How to Set Boundaries Without Losing Your Mission-First Edge

We can't make anyone else do things, but what we can do is train them on how we would like and how we would prefer to be treated. This show is powered by others over self. Hit that subscribe button to keep training your brain. From others over self. It's hardcore and at ease. A show about people who are keeping their edge without going over the edge. I'm host Shelley Rude, proof that no matter how strong you are, you can still be used as a doormat. Today's lesson is all about boundaries. Stick with us through this episode as we learn about the differences between windows, walkways, and walls. And when and how to use these different types of boundaries in your life can enhance your quality of living. This is hardcore and at ease. Well, hey there, friends. Today's episode is taking a deviation from the norm. We are going to go deep into a lesson on boundaries. Now, these can be personal boundaries, professional boundaries, and the goal of our conversation today is for us to help recognize different types of boundaries that we can be utilizing throughout our daily lives. That can really help us gain a sense of peace, gain a better sense of constant joy and a little bit of control over how we react to other people, and we might even have a little bit of an opportunity to influence how they react to us. And that's the hardest thing to do, to be able to weigh the actions of another person. We can't make anyone else do things, but what we can do is train them on how we would like and how we would prefer to be treated. So today's lesson on boundaries is one that we have been teaching at Mission Ambition for years. We developed this way back in the early 2000s, and we have taught it to different types of audiences. We've taught it to women who are veterans. We've taught it to women who are firefighters. We've taught it to your leadership team in a corporate environment. My hope for you today is that you will enjoy this session on boundaries. If you're listening to us, we do have a slideshow that goes along with the lesson and you can access that in the show notes and you can also choose to watch this on our YouTube channel. We do have the Hardcore and Addies podcast Always, always. Every week. It's up there on YouTube as a podcast as well, so you can watch the video part that goes along with the audio. So without further ado, I am going to share our presentation on boundaries. And this is Windows, Walkways, and Walls compiled by others over self. Now, when we're talking about boundaries, this course is designed to be Taught in a group. And so the first slide that you see here talks us through the agenda of how this works. Now, imagine yourselves today in a group setting. The very first thing that you want to have on the agenda is the group guidelines. Because when you're learning in a group setting, the guidelines help to enhance the discussion. And we'll talk about that in just a minute. Once we get through the group guidelines, it's very important that you have a moment of introductions between you and the people around you. So introductions are very short. They're meant to be 60 seconds of just self awareness to help welcome you into a space where you can feel confident to be able to share. Now, the third thing on the agenda is the content itself. And today's content is going through vignette discovery. We're going to talk a little bit about journaling, and if we are in person, there's an opportunity in here to have discussion with those that you're next to. And finally, our content does include life application. So it's one thing to be able to receive this content, it's another thing to be able to put it in action in our daily lives. And that is my hope for you today. Finally, we have a next step, and that is how to stay connected. Because staying connected with healthy people is the best way to bring joy into your life. And you can follow along with this@join.othersoverself.com where you can actually take today's lesson as a course. And if you want to teach it in person with other people, then I definitely encourage you to do that. So what you're seeing here are the others over self Group guidelines. If you are meeting as a group, we do recommend that you go through these guidelines every single time that you meet. They should be physically present in front of you and your attendees, and they should also be kept in a binder and brought to the discussion every time that the group meets. Why do we have group guidelines? Because clear rules create healthy boundaries. They do this in life. And the same is true when we're having discussion with our peers. Group guidelines help to create a comfortable environment that encourages both discussion and growth. They benefit and protect everyone that's in the group. Group guidelines offer structure and they also teach us new ways of how to relate to others. So we have a few guidelines, and I'll read them out loud with the numbers, starting with number one, self, focus and confidentiality. We are here to work on ourselves, not others. Share your own experiences. What's said here stays here. Number two, respect and courtesy. There's no judging, no criticizing or no attempting to fix others. We want to limit our sharing time and avoid cross talk or side conversations. The resource sharing or hey, I have something that might help you. That type of conversation is best outside of this particular type of gathering. The third guideline is about emotions and space. It's very important that we don't minimize the hurts of others. We allow the permission to feel and to cry. And we always want to check with another human being before physically touching them. The fourth guideline is language and listen. We want to keep language typically in our adult groups around PG13, which means maybe one F bomb slips in there, but nothing more than that. It's very important that we give undivided attention as well. So cell phones obviously should be off. And when we're thinking about what type of languaging we should be used or talking about, be very conscious of oversharing or sharing graphic details, especially those that can be sexual in nature, because we might be accidentally triggering other people in the group. Now, if someone else in the group does request feedback, then yes, by all means, give your feedback, but keep it very brief. Remember, we said that resource sharing should be done outside of this gathering. So give your feedback, keep it brief, and again, make sure that we're avoiding explicit content. So the final group guideline is number five, and it's Let growth work. Facilitators exist so that they can bring balance and openness to the group. We want the values of the collective group to guide us through self discovery and social discovery. So when your facilitator is teaching or trying to guide the conversation in certain ways, it's important that you respect their direction and you help them to maintain that balance. Now, those guidelines have been with us for many years and we use them in every single group setting. Again, it's important that you don't skip them, but that you get everyone on an equal playing field right out the gate. This goes for the CEO that's in the room as well as the pizza delivery guy if he's part of what you're doing. But you want everybody in the group to be able to feel like we're in the same space and that we're on equal footing. Otherwise the sharing and the discussion that needs to happen won't happen. Okay, we're onto item number two on our agenda and this is introductions. Again. If we are doing introductions in the group setting, you never, ever, ever want to skip this, even if everybody already quote unquote knows each other. So when you're doing introductions what you want to do is set a timer and you want to do 60 seconds per person. For this particular lesson, we ask each person to share their full name, their vocation, or maybe even a passion project that they're working on. And it's okay that we validate the lives of others that are serving from a volunteer place or just working on a project that they're personally passionate about. We also ask that they share an area of life that they know needs work on boundaries. Again, we're not here to fix each other, so let's give everybody the opportunity to share. What is it in your life that needs work on boundaries? Now, maybe you're listening to today's podcast episode with no intent of doing this in a group setting. I love that. So my question to you, my dear ambitious friend, is what is an area of your life that needs work on boundaries? While you're thinking about that, let's go ahead and jump into our lesson. So, boundaries. We start off with a quote from Brene Brown. Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Now today's goal is to be able to recognize different types of boundaries and perform an exercise on self reflection so that we can apply at least one new boundary to our lives for our own well being. Let's consider why we need boundaries. What we're really talking about here is mitigating risk in our own lives. Now what you see in this picture, there's two different pictures. The first one that I want you to look at is the mother and her child at the zoo. So this is the portrait style photo that's inside of the iPhone frame. What you're looking at is a mother and her child and there's some type of glass. And on the other side of the glass is a tiger, a real live tiger that is high level with the little boy. He's the boy child. And the mother is crouched down, she's about even height with the boy. And they're both staring at the tiger and the tiger is staring back at them. So the thing that I want you to think about as you visualize this moment is what boundaries are working to keep both the mother and the child safe from the tiger. What boundaries are there? Think about things like how did they get there? I would assume that they might be at a zoo and maybe there was a path that they walked through to get there and maybe they had to walk behind a different type of partition or a different part of a building to be able to view the tiger in this safe manner. The second bullet for consideration says, is this a one, two or three way interaction? A one, two or three way interaction. Now think about that. A one way interaction is where you are just out there, right? There's one being and that one being is essentially presenting to the environment. A two way interaction would be two beings that are interacting with each other somehow. A three way interaction means that there are three beings, at least that are influencing each other and changing the dynamics of the situation. Now that's an interesting bullet to make sure that we consider when we're setting boundaries. Sometimes we think about boundaries as me versus him or her versus she, when what we really want to be thinking about is all of those second, third and fourth order effects that happen when boundaries either are in place or are not being respected. So again, that second bullet is, is this a one, two or three way interaction? And in the case of this tiger and the child and the child mother, it's definitely a three way interaction. Now the third bullet says, who is responsible for their safety? Who is responsible for their safety? That's a loaded question because you automatically know, well, the mother is responsible for the child's safety. But once the mother and the child stepped onto the private property of the zoo, now the zoo legally assumed some responsibility for their safety. So there's a lot of layers in here when it comes to responsibility and safety. All right, now let's shift away from the boundaries with the tiger picture. And we're going to look at picture number two. And this image comes from viral hog. And this image is from a well known gorilla who was in a zoo and a child fell into the enclosure. So what you see here is a gorilla in a little river that is part of the zoo enclosure. And there is a boy of similar age. There's no mother in this picture. It's just this giant gorilla and this small boy. And the small boy in this freeze frame, he has his back turned to the gorilla. He's not maybe screaming to get away, but he's definitely trying to move away from the gorilla. And the gorilla has his one hand on the back of the little boy's shorts pulling him near the gorilla a little bit closer. So the boy is very obviously like trying to get away. And the gorilla has him grabbed by his shorts trying to pull him in closer. So the question here to think about is what can happen when boundaries are crossed? Interacting with people is just as risky, if not more risky than Interacting with animals. Boundaries like glass. Boundaries that help muffle the sound. Boundaries like paths that help us show where to walk, how to speak, how to interact, should we touch or not touch. These are all things that we need to have in place for our own mental safety and that we need to understand about how others are interacting with us as well. So there is a three step process when it comes to managing boundaries. The first step is to recognize. The second step is to educate. And the final step is to review and revise those boundaries. Let's review each of these three steps of managing boundaries. So recognize. It starts with recognizing that boundaries are everywhere and that they differ from person to person. We have to start by understanding what boundaries are already in place, what is being respected, and what is not being respected. If you think back to the mother and the child with the tiger, what boundaries are already in place? Very thick glass existing between the two types of beings. A path that the mother and the child are expected to stay in and around. And the mother and the child were respecting those boundaries. In the other picture, with the gorilla and the little boy, there was a boundary in place in the zoo, but the little boy did not respect it and went into the gorilla's cage. In our daily lives, when we're managing boundaries, the first thing that we need to do is consider what is already in place and is it being respected or not? The second step in the process of managing boundaries is educate. Boundaries do not exist for you and you alone. Repeat that to yourself. Boundaries do not exist for you and you alone. They always involve other people. If you are the one who sets a boundary, it becomes your responsibility to educate others on this expectation. Human beings have widely varying types of cultural boundaries and expectations. And one of the biggest communication errors that we see in leadership development and human interaction is simply communication over boundaries. It's shocking how some people can believe that crossing a boundary line is acceptable where another human being would think that that is deplorable. So education is extremely important. Even if you feel like, well, Shelly, this is just common sense. Well, the fact of the matter is, if you set a boundary for yourself, like no butt pinching when I go to networking events, then it is your responsibility to make sure that you're educating others on that expectation. All right. The third step in the process of managing boundaries is review and revise. Just as people grow and change, our boundaries can be fluid and they can be adapted to different situations. So we regularly want to take time to analyze the interactions that we're having and make changes that are Necessary. A great example of me managing boundaries right now. I've mentioned in this podcast that I have a court date coming up with my ex husband and it does involve custody issues. So what more of a perfect time for us to review boundaries and how this plays out. So let's walk through that three step process of managing boundaries and how it relates to a court custody type of situation. So it starts with recognize and then educate and then review and revise. So in my particular situation, we want to recognize what boundaries are already in place. You have the defendant and the plaintiff, the plaintiff is the one bringing a complaint and then you have the defendant who has to defend themselves against that complaint. So in this particular case of what happened in my court today, I was the defendant. So it was important for me to recognize what kind of boundaries are already in place in this interaction. Now one of the incredible things about the American legal system is that it loves boundaries. It wants you to be very, very clear on who is going to do what and when. Recognizing a boundary that we already have in place is our custody agreement and it was reviewed only a couple of years ago. And that is the agreement that sets the standard for how we're supposed to interact with each other as co parents, as well as how we're supposed to be interacting with our son and scheduling time together. All of the above. So the question with recognize as it relates to a custody agreement, looking through that agreement and seeing what in here is is being respected and what in here is not being respected. Now, a boundary that exists in my court agreement is that anyone at either party that is going to exercise visitation has to give the other parent notice no less than two weeks in advance. That was a boundary that was actually recommended by one of the court officials to us a few years ago. And ever since we put that boundary in place, it has brought so much freedom and joy and stability back into our lives. So we no longer have one party saying, oh, I'm going to do a visitation. Here's the flight information at the last minute. Having that two week cushion allows for all parties involved. Remember, boundaries never affect just one person. It allows for all parties involved in the situation to have processing time, to have planning time, and to be able to execute whatever action is coming down the pipe with that two week window. And so in this particular court case, the two week window was not being respected on his side, but at the end of the day it was upheld. So that two week window is definitely in there to help protect all the parties involved. And that is something that is so special and that I really appreciate and I recommend to anyone out there who is working themselves through this type of custodial or visitation arrangement. All right, so the second step in the three step process of managing boundaries is educate. If you remember, boundaries do not exist for you and you alone. Now, this is a tough one. A lot of times we think that other people should just know the boundaries, especially when they have a copy of our boundaries. Right? Like a custody agreement is a legal paper and both parties have copies of it. But there are a lot of times when requests were being made to me that go outside of that agreement and I do have the choice, and it's written right in the agreement, that if the parties agree outside of the agreement, then you are free to do what you want. However, if I want to maintain the boundaries in the agreement, it becomes my responsibility to educate others on that expectation. And so I have found myself many times as of recently saying, go back and look at the custodial agreement, comply with the custodial agreement. So that beautiful piece of paperwork can serve as a boundary that is non personal. Right. Because you can have a problem with Shelly and Shelley's attitude, but it's a lot harder to have a problem with something that's written in law or part of a system or a policy or a procedure at work. That's one of the things that we're taught as officers in the military. When you are writing, there's a particular writing style that we follow and you try not to use the word you. Instead you replace you with whatever the issue is and it just helps take the personal conflict out of the communication. All right, finally we're going to take a look at the third step in the process of managing boundaries as it applied to my recent court case. So step three is review and revise. So important because people grow and change, boundaries can be fluid and they need to adapt to each situation. Now, what brought this particular custodial complaint on was the fact that the parenting co partner, my ex husband, is currently deployed. I don't know where he is. I've never seen a copy of his deployment papers. I'm not going to deny that he's probably overseas somewhere, but the fact that he is deployed, it does call for a review and a possible revision of the boundaries that are in place. And so even in this case, reviewing what is already in there. Right. So that's part of step one of recognize review, pick up that document, review that document and think what in this boundary relates to the issue that I'm thinking of. Right now, because in our case, there was a paragraph specifically crafted for the instance of potential deployment. And we did take the time to analyze those interactions and what those boundaries were. And our outcome today was that no changes were deemed necessary and our existing custodial agreement was upheld. And we're supposed to just move forward with things as is. So, again, our three step process of managing boundaries, recognize, educate, and then review and revise today is a beautiful example of using my court custody case to help kind of show you what the boundary process looks like as applied to very important life situations. So now let's take a look at the three different types of boundaries. The first type of boundary is called a window. And a window is a starting place once we recognize that there might be a need for distancing. The second type of boundary is called a walkway. And there are communication tools and systems of engagement that provide a path. That's a walkway boundary. And the third type of boundary is a wall. It's pretty set and dry, right? That is a brick wall. This is a set rule or group of rules that clearly defines interaction with consequences. So windows, walkways, and walls, those are the three types of boundaries. Windows are a starting place once we recognize that there might be a need for some distancing. Walkways are communication tools and systems of engagement that help to provide that path. And finally, the walls are the set of rules. And the important differentiator here is that a wall always has to have a consequence attached to it. Now, if you've heard me preaching, preaching, talking, teaching at any point throughout this podcast or even throughout my professional career, you know that I teach a course on intimate partner violence and domestic violence. And I teach that course from a place of what's called lived experience, which means that I, as a human being, have lived through either intimate partner violence or domestic violence. So to hear me talk on boundaries and the types of boundaries is something that I've had to learn the hard way over the years. And I hope deeply that my work will bring to you a little bit of light and encouragement to know that it's okay to start with windows and to first recognize that, wow, I feel like a boundary is being crossed. It's just that starting place. And then once you kind of recognize of like, wow, that, that we need to do something about this, then that's where you go onto a walkway. And a walkway is just a path. It's something, it's a discussion between two people or three people to say, okay, you know what, if this is going to be an issue Then here's how I feel most comfortable addressing this issue. We're talking about communication tools. A really good example of this is, again, related to my ex husband, but we had problems with communication, meaning like text messages, emails, phone calls, and they were not of a respectful manner. You know, there's nobody from outside looking in that would say, oh, yeah, that's a really healthy, encouraging type of communication happening there. It's very hurtful to receive text messages and words in black and white that can be demeaning or that can eat away at you. They can accuse you of being things that you know that you're not. People use shame in ways that they might not realize that they're doing it, but they can really tear you down after a while. And so maybe you're somebody right now that's experiencing a relationship where respect is not happening all the way around. And you know that you're. You're looking in the window and you're like, you know what? Something's got to change here. I don't like getting this 2am text message telling me that I'm a bad mother. Something's got to change here. And looking at that situation, I decided to talk to my lawyer about what kind of walkway could we put in here? Is there a communication tool or a system that she recommends for us to utilize that would help stop this or reduce this? And by golly, there was. So there was an app called Family wizard, and it's very inexpensive. And it's court ordered that my ex and I communicate only through the Family wizard app. And our lawyers and our judge presiding over our custody agreements and cases, they all have access to that app. Oh, my goodness. How freeing is that? To just know that if the other person does choose to communicate in a disrespectful or inappropriate manner, it can now be seen by parties outside of the two of us. That was a walkway, right? It was a tool and a system that was put into place that helped to provide a path in a situation that required some type of boundary walls weren't working. You know, you can say a thousand times to an unhealthy person, don't text me at 2am you can turn your phone off. But if you've lived any type of life like I have, you know that when the morning comes and you turn your phone back on, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, those messages come in. And I'm not just referring to my ex husband. I want to be fair. I'm referring to ex boyfriends and just people that I've interacted with over the years. There's a lot of unhealthy people out there, and I want to encourage you to take steps and create boundaries in your life that will help you to feel peace and joy when you wake up in the morning instead of reacting to the negativity in the world around you. All right, so let's take a look at what that third type of boundary, which was walls. And walls are set rules of interaction with consequences. So one of the most amazing things about that walkway of Family wizard, which is the email communication app that my ex husband and I have to use, is we know that if there was any type of disruptive language in there, it would come with a consequence in the court system. And so while that particular walkway boundary is not necessarily a consequence itself, it's attached to a wall. So we can walk that walkway as far as we want as long as we're respected by the boundary. But to the left and to the right is a massive wall that one of us is going to run smack into with consequences should we choose to interact with each other in a disrespectful manner. All right, so what we just learned was how to recognize three different types of boundaries. Windows, walkways, and walls. Next up, we're going to take a look at some vignettes. And in those vignettes, we're going to learn how to really judge where the windows, walkways, and walls are. So how vignettes work. You're going to see the name of the person for each of these vignettes. I believe we have two that we're going to walk through. Yep, we're going to walk through Sharon, and we're going to learn about Rebecca. On the next slide that you're going to see as a summary of a challenge that this person is facing, we're going to read through her story, allow ourselves some time to process the scenario, and then there's three steps that we're going to follow. We're going to review that story again. We're going to go through it slower, we're going to read it line by line, and we're going to recognize three things where boundaries need to be placed. Which type of boundary would be the most helpful? A window, a walkway, or a wall. And what each of these boundaries might look like. For instance, a specific boundary would be restricting calls before 8 in the morning. Step two, for each vignette, for every boundary that we develop, we're going to identify the people involved that would need to be educated on the boundary's Existence. And step three, for each vignette, we're going to actually set rules for how often each boundary should be reviewed and or revised. So step one is recognize, step two is educate, and step three is review and revise. Let's walk Sharon and Rebecca through their process of managing boundaries so that they can be healthier. Vignette number one is Sharon. Sharon's job has purpose and meaning, and so she feels pressured to really do it justice. She's living in a perpetual state of tasks and deadlines, and she regularly thinks to herself, if I can just get through this week, things will lighten up. Sharon regularly takes time for herself and then she feels guilty when she does. Her friends and her family, they don't make the effort to reach out to her and she responds in like kind. Her husband is tired of listening to her go through all her work issues, and Sharon has trouble sleeping. Her phone rings at all hours and she's messaging constantly. Sharon truly believes that the work she does is so important, she is justified in sacrificing much for the sake of the mission. Now, over the past few years, Sharon has put on some extra weight and she feels exhausted most of the time. Sharon feels like she's losing herself. She's wearing frumpy clothing that has a get the job done type of feel, and she's really resorted to minimal personal hygiene. So that's Sharon's story. We're going to go through it again with the viewpoint of recognizing where some boundaries might need to be in. So let's take a look at that window mindset. What are we starting to see? So the first paragraph, Sharon's job has purpose and meaning, so she feels pressured to do it justice. Does anyone feel in there like there might be a word that might trigger a need for a boundary? Pressured. That's right. She feels pressured. So the question that I would encourage Sharon to contemplate on is where is this pressure coming from? It states that her job has purpose and meaning. However, is there a boss? Is there somebody over her? Is it her clients? Where is the pressure coming from that she feels like she needs to be pushing and pushing and pushing something for her to reflect on. She is living in a perpetual state of tasks and deadlines and regularly thinks, if I can just get through this week, things will lighten up? Oh my goodness. If that isn't convicting, I don't know what it is in there. Are we recognizing where Sharon might need some boundaries for herself? She feels like she's living in a perpetual state of tasks and Deadlines. If I can just get through this week and then the next week, if I can just get through this week and then the next week, if I can just get through this week. Sounds to me like Sharon might have an over scheduling issue and it would do her a lot of good to maybe think about how she could put boundaries around her time. Okay, so that's where. That's one that we're going to come back to now. Where else can we recognize boundaries? Sharon takes time rarely for herself. Right there, that's a red flag. And then she feels guilty when she does. Okay, that's an even bigger red flag. Taking time for yourself and then feeling guilty when you do. There's a lot of talk about self love and self care. And I do want to point out here something that I've learned and I've seen about this. It's wonderful to have the perspective that taking a shower is not self care. Taking a shower is not self love. Taking a shower is a human need. Things like taking time for yourself might be going and getting a 90 minute massage. Right? Okay, that's a little bit above and beyond. And I think that that could be a self care type of thing. But the very basics of human needs, when you're talking about nutrition and cleanliness and physical safety, that has nothing to do, my friends, with self love and self care. That is about human survival. And I want to put a differentiation point right there. When we're thinking about Sharon's story, when we're talking about needs of human survival, let's put that on a higher priority than these catchphrases like self love and self care. Now, Sharon's story also says that her friends and her family aren't making the effort to reach out to her, but she's also not making the effort to reach out to them. Okay. Her husband's tired of listening to all her work issues. Oh, that's convicting. So maybe that's where we could put in a type of a walkway boundary, a communication tool or assistive of engagement that could help make a path between Sharon and her husband and how they talk. I received some great advice from a marriage counselor a few years ago. And the advice was, when you and your spouse are out on a date, don't talk about your children, ever. Children are a topic that is off limits. You could talk about anything but your children. And you know what? That is challenging. Oh my gosh. That was a walkway boundary. That really challenged me as a mother because I love my children and they're my husband's children. So I want to share all of these things about what they did and how they acted that morning. But a date of one on one time with my spouse should be about he and I in our relationship, not necessarily our children. So that's a great example of a walkway or communication style that Sharon could put in place. She could say to her husband or even just to herself personally, it's not fair for my husband to have to learn about all my work issues. I'm going to do a better job or I'm going to set a rule for myself not to bring them up to him or set a timer, right? If she really wants to dump onto her husband about a work issue, she can set a timer, one minute, two minutes in her head, lay it out. And then, girl, you gotta move on. It's not fair to your spouse who loves you more than work, to have to sit there and just be the receiver of that. Also in this vignette, Sharon has trouble sleeping. Her phone's ringing at all hours. She is constantly messaging. Obviously there are some walkways that we could put in there, right? We could set rules like no phone calls before 8am and the last thing that I want to go through here is the mentioned with Sharon's story about her putting on extra weight, feeling exhausted, wearing frumpy clothing, minimal person hygiene. If Sharon can start through the windows perspective and if she's making these observations of herself, then that means that she's in a really, really good place to start down a walkway and to say to herself, maybe she is wearing frumpy clothes because they just get the job done. We all know what Zoom meetings are like back to back, and it's super easy to just put on some comfy sweatpants day after day after day. But there is something that can be changed internally when you wear a beautiful piece of clothing and I know that you have it. Sharon, I want to encourage you, even if you're slightly uncomfortable in it, but it makes you smile and it brings you peace and joy, then I want to encourage you to wear that clothing. Now that's a boundary that I even put in place for myself in my custody issue today. Right? I had a court date and I could wear anything in my closet for a court date and it would be justified. But I chose my outfit very carefully to make sure that I felt like I was representing myself in the best way possible. And it made me feel so good in having to do something that is so awful. All right, so that was Sharon, I hope you were able to learn something about her. Our next vignette is about Rebecca. Let's take a quick read through Rebecca's story. Now, Rebecca is recovering from a difficult life situation and she feels like she's got some knowledge now and she's ready to help others in their recovery. Rebecca has a track record of dating men with shared life experience who are not yet on their path to recovery. Now, Rebecca has hope that everybody can recover. And currently she spends most of her time and her energy on Bob, her current boyfriend who has a drinking problem. Bob refuses to seek help and he is adamant that he knows how to correct the problem himself. Rebecca stays with him while he tries various solutions. He quits each solution when he doesn't see immediate results. Bob is yelling at her when he drinks and he's insisting that they move in together so that they can both save money. Now, Bob's situation is putting Rebecca in harm's way both emotionally and and physically. She's confident that when Bob gets into a program that has evidence based practices, then he'll be an adequate spouse. She's reached out to Bob's family and his friends and they're doing nothing. They're leaving her with no choice but to solve the problem. Rebecca appears to have it all together, but inside she's incredibly lonely. She feels trapped and she's starting to regress herself. Now let's walk Rebecca through the process of managing boundaries so that she can be healthier. Oh, I dare say I feel like Rebecca might be me in a former life. So in some ways, not all of it. Let's take a look at Rebecca. First of all, we're going to recognize where there might be a need for some boundaries and then we're going to educate on who is involved in these boundaries and then we're going to see if maybe we need to review or revise them. So recognizing, first of all, Rebecca is recovering from a difficult life situation. She feels like she's got some knowledge to help others in their recovery. That is a very, very important statement. I do a lot of work in what's called peer support. The clinical work realm understands peer support as someone who has shared lived experience with whatever that qualifier is. So you can be someone who has a shared experience of alcohol use and abuse or heroin or narcotics or domestic violence or a lot of the work we do is peer support for military women veterans. And so our qualifier is that you had to have served in the military as a woman to be a part of these federally funded programs. Now what this shows me is that Rebecca is recovering from A difficult life situation, which is amazing for her. But then it says she's got a track record of dating men with shared life experience who are not yet on their path to recovery. Now if you think back to our group guidelines, you'll remember that phrase that we're not here to fix others. Boy, that sounds like a phrase that Rebecca could take to heart a little bit deeper and even former Shelley if I backed up a decade plus ago. We're not here to fix others. Repeat that with me. We are not here to fix others. You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. If you've been following me for some time now, I hope that's another one of those phrases that you really take to heart. You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. Now, Rebecca says that she has hope that everyone can recover and I love that for you, Rebecca. And so she spends a lot of her time and a lot of her energy trying to encourage people to do this. Specifically Bob, her boyfriend who's currently drinking. He's refusing to seek help and he says he knows how to fix the problem himself. So that is a big one. I have walked a loved one through this process of, number one, recognizing that there is an addiction or a dependency on alcohol and number two, the different options for seeking help and trying to recover or heal from that dependency. It's a very, very difficult process if you're battling any type of addiction. I'm going to stick to my safe space here of alcohol because I know and I've lived with multiple people who have been battling alcohol use and abuse issues over the years. When a person is refusing to use their own agency to seek the help, it's not going to work. The person themselves, the person who is the qualifier, the person who has the issue has to be the one to seek help. Themselves, themselves as the loved one. We can absolutely and should encourage them, but we cannot be the one trying to fix someone else's problem. It's a very, very hard situation to be in. It's a heartbreaking situation to be in. From my ex husband to even my sister, watching them make poor choices like Bob, they think they know how to fix the problem. I've watched my sister self detox multiple times, literally blacking out and smashing her head on the ground because it's not being done in a safe environment, but she's trying to do it herself. It's heartbreaking to try to watch others go through the process of trying to cleanse themselves and it's also a very long process. In Rebecca's vignette here, she says that Bob quits each proven solution when he doesn't see immediate results. Detox doesn't happen in a day. Changed behavior doesn't happen in a day. It doesn't take a day to go from clean to addict, and the situation doesn't reverse in that same speed. It takes years sometimes to get into the situation, and it takes years, if not double that, to even come out of it. So be very conscious and aware of this, my friends, as we are working with and dealing with and moving alongside and loving others that have these very real situations of addiction and turmoil within them. They're not going to change overnight. Not one solution is going to finally fix them. You're in it for the long run. Now, in Rebecca's case, it says that Bob is yelling at her when he drinks and insisting that they move in together to save money. I lived that situation. I know what it's like to have somebody trying to bark orders at you, insisting that you give more of yourself, which will put you in a situation of harm both emotionally and physically. That, to me, right there screams, where's the wall? If a person is embarking in behaviors that will potentially harm both emotionally and physically, then windows and walkways are not going to cut it. I want to encourage you to go straight to the wall. If someone is harming you physically, there needs to be a wall, and a wall has a consequence. If someone is harming you emotionally, you're not wrong. There's a need for a wall, and a wall has a consequence. Now, in Rebecca's situation, she still has hope. She's reached out to the friends and the family, and she's trying to, you know, rally for Bob's sake. But you know what? It's not being reciprocated. Bob's friends and family aren't helping her, and so she is taking the perspective that she has no choice but to solve the problem. For Bob and my friends. I hope that you can see through your eyes of the window that that's a perspective. Rebecca thinks that she has no choice but to solve the problem. That's Rebecca's choice because she is in it, and she's in it deep, and Rebecca's not wrong. If she chooses to stay in it, then that is a problem that needs to have some type of solution. But Rebecca does not need to stay in it. This is where walls can be your best friends. I just mentioned my older sister. She's only two years older than me. But I have made the choice to have some very big walls up around my relationship with my sister because I feel like it's very important that while she knows that she's loved and cared for, I also have to protect the children that I'm raising and I also have to protect the marriage that I entered into. Setting rules and boundaries with consequences is not an easy thing to do, but what it does is it allows you to expand your scope. Rebecca does not need to be all in on Bob. Rebecca does have the opportunity to set up some walls and allow herself the freedom to care for and be around other human beings that can perhaps help solve this problem. All right, so the final thing that I want to touch on Rebecca's vignette here is this last statement that Rebecca appears to have it all together, but inside she's incredibly lonely. She feels trapped and she's starting to regress herself. That statement, inside, she is incredibly lonely. I know what that feels like. That's a very, very tough emotion. To be physically near another human being and to still feel lonely, that's the worst kind of loneliness. I love that she is executing step one of recognize and she can at least tell herself, I'm feeling very lonely right now in my relationship. I'm feeling very lonely in my relationship with my parent or with my sister or with my spouse, I feel lonely. That's a valid feeling. And if you feel that way, my ambitious friend, I just want you to own that and I want you to recognize that those feelings of loneliness are a clue that there might need to be some boundaries put in between you and whoever these other people are that are involved in that loneliness. All right, so let's move on from Rebecca's story and we're going to journal a little bit. Now, if you're in a group setting, this is a 10 minute journaling time and you're going to work yourself through that three step process. You're going to recognize, educate, and then review and revise some boundaries. So here is your self reflection prompt that I want you to use. I want you to complete this sentence. If I had less blank in my life, I would be happier. If I had less blank in my life, I would be happier. Now that statement, I'm going to read it again for you. I have asked this statement in a professional networking session just to encourage us as business owners to kind of get out there and go after it a little bit harder. This question, if I had less blank in my life, I would be happier. And it was anonymous and everybody wrote it down on a piece of paper and turned it in. And then I read them out loud so everybody could see what everybody else had put down. Ladies and gentlemen, it was shocking the answers that came back from this networking group. If I had less loneliness in my life, I would be happier. If I had less debt in my life, I would be happier. If I had less fear in my life, I would be happier. If I can encourage you through today's episode, my ambitious friend, I want to encourage you just to complete this sentence. If I had less blank in my life, I would be happier. Write that down, fill that out, Journal on that, and just let your mind keep going. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and whatever comes out, comes out. You can always burn it and throw it in the trash later. But think about that. Really, really genuinely think about that. If you had less what in your life, you would be happier. Some final questions for us to think about in our journaling time. Which parts of Sharon and Rebecca's stories strike a chord for you? For me, it was Sharon when she was starting to wear frumpy clothing and just. The mission was first, forget my clothing. Forget what I look like. The mission is first. You know how you get around that? A uniform. It's a beautiful walkway boundary. Put that uniform on, girl, you'll be good. Something that struck me with Rebecca's vignette. I know I've beaten it over the head here, but it's that part about feeling incredibly lonely and how about no choice but to solve the problem? That's very, very convicting for me. All right. Are you recognizing that a change is needed and who's involved in this? Who's involved in the issue that needs the boundary in place, and who's involved in a potential solution? One situation that I needed was that I genuinely wanted a husband. After my divorce, I was raising a little boy by myself, and I wanted a husband. I wanted a life partner. And so who was involved in that growth process? It was a faceless, nameless entity called husband. And I didn't care a whole lot about what was there, except it had to be somebody that upheld a viewpoint of biblical marriage. And we're not going to get into all that today. But that's a great example for me of a walkway, a path that I set, of a boundary of who's going to be involved in this next section of my life. Think about your boundaries that you're thinking about putting in place. Is it a window, a walkway, or a wall? Walkways are so powerful, you might think that they don't do a whole lot because there's not consequences. But what it does is it teaches us paths to follow. It gives us that safe space so that we know that we can still look around and enjoy each other's company, but we don't always have to be triggering each other. All right, and then if you did find that there are walls in place or that you need walls in your life, what is the consequence? Time after time, I've had so many discussions with so many incredible people where they're putting these great boundaries in place, but there's no consequence. And I saw that in my former marriage a lot. Right. Things were off limits. No, I don't want an open marriage. Right. But if one person chooses the open marriage lifestyle, what's the consequence? It's hard. Consequences are extremely difficult. But it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be there. Don't skip that step. All right, so that right there is the end of our boundary lesson. It's pretty deep today. I know I told you it was going to be a deviation from the norm. I hope that you didn't find today too difficult to get through. But this is the type of depth that we cover at mission ambition and this is the type of self awareness that I need you to be able to have in order for you to be the best leader that I know that you're capable of being. So your next step is to connect with other ambitious people in our online community. Join.OtherSoverself.com and you will find very welcoming, very open people who are working on their own boundaries, who are assessing the boundaries of others, and who overall just want to make a better impact on the world. So with that, my friends, I am going to give a quick summary and we will end today's lesson on boundaries. We learned about windows, walkways and walls. Those are the three types of boundaries. We learned that we need boundaries as ways to mitigate risk in our own lives so that we can have more joy and exercise more agency over how we're really and truly designed to live out on this earth. We learned the three step process of boundaries. We manage boundaries by first, recognizing, second, educating others, and finally reviewing and revising the boundaries around us. And one more time, those three types of boundaries, windows, walkways, and walls. Windows are your starting place. Walkways are the tools and the systems of engagement to provide a path. And walls. I love my walls. Walls are sets of interaction that always come with consequences. Well, that's all for today. I'm host Shelly Rude. Thank you so much for listening to this session on boundaries, I want to encourage you to take it as an online course@join.others overself.com I want to encourage you to grab four or five of your besties and do a work group on a Sunday afternoon. Go ahead, take this content. Give it legs. Bring it to the people that you love. Love. Because you could be bringing something to yourself and to others that could result in a much, much happier and better place for us all to live. With that. I'm here every Tuesday. Next Tuesday I have a ringer of a guest coming in. Her name is Vicki Selva and she is the Executive Director of the Detroit Regional Defense Coalition. This is an incredible opportunity for us to have candid conversation with a powerful woman in a high level leadership position where she is influencing people left and right and she doesn't even know it. I hope you'll join me next Tuesday for that conversation with Vicki Selva. And until then, I encourage you to stay hardcore, even with your boundaries. Be at ease knowing that your boundaries are in place and then you'll finally be able to trust the process you're listening to Hardcore and at ease. Keep the conversation going at join othersoverself. Com.