Podcast

Hello parents, this is Shellee Howard, founder of College Ready, and our podcast today, Parents, Is Your Teen College Ready? Today I have a wonderful guest. Can you please introduce yourself?

Yeah, thank you for having me, Shellee. I'm Jeanine Mushwar, and I'm a parenting coach. I work with moms and dads, um, who have preteens, teens, and young adults. Just helping them be their go-to person.

Ah, so great. So we had a little pre-chat, as I always do with my guests, and we realized that we're actually neighbors. So super exciting. Um, let's go ahead and dive in. First question that comes to mind, having 4 kids of my own, is, is there Why isn't there a book on how to raise a teenager? Like, you know, when you're pregnant and it says this is what you can expect. Like, what, what am I— are we missing something as parents?

Oh my gosh, I've asked myself the same question. And when I'm— I now have 3 adult children, but when they were in high school, thinking like, where are the resources? Because I mean, I just parented kind of intuitively in the younger years. And of course there were challenges. Parenting is never easy, but when we got to the high school years, I felt like I was not being the effective parent that I wanted to be. And so I would try to, you know, go to speakers or read books. And I remember just always feeling like, well, that's great in theory, but how exactly do I execute that? How do I bring that into my home? How do I do that? And being really frustrated that there weren't resources out there. And that's actually what motivated me to become a parenting coach is I felt like, you know what, I mean, I went to Stanford. I'm an educated woman. I, you know, very proud of like really dedicating a lot of my time and energy to helping my kids be productive contributors of society. And I remember just feeling so frustrated, like, where, where's the help? I need help here. I need assistance. I don't know. How to navigate some of these situations. Like, I don't know if this resonates with you, Shellee Howard, but like, my daughter was, um, a really good student, but consequently, whenever she was home, she was overwhelmed. She put a ton of pressure on herself. Um, she had anxiety, she had stress, and I just felt like what I was saying, what I was doing wasn't really helping her move through that the way I wanted it to. Or one of my sons was diagnosed with ADD learning disability at a young age. And when we hit the high school years, like, his grades started dropping and he started lying and being sneaky and got in with a bad group of kids. And not bad, but kids who were vulnerable and they were smoking pot. And I was like, whoa, I'm so out of my league here. Um, and whatever I was doing wasn't being effective and, and really helping the way I wanted to. And same with my youngest, who, you know, was in the middle of COVID and on, loved his video games and his YouTube Shorts. And I kept thinking, you are so lazy, you are so unproductive. And but what I was doing wasn't motivating him to do something different. And that's when I just got so frustrated and, um, ended up going to a, a program that's based in dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, more of a conscious parenting approach where we're not permissive but we're not authoritative. We're somewhere in the middle where we've got some boundaries going on. Um, and we're also learning to be compassionate for their struggles. Long-winded answer to your question.

No, it was so perfect because it gave me a really good understanding of your why. A lot of times, um, we start out as you did in, in college. And what was your major in college?

Oh gosh, you're gonna laugh. Quantitative economics.

Oh, okay.

At the time, I chose that because math and stats were like easy for me, and I really wanted to spend a lot of time learning art history and psychology classes, and I wanted to go abroad in Florence and all those things. And it was like the, the major with the fewest number of units, so I could take all the classes I really wanted to take because my parents said, well, we're not, we're not paying for your education if you want to be an art history major. So that's how I ended up on that. And of course, I don't— I remember thinking when I learned all this parenting stuff, like, okay, my major in college was completely useless, and all this stuff I'm learning is so much more important. These are like communication skills that we weren't taught, and it's just, it's, it's crazy. We should be taught communication skills, and we should— there should be more importance on emotional wellness and mental wellness and, and how to really foster that, not just in ourselves but with our kids and in our relationships with them.

Right. That's genius. I— you totally threw me for a loop here. You're doing this touchy-feely, uh, teenager world, and I love teenagers, obviously, and you went to Stanford, which is any Southern California kid's dream, and you did the quantitative math-minded major, but really you deeply, deeply loved art history.

Yeah, yeah, it's brilliant.

What a great story.

Well, and I feel like I kind of used my left side of my brain now. Like, I, I can see what the problem is so clearly and like what a solution could be. Like, that math brain works for me, and then the more creative, like, compassionate connection type is, you know, what I really love and love showing up like that for my clients.

And I think that combination is really helpful to parents in the same situation that I was in.

Makes so much sense. I love that question because very few of my guests, um, are doing what they thought they were going to be doing. And, you know, that's the big debate right now. College, no college, uh, If not college, then what? Or question mark, question mark. So let's go back to what we were talking about before the show, and let's dive in a little bit about who would be somebody who you could help. Maybe talk about a potential client, an ideal client, somebody in case my listeners are like, I don't even know if I need that.

Right?

Like, who would you be able to support and help?

Yeah. Well, I would say if I had to put it into two buckets, there's two kinds of parents who come to me. The first type are parents who, they, you know, they want to be their kid's go-to person. They want to have that open communication and connection. Actually, all parents want this, but the first type are they know, they're aware, like, okay, the high school years are going to be challenging.

I've heard they're challenging, and I want to make sure I, like, tee myself up for success.

So, you know, some, some of my clients come when they've got, like, maybe one kid in 9th or 10th and some younger ones, and they want to learn these skills now so that they know they're guaranteeing they have that connection and closeness for years to come.

Mm-hmm.

And I love that. I, I mean, I wish I was aware of that when my kids were younger. I didn't learn any of these things till my middle one was 17 and the shit hit the fan. So I'd say that's my other bucket of clients. When you are really worried, really scared, either your kids are doing something, some risky behavior, or you see that they don't have the coping skills that you're kind of looking ahead and knowing that they need. And so you're very worried and scared and you want some new resources and tools and strategies, new approaches to really help them overcome whatever's stopping them or, you know, preventing them from being their best version. And, you know, I do have, I think, people who know me Um, although I work on Zoom with clients all over the world, my local people who know me, it's because they know like I had a child with ADD and so they have a similar situation and just know I understand the vulnerabilities of that. So, you know, in the big picture, you want to be your kid's go-to person. You want that open connection, that open communication. Um, you're looking for you know, ways to be effective, to motivate them to make good choices. And I think one of the number one things I hear is like, I'm just tired of the arguments. Like, why can't they just listen to me? And so we obviously work on that for sure.

I was on with a client last night I briefly was telling you about, and they're frustrated. And as you know, a firstborn child, they had high hopes and dreams, and the child doesn't have that of themself. So the parents want it more than the child wants it, and it's very frustrating for them. Are they a candidate for your program?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I think one of the challenges that we really face as parents is how to navigate and manage our expectations of our kids.

We look at them and we see all of their beautiful potential, but when our conversations are focused on trying to get them to do what we want, or, you know, trying to force them through rules or punishments to get them to what we think is the best version of ourselves, it so often You know, that just is not effective and it doesn't work. And if anything, it disconnects our kids from us. And so I think the number one strategy that we all have to remember is we gotta slow ourselves down and focus on that connection piece before we start having conversations around what, what we want them to stop doing. What we want them to start doing that they're not, fix what they're doing, change what they're doing, any of those sorts of things. And I think that that, Shellee, is so challenging because when they were little, they were automatically connected to us and agreeable. And so we could jump to telling them what to do and offering our advice. And not only did most of the time they listen, but they were grateful.

We're like, wait, I'm doing the same thing here. Why isn't it working anymore? And it's just recognizing like, oh wait, my teenager or my child's going through this huge transition.

They're now a teen and they need something different from me. They need a different approach. And it got to start with reestablishing that connection and that closeness.

Okay. Super helpful. What age, right? Everybody asks me, Shellee, when do I start planning for college, right? So when would be a good age to, to reach out to you?

Yeah, I mean, I think the best ideal age is when they're preteens, like middle school type of time, so that because that's when they're going through this transition, they're trying to exert their independence, they're naturally trying to separate from you, they start thinking like, I know the answers to everything. You know nothing, Mom, right? And yes, it's not exactly age-specific. I would say when you start noticing that that's happening, it's a great time to say to yourself, gosh, you know, I need to change my approach and my parenting methods because my child is needing something different from me right now. Now, having said that, I also like to say that It's never too late. Again, I started when my daughter was 19 and my son was 17 and my other son was 14. And it's never too late. Like, if you're like me and you want to have this closeness and connection with your kids for many years to come, so they're calling you from college, you know, with what they're, you know, maybe a big win or somebody they met they're excited about. Or maybe something happened and they're scared or they're worried, right? If you want that connection and to be their go-to person so that you're their safety net when they are young adults, right? It's never too late to learn these communication tools and skills is how I like to think about it.

Yeah, and that resonates, right? I mean, they all mature at different stages, and so there's probably no perfect age Um, let's talk a little bit about technology, which really seems to be a barrier to communication. I know when my oldest used to play games on the computer, I would get very frustrated— uh, on the TV, I would get very frustrated and I would say, is your homework done? And he would say yes. And it was that, that back to my games. And I'm like, ah. But, you know, he got great grades and he did all of the stuff. So I didn't have a lot to, to be disappointed in. Now he's using those same thumb skills to do robotic surgery. So he says, Mom, see, I was just practicing. Is it something— technology, the earbuds, the cell phone, the iPad? Is this something that you touch on in your program that you can actually give parents skills to use when they feel like that's the barrier?

I would say this is probably at, you know, in the last year this has been a top 3 concern that people come to me with. Um, and you know, I guess my philosophy on this is especially if we're talking about high school kids, is that the AirPods, the video games, the devices, the social media apps, like, they're here to stay. And our opportunity is really trying to help them learn how to self-regulate and monitor their usage. And so I work with my clients to have conversations with their kids that help them start being aware of when the— this tech flips. And what I mean by that, I mean, think about yourself. Like, if you're opening up Instagram and you're scrolling, like, maybe at first it's kind of fun and you're seeing pictures of your friends and their kids, right? Maybe you're getting your news, and then all of a sudden there's a point in time that it flips and it starts not feeling so good. Mm-hmm. Right. It starts like if you've got your daughter on TikTok, maybe she's following an influencer who knows how to do their makeup. Like, initially it's interesting and they're learning, right? And they're fascinated and they're trying it on themselves and it's all exciting. But there comes a point in time that that typically flips and all of a sudden they're feeling bad about themselves and not pretty enough. Right, and, and not capable enough. And when we can direct the conversations around that, it helps them recognize when the devices really aren't feeling so good anymore.

Okay.

I love to use the metaphor, like, I'm a huge See's Candy fan, and I love eating See's Candy after dinner, and 2 pieces are like amazing, but if I have that third, it all of a sudden flips and I've got a stomachache and I don't feel good.

Right?

So it's the same kind of thing, whether it's social media apps or their phones or their AirPods. For most of us, there comes a point where, and I think we know this, our gut intuition's telling us this as, as parents, like, ooh, this isn't healthy for you anymore.

And so our opportunity here, instead of putting down rules and rewards and punishments, is to help them them get an understanding of when that flip happens for them so they can learn to self-regulate their usage. And then just that little note, I love what you brought up, Shellee, because we want to tell ourselves that sometimes there's something good happening from, right, from tech. Like your son ended up using those skills in what he's doing in a career or You know, maybe your child's doing it to unwind after the pressures of school for 20 minutes, right? To rest and refuel and re-energize. Maybe they're using it to connect with their friends and socialize. Like, it's not all bad. And I think the opportunity here is to have conversations to create— help our kids create that awareness when it flips and it doesn't, it doesn't build their self-confidence or self-worth or have any sort of positive attributes to it.

It's interesting, my oldest, he took an all-social media break for a year, and he said it was the best thing that he's done since he's been an adult. And I said, why is that? I go, you've never been a big social media person anyway. Like, I would have thought it was your sister. And He says, because I— it's hard not to compare your life with somebody's best day. And no matter what I looked at, I was excited for my friends, but I'm like, but I'm in med school and I'm not making a lot of money right now and I'm working long hours and I'm not seeing those cute girls, da da da da da, you know what I mean? And he's just like, Mom, just felt real, like the, the choice I made. They look like they're having way more fun than me, which they probably were. Yeah. And he's like, it just felt good just to live my life because I like my life.

Yes. Well, see how he did that all on his own? He, he recognized that he wasn't feeling good by scrolling and seeing what was going on, and so he self- regulated himself, which is amazing. I think most adults have a hard time doing that, let alone a 20-something kid. Um, but I love that example. Like, he basically realized that this wasn't adding to his life in any way. It just, if anything, was making him feel worse. And when you think about the principle of motivation, motivation usually comes from an emotion. You're trying to achieve a feeling, and right, so if you want them to be motivated not to use their devices, they have to connect to when it doesn't— to the fact that there are times when it doesn't feel good, and when does it feel good and when doesn't it, and that creates the motivation to self- regulator, monitor.

Sure. So a little point of clarification, do you help the parent or the child? Do you meet with the child? Do you meet with the parent? Do you meet with both of them? What, what does that dynamic look like?

From my years of experience, the most effective way is for parents to be working on these strategies. And so I coach moms and I coach dads. Okay, not the kids. And what I found is that most teenagers, not all, but most, when you send them to a coach or a therapist, they tend to feel like, what's wrong with me? Why am I different? Um, and even if they don't feel that, if you think about it, you're asking them to open up to a stranger that versus like, it's a much easier thing for them to open up to you because they feel safer with you and more connected to you than to someone they don't know. So I just found, at least in my own family and with most of my clients, that, hey, if you have a kid who's willing to like go to a life coach or willing to go to a therapist, amazing, jump on that. It can't hurt, it can only help. But most of the time, the, you know, the kids aren't willing to do that. And it, like, in my situation, that left it in my hands. Like, I've got to learn new parenting approaches. I want to learn how to help my kids navigate these big emotions that they have in high school. They're overwhelmed. They feel pressure. They're stressed. The anxiety, the embarrassment, the humiliation, right? And if I could learn how to help them feel less alone in that and be on their side and be on their team and, um, help them feel like nothing's wrong with them. That just has a tremendous impact on them immediately and helps give them these tangible life skills that I think we all want our kids to have as they head off and launch after high school, right?

So if a parent is curious and they would like more information, how might they contact you?

Oh, thanks for asking, Shellee. Um, the best way is probably just to go directly to my website, which is jeaninemouchouar.com. So that's J-E-A-N-I-N-E, M as in Mary, O-U-C-H-A-U-A-R.com. W-A-R, complete mouthful.

I'm like, could you have picked a more challenging name?

Yes.

Beautiful though.

I didn't pick it, my husband did. Um, and my parents picked my name, but this is what I, what I'm left with. Um, so yes, if you go to my website, the, if you want like to learn more right away, it's full of so many resources. I would suggest you hop on my email list. I send parenting tips and strategies. Usually twice a week with tangible things you can do right away. There's also— I'm going to be putting this link to this podcast on my website. And if you're a social— if you love your social media apps, I'm on Instagram @janine.theparentingcoach. And if you want to do like a deeper dive into some of these things I touched on today, I have a Facebook group called Parenting Teens How to Not Lose Your Shit.

So that's really fun too.

So you can find me on Facebook at Janine Lushwar Coaching.

Fantastic. Janine, it has been a pleasure. Thank you so much for being a guest on our show.

Thanks for having me, Shellee Howard. I really appreciate it.

You're welcome. Parents, until next time, make sure that you're having these conversations with your children If it becomes challenging, you know where to go. Thank you so much.