Dr. Amelia Case: Silencing the Inner Critics of Self-Criticism, Self-Doubt and Self-Denial

I do really believe 100% from every part of me that everyone has the capacity to be able to do the things that they want and not to be held back by the mental baggage that's in our head that we want to push through.

Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. In each episode, we get down and personal with people who go after the things they want to make all their wildest dreams come true. Join us as we unveil and dissect a formula for what it takes to do the thing. Here is your host, Stacy Lauren.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. This is your host, Stacy Lauren. So, all right, guys, you've been hearing about this quiz now for probably about a month. It started when I was trying to figure out the name of what I wanted to call a quiz for helping you do the thing. Because for me, quizzes and assessments have always been a big way for me to understand myself better. I've done a lot of quizzes actually. I've done one with actually our guest. She has a beast brain quiz, which she'll probably talk about at the end. And also I've done one on attachment styles, on love languages, even the erotic blueprints. So I've gone all crazy with all kinds of quizzes. And so I was like, wow, it'd be really cool to create basically a quiz, assessment, whatever you'd like to call it, to help people uncover what stops them from doing the thing. And so we've had several experts on sort of discussing these different Personas that can come up when you are getting stuck. And so we have talked about the perfectionist, we have talked about comparison, we talked about the people pleaser. And we are now on to self doubt. So that's what we're going to talk about. I brought an expert in that you guys have met before. Her name is Dr. Amelia Case and she's worked with me directly on and off for the last few years and helped me get through a lot of different things. And she's an expert in the brain. I'm excited to have her talk about the different ways that you can get unstuck when you're coming through that feeling of uncertainty or not doubting yourself in the. In the right or doubting yourself when you're doing something new. So I'm so excited to bring on Dr. Amelia Case. Hi, Amelia. Hi, how are you?

I'm great, thank you. I'm glad to be here. Thanks for inviting me.

Yeah, I'm so glad you're here. So I'd love to talk to you about self doubt, because that is something that I know gets in a lot of people's way when it comes to doing the thing. And I'd love to just kind of hear your thoughts on when you see it getting in people's way.

I like to group self doubt in a group, a little threesome, self criticism, self doubt, and self denial. And self doubt is kind of in the middle, holding up the other two. So if you can get rid of self doubt, you can get rid of self criticism and self denial. So it's a great thing to have a strategy to reduce or get rid of. One of the things that I've observed for a long time about self doubt is that it's categorically something so big. And it's only big because it's related to something big. And what I mean by that is anything that you do well that seems familiar is something that you feel confident about and not particularly self doubtful about, but anything that is kind of unsolved or anything that's a goal or anything that's got some level of import to it that you don't feel comfortable with or like you've mastered enough is the place where self doubt really steps in front of your path and just. It's almost like it puts up its big palm in front of you and says stop. So it feels terrible because it's always related to something that's kind of big that you want to either be or do or have. And that's why it hurts so much. And that's why it invites in so much self criticism and self denial.

You adding those other two things in because one thing does lead to another. Right. And then it can become a spiral, a momentum basically of just. I don't know, what is it? Pos. A negative thinking.

Yeah. I call it a downward spiral. It actually goes into. Into. It puts people into a downward spiral where they. They actually think. One of the dangerous parts of a downward spiral is that feeling stuck not knowing a way to move. And then there's just. It's a hop, skip, and a jump from feeling stuck to just surrendering to it and just then identifying with the self doubt instead of seeing it as a temporary character trait, a temporary human experience. So the feeling stuck is a dangerous feeling, but it's also a good place to be because you can get unstuck. Once somebody gets to the point of surrendering to it, I think that's when it's a little trickier to get out of.

Yeah. It's interesting as you're talking about this. It's making me think of what I just went through with me starting the Start a podcast challenge, which I did end up delaying a little bit because I could see people were getting really stuck in their head and they weren't coming from their heart. And so there was a few people that told me that they felt they were like an imposter, basically by doing it. Like they weren't ready yet because they just didn't feel their voice was worthy of being. Of being heard or that they weren't good enough at speaking. And in my mind, I was. I don't even. I don't even understand that because I hear them talking. They're so magnetic with the way that they're able to speak, and people are able to move when they're talking. And so where does that come from? It's. They're almost limiting themselves. And actually, this makes me even think about people that I've. We've talked about this before when I had my company, and I would see people way more charismatic and way more magnetic. Oh, I can't do sales, even though I want to make more money. That wasn't something they could do because they just didn't think they could do it or have the skills for it. So is this going to be all under that same bubble?

Yeah, it is. And the. The thing is, imagine what it is that a person wants to, let's say, do, because it could be something someone wants to be or something someone wants to be, or something someone wants to do or something someone wants to have. Okay. But let's say it's something someone wants to do. So let's say sales, you say, well, someone can do sales. Well, all the attached aspects of sales mean sales to one person, and different attached aspects of sales mean sales to a different person. So for you, maybe if I said break down sales into 10 things, you would describe it in your 10 things, and then that really charismatic, magnetic person. If I said break sales down into 10 things, that person might break into 10 other things, like qualities that are required or actions that are required, and it would be 1, 2, 3, 4, a couple, not really many. Whenever I've dissected this with my clients before, it's not that many things that are impossible to overcome. It's just that there are a few things in their list of whatever is required to do a thing. It's a few things that are either unfamiliar, they've had a difficult experience with in the past, or they don't feel any mastery over, and it's those things that stand up and invalidate the whole idea. It just invalidates the whole idea. So one of the people that I worked with for the longest time, she was really powerful, powerful, speaker, super, super intelligent, a super math wizard, and she couldn't get up in front of a group. And when we broke down, the reason she couldn't get up in front of the group, she had to write a list of what the requirements were to get up in front of a group. Which of the requirements didn't she have? And the one requirement that she didn't have, she said, was her smile, her teeth. And it turns out that she felt that this was something that she conjured up in her mind. Their teeth were a little bit crooked, that she had too much of a gummy smile. This bizarre little criticism of herself was stopping her from believing she could get up in front of a crowd and talk because she imagined that nobody could listen to her because they would be obsessed with the fact that her teeth were a little bit crooked. So it can be the strangest little thing like that, which for her wasn't strange, it wasn't little. But by the time she was done going through, looking at it, really finding the reality behind that, it did seem strange and little. But before that it didn't. So self doubt is never just self doubt. This big cloud that comes over, it's always something that's made of some small bits that haven't been recognized that really do need to be parsed out or you know, dissected out. Because it's those few things that actually, I think invalidates the best word that invalidate the idea that, that the person can do whatever it is that's being considered.

Yeah. And then how do you actually like dissect it out though for the person? How do they move, move forward?

I think the best question is to say who. What is that that you imagine you need to be to be this? Or what's. What do you imagine you have to be able to do to do this? What is it you have, you have to imagine you have to, have to have this? What is it that you imagine is sort of the predisposition or the list of things that relates to this that you put upon yourself and, and you believe you have to either be or do or have to be do or have the thing that you want to achieve. And it's funny because very few people really hold themselves to that task and say, well, wait, let me, wait a second, let me see. What is it that I really believe that I have to already know how to do, to be able to do this thing. And there is a, in every single person there's an actual list. And then by the way, it could be something somebody told them or something that was read at one point or something that somehow they in a bizarre way have come to believe, but they're not even conscious of it yet because they didn't look at it. And then when they look at it, then you have something to deal with because until those details are fleshed out, the person just feels that self doubt is a character trait or self doubt is just like this overwhelming weird psychological fog that just overtook them. So I, I think the best thing to do is to ask the simple question, what is it that you really think is required of you to be this? What do you really believe are the elements that have to be there or have to exist for you to do this? And then by process of elimination you can also find out if there's something the person, depending upon how the person words it, there's something the person may think is missing or is not good enough. And then you have something to work on because the self doubt goes away when there's proof that the person either doesn't need that, that action or quality or thing or that the person already has it but just didn't realize it.

Yeah, I think it's a good point. It makes me think of when I first got into speaking because I just recently started wanting to get into public speaking and I remember saying I wasn't a good enough speaker so why would I do it basically. And then I finally decided I was going to. At least I wanted to have the choice being able to speak. So that way if I did feel moved to do it, that I would be able to actually get up without my emotions taking over. And I remember watching this TED talk and I can't remember who it was, but it was one of those 5 million view watched ones. And I noticed she said the word a lot and she actually used the word. I had my daughter count because she does some editing for me and I was like, okay, just count how many ums she said. And I think it was 65 in an 18, 17 minute Ted talk. And in my mind that was the thing that was holding me back from speaking was the amount of ums I use. So it almost proved to be true that it didn't matter.

Yeah, so if you had self doubt about public speaking and we dissected that, it might have been in your list that I can't do that because I say and so that would invalidate your future as a public speaker. But then when you find out somebody else is speaking and has 5 million views and says, um, all of a sudden, you know, that pulls the rug out from under that one particular thing that's in your list of why not. Why have self doubt? It would be the feeling of self doubt. Because the feeling of self doubt is built upon things. It's built upon stuff. It's, it's built upon actual items. It's not just like, oh, I feel unworthy. I have so much self doubt. I have, it's built on something. And then it, it leads to self criticism. It leads to, it leads to denial. It might even lead to self hate. I mean those four can be intimately connected. Self doubt, self criticism, self denial, and self hate. But the, the feeling is built upon something. It's not just, it's weird. It's not. Or let me say it like this, how sadness is related to something. Sadness is related to, okay, someone is, something is lost or something is missing, or disappointment is related to something not achieved or some reason for being let down, or happiness is related to something specific happening. Some, something. You can put words to these things, right? Self doubt is the same. It's related to something. And in this case it's, it's a feeling that rests upon very individual parts. But it's, it's related specifically to some action going forward. People don't have self doubt about what's already happened. Self doubt is related to a forward interest.

Yeah. Is it also, do you think being not feeling not enough, is that also connected to this group as well?

Well, it'll be not something enough. Like you might have said I'm not a good enough speaker. Because I say, but like if you had said to me, I want to be a public speaker, but I can't, I would say why? And you would say, well, I'm, I'm just not good enough. And I would say why? And then you would say, well for one, I say, and then let's say we looked at that video. And then I would say do you still feel like that is the reason? And then you would say, well, no, that's not it because we would have just taken that thing out of the equation.

It's almost the, you could do this in the opposite. Like if you think about the 4 minute mile and how all these people were able to do a four minute mile after they saw someone do it, then it's almost, if there's something you want to do, you almost want to find someone where you See? Almost. Okay, let's think about it. From podcast terms. They talk about Joe Rogan, right? You see his first couple podcasts episode. They're not good. I've never seen them, so I can't say it from fact, but from what I've heard, people have said they're not good. And it just shows that. Then you could say, why couldn't I start a podcast? Joe Rogan has however many millions of people watching him, it doesn't matter that I start. And it's not good, is it? Do you think that would be a way to. To frame it too?

Yeah, I think my brother, when he first went to kindergarten, my mother had to drag him by the arm out to the bus, out the front porch, down the sidewalk, across the little gravel part before the road, across the road, not to the bus. And he was screaming the whole time, and he was screaming these words, I don't know how to read. And he was going to kindergarten. So once he got into kindergarten, he saw that in kindergarten you learn your letters, and you're not supposed to know how to read, but you can be really great at learning your letters. He was super psyched to go to kindergarten. But the first day, how he had conjured up. He's my younger brother. He's six years younger than I am, four years younger than my sister, maybe. We were talking about reading in school so much, and he just thought reading school meant reading. And so the idea that he was going to school, he didn't relate. Kindergarten being a grade. You know, we make those assumptions that we all know that grades are grades. But I think what happened with him was he just thought, he's going to school, and when you go to school, you read. My sisters have books and they read, and I don't know how to read. So it's something like that. It's. There is an evolution of capabilities and abilities and whatever it is that we want to be or do or have, there's an evolution. And every step of the evolution is one step that is lower than someone and higher than someone else. And so there's. There's always something to be learned and always some expertise to share. So identifying what it is that the expectations are from the individual usually reveals what it is that's holding the person back. Like in my brother's case, what was holding him back from wanting to get on the bus and go to kindergarten was the fact that he didn't know how to read. Well, that's ridiculous. Once he knew that nobody in kindergarten knew how to read, he was on some level playing ground and then he felt he belonged to. You could find out, hey, there are speakers who say that's not ideal. But hey, I belong because I say sometimes.

Yeah. So you're making me think something for self doubt that could really help is joining a group or some kind of event where there's other people that are doing the thing you're doing, but not just all pro people. You want to do something where it's like all different levels of experience.

Yeah. Or like you said with Joe Rogan, you know, proving to yourself that having like real life evidence that somebody was like you, like real life evidence saying, I watched Joe Rogan's episode and I can see, hey, I'm better than he was at where I am right now. You know, really sizing up where you stand relative to another person who has apparently achieved something big or important or something that you hold dear. Seeing that person's evolution and then looking at your own. You can sort of respect the idea of evolution and then give yourself some slack and not hold yourself to such high standards. Like nobody is going to come to you and say like bibbidi bobbidi boo. And then you're gonna just be there and boom, you're gonna skip the whole evolution part.

And I'd love to talk to you about. We've been doing kind of the good side and then the shadows side to each of these Personas. I was, I would love to talk to you about that. So like with someone that has self doubt and I'm adding uncertainty because I feel uncertainty kind of belongs here as well. Indecisive. Because if you have self doubt, you're having trouble making decisions. So I'd love to add what the good side is of this person when they have this Persona.

I think people can use self doubt as a, a way to. This might sound really kind of strange, but I, I think a way to get in touch with the more childlike side, that more vulnerable quality of human beings is when they have to ask for help or take direction from someone, Ask for direction. It's somehow I think a wonderful feeling to surrender to someone who's a coach or a mentor or a teacher or an example. There's something very, I don't mean child in a baby way, but child, you know, the way that children ask a question innocently and then they trust. They trust that everything's going to be okay and they're going to follow. It's so funny. Children aren't sizing up or checking the qualifications on the people they Ask questions to. They're not vetting them. They're just so vulnerable and humble and asking and they're. There's like a certain surrender and trust to the process of learning, the process of evolving, the process of letting somebody else show the way, which I think is an incredible, wonderful experience for a human being, is to be in that really exciting part of learning, that exciting part of self discovery and the way that children would feel enticed by it. It's adults who have made it something scary and sort of made it perverse. It's not a bad thing and it's not a backwards thing to ask for help or to wonder if you're good enough or to wonder how to do something. But children seem to enjoy that and they thrive on that. And somewhere along the line, adults start calling it names. It's like they hold themselves up to such expectations that I think that's sort of a shame. Right. That childlike quality can just be extinguished. So for me, one of the most beautiful and positive expressions of a human being is that kind of child vulnerability and humility. So if, if anyone is able to take the quality of self doubt and see it in, through that, through that sort of lens, I think that can be a totally different experience.

So almost like from having that child mindset and then taking it more from like curiosity versus being upset with yourself or the person.

Yeah. Being unnecessarily demanding and also unrealistically demanding. Because remember, self doubt is born from some, some kind of idea that something is missing. And the truth is, with each and every one of us, something is missing. I mean, if we knew it all, we'd just poof into light and that would be end of that. So something's missing and instead of treating that thing that's missing like it's a crime or we've come up short. It's something wonderful to admit, oh, I don't know that, or I don't know how to do that, or I don't know how to be better at that. And letting that be a motivation versus a deterrent. I think there are a lot of beautiful things that can be born out of self doubt if somebody is able to look at what it is versus just get immersed in the feeling. Because the feeling is very uncomfortable. And so the feeling, nobody likes that feeling. We've all had it. Nobody like likes that feeling. But we all like the feeling of having a question and feeling the hope that it can be answered. We all like the feeling of identifying a thing we want to do and going after it, we all like the feeling of someone taking our hand and saying, let me show you how, like all of those feelings that if we let ourselves, that are kind of naturally linked to self doubt, when we let ourselves experience those things, the feeling of self doubt doesn't even matter. But if we kind of just you know, get attached to the feeling, the feeling feels overwhelming and compressive and oppressive to me. It feels like a very suffocating feeling.

Yeah, I think it's great like to be able to kind of go through that good side because then you're able to acknowledge what is good about it. So then when the shadow side comes up, you're able to say, well if I want to have this good side, then I, I have this, this bad. Like the shadow side comes with it. But then you get to question it when it comes up because you're self aware now that that's where it's coming from. So you don't feel. I mean, I know when I started learning about this stuff with the shadow side and then the positive side, I didn't feel as, I don't want to use the word crazy, but that's pretty much the word that just keeps coming up. You feel like, oh, like what's wrong with me? Now you're able to acknowledge, okay, this is just that self doubt side coming up again. What do I want to do with it? You have more choice is what I'm trying to say.

Yeah, well, I mean this is a question of being realistic. One of the things that I've done with my kids is I made a curriculum for my kids when my daughter Isabella was three. She's 20, she'll be 21 soon. And in the curriculum, one of the assignments I had was write down every emotion that you're guaranteed to have as a human being. Guaranteed. There's no way you're going to get away without having this emotion. Of course self doubt is there. Of course self criticism. Of course anger. Of course jealousy. I mean anything that's a human emotion is going to make a list on that. Of course happiness. Of course joy. Of course self confidence. Okay. If you know for sure that you're going to experience an emotion as a human being, doesn't it make sense to have an idea of what it is, have an idea of how it might feel, have an idea of what is the devilish feeling and what is the sort of angelic feeling that could come out of that emotion or be related to that. Just explore those things. So then every emotion is like a kind of experience that doesn't come as a shock. It's something that in some way has been anticipated. So that's part of the weird ambiguity of life, right? Is that we're going to have emotions that some are really at first glance super positive and others are at first glance super negative. But if you look behind them, the positive ones also have negative elements and the negative ones also have positive elements. You realize that you're not going to escape from either side of either type of emotion. There will never be just a purely positive emotion or a purely negative emotion. So it's funny because I think that sort of thing helps, helps each one of us tap into something higher within ourselves that's beyond the emotions. The emotions are transient and they're related to sort of time and space where there's something inside each one of us that's more divine and that is above those experiences. Something that is loftier and greater and bigger. And when we tap into that, I think we can do just about anything, be anything, have anything.

So let's talk about the down, the shadow side now to having the self doubt, self criticism, denial. And when you recognize it, what, what you're able to do, the response.

What are the downsides?

Yeah, what's the shadow side to it?

I think the shadow side is isolation. The first thing that happens with someone who is self doubt is to shrink and isolate, to hide out. It's probably the epitome of the person who seems shy or unavailable. It's really a shrinking of fading away and isolating. I guess one of the other words that comes to me is something that is when you hear words, someone who doesn't want to get out of bed or wants to crawl under a rock. It's just that wanting to be in a dark place or stay in a dark place, be afraid of the light, fear of exposure. It's very painful, extremely painful experience.

So when they're starting to notice one of these sides, whether the shadow side or the good side, what's something they can say to themselves? So what's a good mindset technique for them to be able to use to recognize it or when they recognize it. So then they have a choice of what they want to do with it.

I think the very first thing to say in a moment of self doubt, in what I counsel people on, and I think it's really key, is your quality of your life is definitely based on the quality of your questions. The moment that anyone feels that moving into statements, statements are so dangerous. I can't do that. I'm an idiot. There's no hope if I do that. I'll look like an idiot. I'll be an idiot, whatever. Those are statements. I'm afraid I can't do that. Those are statements. Statements are trouble. It's so much more helpful to ask a question, even if the question is so simple as is this feeling self doubt or is this feeling self criticism or is this feeling self denial? What am I feeling right now? I noticed that I'm going to crawl under a rock. It feels like self doubt. Is this self doubt is what I feel self doubt. And then the next question, what is the one thing that I think I cannot then fill in the blank be or do or have. Because it'd always be related to something that's happening. So it's. If somebody were having self doubt going into a new job, then I would say, okay, what are the things that you're presupposing that you have to either be or do or have in this new job? And then the person will say it's actually pretty pretty. A pretty quick line to solution. Because if someone needs a breakdown, I would say, okay, let's start with B. What are the things that you think you have to be that you aren't? So let's just get a list. Okay, what are the things that you believe you have to do that you can't do? Let's get the list. Okay, what are the things that you believe you have to have that you don't have? So there's something in that be and or do and or have listed that is related to that overwhelming fear that comes out as the feeling of self doubt. So what is that? And then we can look at whatever that, that or those. It could be one overarching thing or it can be several things that the person believes he has to be or she has to do or he has to have that add up to the feeling of self doubt? And sometimes I feel like self doubt is like a monster and it's a real hairy monster. And all of those things that add up to make it hairy and beastly are all of the details. And so let's say the thinking that you, you can't be a public speaker if you ever say, okay, that would be like the hair of. And we'd pluck that out and we pluck out all these hairs and then self doubt is like this little naked thing that has no power over us anymore. You just pluck the hairs out of it, which are the details of whatever your beliefs are that you have to be or do or have to achieve or accomplish whatever that special thing is that you, the self doubt is holding you back from. It is always, always related to something specific. It's never just a feeling. There's always some structure behind it.

Yeah, I love the wording of like taking the power away from it and it just puts you in the driver's seat. Once you kind of understand this and once you're able to identify truly which Persona you are. So then you know how to move when move or pause and ask a question when, when you're feeling it come up.

Yeah, you completely, completely. The minute you can ask a question and question drives curiosity. Curiosity has little fire in it. And the minute you can ask a question, you come out of that dark place. It's like the question is the little light in the darkness because questions have to be answered. And the brain's always looking for the answer to whatever question it was asked. It's looking. It's like a search engine. It's just looking and it will search till it gets something. So the higher the quality question and the more specific the question. Just when you put into a search engine, you put in a question. If you asked a bad question, it'll take you forever to get what you're looking for. If you put in a good question, you'll come up with some good answers and suddenly you won't be in the feeling anymore. That goes for anything. But in the case of self doubt because the structure of self doubt is that there's something that deep inside, unconsciously or subconsciously, I'll say you just talking about it here. But there would be something that you believe that you can't be do or have. And until you identify that, you wouldn't be able to shake the feeling of self doubt. Does that make sense?

Oh yeah, it totally does. I'm also wondering when someone's feeling they're unable to make a decision because the self doubt is coming up, what would be a way for them to be able to start making decisions from a place of certainty?

Yeah. So if somebody's indecisive, it means that the person doesn't have a. A real idea of what the end result he or she wants is. I would. It's a little bit different when someone's indecisive. There's a lack of clarity on what the outcome is supposed to be. So the emotions behind it of uncertainty are kind of a giveaway to the fact that either a true value system isn't being expressed what the person really wants at the other side, they haven't they can't fully commit to what someone can't fully commit to what he or she wants, maybe is trying to please somebody else. That's different that what I would call, that's different than what I would call self doubt indecisiveness is some lack of, of clarity on what the end result, what the person truly wants as the end result. I'll give you an example. If you, for example, you want to do a podcast with somebody and you want to address a really difficult subject, you are going to be super decisive about what questions you ask because you're looking for the outcome of a feeling, like you get it, so you're going to be decisive. I'm sure you've had this experience doing your podcast. You've asked some questions and they've kind of been off target, but the asking of it makes you get on target and it's your decisiveness that you're going to the end product that makes you keep asking, you know, keep taking action because you're sure that you want to have a feeling or you sure you want to get this end product. So the end product makes you unselfconscious. You're, you're going to go for whatever you want because you're, and you're going to be very decisive because you want it and you're connected to wanting to get the end result. Let's say if you were doing a podcast and you were, the end result is that you wanted to have a really good podcast, but you were intimidated by the person. And so you were sort of in an intermediate way making, making it your priority to be liked by the other person. So that would hold back your asking questions. You wouldn't be decisive. You'd go around things, you'd beat around the bush, you'd have awkward language. You wouldn't honor the questions that were really coming up in your mind because you'd be trying to honor some values that really weren't what you wanted to get at the end of the episode, which is a feeling that you were looking for. That's what being indecisive is all about. It's not being true to whatever it is, the outcome that you really want to get, which could be a feeling or could be a thing. So I think that's like a close cousin of self doubt, but it's not the same thing. People are very decisive when they're clear about what they want the outcome to be. They're very decisive. In fact, they're so decisive that they will make mistakes like Self doubt won't even come into the picture. If someone's decisive, they'll make mistakes. If they don't know what they want at the end and they're waffling, the reason is because they're not clear on what they want for the end result. Because it's funny, the clarity of wanting the end result gets rid of so much of fear of making mistakes, makes us decisive and we make mistakes all the time. When we're clear about what we want the outcome to be, we make tons of mistakes and we just keep pushing past them.

Yeah, and I was wondering too, what would be a good practice for someone that's in this, in this place of self doubt, uncertainty, self criticism, denial, what would be a good practice for them to be able to move forward and do the thing?

Well, I always like reflection, you know that look back at your existing life to see what obstacles you've overcome. When things have been difficult or when you didn't know how to do something but were still able to do it. I think that is one of the most underutilized steps in self awareness is just reflect on a similar situation in the past. The other thing would be asking the question, you know, being clear on this, what is it that I'm feeling? And then what is it that I really believe I don't know how to be or do or have? Make that a list, actually flesh it out a little bit and then look at it and say okay, are these things true? Like I didn't, did I even realize that this was a thing in my brain? And then the other thing that always makes sense to me is that child interest or wonder is to ask for help, ask somebody for assistance on the thing that you find out that you don't know how to be or do or have. Ask for assistance. If you ask for assistance, just when you have self doubt, like if you go to someone and say oh I have such self doubt, I feel so self critical, I have such self denial, what's the person going to say? I'm sorry, here's some flowers. It doesn't work because it's a feeling and the feelings connected to something. So if, if you were to say it to someone, that person, a wise person would say, well what is it that you are having self doubt about? Well, what is it that you believe you can't be or do or have? You'd come back to the questions again.

What would you, if you could talk to this person and give them one piece of advice about being able to do the thing and unblock this for themselves. What would you tell them to do?

I would say be. Be where you are and do the thing at the level you are right now. Like, don't try. If I go back to the story about my brother, don't try to be in 12th grade when you're in kindergarten. Be really joyful in the place where you are now. Don't try to rush life. Don't try to. Don't try to, you know, have this magic wand take away where you are now. Be it. Be here now. Be at the level where you are. Whatever level that you are right now is something that's way beyond where you were before and way too early for where you're going. It's just where you are now. So be where you are now. Find out really what that means and really be there. And before you know it, you won't be there anymore. You'll be at the next level and then be there. Like, really be in. Be who you are in the place where you are at the moment and hold yourself to that and really squeeze the juice out of that.

So good. Thank you so much for coming on with me and talking through this. I just feel like I learned a lot from this episode. I'm sure the listeners will as well. Please share where people can learn more about you if they want to. If they want to stay in touch.

Oh, they could find me at the blog. Blog. Done with anxiety dot com.

And don't you have a quiz on there? I know I took one a while ago. I'm not sure if it's still there. For getting to know your beast brain.

Yeah. So I have a quiz. I'm working on a new quiz. I just had an old quiz. There's always quiz on there. I love quizzes. I love questions.

Yeah, that's right. It actually goes in line with this whole thing. Awesome. All right, well, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

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