Podcast- What Drives You, Will Motivate You

Parents, is your teen college ready? Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or excited about your teen applying to college? Do you know what colleges are looking for? And if your kid gets in, do you know what you'll pay for it? College admission has never been so competitive or expensive. Shellee Howard will take you on a journey to help you and your teen get college ready. Now here's your host, Shellee.

I am so happy that you have joined our podcast today. This is Shellee Howard with College Ready, and today I have two amazing guests from Life Success for Teens. Natalie and Allison have come on the show to help families navigate this whole process of raising your teen. Natalie, can you please introduce yourself to our guests?

Sure, I'd be happy to. Thanks for having us, Shellee Howard. My name is Natalie Burrell. I am a school psychologist and an academic life coach, and I've been a school psychologist for 15 years, and I absolutely love that job because I get to work with I get to work with school staff and I get to work with teenagers. And my ultimate goal in that job is to figure out what's getting in the way of a teenager's success in school. And so I work with a team of professionals like intervention specialists and speech pathologists to make recommendations about what would be helpful for students in junior high and high school. However, in that job, there's a lot of red tape. Tape in order to get a student what they need in order to be successful. And Allison knows this, I spend hours writing reports. I got really frustrated about 5 years ago because it took so much report writing, it took so much time and effort and energy to get a teenager what it was that they needed. And what I found that was really important and really valuable was not the reports that I was writing, but the relationships that I was making with the kids that I was testing and working with. And so that led me to do a Google search of what else can I do with a school psychology degree? Because my job was wonderful, but it just wasn't fulfilling that need I had to connect with students over the long term. And that's when I found academic life coaching. So Life Success for Teens was born out of the need to find a way to connect with students on a more personal level and to see their progress over time and make really meaningful connections with them. So I started that about 5 years ago, and Allison saw what I was doing, and Allison jumped on board. She was like, this is great. I want to do this too. And I'm so happy to have her as my right-hand person because she is just amazing. And so the two of us have now grown into a company with 15 academic life coaches, and we work with teens from all over the world now. And it's, it's just been an amazing journey.

That's outstanding and so very much needed. So maybe our guests can get a little bit more information about Allison. Can you please introduce yourself?

Absolutely. Thank you for having us. Um, so as you said, my name is Allison. I am a family consumer science teacher. I'm going into my 20th year of teaching, which is absolutely wonderful because I have the opportunity to teach students real life, reality-based skill sets in the classroom. While I was doing that, I decided to pursue a master's in administration as well as school counseling. And so why I think coaching is such a wonderful fit is because I get to do kind of my favorite things. I get to be a part-time teacher and part-time counselor in some ways, and it is a beautiful blend of the two the two relationships together, allowing me to connect with my students in ways that sometimes the classroom doesn't allow. So when I started coaching in 2017, I became an Academic Life Coach, and it allowed me to start reaching students in a way that was very unique. And it was in a way that allowed us to have conversations and dialogue that is not always accessible in the classroom setting. And it allowed me to start seeing my students click really quickly and seeing their hard work pay off so much faster if it was just honed and crafted in the right direction. It gave them the confidence boost that they need to then excel and become the best versions of themselves and who they really wanted to be. So it's, it's been an amazing opportunity working with Natalie and more specifically with the teams that I've had an opportunity to connect with.

Outstanding. So I have a million questions I want to ask you ladies. So I'm going to try to just take it down a little bit because I, like you, get to talk to teens all day long, and my kids often tell me I do a better job talking to teens than I do to adults, but that's okay. I have never met one that I don't love. They all have such genuine gifts and talents. So I'm going to put on my mom cap because I am a mother of 5. I have 2 boys and 3 girls. Um, 2 biological, 2 step, and 1 Italian exchange student. How's that for a blend? And, um, the 2 youngest just graduated from high school this past week, and I know firsthand what it was like bringing those last 2 to the home stretch. Um, we're in a very different world than we were when my first started high school in 2008. So the first question that comes to mind I think is important because I live in the world of college and how we plan for college and how we strategize. And unfortunately, the media has made it so overwhelming and so anxiety-filled that a lot of times parents will call me and they will say, Shellee, I don't know what's going on with my child. They were so good before the pandemic, straight A's. And now I don't know who they are. Can one of you speak to how do you help someone like that, or how do we spot that that is a real thing and it's not just in our mommy head?

Absolutely. I think the first thing is getting rid of the noise. It's taking a look at the person that they are and really taking a moment to kind of take note and establish, you know, who were they before the pandemic and what's going on and what changes do you see that occurred during the pandemic. Because we don't want to excuse that and we don't want to dismiss it because there are very real changes that have occurred to people throughout this, this time. And so I think that that's the first thing is to never dismiss what, what may have been going on or what is now a current, maybe different look of the person. But then once we've established that, you know, taking a note and then kind of pulling apart and saying, okay, what's really going on and what's really there? What can we hang on to and what can we actually use? What skill sets do we have that allow us to be successful teenagers transitioning into the real world. And I think that that's really important is that skill sets, because when the chaos is happening, it's really hard to access those skill sets and those tools, because when the noise is going on, you know, it's really hard to exercise those. And so it's important to take the time that when it is a little bit in a calmer place that, that's when we actually practice those skill sets because it gives them time to do them in a calm place, in a place where they are feeling maybe having a good day or feeling confident. And then when the noise gets a little louder and it's harder to kind of work, that's when we can then exercise them because, because they've become second nature to us, you know, using a, you know, maybe a counting technique if we're feeling anxious or having a playlist of music that allows us to set a tone in our life. So whether it's a tone of music to be productive or if it's a tone of music to calm us down, music can be so powerful because it can allow us to set an intent and then help us accomplish that intent. And there's a couple other components to the music piece that certainly are valuable. I know I'm stealing Natalie's thunder because Natalie loves talking about the power of music with her, with her clients, so I'm going to let her jump in on that piece in a second. But when we can identify skill sets in the calm time, then they become really useful tools in the chaos. I hope that answers your question a little bit and gives you a kind of an understanding of what I think of when I, when I hear parents say those kind of things. Natalie, do you want to say something as well?

Yeah, sure. I, I agree with you, Allison, and I think that a lot of the changes that we've seen with our teenagers in the last few years come from a place of fear. It comes from a place of uncertainty. It comes from this change of their level of motivation and absolutely their level of confidence because the world as they know it has changed. And I think that's kind of the base, or the— that's where all of these changes come from, from all of that uncertainty, all of that fear. And I think when parents come to us, they are citing the lack of motivation and the lack of confidence. That's what we hear are the biggest changes. You know, my teen that used to be a really high achiever, all of a sudden, their grades are lower. Or my teen that used to walk around with that sense of confidence doesn't show that anymore. And that's really disheartening. And what we've been doing these past couple years with our teenagers who have experienced these kinds of changes is really honing in on their motivation and trying to help boost their confidence. We have a lot of conversations with our teenagers about motivation and the different types of motivation, where it comes from. You know, there's a lot of external motivation that we can talk about— rewards and prizes and grades— but there's also internal motivation, and we teach them the difference. We also have a lot of conversations with our teenagers about the things that are valuable to them, because hopefully even during this pandemic time, their values as a young person have not changed. Often our students come to us and they cannot name their values. You know, they may say things like, my family is important, my friends are important, getting good grades are important. Yes, absolutely. But we like to help them dig a little bit deeper and talk about what their values are, the things that light them up, the things that make them excited or drive them, and we remind them of those values and where we can, um, where those values show up in their life and where we need to add them in more in other areas of their lives. And we've seen some really great progress and success stories when we take that type of lens with this problem.

And I, I'm going to add on to the value piece. I think one of the reasons why the values are so important is because if you can capture a moment that a teenager loves and is proud of and wants to repeat that moment, and then you can do things that gives them opportunities to repeat it, it is extremely motivating. And it allows them to reclaim their self-identity and their confidence while motivating themselves all at the same time. And it's like a triple threat that kind of occurs. And it's really exciting to see them because they're realizing that they have a personal identity and that they are unique, but at the same time doing the things that they love.

I love that. That's a lot to unpack. As a parent, I'm like, oh, okay. Okay, all right, okay. So, you know, another question that popped up while you were going through that is I noticed with clients in my practice, teenagers, Some of them actually thrived during COVID and the online school because at school they felt socially awkward.

Yes.

They were concerned about who will I eat lunch with, and they had the stress of that. I saw some of them like flourish, and it was quite amazing. So on the flip side, I'm sure you've seen that as well. How do you help a parent to know when to come to you and when to ride it out?

Yeah, I'm actually thinking of a very specific student while you were telling that story because she said to me in the middle of the pandemic, "I have been waiting my whole life for this," and I, like, my jaw dropped for a minute because I never really thought about it. This was at the beginning of the pandemic when everybody was just struggling, and for her this was great. She's a young lady with some social anxieties. She did not like going into a school building, and just being online and being able to have that screen, like literal and figurative screen, between her and the rest of the world was great for her. And she actually has continued to do online schooling even though she has the option to go back in person. So for some kids, I think it's actually, like you said, it has been a benefit to them. However, I do always want to make sure that parents kind of navigate between that fine line of finding something that is supportive and works for their teen versus something that doesn't allow them that social opportunity and that interaction that they eventually are going to need at some point. You know, I think the fear I've heard a couple parents say is, I don't want my teenager living in my basement the rest of their life. Like, I do want them to be social. And so if online schooling does work for your teenager, I think that that is great and that is wonderful. I would just encourage parents to continue to seek out those social opportunities, whether they're with peers or adults, or perhaps adults that are in the career path that they want to be, and to just find that balance between living in an online world and living in a real world. So we have helped some students who have struggled, um, during that online time. We also have had students that have flourished during that online time, but it's always that balance of finding what works best and thinking about the long term, um, and making plans so that we can figure out what those end goals are and then take the baby steps to reach those end goals.

That's perfect. Uh, the next question that I have has to do with, um, when I get a new client, the parents are usually very frustrated that the student doesn't have a clue what they want to major in they don't have a clue what kind of college they want to go to. And I start out with the student playing, we call it the millionaire game. Basically what I'm showing the family is the student, it's more than not knowing their major or their career, that they don't know themselves. And I've even had students ask Siri, Siri, you know, what am I supposed to be doing right now? And you're like, oh no, this is so sad. Do you often get those students, or are they just all coming to me?

No, no, we get lots of those students. And it is a very popular question that we get is, what am I supposed to do with my life? And I think that there's a couple of things that I like to do with them. And I think a couple of questions. So ironically, I also teach Career Exploration. In my full-time job. So it's something that I really enjoy talking about with teens because there's so many things that they're unaware of that are available in this, you know, to them. But one of the things that I think is really important to ask them is, you know, what do you want your day to look like? It's not just about the salary, which is— I that's important. Like, when people say that's not important, yes, it is. Everybody needs to be able to put food on the table. Like, that is a valuable piece of the puzzle, and I don't want to disregard it. But what I do think is important is the value of your self-identity, who you are, and what you want your day to look like. Um, sometimes we get caught up in, A, what's going on in the television, or what's on TikTok, and what's popular. Like everybody wanted to be in, you know, CSI 10 years ago, and now it's, you know, pick your new— when I was in high school, everybody, the push was engineering. So, you know, what is the flavor of the year or the decade? But I think it's really important for them to look at what do they want their day in and day out to look like, their environment, their skill sets that they use on a daily basis. And one of the— it is not my quote, but it is one of my favorite quotes— is that college is a really expensive place to be to not know what you want to do in life. And I, I'm not saying don't go to college. I'm saying it's— it is worth your time and energy to explore and figure out your skill sets before you jump into a very expensive 4 to 6 years. Depending on what your path is. I had a young lady recently who she had received a scholarship and she was struggling in her first year of college, but because of the scholarship, she really wanted, you know, she felt like this was her path. When we did some career testing, we found out that even though she said she was majoring in business, everything that she had an interest in was arts and cosmetology. And I, you know, we had the conversation of graphic design, one was not a major opportunity at the school she was at. Cosmetology certainly was not an opportunity at the school she was at. And so we had to have a real heart-to-heart of, you know, it— what is your path and where do you want to go? And it's okay to figure out what that path is and maybe if we can find a college that aligns with your path, maybe a 4-year college is a great place for you. But maybe it's an alternative path as well. And that's okay. But I think again, it goes back to when we started looking at what do you want your day in and day out to look like? And she's like, well, I don't want to be in a, you know, I don't want to sit in an office all day. And I was like, hmm, okay, the major you're focusing in on right now, not all, but many of the people are doing that. So we need to really examine what that looks like for her. And so that's one of the things that we have so many clients that come to us asking all the time, I don't know what I want to do with my life. What am I supposed to do? And I've had a, you know, a magic 8-ball, and I would be a millionaire if I could tell them exactly what they wanted to do. But that isn't the reality. The reality is, is we can pull it apart and examine who you are and your your skill set and your personality and put all of those pieces of the puzzle together to create a, to create a bigger picture. And I think that that's what's really important. And so yes, we, I think we see very similar questions in clients when they come hoping that we have that answer.

That is so perfect. Natalie, do you want to add to that?

Sure. I can think of two other conversations that we've had with students that are really important while we're talking about what it is that they're supposed to be doing with their life. And the first one is, what is it that you think you should be doing or what other people are telling you you should do versus what you think yourself or what it is that lights you up? And so we'll often have students who come to us and say that they want to be a lawyer, a doctor, or an engineer. And when we ask why, they kind of shrug their shoulders. They're not really sure. You know, maybe they have a family member who's in that field, or maybe somebody once told them that they would be good at that. But if we don't have an answer about how it lights them up, how it is, you know, speaks to their values, or it really energizes them when they're doing that kind of work or those kinds of activities, then it may not be the thing that they should be doing. The other conversation is career versus hobby. And so I always use my husband in this example because my husband, bless him, is a wonderful cook. He is, he just puts this plate of food in front of us and for our family and everything is right with the world because it's so wonderful. However, that is a hobby for him. He doesn't want to do that, to be paid to do that day in and day out. And so we do have discussions with our kids about what you could be doing as a career to bring in income versus what are the things that you do that could be a hobby for you. And so those two are some important conversations to add as well. I love that.

We are so in alignment. It's, it's quite amazing. Uh, I get those questions all the time, probably every day, and it's exactly that. Sometimes it's parental-driven where I want my kid to be a doctor and the kid's like, I don't even like blood. Like, there's like this massive disconnect. And sometimes the student is really good at a lot of things. This is what I call a quality problem because they're so good at so many things that they're like, well, I could do this, or I could do that, or I could do this. And we really spend some time talking about return on investment of your time and your education. So instead of just saying, I want to be a doctor, like what you're alluding to is, well, why is it what they do during the day? Is it the lifestyle? Is it the pay? Like, What about that career? Most of them cannot tell me. Then we go to the next level and they say, well, I have no idea what college I want to go to. And I will say, well, what about your major? Well, no. Well, it's hard to pick a college without knowing what you might want to major in. So I think what you ladies are doing is just so powerful to give the students a voice to what they're feeling. And I think that's sometimes the struggle for them is they're, they're worried that when they use their voice, somebody is going to judge them. And so I often tell them I'm in a no judgment zone, as I'm guessing the two of you are. Like, I just want what you want. So if you don't tell me, I can't help you. I have another question. Let's go to the flip side. What if you have a child who is struggling, or they try hard but they're not doing well, like they, they don't have those massive gifts and talents, but they are a hard worker. How do you help that type of child?

So we will often have students who are exactly what you said. They're hardworking, they want to do well in school, but when they put in the effort, they're just not seeing that effort pay off. So, for example, I had a student who always studied so hard for tests, so long for tests, and he would bomb them, and he would get so defeated and think to himself, "Why am I even doing this? Like, what's the point?" And to be honest, I don't blame him because nobody wants to put in the work and not see that effort pay off, right? So when we dug in and we really looked at what he was using in order to study— I'm using quotes, I know you can't see me if you're listening to this, but to study, really the methods that he was using were very ineffective. He would reread things is what he said. I reread my chapter, or I would quote, look over my notes. Um, and those types of activities are just not the ones that are going to help you retain the information. So he had the hard work and he had the stamina, but he didn't have the right strategies to help him study. And so for him, this was actually a pretty easy fix. It was just, we've got to teach this kid how to study. You know, how do we know what to do when you sit down to study? Now, a lot of our kids write on their planner, study for English, study for history, but what does that actually mean and what does that actually look like when you sit down to do it? That's where the disconnect is. So we can fix that pretty easily. We just teach them how to study effectively, and when they can do that, we see huge boosts, not only in their grades but also in their confidence, because they know what it is that they have to do to get that end result.

So then again, the opposite, the overachiever, right? That I get all the different spectrums of the students who are super motivated, hardworking, to it comes easy and it makes their parents crazy that they don't spend time in the books. So how do you help an overachieving student who is kind of living in the world of almost overwhelmed?

Yeah, I think it starts with setting priorities and allowing them to kind of take a step back and look at, you know, you're good at a lot of different things and you have so many skill sets, but what is actually bringing you joy and what is a passion for you? What is obligatory and what are you actually getting a return and a reward on? And because I think that a lot of times it is a competition amongst their peers and themselves is to be the best. And what does that actually mean? And is it really self-rewarding? And so I think that when I have a teen that I'm working with that is, you know, fits that description, it's pulling back and saying, okay, you've got so many gifts, but which ones are actually rewarding for you? And what are you actually finding joy in versus the ones that you're feeling like it is a commitment and you're just dragging through it. So I think that that's the first part. The second, I think, is— and it's kind of aligned with the idea of the reward— is what's your long-term goal with these activities? You know, is it to get a scholarship with it? Is it because it just brings you joy and it is something that allows you to, you know, experience your passion? Or is it because you hope that it's going to further your academics? And so I think that having a long-term goal with each of those activities can be very valuable because I think what ends up happening, and I'm sure you see this as well, is it's burnout city. And when that burnout occurs, then all of the houses in— or all the cards in the house start to crumble and fall apart, and that very fragile perfect house just immediately starts collapsing. And it's very hard to pick up the pieces from that point because the burnout is so strong and the exhaustion is so prevalent. So I think that that's really important is to, you know, create a space where they can take time to do some self-care. And when they do that self-care, making sure that they're practicing it on a regular basis and having some tools there that they use on regularly that allow them to really balance themselves and ground themselves, because then they can continue to do the things that they really love and that they really enjoy. Because I mean, when you're taking 5 AP classes and you're in the band and you're in the plays and you're cheering and you're dancing and you're doing all these different things, like, I don't care who you are, like, there's only so many hours in the day and the exhaustion will come. I mean, it's just against nature, you know. So I, I think that that plays a big role in it, is making sure to add that self-care piece in. I think we, we underestimate that piece and we we blow it off very quickly and push it to the side as if it's a waste. In actuality, I think it's probably the— it's almost like they say when, you know, you're with your income, you should pay yourself first and put money in your savings accounts. And self-care is your savings accounts. And we need to start putting more money into that piece and putting more care into that piece, because when we then need to do the work all that self-care will pay off and will help us get through.

I love that. And just for the listeners and the parents out there, video games can make us all a little crazy, and some students claim that that is their self-care. Um, I think it goes back to a little bit of balance, and just know that the brain is not stopping with all those lights and all that activity and all of that. So There's a lot of different, and I'm sure that you guys dig right into that. I can't believe our time is already over. It has just sped by. Can one of you share, if I have a listener who would love to talk to you, what is the best way to reach you?

Yeah, the best way to reach us is to go onto our website, which is lifesuccessforteens.com. I know that's a mouthful, um, but on our website you'll see several different links where you can sign up for a free 30-minute strategy session with one of us. And during that strategy session, we really try to piece apart what it is that is going well for your team, but also where they're struggling, where they may need to have some gaps filled or to learn some different skills. And during that call, if it sounds like your team is a good fit for coaching, we will offer an invitation for you to work with one of us as well. So there's value in that strategy session, even if you don't work with us. Um, but that's the best way to reach us, to go onto the website and schedule a time that is convenient for you.

Outstanding. I will also put that information in the show notes. Thank you both very much for being on the show today, and we look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Thanks for listening to Parents, Is Your Teen College Ready? with Shellee Howard. Make sure to check the show notes for our expert expert guests' contact information, links, and more details on how to get Shellee Howard's free bestselling book, How to Send Your Student to College Without Losing Your Mind or Your Money. Thanks again for listening.