Bill Hader Returns Again

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Hi, my name is Bill Hader and I feel grateful about being Conan o' Brien's friend.

That's so sweet.

Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walk and lose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that.

We are gonna be I can tell.

That we are gonna be friends.

Hey, Conan o' Brien here. Welcome to Conan o' Brien Needs a Friend. Joined as always by Sonam Obsessian. Hi, Sona.

Hi.

And of course, Matt Gourley.

Hi.

Good to see you. Matt. Matt, you have some props. You're a prop comic now?

No, this was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that a child is dropped off at a fire station's door doorstep or Moses.

A young Moses arrives in a reeded basket.

Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here. And it said, to Conan o' Brien and Matt Gorley.

Huh, that's nice.

And it says, conan and Matt. Great news. By unanimous vote, the Dils of Larchmont are proud to grant you honorary membership. We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, protect and provide. As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the lean into dad jokes and grill things in a robe. We know you'll make us proud. With honor. Dan Lurman, Founder, DILFS of Larchmont so.

D. I don't understand Larchmont. Let me explain to the listener or viewer if you're consuming us that way.

My head is covered in cobwebs.

Oh, God, it has a long hair on it.

Get it off.

Someone was murdered in this hat.

Well, wait a minute. So I should explain. Larchmont refers to the area we're on. Larchmont Boulevard. Larchmont Village here in Los Angeles.

Yes.

And this is where we have our little building. And so I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work.

Do people just know that?

I didn't know people knew that.

I mean, isn't that weird?

Well, they sure know it now.

Mine has a number on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21.

Oh, mine says 20.

Hey. Hey, guys. Real cool.

In on the ground floor, numbered DILF.

Stands for what dad?

I'd like to put.

Wait, what?

Well, it's all right. You probably know.

Well, you know. You know what a MILF is?

Oh, yeah.

And DILF is a dad. I'd like to.

Oh, I didn't know that. I haven't heard the term.

Mom is a mom. I'd like to. And a dad is a dad. I'd like to.

Does anyone want to. A dad.

Hopefully mom.

Okay, well, like, so, you know, I mean, a milf.

And this gives me hope.

Yeah, a DILF is a hot dad.

Okay, so that's a compliment.

You guys are two hot dads.

But wait a minute. Didn't this come not from a woman? It came from. Who is this a dad?

A society of DILFs here in Larchmont called the DILFS of Larchmont.

Okay.

Okay.

So guys think you guys are dads.

This dad dads who.

People like to think we're dads that they'd like to.

They want to fuck.

Wait, what?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. You guys are DILF elfs. Your dads. I like to fuck. I like to fuck. Yeah, we're deal lifts to dilt.

Dad's dads like to fuck.

No, because these are Dilks who want to fudge you guys.

You know what? I know they're calling and they want to rescind.

I think now I think we're.

I think they're on the.

You know, we are. I think it's like incredibly obvious that people want to fudge us. That other dads. So it's. We are dilf. Ilfs Duh.

Oh, wow.

Can we fit that on the hat?

Let's see.

Don't you think I'm a Dilf.

Ilf?

Duh. Right.

Oh, my God.

Cause obvious. Yeah. Conan o'. Brien. And you're like a Dilf.

Ilf.

Duh.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're sort of trailing off. They're getting a look at your shirt. They're wondering, does he go to the.

My shirt?

Well, I don't know. I don't want to buy ice cream from you in the 20s.

I don't want to be in prison pajamas.

These aren't prison pajamas.

Those are prison pajamas.

These are not. This is a very nice, beautiful blue shirt. Dill Fight.

Dill Fight.

Yeah.

Dill fight.

Fuck each other up.

Hey, let's make that movie. Dill Fight. Oh, yeah. Things get real.

Oh, my God, that's good.

Dill Fight. You know what I mean? It's sort of like Fight Club, but it's just two guys with, like, grilling spatulas. Grilling spatulas.

And like, a TV remote.

And a baby.

And a baby. Whatever, Bjorn.

Yeah, I like it. Let's get that gill fight. Still fight.

And instead of, like, at the vacant lot at midnight, it's. It's at the, like, Trader Joe's at high noon.

Something like that.

Yeah.

And first they have to make sure they still got those cedar chips. The peach ones. The peach flavored ones. Yeah, they still got them. All right, let's do the fight. Let's get.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. You still got that pumpkin cider? It comes out every September.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, I'm ready. We'll be in. We'll be in in a few minutes. But first we're going to have it out.

Why are we going to fight? Let's just. Let's just have a beer. Come on.

Yeah.

Talk about cuz. Smoking meat.

Yeah.

And can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk?

That's not who you are.

Okay, I like it. This movie sells itself to absolutely no one.

Congrats on being admitted into the dilf. Larchmont.

This is clearly an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs.

Yes.

Thank you, Dils.

Dils of Larchmont.

Of Larchmont. We appreciate the sentiment.

I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here, though.

But they're a little silhouette.

There should be one really tall one.

Yeah.

I'll draw a little longer legs on mine. Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering. Anyway, let's get going. My guest today is an Emmy Award winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series Barry. Come on. For God's sake.

Yeah.

He'S the man. Please welcome Bill Hader. You just were telling me just before the. We started rolling. Is it rolling? Recording?

Rolling, Rolling.

I don't know the lingo. I'm new in the business. You said that you heard someone walked up to you. What, on the street?

Yeah. And said, why are you in Conan? Would you guys. You're on his podcast. All you guys do is just laugh and giggle, but there's no talking. It's like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy. And I just wish there was more of a discourse. Well, I was like, I just want to.

I just want to. With that guy. Now we should just howl the whole time and say nothing.

It's like, this is so hard to. To. To. To figure that. Yeah, the.

Can he get septum fixed? Yeah, that's what I would say to him, first of all.

Yeah, Septum, Sam. Yeah, he. I was. Many women very interested in me. I have a long line of suitors, so to speak. But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue. In New York especially, you would come up and go, I didn't really like the show. Like, no one comes up. Like, I couldn't believe the show was so bad. It was always, like, when I first started snl, it was always guys walking up and going, they should use you more.

That's nice.

Which was very sweet. That's nice, Warren. These guys said I should use you more.

Who?

Who are they?

No, show me.

Wait, wait. Where are they?

Oh, God.

Shit.

I was just remembering. We were. And this is all gonna be random thoughts that come into my head. Cause that's what happens when I talk to you. But when I worked at SNL all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest. And he famously had this. He had this thing made that would make a farting noise. And he went to, like a craftsman. I mean, you could. This thing was not something he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen. This was his sense of humor. This thing was beautifully made. It was made of, you know, some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood. And it had brass fittings and everything. And he would make these farting noises. And I remembered you'd be talking to him like, okay. So anyway, Leslie, the Idea of this bitch. And he'd be doing it, and he'd be like, oh, okay. But then he kept doing it to Lauren, and you realize it would nothing. You know, because of the 50th anniversary. There's all these documentaries now. Lauren and Lauren Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation. And I'll never forget Leslie Nielsen. Lorne would be like, so I think we're gonna do. And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take, like, to the side, like, who was that? You know, an innocent. His innocent Leslie Nielsen face take. And you could see that big chunks of Lauren's organs were dying. Just die.

Like the fellow Canadian.

Yeah, fellow Canadian. He's having. He's hosting the show.

And he's such a solid. Yeah, he comes in with this device.

Yeah, he comes in with this device.

Thank you.

And it's just Lauren's least favorite kind of comedy. And I was. Ira just Was fascinating. And there was nothing. Lauren.

I was a PA on this. I've talked about a couple of times, the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Collateral Damage, and Bill Hardy actually was his name. And Jason Altieri, they had a fart machine at their mission, and they put it on the boom guy, Earl Sampson, they put it on his belt without him knowing it. So he was in an elevator with Schwarzenegger, and this Francesca Neary was the actress. And they're having this really intense scene, like, we got to get out of here, and we need that. And it was very.

Yeah, yeah.

And they somehow could do it where it wasn't just, like.

It was, like, realistic.

And so we were all kind of, like, at the monitor, listening. So it's him going, how could you? If we can get the antidote, everybody will know you are going to be all right. And we were like, I can't hear it. Can you hear it? Or whatever. And then we knew it was working because then the Clapper came in, and the guy was laughing. It was shaking. He was like. And then came out. We were like, oh, good. And, yeah, this Earl Sampson, the boom guy, was like, where is that coming from? And it was on his belt. I just need you to get. Get out of here.

Does Arnold ever call it out and say, what's happening?

No, I think. I think after. I think somebody came in and was like, get that off. Like, took it off his belt and, like, came over and, like. And we all acted, like, stupid. Like, what. Wait, what happened? Who did that? That was 25 years ago. Sorry, Jason. Bill. I just outed you guys. But, yeah, we were all like, wait, what's going on? But it was so perfect. It was too big of farts. It wouldn't have worked.

It had to be little. If it had been the Leslie Nielsen type variety. That's too much.

Lauren would liked this. He would have been like, it's not wet.

He would get.

Oh, my God.

I know. Lauren would get frustrated when you. Because you. Mulaney, you guys would have these obsessions about very small things in show business.

Yeah.

That he. Lauren, loves. He likes a home run hitter. He likes someone who's gonna go out there. He likes, you know, give me your church, lady. Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see. Softball down the middle. And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of, you know, like. I mean, the one I'm thinking of is you were doing a Jud Hirsch impression on the show.

When I came back to host Steve Higgins, saying out of the gate, like, hey, Steve. He goes, all right. None of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Mulaney like so much.

Oh, my God.

Sandwich in a briefcase is a perfect.

Description.

Of the weird sandwich in a briefcase.

Made me laugh, because that's so accurate. Where it would be like. And I remember. Yeah, we had a sandwich in a briefcase in a sketch when. And it got cut. And I told Mulaney. He wasn't there yet.

Can I show the concept real fast?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Oh. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, the concept of those sketch. We'll edit here, everybody. Okay. And three, two. Again, a one and a two. And it was called Knish in color. And it was a. I remember this. It was a. It was a cop show. A 70s cop show called Knish, and the host was KN. And then we basically kind of just did that thing where we ripped off from Police Squad, where everybody. But it wasn't a thing. Where we all froze and we pretended to be frozen, and someone came in. The joke was that they would freeze too early. You know, so I'd be like, I gotta tell you. And Judd Hirsch was the captain. And I'd enter scenes and I go, greetings. And his salutations, Ganish. You're right, Ganesh. Mayor Giuliano was setting all those fires, and. And you would walk in, and it was like, I gotta tell you, Ganesh. No, you know, it was like it would. It would freeze too early.

Yes, yes.

It was a thing that John and I would. And Fred would get on it, too, where we. The ideas that we would try that. That Lauren would just Be like, no, like Super Arcade. Like, we want to do one thing about Time Life. It was a guy, me and Fred, recording Time Life. It was like a Time Life commercial. It was like Time Life commercial. And it was like Jimi Hendrix. Jimi Hendrix. The Star Spangled Banner. And then you slowly realize it's Woodstock.

Yeah.

And it was like, John Lennon. John Lennon. John Lennon. And we were laughing so hard, and it played like this. Everybody was like, why is that?

Why is this happening?

Why is this happening? And we were like, could not get through it. We were laughing so hard. And I just remember it was one of those things. If you had seen it at snl, everybody has their stacks of scripts and they're kind of reading along, and if something sucks, you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch, just go and just drop it on the floor.

Oh, I saw that.

And you had just. Everybody was just dropping it, looking at the next sketch like, there's no way we're doing this. And so when you see that, you just, like, take it slower. You're like John Lennon and looking at.

Everybody twist the knife. But you know what? Maybe you can relate to this. But when I was a kid watching television, I loved it when the people making the comedy, even if I didn't know what they were talking about, if I could sense that they were smart, that they didn't care if I laughed or not. Like Monty Python.

Monty Python was a big one.

Yeah, Monty Python. I didn't understand half of what they were talking about. Cause sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in London politics or British politics in 1969, 1970. But there'd be other sketches that I didn't quite understand. But I could tell the rhythm of it. I could tell this was really smart, was really funny. And I could also tell that they weren't yearning for my laughter.

Yeah, yeah, they were just making themselves laugh.

They were making themselves laugh.

SCTV was like that.

Well, SCTV would do jokes. There was a Towering Inferno parody they did where there was a big fire and it was a. And all the characters. And because of. There were so many different characters.

I remember this.

Remember this?

Yeah.

Andrea Martin played Edith Prickley, but she also played another character. So there was one scene. Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene. There's like nine characters in the room. And they just had Edith Prickley, who always wore, like a leopard skin pillbox hat. They clearly just put that on another actor, another actor, and had that actor turn their back and so that they could do the Sketch. And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, all right, let's get moving. So and so, so and so, so and so. Prickly's double. You come with me. And I'm like, I'm. I don't know how old I was at the time. I might have.

You're like. You're allowed to do that.

I literally felt like a laser beam of truth hit me in the middle of my forehead. And I thought, I can't believe that just came through my television. They didn't care if I noticed that joke or not. They said it so quickly.

Yeah. I mean, John Candy also did that guy. It was like. It was fishing with bands, like, where he would have new wave bands and he would fish with them. And then there was this throwaway thing where they would get the fish and they'd be cooking it and they would offer it to him and he would go, oh, I don't eat fish.

This message is brought to you by Airbnb. Twice I've used Airbnb in the city of San Francisco. I've loved it because I can feel like a person. You know how it is when I stay at a fancy hotel. Yeah. They're always like, oh, Mr. O', Brien, a legend. I can't believe it. I'm like, please, please. It's just. I'm just a person. No, you're a God. It goes on and on and on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Yeah.

All right. Nice.

That was me that said that. Anyway. And for those reasons, I won't stay at the Comfort Inn again. But I like this experience. I like this experience of just feeling like a person. And you can wander around. You feel like it's a very personal space. You can chill and I know, Blay, you're a big Airbnb person. Yeah. And I like to. When I go on trips, I like to put my place up to host so I can make a little extra scratch while I'm away. And I just got this cool new big, glowing egg lamp that changes colors. So it's very, very cool. And you've had no offers. Loved it. Except for the glowing egg. Yeah, you know, it's sci fi. It's relaxing. It's really cool. Well, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host as temperatures around the US start to drop, now is the perfect time to visit Scottsdale, the one place where you can still soak up the sun, get out and explore and relish in the Calm of fewer crowds. During this hidden gem timeframe, you can enjoy outdoor activities like hiking, yoga, horseback riding and more. Or take a stroll through Scottsdale's walkable old town districts with world class shops and some of America's most up and coming dining concepts. Scottsdale is home to the most spas per capita and more than 200 area golf courses, making for a luxe, relaxing getaway that will leave you feeling fresh before the busiest time of year. You know, I've been to Scottsdale.

Yeah.

And you know what's nice?

Huh?

When it gets really cold in other parts of the country, Scottsdale is the last place to get chilly. You know, you walk around, you can really enjoy those luxe dining concepts, which I mentioned before.

Yeah, you really did. It sounds like you're just rereading what.

You said before and just those great stores. They have great stores and I know.

You love to golf. Did you know they have a lot of golf courses?

When I'm not golfing, I'm miserable. You know that about me. I like getting the old mashy out and driving 1, 900 miles down the fairway.

Okay.

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We still do.

Were you the Van Halen brothers?

Oh, well, no, that was. That was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that. So we've had basically since the March 2020 until now. We have a text chain and we're. I mean, we basically communicate every day on it. I mean, our girlfriends and wives, you know, are you texting with John and, you know, and Kimmel? Sometimes, and other people. But I find the Van Halen brothers funny. I've always found them very funny. They're so talented and such great musicians, but they were very touchy. And they would air out their grievances to anybody. And I always find that funny. And there was an interview with them when David.

They're always mad at David Lee Roth.

They're always mad at David Lee Roth. And it was when they reunited at the MDV Movie or Music Awards. And it was just funny how I was like. And then, you know, so Dateous goes up there and, you know, it was like, Eddie Van Halen is like, you know, Dage goes up there, he's popping and booping, doing his Dave thing. He's very disrespectful to Beck. And then you hear Alex Van Halen going, yeah, very disrespectful. Very disrespectful to Beck. And I sent it to Mulaney and Fred, and Mulaney said, could you imagine getting rear ended by these guys? And then it just started us getting rear ended the conversation and then them holding a press conference. And I remember Fred had the joke he just put in parentheses, no one is asking anything. No reporter is asking a question. And then it was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time, one at a time.

Are they still mad at David Lee Roth even though he wasn't involved in the accident?

Yeah, that was probably. I just find out. Yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious too. Like, there's. There's a story someone told me. My friend Paul, who's in the band the ocs, told me a story. I don't know if it's true or not, but apparently Henry Rollins was going into like a Morning Zoo Crew interview, and David Lee Ross was coming out, you know, so it's like six in the morning, and David Lee Ross got this long, beautiful coat on, and Henry Rollins is like, hey, man, I just want to say I'm a big fan and everything. And David Lee Ross goes, oh, man, you want a drink? And he opened up the can and he just. It was lined with beer. The thing was just all these beers.

That sounds true. Yes.

And Henry Rollins is like the most straight edge guy around. He goes, no, man, no, I don't want to drink. And Daley Ross went, what's the matter, man? You got school tomorrow. I hope that's true.

I hope that's true.

It has to be true. It has to be cool tomorrow. I was like, I love this.

I love it when people.

I always literally not progress since no, no high school.

I love it when people are. I love it when people are who you want them to be at all times. That always made me really happy when I would meet celebrities or famous people, and they were exactly. Exactly who I wanted them to be.

When I worked at south park, he pitched a movie to us where it was. It was like. Like where he was an assassin and stuff. And he was like, about a guy trying to get his dog back. And we were like, oh. And we had to say, oh, they made this movie John Wick. That's kind of similar. Nah, but the guy has a dog. I go, yeah, no, he has a dog.

Famously. Famously?

What do you mean?

He's got a die. And then he thinks, no one's seen the movie.

Trey Parker. And Trey Parker pitched. He goes, well, what if you're you? And it's like, you're having to go on these missions, but you gotta, like, have the band, you know, the band's also going, hey, Dave, we need you on tour, and stuff like that. He goes, nah, I don't want those guys involved with this. Then he came by. I remember he walked around south park, and, you know, people, they draw on their desk, and they can, like, move around, and so they draw like this. So it's like the drawing desk is, like, canted, you know? And there was a guy drawing, and he just walked around and he went up to this guy who's drawing like that. He goes. And he goes. And he just sees him with this desk. He goes, hey, what's wrong with you? Long night.

Everything's in a party contest.

And he goes, long night. And he went. And the guy went, whoa, Diamond Dave, I'm not kidding.

Don't you think that's his life?

Yeah. People coming out of mantle is me then. Hey, it is me, Diamond Dave.

We are at the South Pasadena Fourth of July parade. And he was just unaffiliated with the parade, riding around on a bicycle throughout the, like, parade grounds.

Yeah, he was not invited to the parade.

Nothing to do at the parade. That's my favorite.

I want to be.

And he was nice. I just want to make it clear, like, we loved him at. At South Park. It wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were, like, totally in awe. We were like, oh, my God, that's fucking David Lee Ross. And he did not disappoint at all. And he was so sweet and nice. But, yeah, it was awesome.

You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person. There's a bunch of them who I rarely have a normal conversation with because it Goes into riffs and voices right away. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of people. I think Will Ferrell's in that group where I feel that if we were on a strand, if we were on a deserted island, stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water. We would just be doing things.

Drive everybody crazy.

Yeah.

And then it's funny, though. We'll have those conversations, and then it's usually when we're paying the check that I'm like, hey, I'm really depressed. I'm going through something. And you're like, oh, man, I'm so. You know.

No, no, it's. It's true. And then I feel like I. I'm like, yeah, yeah, we'll get to that.

You know who's also depressed? Wow.

This guy.

Yeah. I mean, you're depressed. Yeah. No, don't do Columbo right now.

Cause before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you, and I went in, and the first thing I was gonna do was ask you. Cause I know you live in the Palisades, and I was gonna ask you about, you know, your house and your family and everything. Before I could do it, we got off onto something, and then we're just laughing our asses off like idiots. And then just as we're about to come to the podcast, he went, yeah, no, no, we. We are. I think you said, like, two of our houses burned or something. And I. Yeah, it was something. Really. And I thought, shit. Yeah, I was supposed to start with that.

No, that's our. That's our whole. That's been our whole friendship. It's joy and fun and goofing around, and then it's like, oh, yeah, I'm here to tell you, like, should I go on medication, Conan?

Yeah.

You know, not if it makes you less funny. No. Yeah.

No. Absolutely not. Get those endorphins running with voices.

You should not.

Serotonin if you should be on medication.

No, no, I'm on so much medication. No, no. But it is true. Yeah. We lost. So my kids. My ex wife and I live very close to each other, and she lost her house. And then my house is standing, but, like, unlivable. It's like there's just devastation all around. And then the only way I could get up there. So fires are on Tuesday. I wasn't there because I was shooting the VW commercial as the Californians, and we were shooting that commercial, and so I'm dressed as the guy from the Californians in Malibu. And we look up and there's smoke. And it was me and Kristen Wiig in a scene. And Kristen, that morning, when there's a really bad windstorm coming, I'm really concerned about fires. First thing she said to me, and then we're shooting, and I look up, I saw smoke. And the guys go, oh, don't worry. That's in the Palisades. I go, I live in the Palisades. And it was just dead silence. And then I was like, I gotta go. And so I never got a chance to go home. And so I went. I just went up and I go, here. I have, you know, medication, which is true, you know, up there, and I need to go and get it. And they said, no, it's too dangerous. And I saw news crews, and I literally just went up to them, and I was like, you recognize me? And they're like, no. And I was like, all right. I go to the next one. I was like, you recognize me? And the guy's like, hey, no way. Hey, what's up, Diamond Dave? And I was like, that's right. Hey, man, I gotta get my.

I gotta get my story. Or I'm Judd Hirsch. You can be whoever you want to be.

Hey, you seen Ordinary People? How about Taxi?

Shit. So they let you up?

They let me up. I went up with them. So I went up with a news crew, and I go, do you guys want to interview me in front of my house?

I saw you interview me.

So that was the only way I could get up there was if I went up with the news crew. And so I went up, went into my house, and I was like, oh, wow, it's not too bad. And then I just stepped, and it was like dust, you know, toxic stuff everywhere. And then the back when it's. Yeah, it was no good. And I was just in total shock.

Sona lost her place in Altadena.

I'm sorry.

And it is something that must still feel crazily surreal to you.

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

It's crazy. It is.

It's just, you know, you want to keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay, but you miss the stuff that you lost. The community's gone.

Yeah, the community's gone. That was the hardest thing, was actually seeing, like, oh, my gosh, this is my kids. Yeah, this is. Everything is, you know, gone. And that was the thing that kind of hit me so hard was, oh, my God. You know, so that was horrible. And it was just kind of. I didn't. I thought I was going to go up there and hopefully the house Would be somewhat okay, and I could get my passport and get out of there or something. And instead it just seen the devastation of that community and everything. Just. I was, like, speechless. So then I. They. You know, I could feel those guys going, oh, we're going to get a good interview with you. And they could see that I was. It was hitting me. And then they felt bad and they went, we'll just turn off the camera and let's just take you back. And I was like, all right, thanks. Didn't do one. I did do one. They aired it. Oh, bastards. No, I'm joking. Like, you cry, cry, cry.

You did nine characters.

I did nine characters. I was like, oh, God, I can't believe it's gone.

Oh, my God. You guys like that?

How about that? Love me, love me.

Ends.

Nothing will make it die. My need for a laugh. No, but, yeah, it was just. It was crazy. I had this moment. Well, the moment that hit me was I grabbed. I had this instinct that I just grabbed my keys and I put it in my pocket, and I went, this.

These.

The car keys. The key. These open. Nothing. And I just, like, put them away. I was like, you know, those were those moments. But, yeah. And everybody who's dealing with that means the amount of gofundmes have been on and stuff like that, it's just been rough.

It's one of those strange things occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening, and you sort of become, you know, you're distanced from it, but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places. And then something on sort of with that kind of intensity happened.

Yeah.

And you think, wait a minute.

Well, the thing that's amazing with me is I'm looking at my kids, and they've been through a pandemic, and then they've been through this, and they're my. And then my daughter, I was like, well, I found a rental house. And she went, oh, can I see it? And like, oh, oh. And then she made. In her computer, she made this overview overhead view of her room, and she's like, oh, cool. So maybe I could put a dresser here. And she was so positive.

Yeah.

And I went, oh, they're so resilient, and they have their moments, you know, but it's. Everybody's like, oh, you're there for your kids. I'm like, no, I'm getting more from them. You know, I'm, like, so inspired by them and their ability to kind of move and Adapt and be positive.

You know, also, I feel like, especially really young kids, your kids are three and a half. Mikey and Charlie, they only know now, like, they're so present that we've talked about how you have no choice but to be present with them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're moving on.

They've moved on already. I don't even know if they fully. I mean, I know they remember the house, but they. It's starting to be muddled in with like, oh, we went to the mountains once. So that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to. Like, they're just. They're losing their memory of it.

Yeah.

And you're like, I don't remember in my house at three and a half. So, yeah, it makes sense that they just kind of.

That's true.

Or moving on.

Yeah. Mine are 15, 12 and 10. So it's like they were, you know, it was tough. And I mean, that was the most heartbreaking thing is my 10 year old just saying, I just want to go home. And you're like, honey, we can't. I can't go home. And that was brutal. But now it's, It's. Yeah, I get inspiration from them and. Yeah. Just being very lucky that you have a great support system of friends. Alyssa Donovan, who works with me, my girlfriend, Ali Wong. Like, all these people just been great. So. Yeah, it is. But yeah, it is a funny thing that Ali and I went today to just like, literally had to like, shop for clothes.

I know, I know.

And it was very sweet, you know, she was like, let's go get you some jeans.

It's like, you're going to camp.

I know, it was. But it was very sweet. It meant a lot to me that she was like, no, it's because I was. I'm just wearing like Uniqlo sweats, you know, that I basically, you know, and my kids are like, you.

You just.

You're living in your pajamas, you know, I mean, like, they're very worried. And I told her about that and she was like, let me take you to get some clothes. And I was so. That was so. Those are the moments.

They're just weird. I don't have. I'm obviously don't have. We're displaced from our home. We can't get back in. And there's been a lot of smoke damage. But my situation was just I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car. And so I'm in a hotel and I'm here at the recording studio, moving around, and I'm in different places. And so I try to do regular workouts. I think it's clear.

And I was saying you look good.

Yeah. Real nice.

Say it again. As Vincent Price.

You look very nice.

So.

Oh, faddle. Dana Gould's words. Faddle. We were watching the Last man on Earth, and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something and he went faddle. I fell over, like. And then. So, okay. What? Okay, so you're high.

No, no, no. I was doing. How have you made this about your high den? No, no, no. I had to. I was supposed to do a workout on Zoom, and I realized that I had no sneakers. And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes.

Got two people at an Altadena.

Well, I think. Now, listen.

Shelter being, like, just around, like, he didn't have his sneakers.

Yeah. What?

Do we not have everything.

Here's what I want to say. Now, I had sneakers that were perfectly good for working out, but for the kind of workout I was going to do, I like ones that have. Well, Brooks makes ones that have. If it's gonna be more aerobic, it has more of an insole. And, well, they're costly, but that's the ones that I wanted. And they were, of course, back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to. Why isn't this seen as a tragedy?

We don't have spoons. We have nothing.

Let me tell you another one I got. There's this kind of sea salt.

You guys know what dips are? I can do 20 dips. Well, I could do five on my own. Fifteen with my trainer holding my legs.

A trainer? One trainer holding each leg.

One trainer holding each leg. And another one lifting me up by my. Like a child, by my shoulders.

Let me try again, guys. I don't have access to my home. And there's this kind of sea salt that I have in my home.

It's there. The house is there.

It's. It's pink. It's a pink sea salt.

Put sea salt on the chocolate anymore?

No, no. And so you don't get the salty and the sweet. You get just the sweet.

Then I go down to Gelson's, and it's not there. No.

Then I go to Erewhan.

But of course, there's a line.

I think my stories rank with yours.

And I say, what do you mean you don't have the Hailey Beaver smoothie? You ran out of raspberry?

You know, I've always. I swear to God, I've always. And Lemon My mind always goes to what would make people mad. And me having a gofundme to get.

My sea salt to ketone in his sea salt for his chocolate that I.

Don'T have access to.

Oh.

Would get people so mad.

I can't believe this.

This is an atrocity.

What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites that are $25.

Per bite per bite?

What do you mean you have no kimchi?

Daddy needs his kimchi. Where is the kimchi?

I don't care if there's no electricity. I need my kimchi.

Me as that character going to different people who've had a terrible. Facing a much really bad situation. I don't know. It makes me happy. But then I realize, oh, it's so awful.

It's so awful. And I'm sorry, I can't. Yeah, it is. Yeah. It was just. And it's interesting, too, running into people who are also lost over house. I mean, that's the nice thing, too, I'll say, is that so many people went through it. So, you know, with my kids and everybody, you know, it's like they're running. They have friends who are going through the same thing, and so they're all bonding. I'm trying to just take it back to reality and trying to forget what Conan just said. I know.

I'm joking.

The rock sneakers thing.

I'm joking.

After we talked about losing our home homes, and you didn't have the right sneakers. You had sneakers. The right sneakers.

The sneakers I had were perfectly good.

Okay. Okay.

For any workout.

When I go back to my house after they fumigated it and I go into my Pretty Woman like closet.

Now I'm just gonna have to go in there and destroy everything. The. It's the perfect. I know.

Sea salt is the perfect thing to go fund me. Oh, my God, I have a headache.

Just a picture of me in a white tuxedo. My house is fine, but I don't have access to my seesaw.

During the fires, I took my yara to Catalina.

Do you know what that was like for me?

Do you know what that was like for me? The rocky back and forth, the people saying, can we get on?

You say, no, I have to hit them with an oar.

Hitting them with an oar throughout my back. I hurt my back. I just told my daughter, here's an oar. Poke at them as they try to get home.

That reminds me of a. This is a crazy memory. Takes me back to an SNL sketch of. I think there Was a terrible disaster. I forget what it was. I think it might be a Downey sketch. There was a terrible disaster.

He's the king of.

Yeah. And a Jim Downey sketch. And what happens is all the A listers have been wiped out and so the B listers have been elevated. It's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new A listers are. But I remember there was one part where, like, Charlton Heston is on an over capsized boat and he's hitting people with oars, I think. I don't know.

I love that. Yeah. Downey was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like, oh, really? We're gonna do this? Yeah. He was always the guy that I would be like, you want me to do this? Really? He's like, yeah, yeah, it'll be great. It'll be great. Everybody will laugh. Oh, God. Okay. I hope so. But, yeah, you know, the sketch. I always think of that. I wish that so many people have told me about Dana Carvey. Told me about everything. Was Giant Businessman. That was the Jack Handy one about the.

Chuck Handy was. He had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk and I had an office, and Robert Smigel would come back there all the time and the bunch of us would just work on things together. Handy had the office next to ours. And we, of course, would stay up like three nights in a row, and Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in. It's like he worked at a bank or something. He would put in, you know, eight hours and he'd type. And you'd think, well, you know, we're staying up three nights in a row. And then he would his stuff at rehearsal. Read through.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. But Giant Businessman, I loved Giant Businessman.

Was just Phil Hartman as a Giant Businessman inside a small. So it was him inside a small, like, apartment set. Yeah, yeah. And he's like this. And he's like. And you know, Pardo. And now the Adventures of Giant Businessman. And then it was him and the next door people, a band playing, like, loud. And then he can't concentrate. So then it cuts to him and he's like in the hallway and he has to crawl on his knees. He's huge, barely fit in the hallway. And he taps on the door with his finger and someone answers the door and he's like, in Shad. Businessman goes, excuse me, can you please turn your music down? And the friend goes, no. And if you ask us again, we'll kick Your ass. And then it cuts to him back in his apartment. He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, hello. Witness protection program says, this has been the adventures of giant businessman. So the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do.

No. And then he could step on these people.

He could step on them, and then he got scared. And so many people. Al Franken and Downey and Dana and everybody. I remember him doing it at the table. And they said that was the biggest laugh that they had heard at the table. That just kept going into the next sketch where people were like, wait, what? Will Forte was like that. He had that sketch, Potato Chip, that people talk about sometimes. And I just. That was like, at the table. Read it, said the script said potato chip. And then it. Lauren reads the stage direction. And Lauren went open on NASA and we all died. Like, it's called Potato Chip open on NASA. And we all fell over. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, well, Forte, I don't know where. He's like one of those guys. Like him and John Salman, when they get together, it's like they don't. It's like they don't know where it comes from.

Yeah.

You know, it's just very genuine. And. And he doesn't. When you would write with him, I would be laughing hard, and he kind of wouldn't be laughing. He would kind of look at you like, yeah, so. And then he would say the funniest shit I've ever heard. But it didn't. Yeah, he's like, no, no, no. These are jokes and we'll put them together, you know? But I always admired that, you know? Cause he never would try to put on or anything. He was just very. Just genuine.

It came from a really pure place.

Pure place, Yeah. I was always impressed with that.

Well, we've tapped out. We've gone. I mean, you've given us much joy. You've also given us some reality, which I, of course, ignore him. Talked about people losing their homes, and I made it, you know, about how I don't. Those really good sneakers.

Okay, yeah.

You can see it from my point of view now. I get it. No, you know what I'm saying?

We get it.

No, no, but you know what I mean. The ones with the really good arch.

Support, just you and Ralph's going, betty Crocker. Who the hell is Betty Crocker?

Why is this so inexpensive? My God, here she is. Someone carry me out of here. Nine people with me. Carry me away. I think about you from Time to time. Because you're obviously one of the funniest people certainly I've ever met. But you're also. You're a very sensitive person, and you're a really sweet guy. And I like it when we get to hang out and I've gotta. I'd like to hang out more and maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're doing. Like, how are you?

No, man. But that's good, though. It's like, it always gets around to that.

It gets around to that.

It always gets around to that. And you always give me great advice. And the thing. I always feel like. Like it's a whole cottage industry. Like you, You. You mentioned in an interview, like, oh, yeah, I suffer, like, really bad anxiety and depression and stuff. And then everybody is. It becomes like a whole thing. Where now it's like, I would do interviews and I'm like, google my name and anxiety. You'll see everything I have to say about it. You know what I mean? And, like, depression and all that. But when I talk to people like, you know, you or. Or Marty or these other, you know, people, you know, admire so much for so long, and you guys. We talk about it and stuff. You guys have been so great at listening and giving me great advice and, you know, so. I really appreciate that, man.

Yeah. It's good just to know that so many people out there who in all walks of life have this issue, but it's also particularly an occupational hazard.

Oh, yeah.

In the comedy world. I don't know what it is, but something where you. It's the flip side of the coin.

Yeah, totally. And I think I've just gotten to this place, though, where it's like, kind of for the first time in a healthier place. I mean, it's nice seeing Ally, my girlfriend, who's, you know, does stand up and is. But is like a very solid person. Like, she makes breakfast for her kids every morning, makes dinner. She's home. It's like her priorities are so dead on. And I'm like, wow, you can be really funny, really smart, and do all the cool stuff and still have that. You know, be a person, you know, a human, you know? So that's been helpful.

Oh, cozy sadness. No, I'm just. Now I'm thinking I gotta start making food.

Aw, you need to do a lot more than that.

I know.

What do you want? All right. What does everyone want for breakfast? No.

It'S Benedict Postmate.

You will get Honey Nut Cheerios.

Dry Honey Nut Julio. I love this version of me because it is me. Just with that different accent.

I'm the mayor of a multi.

My house. Largely unscathed.

Largely unscathed as usually.

Bill Hader, God bless you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here. This message is brought to you by Sonic. You know, football fans deserve the Sonic smasher. Made with hand smashed Angus beef served hot off the grill. And for a limited time, when you order one Sonic smasher, you get a free large drink when you order in the app. Football fans also deserve a quarterback who never gets injured and always delivers in the clutch. Unfortunately, Sonic can't give you that, but they can see we're helping their comedy.

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Go to quint.comconan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That sounds like a whole year. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comconan free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comconan cybercrime is a serious problem in the United States, is this a psa? The Internet can be a very dark, dark place. And, Sona, I understand that you've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work.

That's right. I was at Target.

You were at Target. And what do you want to back this up and say what exactly happened?

Yeah, there's an email that is no longer checked. It's not a working email, but every once in a while, someone will check it, like once a month, once every two weeks, whatever. It was forwarded to me. And it's an email from Conan o'.

Brien.

Yeah. And it says, request for contact information.

Yeah.

Dear Sona, I hope you're doing well.

This guy did not do his research.

When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me? I have a task I'd like to you to assist with. Best regards, Conan o'. Brien.

Wow. Yeah, well, a couple of problems there. It doesn't quite have my tone.

No.

And I would know not to ask for your assistance in any matter. That was such a lazy try. What's the end game here?

Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you.

They want myself.

Yeah.

And so, you know, I mean, it's just. But it's also. Best regards, Conan o'. Brien. And then. In what world do you not have my cell phone?

Also, there's no bid in there.

Yeah.

There's no shtick.

I hope you're doing well. You should hope I'm doing well.

Apparently, there's no insult. Well, that's what I mean. There's no shtick. There's no bit, there's no hook. This person has never listened to this podcast, has never watched any of my work, has me confused with the ambassador, the American ambassador of France, Dean Adley Stevenson.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's ridiculous. That's a letter between two high functionaries in the late 50s.

That's the thing. It's like, if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense, but that doesn't. You've never ended an email with, best regards, Conan o'. Brien.

Right. And my email too would be like, hey, Sona, why is Skrillex keep calling me? And another thing, trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere.

Maybe this was Skrillex.

I always throw. I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete. Has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do. And then to say to you or to David, like, why am I. Why is Dua Lipa texting me constantly. What's that all about?

Yeah, lately, it's a lot of Benny Blanco.

Yes. I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco. I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass? And you', wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't want to hang, and I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling. And so who would lie about that? Who with real things to worry about would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiance? I was wondering, wanting to go.

You don't know who Benny Blanco is?

Where have you been, ma'?

Am?

Come on, Matt. Get with it, bro.

I've been bowling with Skrillex.

Oh, my God. Eduardo's laughing at you so hard. Skrillex. Oh, God.

Yeah. He no longer dates Skrill. He's Skrill's ex.

Okay.

My point is.

You know what?

My point is that I do want to get it out there that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco sliding into my dm.

You know what? You don't even. Can I just say, does Benny Blanco.

Even know who I am? Because I get the sense he's really cool. I don't think he does. He seems like a cool guy, and Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person. They're a very cool couple. And now I'm obsessed with Benny Blanco reaching out to me, and I don't think it's gonna happen. And I don't even know much about Benny Blanco.

If he does, would you try to, like. Like, say cool things to him?

Yes, I would.

Okay. I was just wondering if, like.

Okay, let's try it right now. You be Benny Blanco.

Hey. Hey, Conan. Sup, bro?

Hey, Benny Blanco. What's the score?

Wait, he did write that email.

Hey, Benny Blanco. Hope you're doing well. Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan o'. Brien.

Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, hey, Benny, nice to hear from you.

We haven't been properly introduced yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me. Benny.

Then you said, what's the score?

Yeah.

Sorry. Okay. Okay. All right. What? Why are you talking so weird, Conor? I'm just seeing what's up, man.

My best regards to Selena. She has conquered vocally music. And she has done quite well in light comedy with murders in the building. Murders in the building.

Conan.

Are.

Is this really Conan, or is this a scam?

Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco. This is the real McCoy. Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime. Get the old Brusky Aruni.

Oh, Brusky Aruni, huh? You know what? Actually, I'm busy. I just wanted to check in, and I heard you've been talking a lot about me. But I am not sliding into your DMs. You're old.

I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey. And someday you'll be my age. And your hips will hurt.

Oh, God, I hope not. I won't ever get as old as you.

Well, few people have, Benny Blanco. Few people have. I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco.

Yes. Okay. It was really good talking to you. You'll never hear from me again. Coming in.

See you in the clubs.

Oh, God. Don't say clubs. You won't see me in any of the clubs that you think that you'd go to.

I don't know.

It's me. Hey, it's me. Skrill X. I'll hang out with you.

Hey, look, it's Diplo.

Oh, my God, Diplo.

Yeah. I saw his name on a. On a billboard once, and I got obsessed. Yeah, Diplo in Vegas. And I was like, I don't know what he does. There's just a picture of a guy staring at me. I want a piece of that.

He's a DJ.

Okay, whatever. I know they're DJs, because it's. Producer DJ. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Eduardo.

Eduardo.

You've gone too far, Eduardo.

All I know. All I know is that when I see a billboard of a. Of a man scowling at me and just wearing no particular outfit, just a T shirt, and they're scowling at me, and it's a name and it says Vegas. I know. They're a dj. Yeah, but there's no. It's. What kind of show business is that?

If. If Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets. I know it's not your scene.

I'll go.

You. You have to go.

I'll go.

And you have to stand next to them in the booth.

Message to Benny Blanco, Diplo, Skrillex, Habnat.

Jab, jab.

Who else?

Tiesto.

Tiesto?

Oh, my God, Tiesto.

Steve Aoki.

Steve Aoki?

Yeah.

I mean, you just. What's that? Paulie D. Pauly dj. Paulie D. Wait, Pauly D from Jersey Shore? That's Adam. Wait, they still don't know his last name?

Poly Jersey.

Over here.

That's why?

Okay, so listen, let's. Let's wrap it up. Let's summarize. Pauly D. Tedesco. What's that? Tiesto. Tiesto. Chain smokers. Chain smokers. I mean, you name it. You got Robinson, of course. I mean, I had that one written down by. Before you even said it.

Wolfman Jack.

Oh, no. I want to hang with any of Wolf Pig Amadeus, but. So you're not too far off. Yeah, that's what he meant. Listen, I am ready to. To hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need.

Yeah.

Cuz no one's going to see that coming. Me standing next to them while they're DJing. Yeah, whatever that is.

With a big hat. Cuz it's Vegas and you're probably outside and you're like fully covered.

I'm holding one of those incredibly giant liquors.

What is it?

Oh, a yard of like a yard of beer.

I thought you were going to say like a, like an Asian parasol or something like that.

Yes, I'm holding. I'm holding a geisha's parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized 0.0 Heineken.

Covered head to toe.

Ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch. Hey, Diplo. There's Benny Blanco and Skrillex. Boo. All right, I'm signing off.

Oh. Please end this.

Enjoy this segment.

Best regards.

Best regards, Conan o'. Brien.

Conan o' Brien needs a friend. With Conan o' Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Lee. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up@siriusxm.com Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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