Prioritising Peace With Janeen Jones

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Thriving Adoptees Podcast. Today I'm delighted to be joined by Janine, Janine Jones. Uh, I'm really looking forward to this conversation, ladies and gentlemen. This, this lady just exudes so much great energy, and, um, it's going to be a great conversation, I'm sure.

Thank you, thank you, Simon.

Yeah, so Janine is a fellow adoptee. Um, so Janine, the big question, right? The one that we'd like to start with— thriving. What does thriving mean to you?

Thriving means to me empowerment. It means not only inspiring yourself but being an inspiration towards others. And not only that, It gives you an opportunity to take advantage of your own healing, become responsible for your own healing. That to me is the foundation of thriving.

Yeah. Do, do those things come in that order? Empowerment, inspiring self, others, healing, which, well, you tell me which, Do you see an order there? Is your experience that there was an order?

Yes. I'm going to say the more that I owned, if I— if you will, the more that I owned that I recognized that as an adoptee that my voice should not be silenced, it should not be a secret, it should not be a mystery, and I decided to just step out on faith to go through my journey, I recognized that in order to do that, I need to feel inspired. I need to be empowered. And in order to have the right type of support around me, I needed to exude that so that I can receive it back, because you never know What the unknown is while you're going through that journey of exploration and what you may find, and even if there's challenges in reconnection, such as my story. But with all that, yes. And then because as you learn information, you have to— I had to decide on how I was going to receive this information. And then I realized that I had control over how I was going to respond to it. And in that is where I find I have to be accountable to my own healing. But I needed the inspiration. I needed the empowerment in order to receive the unknown and then learn how to step proudly regardless of the information that I was going to receive. And, and own the responsibility of healing. Yes.

So what, whatever the information— is that what you're talking about? Is it— sorry, what I mean is, irrespective of the information that you found, you, you were set on going forward.

Yes.

You weren't gonna let the information. You, you weren't going to let whatever you found knock you off course. Is that kind of what you're saying?

Absolutely. Yes, yes. Because you can definitely withdraw and, and go into a mode of depression, a mode of wonder. But I didn't do that. I pressed on to, number one, understand that regardless of the circumstances It— what they weren't about me per se. And these are things that I recognized that I did not control it, but I had control over how I chose to respond to these things. Yes.

Um, so yeah, um, what do people say? Um, something like, we can't control what happens, but we can control how we respond to what happens. Is that—

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yes.

And where, where did you draw that? Where, where did you draw that strength from? What, what, what was it that drove you on? What, what, where was the source of the empowerment?

Right. So I set in my mind that I am taking a journey of an unknown because I believe that I have the right to know my beginnings. Where did I come from and how did I get here and the why? And I felt I was owed that. Yeah. Because I got tired of the wander. But I didn't get there until I had enough emotional maturity and spiritual maturity at that. And I believe that's why it took me so long at the age of 46 just to even start that journey. However, when I learned that I had biological sisters from my biological father, But, um, but for me, I learned that he passed away. And so I didn't want to feel that this was it, that this was the end road, because I did get an electronic obituary and saw that there's several names here that I can start researching. And in that moment, even though I didn't know my biological father, I, I literally mourned. This man. I mourned him unknowingly because now I feel like, okay, I'm not going to hear his story. But then so have it. I pressed on. I just again said, okay, I'm in this place. I have a right to know. I have support around me that understands that I am staying positive irregardless of what I find out. And I'm so glad I stayed the course because when I did unite with my sisters, my father told them about me. They tried to find me. So not only was this my journey, it was a journey of theirs as well. And I recognized that, wow, I was loved, I was sought after, and I wasn't forgotten. And had I not pressed on, had I not felt empowered, had I not felt inspired, I would have given up and never would have met my sisters, who we have such a wonderful connection and relationship now.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have— I wouldn't— I would not have realized that. And, and here's— and, and, and here's the thing too. I was under the assumption that, again, assuming that my birth mother did this all alone, like maybe my father left her. These are things that I made up literally in my mind, I think, as a coping mechanism. But I'm so glad that I didn't do that and that I sought after truth. And honestly, truth really does set you free. And with my story, my truths of what I found out about my journey have most definitely set me free and gave me a newfound confidence that I never even knew I had.

Yeah. You talked about emotional maturity and spiritual maturity.

Yes.

And I'm— but you also, you used the word inspired. earlier on, right? So, so it— I think that inspired, it means in spirit. Um, yes. So, um, or, and there's another word, um, enthusiasm comes from the Greek for entheos, which is something like the god within. Yes, in Greek. And I think spirit inspired, I think that's Latin, similar kind of thing, right?

Yes, absolutely. Mm-hmm. You— wow.

Yeah, I was just on land.

Yeah, I was gonna say, um, so that makes complete sense. Because in this journey as an adoptee, for me, I felt so alone because nobody around me that knew about it wanted to talk about it. They didn't know how to talk about it. And then without knowing anything, if there wasn't any real answers anyone could give, so I sat a lot in solitude by myself. Mm-hmm. But I had to lean on something, and again, there instills that spirit. There instills you know I gotta I gotta feel that there's I know that there's something bigger and stronger than me. So I relied then on understanding my faith, knowing what it means to. Move forward without knowing what you're going to without knowing. You just have to believe that there's a light coming at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes when you're going towards that light within that light, you're going to see some darkness along the way. But the but I had to understand that the ultimate goal for me. Was to finally find me, was to finally know my story. And I wasn't going to stop until I found where I was fulfilled. It's not necessarily, for me, a completeness, but it's more of a fulfillment for me.

Mm-hmm.

In understanding the journey.

Yeah.

We used—

we know, knowing me and, and knowing my story, how, how do you separate those? How— well, yeah, how do you see the separation between who we are and our story? Or, well, let me take it back a step even. I'm not being very good today, am I? Um, do, do you see a distinction between who you are and your story?

Well, absolutely. So I think there was a yearning in wanting to know. And that yearning in wanting to know is, okay, why do I even have that yearning? Why am I— why is there a wonder? It was a need. It was a necessity. In order for me to, to really truly learn myself. And because here's the thing, there are certain traits that you happen to take on just by those around you, but then I truly, truly believe within that there are traits that you inherit based on Your biology, your DNA. And other— outside of the medical history that I learned about my family, I also note that both— like, I'm a public servant. I work for a very powerful elected official where I live. But I'm— but I was— I know that in my heart of hearts that I am here to serve people.

Mm-hmm.

And when I met both sides of my family, my maternal side and my paternal side, there were so many people that actually do the type of work that I do, starting with my maternal grandmother. And I was like, oh my gosh, there's so much of me here that I realized, yes.

Mm-hmm.

This was, this was necessary because how is it that I don't know you, but yet I'm, I'm so much so a part of you that even our life's paths are virtually the same?

Wow. Did you see me jump then?

Yes.

Okay. Yeah, the, the door just slammed. We've— we left the— there's an external door out, uh, open, and then the door into the kitchen.

Yes, yes.

scared the bejesus out of me. Right, so, um, so you, you're seeing some kind of, uh, you're seeing the, the origins of your public service in, in your, in your both sides of your biological family.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. But presumably not so much within your adoptive parents. They weren't into that.

No, my father was in the military. My adoptive mother was in banking.

Right.

So, um, I did it my— and my adoptive brother went into the military. I refused to go that route, refused to go that route. I was like the more rebellious one, taking, taking leaps, taking chances that they wouldn't have. Yeah, totally different path.

Yeah. So, um, the— you, you started off with empowerment, the, the inside, the inside journey, um, or the inside power fueling, fueling that journey to understanding your story and understanding yourself, uh, and then sharing, using what you've learned to inspire others, using your story to empower others, that sort of thing. Yeah.

Yes, yes, yeah, absolutely.

You, you also talked about withdrawing, right? So we're on this journey and sometimes we withdraw or we stop the journey somehow, or something happens, we pause the journey. Talk to— were there times that you halted on the journey to regroup when stuff knocked you sideways? What?

Yes. So when I encountered— when I had the first conversation or so with my maternal aunt, I automatically thought once I realized that she was my birth mother's sister, that the next phone call was going to be that she was going to call my birth mother and we were going to be one, you know, happy uniting party going on. That was absolutely not the case. Um, it took my biological mother, um, let's see, January 2nd Of 2023. So until March 18th, which is the day that we actually met, so almost 3, 3 months before my birth mother would budge, and I had to force her to budge. So during that time, my aunt would stall me because I would be like, okay, so what is my birth mother saying? Like, what is— like, have you talked to her? Is she ready? I'm willing to pace this, but I was getting so nervous that I thought that at some point she wasn't going to respond at all and that my aunt was just going to phase and fade out and just not help me in this. And so I said, no, I'm not going to allow a third party to tell me or guide this I said no. I did enough research to find out where my birth mother lived, and I sent her a letter for her to sign off on because I was going to force her into telling me whether yes, she wanted to meet me, or no, she wasn't. And I didn't give up because now that I know you exist, I need to hear directly from you where you are when it comes to me. I wasn't going to allow it to just sit. I didn't come this far to just wait almost 40-something, more than 40-something years to turn away from it. But yes, during those moments, I did go and it was a little— it was a darkness, but I had to start looking at the glass half full. I found her. I may not have found her, found her, but I found her. She exists. She's alive. She is within my reach. So I had to start looking at the glass as half full, even in that darkness. I had to. And that's what kept me going and forced me to send her a direct letter. Yeah.

So you sidestepped the blocker?

I did. Yes, I did. I sidestepped the blocker.

You're absolutely right. Was the blocker rather cheesed off about that, or did you ever find out what happened?

Yes, she was very nervous. She said, wait, why didn't you tell me that this is what you were going to do? And I said, because you had ample opportunity to do this yourself.

Sorry, yeah.

Yeah. So I, um, and again, I had to realize—

She must have been scared, I guess, somehow.

Oh, she was very scared. She could not believe it. Um, she could— so what ended up happening was my birth mother reached out to her sisters and said, I've, I've had a conversation with my biological daughter and I'm going to see her on this date. And she, my aunt, lost it. She was like, oh, please, please, please, why didn't you tell me that you were going to go do this? And I didn't respond. I didn't respond because I felt like, number one, I don't know really the dynamic between you and my birth mother. Maybe there was a reason why she didn't want you to be—

Anyway, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

You cracked on. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so what, what happened next, Janine?

So, um, I— my birth mother responded. She responded to me. She texted me letting me know that she received my letter and my picture because I sent her a picture. And she told me to give her a moment to take it all in, but that it wouldn't be long. And I kid you not, she called me within the next couple of days, literally about 2 days later. And then we talked. Of course, a very nervous conversation. This is someone that I'm like, wow, I'm talking to the woman that had me in her womb for 9 months, you know? And it's 46 years later. And I was nervous. She was a little nervous. We were both giggling and laughing. It was the cutest, most innocent thing ever. And then we set the date to meet. And what a day that was.

Yeah.

It was— there was such a warm embrace in that moment. And, um, it was like, uh, it was like a freedom and like a— and I felt even with my birth mother like a relief that, you know, I did something unknowing that I would ever see her again. And, um, and here it is, here I am wanting you, yearning you, meaning my birth mother, in a way to get an understanding of where we are, but I wanted to make sure that I extended grace because I did not want her to experience thinking that I had any, you know, ill feelings towards her in that moment. Yes. Yeah.

But then it went south.

Yes, did it go south. Um, I felt that she didn't know where to fit in my life, for example. Here it is, I'm thriving, right? I am in my own home. I'm in a great career. I'm happy. I'm, you know, my adoptive parents are still in my life. She met my adoptive parents and they were, they, you know, they were nice. They were open. They received her well. And I just don't know that she knew where she could fit in. And I think that it resurfaced for her, um, guilt of saying, wow, like, could I have done this? Could I have— you know, she really couldn't pat herself on the back for my accomplishments.

Yeah.

So I guess she was wondering, well, okay, now that I found her, what, what do I do with this? How do I answer why I did this? So I and those things I had to try not to internalize. But then guess what? We she we she wanted me to come visit her and her immediate family around the holidays in 2023, and and she set these demands. Don't buy any gifts. Don't do this. Don't say this. Like, like I felt now, now I felt like a stranger to, to the one that birthed me and to the one that I was trying to form a bond with. And so I felt so uncomfortable. I told her, no, I don't think I should come this time. And the conversation went left. And then we didn't talk. And in that moment, I felt— An abandonment that I didn't even ask for. You know, like, this can't be. Like, I'm like, wow, this can't be it. But then I, I paced myself. I got back into that place where I said, okay, this is a part of the journey that while it was not an expectation, I still needed to know. And I still— I needed to step back. Mm-hmm. I needed to regroup. I needed to be thankful for what I did receive in the journey, and that was the most loving sisters I could have ever had in my life. Never knew what life would be like with sisters, and I stayed stuck in a place of knowing that there was love. Maybe in the moment she didn't know how, in this moment where she is in her life, And then I had to realize that whatever she was going through, was struggling with, had absolutely nothing to do with me. Because I even second-guessed a little bit. I go, okay, did I extend enough grace? Did I, did I allow myself to pace myself? Was I rushing into things with growing a relationship with her? I was trying to just Not try to be strategic in any way, but go with the flow. Just go with the flow. And and unfortunately, we hit a block. But months later, so we we she sent me a text, texting me a simple happy birthday on my birthday. You know Mother's Day, I sent her a text. So we were doing that for the next. Almost 3 years.

But nothing more?

Well, she finally called me on— in May of this year. We had a quick phone call. I was very receptive. Um, we didn't get into the why the last conversation happened the way that it did, and I was okay with that for the moment. But I said, let me just Again, extend grace, but don't get— don't, don't overdo it. Don't get too excited. Just wait on her, but don't internalize it. Don't internalize it if she decides to never call you again or never reach out again. So like, now I'm learning how to adjust with whatever I receive from her. I just don't internalize it in a negative way. Yeah, moving forward.

Yeah. So what, what you talked about, emotional maturity and spiritual maturity. So let's go with the emotional maturity one first. Um, what, what does that, what does that mean to you? What does emotional maturity mean to you?

So for me, it's not allowing my emotions to take over the way I actually act out. In the past, I allowed my emotions to drive my reactions. I've learned now to— okay, this is how I feel. I've learned to— before I, I stop, I stop in the moment and I think about what I'm feeling, and I say in my mind, you've come to a place in your life where peace is your priority. How are you going to align this circumstance with your priority, which is peace? And with that, I sit back, I, I get— I, I assess my thoughts, and I respond in love. I respond in a calm manner. And, or if I'm not ready to do that, I wait until I, till I can. Because again, my ultimate priority in my life is peace. So, um, I've— that's where I find that I've emotionally matured, because I know how to and where to and when to assess the situation before I make an outburst that could be more destructive in my life.

So I, I think I heard this a while ago, um, from somebody else, a long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, maybe, uh, kind of responding rather than reacting. So it's about Intentionality. Yes, it's about space. And, and the, the intention is, is prioritizing peace, and it's a space between what somebody else does and how you respond to that.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Do you always have time to do that?

Um, I will tell you, practice makes perfect. So the more you allow yourself to do it, absolutely. So my first response is to not respond until I am absolutely ready. I'd rather have a delay than to overreact and you can't fix it, because I do believe in circumstances where It can't be fixed because sometimes you can go so far that you just have to leave all well enough alone. So I'd rather do the alone in the moment to really gather myself so that I can respond in the best way possible for the circumstance, for the situation itself. Because when you don't, you can really— it'll take you to a place that I mean, you don't want to be in. It's unhealthy. It's stressful. It will lead to depression. Um, it will cause you to fall back and withdraw and be in straight isolation.

Yeah.

And I, I know what the reacting just off of emotion Looks like. I've been there, and it's— and it was never a win situation for me at the end. And after I thought about it, I'm like, wow, I could have done this. I should have, could have, would have. But why don't I do the should have, could have, would have first so that it won't be an aftereffect?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And have you had support along the way, like coaches and therapists and stuff like this, Janine, or friends, or what it was?

I did not have a therapist. I did not have a coach. I will tell you that I have such a small circle, but in that circle, they held me responsible and accountable. I didn't have anybody in my arena that was always allowing me to wear my emotions on my sleeve in a way that I didn't draw that type of attention. When I did get the attention, it's, hey, you're a strong woman. You got this. I understand where you're coming from, but then maybe I don't because most of my friends weren't adopted or they didn't— they're mothers, so they understood the love of a mother, but they just made sure that I held myself accountable To staying positive, to knowing who I am and and that I'm meaning that I mean something, and that you're that I was not alone. And that was one of the most important things. And they were consistent in my life. I had consistent prayers, you know, when I didn't even ask for it. Um, and No matter what, I, I aligned myself with people that had my best interest at heart, even if it meant them telling me some of the hardest things that I may not have wanted to hear. I knew that it was for my best. I knew that it was best for me. So yes, that type of support—

It's from your friends rather than—

Friends.

Yes. And, and, um, and what, what were the— you said there were tough things, that they're giving you tough, tough truths. Can you give us an insight into what they were?

Yes, absolutely. So, um, one tough truth for me was your, your birth mother may not really truly be ready to meet you. This is when I was going through that, that time of, you know, um, of wonder. Like, lady, you know I exist now. Like, you know, say something to me. And they were like, she just may not be ready, but her not being ready may be what's in your best interest. Maybe right now, whatever this is, maybe you're not ready to quite receive it. So build yourself up. Learn how to be positive in this. Learn that maybe your timing is not the right timing. So I had to sit back and say, you're absolutely right. I took this path not of the unknown. You know, I'm gonna— I'm trying to see the unseen. Right now I do. I'm like, okay, let me pace myself then, because what if, what if she's not ready? And what if she says no? I have to prepare myself in a way that I can receive it and receive it with an understanding that it's for my own good, regardless of what the circumstances may be. It's, it's a, it's a mind over matter type of a situation. And that's the type of support that I had around me. Because no matter what the outcome was going to be, they were going to be there, but they were very realistic and authentic in their responses to me. So absolutely.

Powerful.

Thank you.

Powerful. Yeah. And, and the spiritual maturity, what, what was that about?

That's a deep question. Wow. Um, so the spiritual maturity is when my— so let me take you to a, a deep place. So remember I told you that I, I encountered, or I, I, I had a conversation with my maternal aunt January 2nd of 2023, my birthday? Um, was March 2nd of 2023. March 2nd, that was my— actually my, uh, 46th birthday. And my aunt, what I tried to tell her is, okay, so how about I try to repurpose my birthday and let my birth mother— um, let's try to arrange me to meet her on that day. And she was like, oh, what a great idea, I think that's amazing. Well, my birthday came and my aunt sent me an email that she heard nothing from my birth mother. That was the worst birthday ever. And then I decided— I, I broke down, I cried. I was like, God, where are you? Like, how could this happen on my birthday? You mean to tell me I'm seeking my birth mother and she doesn't want To unite with me, even on this day. This would be the day that she gave birth to me 46 years ago. I I just I just couldn't I couldn't I couldn't get it. But then I said, God, give me the strength. Give me the give me what I need, please. And I just said no. I'm gonna take another step. And that's when I wrote the letter. Printed out a picture, went to Federal Express, and mailed the most expensive letter I ever mailed to my birth mother, and made her sign. Made it, made it. You know, the letter had to be signed off on because I wanted to make certain that you were going to get it. And right then, I didn't give up on faith. I, even though it crushed me, I still knew that there has to be a higher power than just this. And let me stay connected knowing that I didn't just get this far just by getting this far. So with that understanding, I still took that leap. Even on the most broken day I think I felt in this journey was the day that my birth mother decided not to take the opportunity on my birthday To meet me, and that even through that crushing, I realized that I need to sit back. Let me pray. Let me do what I feel is next. Let me step out and take a leap of faith and send that letter on my own. Let me send her this on my own, and that I will say instead of just giving up, instead of just. Doubting God, instead of just, um, you know, falling into this, or staying, if you will, because I fell, but to stay in that space of feeling unwanted, feeling rejected, I decided, no, there's another way, and I'm gonna keep the pace, keep the pace regardless. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's pretty deep. That's pretty powerful.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, because in talking about this just brings me back to that moment. It brings me back to that day. And I have absolutely no regrets. In spite of the pits that I fell in, I found My way out. I found my way out regardless of those pits. So I'm I'm just ooh it was it was a journey and it's still a journey. You know, it's still it's still a journey. But I I I feel I feel again like empowered. So when I meet when I meet and speak with fellow adoptees. I hear the similarities in our trials, but then I can come back behind and say, hey, there's still a victory to be won. No matter what you go through, we've got to look at the victories within all of it. And when I hear those voices and I hear that tone change when I'm speaking to some people, It just excites me more. And I dig deeper into those similarities of what we have, and especially the misconception about the adoptee. I just, you know, stay pushing. And I, and every time, and, you know, with those, with, like I said, with falling in those pits and remembering how I made it through, it keeps me empowered and inspired on this journey.

Yeah. What do you mean by the misconceptions, Janine?

Wow, because some people, and it's so interesting, I have been in meetings and I've like, with like social, like dealing with social issues, and I'll hear people say, oh my gosh, I could never adopt because those kids come with issues, they have problems, there's something going on, you know, with them. and their makeup is so different than having your own child. And I'm like, no, it's not true, um, because you don't know when you have a child what your child is going to become. And that's anybody that's human. We're still human. While our paths of how we were placed in love, not love, or what have you, we're still human beings and we still Belong. We are someone, and we yes. Are there certain challenges that may be a little different from the average? Maybe, but challenges are still challenges no matter who you are, where you come from. And I've had to speak up and say, "Hey, I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm an adoptee." And especially when people in the room know me and know my work and what I do. just in my profession, some people get shocked. And I'm like, yes, I was adopted at birth. And if you know me, you know I'm quite fine. And so then I'll get the, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm like, no, you just got to explore and let's sit down and have some real conversations about why you feel that way. Because I think that so long, most adoptees that I've learned keep— it was such a 'Cause I was adopted in the '70s, you know, late '70s. So for the most part, they were closed adoptions. They were secret, you know, the name being changed and all those things. We're put in a place, I think, by the system to stay quiet and not really be that voice, right? And with that, we're not able to combat people feeling or thinking this misconception that we are a problem, if you will, a walking problem or something.

Yeah. Powerful stuff. Powerful stuff. Where can people connect with you, Janine?

Wow. So, um, because of my journey, I have launched, recently launched an organization called I Found Me Inc. You can go to my website at ifoundmeinc.org. and connect with me. Um, read up on my story. It's a safe place for adoptees who are seeking reconnection and anybody in the system, whether you are a birth mother, whether you are someone who is thinking about adopting. There's different, uh, resources that I can connect you with and even talk to me. Um, yes. Brilliant. Check out my website, ifoundmeinc.miami.

The link will be in the show notes, listeners. So, um, that's cool. Anything else you want to share, Janine? Something that I've not asked you about?

Um, we just need to remain a close-knit community so that we can remain and stay consistent with being an inspiration and empowering those who may be going through some sort of struggle in this journey. I just want people to understand that people like you, Simon, people like myself, and I'm sure you've encountered so many others that are here and we're welcoming and we need to help uplift, um, our community of adoptees. And let's stay connected and share. Let's share the information. So that we can again, um, be that, you know, help people be victorious on their journeys. Yes.

Fantastic. Thank you.

No, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you to listeners. We'll speak to you again very soon. Take care.

Bye-bye.