Oh No! I Just Lost It. How Do I Repair With My Child?

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Hi, welcome to Talking Sense, a podcast with me, Dr. Marta. I'm a clinical psychologist trained in family therapy and every week I answer one of your real life questions to offer you psychological understandings, ideas and suggestions to guide you. Before we begin, I always like to give you a mindful moment just to pause before we begin our conversation. Today I want to invite you to either get an ice cold drink or something like a strong mint or a sour sweet. Try and taste it and really feel the sensations while you're eating or drinking it. Notice what happens to your body when you do and sometimes that can be enough to shift our body and mind into a different place. So give that a try now or a little bit later and when you're ready, let's begin.

Today's question is on repair and it's one of my favorite topics, so let's have a listen.

Hi Dr. Marta, I have a question for you. I have a three year old son and a one year old son and I find my three year old is having quite a lot of.

Difficult behaviours at the moment and quite often at the end of the day I end up having, shouting or losing my temper with him. And I guess my question really is how do I repair? Because obviously I'm very aware when I lose my temper that that impacts our relationship. And I'd love to know how I.

Repair that damage and then move forward in a positive way. So quite often I'll apologise.

But he's three and he finds that difficult to really concentrate on that apology. So how do I do that in a way that's age appropriate?

Thanks.

I really love this question and the fact that this parent is thinking about repair. With a three year old, I will be talking about what is developmentally appropriate, but I think repair is for all ages. So I'm not just going to focus on little ones because I think it's really important that, that as adults we talk about this and we have these conversations. I actually think lots of adults don't know how to apologize. And it's not your fault if apologizing to others feels really difficult or awkward, or you can't quite find your words, or you kind of say I'm sorry, but you always feel like you didn't quite get it right. Because apologizing when we're thinking about it from the point of view of repairing a rupture in a relationship, that's why it's called repair. Okay, what we're doing is saying we have created a wound here in a relationship with another. And what I want to do is not just stick a plaster on it, I want it to heal. When we do that, the way that we learn about that is often in our childhood in the way that others repaired with us. And I think what is true for many adults of my generation, not everyone, of course not, but many, is that that form of repair, that kind of healing of our relationship, was never done to us. So if as a child you never had adults, parents, family members, teachers, maybe, you know, other professionals, other people around you actually genuinely try and heal a wound that they created in your relations with them, it's going to feel awkward, unfamiliar, strange. It's just going to feel a little bit tricky to do this with your child. And so that is why I think these conversations are really important, I think, because hopefully this podcast offers you a little bit of space to reflect on what was done or not done with you and some of the skills that you might be missing. And then we can have a think about how you do this with your little one, your school age child and your teenager because at the end of the day, it's all the same thing, okay? At the core of it all is empathy, and at the core of it all is a commitment, a real drive to want to keep a relationship together. That's what repair is about. And when it comes to parenting and our children, when it comes to adults with kids, not adults with adults, what is really important as a message that I want you to hold is that repair always starts with you. If you have shouted at your child or you've lost your temper, no matter what your child did in the moments before that, I want you to realize and recognize that when you repair, you are acknowledging what you did wrong. And this is something that I think lots of adults find very difficult because we often have in our minds this idea of, but my child just did something, and they made me shout. Now, nobody makes you shout, okay? You shouting is your responsibility. You losing your temper, having big emotions sparked within your body. That is something that's happening to you. It is not your child's responsibility to stop those things happening. You are the only person that can control how you react. And yes, this is incredibly difficult, but that is what adult repair with a child is about. It's about acknowledging and accepting that we have done something wrong. And it's making ourselves accountable, not just to our child, who might be too small to recognize these things, but to ourselves. Because when we see speak a genuine apology that has the intention to repair, what we're really doing genuinely is saying, I admit to myself that I have a problem or that I've done something wrong or that I need to work on something, or that I'm lacking skills in an area. And it's about you committing in this relationship you're building with your child to work on these things. The outcome is not to help your child recognize what sparks these big emotions in you and get them to stop doing it. Was that really difficult for you to hear? I think it can be. And if that's the case, you might need to rewind and just check in on what I just said. Because the work of repairing starts with you, starts with me, the adults, the parents in the relationship with our children. And it only becomes effective when we acknowledge that we have an area of weakness or an area that is tricky and we need to work on it. And that's what will make children understand that we're not just saying, I'm sorry, we are actually repairing a wound and over time, building trust, and over time being able to demonstrate what empathy looks and feels like for your child. Because it is inevitable that there's going to be times where you shout or you raise your voice around your child because. But meaningful repair, when we're not just talking about saying I am sorry just for the sake of those words. It's more than the words, okay? It's about being witness to your child's experience in a moment where your relationship has got a wound or a rupture. That's the kind of word that we professional psychologists might use. But I sometimes kind of like to think of it like a wound because often, you know, if we think about physically hurting a child and doing so accidentally, and often when we're in a moment of dysregulation, you know, emotional overwhelm, intense emotion in our bodies, we're not hurting our children on purpose, okay? We are doing it because our brain and our bodies have kind of switched off and we're feeling out of control. And when that happens, if you imagine that what you've done is kind of create a little scab on your child's body, it can really help you think about wanting to reach out and do something that heals it. Not just puts a plaster on it, lets it go, but actually maybe soothes it, so washes it, you know, put a balm on it. You want to put something nourishing and warm on it. And then you might put a bandage if that's necessary. But the bandage is not the fix. Okay, I am sorry is not the fix. It's what comes with it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And in order to do that, your first step is to acknowledge that you make mistakes, that you're human. This does not make you a bad parent. It just means that you need to use these opportunities both to learn about yourself and the areas where you might need to work and to help your child learn that getting things wrong is human and relationships don't have to break down or stop existing when we make a mistake, that there is a way that you can heal a relationship and build trust and become accountable to the things that you've done wrong. And that there is no shame in apologizing meaningfully, that what we're doing here is creating a sense of trust and a sense of honesty. Because if we just shout at our kids and then ignore it, and then we expect our children to come and apologize to us when they have done something that hurts us, that's going to be really challenging in that dynamic. It's a power dynamic. It's I'm more powerful than you. And it doesn't matter when I get things wrong, it's always you that needs to apologize to me. And that is not what a healthy relationship looks like. And what we do with our kids in the way that we are in relationship with them is over time we're building a blueprint, we're building a template of what a good relationship looks like. And of course, children don't know the difference. They don't know if what they're living and experiencing with you is a good relationship. But what they do experience is what becomes the mold and the template of, of what relationships are like. So as adults, we need to take responsibility for that and think carefully. What are the messages we want to teach our children? You know, what kind of relationship do we want to have with them that models when they are in a relationship with another, whether it's a friend or whether it's a partner, when they're older, what would feel familiar and good to them because this is what they experience now in childhood with you. So, so let's have a conversation about repair, which we've kind of started now. And let's have a think about how you do so with little ones, school aged and teens.

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So one of the things that I want to say about repair that I think is important for you to know as an adult is that children don't process experiences the way that do as adults, and it's to do with brain development. So just in the same way as children need lots and lots of repetition to learn a skill that often needs to be broken down a little bit, whether it's riding a bike or learning to tie their laces or even learning how to read, when it comes to emotional skills, including repair and understanding what repair is, they often need lots of repetition. And what that means is that you don't have to get things wrong lots and lots of times. Right? That's not the point that I'm trying to make here. What I'm trying to say here is that when there is a relational rupture, when there is a wound created between you and your child and you try and apologize to them, it might not sink in the first time. You might need to repeat this apology multiple times across the week, even sometimes for longer than a week. And it's about understanding that children need lots of repetition to actually feel your repair and the secure connection with you, which is what you're trying to rebuild that secure connection when it gets broken because your child has been frightened of you, or they're upset and they're sad, or maybe they feel really angry with what's happened. It's gonna take a bit of time, and it's not like us adults, okay? Sometimes repair does take time between two adults. Of course it does. But with children, it just takes a lot longer for them to get back that connection and trust with you. And it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you and them in terms of your attachment. This is just how it works. So what you might see when you try and repair with a child, particularly little ones, but this isn't specific to age, because I know lots of teenagers who find it very difficult to just accept an apology from a parent, is that what you'll see is that they are still showing irritability around you. Perhaps they're showing some anger. They might be crying or tearful, or they might appear even more defiant, avoiding your requests, just kind of like trying to ignore you. When this happens, I want you to stop and pause. I want you to think, what has happened to rupture this connection with my child? Could it be related to an earlier incident that week or even that day? Is there something that you can still apologize for? Do you need to just show your child that, yes, something happened days ago that you did not mean to do, but you are so sorry, and you can see that it's still sticking around them. It's hanging around both of you in your relationship. So at first, what it might just sound like is, I'm really sorry that I shouted. I was so depleted and I needed a break. But this is not your fault. I'm gonna work really hard at not shouting and scaring you like that. And in the moment, your child might not react the way you want them to. Now, this is really important. We're not repairing with our children. We're not trying to heal this wound so that they turn around and they say, thank you, mummy or daddy. It's okay that you shouted at me. I'm okay about it. That's not what we're doing here, okay? We are trying to heal the wound that we created, and we're doing this for our relationship with our child. So however your child responds to your apology is the right response. Your child is allowed to have their own experience of your active want and commitment to repair and apologize. And if that hurts, if that really kind of stings you, I get it. It is painful. And you may have to sit with it. Now, it doesn't mean you just stop, okay? In that moment, you might just let it go. And of course, repair always, always has to come when things are calm, okay? We don't repair when our child is still crying or really upset. This isn't the moment for repair because your child is still having these big emotions, and it's possible that you are having them too. So you need to wait. And it doesn't matter if repair happens, you know, half an hour, a few hours, or even the next day. Children don't forget that something has happened. The learning moment, the kind of moment for reconnection, isn't lost. I say this a lot to a lot of parents. So even if you have an adult child and now you look back in time and think, I did something wrong, and I feel like I should apologize for that. But it happened long time ago. It's never too late. Repair and healing wounds in our relationships with our children is forever. So don't worry about not being able to do it in the moment.

You.

It takes practice and help yourself by thinking, my child may need more than one moment conversation about repair. And this might be something that I have to do a little bit more over the next few days. So it might be that what happens after you've said I'm sorry, within close to the moment, two or three days later, when you see your child being tearful or irritable with you and you think, ah, this is still what happened earlier, it's lingering in our relationship. They're ignoring me or they're acting like they're disconnected from me because of something that happened. I want you to do it again. This time, it might sound a little bit different, okay? Because what we're doing is apologizing and acknowledging that this is still affecting our relationship with our child. So it might sound more like, I've noticed that you're not very happy around me at the moment. And I know I shouted at you the other day. I know I was a scary mummy, and I'm so sorry that I shouted. It wasn't your fault. I love you very, very much, and I promise I will work on trying not to shout at you again. Would you like a cuddle? You want to do this and offer your child a pause? You want to help your child? Stop, think, reflect. Okay? They might not know why they're irritable or tearful or being defiant and ignoring you, especially when they're really little. Teenagers will know. But as soon as you name it, what happens with little ones and older ones, including teenagers, is that it helps them go, oh, you understand. What you're showing in this moment is both empathy and vulnerability and accountability. And these are not weaknesses. This is not disempowering you as a parent. This is the glue that is going to deepen your connection with your child. These are the ingredients that help children think, feel connected to you because it tells them, okay, so you know why I'm acting this way, and you know that this behavior is not really me. You see me, you understand me, and you're trying to help. You're trying to help us feel better together again. Really be careful about doing this with the intention of getting your chill to go, oh, it's okay that you shouted. I know you were scary, but I'm all right. Because that's not the intent, okay? The intent is to heal the relationship. It's not to make your child just be okay with you. If that's your intention and the outcome you're looking for, you might feel stuck when your child kind of just shrugs it off. Because for some children, little and old, it can feel kind of vulnerable, too, to be reminded that there's some pain in your relationship, that they're still feeling hurt or scared or worried about something. Lots of children feel like they're to blame when adults shout at them. So what often feels is that they're the bad kid, okay? They're in the wrong, and they're feeling like you disapprove of them. So when that happens, it can be really hard for a little one to accept repair. And it can be really hard for a teenager to accept repair because they might be holding a grudge against you and wanting you to really show them that you care. So see this as a test and see it as a consequence of the kind of wound that's happened in your relationship. It does not make you a bad parent. It does not make you a monster. It doesn't mean that you have harmed irreparably your child.

It.

It just means that they need more repetition and they need you to demonstrate that you are sorry. This isn't about groveling for acceptance. This is about showing that, you know, repair takes time. Again, going back to the example of healing a physical wound, it takes time. When we have a cut and it's been bleeding, it takes time. It doesn't usually heal in a day or two, and actually, often when it does scab over, it's itchy and it's uncomfortable. So think about that. There's discomfort here in your relationship and it might linger for a little bit. And that is just part of the process. It doesn't mean you've got it wrong, and it doesn't mean that you have harmed irreparably your child. It just means it's going to take a little bit of time. Finally, I want to spend a little bit of time on you because there is an extra essential ingredient that I think is really important with repairing, particularly when it's between a parent and a child, and that is the repair that you do with yourself. So many parents feel guilt and even shame at shouting or saying things that they don't intend or mean to their child in a moment where their emotions have just taken over. And I want you to know this is really, really normal. I'm going to repeat this. It doesn't make it you a bad parent. It just makes you human. But one of the things that is really key is that you don't just have to heal this wound with your child. You need to heal it with yourself. You need to give yourself empathy and compassion. Yes, you really do need to think about how you kind of come to terms with what has happened in the relationship with your child. And rather than making yourself into a monster or a terrible parent or saying, I am so bad because I shout at my child. I want you to talk to yourself like you would to a best friend. So imagine that a best friend calls you and says, I just shouted out my kid and I am the worst parent in the world. I am an ogre. Like they will never love me, you know, I've ruined them for life. What would you say back? And I want you to really think about that because it's often so easy for us as adults to give compassion to others that we love. And we often really struggle to give that love back to ourselves. And really the person that you should love the most out of everyone, including your child, should be you. You need to give that love to yourself. You need to offer yourself a non judgmental space where you're able to accept that you made a mistake. But that doesn't define who you are and it doesn't define the relationship with your child. Because as soon as you commit to repairing with your child, you are changing the narrative of I shouted at you and you should just be taking it. What you are saying instead is I shouted and that was wrong and I made a mistake and I can learn from this and you and I can have a good relationship still. So I want you to do the same to yourself. And that might sound like putting things into perspective because compassion isn't about just saying I shouted and I made a mistake. It's about saying I shouted, I made a mistake because I'm tired, I'm depleted, because I was sensory overwhelmed, because I feel like I have nobody to talk to, I have no one to vent anything to. I am the only parent who's around my child and I just feel so depleted. These things are important and the list might be bigger. Okay, I want you to think about your needs and and then to think about how you meet those needs, which isn't going to be your child. Again, this might be a hard truth to hear, but your child is not there to meet your needs and be okay so that you don't have these big explosions of anger. They're not responsible for how you're feeling. What you do need to do and consider is what is going to be helpful, helpful for you. Is it getting extra support? Is it having a network that you can talk to vent to? Is it having alone time away from your children and seeing this as an act of self love for yourself and for them? Is it seeking extra support? Do you notice that you're shouting every single day? And actually these emotions are not just to do with the intensity of parenting, which is hard. It's actually coming from another place. Maybe it's from trauma, maybe it's from some form of grief or something that's happening around you. Who can you contact that can offer you support for this? Do you need to seek professional support and think of this as something that's helpful rather than a weakness. Because in truth, it's an absolute strength when you learn that you have reached your limit and you want things to be different for you and how you parent your child. And so when you get to that point and you think, I do need some extra help, I could do with someone to guide me through the steps, to really help me learn how to channel my anger or my irritation or my tiredness and do something useful with it rather than just venting it out to my child. That's what's going to help you grow. That's what's going to make you the amazing parent that you already are, but just a better version of it. And I often think that our children are really helpful triggers for that. I think we often see children as triggers for anger in adults. And what I often reframe that as is children really identify our areas of weakness and the areas where we can build skills. What our children are doing is helping us grow into a better version of ourselves, not just for the relationship with them, but for the relationship we have with us, the most important one of all and with others. There are so many things that I have learned just from the experience of having a child. And most of the things I've learned are about me. They're not really about my kid. They're about myself. There are things that I didn't realize I was not very good at, and one of them was repair. So lots of the things that I've talked about today are things I work on. They're things that I do too. And they are things that we know. There is very strong evidence that repair and healing the wound that we as adults often unintentionally create in the relationship with our children has the strongest long term impact in terms of keeping relationships together. So think about that. Think about your child and what they need. But don't forget you, because you are the key to this. And having a good relationship with your child also means having a good relationship with yourself. And we're coming to an end. Thank you for joining me on another Talking Sense. This is a small reminder that Talking Sense podcast will be going on a break at the end of July, so there's only a couple of episodes left. But I will be returning. And if you have a question that you would like me to answer in my next series of Talking Sense, please do send in an audio of no longer than one minute to the email address that follows podcastrmarterpsychologist.com I love all your questions and I cannot wait to keep answering them in our next series. And if you have enjoyed this conversation on repair and you want to learn more about how to build skills and grow into the best version of the parent that you can be, you may love my book how to Be the Grown Up. It is currently out on pre order and repair is a theme that runs throughout all of my book with loads of scripts, loads of clinical examples and also a lot of evidence based and theory to give you an understanding of why things work and how best to go about it. Before we finish, I always like to give you a little mantra to hold you for the rest of the week and today my mantra to you is I can lead with love. I look forward to seeing you again on another Talking Sense podcast. Until then, see you soon.

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