5 Signs You’re In a Toxic Relationship

One of the biggest things you have to learn is how to identify unhealthy relationship before it costs you big. So stay tuned.

Far too much time is spent talking about relationships, unhealthy ones, healthy ones, so on and so forth. At the end of the day, most of our audience, most of the people that we've interacted with, have identified that one of their three biggest struggles has to do with the quality of their relationships. So I thought I'd take a few moments and help you understand what I've learned over the last 20 years about toxic relationship or bad relationships in general. So a relationship can be toxic in that it can cause a lot of damage to your life, or it can simply be unhealthy in such a way that actually cost you time, energy, and resource. So what we want to do is we want to begin to break those down. Not too long ago, my daughter, of all people, unfortunately got herself involved in a unhealthy and even, dare you say, toxic relationship. She missed all the signs because she simply didn't know any better. Not to mention, unfortunately, she began to have a child with this young man. This young man was really struggling to be a father, a role model, a quality boyfriend or husband material, if you will. So why was that important? Because my daughter didn't fully understand why things were going the way they were. All she thought was, I don't understand. We were so good before. Like, then I got pregnant and then now I. You see what I'm saying? Complexity adds value. Not to mention that the telltale signs were there long before. So let's uncover five specific signs of an unhealthy relationship. So you can avoid the broken hearts, you can avoid the pain, and hopefully find the love of your life along the way. Number one on the list is going to be what I refer to as grudges. Grudges are a telltale sign that someone who's not actually involved in you from a selfless or a value proposition scenario, they are simply there to basically become a selfish environment of what they're working through. As such, what they do is they will constantly remind you that you're not all that. In my daughter's example, one of the things that this young man would do to my daughter is consistently, consistently talk down to her and demean her. Right? That is not good under any circumstances. I have to be honest, I did the same thing myself, being treated that way by other people. So I understand how easy it is to slip into these behavior patterns and not know any better. But after this video, you have no more excuses to allow yourself to set healthy boundaries. Grudges are a way to basically own up to control. Okay? With a grudge being there, resentment builds over time, anger starts to fester and the next thing you know, there's arguments and fights on a regular basis. The problem is most people don't dig into the roots of why that even going on. All right? But for the sake of time, I want to go ahead and move on to the next one. The next one is the actual flat out disrespect.

Disrespect in general is treating someone with, with lower respect value than you would treat your best friend. Let me ask you a question. Why is it we treat the people we love with the most disrespect while we might treat a total stranger with complete grace and mercy and integrity? Why? Because they'll put up with it, that's why. That doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it right for you to do it and it doesn't make it right for it to be done to you. And only healthy boundaries can remove the disrespect and actually kind of do something different. As we look at disrespect, we're basically looking at one specific thing and that's the comment screw you. Any healthy relationship is going to be mutually valued on a consistent basis. Any relationship that says screw you, I don't have any, that's not good. It's not healthy.

It's not healthy at all. Why would you put yourself through that difficulty and circumstance which you can identify that maybe you made some mistakes. But. But if you face up to your mistakes and you apologize and you're seeking forgiveness for doing something stupid, then the wall should come tumbling down. As far as like being able to actually build a bridge, however unhealthy relationships, it's impossible to build a bridge because everything is held over your head or that person is doing things through maintaining control of the relationship. All right, so that's the top two there. I see this as a trend. In fact, many times I will see this as like an upward trend of a bar graph. Okay, so this is level one. This is basically level two. All right, you got me. Number three.

Guys.

Let me put it to you this way. You deserved, you deserve to be talked to with dignity and respect. You deserve to be talked to with honesty. You deserve to be talked to with consistency. You deserve to be talked to with vulnerability and transparency. You're designed to be actually valued in a healthy relationship. Alright? Unfortunately, if someone is consistently deceiving you. Especially if they get to the point where that deception is, they're now trying to pivot. That is on you as being knuckleheaded and crazy. That is not healthy. Anyone who's lying, cheating and stealing in your relationship does not need the gift of your presence. In fact, they need the gift of your absence.

Under no circumstances should you maintain a relationship with someone who's constantly lying and cheating and stealing on you. Okay? I personally went through that for decades. So much so that by the time I finally met my beautiful wife Karen, I was so badly wounded and scarred. It took me months and months and months of building trust over and over again for me to get out of this thing, right? To get totally out of it. Not lying. A toxic person will say, I'm not lying. You can trust me all day long. In fact, some of the tell tale times is, trust me, I got this. Trust me, trust me, trust me. Someone who doesn't need to say trust me has already earned your trust. Only people who are trying to convince you that they're trustworthy would ever say trust me. The question is, you have to ask yourself why?

At the end of the day, this has to be true by evidence, not by verbalization, right? So don't lower your standards to such a place as you allow for this deception because you feel like you can change somebody. You feel like maybe that. Maybe it was just this one time. Okay? It is true. People can heal up and mature and get out of bad behavior. 90% of the time, though, it happens while a breakup has already occurred. Not during the middle of a relationship. Because there's no motivation to change. None. If you're constantly giving yourself to someone who's lying, cheating and stealing on a regular basis and constantly deceiving you, what motivation do they honestly have to change their ways and get better about their own motivations? Think about it. It's only with the gift of your absence that that person can even attempt to try and work on something. You got me. Moving on, number four. As we're walking through this abandonment, one of the worst things that someone can do to you is to abandon you in your hour of need. I'm not talking about our service men and women who are fighting overseas or doing some kind of duty station where they cannot be away from their families. I'm talking about the kind of people who are intentionally away from their families, who intentionally are basically doing everything in their power not to go home or not to connect or not to be affectionate or not to care. That's called Abandonment, right? Many, many people, unfortunately who struggle with abandonment almost always end up with somebody until they discover the healthy relationship with somebody who's habitually abandonment style. In other words, this person who's brokenhearted about abandonment because they grew up in a difficult situation, all this kind of stuff, and they're very scared of you leaving and all that kind of stuff, or very scared of someone leaving, tend to find someone, right? Who, who will stick around just because as not to actually have that quality relationship. Basically they learn to settle, okay? They also will typically attract someone who was habitually someone who would abandon someone else. That happens over time, right? Because we tend to attract what our greatest fear is until we know better. So now you know better. Now raise your standards, set your boundaries. Don't be played, right? Be respected, be valued, be intentional, be communicated with. Those are quality qualities. I know that sounds strange, but it's real, right? Those are quality qualities. Make sure you stand up for yourself, right? Because the person that loves you and is committed to you is never going to say to you, I don't even want to be here. Either by thought, action or deed.

They'Re going to follow up, they're going to be concerned, right? I have to be at work a lot with these different businesses and leading these different teams and stuff like that. But my greatest effort, my greatest time is trying to get home to my family in a timely fashion so I can spend more time with them and actually engage with them on a regular basis. And I'm not great at it, especially after a long day, but at least it's something I want. Because I want my spouse to not feel abandoned. I don't want her to feel like she's isolated and alone. Because if someone feels isolated and alone long enough, guess what? They won't be there long. If you abandon, ignore and basically keep away from someone long enough, they will eventually. Because the human need itself is to be loved, affirmed and valued. Okay? They will eventually leave, right? Don't be that whole like Cinderella song from back in the 80s with the big hair band. I don't know what I got until it's gone. Don't put yourself in that position if you're on this side. And if you're on this side, don't settle for anything less than being connected with. Alright, last one here. Abuse.

I'm gonna pause for just a second.

Abuse comes in many, many forms. It can come with grudges, disrespect, deception and abandonment on steroids in the form of mental and emotional abuse. It can come in the way people are talking to you, it can come in the way people make you feel, like you're worthless and nothing. Okay, that's dangerous. That is not good. It's not good for you. It wasn't good for me.

We could take it a step further with another level of abuse, which is physical abuse. Here's the thing. Understand. Hear me. Hear me. It is not.

It is not okay for someone to put their hands on you.

It is not okay under any circumstances.

Don't stay in a situation like that simply because you're scared of being alone. There are variety of ways to create exit strategies. Because it's not okay. It's not okay for year after year, for five years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 25 years. It's not okay for you to stay in that position and feel lower and lower and lower and lower and lower. Like your self worth is completely irrelevant. It's not okay.

I'm giving you permission right now. I'm giving you permission to have courage and boldness and want more for your life. I'm giving you permission to start again. I'm giving you permission to walk away from this garbage.

And discover a relationship that actually matters. One that fulfills you and brings you joy. Now you are gonna have to do some healing because you can't go through any of this for extended periods of time without getting hurt, without knowing what's true, without knowing who to trust, without knowing what the next steps are. But I don't want that fear to hold you back from actually moving forward. Instead, I want that fear to propel you into faith. I want that faith to then turn into action. I want that action then turn into results. And I want to see you, I want to hear from you. I want you to jot down stuff in the comments about how you were able to break free. Why? Because you matter. You matter. Stop giving up on yourself. Stop allowing these people to take control of you.

Hurt people always hurt people. And the longer you allow them to hurt you, it's not giving them what they need to actually change themselves. You are not helping them by allowing them to hurt you. You are actually additionally hurting them, not allowing them to hit rock bottom. True transformation comes by facing your fears, facing the foundations that can steal from you, and then learning from those mistakes and then having complete change, a complete heart change, a complete passion change. And it doesn't happen in a month, it doesn't happen in a week, and it may not even happen in a year. So don't let some false promise of this deception bring you back into this abuse phase. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Someone who is supposedly loves you. If they truly love you. If they truly value you, if they truly want you to be part of their lives will not treat you with grudges, disrespect, deception, abandonment or abuse.

This is an unhealthy relationship.

This is how toxic relationships are born and festered and matured.

You avoid this by boundaries and you can choose to set them now. You can choose to set them right now. Whether you're single right now or whether you're in this kind of relationship, you can choose to set that boundary. In the meantime, I want you to check this out right here, okay? It's a free resource that I created called 7 Relationships yous must have to Win at Life. Never, Never, Never Forget. Do me a favor. Subscribe. I want to keep making these videos. I want to keep helping you and I want to see you get in your own breakthrough. And I can't wait to see you on the next video. Take care.