What Can I Do When My Child Says "I Feel Sad"

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Hi, welcome to another Talking sense with me, Dr. Marta.

Hi.

I'm a clinical psychologist trained in family therapy and every week I answer one of your real life questions to offer you psychological understandings, ideas and suggestions to guide you. Before we begin, I always like to offer you a small mindful moment. Something to ground you here and now before we move on. And for today, I'm going to invite you to do some mindful eating or drinking. Doesn't have to be complicated. Could just be a little bit of a cup of of tea or some water. I want you to focus on the temperature, how the liquid feels on your tongue, how it tastes, or maybe even just watch what it looks like in your cup or your glass. We tend to think that mindfulness has to be something really complicated and we need to, like, erase any thoughts or ideas that go through our mind, where really, it's just about focusing our mind on those little things that. That we often don't even look at. And when you're ready, let's begin.

Today I have a cold, so I apologize if my voice sounds a little bit croaky or there's any part of this podcast where I am not enunciating very clearly. I hope it will not impact on your listening of the podcast or understanding of the things that we talk about today. Today's question is about sadness, particularly around bedtime. Let's have A Listen.

Hi, Dr. Marta. Thanks so much for this wonderful podcast. I had a question for you. It's about my son. He's age six. Every evening before bedtime, he gets kind of this rush of feelings, and he'll say, mummy, I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. And he'll often come to me, actually sometimes during the day as well. Mummy, I feel sad. And because he can't figure out what's causing the feeling, he becomes quite distressed by it. And sometimes I will try and tell him to tell me whether sadness is in his body, which part, and to breathe into it.

But the reason I'm reaching out is because none of these techniques seem to bring him any.

Calmness or sense of safety. I'm just reaching out to see if you have any other ideas for dealing with this.

Because it's, you know, it's a recurring thing now, and actually it happens probably quite a few times a day.

In relation to the sadness. Thanks so much for everything you do and continue to do. Thank you.

There are several things about this question that I want to speak to, and one of them is about the difference between sadness and tiredness and kind of our adult assumptions about the words that our children are using. So I'm going to talk about that first and foremost. I also think it's really important to think about that kind of sense as a parent, when you think I'm doing something wrong, I'm failing my child, or I'm not parenting them right, because they have a certain feeling around them a lot. And I think that's a really important thing that we need to think about. So I'm going to talk about that as well. And I'm also going to think about what are the kind of red flags or the things to look out for that will help, you know, if your child is indeed feeling a lot of sadness and what you need to do then, and if not, if sadness is just, you know, an emotion that comes along every now and again, what can you do about that? Because there's a difference between low mood, or if we're going to give it a kind of clinical label, depression and sadness that our children experience or that we experience and how we manage those is different. But I think you need to understand the difference so that you can make sense of how to be most useful and supportive to your child. So first I'm going to begin thinking about sadness and tiredness. Then I'm going to talk about you, the parent who is trying to do your best, and what happens when you start to feel like you're a failure. And finally, let's look at sadness and kind of differentiate the types and the levels of sadness that our children might experience. Okay, so here's a kind of tricky thing I'm going to say. And I'm saying it's tricky because I don't think it's something we think about very much. I think as adults, we make an assumption that if somebody describes an emotion and says something like, I feel sad, they. That must mean that they feel the way that we feel when we feel sad. Now, the reality is, when it comes to emotion and emotional intelligence and emotional communication, that that is not true. We all feel emotions uniquely differently. There is no one kind of template for sadness or no one template for anger. No one template for happiness even. Okay? These are emotions that are very personal. They are subjective. And when our child names an emotion, it's really important that firstly we get curious with them. We want to really understand what is sadness to our child? What does it mean? Where do they feel it in their body? And how do they know that that feeling is sadness and not something else? What is sadness telling them? Is it giving them stories in their mind or is it giving them ideas or images? Now, it's really important because often children, particularly around this age, between the ages of 6 and 8, have very good vocabulary. But sometimes what they are trying to express is not the word that they're using. And particularly when it comes to things like emotional intelligence, unless you're a parent who has spent a lot of time trying to learn emotional language with your child, giving your child that really kind of attuned and nuanced way of allowing them to express emotion, not just with, like, the words that we use, but the words that make sense to them. So, for example, some children will cause sadness.

A cloud, or they might call it a blob, or they Might call it like fuzziness. So if these are not words that you've ever heard a child use to explain an emotion and for you to understand it, then I would be very cautious about assuming that when your child says that they feel sad at bedtime and it's happening every night, and if you've asked them, you know why they can't find a reason that they really do feel sad, I'm not saying that they don't. So this is not about dismissing your child. This is about getting really, really curious about something that we often just make, like a gross assumption about. So what this looks like is a conversation like, so lovely done by this parent in this question. But I want you to go deeper. It's not just about where is the feeling? And let's breathe into it. Because in a way that dismisses where sadness is and what it might be doing. We don't want to get rid of sadness. Okay. Again, something that might be tricky for you to hear, but we don't, because that's not our job as parents. It's not to get rid of an emotion that our child is feeling in their body. It's to understand and listen to it, to make sense of it, to help them articulate it, and then perhaps our child can find a solution for it. Lot us, we're just the guides. We're just the safe space with a kind of. With a person who's saying to them, it's okay that you feel this way. So the conversation may sound like those questions I just shared. And you could go deeper depending on how your child is feeling and what is happening. So you know, okay, you feel sad. Tell me how you know that this is sadness. A lot, another feeling. And I'm going to give you another feeling that is very similar to sadness, which is tiredness. Okay, so what you want to say to your child if sadness shows up at bedtime is, how do you know this is not the same as tired? Can you tell me what the difference is in your body when you feel tired? How do you know that's not sad and vice versa? Like, can we break this down for our child? Because tiredness feels a lot like sadness. It often feels heavy. It often can make children feel a little bit teary, a little bit emotional, a little bit dysregulated. So for some children, it's manic. For others it's kind of like a little bit weepy, a little bit clingy. They want to stay close. They don't want to separate at bedtime. And that lack of wanting to separate is also because they know their body is kind of drifting off. Okay. Tiredness is sweeping them away from keeping their eyes open. And it can bring up a little bit of anxiety and a little bit of sadness. Sadness at saying goodbye to you at bedtime. So how do we know it's tired and not sad? Or how does your child know it's sad, not tired, or a little bit of both? The only way to figure this out is through communication. It's through exploration. It's through this curiosity of really understanding the difference between tiredness and sadness. Now, if you're able to, I would have this conversation during the day. That is always the best time when a feeling shows up regularly in a pattern. You want to get curious and explore this during the day so that when you get to the evening, you have a bit more of a plan of how you're going to manage it in the moment. So during the day, get curious. Get really curious. Does your child know the difference between tired and sad? Can they name it in their bodies? Can they name how it makes their body feel slightly different or how it brings up different images or different ideas in their mind? Okay. So feeling sad is often about not enjoying doing something. It's about a withdrawal of interaction and engagement. Okay. When sadness is really around, and I'm going to talk about this in a bit, but what it does is make your child withdraw. What you will notice is that their spark is gone. But this isn't just at bedtime. This is across the day, across the weeks, across possibly a few months. Okay. That you'll see my child is not enjoying things they normally enjoy. And it's not just toys or games. It's interactions with others. It might be food, and often it's also sleep. And often what big sadness leads to is either lack of being able to fall asleep or sleeping much, much longer. Okay. So tiredness feels like their body getting really heavy, their eyelids kind of like sandman showing up. Okay. Their eyelids feeling really, really heavy, Sometimes a little bit teary, which is normal. It's a physiological way of moistening the eyes before they close, which is to do with sleep. It can also make kids feel a little bit scared and worried about separating from you. Okay. Tiredness can be feel a little bit vulnerable, like my body's about to shut down and I'm not feeling safe. So if a child doesn't feel safe, they will struggle to fall asleep a little bit. And tiredness can feel scary to them rather than comfort or soothing. So it's really important that you separate these two things, that you have a clear picture in your mind. Because perhaps a child who feels sad every bedtime is actually saying that they feel tired, but they haven't learned that difference. So you need to work through that. It can also be that when children learn that they're talking about emotions at bedtime, it keeps you closer to them, and it might make them feel like, you know, when I feel this way, I know my parent will stay with me. Now, this is not a manipulation, okay? It's not. It's a learning of what keeps you close to them, and that's really important. But it might be that they need you close because they're really tired. As I was saying, it can feel a little bit scary to fall asleep. So if this is the case, it's about being able to explain to your child that even when you're really tired and sadness isn't around, but it's just sleepiness, I will stay by your side. I will still be here. And we can still do some lovely relaxation or some nice breathing. If that's something that you're doing now for sadness and it seems to help, great. Or we can do something that's really connecting and positive with our child, which can be not just reading a story, which for some children is quite passive. It can be things like using story dice. So they're great. I can add a link, but they're really great little things. They're just little dice with pictures on them. And the way that I like to use them at bedtimes is to kind of both have a go, you and your child. You throw some dice and you create a story, and then your child does the same. And you can also make it into a what will you dream about tonight? Story. So you can throw the dice and say, tonight. These are some of the things that you might dream about. Always make it funny, positive, you know, enjoyable, obviously, because what we want to do is send our children off to sleep with happy, positive thoughts, visuals, ideas. And so our conversation is not necessarily distracting from a sadness. Even if your child is feeling sad, this can be really helpful to help them get to sleep. Sleep. What we're doing is gearing their brain to go to sleep and rest, which is really important for your child. And the sadness can be worked on in the morning. During the daytime, we want to keep the kind of big conversations about emotion away from the bedside. Otherwise, they can keep our children alert and awake, which is the opposite of what we want to do. Bringing calm, safety, security, security so that they can Go into a deep, comfortable sleep. So first step, please make sure that when your child is saying a feeling, that is the feeling that you both understand because you don't know yet if you haven't explored it. I would also add that you can ask your child to rename that feeling at bedtime into a label that makes sense to them. So. So maybe it's not sad, maybe it's not tired, maybe it's something else. I don't know what it could be. Maybe it's sleepy, maybe it's drowsy, maybe it's a funny word that your child can come up with that signals, okay, this is that feeling again where my child needs that little bit more of interaction and connection. I need to stay here by their side and help them relax or help them have a positive kind of visual or story before they go to bed. So think about that. Offer your child that choice of what can we rename this feeling that doesn't quite sound like sadness, but it also isn't tired. It's a different thing. What can we call it? What would you like to name it so that you and I understand that when you use that word, this is the feeling that is in your body in this moment. And it's really important because we all experience feelings differently, like I said at the very beginning, and that might seem really strange if you've never heard about that before, but we have a lot of evidence that we all experience feelings in our body differently from each other. My experience of sad and tired is not your experience of sad and tired. And therefore we need to help our children make sense of that. We need to help them develop emotional literacy through language, but also through understanding how their body feels in these moments and understanding the difference in those feelings in their body. When there are emotions that are actually quite similar to each other, like sadness and tiredness, can they really describe what it feels like? And can they start to associate one with a label and the other feeling with a different one? And like I said, they can rename it. It doesn't have to be these labels that we use commonly between us. It can be something that makes sense to you and your child because the most important thing is that it moves you and your child towards the kind of supportive and helpful actions that they need.

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Now I want to talk a little bit about how you as a parent may feel really pulled when your child expresses emotions or feelings that are difficult or that in society we might name as bad. And I don't, I don't think of any emotion as bad. And the reason for that is that all emotions and feelings are, are really good. They are really helpful messengers that give us useful information about the experiences that we're having in the real world. And without emotion, we basically not alive. We're not human. So one of the things that I really say repeatedly is about how your job as a parent is not to fix your child's emotions. It's not to take away sadness or do something so that your child isn't sad at every bedtime. That's just not your job. And if your child is feeling sad at bedtimes and during the day and you're noticing it more around them, it is not a reflection of your parenting and it's not a reflection of something that you're getting wrong. It's about your child's experience of the world. And perhaps some of those experiences are at home, but more than likely those experiences are coming from the school. Friendships. Things that they are experiencing inside their bodies, like their thoughts, like their images, like their worries. There's so many things going on in your child's brain, in their body, in their inner world that bring up emotion for them and they have nothing to do with you. So it's really, really important that when you hear yourself with these self critical thoughts, as the person in the question said, that you really take a step back and think, it's not about me. These feelings that you're seeing, they're about your child's experience of the world and none of them are bad. Your job is not to take these feelings away. Your job is to Help your child navigate them, move through them, understand them, build language around them, develop some coping strategies for them. All those things, you can be their guide and you can be their helper. And you can also particularly be their safe person who doesn't just dismiss or devalue your child, who is able to sit there with the discomfort of an emotion. Because one of the things that helps all of us, and particularly children, but all of us, adults included, is to have someone by our side. Say, how you're feeling isn't scaring me away. I'm okay to be sat here with you. I can take this. You're the one who's feeling really sad or really scared or really angry. And I can see that this is really difficult. And I'm just going to stay here by your side and move through it with you. I'm not going to try and fix it, make it better, tell you that how you feel is not real. I'm just going to be part of your experience if it's helpful to you. And hopefully together we're gonna find a way out. Now, this is really important because I think as a parent, if what you get is this sense of, I'm failing, I'm doing something wrong, what that tends to do to us as adults is pull us in the direction to fix, and it makes us become more reactive and less useful, responsive. Because what we're doing is reacting to this emotion that we must get rid of. What are we doing wrong? How can I make this better? How can I fix this? And what we're doing is ignoring the core of what the emotion is about. The emotion is giving you useful information. As a parent, you need to see your children's feelings and emotions as like, really useful information that can guide your next steps. So you're playing the role of a detective who has to stay really curious about the evidence that you're seeing in your child. And it's your curiosity, your questions, your way of kind of looking at emotion across the day. So if you're worried that your child feels sad all the time, you need to keep an eye out on sadness. And we're going to talk about that next. You need to record it, keep an eye on it, really reflect on, is it sadness that you see or is it something else? And you then need to work with your child to think about how to support them. And sadness really does like company. Sadness doesn't like to be alone. To be really alone with sadness can be one of the hardest things. But as soon as we know that there's Someone beside us, by our side. Even if we don't understand why sadness is around, but they're not scared of it, and they're going to be there with us while we're feeling this way. Sadness tends to shrink like sadness does really well when we share it with others through communication, through emotion, which might be like crying or physically touching for comfort or soothing, Sadness kind of starts to shrink and it feels better because it wants to be seen and it wants to be heard. So just remember that, okay? It is not a reflection on your parenting if your child has these big, strong emotions. It's your job is to listen to this, to become aware of it, to use it as information to guide your next steps and support your child through it. It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or that, you know, what are you creating in your home to make your child so sad? It just means that you are that safe person. Your child is going to to say, I feel sad and I don't know why. And what they're asking is, can you tolerate this? Can you be there for me even if I can't get rid of it, even if I don't know what to do about it? And next we're going to talk about those things that as a parent, I think everybody should know and keep an eye out for in terms of red flags, when sadness is no longer just a temporary emotion that passes, but it might be low mood or like I said, if we're going to use a clinical term, depression, what's the difference and how can you know? So firstly, I really don't want to pathologize sadness. To feel sad is normal. It's a human emotion. We all feel sadness sometimes. It's a reaction to loss. It's a reaction to disappointment. We as a society often see sadness as either a weakness or a disadvantage. And that is so, so unhelpful. Because temporary sadness is part of a process of us as humans moving through difficult experiences. And when we forego that process, that sadness, those emotions, they get locked, trapped in our bodies and it becomes really unhelpful. So there's a difference between temporary sadness that is appropriate and a sadness that feels like it's stuck. And when children get stuck in sadness, that might look like feeling sad, hopeless, or even irritable. So anger is a really great mask for sadness. And if you notice that your child is getting very angry during the day and it's happening a lot, it might be sadness lying underneath. But this needs to be in terms of, like, every single day that it's happening a lot. And it looks totally different to how your child used to seem. It will look like withdrawal from pleasurable activities. So that means all the nice fun things that your child usually likes to do, they're not interested in anymore. So they look a little bit like they're constantly bored or they're constantly like lazy and they've stopped wanting to socialize perhaps with their friends or do the activities that they really enjoyed. They just don't want to do anything anymore. And that might include getting out of bed as well. It often shows up in changes in their eating patterns. Some children eat more, some children eat a lot less, and it can show up in sleep as well. So again, some children may struggle to fall asleep, some children may wake up at the crack of dawn and, and some children might sleep for hours on end. So you have to start waking them up every morning. So what you notice is like a change in energy. And your child's energy, I think of it as a bit of a spark. So rather than seeing your child's sparkly side, what you see is that they look sluggish, they're tired, they're tense, they're restless, but they're not quite themselves. And a couple of other things that you might notice are things like focusing or paying attention to things or looking like they're doing self destructive behaviors. So things that hurt themselves. So some children will kind of attack themselves, self harm or self injury and yes, even little ones. So things like banging themselves or using objects to hit themselves when they're really angry. And that can be of course as a one off, nothing at all. But if it's persistent, if any of these things that I've just talked about are persistent, you see them show up around your child a lot and a lot more than you've ever seen them before, then I want you to think of this as low mood, as a low mood that you need to perhaps seek support for. Not just think of it as my child is sad. Okay, this might be something that you need a little bit of help with. And it is something that I would say no matter how old your child is, because we know that low mood can affect children of really young ages, like from around the age of five or six, it can happen, just seek support. So go to your doctor, tell them that you think that your child's got low mood, that they need some support, show their symptoms, which aren't just about saying I feel safe, sad, but they need to be shown in these behaviors that affect their quality of life and their everyday and get some support and some help. It usually will be with a psychologist like myself. And there are lots of interventions, talking therapies and kind of behavioral interventions for sadness, which are about finding joy in the everyday. And it's a process. It never is a quick fix. And it's not about taking the sadness away. Even then. In therapy, the first step is ways to understand what is happening to your child and help them move through it rather than just quickly snap our fingers. Magic wand, take sadness away, because that's not helpful. And we know long term that when we're able to equip children with coping tools and strategies for low mood, it helps them towards, like, as they get older. And so this is not necessarily a bad thing. Okay? Seeking help is not a source of weakness, that as a parent you failed them or you haven't managed to do it by yourself. It just shows that you care and that you want to support your child as best as you can. And that's what professionals like me are there for. So don't hesitate to do this, okay? Seek support. And sometimes, maybe all you'll get will be reassurance that your child isn't low in mood and everything is okay. But if you see lots and lots of these symptoms, and I would definitely seek professional support. And what if what you see is just sadness, temporary sadness, but still, that can feel really hard. As a parent, to watch your child feel sad is really, really hard. So the first few things are basic, but they're the key, really. They're about being with your child and validating their emotion, which doesn't necessarily mean that you agree with how they feel. It means that you are feeling it with them. Okay? You're bringing your child's brain to a state of calm where it can be open to your leadership and influence. So it means that you're validating something. Okay, Like, I can hear that you're feeling really sad. I'm here. That can be enough. Just saying to your child, when they're like, I'm feeling really sad, that's okay, I'm here. We all feel sad sometimes. What's going on? What's going through your mind? What's going through your body? Okay, get curious, Talk to them about it. But firstly and foremostly, you need to empathize and validate your child. And when you meet your child's emotion with this kind of empathy and validation that what they're feeling is okay, that you hear them, that you're not going to try and fix it, you're not going to move them from this emotion.

You're not going to.

You're just going to be there with them. What it does is build and grow your child's trust in the relationship that they have with you. And it builds your child's safety and trust in the relationship they have with their bodies. Because what happens when we empathize and validate with our child's emotions is that they begin to learn that it is safe to feel sad. That sadness might not feel good, but it's safe. And if we just give it time, it passes. And if you're there by their side when it passes, that's even better. Now, you don't need to distract. You don't actually need to do very much. We just need to sit and be with. And if this happens at bedtime, what I would say is just to remind your child that feeling sad is okay and that they are safe in their bed and that you're there right beside them. And sadness is not going to stop them falling asleep. And in the morning when they wake up, you can talk to them about the sadness. You can really explore what is happening for them. But right now it's bedtime. And the sad feeling, it can stay or maybe it will go. And that's okay because you're going to be there with them for this. And perhaps that's the time where you do the story dice or you just read a little book or you do a guided meditation. Whatever you think works with your child, but it's about helping them understand that the sadness we don't need to get rid of before we go to sleep, it can stay there. And when we close our eyes, something different is going to happen to our bodies. Okay? Because when we feel sad, but we're still able to fall asleep in the safety and security of a loving other like you, their parent, it will still send them to a good sleep. So just remember that, okay? Validate, empathize, be with your child. No need to fix, no need to move it away. Just help them understand that they are safe and secure with you. And if sadness is something that you need to talk about during the day, please do so and help your child think about what helps them when they feel sad. What would help them in that moment? What can you do to help them through? But this is a conversation for daytime, not bedtime, and we're coming to an end. Thank you for joining me on another Talking Sense podcast. If you have enjoyed this podcast and you want to learn more about feelings and emotions and the kind of parent that you can be around your child in these moments. I warmly invite you to pre order my book, how to Be the Grown Up. I have written an entire chapter on emotion and it doesn't just include sadness. It includes other feelings such as jealousy and anger and anxiety. And in all of them, I walk you through what the emotion is about, what we know is most useful when we want to overcome the emotion and the things that you, as your child's grown up, can do to be the most useful person around for them. So the link is in my caption and I look forward to hearing what you think once you have read it. Before I go, I always like to give you a little mantra to hold you for the rest of the week. And this week my mantra to you is Tears are natural and unavoidable. I want you to befriend these big emotions such as sadness and and not see them as things that we need to overcome or to like, stop feeling, but instead as useful guides to what steps you can take next. And with that in mind, I look forward to seeing you next week on Another Talking Sense. Until then, see you soon.

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