New podcast with Aaron Shelley: The Family Flywheel

Parents, is your teen college ready? Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or excited about your teen applying to college? Do you know what colleges are looking for? And if your kid gets in, do you know what you'll pay for it? College admission has never been so competitive or expensive. Shellee Howard will take you on a journey to help you and your teen get college ready. Now here's your host, Shellee.

Hello, this is Shellee Howard, the founder and CEO of College Ready. Today on Parents, Is Your Teen College Ready? I have the honor of sharing Aaron Shelley with you. Welcome, Aaron.

Thanks, Shellee. I'm excited to be here. Should be a lot of fun.

So we're going to dive right in. Now, before we got on the podcast, Aaron was sharing that he also has 4 children, as you know that I have. And so he has personally walked through this as I have, and you are. So let's just kind of take it from the foundation of Aaron, when you were going through high school, did you know what you wanted to do?

Um, no, a definitive no. I was an ath— I did some athletic stuff, but I wasn't on any of the teams. I threw javelin. I did math. I was in AP Math, AP Sciences, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. It's, it's— there's so many options, it feels like.

For sure. And then of course you have four— what are the ages of your children?

Uh, 22, 20, 18, 16 right now.

So you're like in the thick of it. So parents who are listening, he can empathize with you. My youngest just left for college, so I'm an empty nester, so I'm just a tad ahead. Um, so let's talk about your firstborn, because we learn a lot with the firstborn. And what was that like? Did they— did he/she know what they wanted to do?

So, my oldest daughter, she didn't know. I mean, well, I think it's the job of the parents to try to help them through this process. And I had a little bit of a push because I put her into this early college. I feel like the last 2 years of high school for me personally were wastes. Like, I kind of didn't know what I wanted to do, but I was doing a lot of stuff towards something I didn't know that I wanted to— what it would lead to.. And so with my daughter, pushing her through a little early, I sort of had to ask her, what do you like to do? And I had tried to get her into technology. I had Photoshop, she had built apps. I mean, I've built computer apps as well. So I'd done all this stuff with her to try to give her this broad experience. She was dissecting animals, like all over the map. And I had her work when she was 13. I had her come to work with me at a startup because I wanted to give her a broad experience. Here's what office life is like. And here's what these type of jobs. And so when I kind of got her in and there's points when you're in college where you can take generals and then you have to get more specific, right? And but depending on the major, I mean, I was a mechanical engineering major, so you had to take calculus your first semester or you weren't graduating in 4 years. And there was a very regimented— I always, I didn't ever understand what electives were because all my electives were technical electives in my major. But so I was with my daughter. I'm like, well, where do you want to go? And I asked her and I was like, well, here's some of the options. You know, you could go become a veterinarian. She loved animals. We had some chickens. You could go be a doctor. You could be a nurse. You could work in technology programming. I'd given her this great basis. And she was like, well, yeah, those are kind of my 4 options. And then she said, and then I'm like, really? Do you really care about science and technology? Do you really? She had done well. She had grades. And her response was, no, not really. I don't want to do that. So, so to me then it was, okay, you have these 3— veterinary, um, doctor. I mean, there's a lot of fields within the healthcare space. I happen to have a brother-in-law who was a podiatrist, and so we talked to him a little bit, and it was— he gave us some feedback on if you go down the medical route, for a lot of women it's this very long road, you know, like you're in debt, there's this, you know, maybe you get done with school somewhere in your 30s. Maybe early, late, late 20s, maybe early 30s. But they also are teaching you, hey, if you want to have a family, you're getting older, it's going to get harder. So he's like, all of the people who did that, they would get their medical degree and then they would immediately— they'd get their residency. They were phenomenal, super smart, and then they would get the job and then immediately go part-time because it kind of was like they wanted the family, but then they had to do this balance because of the degree. So I talked to my brother-in-law And I think that's an important thing. Look at your social resources, you know, when you're trying to help with this. And he said, I think there's a place where nurses, you can then become a CRNA, a certified, where you do anesthesiology, but you're not the anesthesiologist, CRNA. He's like, that can make really good money if they want to continue, but being a nurse can give you a good stepping stone. And then if you want other life choices, you know, you want to get married and have kids, you have that option too. So I talked with my daughter and she was like, yeah, it does feel like the option. So it was, it was more of me as a parent not trying to push, right? It was like, here are the things. I mean, she felt like I was trying to push on technology. I am. I mean, I love it, but I own it.

I own it, right?

I mean, I was trying to, and I was raised with the reason there's not women in technology is because we're not pushing them and we're not skilling them. I'm like, I did every freaking thing you told me. And my daughter wants to go into healthcare, which is so many, you know, just where women, a lot of women like to go. So that's where she ended up. And then we were like, veterinary, a little too long, doctor, mm. So the nurse, we kind of helped whittle through decisions. And I kind of, when I was doing it, I didn't feel like people really helped me. They were like, you're good at science and math. That means maybe engineering. And then I got into engineering. And I liked it. But then I had some jobs and I was like, I could be a great engineer and then my stuff doesn't even get used because there's bad business people on the other side of the table. And so that's when I went and got an MBA. So it's, you know, if you look at my path, it was not linear. I know, I know, I know. It was— I kind of had to whittle it through myself or weave through myself. Whereas my daughter, I feel like it was so fun because she got her nursing degree. Got her RN. I mean, she loved her anatomy classes. She was like, I love it. Even now she's like going back to help out because she just loves the human body. And so, and well, then the OR she's absolutely loved. She's like, oh, look at these things. And I'm disgusted by it. You know, here's what we took out. But it's trying to help your kids. I view it as there's things that can make money in society. That's good. You don't want to get a degree in something that makes no money. There's things that, um, you're interested in, great. And then there's things that'll fit your— the life you want, right? If you want to— those are the really the three things you're trying to balance with your children. Like, what are you interested— because there's not a kid that I've seen— if they're more creative, they can go one direction. If they're more interested in healthcare, if they're more interested— but there's so many opportunities to push, to help kids on their journey, to act as mentors And that's where I feel like it's more of the job of the parents is either to go get up, get their kids mentors or, or help the kids on the path, if that makes, does that make sense?

Absolutely. So it's, it's interesting, your firstborn going into, uh, being a nurse. So, uh, I'm not sure if you're aware, but my son, uh, he knew in 8th grade he wanted to be a brain surgeon. He knew, never wavered. Boom, straight on one path. And it freaked me out because I'm like, there's no way you're gonna stay with this. Like, I was the anti— there's no way I changed my major 5 times. You are not gonna do that. And he went to Harvard pre-med, then he took the MCAT, went off to, uh, try to J-O-B with Bain Consulting, and he's like, that is definitely not my path. And then he went off to medical school at UC San Diego, and now he's an orthopedic surgeon at UCLA. So he did, he stayed the path. My second one did the same thing, and she's a, an RN in a pediatric emergency room. So I think that's ironic, right? And she stayed the path. And I'm like, I'm needle-phobic. So that means they chose their path so I will never come to work.

Really? Well, yeah. And that's, that's where some kids like what I guess my question would be why my oldest daughter, she had, there was just weird things. She had some medical, she broke some, some arms. So she kind of saw them in action. And so that's where I think like, how are you giving your kids opportunities to see it? Because so many kids, they're like, my wife teaches Irish dance and the number of kids in the dance class, I want to be an Irish dance teacher when I grow up. And they'll say that, but they don't know anything else. And it's like once you help them get exposure, then they're like, oh, this fits my, my lifestyle better. So I guess I'd wonder what your two kids— what was their exposure to it?

Yeah, well, I do a lot of community service and so I took my son to Kenya, Africa, and we lived in the slums of Mathare for a couple of weeks because I was that parent who truly did not believe that he was going to stay the path and I was going to prove it to him. That he was not going to stay the path. And what I— it actually solidified is he's like, Mom, I would live here and do this for free. Like, that— this is how important this is to me. And then my daughter saw the pictures of him impacting these little people and hearing his stories about how it was just like third world country problems are very different than first world country problems. And so I did the same thing with her. I took her to Cusco, Peru, and we served in the slums and the orphanages. And I'm like, all right, let's see how you're doing. She blew my mind what she was able to do, because I was grossed out. I'm not going to lie. I was the person in the back going, oh, that's really sweet.

That's me as well.

Yeah, she was frontline, like, cleaning. And so I'm like, dang. This is kind of crazy. So I— they had grown up doing community service, but it was those final things their junior year, which is— I'm like, this is it. I don't want you to go into this field for the rest of your life, or at least 5 years, if this is ultimately— especially my son being a surgeon, that path is long and grueling, and he loves it. He's doing spine surgery, knee surgery. I mean, just Every day he calls me, I'm exhausted, but it was the coolest thing, you know? So that's the exciting part. But what about your other kids? Did they follow? And how did you help, or how are you helping them navigate that?

Um, yeah, so my next child is a son. He's 20. He, he was much more technical, much more into the more similar to me. So I'm like, hey, you can do business, you can go engineering. Part of me feels like engineering is— when I got through the business program, it was so easy because engineering is so hard, right? So, and all of my friends who were from engineering school as well, they said the same thing. So I think there's a side where engineering, regardless of what you choose to do later on in your life, is such a good framework for just learning how to think, learning processes, learning how to do difficult things, because from there, I mean, I did a mechanical engineering major and then I did some business, and then later in my career I did some computer programming. Like, I've done— I was a VP of marketing at one point, then I'm a CEO. Like, I've bounced all over to these different jobs because I have a very strong foundation. So with him, with his science and technology, I'm like, well, where do you want to go? You know, I gave him kind of the same options, and he's more like, well, I like, I like the technical stuff. I like the computer science. I don't know how long that's going to stick. And because it, I mean, I love it too, but I like also the influence I have in the business world. So that's where I'm not sure how long those things go. And it sounds like even for yourself, there's some learning I feel like that needs to be, the child needs to learn. Like you can't, they can't learn everything without going through those experiences. So I mean, my brother, he went through chemical engineering for a semester and was like, holy crap, that is not what I want. You know, like, there's a point where experiences are teachers and they help you learn. And I like how you said that with your kids, like, you took them on experiences and that's where they learned where they could contribute. And that's what I think is so great, is when you're looking at your job not as how do I make money and how do I, I get, it's how do I contribute and I need to make it so I can contribute and make money. But I mean, my daughter just broke her leg skiing and we had an orthopedic surgeon put her back together and I'm like, it's expensive, but I'm so glad there's someone who's dedicated their life to that so they can put her back together. And that's what I think. There's this area of contribution and there's a book called Escaping the Endless Adolescence where it says a lot of kids now are having problems with purpose. They don't see how am I impacting society? How, how am I, how am I doing? How is it useful? Because all of college, or I mean, all of high school and most of college is completely useless. Like, we don't need them to write these papers. We don't need them to do the math. No one's sitting there like, thank you so much. It's just teaching. But as soon as you get your kids into understanding the impact, that's when the kids can, I think, latch on and go, oh, I want to have impact, or that's interesting. Like your daughter doing all this. I'm going to get in there and do that. You, you— she wouldn't have known that if she had not been in that environment, right, and not seen it. And that's where I think it's our job as parents. And I even, at my, at my church, when my daughter wanted to go into nursing, I just raised my hand at one point. I'm like, I don't know, I've done business, I've done technology, my wife does the arts. This is the— healthcare is an area we don't really know, help me out. And one of the guys was there was like, hey, I actually do the consulting at Or not the, the counseling at a local university. I can help you out with that. And I was like, phenomenal. So there's this whole point where parents, if you don't have the experience, go find someone who does. You probably have someone in your network who's more than willing to help with that. But if you just sit there like, well, I don't know, good luck. And I've seen a lot of parents do that, and then the kids struggle, maybe drop out of college because they couldn't find it. Like, the job is to be kind of the the guide on their path into becoming an adult. And I think, like you— I mean, like I've seen before, sometimes college may not be right. My brother-in-law didn't go to college. It was great. He went and became a contractor. He's made a lot more money than a lot of people who went to college, and he's very happy because he's an entrepreneur. So I think there's these other areas where we kind of need to say, like, if you really hate authority, going to college for 4 years It's not gonna work most likely, right? So it's really our job as parents to try to help them experience more professions. And I think there's a point where we don't want to be looking down. I found myself sometimes looking down on this, on some professions, like, oh, look at these contractors, they're working in the cold. You don't want to do that. And it's a teaching point, but then it's also, but look, they're building a house. Like, this is a home people will live in. So don't we appreciate it? Because we, there's so many skill sets that we need in our society. And once you get your kids connected to the right one, to your point, they will be happy. They'll, they'll have so much fun in their jobs. They'll love it. My daughter sends us texts with all these scary masses that she pulled out in the OR. Now she's in the ICU, so we get less of that thankfully. But it's just like, she loves it.

Mm-hmm.

And that's where there's a, I think we've have so many people who have just, especially. I've heard of a lot of women who will be like, I'm going to be a lawyer. Okay, you want to be alone and read lots of papers for a long time? Are you sure you want that? And a lot of them are like, I did the degree, but I hate my job. And that's the real tragedy of like, how do you— you don't want them there. Even if they're a doctor, if they hate it, it's still going to be a waste of their life, and they will hate their life, and their families will suffer. So that's where I think there needs to be a more holistic picture of what's the lifestyle you're after and the life, life choices you want to make?

Yeah, we do it at College Ready. All of our students commit to doing a Passion with Purpose project where they will do 200 hours of service and something they are truly passionate about and something they want to advocate for. So by advocating and using their passion to make the change, they figure a lot out about what they want and what's important to them. And it's an easy essay. And it helps them not just get into college, but to adult, to figure out what are my core values? What are those things that are gonna give me joy? Now, I know you wrote a book. Can you share why you wrote the book, a little bit about the book?

Yeah, so the, the, I was actually, I like startups. I worked at some different startups and whatnot. And it happened that my mom had a connection to a guy who was actually writing a book at the university. So I kind of helped him with his book doing research. And then I, I was doing consulting on the business side. And then about this time, my mom sent me an article about a guy who had been in the same school, same classes, all of these same things, same church. And he was now going to prison for rape and attempted murder. So I was like, what happened along our paths? I now have 4 kids and I'm successful. He's now put away for the rest of his life. And that's really where, as an engineer, I started obsessing about these concepts. Like, what— this cannot happen to my children. If this happens to my children, I am a failure. I failed myself. I failed my children. That's how I perceive it. That's my role. And so I was like, I can't understand what happened. So then I got obsessed about it, and I wanted to understand the system. It's the engineering brain. What are the levers that I can pull here? And that's when I've, I kind of put together the book and it's really just a basic, it's like applying the principles of a business model to your family where you're saying, what are we teaching our kids? What is the culture of our family? That's a very important part of a business. What are we teaching? What do we believe? How do we treat each other? How are we structuring our family? Is it, well, you know, dad's going to make money and he's going to be gone all the time. You know, there's these pieces of this like how you structure your family is so important because our kids, they go to school to learn some of the intellectual things, but they just suck in information about how to live our lives from our parents, right? So it's so like with, for you going and spending that time in these different countries, you were not showing like, hey, here we value service. You were saying, here we value it and here's what it freaking looks like. And then they get involved and that's where you see like it was such a invaluable. It teaches the culture, but like you say, it also taught them where they wanted to go, and it developed abilities and different perceptions, right? So they can look at it and be like, yeah, I mean, Kenya, they're great people. I mean, I, I've traveled all over, and I see like so many people are good people, but their values or their beliefs hold them back. And so as a parent, I was like, what are these things I can do and build in my family And how do I make it so that I have— the book's called The Family Flywheel because it's a reinforcing circle, right? If you make good decisions, you get involved with good friends. Like, I can— I'm sure you had lots of friends from your Kenya trip too, right?

Yeah.

And so, and so then you have this— more good friends you have, then they're going to introduce you to more good friends, and then you're going to have this flywheel of social capital or social resources, as I call it. It's the same thing with, you know, finances. You invest your money well, you'll get more money. Same thing with your human resources, like your ability and your time. Use your time well, use your skills well, you develop them, you're going to have more of those things and you're going to be more wealthy. So I think as our job as parents, it's really trying to help our kids develop that engine of what I call the business model. What is their culture and values? Like, you've obviously been fairly successful. How do you pass that success on to the next generation? It's by training them. How are you thinking about things? What experiences were key in your life? You know, what structures? How much time are you spending with them? That's our job as parents, is all about trying to help them get onboarded into society. I guess that problem is called, you know, we call that adulting now, but it's really this thing of How do you get them onboarded so that they're productive? And society's gotten more complex. You know, it's so much more complex.

Technology has added to the complexity. I was talking to a student earlier today and I said, you know, when we didn't like a teacher, we would take a piece of paper, write on it, fold it up, and then pass it to a friend and hope the teacher didn't grab it, right? Now they post it all over social media and the teacher sees it and then boom, like this whole big explosion. That's the difference between the complexity of our childhood and what they're going through. And it just multiplies, right? Kids see it, they're like, should I be doing that? Am I like this? What? There's the anxiety, the depression, the COVID thing. The—

yeah.

So I tell all of my students, we can't change all of that, but we can change what we focus on. And if we're focused forward, we can make an impact. And that is a huge thing. And I, you know, that's what your daughter's doing and that's why she's happy. So let's talk about if somebody wanted to get your book or reach out to you, what would be a good way for them to do that?

Yeah, so my book's available on Amazon. That's where it's being sold. You can get it in Kindle. I did an audiobook as well as the soft copy or softcover. So those are the main ways. Then I have a website called The Family Flywheel, uh, has some resources for the book. I have a blog there. I, I, I was just thinking I need to make a blog on how to do college, that type of stuff, because I think there's a lot of important things there. So, or you can email me at Aaron@thefamilyflywheel.com. So those are the main ways that you can contact me. I'd love to hear you. I mean, I guess I also have Facebook and LinkedIn at Aaron K. Shellee. But it's like, I just, I want to help people. So if people reach out, I'd love to respond. It's much more, I'm in a place in my life where I'm much more interested in contribution and helping families because I feel like our families are these pillars of our society. And like a Coliseum, we can knock out a few and it'll probably stay up. But as soon as too many get knocked out, we're going to have a collapse that none of us like.

For sure. Well, Aaron, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you so much for joining us on Parents, Is Your Teen College Ready?

Thank you very much, Shellee Howard. I appreciate it.