Why You Snap At People You Love, The ALIGN Method, & Why ADHD Isn't A Disorder | Sara Hartley

a blessing and a curse about someone who does feel everything. You walk into a room, you feel that energy, you know immediately, is this a safe place? Your body is telling you this way before your brain is even understanding. You're feeling that energy and whether or not you should be there or not.

She has her own really, really cool story about why she became awoken to the work she's now doing, why she's so passionate about it. Guys, please help me welcome the one and only Sarah Hartley.

It's coming out somewhere, and it typically is unfortunately, given to people—

To everybody you love most.

Exactly, the people that you love.

They can take it.

Right, yeah, the people you love more than anything because you know they're the safe place, because you know they're not going to run. They're kind of stuck with you, in essence. We all have something, and whether that is ADHD, whether that is an autoimmune disease or a chronic illness or trauma, finding that community and connection with other people who are going through the same thing, I think, is so powerful. What I wanna create is that community to share share with one another and talk to one another and have someone just feel a little bit less alone in their own brains, in their own bodies, no matter what age they are.

Yeah. Hey guys, welcome back to One Part Lion, One Part Lamb. As you know, we like to help you rise, lead, and last. Uh, today we've got a fantastic guest. Um, you know, so much of what we do in the world of professional marketplace, right, as high-capacity leaders, is we're becoming what I think is one of the most profound things, is becoming more rationally self-aware. Or relatedly sexual self-aware, or— Yeah, just be more self-aware altogether in general, um, which is by definition, uh, it prevents you from scaling dysfunction. And whether you're just scaling dysfunction right now— by the way, when you do this, you're not aware you're doing this, which is why we talk about it so much, is because we can be more aware that we're doing this and then correct the things that are causing the problems to begin with. Um, but I, I say that to say that so much of that comes down to your inner world and how that inner world shapes your external reality. And it's been a huge piece of my, my journey. You've heard me talk about all kinds of different facets Many of the guests we've had on already talk about or educate on or teach on the importance of making sure that we have this, as the world would call it, alignment today, right? Integration, like actually being whole in oneself. Because when you're not actually kind of resisted by your triggers, your traumas, you're allowed for your transformation. So, I'm super excited today. Our guest today is going to literally go deep on this. world-class leader, has led businesses, has led in the healthcare world, has led all kinds of things. She has her own really, really cool story about why she became awoken to the work she's now doing, why she's so passionate about it. And, we're getting into that as well. But, here's what I want you to realize. Your highest capacity leading self is totally going to be related to your highest capacity self. In order to change your highest capacity self, you're going to learn very quickly how much regulation is important to your journey. So much of the millions of dollars and dumb mistakes that I've made when I would create, I would make one decision out of dysregulation, it would cause 10 more problems. That is actually what led me to overwhelm and firefighting. So many, I see this all the time with leaders, and we're gonna dig into that today. Guys, please help me welcome the one and only Sarah Hartley. How are you doing?

I'm doing wonderful. Thank you for having me.

I'm super stoked. You know, it's, our mutual friend Sean that introduced us, I was like, he's like, you've got to meet Sarah. You just, you have to meet her. She's a radiant light. She's doing a lot of really big things, beautiful things in the world. And then she, she was, and she loves talking about nervous system regulation, neurodivergence. And I'm like, really? I jam on that, right? Especially like the dysregulation piece was probably my thing. And then, in fact, it reminds me, I need to connect you to MJ Gordon. She also loves the neurodivergent space. But I find myself wanting to learn more about all these different facets because I've— one of the things that I had to discover when I was kind of building myself up and building businesses and trying to be a great father, trying to be a great partner, all the things, was how much I get in my own way. Right? How much, how much, how much, how many of the problems that kind of get in this. So I want to, if it's okay with you, I want to talk. at the business level first, and then we can continue taking this high-capacity leader down a rabbit hole of awareness, if you will. But how do you see the nervous system, if you will, running? How does it transition? How do you actually see it in a P&L statement? Where does it show up, if that makes any sense?

Oh, it's interesting because it's very underlying, and so a lot of times ignored. especially when you are at that kind of heightened level all the time.

Mm-hmm.

It's almost like you're working from fight or flight in this constant state, because you're, you're trying to catch the next thing. You're just moving from one thing to the other, sometimes not pausing, sometimes not stopping and really thinking about what's happening. And then later on, you'll notice, you know, I've, I've been going hard all day, and you finally have a moment to settle. And whether, you know, you're alone and you're able to settle, your brain may not turn off. It's still going, and it's still constantly thinking. On the flip side, if you maybe have children that come in, they come in, they're asking you a million questions, you're trying to transition from the day, and now all of a sudden, you're not realizing that you had been— this buildup had been happening all day long. And then you're triggered by something, and you have a major reaction. And that might be a very minor thing, like, you know, pick your clothes up off the floor, or, you know, I just had cleaned this, and now you've just spilled, you know, whatever it might be.

Yeah.

And you catch yourself getting upset about very little things and thinking, that's not the same person who just crushed it It all day and was going at this very high capacity, but you're not allowing yourself any pause or any breaks or any awareness of what's happening in your body throughout the day, and you're constantly performing. And then you get to this moment where performing stops, and then it all kind of comes really collapsing down on you, and your nervous system is just at its final straw, and you explode.

Yeah. Well, I want to, um, if it's okay with you, I want to dig into trigger The word trigger, triggering, being triggered. Um, the reason I want to dig in there is because that was probably one of the areas that I was the least aware of, right? Um, and one of the ways in which it used to show up back in the day for the— when I was building organizations, was I would walk past and I would hear somebody say, well, that's just Stephen, right? So I'm— I have clearly reacted in a way that other people are not seeing as super valuable, uh, or I've reacted in a way that's super valuable. And either way, I'm not aware of like personally aware of like how I'm showing up, um, in the home, how I'm showing up at work, how I'm showing up in the marketplace in general. Um, so I, the reason I say that is because I don't feel like, like, I think people are used to hearing the word trigger or being triggered or triggering, uh, nowadays. Like I was saying before we hopped on air, it's like last year and a half, I'm watching a massive shift towards more awareness, especially for high capacity leaders, which is beautiful and wonderful. Um, But I don't know that like a year ago I could have told you why I've been— like, I was aware that I was triggered. So because I wasn't aware I was triggered, I wasn't aware I needed to regulate or find a method to regulate before I responded. So would you mind breaking down what a trigger response maybe is on the surface and feels like in the body?

Yeah, absolutely. I think, um, and you've kind of touched on a couple things, dysregulation is a huge piece of this. So a trigger for one person is not going to be the same thing for someone else. And depending on really that emotional regulation and just awareness in and of itself, and kind of what type of person you are.

Yeah.

That is going to determine how large that trigger can be or what it actually is.

Yeah.

And so when I, when I say that is a lot of people who are in leadership, you know, are on, if you were to take the surface down and, you know, look even into the brain, high IQ, you know, potentially neurodivergency there. A lot of entrepreneurs have ADHD.

You surely. Dyslexia, or squirrel.

Right, right. I have ADHD myself. They could have autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, anxiety, a lot of things that would go into it in combination with a very high IQ. And so underneath that surface, our brain, the like scientific level of things, I recently had an EEG, I'm doing neurofeedback, it's very fascinating. For all those characteristics where you said, that's just Stephen.

Yeah.

It's actually your brainwaves and what's happening inside of your body.

So in some cases, it is just Stephen.

It is, but when—

Unaware Stephen, but yeah.

So someone who didn't know me is looking at my brain mapping and saying, wow, here I can see that, you know, you maybe had some negative thought patterns, but I can actually tell that you've been working on that. Or here I can see that, I can see your ADHD. I have Lyme disease. There's an area that they could see that highlighted and other various things. So yes, it's a personality, but it's It's your body chemistry, it's your makeup. And so, for people who run at that high capacity of fight or flight constantly, that's your high beta within your brain, and you are at high beta 90% of the time.

Yeah.

And so, your threshold then for having something trigger you and have that emotional reaction is— it's a much smaller threshold than it is for other people. So, that's not surprising. But, when we talk about triggers, a lot of us too are very deeply empathic, and it literally showed it on the brain scan. Like, hey, here.

And most of us don't know it. Like, I'm pretty empathic myself. Like, I was sharing some stories off air, and that, like, I've just recently in the last year and a half, 2 years, actually stepped into the fact that there's things that I see that nobody sees.

Oh yeah. And I am very similar, and I take on the emotions of other people, and, and that's kind of a subconscious thing that I'm not aware of. And so when we think about things that are underlying, it could be as small as, you know, there's From a trauma standpoint, there's big T's, little t's. There's things that happened growing up. It could be, you know, whether it's a fight you recalled with your parents, or it could be something really significant, or a bully that you had. Now you're interacting at an adult level, and you're, you know, in the office, and maybe you hear a tone of voice, and that tone in your body is, is bringing something up for you.

Yeah.

And so immediately you're going into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And most of us are in that, are fighters. I tend to be on that fighting side. Some things will maybe make me freeze, but very rarely. You know, I'm not as much of like a runner. I kind of like to hit things head on. And, you know—

Is that to get the— and I'm very similar. So this is the reason I want to ask this kind of follow-up question tied to that. I'm sorry to cut you off, but It seems to me that's directly tied to sense of safety.

Yes.

So you want an immediate resolution so you can immediately feel safe again, even if it's not in your best interest.

100%. And then you— it seems like you always have a spouse that's the opposite.

1,000%. I think, I think, I think God does that intentionally.

Yes, yes. Where, you know, my husband's more of a, I want to think about it, you know, um, might withdraw and let's think about this. I'm like, let's talk about this right now. It's like, We have to figure out how to communicate and work together in that. And that can be the same type of pattern within business and who you're dealing with. And I think that's one thing that's a blessing and a curse about someone who does feel everything. You walk into a room, you feel that energy, you know immediately, is this a safe place? Your body is telling you this way before your brain is even understanding, and definitely before the, you know, words are coming out, that you're, you're feeling that energy and whether or not you should be there or not.

Mm-hmm.

And so I think that's where these underlying triggers will come up for us. And it is, it's 100% driven by fear and safety within our body. And so the more, I think, open we can be with others and having those communications and conversations, and, you know, we're almost preparing ourselves before we go into certain conversations or meetings, because we know that person might be a difficult one to talk to.

Yeah.

And so we've got to say, okay, give yourself a little pep talk before you're even going in there. But if you're not ready for that, that's where it's going to bubble up something to the surface. And maybe in that moment, you weren't as reactive. Maybe you did a really good job of pushing that down. You had this, you know, great meeting, you had the conversation, and then you go home. You're not realizing you carried all of that with you.

Mm-hmm.

And if you're not doing something in between to give yourself a minute to pause, to shake it out, to, you know, drink some water, reset your central nervous system, that's gonna carry with you all day long, and you're gonna come home. And now, whether you're screaming at someone that's driving on the road, you know, on your, on your way home, on your commute, because they cut you off, or, you know, you're just kind of having a bit of that road rage, it's coming out somewhere. And it typically is, unfortunately, given to—

To everybody you love most.

Exactly. The people that you love.

That can take it. Right.

Yeah. The people you love more than anything because you know they're the safe place, because you know they're not going to run.

Yeah.

They're kind of stuck with you, you know, in essence. But, you know, it's something that, uh, where it might be a friend or someone else, if it's— they could run, they could leave.

Well, ironically, if, if you do it— and this is just to piggyback on that point— if you do it too much, if you do it too many times with the people you love, you can push them away.

Oh yeah.

Because you're breaking their sense of trust and safety in the dynamic of the relationship you have with them. You know, one of the things that's coming up for me right now, uh, with triggering, you know, trigger being triggered, is, um, I had to become uniquely aware of how I felt in my body from what— and it started, it would always start with an immediate sense of urgency and then be followed by tightness.

Yes.

Like, so I would, I would, I feel like I have to immediately respond to whatever it is. And then the moment that, that hit me, like, my body would instantaneously tighten up as if I was about to pick up a sword and a shield and then go into battle.

Yep. Yeah.

Is that kind of like more standard course, or could it show up like, you know, because not, you know, So to those that maybe are first response towards freeze or fawn, for example, would their body have the same reaction or would their body have a different reaction?

They would have a different reaction. Like you and I have the same reaction. I mean, I immediately feel that chest tightness and that's the first place, but also my fist or my jaw, like those places are tight as well. And I feel that kind of almost jolt in me. But other people, they're interestingly enough, and as I talk about the brainwave piece, there are your theta brainwaves that if those are that's where disassociation comes in. So that person is gonna feel something different. They might completely withdraw. They might kind of be more recluse, not, not want to engage at all. They're gonna disassociate. In those heightened states of disassociation, they also may not even remember what happened. So where some of us might see red, and we know that we're getting really frustrated and flustered, others might, like, almost completely black out from it.

Mm-hmm.

They might just completely you know, glaze over and you're— somebody might be yelling at them and they're just taking it. Nobody's home. You know, they are there.

I've experienced that, uh, with a, with a former partner, um, who had extensive, um, extensive capital T trauma in prior life prior to meeting me. And I remember a couple times we, we would get into conversations or we get into situations and we— there's, you have the engagement like you would have with any other person, right? And then all of a sudden it was like the, the eyes got super wide. Like, just, they would widen, and it was almost like they— it's almost like they left their body.

Right.

Right?

Yeah, absolutely.

And physically watching a freezing happening, that was always difficult for me, um, because I, you know, historically, I want to solve problems quicker than— I believe in repair, like, with, you know, with partners and families, whether your partner is your partner at home or, you know, with your, your, um, organization. And, um, So then I started— then my, my next thing was I would go, what did I, what did I do? How did I contribute to this? And then I also realized that triggers trigger triggers.

Yes.

A lot of times. So maybe if, uh, if you don't mind, from your, um, perspective and, and experience, share about what disassociation really is, because I— it helped me just to understand what it was. And so when I saw it I was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna try different method, pull back, go regulate myself, whatever. Um, and then kind of how that plays, also plays in.

I guess that in my experience, the best example I can give is actually with my oldest child who, um, also has ADHD. You know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He's very highly gifted, wonderful, wonderful kid. Um, there, every once in a while, there will be an evening where he comes home from school and or somewhere, and he's held it together all day long, you know, excelling in school. It's almost— think about it like you've— you're performing all day, and you come home, you know, you're kind of letting the guard down. Also, at that same time, his medication is wearing off. And he is one that he would not be able to sit in a classroom and learn anything if he didn't have it. You know, and there's different philosophies on medication.

Sure.

And I have 2 children, one of both which seem to present differently, but, you know, the same. And my little one, I probably wouldn't give medication. It's just a totally different person that I'm dealing with. And so, with my oldest, it's almost like he's in fight mode.

Mm-hmm.

And there's this moment where you can see in his eyes that no one's there.

Mm-hmm.

But yet, the medication has worn off. There's all of these additional emotions that are coming up. He's in a safe place yet. not acting as if he would with someone that you love. And it's kind of this explosion, but yet, at the same time, you can just see in his eyes. And so, that's where we're both doing this neurofeedback together.

Mm-hmm.

And so, the practitioner who is helping him has mentioned she can see those heightened theta waves that are happening in his body. And so, his disassociation is not just frozen. You know, it's almost like he's fighting, and he's kind of flailing all over the place and won't do what he's supposed to do. And he might be crawling on the ground or like in his brother, just like beating him, trying to like poke at him, and he— nothing is resonating.

Mm-hmm.

So, if you think about when you're speaking with someone, and it's like in one ear and out the other, to me, when you can tell that, you can even tell in the moment when you're talking with them, and you're like, Like, they're not— are they even listening? A lot of that too can be a portion of that disassociation. And so that's really where I've experienced it. And when I have conversations with him later, he doesn't remember.

Yeah.

You know, and he— and that really is where you have to go back to opening the door a little bit more and asking more questions. And, and then how do we do something different and pause around what that experience is to change it a bit?

Yeah, we call it— and it's funny, I've been in a wonderful relationship now the last year and a half, and One of the best parts about the partner, Katie, that I've been dating now for that time frame on the relational sector is, uh, we've— we have very little problems. Like, we relate and talk really well. Um, but if we do need space, we say, I just need to— I need to sit with that. I need to take space with that. Can I have a few minutes? Like, and what I've discovered is, is as someone who wants to solve it now, right? I, I was— that was a portion of me that had to shift. Because like, well, if I really, if I really care about repair, like, like I really care about it, like I'm not just using word service, then I have to be willing to give my partner what they need in general, um, to take space so they can show up as their best selves. Uh, the reason I say that is because I find that that shows up in the market, like the workplace, right? You gotta, you got a team member that's particularly triggering. Maybe, maybe you're like a, you know, you're a vision strategy person. They're like super detailed. And of course you don't see the world through the same lens. Um, they, they have their own life that they live prior to coming to work every day. Like, you have— you know, most of us don't know the background of the people that work for us, um, or work with us. Um, obviously it happens in the home. And the reason I wanted to highlight it was because, um, you actually just touched on it, just being aware of where your son is in that moment to say, okay, well, I know he's not gonna remember this anyway, so let me just pull back. So what are the mechanisms that you see that work really, really well? Because given all types of people, like freeze, fawn, fight, all of I would assume they need different things. And to your point earlier, like with your husband, it's like you're, you're always partnered with the opposite.

Right.

Right. So, which is an opportunity for growth, by the way. I think what we do incorrectly is we try to get the other person to be us.

Right.

Right. So what do you, what do you see that works?

So I, I got to the point for me where I was then yelling. I was then also feeding into this and I was exploding at the same time. And I think we all know when someone is in that heightened state, and they are angry, they are frustrated, yelling is— that's clearly not the answer.

Yeah.

That's gonna make things worse. That's gonna escalate it further. And, you know, there's a difference between knowing something and then actually acting on it when you're in those high-volume moments.

Yeah.

And I think we all try to do really proactive things.

Yeah.

Like meditation, and journaling, and exercise, and eating healthy, and just the things that are proactively there. But what I found is I need something that's going to work work for me in the moment. And there's nothing out there that feels like it's in the moment. We can do grounding techniques, but there's pieces to me that we're missing. And so what I developed was the Align Shift. And what we're trying to do is really shift from reaction to response in that moment.

Mm-hmm.

And there's an element of it that allows for a lot of empathy to really understand the other person. So this can be while you're in the middle of a situation or argument, or it could be, you know, on your own. Maybe you're just getting flustered about something. Maybe Yeah. It's, you know, an email comes in or just something in general. But ALIGN is an acronym, and the A is for awareness. And what I mean by awareness, it's a lot different than what most people would typically think, but you hit the nail on the head with it. It is, what is the physical sensation that's happening in your body? Because that is the first sign that your body is telling you when you're beginning into this flight, fight, or freeze response. And so, you know, again, chest tight, Jaw clenched, you know, fists clenched? Are you sweating? You know, is there butterflies in your stomach, or you can feel that tinge of anxiety that's happening?

Yeah.

And so, the A is for that awareness piece. Then the L is for labeling it. You wanna say, okay, I, I feel the tightness in my chest. I'm feeling really overwhelmed, or I'm feeling really frustrated, or I'm feeling really angry, and be able to understand, okay, what is that specific true feeling and not just, Even anger's probably not the best one. You wanna understand what's that underlying true emotion that's coming. You know, it could be jealousy. It could be overwhelming. You have to go a bit deeper than just—

On the labeling side, are you, at least as you're doing the work, are you consciously trying to label it correctly? So, 'cause I like, 'cause the reason I say this, 'cause sometimes I feel like we can label things in a more of a victim mindset versus, or are you just trying to say what's in the body?

Well, you know, I think that's okay. Because of the next step.

Okay.

So you may feel like the victim, and you might— maybe the answer, maybe it's, I feel attacked. The I is for identifying triggers, and that is the key piece. So it could be as simple as, I didn't sleep well last night. It's really hot. I'm hot out here. Maybe I'm in a crowd, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm hangry.

I'm hangry, you know, maybe it's just a lot of sounds, you're overstimulated, or, a lot of noise that's just happening. So there could be small little triggers.

Yeah.

Or it could be something like, I'm feeling attacked because of that tone of voice. That tone of voice reminds me of the way that I was spoken to as a child. I mean, that's going a bit deeper.

Yeah.

But it could be something that, okay, there is now a reason. I've become a detective, which those first 3 steps are essentially metacognition that's getting you out of your amygdala, into your full brain and being able to connect those pieces. And so, while you're doing that, you can, you know, have a lot of emotions at the same time. But you're starting to— being that detective allows for more of that empathy piece.

Yeah.

And that connection piece. And so, now you are— being angry and empathetic at the same time is just next to impossible to do. So, you're starting to say, okay, now I understand what's happening. Now that I know what's happened, I've identified it, identified all of this, I'm gonna move into the G for ground. Now I'm gonna ground myself. Again, it could be as simple as taking a sip of water that resets the central nervous system. My favorite's 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding, but maybe I don't have time for that. Maybe I'm naming 3 things that are yellow. I could be saying this out loud, I could be saying this to myself depending on where I am. Maybe I need to, like you do with your, your partner, you move to another room.

Yeah.

And you need to just take a minute. You need to breathe, Put both feet on the floor, maybe you're outside, take your shoes off, ground yourself.

Grass works great for me.

Yes, whatever, you know, your grounding technique that works best for you in that moment, you ground yourself. And then the N is for nurture. That is the biggest piece. This is where, again, that empathy piece comes in. And we have to remind ourselves, I'm only human. I get upset, I make mistakes, and that's okay. I'm a good person, or I'm a good parent, I'm a good boss, I'm good at my job, I'm good at what I do. And working through all of that, you know, as I'm talking, in the moment, less than 60 seconds.

Yeah.

It could be in 30 seconds that you're doing this, and you're just taking that moment of pause.

Yeah.

And that's gonna carry you so far to shift away from that true, just— From—

Anger. —reaction and response.

Anger-fueled reaction.

Yeah.

Yes, into a response that you wanna give.

Yeah.

Or if you think about, you know, you wait till the next day for an email.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's, it's that moment.

Yeah.

That simple moment where that's starting to build up, You're in, you're feeling that tension, and now you're able to say, okay, yeah, now I can think logically.

Yeah. I mean, one of the reasons that we, with, with the show specifically, we started getting more into this is because we realized this is the work that modifies behavior. You modify the behavior, you start modifying the outcomes. Most of us can't explain, fully explain or articulate, why do I keep doing the same things that I always do? I know, and it's because we can't recognize the underlying Exactly. Right. Um, I want to say that the huge portion of my 2023 and 2024, ironically, was after I sold a company and in theory had everything that you'd ever been chasing your entire life. And that's when I had this big awareness, oh crap, I've had this pattern that's literally been here for 40 years. Right. And I say that loosely because I find that— and this is something I'd love to get your take on too, because this is something that I try to balance. It's like, there's a, there's a component of under understanding, um, the influences, the environment, the, the experiences that you've been through in life, early life, early, like from 1 to 7, 7 to, you know, 10, 10 to 15, 15 to 20, like these different segments of life that, um, work on our nervous system largely unaware.

Mm-hmm.

Right? And then those become our adult behavior patterns. And those adult behavior patterns where, you know, we— it could be the endings of like, you're— I'm happily in love for a year and then all of a sudden it explodes. And that, that's a trend. Or I have— I built a successful company up to $1 million in revenue and then it all falls apart. And it happened multiple times. It's like trying to figure out what that pattern is, right? And understanding the pattern mechanisms. Um, because I find that, that Um, is almost like the, the element to be aware of. But at the same time, I don't want to catastrophize what's been there. So how do you evaluate or open the door to understanding how those patterns are formed so you can apply the Align Method, right? Uh, like proactively without creating, um, the word, the word that begins with R. What's the word I'm looking for? Come on back now. Come on, you're there. Come back, come back. Um, whenever, when your brain is just rehearsing the same things that have always happened.

Yes.

Um, like for me, like I had to get to a place where I, I, at least for me, it became a curious thing. I wanted to stand back and look at my life as a bit like a movie. Oh, oh, I'm just, I can see what the character's doing. Right. And that allowed me to move, move shame and guilt, like remove shaming, shame and guilt, because a lot of times I would beat myself up with mistakes that I made. I knew I made a mistake. Maybe I got to the place where I could apologize for them. Maybe I couldn't at that moment. But I knew I had done it. And then I would beat myself senselessly, you know, with shame and guilt. And it wasn't until I began loving parts of myself I used to resist that I used to actually get grounded and authentic and all the things. So how do you see— how do you see that world?

Oh, there's— there's so many things, of course, that I'm thinking in different directions. And when you said when you're kind of taking that step back and looking at your life, I am writing my own book around this align shift. And then I also did that before I wrote my children's book, what my— which I think this is— anyone should do this.

Yeah.

What my book coach suggested, you know, I was starting to doubt myself at the very beginning. What makes me qualified to talk about this? You know, and a lot of it is experience, a lot of it is research, you know, some courses in between and certifications, but it's a lot of life experience based. But she said, write, write down your own story. You know, start basically from birth and kind of just walk through. And easy to just get out your Notes app on your phone, talk to it, kind of talk through some things. And then you might even put that into ChatGPT or Claude, just trying to like dive in. Find a pattern. And I was actually doing some of that and then it And it was asking me additional questions, and it had me kind of dive a little bit further. And it was taking some certain experiences, and I was kind of reliving those, which can be very painful.

Mm-hmm.

But at the same time, it was allowing me to, to even stop and do that Align Method of what was happening in that exact moment for that person that then impacted my life or what I was feeling in those moments.

Yeah.

That's where this is not a— it's not a perfect solution because we have to do that work and people feel uncomfortable when you start to try new things.

Yes.

And so it's okay when it doesn't work every time. It's, as you even mentioned, the repair piece. It's then reflecting back and trying to understand what could I have done differently in that moment? And so if there was a very traumatic piece of your life, that nurture piece is going to help to stop those negative thoughts, to stop the replay that's continuing of, Beating yourself up over and over about what you said or how you said it, or that interaction with a friend from 20 years ago, because somehow they'll pop into my brain all of a sudden. You're like, oh wait, where did that come from?

Yeah, for sure.

But then that's where nurture is so important, of reminding yourself that you are a good person and you've come so far from them. And I think that the, the hindsight piece of it, from, you know, even the business pieces that you may have made mistakes on, The most I've learned about myself is from the mistakes I made in the past.

Yeah.

And they're so important to make.

Yeah.

And I know we try to, you know, shelter our children from some of those things, but yet I remind myself, the more mistakes that they make, the more they're going to learn. And I think that's just such an important thing of allowing yourself to come back to everything happens for a reason. I'm here for a reason. And if that in my life, and I look back to very traumatic moments, and things with certain family members that, you know, maybe they've apologized along the way. But I think, well, if that didn't happen, it never would have molded me into who I am today. And I would have never been at a crossroads to need to do the work.

Yeah.

I would have lived this, you know, probably very boring, mundane life that, you know, I probably would have gotten bored pretty quickly. But I also, wouldn't have learned anything.

Yeah.

And I wouldn't be who I am today. So you can't change any of that.

Yeah.

And yes, it can be painful to go down, but I think instead, push, push back, get that 360-degree view outside lens, and then that's gonna start to uncover, okay, that now makes sense. I, I get frustrated. And so in some of the workbooks I have, you're working through some of what those triggers might be, and you're writing down, okay, maybe I was triggered by this because of this incident that happened over here. And then another thing is this portion of my life. And now you're starting to pull in these pieces, and it helps you make sense of why you are the way that you are. And then also understand that you can break those cycles and patterns. Because if not, I'm yelling at my kids, I'm hearing my parents, you know, they're wonderful, wonderful people, been married 51 years. I mean, I adore both of them.

Yeah.

And they learn from their parents, you know, but it's just a generational thing that we have to break the cycle of how we parent The next generation hope of maybe less trauma, but who knows?

No, you're right. I mean, I think one of the biggest lies that we can believe is that at any stage of our life, right, is this lie, if you will, of, um, we're— what is it? I'm set in my ways. No, you're choosing to stay in your way. So that's, and that's how I see it. You're not set in your ways, you're choosing to stay in your way. Absolutely right. You're choosing—

just getting— now you're getting in your own way.

Exactly. And now, and now, you know, at least for me, what happens in those moments is you resist authentic opportunities and you continue to attract the opportunities that you really don't want, if you will. The weird dynamic partnerships in business, the weird culture in your business that you're trying to solve, the backbiting and fighting with your family when you don't really— that's not really at your heart what you really want, but you're like, well, I'm set in my ways. They got to come to— Um, so how do I position this? Uh, I've been through an experience before, uh, where a parent, um, would kind of phrase things, well, I'm set in my ways, right? And I'm unwilling to shift. I'm unwilling to learn. I'm unwilling to change. I'm unwilling to just become more aware. And as a result, they ended up pushing away the very relationship that they still to this day love and admire. So it's weird how we kind of shift things and get in our own way in general. Um, in regards to that, I don't know why I felt the need to tell that story. I do want to— now that I've shared that just mindless piece of— hopefully you guys got something from that, guys. Um, but I do want to maybe pivot a little bit. Um, because you, you, you— the work that you're doing now is not the work you were doing, what, 10, 20 years ago?

No.

Right? You were highly successful in corporate America, healthcare, and, and other things. You were leading teams and being part of massive teams. What, what caused this shift? Like, what, what was the moment that caused you to like really focus on aligning and shifting yourself? Because my experience has been the work that we end up doing with, with our life is typically the work that we are called to because we had to go through certain experiences to get there.

You know, and mine's interesting of being a bit of a longer journey, and I still am, you know, in the, the healthcare world. I've even shifted a little bit of that to align more with my own Yeah. Personal, um, just beliefs and, and kind of more holistic medicine married Eastern and Western medicine coming together. So I think there's the best of every world where you can learn from everything and kind of adapt. But I was diagnosed with ADHD at 25 years old, which is kind of a rare age. Usually it's either as a child or many adults, especially women, once they have children, whether it's perimenopause or It's just realizing that your child has now been diagnosed, and then you have an aha moment of, oh, wait, that's me. That can happen with men, women. A lot of parents will go through that. Mine was going from— I went to school for landscape architecture, going from a very vibrant studio setting in college where music's playing, I could come in hyper-focused, you know, bang out my work, and deliver great, efficient, like, wonderful work.

Yeah.

you know, kind of go on my way, but at my own pace and at my own time. And so getting into the working world initially was painfully boring for me. And so I thought, okay, there might be something else going on. Talked to my doctor, but he's like, here, here's some medication, you know, that's it. Come see me once a month for your prescription. That's it. And so I didn't really understand fully what ADHD was or what that meant or why it had gone unnoticed. until I had children. And then my oldest started showing some early signs, really of giftedness first, where he was surpassing milestones, which is a very weird conversation to have with anyone. Feels like you're bragging. Oh, my child's like walking at 9 months old. You know?

Yeah.

It's just an odd place to be. And, but yet we were starting to see closer to about 2 years old, some more explosions of, things happening at school, incident reports, you know, various things. And I spoke with a friend of mine who's an OT in the school system, and she said, you know, I don't know if you've ever thought about him being gifted. You know, you might want to look for some sensory processing things, maybe ADHD along the road. So I went into that rabbit hole, despite the fact that, you know, I had previously been diagnosed.

Yeah.

You know, didn't research anything at that time. Was like, great, this medication is going to help me. Perfect. I don't need to work. I don't need to do anything else to work on myself. And I was pretty even keel until I had children, and I'm sleep deprived. And, you know, now I have— my oldest is 3. I have my second child. There were some things where we were like, from a sensory standpoint with sensory processing disorder, we were like, I don't know. Had the second child, exacerbated his symptoms.

Mm-hmm.

We were like, oh, gosh, what's going on? Then the pandemic hits. And it is just, okay, now I have a 4-month-old at home, a 3-and-a-half-year-old at home. What are we gonna do? My husband and I are high-fiving each other in the hallway going from, you know, conference call to—

I love to mean it.

Yeah, yeah. Conference call to conference call. Like, I'm taking— that was when Zoom on camera was really born. And so, I'm taking calls from bed because I have to— it's the door that locks.

Yeah.

So, the kids aren't coming in and nap time for the other one. And I just got— and then I I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, and I just hit this kind of rock bottom point of complete exhaustion, you know, yelling, just both kids not sleeping. It was a complete mess. And I was in the shower, and I had this thought of, what is my purpose? Why am I here? And got out of the shower that day, wrote my first children's book, opened my Notes app.

Yeah.

You know, my husband comes in, he's like, what are you doing? Why are you taking so long to get ready? I'm like, I just wrote a book. He's like, who— what does that? Like, that's—

I do.

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you know, you know. He's like— and then he's like, I'm not surprised.

Yeah.

But that kind of sparked my journey. But I still was trying to uncover exactly what all of it meant. I was diving into things for my son still. Writing became very cathartic. It was a way to express my emotions. It was a way to channel how I felt as a child. But yet, there was still this missing piece.

Yeah.

And I'm reading all the books. You know, I'm consuming all the information, taking the positive parenting courses. Not a single person ever sat me down and said, you need to work on your own emotional regulation. Yeah, you're solving all the problems for him.

Yeah.

You're not solving anything for you. And if you can't stay calm, how is he supposed to stay calm?

Yeah.

And there was even a moment at a stoplight when he was probably around 3 or so. And I guess I, I guess I was— I would get frustrated and I'd say like, come on, come on, like, as traffic is, you know, you need to push them. And then later, I hear him something like with toys, he's playing with toys and talking to his brother, come on, come on, come on. And I'm like, he's literally saying exactly what I'm saying when I'm frustrated in the car. They are a mirror of us. They're taking on everything we're saying. He's a little sponge and absorbing. And I can't continue down this path of screaming and yelling and just being so frustrated. How is that gonna help him?

Mm-hmm.

And so, it's still a work in progress, but it was born out of just a very low point of, I can't do this anymore. And it's still taken more and more and more to uncover because, you know, we're talking 40-plus years of trauma and other things that I'm trying to really dive into now. And it's painful and it's difficult to do. And so I think we're all a work in progress and open to that change. But you have to hit that kind of low point to say something— this isn't working.

Yeah, I always say there's 2 ways to learn. There's your own experiences or by the experiences of others. Um, it seems like to me the experience of others is the least painful of the pathways. Um, but it takes a certain level of humility to do it.

Yes.

Right. And saying, hey, I, I realize, and this is where that the awareness piece, um, that you mentioned with the Align Method, uh, as well, the Align Shift, that I think makes it so powerful because most of us are kind of like on autopilot, right? Most of us don't stop long enough to get out of autopilot. Um, I had to develop a morning morning practice, if you will, that my first 15 minutes goes to nobody but my spiritual awareness, if you will, my emotional, like me and God, me and a journal, me on the grass. And, if I didn't do that, then I would automatically transition back to autopilot.

Yeah.

So, I had to consciously disrupt what had always been autopilot for me. Um, and, you know, as I'm thinking about this transition and how instrumental— not even just understanding more about yourself, but also it's just watching the same behavior patterns or watching the same patterns in general with your children— that kind of awakening, like, oh, oh, oh, to me that's an exciting stage. And it's really scary for a lot of people.

Yes.

Right? Because it is, you know, when, when you do go to confront the very things that are actually standing in your way, No matter if they're big T's or little t's, it's very uncomfortable. Um, but at the same time, I'm always trying to like coach the audience. I'm like, do it anyway. I call it walking into the forge willingly. Like, because I— what I've discovered is, is the longer that you take to face it, like whatever it is, it could be a variety of things, right? Different layers. Like family systems calls them different layers of your, your identity yourself, right? Um, And, but long— true and truly, it just— well, I guess Tony Robbins said it persists. Like, what you resist persists. I guess that's that. There it is in short form. But, you know, for me, it wasn't until I actually quote unquote threw myself into the work, if you will. I called it the— I call it the work, right?

That's the work.

Of, you know, what works? What do I need to be aware of I'm not aware of, right? When I become aware of it, what do I need to do with it? And I say, what do I need to do with it? How do I— what do I need to do with it in a healthy manner, a mature manner, right? How can I— and now the Align actually gives me like a frame, a frame of reference for that. So yeah, I just— it's a really interesting time and space in this world. Hey there, I hope you're enjoying the episode. Look, I love making great content for you, but more importantly, we like creating great resources. So before we get you back in the episode, I want to make you aware of the Aligned Leader Index, which you can find at stephenscoggins.com/leadership. This is a one-of-a-kind tool that I wish I had when I was actually building and scaling my own organizations. Why? Because a lot of times the bottlenecks that we think are actually in our way are not really the bottlenecks that are actually in our way. And what the cool thing about this specific thing is, it's going to let you know what the number one constraint is internally. The number one driver that's actually in your way or being disrupted, where chaos and dysfunction are showing up. And number 3, probably most important, where your leadership blind spot likely is. So if you're tired of your business actually running you and you want to take operational control over your organization, make sure you take complete advantage of the Align Leader Index. It takes 5 to 7 minutes and it'll give you instant clarification on the thing that's holding you back right now. Let's get back to the show. One of the things that's, uh, that's coming up for me right now is when it comes to leaders, right? And when I say leaders, you're— you can be leading a home, you could be leading a business, you could be leading both, right? You could be leading whatever. You're lead— you're leading. People depend on you for aspiration, inspiration, and activation, right? They depend on you, right? Why do we— why do you feel like we tend to hide I would call it dysfunction or dysregulation. Why do we wanna hide it so much?

Oh, and I love that you're asking, 'cause as you're talking about this, I was just thinking that during that entire timeframe that I just mapped out for you, I got a promotion, continuing to lead, not showing it. Nobody had any idea. My boss did know. I did tell him about the Lyme disease because I was having to go through some—

Treatments, that's right.

Yeah. it causes a Herx reaction. And so, I didn't know how sick I was going to get. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad, but it also didn't— it kind of made me worse and didn't really, like, took me up from my baseline that was already not great. So, I still, you know, feel like I get hit by a bus every morning.

Yeah.

But I still, you know, get out of bed and keep going. So, nobody else is seeing this just complete dysfunction that's happening in our daily household. They are seeing the person who shows up who looks poised, everything's put together, starts leading, is, you know, doing business with— across the country. Nobody has a clue.

Yeah.

And so, I mean, I think there's just so much shame that we— it's just instilled in us from very early on, whether it's how we grew up, and even it starts in a classroom. The classroom's not built for a neurodivergent brain.

Yeah. It is built for discipline and, you know, That's why I don't like the traditional school system anymore, is because it's not built for the uniqueness that every human being on the planet has.

Yeah, it's not. And so from that early age, you are told that if you do not sit still, you are trouble, you are labeled a bad child, you know. And that is whether it's something that is just innate with us, if we have those feelings of shame and overwhelm, I think that's a big piece of neurodivergency.

Well, I'm assuming you start feeling not enoughness.

All the time. And that's a big piece of the neurodivergent brain in and of itself. You know, we're wired differently. We learn differently. We behave differently. We interpret the world differently. It's louder. It's bigger. It's brighter for us.

Yeah.

And so while that element of shame might not be that difficult for someone who's neurotypical, for someone who is has ADHD, is gifted, autism, whatever they might have, there's an element of rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And so you can have RSD that is associated with it. And that is where, you know, the extreme just internal conflict of not feeling like enough, feeling like maybe everyone's talking about you or, you know, doesn't love you. So you were taught to put on a show.

Yeah, I call it performance.

I mean, yeah, and like, and I feel like performative is becoming— A really—

For 3 decades.

Yeah. I mean, it's become a big word more recently of just, you know, are they being performative? Well, we're all being performative at some way. I'm getting up for a presentation.

That's a good point.

In front of an entire board. Of course I'm performing. I am putting on my best face and foot forward to represent my company, and I'm going to sell this.

Yeah.

I mean, we all have to do that.

Yeah.

it doesn't mean it's inauthentic because it's something that maybe we still really wholeheartedly believe in. And I think that's where we have to give ourselves maybe a little bit of a break and have that nurturing piece come in. But we also have to realize that when we have bigger brains that are just going 100 miles an hour, that rejection piece is huge. And so little things can feel much bigger to us.

Yeah.

I mean, even things like, A lot of people are excited about their birthday coming up, but people who are neurodivergent might think, well, here's the list of people who I didn't hear from, you know? Or, you know, it might just bring in some element of that shame. And so you just put on this face. And then now technology and social media and all of that coming into our psyche of everything looks in this picture-perfect world. And now people are looking for more of that authenticity and talking more about it.

Yeah.

Is why, for me, especially, especially with my ADHD, I would never, um, you know, I always dabble in many— I know a little about a lot.

Me too.

You know, versus like this, you know, one thing that I know so much about. But when it comes to ADHD, that's the one thing, and just the neurodivergent brain and emotional regulation, that I can't seem to walk away from because it's helping me at the same time. And I'm so curious about it. And my curiosity has always kept me going. And that's, I think, you know, an important piece to then also be transparent. And I've seen the teams that have worked really well in business are where that leader is authentic and transparent with their team. Even if there's something going on, even at the higher, you know, the board level, it might be, all right, guys, like, maybe it's not all the details, but there's something happening. You know, you just all need to be aware and have that trust.

Yeah.

And so then you're able to feel more and more like yourself, and And that's going to regulate your emotions more than anything else, of feeling like you're not walking into a space where you are completely performative.

Yeah, that's so good. It had me thinking too that, you know, the answer for me, the answer for guilt and shame in any moment is grace. Like, yes, not— I think, I think one of the things we do, we get— we confuse what's in our control versus what's not. And, and then we also confuse what we should be responsible for versus what we shouldn't And to me, being responsible is like being responsible for your own growth.

Right.

Right? Like being okay, okay, I snapped, I shouldn't have snapped. I, I, I self-abandoned, I shouldn't have self-abandoned. I over-functioned and I shouldn't have over— like, and being like, okay, okay, that's one instance. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it differently next time. And that starts that transition. I want to, um, out of curiosity, what is— and maybe there's an answer for this, maybe there's not— what is the percentage of I guess percentage of those maybe that we— that can be measured, because I guarantee most of it can't be measured, but percentage of the population that would be considered neurodivergent versus neurotypical?

Oh, that's a good question. I don't know a specific percentage off the top of my head, more of hereditary, I would say that's 88% of those that, you know, that it is hereditary and passed down, whether that's, you know, from a grandparent. But typically, it's, you know, gone on diet.

It makes me wonder if it's in the DNA or if it's actually in the pattern of growth. Because you're modeling the people in front of you.

There is very early stages of research that I learned about within the last 2 weeks that are around a chromosome element of it. I had been asked before, like, could you take a blood test and see? No, but on my EEG, can technically someone who understands how to read it in that capacity, it might be different than a neurologist is reading it.

Yeah.

But, yes, you can see patterns of the brain that are going to show you, especially where you have this very high beta that's happening kind of in that frontal lobe and the distribution of those brainwaves are not happening throughout, you can really see. I mean, they were able to see the inflammation from Lyme disease The pattern that looks like an avocado, that is my mold toxicity. They could see here on my son, this is where migraines live. I actually had the migraine piece. I think I get more of the aura and not as much of the headache. They could see in there, and this is where the Align really comes into play, that I had negative thought patterns, and they could tell that I had— it was of the past.

Okay.

And so, as I'm continuing the nurture piece, That's immediately, for me, I no longer have negative thoughts. I, of course, I have them come up.

Yeah.

And then I will combat those very quickly, where before I would let them spiral, and it would be like, I couldn't get that conversation out of my head. And now I'm able to nurture that and move past it. And I can literally see scientifically the change.

I wonder if you're— so this is what happens with me. So I wonder if this is your nurture in action. If I have a negative thought or pattern come up, I say, hey, I see you. I appreciate you. But we're— I'm this old now. We have this to show for it. This is not true. Here's the reframe.

Yep.

Is that essentially universal?

Oh, 100%. Yes. And I think that's the biggest piece is being able to reframe that. And, you know, even you talked about the control piece earlier. All of that's stemming from fear.

Yeah.

When you're trying to control—

I was gonna go to fear.

When you're trying to control more of those scenarios, You know, and then you're not taking that moment to understand how to reframe. You're just trying to play— almost plan your life so—

Yeah.

Intensely in every moment of every day, or, you know, in the controlling piece of your children. You have to, like, be able to just stop and be aware of those patterns. Because I can sit here and be like, oh, I know I do this and that, you know, it's stemming from this, or I did this because my dad did that, or my mom did this, or, you know, my brother, whatever influence I had. And I can I've changed it in this way, or maybe that's now a quality that I like about myself, where I was too talkative in class. I may have gotten a demerit or two going to Catholic school for talking. I literally had a teacher in my junior year—

But I would say God wired you that way.

Yeah, I mean, my precalculus class, and my teacher wrote me—

It's hard for you to communicate.

She wrote me a bad recommendation for college that said, She's very, very smart, but she likes to talk a lot in class. I'm like, my guidance counselor was like, we're not going to send that one. I'm like, yeah, I don't think I'll get accepted. That's wild. But now I have to talk everywhere I go. And it's a tool. It's a tool in a room of people that maybe some people are more introverted. You're welcome. Because now I had one of my girlfriends, actually the same one that is the OT that mentioned she's She said, I'm thankful for you in these conversations where maybe it's— I'm with her and then there's 2 people we don't know. She's like, thank you for carrying the conversation. She also has ADHD, but she is a bit more, you know, gets a little bit more anxious and nervous in those conversations. So it's a blessing and a curse.

Well, I mean, I would argue that— or not argue, I would say the same thing. This is where culture, I think, gets in our way because I think culture gets in our way Because we can't respect the individuality of how each person was gifted or made. You know, it's funny, with ADHD, I can't stand the word disorder. Oh yeah, because the word disorder itself— I've— I used to do, uh, um, 3-day intensives with a, a, uh, with an organization at the USO called Warrior Reset, right? And this guy would come— there were several of them. I had the gentleman come up in front of me as a science expert for, you know, military, done, you know, And specialize in post-traumatic stress disorder. And I would watch the countenance on the faces of many of the service personnel who were either getting ready to transition out or they just got recently back from being deployed. And they would be upbeat because before that speaker, there'd be other things going on. They'd be upbeat and whatever. And as soon as he would say, there's no— basically he was saying, there's no hope for you, right? Their countenance would just like this. So I would always go, you know, typically had— was following this particular person, and I was like, I don't believe in the word disorder at all, right? I do not believe in it. I believe you can shift and change and whatever and mold. And the brain is neuroplastic— has neuroplasticity. You can literally do anything. You may have a giant rock over here— like, I'm using a weird frame of reference—

Yes.

But a giant rock over here, and if you really want to and you really want to put the effort in, you can build a bridge around the rock.

Yeah.

Right? Science has shown that with the brain.

Yeah, absolutely.

Right? And so when it comes to like ADHD, which I also have been gifted with, and I use the word gifted because it's that and dyslexia became a superpower.

Yeah, it truly is.

And so now I look at it as different, right? Attention deficit different. Yeah, I'm just different. And it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's a superpower.

Yeah. And even the attention piece, it's not the inability to pay attention. It's the inability to filter out, 'cause we walk into, you know, a neurotypical person walks into this room and says, you know, maybe there's something written here. You're gonna, you know, grab whatever it is, sit down. You and I walk in and we are seeing every color. That person's wearing this shirt. That person's tapping here. You know, We're getting all the information at one time. So our brain is trying to figure out how to decipher what do we pay attention to. And then you find the thing that drives you and that you love, because once you do—

Now it's hyperattention.

Yes, we're very interested in the things we love. We just get bored by things that we don't. And that's different for me as it is for you.

Yeah, I dig it. No, it's one of the reasons I love this subject matter is because, again, I'm always I'm always very curious about what causes behavior, right? Because when, when I'm, when I'm working with people or businesses, um, a lot of times, um, everyone knows there's something that's not right or not working. Very few have been able to say, this is why it's not working. And one of the gifts that we have is we come in and we say, well, this, this is why this is not working, and this is what needs to shift if you want it to work, right? Of course, they have to make— they have their own agency, they get to make their own choices and all this kind of stuff. And, you know, I, when I, when I consider what, what this type of work, this work, the reason we platform these types of conversations on the show is because this is what drives behavior.

Yeah.

Right. And if you'll, if you'll focus on the things that drive the behavior, the behavior will change and the results will follow. Right. You want a stronger marriage? Great. Change the behavior by working on yourself. Right. You want to change your business? Great. Hey, let's start by working on the behavior by working on yourself.

Right.

Right. And then it's, it's, it's— I don't know, I don't know what, what universal law we would call it, but it's, you know, that there's truth in it. Uh, Wayne Dyer, I love his work. Like, I used to— like, I'm a big Wayne Dyer fan. Um, discovered him, I don't know, probably 10 years ago. Um, before he, you know, obviously I think he'd already passed by that point. But when he says, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change That has been an absolute truth.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Right? So how do you see yourself? How do you, how do you see others? How do you, how do you see the mix? Um, let's, let's go down a rabbit hole that I know you're like super, super, super dialed in on, and that is the rabbit hole of parenthood. Because many of our high capacity leaders, they, they follow the show because they wanna do better in business, wanna do better in their careers. Maybe they want a better relationship. Very few of them are going one, one or two steps further. So let's maybe position a little, because I know you spent a lot of time and energy, um, a lot— have a lot of experience here. Um, maybe— I don't know, there's lots of many different ways. So neurotypical, neurodivergent, we have— we have probably have both these types of leaders watching right now, and they probably both have families.

Absolutely.

And they probably both have children that are one or the other, cross-referencing. Um, what can we do to help them feel more confident in the way in which they're showing up at home and leading their home? And I'll tell you what, we'll just do one at a time. We'll stop— we'll start there.

Yeah, um, I mean, I think that's where the Align Shift is very adaptable to your home environment, your business environment. And that's an opportunity, whether it's a teenager that you have and you're trying to understand the hormones and what's happening in their brains. Yeah, if you have smaller children, uh, my, my boys are, uh, gonna soon be 7 and 10. So, difficult ages is 1st and 5th grade, you know, for both.

Yeah.

And just the different experiences they're having. And I had a question that was presented to me the other day of, well, you know, why do you think just the way that children respond or seem to be so, what you call, defiant now than they were back then? Or maybe they just need a little more discipline, or, you know, why are they being disrespectful? Those are constant things that I hear. Taking that moment with the Align to understand what is some of the underlying trigger for them and think through it, if it, you know, putting yourself in their shoes, 'cause you start to get overwhelmed because of their attitude, you know, and you're like, wait a minute, okay, so I'm feeling that. Now I'm gonna name that. Now I'm gonna name it for them too.

Yeah.

I bet they're feeling, wonder what ha— and so I'll dig deeper with my kids and be like, well, what happened at school today? And, you know, then I might come to find out from the little one, you know, so-and-so wouldn't play with me at recess or wouldn't sit with me at lunch or called me a mean kid.

Which is a big deal for their age-appropriate nature.

Totally.

Yeah.

Yes. The older one, it could be kind of similar, or it's usually some sort of friendship conflict that's happening, even for teenagers.

Yeah.

Whether it's, you know, girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever that dynamic is, it is usually— that's their whole world right now.

Yeah.

And then taking that moment to step back and then adding that layer of social media in there as well. A lot of times they're not trying to be disrespectful, especially if they are neurodivergent. And we hear that immediate tone and disrespect, and then we go into that, you know, kind of laying down the law.

Yeah.

And instead being able to pause, understand, and be a detective on what's going on with them. and then nurture them.

Yeah.

And either— like, I, a lot of times, because from my own experience, Alex, my son right now is in the stage of ADHD. How do you think it's a superpower? This is not a superpower. This is my, you know, disability and these, you know, things. And I'm trying to explain to him the world that you can see, how fast your brain works, all these positive things. So he's not quite seeing it now.

Mm-hmm.

But that's a big piece of where it comes off as this disrespectful thing. And a lot of it is impulsivity with him. And it's him keeping it together all day long, coming home, letting it all out, no matter what age you are. And so the version, we're coming home from work, kids are coming home from school, what's happening between that 5 and, you know, 9 PM timeframe? All hell's breaking loose. I mean, that is like, for every single person in that household, you've had a long workday, had a long school day, and now everyone has like—

They wanna exhale. Everybody wants to exhale.

Yes, the clothes, every— you know, everything's come off. And it could be a good day. It could be a bad day, depending on how your day or their day went. But holding that grace, that empathy, and not knowing what someone else has gone through that day, You can't just immediately have and set this expectation.

Yeah.

That everything's going to go perfectly.

Yeah.

And I think that's where we get into trouble because our brain will say, oh, I just want it to be like a calm and peaceful evening. And then it's not. And then we get—

Yeah. See, I discovered that I do that 10 minutes before I walk in, walk into the property. Like I take my 10 minutes before I go in. It could be a meeting, it could be a family environment. Like I take my 10 minutes, like I shut the radio, like I turn the radio off. I'll ride in the car. quiet, right?

And that's your exact— that's exactly what you should do.

Yeah.

You need to take that pause in between transitions, 'cause as much as we are just running from place to place and sprinting, I feel like constantly, oh, now the clock, like, I gotta go pick the kids up, or gotta go run to this appointment or do that. We're not stopping in between. And even things like chewing gum is a good way to transition yourself, or, you know, having something sour. Those are kind of small transitions, but doing the aligned very quickly right before you go in so that you can say, okay, how am I feeling in this moment? That, and then you do that grounding technique, that's going to regulate you. And before you're entering in that room, and you can also teach your children the same thing.

I was going to go there next. Um, Katie, she does a beautiful— the kids actually have language. Like, they're— her boys are, um, 9 and 12. Okay. And both of them can say, I Blank. I need— like, uh, the oldest child, um, will literally say, I need to go color regularly. He uses a different term, regularly, but he needs to— like, he wants to go work with, like, be kinesthetic with his hands somewhere, or wants to be by himself for a few minutes. And it's really beautiful to watch because I've watched, uh, several times— because, you know, raising children is chaotic in its own nature, right? Um, I've watched several times the oldest child come back to his mom and apologize. Hey, I was— I realized I was feeling this way. I'm sorry I took it out on you. I didn't, I didn't mean to. And one of the, one of the things that I've seen that I have not seen prior, prior to this relationship, uh, with parenting specifically, is that she does a wonderful job of modeling what a regulated status looks like regardless of what dysregulation is showing up for the kids.

She's a gem.

She is. She's amazing. She literally is amazing.

Don't let her go.

It doesn't mean she doesn't I need to go lock myself in my room for an hour. Like, she doesn't need to go, like, step away after the fact, but she does a beautiful job of that.

And then they do model after their parents. I mean, that's where I've seen my son come, because the repair is the biggest piece where I'll say, and there's no buts, it's I telling him, I am sorry for yelling. Mommy was upset about something, didn't even have anything to do with, you know, you. Mommy, I love you. You know, and I'm— I am really sorry. There is no but you did this. Yeah, but you did that. There's no blame. It is 100% onus. And I've had— a podcast I was on probably a year ago or so asked me that question. I think they knew the answer they wanted to hear.

Sure.

But she asked me and just said, well, there's some controversy. Like, if you're apologizing to your child, you know, now you're coming out of that authority figure. And I said, no, you're showing them how to hold themselves accountable. You're teaching them accountability, and they will start to model it. And being able to say what you're feeling— my oldest started getting a lot of anxiety over the summer. and, and had, I guess, a panic attack. He didn't have the words for panic attack. He had the words to explain to me what happened and explain why he was behaving in that way.

He also felt safe enough to do so.

Exactly.

That's important.

So I've created that space that's allowed for him to be, and we were out of town at my parents' house. And so he called me into my old bedroom, you know, childhood bedroom.

That's cute.

He said, you know, this is how I was feeling. And I explained what it was. was. And now we can work through that and he can come to me right when they're— if they're starting or if they're happening. And I think that's such an important piece too. I wouldn't have known. He would've been very good at hiding it. I would've thought it was just another—

I said we were trained to hide it.

Yeah. I thought it was this dysregulated disassociation that we had made, the same thing maybe we had seen before. Because he actually asked me, he said, and sometimes if we're in the neighborhood, And they're amped up, I'll tell the kids like, get out and run home.

Yeah.

And so this was a point and he's like, can I get out and run? And I said, yeah, absolutely. And then later he said, so that by the time we got home, he was now calm. He was ready to talk and have that conversation and tell me.

He got the energy out of the body.

And he said, Mom, I didn't, it wasn't my normal, like I've got energy and I needed to run. It was that I was feeling like I couldn't breathe. And so I needed air. And so that's why I got out. And so He was able to explain that as a 9-year-old.

Yeah.

And understanding.

It's really strong.

Which, you know, it goes such a long way.

Yeah, well, it does, but it also takes, and this is where I have both empathy and constructive feedback for parents after I've done it wrong and I've done it right. I've done it both ways, right? And the wrong way is, I had a long day at work. I'm overwhelmed. I don't really want to deal with this. I'm just going to shut this down, right? Um, I've shared on, on the platform several times that one of the things that I realized I was doing, even with the whole present when you're not— be present when you're present thing, was every time I was doing something else and I would make them wait or I would squash, I was saying that whatever this is is more important than you, right? And I love them more than I love the other Right. Right. And for some reason, we get this twisted up in a weird kind of way. And then now I understand the— and I understand this for relationships, I understand this for business, I understand this for family. It's like creating space. Create the safe place, the safe space. And the fact— the thing that was one of the things that was coming up as you were sharing how you've managed to create space Um, and these types of environments, because this is what people really— they want, they want to have. Oh, I just want my, my child to come talk to me, right? And but the child has to have language in order to have the ability to come talk to you, right? Right. Which requires you as a parent to lead and say, hey, look, this is what safety feels like, and like model it and things like that. Um, what— I'm sorry, my ADHD brain is going all over the place.

It's great. I'm, I'm tracking. Mine's right, mine's right alongside you.

All right. So, one of the things I know that you've done before we go to our rapid-fire round, first of all, thank you for stepping in and doing this kind of work. I think the world needs it. I'm super grateful you're one of the partners in trying to make this happen because I know that when you regulate better, everything behind it gets better. I know that. But, as we started the show off with, one of the things I think we all suffer with is awareness of it. I know you created an Align tool, a I'd love for you to share with the audience where they can get that before the book comes out as well. It took me like, I don't know, 5 or 6 minutes. It wasn't even that long.

Yes.

And we had great feedback at the end of it.

Yeah, so just my website, it's Sarah, S-A-R-A, Lewis Hartley, L-E-W-I-S-H-A-R-T-L-E-Y, .com. And then, you know, following me on Instagram as well, @SarahLewisHartley. So there's—

Great content, by the way.

Oh, so there's a free download for the 60-second reset guide of the Align Shift. There's your Align trigger pattern that will come with a short 4-email series that essentially will tell you more and dive into some of those trigger patterns. It's tricky because you might be more than one, but it's gonna be which one, you know, kind of shows up the most for you. That's where you start. Exactly, and that's where you start. And then on my website as well is where all my children's books are, as you talk about, How do you continue to teach this at a younger age? And so, you know, they're more elementary school based. It's a classroom of children. There's 14 in total. I have 6 that are published now. I'm working on the 7th.

Let's go.

But each child has, you know, a different thing they're dealing with. So I might have to hit you up when I am gonna have the dyslexia one come out.

Let's go. I'll do it.

That's number 8.

If you saw my text messages and emails by now, you know, you know it's real.

So for me, I always like to push the envelope with hard topics. And so So it's, you know, there's death, divorce, ADHD, autism, bullying.

I call that life.

Yeah, it's all of those where each child is given their perspective. They start with, what is my purpose? Why am I here? There's a conflict. And then by the end, they restate that. You know, it's like, is it this or that? They restate that at the end. And there's discussion questions and like a glossary of terms. And so the psychologists and therapists that have read it, they've said, you know, I see myself in this book and I see, you know, my daughter in this other book.

Yeah.

And, or friends of mine that have bought them that don't have children.

Yeah.

Especially for the ADHD brain, it's very easy to have as an easy read. Mine is one that I'm very math-brained, but also very creative. And so if it's not interesting, it's boring for me to read. So this is also a way to maybe discover a little bit more about yourself as well through some of those kind of reflection questions. So, you know, that's a great place to find those resources. And there's some workbooks and things as well to work through, depending on if it's relationships, or just as an adult, or as a parent, or as a child, there's workbooks for kids as well.

I love it. Love it. Again, you're doing wonderful work. I'm so glad you stepped into it. It's funny, I, again, I say that the work that we're actually called to do eventually calls us to it.

It does.

But we have to go through all the other work first, right, to get there. But—

And when you're ready, when you're ready is when It comes, you know.

Well, and going back to regulation super fast, uh, Henry Amar is a good friend of mine. He was instrumental in my last major shift, um, him and Paul and Jody, a couple other coaches I had. And, um, he said, Stephen, you realize when this stuff comes up, it's actually coming up to be dealt with. It's an invitation. And he said much— I think he pulled this from the— because he's certified in family systems and things, um, when you repress it, it's like all you're doing is pushing a beach ball underwater. It just comes up with more force. So it's like, it's an invitation. Let's go ahead and step into it. I call it, you know, that's where the walking the boards willingly came from. But anyway.

Which is so important for parents too, to realize that we just want to kind of stop those emotions. Letting them sit in those for a little bit and helping them work through that is going to be so important for it not to happen to them later, where that ball is bouncing quickly to the surface and completely exploding.

All right, rapid fire. We got about 10 minutes left, so I'm gonna rapid fire some questions. Super, super quick questions, super quick answers. First thing pops in your mind. Okay, ready? All right, number 1, shut down or over-function? Which one do you, which one do you typically present?

Over-function, very much so.

Okay, most under-regulated regulation tool?

Oh, that's a good one. Oh, oh gosh, there's one That name it to tame it.

Name it. All right, unpack that for me just a little bit.

It's, uh, where you just name the child's emotion to tame their emotion, but like, that's not helping them do anything.

Okay. All right, one word for your 10-year-old self.

Oh, charismatic.

Okay. Why not?

I just had, I mean, I had that a bit of a bolder energy then. And I'm definitely very curious.

Nice. Love it. All right. The lie high performers tell themselves. One lie.

That they're the best. There's nobody out there that like almost untouchable.

Yeah. We, we, in our constraint methodology, we call that arrogance. Arrogance. Yes. Sometimes arrogance shows up as, I'll just do it myself. Yes. All right. What do you, uh, let's see, what do you do in 60 seconds before a hard conversation?

Align shift.

Yeah. Love it. You guys can go back to the beginning and middle of the episode and you guys get that. We'll put it in the show notes as well. Um, and you can also follow Sarah and actually take the quiz. That'll be super helpful for you guys. All right. Uh, one book. that changed how you lead that's not yours?

I absolutely love Dr. Dan Sullivan. Okay. Or Dr. Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan. Okay. I feel like that's the first business book that I, I love. 10X Is Easier Than 2X, The Gap and the Gain. The Gap and the Gain is probably the most instrumental for me. Mm-hmm. But it was the first time where I felt like psychology. Mm-hmm. And your own emotions were brought into business. Mm-hmm. At least for me and, and what I read. Um, so I I love all of their books. And they also, you can listen to them and they both are talking in them. So it sounds like you're listening to a podcast.

Yeah.

So I love those on my morning walk.

All right. Coffee or quiet?

Quiet.

Love it. Yeah. Regulation people.

Yes.

All right. Lion or lamb? Which one comes easier? I think we already discussed it, but—

I mean, the lion. It's unfortunate. I'm a Leo. So like, There's so much about me that is, is lion. But I think that the older and more mature I'm getting, my, my lamb comes out for sure.

Well, I think that— I think I'll call that maturity. Like, you know, it's— again, I know you've watched a couple episodes of what we do, and so much of the lion and the lamb has mature and immature qualities, right? A lion, you can be over— like, overzealous, controlling the whole deal, or you can be protective and courageous and all the things. Um, and what I've discovered is, is the more mature I— the more authentic I have become, um, the easier it is to integrate the mature versions of both of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I love it. All right, one final question. What is one thing that's been on your heart, mind that you've wanted to discuss but you have yet to be asked a question on?

Um, probably just the, the role of other layers of things like Lyme disease and things that kind of impact what you're doing.

Yeah.

And I think that's what, again, as we talked about how you go to work, you show up, you, you know, you, you look the part.

Yeah.

And no one's really aware of what's going on underneath the surface. And I think there's almost a way that you can try to trick your brain into that. So I always try to look better than I feel because Lyme disease is such a big piece of my life. And so, while I'm painfully, painfully exhausted, I am still trying to show up. I think without my children, I might not have as big of an excuse where they're coming in early. They're gonna be up whether I am or not.

Yeah.

Where I probably need more rest than I do. But, you know, finding in all of that, we all have something. And whether that is ADHD, whether that is an autoimmune disease or a chronic illness, or trauma, finding that community and connection with other people who are going through the same thing, I think is so powerful. And that's really the main reason why I'm doing this.

Yeah.

Because I do sit back at that very— and look at that very curious and charismatic little girl. And I think, what if she would have had all of those tools? And what if while she was showing up and almost felt awkward being her authentic self then, there was still a lot of anxiety that was harbored under the surface, and things that she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone about. And so, what I wanna create is that community to share with one another, and talk to one another, and have someone just feel a little bit less alone in their own brains, in their own bodies, no matter what age they are.

Yeah.

And have that community and connection piece that, that can be missing from a lot of our lives. And so just, you know, having— holding that grace and empathy for people is so important.

I love it. Well, as we wrap up the show, as you're creating that community, what is the easiest way for them if they're looking for that specific community to connect with you? Instagram or what's the easiest?

I do have an Instagram channel that anyone can join, you know, and that's a no-cost kind of thing. You just join the community to be able to talk a little bit more. I've also connected with some other ADHD podcasters that are even in the UK. They've started One of them is ADHD Interrupted, where it's more of a platform that you're going onto and you're fully asking and grading all those questions, also a free platform. So, you know, there are those types of things that if you have a question, you know, if you wanna send me a DM, I can point you in that right direction as well on where to find those people. And then you kind of, knowing more about yourself, you look back in hindsight and I look and I'm like, all of my really good friends who still are, whether that was from 3 years old or high school or college, they all have ADHD too. And I'm like, oh.

That's because we like our people, right?

Right. And you kind of just, you realize, oh wow, there is this connection, or there's maybe some sort of neurodivergency there. Um, we're a lot of fun on vacation for sure, but like, you know, that's the kind of thing is just finding your people.

Yeah, I love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. I really appreciate it. Um, can't wait to stay connected and then see all the good things come out of it.

Oh, it's been a pleasure. Thanks for having me. Awesome.

All right, guys, that's gonna do it for this episode of One Part Lion, One Part Lamb. You know what to do: like, share, comment. If something in this episode really touched you, please share it with someone specific. If you're listening, feel free to give us a five-star rating and comment. If you're watching, feel free to subscribe and share as much as you can, as often as you can. We really appreciate it. It helps us out a ton. It makes us just easier to bring on fantastic people like. Sarah. Um, and if you want more episodes like, just like this, and you want more podcasts, just simply click right here. If you want to hear more direct training from yours truly, uh, feel free to click right here. Until then, we'll see you in the next one. Here's to rise leading last. God bless. Take care. Peace.