3. How to Handle Every Urges to Watch Porn

Welcome to the Breaking Free from Porn podcast. My name is Samir Gardner Gardner, and today we're going to talk about how to handle urges. How can we deal with our own desire to PMO, to watch porn and masturbate, and not have to do it? I'm going to present a very, very, very simple framework that I use with my students, and it works very, very, very, very good. Okay, now I'm just going to preface this by saying that you can get to a point where you don't even have the desire. I don't like using the word urge because oftentimes people, they interpret the urge as like an attack that they receive either from the supernatural or from something external to them, like a trigger, for example, like a woman on social media. And I don't like that because it really gives the power to porn or to their desires. And they kind of like not use their own power. And by own power, I don't mean something that's obviously blasphemous. What I mean rather is simply their own ability to make that choice, just to simplify it. So a desire, what is a desire first and foremost? A desire is when you want to do something. I'll just like really simplify it. I can go into the neuroscience, I can go into the biology side of things, but To simplify, the desire is just like you see reasons to do something, okay? You see reasons to do something, therefore you feel the desire. And by reasons, it's not just like something which society values, it's what you perceive value. So for example, we see people that have what we call fandom, like the desire to essentially be dominated by women. Now society is not going to probably, in most cases, okay, I'm talking about maybe your environment, will probably discipline you prove of that desire and essentially classify you as a deviant because you're not essentially acting according to that group and according to their beliefs. Okay, now we're not here to talk about if fandom— fandom, again, to just repeat myself, it's when you essentially have the desire to be dominated by a woman. And we can clearly see that this is something which you can say both also from a non-secular perspective, like meaning from a religious perspective, and also just from a societal perspective, especially nowadays, would be deemed as weird, would be deemed as deviant, and so on. Now, a desire is simply having reasons to do something, okay? I'll just simplify it like this. Now, what would that mean here in that case? The guy that wants to engage in that fetish has reasons to engage in that fetish, okay? He has simple reasons, like maybe he's thinking irrationally and unconsciously. And this is the thing, unconsciously, because maybe he's not really, uh, rationalizing why he should watch it or should not watch it, but instead he's just acting and thinking in accordance to something that he learned in the past, in accordance to something that he experienced in the past. So maybe in the past he came across fandom porn and he had a great experience, and that relieved him of his stress, and that gave him pleasure. And then he started to associate pleasure and stress relief to fandom, to that specific fetish. Now he's going to be You can say stuck, like unconsciously he's going to be like, oh, I'm going to get that out of him though, okay? Now these are the reasons, okay? So a desire is basically you have to do reasons to do something. Now the issue is that most people, they simply play the game like completely wrong. And if you just change this little thing I'm about to present to you, you're going to see how effortless it can be to deal with any desire. Every desire is going to be essentially, it's going to, you can say, have no control over you, even though objectively that's the case. But you're going to feel like you are always in control. So what happens is people, when they have that desire, they have those reasons, they don't examine the reason. They don't really think, okay, well, why do I want to do this? And is there maybe a better option? Instead, they straight jump into the interpretation of, I have this desire, this is something bad, this is something negative, this is something that, it's like a sign that I might fall and I'm going to ruin my life. And so no rationalization, no process of, let me see if I can do this right now, or let me see if I, maybe I have something better to do, or, whatever, all of that rationalization is thrown to the side and it's an emotional decision that comes into play. It's a decision of not even, okay, I wanna do it for stress relief, I wanna do it for pleasure. People don't even tell that to themselves, but rather it is, oh no, I'm going to feel bad. I don't wanna feel bad. Oh no, but I really wanna do it at the same time. You see, like this is the issue. What could you do when you're faced with that desire? Okay, because when I coach my students, for example, before they join the coaching, that's like the most common question I get asked all of the time. And when they ask me this, I'm like, okay, well, you don't have to really end those strong desires. And even if that were the case, which I'm about to really like present to you, you're gonna see how effortless it is. Because what you have to do, the only thing you have to do is to first be like, you know what, I'm going to— yeah, I want to do this, essentially. Like, I want to engage in that fetish. You kind of want to have like the mindset of like, oh, I have this desire. This desire doesn't really— like, let's say it's external to me, even though it's in— obviously it's like internal to you. But I like to, to kind of like say, okay, see it like mindfully in a sense of like, okay, yeah, I have this desire, cool. Okay, yeah, I actually want to do this right now. Like, I actually want to have intimacy with this type of woman. I actually want to watch the porn. I actually want to masturbate. Yeah, I actually want to do it. Okay, and so what? And then it's not about like being cocky or anything. It's just about like being like, you know what, yeah, this is just a desire. It's nothing big. And then You're like, okay, well, yeah, I have this desire, but why do I want to do it? And you don't judge yourself, obviously. You're just having like a conversation. Yeah, because maybe stress relief. Wait, but why do you want stress relief? Oh, because right now the problems in my life are too much. And then as you start kind of like asking yourself questions, you'll realize, ah, okay, but I want to watch porn so I can relieve myself of that stress because right now I'm facing a situation where I might lose my job, let's say, and that's causing stress in my life. And then now you're presented with that piece of knowledge, let's say, about your current situation, and you're like, okay, well, will watching porn or will masturbation really help with that? And now it's way easier to really rationalize, be like, no, I mean, probably not. You're not forcing yourself to say no. This is the key thing. You're not even forcing yourself. You're not even really trying to be biased and be like, no, I shouldn't watch porn. It goes against God and this and that. Instead you say, you know what? Yeah, okay, I wanna do it. But let me first examine why do I even wanna do it? Okay? And then as you kind of like be, you're honest with yourself, okay? I'll maybe give you some personal examples. So back then when the desire was there and was strong, okay? And again, the desires oftentimes, okay, like of course it, you can say it depends from every individual because people will feel different. But we know that we are the one that initiate that desire in the first place. We are the one that are like, you know what, let me think about intimacy. But because we don't like the fact that we constantly do it, society maybe disapproves of it, maybe your environment, your friend group, I mean, maybe they don't actually, but we kind of like, no, this desire is just something biological and I don't even want to do it. But like, yeah, it's biological, but you want to do it. Just like, for example, you need to go pee, okay? And if you need to go pee, are you telling me that you don't want to go to the toilet? Like, yes, it's biological, like you need to do it, but you also want to do it. So this is like what we gotta understand. So really, when it comes to this desire, we really want to just have this calm approach, being like, okay, yeah, like just visualize it like this. Imagine someone's just on this chair and is like, talking to someone else with like that confidence, like, yeah, what do you want? And kind of like feeling like you're just essentially on your chair and you have like something small, let's say like a kid coming up to you and it's like, oh, I want to do this. Kind of like want to see it like this. I know it's a bit of a random example that I just came up with actually, But it's very good to just see it as if you're just having a little kid come to you, or you have, let's say, for example, an animal that comes to you and he's like, "Oh, I want to have a treat." You're not like, "Oh yeah, the dog is going to overpower me and probably bite me to death because I'm not going to give him a treat," for example. Same thing with a kid. The kid is probably not going to just start fighting you find a way to kill you. That's not going to happen. And when you have that mindset, when you have that approach, when you really see PMO this way, you make PMO powerless as it is because PMO is powerless by nature. We're talking about first you need to use, I mean, we're gonna talk about the physical side of things. You need to first use your hand to essentially masturbate yourself. And then when it comes to watching porn, we're talking about watching a video. And sure, it's kind of hard maybe to grasp that, like, okay, yeah, that's what's happening physically, therefore it doesn't mean anything. Like, I don't even need to do it. But then we feel like that's not the case. So what we need to understand is like, okay, the desire to watch porn, which you're going to experience probably in the beginning if you just stop watching porn, you're telling me like, for example, if I just went to the same restaurant every single day, okay, and they serve the best food. And then let's say I don't go to that restaurant, it's closed. I'm probably going to still feel a certain desire. It might not be as strong to the same extent as the one with PMO because there's different factors involved. I mean, with PMO, first and foremost, we attach a bit more meaning to it, okay? We're talking about intimacy in relationships is often linked to it, which is something that humans actually really desire. Now, when it comes to the restaurant, there's foods and so on, Also with PMO, oftentimes it's something that we consume, quote unquote, much more. But this is the tip I'm going to give you because when we look, for example, on the flip side at really trying to resist, really trying to suppress that desire, being like, no, I shouldn't think about this. No, I shouldn't do this. No, I shouldn't have this desire. It's the same thing as try to not think of a pink elephant. Neuroscience. So there is essentially this concept in neuroscience where they talk about ego fatigue. Ego fatigue is when you deny yourself of something that you desire repetitively. And because of that, you kind of, they say, because neuroscience is talking like the study of the brain essentially, that you tire your brain out. Until you give in. Like, think about it like this. Again, let's give the example of the kid. Now imagine the kid comes to you and he's asking every single day, every single day, "Can I get candies? Can I get candies?" Multiple times a day. I'm not saying that you're going to just give in objectively, like that's just going to happen, like there's probabilities, no. Instead, what I'm saying is maybe at a certain point you're going to be like, you know what, I'm tired of this. Let me give him candy so that he can stop talking to me, so he can stop with this request of his. So the same thing can be applied here as an analogy. When you really suppress and try to say, no, I shouldn't do this. This is the wrong way. This is the way to essentially drain yourself of all of your mental energy because all you're going to be thinking about is, should I do it? Should I not do it? And then you're going to be maybe thinking about, oh, it would be nice to do it, but no, I should really not do this. Oh, but yeah, I maybe just one more time. Oh no, but you said that Same thing. You're having like this back and forth. It's like having a back and forth with a human being that you're arguing about something. It gets mentally draining. So what you want to do instead— let's take the kid analogy. He's asking for candies. Instead, why don't you say, okay, you know what? Yes, kid, we don't have candies right now, or we're not gonna have candies right now. Instead, maybe we can do this. Oh, you really want candies? Why do you want candies? You want to— I'll just simplify it to you and really give you like the practical tip. Reinterpret that desire. So for example, if you have a public presentation, let's say back in the days you went to school, you remember that, like probably can relate to that. You have a public presentation, you gotta present in front of everyone. You're stressed. But then as you start thinking of the situation, you're like, I'm stressed out, but if I fail because I'm stressed because maybe like I'll fail and essentially people will laugh at me. But if I fail and people laugh at me, it would actually be to my benefit because I'm going to be able to use that as the starting point, or maybe as part of my story of how I used to be and how I used to have no confidence and how I felt in front of class. And then I'm going to tell that story to my future kids or maybe to the people once I really make it in life. Or maybe, oh yeah, but the stress I'm feeling right now, this is like just excitement because I really want to perform. And you see immediately you can start feeling better as you reinterpret the situation. Because we can put two guys in the same situation, okay? We'll even take, we'll take a NoFap approach to this. You have the desire to watch porn. One guy says, "No, I'm going to maybe relax again because last time this is what happened. Oh no, no, I should really not do this, but I really wanna do it at the same time. I haven't done it in a long time. How am I going to release?" "Ah, let me do it. Oh no, let me not do it." Second guy thinks, "Oh, this is a desire. Well, this means that it is like motivation. Like because I have this desire, this means that I can use that as motivation to work on myself so that I can attract a woman in the near future because I want intimacy basically. This is why I want to watch porn because I want intimacy." let me reinterpret, interpret that desire as, oh, this is a sign that I should work on myself. And here we're talking really about like a semen retention-ish slash NoFap-ish approach that is actually beneficial. So when it comes to really dealing with your desire, do not make it a battle against your own self. And you're going to see that it's actually not that hard. It's actually a fortitude. There's no such thing such as a struggle. The same way you might deal with the desire after you've left video games, after a few weeks of leaving video games, you still kind of like have the desire to just come back to video games, but you're rationalizing, no, Oh, I should maybe just work on my project instead because my projects actually mean more to me. Oh yeah, if I play video games right now, it could be fun, but would it be as fun as maybe talking with my family? And you're going to see this is just like something you do in the beginning. And then later on, you're going to start forgetting about PMO in the first place. There's not gonna be that battle anymore. But also as time goes on, you just naturally will move on permanently, probably, from this, as obviously your life also moves on. Because this is something that research has shown. People that essentially improve different areas of their lives are the ones that actually move on. Because why would you quit a behavior, like for example a drug? Like, why would you quit a drug of all of these years, just quitting the drug alone and not making any improvements either as a byproduct or just like in general making improvements in your life, whether that be in terms of relationship, career, and so on. Like, you don't want to just quit porn for the sake of quitting porn. Usually you want to quit porn for something better. And as that thing, uh, that you want to pursue, or these things you want to pursue, get better, then you'll feel even more motivation to just, uh, continue. And you will essentially see no value in PMO, I'm telling you. Okay, it's kind of like, imagine someone quits porn because he's like, I really want to make my business successful. Okay. And as he quits porn and he sees that his business is actually making progress and he sees, actually, this is possible, I can actually become very successful very soon. You're going to— I'm sure this is subjective, people might react differently, but in most cases, if his intention was to quit porn so that he can have maybe a better life when it comes to his business and really have that success, he's going to see that, yeah, like there's no point in watching porn anymore because my business is so much more important. And this applies to different aspects of life. It's not to say that a business or a project is the solution to PMO. No. Instead, it's just to really show you guys that you need to also, on the flip side, I've just like basic strong reasons why to quit, which a lot of people, I sadly don't have sometimes, or This is the key thing. They do have, but then they believe it's not even possible to pursue or achieve those things that they really desire because they have limiting beliefs in general. So this is what we really, really want to do, okay? And we can even quote the Rat Park study. Rat Park is a very popular study. I'll essentially go over it quickly. They did a study where they compared rats in a small cage where they gave the options between water and water that was laced with morphine. And then they put another group of rats in a bigger cage where they could socialize, where they could reproduce, where they could essentially play around because the cage was much bigger and they were essentially more natural environments for, for the rats. And they gave the same options, the water and the water laced with morphine. Now there's a lot of like different tests that they did when it comes to, for sugar, when it comes, for example, to the drug itself. And it's very interesting, but don't quote me on this because the statistics are different sometimes. The rats in the small cage ended up drinking 16 times more the morphine-laced, the drug-laced solution, the water that was laced with drugs, than the ones in the rat park, than the ones in the natural environment. Now, sure, the conclusion for these researchers or for the general public is that, look, if you have a vibrant social life and if you have essentially a good life where you can be with around other people and you can move on freely and you're not like stuck in just in a small cube like we are nowadays, just working on, or on a laptop or just like scrolling on social media in our room, then moving on from a behavior will, or essentially a behavior like drugs, like drug taking or porn, will be just completely not appealing. Just like the same one when you're having the time of your life, like watching porn is not even an option. You're like, no, I'm never going to watch this because like you might think, okay, like, yeah, what if I watch porn? And you're like, no, I mean, why would I even watch porn? You have zero desire to do it. And so we still wanna like make sure that we actually have like these basic things in life. Not again, because they're antidotes, okay? Not that we should rely on them as the solution to quit porn, but rather because these are things that are essential. And yes, okay, I'll tell you, yes, a lack of social connections, okay? And a lack of overall going outside, Okay, because I've been there before. Doesn't necessarily cause porn consumption, obviously not. Same thing with drugs. If I tell you stay in your room for 1 year and have no social interactions, that might be very hard, but let's say you were to take on the challenge and let's say there were drugs in front of you. For a lot of people, they would never even do the drugs in the first place, even if they would be bored. Okay, this is the blessing that we have as humans compared to animals. We have like the cognition aspect and develop cognitive functions whilst animals, they essentially live on instincts. And we have instincts, we have, and on top of that, our cognition helps us make decision and really just strategize, analyze, and so on, and examine different things. Really, okay? And this is coming from Peele and Brodsky in 1975, okay? Where they said that Animal research reminds us that the source of addiction lies, okay, in the way human beings deny or deny themselves the opportunities for rewarding experiences that characterize life for a species. And they added, the difference between not being addicted and being addicted is the difference between seeing the world as your arena and seeing the world as your prison, or is it a cage? Page 64. I'll repeat: Animal research reminds us that the source of addiction lies in the way that human beings are denied or deny themselves the opportunities for rewarding experiences that characterize life for species. This idea essentially is the difference between not being addicted and being addicted is the difference between seeing the world as your arena and seeing the world as your prison, or is it a cage? This is the point I'm trying to make. If you live inside of your room and you deny yourself the social interactions, you deny yourself opportunities and options, different options that could get you out of that mental state of, for example, maybe you feel anxious, maybe you feel stressed, maybe you feel depressed, you feel hopeless, which is one of the worst feelings in my opinion. And you really think all there is to life is your current environment. And because of that, as a byproduct, you don't see that there are things that are better than porn, that are more rewarding than porn. And all you see, that is like the most pleasurable thing that you can do. You think, okay, you know, objectively and rationally, this is not the case, but you think that porn is essentially the most pleasurable thing that is there in your life. But if you were to venture out a bit in life and experience different things, you'll see, oh no, actually, if I were to maybe pursue this project and maybe go on this adventure, let's say, with this group of guys, that's going to be much more rewarding. Oh, if I were to maybe pursue marriage instead, or maybe change my environment and stop living in the same city I've been living in my whole life and start something else, you'll see that there's like, there are so many things that are going to be much more rewarding that you've been maybe denying yourself because you think, no, I can't pursue this, or no, I can't do this right now. That if you were to experience them, again, not, it's not cause and effect, but there's a strong correlation. The pleasure, the quote-unquote rewards you get from porn would not even compare a single percent. So do not isolate yourself. Do not stay there because this is the thing I see with a lot of people I coach sadly, and I've been there before. Staying in my room all day long. Yes, I was productive. Yes, I was reading the books. Yes, I was watching the self-improvement videos. Yes, I was eating healthy, I was working out, I was doing all of these things. I even then got a job. I didn't have a job for a long time, but it was the same routine. And I love routine. I'm a man of routine. I wake up at the same time every day, do the same things every single day, or sometimes I have a bit of variety. But to just live that way and expect a different result, as the famous quote says, Insanity is thinking that doing the same thing over and over again will give you a different result. And maybe you can see how this might apply to your situation when it comes to PMO. That if you don't expose yourself to different life experiences, to maybe not just the different ways of, of thinking, because a lot of people already do this, but to not just like cage yourself in and think, no, like, I can't experience this. Oh no, it's too much money. Oh no, it's too much risk. If you were to actually take that step, you'll see, okay? I'm telling you, you'll see. This is not mindset advice. I mean, kind of, but it's like, I'm telling you, taking it in action is going to be much more much more impactful than just constantly trying to change your mind. So really ask yourself, what is that maybe one thing that you know you ought to do, you really want to do, but you've been holding yourself back because you're like, no, I shouldn't do this. I'll tell you right now, I'm traveling right now, I'm in Asia, and I was like, no, I shouldn't go to Asia, I shouldn't do this and that. But now I thought, you know what, why am I procrastinating on this? And I'll tell you a bit more, like, from a non-secular perspective, from a faith-based perspective. I genuinely believe if you have the right intention, okay, and this is not like science or let's say related to psychology here, what I'm talking about. But if you genuinely have a good intention in your heart and you say, you know what, I'm going to take this risk, okay? I'm going to do everything I can on my own and I'm going to leave the rest to God. You will see your life will change in so many different ways. It happened to me so many times. So this is it for the podcast for today. I'll see you guys in the next episode.