Raising Teens with Confidence for College Success- Podcast with Ruth Klein

Hello parents, is your teen college ready? My name is Shellee Howard and I'm the founder and CEO of College Ready. I have a wonderful guest today. I'd like to welcome Ruth Klein. Welcome to the show.

Thank you, it's great to be here.

So maybe you can tell our audience a little bit about yourself and maybe why they would want to listen.

Sure.

Sure.

So, um, I have worked with children and teens for over 30 years, and I have 3 beautiful children and grandchildren now. Um, and I guess you'd want to listen because of the transformation that can happen with a few tweaks. It's not about starting from scratch. Especially when we're talking about teens. You can't really start from scratch at that point, but you can certainly do some, some tweaking to make a transformation in the lives of the teen, in the lives of the parents, and in the lives of the actual family unit. Hmm.

I know there are some parents who are like taking that deep breath and leaning in, right? So I do ask one question of every guest, and that is When you were in high school at 17 and 18, did you know you would be doing what you're doing now?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. However, uh, let me just share that I went into psychology. I knew I was going to go into psychology as a young girl. It's always been important to me that, uh, my mother lived through the war. And so she had emotional pieces, scars, because of it. And, um, and I wanted to be the person to help with people that their lives really weren't working as well as they wanted it to. And so, um, as it turns out, I ended up getting a Master's of Clinical Psychology, and I also received a Master's in Spiritual Psychology with an emphasis in consciousness, health, and healing. Because you cannot, as far as I'm concerned, you cannot talk about the body without talking about the mind and the spirit. And you cannot talk about the spirit and the mind without commenting on the body. Because the body listens to our thoughts. And the body says, knock, knock. Hello? Anybody home? And it tries to get our attention, whether it might be a migraine or a headache or lower back pain or sciatica or whatever it is. But the body is being kind to us by telling us because we weren't listening until we needed to. We had to. And so as far as I'm concerned, it is a— it's a 360-degree And I remember, Shellee Howard, um, as a young mother, I sat, had breakfast with a girlfriend weekly. We wanted to figure something out where we could help children and teens increase their self-esteem, because what I do in my other business, um, the, the branding and the marketing It all comes down to messaging and ideas and thinking. And the people that are the most successful are the ones that have done personal development and have identified their blockages, many of their blocks or blind spots, because we all have them, and, and how little mindset, um, awareness And they're the most successful because they're able to move forward. And I often say, as parents, the best gift we can give our children is mindset awareness, is personal development, is self-leadership. Because our children and our teens watch us like a hawk, even when we don't think they're watching us. Yeah. Right? We are role modeling every moment of the day.

Day.

We're role modeling how we speak to family members outside of the home, to our parents, to our grand— they're listening. They're listening and they're making a decision of what that means. And most of the time it's not accurate. Most of the time it's not accurate. So it behooves all of us to, to be able to have awareness of how we're coming across, um, and, and look at our blind spots. Not because there's anything wrong with us, but because we want to make our lives even more fulfilling, more meaningful, more in the flow, more harmonious. That's what makes, as far as I'm concerned, that for me is Right.

Yeah. And just think if we started that much sooner, right, in our early teenage years, how that would impact the rest of our lives. So let's talk about when can you start having these conversations? Like, when is the right time to get support? When, when is— or what do you listen to? Or I, I'm thinking from— I have 4 kids, like, it would have been different for each of them, but when is maybe average or start to think about it?

Let me give you an example, um, and then we'll go into teens. So my daughter was 4 years old, she was, you know, the terrible twos. She was a perfect two, then the fours hit and she made up for it. And I realized that she needed my attention, my attention every other day, or she'd act out. So I thought, huh, okay, what am I gonna do? Because I'm always asking, what am I gonna do? And then I let it go. I asked the question. It's not so much the answer as it is asking the right question. And so what am I gonna do? Or how, how am I gonna make this work? And I thought, okay, I'm gonna have a tea party. And so I said, Naomi, do you wanna have a tea party? And she goes, yeah. So the first tea party, we actually went out to a restaurant. We had tea. And then every other day I'd say, Naomi, you wanna have tea party? Yes, mommy. And we'd sit at the table and I, I collect tea, um, little teacups and saucers, and we would have tea, herbal tea. And I just let her talk. Then my next child loved— no, you know, became code for mom time, which is really important. And he would say, Mom, I wanna have a tea party. So we'd have a tea party.

Mm-hmm.

For him, just with him. Then the third one didn't like tea, but he loved sports. So I'd say, Daniel, you wanna play football? He goes, yeah. So we would literally take a football and we would throw, and if it was inclement weather, we would throw the football in the kitchen and I would just let him talk. Because what you wanna do is connect. Most important, connect. And when that child feels connected, when they feel you are listening, they will talk. Children love to talk about themselves and what's happening. Teens love to talk. And I often get, yeah, my teen doesn't talk to me. So my question to you is, How are you connecting with them? How often are you connecting with them? And it's not— and moms out there, let me share with you, it's not the amount of time, it's the quality of time. It is the quality of time. So you can be home and with a child and go, uh-uh, not now, forget it, I'm too busy. That's not quality time, and yet you're home. That doesn't count. What counts is, you know what, sweetie? I am home right now and I am going to have work with some clients, but I really wanna chat with you. Let's go have some tea or, or they may not like tea or let's go get a soft drink. You know, if you drink soft drinks, get the healthiest soft drink you can as a teen, I guess. But you go out and you do that. They have your undivided attention. Now there's a whole new world now because of technology. And as much as I love technology, there's also another piece to it. And let me share with you parents again and moms, this is not new with the phone. The phone has always been an issue. Always been an issue. Uh, it's always caused havoc. However, we had a stationary phone. We now have a mobile phone. And so when I say quality time, that doesn't mean that you don't have to, uh, you can get rid of your phone. It just means for 20 minutes, for 30 minutes, you put that sucker away or you put it on mute, and it's just that teen and I And we're talking, and I'm listening. And even though I might not like something they say, here's, here's an idea that you can say. Let's say they say something, it's like, oh my gosh, you think. So you say something like, wow, that's interesting, tell me more. Because they can pick up the judgment. And when a teen starts to pick up a judgment, they will pull away and they will close up. And it's the same thing with an adult. What happens when we feel judged? Do we want to continue talking to someone? Do we want to continue sharing with someone? No, no, no, no. We close down. And so that's what I'm talking about, these small tweaks, Shellee Howard, that can go really far. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna say this word again and again and again. It's called connection. And I'm working, I'm writing a parenting book right now, and it's all about the different ways we can connect with our children and our teens. And the other side of that, just because you think you've connected, we've got, you've got to make sure that the child or the teen feels that you've been connected with them. It's a two-way street, mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and teacher and whomever else you're out there. It's a two-way street. And so that connection— and I call it, Shellee, the invisible thread. And I'll share with you how important this invisible thread is. I'm going to back off for a minute and, and share. Very, very successful athletes, when they're interviewed with the media, who do you want to thank the most? My mom. And many of these athletes have had really, really tough, um, growing up experiences, and yet they want to thank their mom. And in so many cases, I believe it's because of the invisible thread. So when a parent connects You know, your friends, your best friends, what is it? It's connection. You wanna tell them everything. You're not fearful they're gonna not, they're gonna judge you or they're gonna do something about that. You, you feel heard. And that invisible thread is the, is, is what tethers a teen to a parent.

Sure.

Because there's a lot of stuff out there now. That a teen can turn to. And then we've got social media and all of that. But if we have that invisible thread, if that mom, if that dad, if that grandma, that grandpa has that invisible thread connection, that child's gonna think twice and three times and four times before they veer in a direction that is not the best for them.

Yeah, so let's talk about what about if your teen won't get off their phone. You're asking for this and this beautiful, I want to connect with you. I'm so fortunate I didn't have one of these, but I've heard of these where they just flat out say, no, I, I'm not, I'm not turning off my phone and I don't want us. I've even heard people say, I don't want to. And I'm like, I can't imagine. I was very connected to all 4 of my kids, so I, I don't know what that would feel like. But everybody's different. It's not my, you know, I, I wouldn't know how to help them.

So the first place I would start, Shellee, is I would ask the parent, when did you start, um, using your mobile phone? How old were the children? How often did you do it? Because the child that, you know, if it's hard for the parents to get off the phone and everything we do is a role modeling, then why would we think the child or the teen, or in this case the teen, would get off the phone when we asked them? Because the child and the teen wanted their parent off the phone and they didn't. They may not have said anything, but they acted it out most likely, or acted up. And so that's the first place to start. The second place is to admit that, not to be critical of yourself. Again, just for an awareness, just for an awareness. And then how can you Parent, look at that phone less when you're around the children and the teens. Does that— did you— do you look at the phone during dinner? Did you interrupt dinner to answer a phone call? What did that look like? Again, it's about taking inventory of that behavior Knowing that you role-modeled it for years and years and years, possibly. And the third thing after that is you now— now the parent, and not to feel badly, but now the parent goes, wow, I can see how much time I've spent on the phone when I was with my child and now my teen. And now who am I to say get off your phone, I wanna spend time with you. So the third thing to do, now that you can understand where that teen's coming from, you need to be able to have a conversation. Shellee, you know something that I realized? I am so sorry. For the longest time, I have had my phone almost attached to my hip. And I want to apologize, sweetheart, that, that I, I could have paid so much more attention to you. But, you know, I was working on the phone, which of course is important, don't get me wrong, because, you know, we live the way we do because I have to work. However, I could have taken a— I could have taken times off to just be with you because I love being with you. You're, you're so special to me. And I am sorry for all the times that I was on the phone when you wanted to talk to me. And then you're quiet. And the child is gonna go, whoa, they're gonna think, whoa. And the child most, and the teen's most likely is gonna feel, there's gonna either one of two things. You got that right, they're gonna say, or they're gonna think, or they're going to do something like, Whoa, wow, my mom, my dad's apologizing.

Wow. Yeah.

And then you, and then you move together, you move both of you together forward. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna put that phone on mute after, you know, after, after work. From 6, I'm yours. And, um, and you know, I, I'd have to play around with that. I help families with their schedules. So I'm just saying that, uh, but let's just say it's a single mom and, um, and she has 2 jobs. I mean, I have to, you know, you have to personalize it, uh, but the, and you stick to it. Now the child won't believe you at first. The teen will just think that you're talking.

Okay.

Yeah, but after a while, and we would do the same thing, we would do the same thing as adult. So we have to prove ourselves to our team and we have to keep it up so they know we mean business, right? And even if, even if we're off our phone from 6 to on and they're on their phone We have to understand that, but we make little strides in there. Let's go get, let's go get something to eat. Okay, who doesn't, who, what teen doesn't want to get something to eat? And then, and then say, um, you know, I would love it if you could just put your, your phone on mute because I would love to just have quality time with you because I, you know, I love our talks. I, I want to get back into that. I miss that.

Yeah, it's so beautiful. I— it brings me back. My first child, everybody asks, you know, when he got into Harvard, that everybody wants the secret, like, what, how, what do I do? How do I raise them? And I mean, he, he raised himself. No, I, I can only take a little bit of credit, but I will say the one thing I did— so for those of you who have little people, Um, when he was doing bath time, I would open up a book like a novel and I would put my phone in it so he couldn't see it. And so to him it looked like I was always face in book, face in book, and he learned to love books more so than his phone.

Yeah.

I knew he held up with a book and could care less to his phone. So monkey see monkey do kind of.

Exactly. Exactly. We role model everything. When we don't, even when we don't stop at a red stop sign, don't think for a minute kids don't see that. So, you know, which is really, we're really, you know, for those of us who have children, we are so fortunate that we get to clean up our act when we have children. If we haven't cleaned up our act before we have children, And, you know, cleaning up our act is a lifetime endeavor, let's face it. And things happen, experiences and all of that. But we get the opportunity to be better humans when we have children and teens because we're role modeling, right?

Yeah. And so what about you go through this and you're trying, and how do you know when there's a true problem? Because We don't take every student into our program. If they roll their eyes when I'm talking to the student, if they're disrespectful, if they're leaning back in their chair, if they're not engaging, I will not choose to work with them until they can figure out that communication piece. So how does a parent know when it's being a little bit naughty teenager testing the waters to, you know what, I think this is bigger than me, I think I might need support. How do you know when that happens?

It's, you know, it's different for every child, but I will tell you, um, the Self-Esteem Council that we had for 22 years, and we went into the high schools and saw quite an incredible improvement. When that closed after 22 years, I, um, I'm starting what's called Universal Mom, and I had a pilot program with teens And see, I love working with teens that are a little naughty. Um, I really do, because they're, they're good. They're good humans. They're good humans. They're just— they don't know what to do with their feelings. They don't know what to do with some of the experiences that they've had. They just need someone outside mom and dad to listen to them. And so this Universal Mom nonprofit, it's helping children and teens uncover their brilliance through the art of writing to help build their self-esteem. Because at the end of the day, it's all about self-esteem for adults as well as children as well as teens. And it's, you know, that's what I, that's what I'm trained to do. And I love it. And yeah, the transformation is huge. And the teen can feel that you're listening. They can feel that you care. And they open up. There's a gal in one of the pilot programs. She was a senior. And she had always had a tutor in English. She hated English. And so her mom signed up for the 8-week course with me. And after 4 weeks, only 4 weeks, she had her final, her English final, and it was an essay. And she received it and she looked at and she immediately went, I can't do this, I can't do this. And then something clicked, something that we had discussed, and she started writing, writing, writing. Then when the teacher gave her back the grade, said, where have you been all year? And she had, she had an F+ or something getting into, so she wasn't gonna be able to graduate. And the test, well, the final was, it weighted a lot. And she ended up getting something like a B-, and she was able to get a C-something in the class, and she graduated. But here's the best part. Here's the best part. She used to hate English. So she's now going to college and she signed up for an English class.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's amazing. Because the way that we, you know, the way I work it, um, it just, it was awesome. It was just, I mean, one of the, one of the sessions we went out and we went and looked at a tree. We literally looked at a tree. They got to choose their tree and they wrote a story about the tree. Now the story somehow resembles their life. That story tells me a lot of information. So every time we're together, they're writing and I'm giving them some kind of a prompt that tells me what they're trying to say, but they don't know how, or what they're going through and they don't know how to verbalize it. And they're beautiful, beautiful little humans.

I love that. So if somebody needed support, if they wanted to reach out, they had questions for you, how might they reach you?

What I would say, the universalmom.org website is not, um, it's not really activated to the point where it needs to be activated. So I would have them go to my business one, Ruth Klein is K-L-E-I-N. And then you can chat with me complimentary for 30 minutes. And then when you answer the question, just say, you know, heard you on Shellee Howard's podcast and would love to chat with you. And then we'll get that set up automatically.

I love it.

No one, no parent, no parent needs to do this alone. No parent can do this alone. And reach out. Feel, feel okay to reach out. Get the support you feel you need.

Well, thank you, Ruth. And parents, we're here for you, right? We need to get your teen not only college ready but life ready. So reach out to Ruth. And Ruth, thank you so much for being a guest on our show.

That was great. Thanks, Shellee Howard. It's always fun.

Until next time, parents, Please get yourself and your student college ready. Have a good one.