Kate Middleton: Discover How To Cut The Comparison So That You Can Finally Do The Thing

I do really believe 100% from every part of me that everyone has the capacity to be able to do the things that they want and not to be held back by the mental baggage that's in our head that we want to push through.

Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. In each episode, we get down and personal with people who go after the things they want to make all their wildest dreams come true. Join us as we unveil and dissect a formula for what it takes to do the thing. Here is your host, Stacy Lauren.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the do the Thing podcast. This is your host, Stacy Lauren. Well, all right, guys. So this is always fun for me when I get to do new things and then I get to learn more as I'm going through the new thing. I've been creating this quiz for you guys, which is on pretty much what's stopping you from doing the things you want. And one of the Personas that came up during this quiz has been comparison and how that can really stop you from doing the thing that you want. And so I wanted to bring an expert on to be able to dissect this idea of comparison more because it's such an important topic and it's something that, especially right now with just. Just how much comparison is around us, just even if we talk about, from a social media standpoint, how easy it is to get stuck into that trap, I wanted to be able to just really dive in even deeper to. To give you guys a full experience into what can help you move past comparison and be able to give yourself tools to practice, to work through that. So I am so excited to welcome Kate Middleton to the show.

Hi, Kate. Hi. So good to be here. Yeah.

And I didn't even mention who you are, but the people that are listening and have been avid do the Thing listeners probably know. But just for anyone that's just tuning in now, Kate is actually a somatic therapist and she also is an authentic relating facilitator. And we've been working together for the last year and I went to a few of her trainings that she did where she facilitated the training. One I went to by myself and the other one with my boyfriend. And she just creates this amazing space for people, has so much wisdom in the way that she's able to tap into, like, where people are with themselves and then to be able to give, like, a practice and what I mean by practice, but flex the muscle to be able to handle certain things, whether that's handling discomfort or handling peace or presence. And Then also, of course, having deep communication. So I'm just. It's just been a thrill to be able to have you someone that I could reach out to and then be able to have you share your wisdom with. Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much. That's a very kind and generous intro.

And one of my favorite. It's so funny. I love all of our episodes, but one of my favorite one that's been getting the most press lately has been the one that you did on the attachment styles where you were able to dive into just the different attachment styles that people have and then the practice of helping them move into a more secure attachment style. I'm hearing so much amazing feedback about that as well.

Oh, great. Yes. That is. I think it's worth getting to know. Anyone can learn something from attachment theory and practices around that.

And I think the reason it's funny, I didn't even think why I was bringing it up, but I think the reason why I brought it up is because once you understand work you're coming from when you're able to identify with a certain thing, it doesn't mean you're labeled with that. Like there's always a way to move through it. But I think it's having the self awareness so you're able to see when it's coming up and then you can make a choice to know what to do with that thing.

Absolutely. It's a starting place. It's not where you're stuck, it's just where you're starting from.

So good. Well, with that, let's get into it. So we are talking about comparison. So tell us what's going on with this person? What's the good side of someone that has comparison? And then let's. That'll be the starting place there. What is this person going through?

Okay, well, let's start with the positives of comparison. It shows that this person has an ability to look outside of their own experience and to have wider view or even a bird's eye view, to see beyond their direct experience so they can look to other people and look at their lifestyle or how these other people are showing up in the ways that they might want to or in ways that they really don't want to. And so helps them to learn to learn how to relate and how not to relate through other people's experience, which is a great thing because sometimes we can become totally absorbed in our own experience and can't see anything outside of that. So someone who is sort of stuck in a pattern of comparison has the ability to see beyond themselves. So that can be a good thing. We can start there. And curious, is there anything that comes up for you as I say that, Stacy?

Yeah, I mean, I think you're right. I think if we're looking at one of the other Personas is self doubt. So that's a person that's really stuck inside their head and having a hard time getting through. And so that makes sense when you're saying that's such a huge benefit of someone that's stuck in comparison is they aren't in that. They're not in that stuckness. They're. They're looking outside of themselves already.

Right? Yeah. And if someone were to use that, then they could say, look to someone that they really feel inspired by and consider the ways that this other person is showing up and what they might need to do to show up more fully in those ways, or what they might need to learn or embody so that they can grow into that kind of person or, or evolve in ways that they want. But more often than not, comparison becomes a trap and it actually becomes a really sticky place to get out of. And I really believe that comparison at the root of comparison, it comes down to a desire to belong. And on one side of the spectrum of comparison, we put ourselves below others and have a fear of being rejected. And the fear is the same of not belonging. And on the other side of the comparison spectrum, we put ourselves above others and that is in the hopes of being accepted. But the fear is still the same, the fear of not belonging. So if we go to the root of comparison as a desire to belong, then it can be a little easier to accept this pattern and move beyond it.

Yeah, I'm curious. So what do you think is getting. Why do you think that's the root of it?

So I think it's the root of it because it starts so early on and we're taught to compare ourselves to others, whether it's our siblings or. It definitely starts in school when we're graded or are put on sports teams based on abilities. And I don't think that's bad or wrong, but I think it starts too early and that we don't have time to necessarily absorb a sense, a deep rooted sense of belonging before we're sort of put to the test of comparison and separation. So I think that it, it comes from a really early place. And then as we grow up and grow more fully into these patterns, that comparison becomes a familiar place. It's sort of how we make sense of the world how we orient our, to our environment of, okay, am I better or worse than how do I fit in here? What do I give myself permission to do or not do because of where I've placed myself? So I see that as, as a root, a root of comparison. And I was actually reading an article in Outside magazine last night which was really interesting. It was about the Norwegian culture of outdoor play based education. And at the last Winter Olympics, I think Norway came away with more medals than any other country. But in Norway, competition is banned up until the age of 10 years old. And you can't compete, I think, at a national level until you're 14. And I might be way off, but it's something like that. And yet they are the most successful nation in competitive sports. And I think what this is speaking to is learning how to be yourself before learning how to compare yourself to others or to compete. And I think comparison and competition are basically one and the same.

Yeah. Can you give some. That makes me think I want to give more examples of comparison when that shows up, like, what does that look like?

Right. So let's say I'm just gonna throw some out there. You walk into a party and the first thing you do is notice how well dressed everyone is. And then you look at your own outfit and say whatever you say to yourself about, oh my God, I look so sloppy or I'm not presentable or I should have, I'm underdressed or something like that. And if you really break that down, what's happening here is probably a desire to feel comfortable in your own body in this group of people, but an almost inability to give yourself permission no matter how you're showing up, whether it's the same or different to others who are there. That's one example. Another example, if we go with the sports theme is say you are trying out for a team, maybe. Yeah, trying out for a team, and you're comparing yourself to the other people, the other athletes. And you just see either everyone as, let's say, better than you. What can happen in comparison is a real inability to see where you might be as good as or good enough. And so there's this sort of funneling that happens through comparison, which makes you pick up on what you see as inadequacies in yourself a lot of the time. And then as another way to generally to overcompensate for this is making yourself above others or bigger than or better than as a way to feel safe, essentially. So that could be you are, let's say you go to a class and someone's teaching on something and you're like, oh, I know this already, I could teach this class. And what that does is really block you from having any sort of experience of learning or expansive experience. But in some way it helps you to feel safe or good in the moment. And I like to think of these patterns, whether it's comparison or self doubt, as having some kind of wisdom encoded within them. So they're not bad or wrong, but they are something to learn from. Like, okay, what is it that I'm needing from this pattern of comparison? Or what do I get out of comparing myself to others? So one thing, what you might get out of comparing yourself to others is it allows you to isolate. If you keep putting yourself down as I'm not good enough to, or I don't belong here, it gives you permission to isolate and to not have to take the risk to put yourself out there. If you're putting yourself above others, it gives you what you get from that. The payoff would be not having to feel vulnerable, not having to feel the discomfort of feeling less than, for example. So there's always something that we're getting out of it that maybe we're not aware of in the moment.

Yeah, I think there's something really important about that because a lot of times it's kind of that idea that I'm just happy with the way things are. And then you can make excuses for yourself in your mind on why it works for you until you actually hear some of these things you're saying, which it's, what are those? What's behind that statement? Where is that even coming from? And why am I even feeling that way?

Yeah, absolutely. With comparison, I, I think that we're sort of living inside of a culture of comparison and that can make it a little harder to see the pattern when you're in it and when you're surrounded by it. So I love that we're having this conversation and you're sparking all these great conversations about, okay, how to recognize essentially pattern recognition, how to recognize when you' inside of something that isn't actually serving and then how to potentially step outside of that. And I think your do the thing challenges are, are essentially training people to do that, to get out of their own way. Yeah.

What do you think is the, the cost of comparison? Like, if you're living there and you haven't broken through and overcome it, what's the cost to you?

The cost is that you can never really feel safe or connected in your relationships. And that's Any relationship, whether it's family, intimacy, colleagues, because you either have to feel better above or below someone to feel good enough or safe enough or okay. And I believe that it's only when we can acknowledge each other as equals, regardless of skill set or talents, abilities, achievements, that we can acknowledge each other as equal, as whole humans just figuring this thing out, that we can feel a deep level of contentment or peace or connection that is foundation to relationship and also sense of safety inside of ourselves. To. To be in our body, to live in this body and in our environment, to show up in the world in the ways that we want to. And if we're stuck in comparison, we'll probably never do the thing in the ways that we want to or live as fully as we want to. And it's hard because there are temptations everywhere. Take Instagram, for example, or whatever platform that you use. It's so tempting to compare yourself to another's through these platforms. They're almost designed to have us do that. And so when I catch myself in comparison, at first, I try and do a pattern interrupt. I try and catch myself in the moment and break off from the pattern because you need to create distance, some separation to get a sense of yourself back. And. And then I try to see where I can acknowledge myself and these others that I'm comparing myself to as equal, as of equal, worth just for existing. And then from there I can dig a little deeper and consider, okay, what is it that. That I'm valuing through this comparison? What is it I'm wanting more of in my own life? I'm wanting to be more of or less of? And how can I start to create that change that I'm wanting?

And when you're talking about the pattern interrupt, what, what's your best way or what do you recommend for that pattern interrupt when you're finding yourself comparing yourself in that way?

So this is actually borrowed from a dear friend, actually from Nick Wood, who you interviewed at one point. Oh, yeah, yeah. He has this thing where he says, enough, I am enough. And I love that little mantra because it's the first, enough is this firm. It's enough. Okay, stop it. And then comes in the compassionate I am enough. It's like, I don't need to run this pattern anymore. I'm okay as I am. And that's just one. There are so many, but that's one I love. And then let's just speak to the. This social media piece. If I caught myself really deep in the spiral of comparison, I would cold Turkey. Get off the platform for at least a few days, because it's. Once you've gone down that road far enough, it's really hard to pull yourself out of it when you're still immersed in the environment that's driving the behavior. So it's sobriety check. Okay. Get off social media for a couple days, go for some walks, see people in person, and then see how you're feeling about yourself and how your. Has your comparison cleared up a little bit.

I love that idea, too, of just what you said with, like, taking some distance from something. Because sometimes when you're so closely connected to whatever it is that you're doing or feeling, it feels like you can't get out and you're, like, swallowed by it. But when you can actually take a minute and have that pattern interrupt, it wakes you up out of that loop that you're. That you could get into.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Other ones that work. This is used a lot in. In addiction, whether that's substance or behavioral. Is the elastic band on the wrist. Let's say you catch yourself somewhere in the loop of comparison, and you're really essentially. Comparison is judgment. And so you're catching yourself judging yourself and others. That. And you want to sort of snap out of it or create some distance. You would actually pull the elastic band, put it under tension, and then release. So it snaps onto your wrist, and you get a little jolt of sensation. It might be a little painful or just a sting, but enough to wake you up and help you to shift gears. It's enough to sort of startle you back into presence.

And then you mentioned after the pattern interrupt, I didn't get that whole thing, but I think it was acknowledging what you're feeling by noticing that comparison is happening.

Yeah. So I'm always curious with these patterns, like, what is the feeling that you're trying to avoid through this behavior? There's something that you're not wanting to feel. And so in order to do that, you're doing something that has you feeling another way. So, for example, let's say if someone is comparing themselves and actually putting themselves above others, what is it that they're not. They're avoiding by doing that? Or it can go the other way around. Let's say you're starting a new business and you realize, okay, in order to promote my business, I have to show up in these places. But I. And then you look to who's showing up in those places and who's doing what, and then you compare yourself as, I'm not good enough I don't know. Enough. I'm not. Whatever. Enough what? And then you just stay in that loop. What is it that you're avoiding? Are you avoiding actually feeling what it's like to show up and to be seen? Probably because you're not even getting to that point.

Yeah. And I'm wondering too, because you also said then after that, what am I like valuing in this person? And then what am I not wanting to feel? So is that a separate part then? It's where you're now you're looking at the other person that you're comparing yourself to or the other thing, whatever it is. And. And then you're. You're starting to get in line with that.

Yeah. So I think once you recognize that you are in comparison, then you can start to learn from what's happening, learn from what you're doing, learn from this other person that you are comparing yourself to. When you're enmeshed or merged with the pattern, there's no room for sight. But once you pull back a little bit, then you can see more and understand more. So if you notice yourself comparing yourself to someone or another way to say that is judging. If you notice yourself judging yourself harshly or another harshly, that's a really good indicator that something's happening and that there's something to learn. And I would say what. What behaviors are you judging yourself for? Or what are you judging yourself for? And to pick up on, okay, you're judging yourself in this way, but what is it you really want? What is it you're actually wanting? Because a judgment of yourself or self criticism is what you're not wanting. So then you have to go to what it is you are wanting. Let's just go. Because it's so easy to go into comparison or judgment with body stuff. So let's say that you judging yourself, your body image or size wanting to be. Or let's say you are judging your body as out of shape and you are comparing yourself to someone who's really fit. So you're not wanting to be where you're at right now. But what you are wanting is to be fit or similar to where this other person is at. Which when you break it down to that, that's actually really easy to see and accept and to create change from. But when you're just stuck in I'm not as good as or they're better than me or whatever, then there's really no room or place to go from there.

Does this also you mentioned the judgment and I'm just wondering so when you're feeling jealous for another person, so you're. That's your comparison. You're. You're in comparison, right?

Absolutely. And jealousy or envy, those are such great learning opportunities. Because I think that is speaking to something that you're holding a value and what you are wanting that you don't quite feel you have yet.

I love that reframe because like in. You're not like, like by you saying, what is my learning opportunity with this. If you're feeling that, I think you're. Then you're not stuck on that judgment anymore or that jealousy or the envy.

Absolutely. And, oh, jealousy is one of the most uncomfortable things to feel. Right. So from jealousy we can quickly jump to other things. But I, I think that if you are willing to sit long enough in the hot seat of that to learn from it, that, oh my gosh, you'll get so much from it. Yeah.

And for the listeners, keep that in mind. So instead of getting mad at yourself for feeling a certain thing, it's really asking yourself, what is that learning opportunity? What is my learning opportunity in this moment? I think there's something really important about that because when you can kind of get and identify it, you're able to. To work through it a little bit easier.

Absolutely.

What do you think about that? Do you think there's another thing with that? When they're feeling something, is there something else they can do in addition to that? Cause I know there's a. I think you told me once there was a risk to always wondering what that learning opportunity was. Is there something else you'd recommend there?

Right. Yes. So this is such a good point. If you jump straight to trying to learn the lesson from something, I think you're probably avoiding having to feel it. And you have to feel it first to understand more of what's it, what it's about. So I would say the practice there is to really sit with it. And you could imagine that you're literally sitting beside jealousy or envy, or you're sitting with it as it is in you and making room for it to be there for a certain amount of time. It's not like you have to be with that day in and day out, but you're going to spend five minutes just acknowledging that this feeling is here and oof. What it feels. And as you do that, you really sense into your body what's happening. What does jealousy feel like in you? Oh, it's this hot, icky, sticky, burning, clammy, whatever. But you're actively experiencing that, which you Normally avoid. And in doing so, you're really empowering yourself to make change. Because if you're running from something, you can't, you can't make any change. But if you are able to sit with and be with, then you can create change.

What do you think would be a good daily practice for someone that falls into comparison a lot.

Oh, so here's just one fun one. And this is using the. The practice of Namaste, which of course has its own cultural origins, which might not be your own, but I think we can borrow the idea of this and use it in a positive way. One meaning of Namaste is I bow to that in you, which is the same in me. Or I bow to the light in you, which is in me. And so, upon meeting or greeting or seeing across the zoom screen, another, you could say this internally. You don't have to say it out loud, but you bow to that in them, which is the same in you. So you are acknowledging your equality. You're recognizing yourself and this other as an equal whole human. And it's a leveler. It's a great leveler. And let's say that you are going for an interview with a job you really want. Chances are you feel a little bit nervous and maybe somewhat inadequate and are worried. And you put this, the person who is interviewing you, onto a pedestal of sorts. This would be a great leveler. Okay, Hey, I see you as I see myself. We're an equal here. And that's just sort of. I find that a fun, quick and easy one that will have a ripple effect. And Deepak Chopra has some great teachings on this. Actually, I can't. I'm forgetting it now. But it's something about slaying the dragon of self importance or something like that. But he speaks to putting people on pedestals or putting. Placing ourselves above or below others. And so I'd say any practice that is a great leveler, that puts you on an equal playing field. And another practice, one that we do in authentic relating, is a practice of humility and dignity. So considering the humility practice is what is there for me to learn from this other and the dignity practices, what do I have to share or to offer or to teach this other? So you recognize that you can always learn something from another and you can always bring something or give something to another.

Yeah, you're making me think back to the. The authentic relating training too. And like, gosh, all the wonderful practices you have there. And there's that assumptions exercise where people can make assumptions about certain People. And I'm wondering if that also leads into comparison. If someone is that person, that's an assumptions person.

Absolutely. Whether we want to call it assumptions, judgment, comparison, they're all under the same umbrella and their ways of labeling things so that we feel in some ways protected by those labels or like it's easier for us to grasp the other or the concept by labeling it. And labels are not all bad or wrong, but they can create a barrier to connection. So I think comparison is often a barrier to, to connection or to relating relationship. And there's no way, I mean you could try right now to never compare again, but that's just not going to happen. So instead of aiming to be this perfect person who never compares, I'd say the goal really is to recognize when and where you do and to get curious about what's happening in you when you compare or when you assume, or when you judge how you can acknowledge that feeling and then encourage yourself back to a more open place.

And then how do you think they could encourage themselves back into a more open place, especially when they're having that feeling. What do you think is a good strategy for that?

Right. Well, personally I love self talk. That really works for me. But some people need other ways. So for some people it could be putting on a power song and to remind them of their own power and dancing to it. Or it could be some self touch like a hand on the heart and a deep breath in and out. It might be calling upon a, a guide of sorts, whether that's real or energetic and calling in some external wisdom from another using a lifeline. Calling a friend could be real or imagined or energetic. So many ways that really just help you to get back in touch with the you who knows yourself as an equal or as good enough or as not too much. And also who knows others as, as whole humans worthy of their own experience. And I think that's actually a great practice is to, for any listener to really consider, okay, what helps you get back in touch with the deeper parts of yourself that know this to be true.

So good. What would be your number one piece of advice for the listeners on cutting the comparison?

Ah, so the first thing that pops up is, is give yourself some grace and extend that to the others who you're judging. So work on your self compassion and extend that out to compassion for others. Because a lot of people jump to give dropping the judgments on other people, but keep it for themselves and that just bleeds back out into relationships. So start with yourself, give yourself some support and compassion and then direct that outside of yourself as well.

So good. Thank you so much for doing this with me. I just love how you're able to really give such insightful wisdom into how to get through different things and also actionable practice items that people can actually take with them in their daily life. So I just. I just really appreciate when we're able to have these conversations.

Oh great. Me too. It's so fun to be talking about what I really care about and what matters most in my world.

So good. Thank you so much, Kate.

So welcome.

Thanks for listening to the do the Thing podcast. We hope you enjoyed the show. But even more, we hope you'll be inspired to do the Thing. Do you have a burning question on Doing the Thing that you'd like answered? How about an inspiring do the Thing story of your own that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear all about it. Just leave us a voice message at dothothing callcast. Co or email us at hello at dothethingpodcast. Com.