to essentially go and take it to the mechanic. And now your car breaks down again. And so, and all of these challenges, well, imagine you don't know where you're going. You're saying, yeah, I'm trying to change myself. I'm just driving out and I don't want to stay in my house. But you don't even know what the end destination is. You don't even know what path you need to take and where exactly you want to be, where exactly you want to drive to. When you face those challenges, when you face that adversity, when you face these bumpy roads and your car breaks down. What are you going to do? Come back to your house and say, you know what, I knew this was too hard. Why did I even try this? Let me go back to my house. It's way more familiar. It's way more— it's much easier. There's also benefits of going back to my house. What does that represent? Going back to your old self, going back to who you always were. To what is familiar to you, both the good and the bad. But the moment you have that end destination, you're like, I'm going out of my house, I'm driving, and I'm going exactly at this specific place. Suddenly, I'm telling you, suddenly, it's going to be much easier for you to face those, those challenges, those— to face those adversities and not have to come back, not want to come back to your old ass, to your old version of yourself, to your old situation. Because you know, yeah, I'm facing those challenges, but eventually I'll be there. Eventually I'll arrive at the end destination, which let's say it's a beautiful destination. It's instead of your old house, you now live in a villa. Let's say when it comes to the analogy, I know certainly I'll have a better environment. I have a new house, I have a new villa, I have essentially everything will be better. So I'm willing to go through adversity. I'm actually willing to accept that, okay, this is going to happen, this is going to happen, and so on. And so you see why having a vision is crucial, okay? Which brings another point. It's not another criteria, but something to add on top of that footnote. When it comes to the vision, okay, it allows you to have another option for when it comes to the decision of quitting porn. What do I mean by that? Let's say, for example, in your vision, you say, I am a man of faith. I, for example, can be, let's say in your vision, you're like, I am married, I have a family and so on. And let's say you really want to quit porn, okay? But you feel like quitting porn is the only way you, I mean, you feel like watching porn is the only way where you can feel some type of intimacy where you can really essentially experience some type of sexual experiences, some type of sexual experience, let's say. Well, if you write in your vision, I am a man of faith with this type of character, and I am married, and I have a kid on the way, let's say, with crystal clear details. What happens then is that now you're like, ah, there is another option. There is a new option. I do not have to follow the belief that, oh, I'm going to essentially, like my only option or the only thing I can do when it comes to sexual experiences, let's say you really watch porn just because of intimacy and getting a sense of, let's say you feel valued when you think that getting intimacy will make you feel valued and make you feel worthy and so on. Well, let's say that you think, okay, well, with intimacy, I can actually get it if I become that version of myself. Meaning, let's say for example, through marriage, suddenly, You're going to be like, "Ah, I'm not hopeless." There's not a perceived lack of options. There's new options. It's kind of like, okay, let's say you want to quit your job, but there's no better jobs out there. There's no other jobs that are available. Why would you quit your job? Quit your job and take the risk of like feeling of being financially struggling. You don't want to struggle financially. Same thing here, same analogy applies. You quit porn, but you really, really want intimacy. You believe that quitting porn gives you 1% of intimacy, 10% of intimacy, whatever. But then you realize, oh, I can actually get real intimacy if I just work on myself according to that vision. This is the power of the vision. And this applies to different aspects, not just intimacy. I'm just choosing one specific thing that people can relate to. So this is what you wanna do. These are the 3 criteria. Go and really apply them. If you wanna go on my YouTube channel, I actually have a 10-hour course. And in the 10-hour course, I have a video on how to create a compelling vision. This is the exact video I give my actual students still to this day, and they follow and they love doing it, even though it takes time. They love doing it. I love doing it. It's almost, I'll be honest, it's almost mental masturbation to a certain extent because it feels like you're making so much progress, but in reality you're just building something, which is not like you're taking action, but at the same time, it is something which you're, it's gonna be valuable in the long term for you. And then what you wanna do with that vision, very crucial to read it every day, to read it as much as possible, because then it will be in your mind and you'll be able to refer back to it based on the information that is in the vision, the pictures, the text and so on. You'll be like, okay, well, in my vision, I said that I am this type of man. Let me get closer to that, for example, okay? So that's it. I'll see you guys in the next episode. I hope you liked it. And message me on Instagram if you have any questions.