Archive Episode 109 The Journey Principles Institute | Conquering Emotional Trauma

Foreign.

Guiding you to become the hero of your own story.

This is the Journey Principles radio show where you are the warrior and we are your weapon.

Now here are your hosts, Josh Bledsoe.

And master life strategist Steven Scoggins.

Foreign.

Welcome back, everyone, to the Journey Principles radio show. Man. I'm excited to introduce our guest today, mostly because if you can tell, I have a little bit of a head cold. So I promise you I will be speaking less and he will be speaking more. That was honestly the plan anyway, before he even showed up, before my head cold even showed up, because my guest today is someone I admire, dear and near to my heart. I learned from him every time I'm around him. He's actually with us at the live event, transform you Live, where he and I got the chance to facilitate a group together. And it was just so awesome watching him talk to the group, ask them questions, and really get them to unlock and break through using the transform you material in that time. It was so cool. What we're going to talk about today is something that's near and dear to his heart because, I mean, he's gone through it. If you notice a lot of our guests, they've gone through it. They've got a story to kind of back it up. And this month, we're all about the emotions. This is the emotional pillar month, and I can't think of a better way to kick it off than with my friend Dr. Jason Newsom here. And today's show is all about overcoming emotional adversity. He spent 10, more than 10 years in the counseling world, right? More than 10.

Yes, yes.

And then more than 20 years in the ministry world where he's kind of seen it all just in that. But that's before his crazy story, and he's going to get into more of that as well. He's also a program developer at Ohio University. Really? In his counseling business. It's called Day Springs. It's up in West Virginia. They talks to everyone, individuals, couples, families, and convicted felons, which you'll find out in a moment that that's a really, really big key to who he is and kind of why he serves. I like to view him as the guy that plays both sides of the field. He doesn't just play one side of the field and talk to the people who've gone through emotional trauma, although they do make a lot of his calendar. He also talks to the people that cause that emotional trauma, and he helps them get out of it. And he's not really one of These counselors that pulls any punches because your emotions and the things that you're going through are far too important to just leave up to someone that's got fluffy clouds and rainbows and everything's going to be okay. Right, Jason? That's right, man. I'm so excited to have you on the show.

So good to be here, Josh.

And he drove from West Virginia. He drove, like, six hours to be here.

I did. Thank you for that. I love hanging out with the Journey Principles Institute. You guys are great.

We love having you, man.

Great. Friends of mine haven't seen you for a minute. Haven't seen you since. Transform you, so.

That's right. Yeah.

It's been maybe a little longer than I would like, like to have been, but it's really great to be back here with you.

Well, thanks for coming in, man. We're going to talk today about the overcoming emotional adversity, something you talk to people about, something you had to do as a young man. Can you take us back to that young man, that young Jason, that needed to kind of work through some stuff and then building up into the counselor you are today?

Sure. You know.

Life is. Is full of all kinds of things, so it's full of all kinds of adversities, all kinds of difficulties.

Yeah.

I think.

One thing that happens to us as we get into this comparison mode, sometimes trying to compare, you know, what I'm going through to what you're going through to what, you know, this person over here is going through.

Yeah.

And just before I say anything about my story, let me. Let me say clearly that I know people that have gone through less than I have.

Yeah.

I know people that have gone through far more and far worse things than I have. So as anytime you hear someone's story, don't get caught up in, well, you know, they went through more than I did or they haven't been through half of what I don't get into, either.

That's such a good way to set.

That up, because it's really irrelevant.

It is.

It's irrelevant. We all have a unique experience. We all come through that a different way. That's right. So for me, you know, at the age of five, I was. I was molested by a family member at the age of five.

And there was a lot of overlap in different experiences because for other people sexually abused me over time. So from the period of age 5 to age 13, I was sexually abused by five different people. And so that's just what I grew up with. I didn't tell anyone about it until I was 16.

And I told a family member. Not my parents, by the way, had the most awesome parents in the world. But I told a family member and it didn't go so well. No, it just didn't go well. You know, the. The person said absolutely nothing to me. Literally didn't say a word, Got up and walked out of the room.

Oh, my gosh.

Which kind of freaked me out.

Yeah.

So freak anybody out. Yeah. I just decided, well, now I should probably just keep this to myself. Oh, man. But as an adult, I. I had told a couple of people, a couple of my older sisters, those sorts of things.

And.

I started to really recognize that, you know, this has impacted me in some way.

Even though I really didn't know what the connection was to sexual abuse. You know, as you're going through things.

Starts to become disconnected at some point.

Right, right. Disconnected from reality.

It doesn't.

You know, I've always had this people pleasing tendency.

Yeah.

And I really never made the connection to sexual abuse for a while. It took me a while to get there.

Yeah.

But as I grew up.

I. What I now understand is this idea was being implanted in my mind that when I was doing something for someone, I was. I was treated well.

Unfortunately, particularly the last person that sexually abused me, he's rather brutal at times.

There's a lot of force involved. I won't go into the gory details, but that also implanted something else. So when I'm giving something to someone, then I'm treated well. Right. But when I don't, then I'm going to be hurt.

Geez. And so this ultimatum kind of created in your head.

Exactly. And so that gets transformed over time. Right. As an adult now, I'm not really worried about physical harm very much.

No, I. I wouldn't put money on anybody trying to physically harm you.

Yeah. I'm kind of okay with that. Right. And. And, but the problem is, is that that way of thinking still.

Tends to permeate our lives.

Right. Yeah. It can kind of pop its ugly head up every so often.

So I became a huge people pleaser. Just over the top. You know, if someone was upset with me, it might be a person that needed to be upset. You know.

It would just tear me up. I really had a hard time handling that. And I worked in a hospital, Charleston area Medical center, as a young man. And at age 22.

My brother died.

He was 31 years old. He died from brain cancer. Wow. Well, that last guy that I was telling you about, he was my brother's. Best friend.

Several years older than him. My brother was about nine or ten years older than me.

So, you know, he was an adult while he was doing those things.

So I go to my brother's funeral, and in West Virginia, and I think probably here in North Carolina as well, who had this tradition, at the end of the funeral, everybody walks by the casket, sort of says their last goodbye kind of thing.

So I did that, and I walked up to my brother's casket. You know, my brother's leg there. Dead.

Yeah.

And I turned to walk away from the casket, and I came face to face with this guy.

What?

And. Yeah, exactly. That was my reaction.

Did you just go at that moment?

I kind of froze. Like, what do I do? Yeah, what do I do here? You know, I didn't know. I mean, am I supposed to say something? Am I supposed to punch the guy in the face? What do you.

What did you do?

I did the only thing that I could do. I didn't open my mouth. I didn't say a word. I. After I stood there for a few seconds.

I reached out and I shook his hand.

And.

That was a moment. It was kind of a bit of a defining moment for me.

I can imagine how hard you squeeze that hand.

It was normal. Normal handshake. But I remember looking him directly in the eye during that handshake, and I think.

I placed forgiveness in his hand that day. Now, let me also say that forgiveness is not a momentary process. No, it wasn't for me.

Yeah.

I don't think it is for most people.

Not an easy button. We could just click and it's done.

Right. You know? But that started that process for me.

Yeah.

That process of distancing myself from abuse.

Did it also help you when you're telling me this story? I put myself in your shoes and trying to think what I would do. I don't know what I would do. Just like you at the moment, didn't know what to do. Did it also elevate you above the circumstance in the sense of you're not overpowering me anymore? I'm better than this. I'm a champion over this. That's why it made me feel.

I. I can see that maybe now I. I'll say at the time, no.

Okay.

At the time. The. I'll be perfectly honest. At the time, it just freaked me out.

Yeah, right. Yeah. But adrenaline flowing, everything.

But I do remember. I remember some specific thoughts that I had at the time. One of them was is that I looked at this guy and.

I remember thinking.

How sad I was for him.

That this person who had. Was really capable of. And I mean genuine kindness at times. You know.

He was going about his life taking from other people or at least from me.

Yeah.

I don't know what he did to anybody else or if there was. I hope there was no one else.

Right. Yeah, you hope not.

But that's what I saw. So I saw this person with the capacity to be a genuinely nice guy, to be kind, to be helpful to others and all those sorts of things.

Yeah.

And it was this real conflict because he took from me.

And so whether that elevated me above those sorts of things, I'm not sure. I know at the moment. I didn't experience it that way.

Yeah.

What I can see looking back though is it started this process of distancing me from it that I don't. That that part of my life really is over.

Yeah. And it's not who you are, Right?

Yes. It's possible I'm. I just turned 40. It's possible that I could be raped. And men do get raped. And I'm certainly not suggesting that, but for the most part I can.

I'm not worried about that anymore. I don't have to worry about being sexually abused anymore.

Yeah.

And there's the problem, I think that happens with trauma is that it follows us and it follows us in some way.

Yeah.

And so it's obvious. Okay. You know, 40 year old guy, unless it was some kind of violent attack, which unfortunately those things happen. But aside from that, I'm probably not going to be abused.

Yeah.

Right.

So how does that apply to everything else? Well, so we start to look at generalizations that we make. So going back to what I said previously, those ideas that when I give, then everything's okay.

Yeah.

But when I reciprocated, when I don't, when I say no, then I get hurt. Yeah. And so as an adult, that comes out very differently. Right.

Yeah.

Ken.

Yeah. I can see where you're going. How did you get over that? Like how did you, you said you started to feel that separation. How did you keep that gap in that distance? Because I, I again I'm thinking, man, this had a lot of emotional imprint on you. How did you keep that distance and get over those things?

It's a matter of, of changing the way I think thought about myself over time.

Self talk.

Yeah, a lot of self talk. A lot of just looking at things and realizing that what I believed wasn't true. Wow.

Yeah.

Which is hard to do.

Yeah.

It's actually really hard to do convincing yourself. Yeah. Because we all have beliefs that aren't true.

Yep.

All of us do. None of us. Well, hopefully we don't know what they are, because if you do know what they are, just go ahead and switch it and be done. But we all believe things that aren't true. You know, we believe things about ourselves that aren't true. We believe things about other people that aren't true. We believe things about God that aren't true. We believe things about how the world works that aren't true.

Yeah.

Know.

And when those things get activated, so to speak, it can be really difficult.

Yeah.

It's a really thing.

Yeah. So you're going through this emotional traumatic childhood, and then you have this moment at the funeral home at your brother's funeral, of all places. You're already in emotional state.

Right.

And then this hits you literally smack in the face. But instead of taking you back to a really dark place, it actually projected you away from it. Yes. Which is sometimes the opposite of what we hear folks talk about. And to be honest with you, I think it might be easier for people to get pulled back into that dungeon versus catapulting out of it. And so this is what I think is most unique about you, when we have these conversations and we were talking at transform you, is that you have a different way of. Of viewing emotion than most people do. You can actually experience something emotional and you kind of. You kind of take the emotion out of it.

Yeah. I try to remove.

You look at the evidence, don't you look at the facts.

Right. Yeah, I try to not.

I'm not always successful.

Yeah.

But how do you do it, though?

Because every time we talk about I need to do exactly what he's doing and then I don't. I don't succeed. Yeah.

The issue is I really try to make. Take emotion out of most things that I do. I'm not always successful in that. My wife will.

Probably comment on this video, on this. This show and confirm that I'm not always successful in that. You know, my children will say the same thing.

Yeah. Be nice.

They will be. They love me anyway.

Yeah.

But I really try to take the emotion out of things because it's so unreliable.

My emotions are not truth.

Now. They're my reality currently.

Right. Right.

But it's not truth. And so.

Okay.

I would rather rest my life on truth.

Okay.

Than.

Something that may change five minutes from now.

Yeah. Yeah. Truth is more stable.

Right. It's. Well, it's always there.

Yeah.

It never changes.

Right.

My emotions and Any event could put them any which way. And so I always like to.

Examine the way I'm thinking.

Yeah.

Because emotions, for me, they're like roadmap, road signs, really.

Okay.

You know, if I'm feeling frustrated or angry, maybe that's a yellow light, you.

Know, that slow down.

Yeah. I may want to yield to something's about to happen.

Right. Yeah.

Or if I'm feeling way over the top, you know, it might be, you know, bridge out.

Yeah. Yeah.

And so those things are really important to me. So if you're feeling sad, you know. Well, what is that? What. What thoughts are driving that? If I'm feeling. If I'm feeling excited. Well, what thoughts are driving that?

Right.

And the good ones. Okay. We'll let them go. You know, just experience it and go on. But those negative ones. And negative emotions aren't a bad thing, by the way.

Yeah.

They're actually very important thing. If you.

Didn'T feel fear, for example.

When you see a rattlesnake, well, that could be a problem.

Right. See, when you put it like that, that makes a lot of sense. I was like, where's he going with this? Because I'm thinking about the negative emotions that creep in my head, and sometimes they make me perceive or even act in a way that's not. It's definitely not accurate. You know, I try to be as close to you as I can, but when you put the rattlesnake analogy in my head, like, okay, that makes sense. But I'll give you another analogy that might help me essentially understand that my negative emotions are not a bad thing. Don't beat myself up over it, at least, is what I think you're trying to say. But then move past it. What's something else I might think about?

Are you. Something really, really easy?

The rattlesnake was pretty.

You're rattlesnake's easy.

Right.

You know, my. My son is getting ready for all of these auditions. He's. He's going to be a music major in college.

Very cool.

And so he's getting ready for all these auditions at several universities. And there's some anxiety involved in that. Yeah, anxiety. Generally speaking, anxiety is not a good thing. We don't want to be afraid. We don't want to be fearful. Yeah. However, a little bit of anxiety can cause something else. It causes them to work harder beforehand.

Gives a little bit of an edge. Okay. All right.

So that's. That's a good thing.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, being anger is a sign. Is a sign that I believe that my rights are about to be violated or the rights of somebody I love or. Or I'm about to be harmed or have been harmed or. Or. You see what I mean? It's really just a road sign. It's nothing more, nothing less. It's unpleasant in the moment.

Right.

But it's not a bad thing because it shows you where to go.

Sure.

I mean, it's. The next. You know, it's your gps.

Yeah.

Turn here.

Yeah.

That relates to behavior in a pretty significant way, though.

Yeah.

Because I re. I act many, many times based on how I feel.

Yeah.

And so I act. I'm. I'm either going to try to relieve the emotion, I'm going to try to heighten it, or I'm going to try to counter it in some way.

Yeah.

One of those three as shows. True. And so. But I always have a choice in how I act.

Yep. 100% of the time, I always do. Don't we?

And there's where we, you know, we don't like to acknowledge that. But regardless of how I feel, 100% of the time, I have a choice in what I do.

Yep.

Which includes the words that come out of my mouth.

Yeah.

That's a. That's for all husbands and wives watching.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And you kind of have to be careful of that, too, with. With words coming out of your mouth, because, I mean, you see a lot of people as a counselor.

I do.

I want to kind of get to that point. All right. So we've walked the audience about, you know, where you were as a young man, a little bit of how you got over the emotional trauma. Maybe. Maybe some more of those tactics of how to overcome emotional trauma come out in this next piece. But you could have done anything. You really could have done anything. You're one of the smartest people that I know. You hide it well.

I paid him lots and lots of.

Money to say that you hide it well, and you like to hide behind the hills of West Virginia. So I'm not that smart, but this guy, he's very smart. You could have done anything. Why did you choose to go into counseling?

You know, it was unintentional for me. I was a lab guy.

Okay.

For a long time. So I worked at.

A hospital. Local hospital, large hospital in Charleston.

Yeah.

Worked there for eight or nine years. I don't quite remember.

It's all big blur.

Yeah, it's a big blur. A lot of good reasons. Excuse me.

But I was also serving in a small church. I was serving associate pastor there. And.

You know, everyone, it seemed, had some kind of problem that they wanted help with, and they would come to me and. And, you know, their. Their daughter's cutting, or.

They'Re really depressed and suicidal or some kind of addiction issue, or. You name it.

Yeah, yeah. And working at a church, I can imagine you'd see a lot of stuff.

You get it all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, all the time.

It's a safe place.

But I wasn't trained to deal with any of those things. And so I would refer people. I would just refer people to, you know, some. Some mental health folks that were around.

But they kept coming back to you that always. Because you're that. That safety net that, you know, you're that person that's safe and approachable. Okay.

So I decided, well, I'm going to go get a master's degree in counseling because I need to know how to help these people.

Yeah.

Had no intention to practice ever. I just know it. So I had a great job.

You just wanted to help the folks that were coming to you.

Just wanted to help.

Okay.

And so I did. And when you're getting a master's in counseling, you get to this point where sort of a lot of your academic stuff is finished and you get to practicum where you're actually seeing people.

Yeah.

Supervised, but seeing people. And I really fell in love with it. I just fell in love with it. Fell in love with the. With the process, really, of walking through.

A difficult period of life with someone. Yeah. And watching them come out the other side, that was just. I really fell in love with that process.

I can see how that ties into you now, because I think that's the first time I've ever asked you a question. It's like, what brought you to counseling? I was just in awe of the way you looked at things, the way you kind of manage things. But it makes perfect sense because you took the emotions out of your previous life and your previous decision, and now you're talking about a process where you take the emotions out of someone else's junk that they're going through, and you walk them through the path to breakthrough and transformation. I could see where now you fit so perfectly in that. Yeah.

You know, it's a ma. It's a matter of. Of looking at things differently.

Yeah. Yeah. As Stephen likes to call it, you kind of just change your perspective by shifting the order.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, perspective matters so much.

Yeah.

You know, we get.

So when I say we, I mean me add so much drama to things that when a real Crisis happens. We don't have the energy for it.

No, we don't.

You know, just because we're. We. We like to take this bowl of life and we do. We just add drama. Add drama, Add drama, Add drama. When. Look, most things aren't that important.

Yeah.

And I think there's another big thing for me is that again, not always successful, but I really try to not spend my emotional cognitive energy on things that don't matter.

Yeah.

And quite frankly, most things don't matter.

Yeah. If we look at. If we're honest with ourselves, there's a lot of stuff we do worry about that it's not gonna really matter that much in the near future or even distant future.

Imagine what would happen. You know.

I'll take you back to something that happened to me.

This was not too long ago, actually. Don't know how long I've had this vehicle, but I.

My wife's grandfather was selling this car. Right. And so. Grandfather car.

Yeah.

It's a perfect car. Yeah.

Smooth, right?

Yeah. 13,000 miles. Those kinds of things. Like. Yeah, you know, we'll buy that. So I bought it, set it in my driveway, didn't drive it.

And it sat there for, I don't know. I don't even remember how long. But anyway, sold the one I was driving. So I was. Okay, well, I'm going to drive grandpa's car now.

Yeah.

So I started driving it on a Thursday evening.

Monday. Monday I got sideswiped out of nowhere.

You had the car way longer than four days, Right. That you started to drive it.

And so, you know, the side of the car's crushed in.

Geez.

Is it irritating? Yeah. Is it all that important? Not really.

No one's hurt. Of course no one's hurt. Yeah.

This same car. I'm not even close to kidding.

The car was in the shop two weeks.

Okay.

I get the car back. I got the car back on a Thursday.

Love Thursdays.

Yeah.

Friday morning, I'm driving the car to work.

A flatbed truck I'm behind, loses this piece of metal.

What?

I ran over it, of course. Busted the tire, broke the rim.

Oh my gosh.

Stuff. Right.

Less than 24 hours later.

Less than 24 hours.

Grandpa's car doesn't like to be driven. That's what it comes down to. Is he. That car belongs in a driveway.

Exactly. Exactly. And so, I mean, it's funny, right?

Yeah.

But in the moment, we kind of. We get these ideas in the moment, like, see, nothing ever do works out.

Why does this always happen to me?

Yeah.

Those kinds of things.

Yeah. So that's a good question. Because it's not a good question, but a lot of people ask that question.

They ask it all the time.

Yeah.

Think about what would happen if you're in that moment now. Put yourself in my shoes in that moment.

Yeah.

Right. The second time you drove the car.

To work, I might have thrown the keys in the field next to the road.

Right. What would happen? I mean. I mean, God forbid this happen, but what would happen if at that moment, you're standing beside your car.

And you just change the tire and you're all dirty and sweaty?

Yeah.

And by this point in time, you got to go buy some new clothes to even go to work. Right.

Yeah.

Because I was actually way away from the office at the time.

And you get a phone call.

That.

Maybe your wife was hurt in a car accident, what would happen?

You quickly stop thinking about your minuscule problem.

Right. Because something that was actually important.

Took precedent.

Yeah.

And so why not just do that on the front end?

Okay.

Instead of. Instead of waiting for that bad thing.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, just do that on the front end. You know what? My relationship with God is important to me. Yeah. My.

My family is important to me. Their. Their happiness, their safety.

Yep.

My relationship with them is important to me. My business is important to me.

Yeah.

Right. My finances and those sorts of things.

Sure.

My church is important to me.

Yeah.

There aren't. I mean, not a whole lot of. There are some other things, I guess.

But you got your priority set right, though?

Those are the big ones, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

And so.

Versus stewing over something like a busted tire.

Busted tire. Or.

Someone not.

Complimenting me on a new, you know, outfit or, you know, or even a new car or, you know, those sorts of things that we get caught up in. Because here's what the problem is.

Yeah.

When we go through trauma.

Yeah.

Our brain actually changes.

Yeah, it does.

So there's part of the brain called the amygdala. I won't go into the. All the neuroscience there, but it gets activated, and it's kind of our alarm center of the brain.

Okay.

So if you think about.

When something traumatic happens, we pull the fire alarm. Okay.

Yeah.

And so everything calms down. We didn't die, and we're relatively back to normal.

Yeah.

The problem is we turn the fire alarm off, but we kept our hand on it.

What do you mean by that?

We kept our hand on it. We kept our hand in on the fire alarm. And so now we're in this constant, high alert state.

Okay.

And every little thing then causes us.

To pull just a knee jerk reaction.

Wow.

Okay.

We get overly emotional.

Yeah.

And we tend to get extreme overly.

Emotional because we're already there.

Exactly. We're always in this heightened state.

Yeah. Like you, you, you put an image in my head of the fire alarm, but also like imagine like the fire hose. All the water's already there. All I gotta do is go eat and it's out.

Right.

That's. That's the amount of emotion that could come out because we're already on edge. So you see a lot of people, you see a lot of different types of folks. You, you also see the folks that are causing these emotional trauma as well.

Yes. One of my specialties is treating sex.

Offenders, which to me, I mean, I know you, you got to be thinking this right now, like, how does this guy go to treating the people that treated him so poorly as a child? That's just more testament to really your calling and kind of what, what you're doing. What do you do? How do you help these folks? And you may not be able to lump them all in the same because they're different people. Right. Going through very unique things. But how do you keep them from pushing or keeping their hand on that fire alarm? How do you take their. How do you help them walk that journey? Take their hand back.

Yeah. So, you know, these guys often have been through a lot themselves. Yeah.

They tend to have attachment difficulties.

Okay.

Sometimes they don't attach to people. Well.

Yeah.

Sometimes they over attach to people. And so it could be either one of those.

Yeah.

Without getting into all those attachment style stuff. But, you know, here's what I know and, and what I've kind of learned over time is that if I can help someone.

Build a better life for themselves.

Yeah.

Then they're less likely to do harmful things to others.

So true. Very true.

And so.

You know, that's really my quest.

Yep.

Is how do I help you build the best life possible for yourself?

Yes.

Because you know what? The best life possible for you probably doesn't include committing crimes.

Usually not. Yeah. Yeah. I would say out of a list of maybe five things that probably wouldn't.

Make the top five, probably doesn't get there. Right. It probably doesn't mean having terrible relationships.

Yeah.

It probably doesn't mean being unemployed.

Yeah. True.

And so. So let's figure out what isn't included.

Yeah.

In a good life.

And so how do we keep those things away?

Okay. And so put them in their own little bucket. Some things that they had Already been doing before.

Exactly.

You. You recognize it. You take. You help them take some ownership of it. They put a little bucket. What do you do with this bucket?

And so how do we. So we try to figure out how do we keep those things away.

Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's important.

Yeah.

That's sort of the risk management part.

Yep.

Is keeping those things away.

That's right.

But there's another side.

Okay. So now we know what's not part of a good life. Well, what is.

Yeah.

What is that for you? What. What. What is a good relationship with family members? What is a good.

Yeah.

Romantic relationship? What's a good job? What.

You know, those are going to be good questions asked. Because a lot of times when you're talking to these folks, I imagine they only know what they only know.

Right.

And they could have been raised in an environment where none of that stuff even exists.

Exactly. It may have not even not existed.

Yeah.

For many, that's true.

Yeah.

Actually, so here, the thing is, is that if I go after the things that are part of having a good life, that's going to naturally take me away from the things that I need to stay away from. It's just natural. It just happens all by itself.

Yeah.

And so I really take that approach.

Okay.

You have to really care about people.

You know, I've.

Know a lot of professionals who do what I do.

Yeah.

And some of them, you know, they try to fake it and it's really.

You can see it like that.

I'm sure it's really obvious.

That's sad, too, because you're dealing with someone's literally their life in their hands. Because emotional is not something you play with. It's like a match that's already almost lit. Wow.

So. Yeah. So changing all those perspectives, changing those belief systems, that's really the. That's really the crux of. Of what I do.

Yeah.

If I had to put. With every client. Doesn't matter what their problem is.

Yeah.

If I could put it all into one statement. I help people change the way they think.

Help people just change the way they think because it's. It's their thinking that got them in that place in the first spot. Right, right.

It's. And when we talk about emotional management.

Yeah.

You know, whether it be depression, anxiety.

You know, anger or fear or any of those things.

Yeah.

It all starts in our beliefs. There's a reason. Proverbs 4. 23. Solomon said, Guard your heart with all diligence.

Yeah.

And he. He said, for out of it flows the springs of life. Some translations say that a little bit differently.

But what he was literally saying the heart. When Solomon talks about the heart, he's talking about our. Our mind.

Okay.

Our thoughts, our belief systems. That's what he really talking about.

Stuff that we're dwelling on.

Right.

Okay.

And he says from that flows everything in your life. Everything in your life starts there.

Yeah.

And so every emotion we have, it starts in our thoughts. It's because we interpret something a certain way.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay. And basically, the more we dwell on it, the more we don't deal with the negative things and get. And put them in a bucket and put them aside, the more they're going to come out.

Yeah. It becomes really easy.

Yeah. That's why emotional outbursts are really easy.

They're simple.

Okay.

See, now I'm good at it.

Now I'm connecting all the dots. We brought it full circle.

We're good at it.

Yeah. We've already been thinking about it for x many days, whatever. Even it's some. Some cases years. So it's a natural, easy thing for us to do.

Yes.

But what you're saying is all we need to do is change the way we think. And if we can't change the way we think, I'm going to say go find someone like my friend here, Dr. Jason Newsome. Maybe don't live in West Virginia, but you can live. Heck, if you live here, North Carolina. The journey principles is there, but anywhere you're around, find someone that's trusted, highly recommended, and go to them and say, I need to think differently. That's some ownership of that. I'm sure you hold some people accountable in your sessions, Right. It's not just you don't do it for them.

Absolutely.

You can't do it for them. Right.

I can't do it for them.

You know, real. It'd be really easy to. To just tell people how they need to think.

Sure. Yeah.

By the way, it happens every day on social media, right?

It does, yeah.

How does it work out?

Not so great.

Not real well. So great causes a fight, right?

Exactly.

And so that's a. That's an argument.

Yeah. So what are some, like, steps you might want to leave somebody with that? Maybe they've gone through some emotional trauma in the past. They're ready to break free of this. They're ready to get it out. What are some steps that they might be able to take today that'll move them in that good direction?

I have a few.

Awesome.

So if you're feeling any kind of constant negative Emotions. I said something earlier. I said negative emotions aren't always a bad thing.

Sure.

If they're chronic, meaning they're there kind of most of the time. That's a problem.

Yeah.

So if you're feeling. And any. This could be anything. Okay. So it could be anxious, maybe even you. Maybe even to the point of panic attacks. If you're feeling depressed, if you're feeling constant sort of anger issues.

Yeah.

Some people describe feelings of emptiness, you know, those sorts of things. Or even loneliness.

Yeah.

For that matter.

Those are. Are warning signs for.

Problem thinking.

Right. Okay.

And so I would encourage you to sit down when you're feeling those things and just write. Write down everything that's in your head.

Doesn't have to be like a complete sentence or legible. Just get it out.

Write it. Okay. Just write anything that's in your head, whatever's crossing your mind.

All right.

What you'll see over time is there are some patterns. So there might be some patterns. For example, if I'm feeling depressed.

And if we. If we looked at the two. If we looked at the. At anxiety and depression as sort of. As a dichotomous pair. Sure. I have a tendency toward depression. If I was going to do either ones, I don't worry a lot, but, man, I could ruminate like nobody's business. So, you know, maybe I'm sitting down and I start writing and I write.

I'm feeling guilty about something that happened 10 years ago.

Okay.

It could be anything. Or maybe.

I believe that just my life is as good as it's going to be and it's not very good now.

Okay.

Maybe.

All right.

I'm not worth much because I couldn't do X, whatever that is. Okay. And so you'll start to see those patterns if you really just sit down and honestly write.

Yeah.

Don't filter just. Right.

Yeah.

You'll start to see those things, but then recognize that those are beliefs that I have and they. They might be wrong. Most likely they might. Yeah. Yeah, they might be wrong.

I was going to ask how long should they keep this document around? Because Sounds like it's a very dangerous piece of paper now when they put all these false beliefs down.

And so once you see them.

Yeah.

Now we have to look and see if they're true.

Okay. So this is the second step to see if.

This is the second step is to examine them and see if they're true. You know, most of us don't walk around even considering that what we believe is wrong.

Right.

A belief, by definition, a Belief is what I hold to be true.

Yeah.

And I don't really say very often, you know, Josh, half of what I believe about myself is wrong. No, I don't say that.

No.

Because then we couldn't call it a belief. It'd just be a suggestion.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

So this belief, I have to look at evidence for it and against it. Okay, so let's take the Santa Claus thing.

Okay.

So most people believed in Santa Claus when they were kids. At least most Americans. Did you believe in Santa Claus?

When.

You're kidding.

What if I still do?

Is that we have other issues. If you still do.

Okay. I got your number here.

Right.

Just kidding. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you believe in Santa Claus?

I did, yeah.

Do you remember what the process was of you not believing in Santa Claus anymore?

Gosh, like the. The moment where it changed for me, honestly, I don't.

You don't remember?

No. I was thinking about this the other day of kids getting older and then they transition from believing Santa Claus to not believe in Santa Claus.

I was like, what was that like?

I don't remember ever. Just like, ditching old St. Nick and saying, nah, he's not real. I don't really remember. All right, so maybe I suppressed it. It was so traumatic.

Maybe so. So at some point, though, you decided that magic wasn't real.

Yeah.

Right.

If you've seen our friend Chris Hannibal, he makes you question it for sure.

That's for sure. You decided that flying reindeer probably weren't real.

Yeah.

This whole thing of toys for enough kids all over the world in a sleigh, it's kind of jacked up, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

So you, on your own, logically worked away. Logically worked your way out of that. What happened was you looked at the evidence against it.

Okay.

And decided that you had to get rid of this belief because the evidence said it wasn't true.

Gotcha.

I have to do that with everything I believe. So if. If I believe, let's say that I'm a failure. Okay, well, what evidence is there for that? What evidence is there against that?

So are you taking your emotional thoughts and your beliefs and you're literally putting them on trial?

I'm putting them on trial. Wow. Absolutely.

Okay, so look at the evidence. The second step is figure out if it's true or false.

Right.

What's the next step?

The. The next step is if it's true, fine. Now how are you going to change your life to make that not true? Because if it's true, then I have to behave Differently. There's my solution. If it's true.

Okay.

If it's true, I'm a failure. Let's just take that one. I'm a failure.

Yeah.

Although failure is not a person, it's an event.

Exactly.

So let's let me restate that I fail at most things.

Okay.

If that were actually true, I need to change some things that I'm doing.

Sure.

It's a behavioral issue. Right. Right. I need to practice more, I need to learn more, I need to try harder, whatever.

Right. And some people might even just fail at one thing or two things. And they just blanket statement, everything else. I feel it. All this stuff.

Exactly.

So they even need to look at it, what you're doing. They even need to put that on trial.

Exactly. And that's. That's more likely. Right. With the feeling thing. Most people don't fail at most things.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah.

So that's probably not going to be true. But. Okay. So I feel I fail at everything.

Yeah.

Well, it's not really.

Yeah. Not true.

You know, I probably didn't hit what I wanted to hit once.

Sure.

And I've applied that to everything. A process called we over generalize.

Yeah.

So we take this one thing and then we generalize it to everything. Well, that's not true. So once I go through this process of evidence and now I figure out, okay, well that's not true.

Yep.

So part three is to construct a new belief. So. Well, what's an alternative to this? Because now I know. I feel at everything. Well, now I know that's not true.

Right.

So. Okay, well, what is true?

What's a new belief to replace it?

What is true? Well, reality is I'm not going to do everything perfectly. Yeah. Right. And some things I may absolutely, utterly fail at.

Yeah.

Right. I may be terrible at some things. I promise you there. There are some things that I'm terrible at. You don't want me do it.

Yeah.

And so I'm going to not accomplish some things. And that's okay.

Yep.

Because my worth isn't defined by that or you know, whatever. Whatever it is.

Nice.

That addresses your particular issue.

Yeah.

So constructing that new belief. And then. Because it's not that simple. But I have to repeat that to myself constantly. I just have to remind.

What about writing that down?

Should they write it down? Put it on a note card. Make it your screensaver on your computer.

Keep it in front of you.

Keep it your keeping. Put it on your lock screen, on your phone or whatever.

Yeah. It sounds so simple. But I Know the struggle that's going to come from this. Even, even me doing it personally. I know there's going to be strug struggle doing it. But they're simple steps. It's not a simple process. It's not a, it's not an easy, you know, start and finish. Done now I don't feel better. But they're simple steps. I enjoy that a lot there. Thank you for that. And so how do people stay in touch with you? Because I mean you just educated them for good. 50 minutes there. How do they stay in touch with you?

Sure, you can always visit my website.

Drjason newsome.com yes n e w s.

O m e.com also on social media, facebook.com Dr. Jason Newsome everything's the same. Twitter is @ Dr. Jason Newsome. Instagram @ Dr. Jason Newsome. Yeah, I'm on LinkedIn. I don't have any idea what that profile name is. I actually have a lot of contacts on LinkedIn for some reason. But yeah, just look me up. I'm on.

There somewhere. And let's talk about the book. We only got two more minutes, but let's talk about the book the Finding Peace in an Imperfect World. I know this book. I've read it. It's from your heart. I can tell if you ever needed to ever talk to someone who knows about finding peace in an imperfect world. Well, you just heard about how his world was imperfect coming up. And even today you understand like it's an imperfect world but you look at things factually. You evidence based, you put your emotions on trial. Right. And so let's talk about the book in the next like two minutes. What's the, what's the premise of the book people can.

Look for. Yeah, the premise of the book is, is it's really all about changing the way we see things and what we believe.

About.

Things. Yeah. I believe that chaos and turmoil are almost always in.

Our.

Mind. Yeah. Because we're, we're really good at it and we, our, our beliefs are what causes.

The.

Chaos. Yeah. You know, the apostle Paul was the classic example of someone who had many devastating things happening all around. He did, but he was at peace in his heart and his mind.

You.

Know. Yeah. And so this book talks about how do we get there challenges, some myths that we have about, about even religious myths that we have as Christians, those sorts of things. And I really tried to include some mental health principles, but an equal amount of, of.

Scriptural principles. Yeah, there goes that evidence base.

Again. Yeah. And, and sort of marry those two things together. Finding Peace in an Imperfect World. It's available on Amazon.com barnesandnoble.com just any, anywhere. Just Google, just.

About anything. Yeah, you drop it in Google. Finding Peace in the Imperfect World, folks, I hope this show helped you out. Treme. Every time I'm around Jason, it helps me out. He helps me find peace. This book, like he said, is available everywhere you can find books. Go get a copy of that right now. Or if not right now, I know on your website, drjason newsome.com he'll even sign a copy for you if you order through that way. So I don't know, make a little personal touch with that. But please, please, please take these principles that he talked about, take these steps, apply them in your own life, and then go to the person that's closest to you that you know struggling emotionally and can't really get out of that and share it with them. Share this episode with them. We appreciate you guys stopping by this week. We'll see you guys next week on the Journey Principles radio show.