Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life | Emily Freeman

When you recognize that life is happening for you, to you, and you apply that to your relationships, it's huge. And it's true, because relationships are our mirrors. And so we get into every single relationship for a reason. There is something meant to be revealed, meant to be experienced, and meant to be healed. You know, the relationships that work the best are the ones where both people recognize there's going to be more healing and make that commitment to continue healing. Nobody's going to be a finished product.

You know, I realized after another failed relationship several months ago that I had been doing dating wrong.

Okay.

Right. So the mirror that I was looking at, if you will, was improper. Not healthy. Well, I would say not healthy.

It wasn't healthy. Two ways, I guess, is the best way to say it. So I got a good friend of mine reach out to me, said, well, have you heard about polarity? Have you heard about masculine and feminine? I'm like, not really. What is that? Right. So. And then, then I discovered your work and saw that you're an expert in it. So I wanted to break that down because I feel like a lot of folks are struggling in their relationships, largely because they don't know any better. So how did you get into this? This, I guess this segment of understanding, like, life and helping people like myself win at love?

Well, that's a lifelong story. And every podcast episode I go on, I'm like, how do I make this a little bit shorter?

Right.

But it really has come full circle for me. I actually grew up in a. My dad is an md, but he's an acupuncturist. So mindfulness was ingrained in me at a very early age. I was three when they took me to my first meditation class, where they went around the room and everyone was like, life is. And got to say. And I just went, life is.

And everyone was like, that's perfect. So, of course, going into my teen years, you don't want to listen to your parents. And so meditation was not going to happen for a high achiever like me that just wanted to go and be doing and doing and doing.

Fast forward to when, after I went through what I call my quarter life crisis, where I went from a corporate marketing job to starting my own personal training business, working as a personal trainer and fitness instructor. And I started to get into the idea of habit forming, right? And why some people have an easier time developing new habits, sticking to habits, and why some people don't. And also how to look at fitness through the lens of your own relationship with yourself.

Right.

How do you talk to yourself? What comes up for you? What are your motivations to actually get in shape? So that really started a lot of my personal development journey in getting into that space. It was in that space that then I went through my own injuries, went through the whole impostor syndrome, all of that fun stuff that we go through as professionals that are also human beings, and found myself without the level of intense exercise that I was used to. So I went back to mindfulness, started meditating again, started getting into thought work. Meanwhile, I also had gone through two back to back long term breakups with men who I was sure, like, this was, yeah, you're the one I'm gonna get like. I mean, marriage, family was my main focus at that point in my life. And I was very young, I was like 27 years old and thought I was 38. And.

I got out of this second long term relationship wondering, what is wrong with me? Like, is there something really deeply wrong with me where I'm able to get into these relationships but they don't work out? And so I got into thoughtwork even deeper at that point in time to actually just build my self esteem back up to get back out there dating. And it worked great. I felt confident. I started getting online. I mean, I was in my, you know, late 20s at this point. I was living in the Bay Area. I was dating all these amazing men. It was great. Wait, two days done, three days done, two months done.

Yeah.

And I'm going, wait. It was so much easier for me to get into a relationship before. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake. And I knew that what I wanted and I knew I was ready for marriage and it just didn't turn out that way. And so I dove straight into understanding attraction and dating. And it started from, okay, is it that these men aren't attracted to me? What's going on? Am I doing something wrong? How do I fix myself to recognizing, oh, my God. This has everything to do with the way I'm programmed, my thoughts, the way I'm showing up, a lot of masculine energy. Right. I was like, here's where we go. It's. Yeah, I mean, my dates. I was guilty of interviewing my dates at the beginning of my dating journey.

Yeah.

But I didn't know any better, Right? Like you're, like, you don't necessarily know any better. And so I dove into understanding masculine and feminine energies, started following all these coaches, and eventually hired a coach for myself. And she absolutely changed my life. And yeah. So in doing that Work with her. It became apparent pretty quickly that I was supposed to be doing the same work. People around me started coming to me. My roommate at the time got engaged in eight months, you know, kind of with my guidance. Next to her, obviously, I was like, wait, am I manifesting for the wrong person here? I'm very happy. She's happily married now, and I'm so happy for her. So I started having kind of the universe bring this sense of, okay, people are reaching out to me, people are wanting my help, and it's actually working what I'm giving them. I was also in Masterminds, so, you know, women in the Masterminds would reach out to me outside of the Masterminds.

And then as I was starting to gear up to begin my business officially, I dated a number of men who cracked open in front of me.

Wow.

And I started to recognize that I was actually asking them questions that most people didn't ask them. And I was becoming a mirror for them. And they also had nowhere that they actually felt inspired to do the type of work that I had been doing in my dating life.

Yeah.

And I started researching and looking out at, like, okay, men's dating coaches, what's going on in this world? Because as a woman who was in the dating coaching world, who was a student in it. Right?

Yeah.

Felt like it was everywhere, like, omnipresent, like, how is this. How is no one? Like, there has to be other men who know about this work? And it just realized that the coaching out there for men was so focused on tactics, so focused on the end result that, you know, which makes sense. Right. As. As the masculine. You want it to be logical. You want it to just be this formulaic thing. That's what a lot of men feel comfortable with.

But women in dating have so much gray.

Yeah.

Right. We are all shades of gray. And so there was a missing link of them actually being inspired to connect with themselves. That's what I saw, and I recognized that. And it was after being left high and dry at an Airbnb by a guy who I had been seeing. And we decided to get an Airbnb together for a month. We had both been traveling around, and the first morning there, he's like, I'm so sorry. I can't do this. And I remember just walking on the beach in Hermosa beach, like, walking on the pier there. I was like, I need to help men. I want to help men because there's pain there, and they don't have an outlet or a resource that feels inviting. And safe and fun. To be able to explore those sides of themselves, to be able to find love. So that's.

I dig it. I dig a real life hitch. I love it.

That's what I get all the time. And I'm like a little bit. Yeah. I mean my private clients do have access to me on WhatsApp all the time. So I kind of. Not quite the earpiece.

Yeah. But close enough that I did. This is something. This has been a practice. Anytime I have a major life shift, I do two things. I'll do a two week sabbatical by myself. I'll just go by myself somewhere and do a two week sabbatical to get clarity. And then I'll also take six months break in between significant relationships.

Okay.

The reason I've always done that is because for me, it helps me get clarity on what needs to be worked on within me. Because obviously no human's perfect. Right. There's. There's things that are. There also get clarity around maybe getting more clear on what it means to be authentically me rather than trying to force fit myself into a form to fit specified relationship kind of scenario. And one of the reasons I did that a long time ago, I didn't know it intentionally, but I did it because I realized that I was actually trying to like outrun I think what you refer to as the wounded masculine or being wounded in a specific energy to begin with. Right. So, you know, I find that I found that early in my, like early, early on in my relationships. It was, you know, I was overly aggressive. Not, not intentionally, but just like, you know, I like you, I like you. Let's, you know, kind of thing. And now in this season of life, met a fantastic female. That's that both of us are in this, this era of like not trying to be entangled in each other's energies, but run parallel, if that makes any sense. Sure. So anyway, so I'm curious to know what your thoughts would be in uncovering a lot of the wounding. Because it seems like the wounding is what's leading to future wounding.

Yes. So a couple of things. One is I'm so curious what you do in those six months to dive in to understand your own patterns. I'm like, we could switch it around here. But I'll get into your question first because it's so important to recognize that we have certain wounding because of our subconscious patterns. So masculine and feminine energy where a lot of men and a lot of people don't quite understand it is. They go, okay, I understand the cons like it. Conceptually masculine energy. I'm supposed to lead. I'm supposed to initiate communication, I'm supposed to plan dates. I'm supposed to hold this structure that people talk about for this woman. But what does that actually mean? And I see a lot of men perform in their masculine energy. They put on what they think masculine energy is without doing any of the work to actually integrate into it. And what happens is a lot of men are actually disconnected from their masculine energy because of their thoughts about it. So whether they didn't have a good role model of it growing up or were really hurt by the masculine, whether it be a dad who just worked a lot. Right. As a child, we internalize things very differently. And as. As adults, so what we say, like, oh, dad, he did his best. I'm so grateful he provided for us. That little boy, that little girl inside of us is like, wait, did I do something wrong? Where dad doesn't want to be around, right. So we start internalizing these stories about ourselves and about the masculine and about the feminine. And we can even have a mother who's in wounded masculine. Right. That changes our perception of what it's like to interact with someone of the opposite sex. And so it's. It's important to first look at, okay, what are the thoughts? What are the limiting beliefs actually creating the behaviors? You know, before you can actually embody and step into healthy masculine or feminine energy, you have to first understand why you're not there.

For sure. It made me think too, like I. I realized, I think to get to the place where I'm at now in a very healthy relationship at the moment. One of the things I've realized is this element of attracting. I was attracting in for some reason, women that were operating a wounded masculine were actually, for some reason I would attract them. I was attracted to them. And it took time to kind of pull that apart. I find that a lot of men do that a lot of men are attracted to the more the wounded masculine within a feminine tied up in within a female. Why do you think that is?

Well, especially for high performers, it usually stems from a subconscious attraction to unavailability. Right. So if a woman, woman is in her wounded masculine or any of us wounded energy, we have a level of unavailability to ourselves and to the other person. And a lot of the times when a woman is in her wounded masculine, men can misconceive the feeling of attraction with actually just her level of unavailability.

Yes.

That makes them feel like, okay, I have to Work harder. I have to do more in order to achieve this. Which also ties into a subconscious, conscious belief that love is an achievement. So when she shut down, when she's guarded, when she's not receptive, instead of going, okay, this energy doesn't feel very good to me. Instead, it's how do I try harder? How do I continue to overcome her barriers in order to be the man that she wants me to be so that way I can receive the love that I've always wanted to receive from me. And it's also really important to note, though, that that's one end of it. The other side is a lot of men show up in their wounded feminine.

Yeah.

And as a reflection of that, women are in their wounded masculine. So when a woman, I always say wounded energy attracts wounded energy. So in the same way that healthy energy attracts healthy energy, and there's polarity there, wounded energy does the same. So if you as a man are in your wounded feminine, meaning you're people pleasing, you're trying to impress, you are feeling insecure, you're searching for affirmation. Well, man is going to start to feel guarded. She is going to start to shut down because she doesn't feel safe with that energy.

Yeah.

And with that energy, she then sees that you don't feel confident in your ability to lead.

Yeah.

Not just in dating, but within yourself and your own emotional regulation.

Yeah.

And so she will clench up and she can't relax into her feminine.

Yeah.

Now, when we talk about wounded masculine energy, though, I just want to be clear that, like, if a woman is being critical or berating you in any way or putting you down, I don't care if you're in whatever energy. Right. That's not right. And vice versa. So I always reiterate, it is not your job to heal a woman. Right. It's your job to heal yourself, to show up to be the best match for a woman, also taking ownership and responsibility for her healing.

Yeah. Well, that's what that six months is for me. You asked her admission. Okay. This is my process. I call it grow, gain perspective, remove roadblocks, organize, orchestrate a plan, and then work the plan. So in the last one, it was gained perspective. Okay. How did I show up in this relationship? How did the other person show up in the relationship? Was it healthy? Yes or no? Did it serve us both? Yes or no? Did it allow for me to feel respected and loyal and stuff like that? It allowed for her to feel safe and kind of in a great place. And then I look at it, from that perspective, what is it that I did, I kind of portray out, I guess the best way to say it, you know, because, you know, how did I show up basically? And if it's, if it was, if I was showing up in a non healthy way, then I went to work on it. Went to work on trying. Okay, where does this come from? Right. Okay. I didn't have a dad growing up. I had a grandmother growing up. Right. Okay, well, like, all right, my mom was away. Okay, what does that mean? Like, where did the, where did some of the victim, you know, pattern come? Like all that? And I would dissect it that way. And then part of organizing my plan wasn't like, okay, I have, I have something to achieve. It was like, I just want to be able to learn more and grow more. So I would, you know, follow your work or read a book or listen to a podcast or anything like that. Began to kind of like open my heart and my mind up to a better way of perceiving kind of what the environment, what the overall environment is. And then the work to plan was kind of the same thing. So I kind of look at it in the six month time frame. The first three months is assessment.

Okay.

And then the last three months is okay, Integration.

Okay.

What did I learn? What do I need to integrate or pull and I say integrate, remove and. Or integrate into. And that has led me into a place of. When I do show up. And this is, this is why I think I've, I've, I've met somebody pretty wonderful recently, which is exceptional. Like in the last, like we're talking 11 days, we're not talking like a year away from that, which we're obviously very fresh in it. But the, it's exciting. Yeah, it is, it is very exciting because this is the first time where I'm not trying to be anything other than me. And as a result, she's told me on numerous, numerous occasions, she goes, you make me feel safe. I'm safe with you.

Oh, that's lovely.

And as, as she, you know, as she's kind of illustrated what safety looks like, I've kind of watched her blossom like a flower. So now I'm trying to be super, not super protective, but I'm being aware of holding that space of safety, but not, you know, when I say safety, it's, it's coming at a broader. The questions are. Question, you know, questions and conversations are uber deep.

Sure.

Like there's, I want to, I'm asking because I want to understand, not because I'M waiting for something. Oh, I can. Okay, that's cool. I can maneuver there. Right. And I find that it took a long time to get there. It really did. And. And I'm someone who is passionate about personal growth, personal professional growth. You know, we're in this. In this genre, this lane, if you will. But I underestimated the power of safety. So I'd like to hear your thoughts on why a female.

Is so excited when they find safety in a partner.

Yeah, I love that question. And I love your process, too. I think that's wonderful. I have more questions about it.

So safety is so important to a woman because the feminine is the. It's vulnerable. Right. So one aspect of feminine energy is vulnerability. So for a woman to be able to explore that side of herself, to be able to be playful, she has to feel safe. I mean, think about it like, if you're in survival mode, if you're in fight or flight or freeze, there is no play, There is no flirtatiousness there. There is no openness. There is no reflection of self. And when a woman has core feminine energy. Right. So she feels like her best self, her. Like, she's most aligned with herself in her feminine energy. If she can't activate or reach that space because there isn't a level of safety, then she can't enjoy the relationship. And likely the man's not going to enjoy it much either.

Yeah.

So I think a lot of the times, too, it's like women have experienced relationships and men also, where they don't feel safe. So I would say, yes, safety is definitely important for the feminine, but it's also important for the masculine.

Yeah. Especially if we're being vulnerable. Like, it takes. It takes. It took a lot for me to get vulnerable and be transparent with another partner.

Yeah. And I think you challenged yourself to do that. It's so. It feels so good once you do it, right?

Oh, absolutely.

Like, I feel often thinking feel, like, alleviated.

Yeah.

The only thing is, you do want to make sure that you're not rushing to that level of vulnerability. I see this happen, too, with men in partnerships is they start to want more and more of that release and that feeling of connection. And so the conversations go deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. And it's just like that's the only thing that the relationship focuses on. And then you come up against two things. One is polarity can actually dwindle simply because it just is too much intensity. And so someone shuts down, because we haven't talked about this yet, but when it Comes to attachment theory, right? Someone can get activated in that dynamic. And the second piece is we don't want any trauma bonding, right? We don't want to bond over what scares us to an extent where our entire relationship or something that's hurt us, right. Or hurting each other to a place where were in that sort of bond. Because then there's no stability, there's no actual foundation. So yes, vulnerability is really important, but I always say it's really, it's necessary to also make sure that the level of intimacy is in alignment with the level of.

Investment, right? So how invested you are in each other at that point in time. Because that's what creates safety. And it's not enough to just say, okay, we're both invested in each other and it's you and me. And here we go right off the bat, right? That can create some artificial sense of, of safety and, and investment. But you still need to have that layer, that foundation underneath that for, especially if the woman or the man has had history of being betrayed or having infidelity in their relationships or just having someone leave them out of nowhere, just being hurt. You need to make sure there's that underlying foundation because otherwise you're on shaky ground and no one knows if it's real or not.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Curious on that. Even with it kind of leaning into attachment theory a little bit. What is authentic healthy communication? Because you know, obviously if, let's assume you're, you're a, you're a high performing male or high performing female, you've had, you've had relationships that didn't work out, which is most people at some point in time they had a relationship that worked out, not multiple. You're trying to, you have the healthy mindset of going into a situation where, all right, I've been, I've been doing, I'm, I'm doing the work on me, I'm continuing to do the work on me. I plan on continuing to do the work on me kind of scenario to kind of make sure that you know, that person stays in a healthy place. But you don't want to go down the, the, the track record of being overly, like overly vulnerable too soon, too quick. You want to have authentic communication, authentic connection. How do you know which is real and which isn't real?

So I always tell the men I work with that whenever, before you do anything, any lead, any sort of communication or initiate any sort of communication, you want to understand your motivation for it. So two good questions or a question to ask yourself is am I doing this out of a need for affirmation. Right. Of wanting more. Of wanting to get some sort of safety out of it. Right. Whether it be real or artificial.

Yeah.

Because when we look for affirmation, we don't usually, even if we think we get it, we don't feel satisfied with it because we gotta find that safety first. So are we looking for safety outside of ourselves when we really should be looking for it within us? Or is this a desire for connection? Does this feel like a natural progression of leading the dating process forward and continuing to build in an appropriate way on the level of communication? And you usually can know this from a lens of just checking in with your gut. And this is something that a lot of men have a harder time with. Right. Because we get stuck in.

Unless you're naturally intuitive or empathetic.

I'm not quite sure if I am feeling like this is affirmation or connection. It kind of feels like both, so. Right. And that's how you get stuck in your head and start overthinking. So it really comes down to a gut check. And I like to have my men start intuition journals. So this gut check is write it down. Right. Do you think that this is an appropriate escalation of intimacy? Does it feel like it's what you really want to do? Write it down, make whatever decision you want to make from there, and then you can start to look back and go, okay, was that intuition or was that just anxiety? Was that a sense of urgency? Right. This was something my coach taught me a long, long time ago, and I'm so grateful for it. I love intuition journals. You can also do this from the lens of masculine, which is like my take on the intuition journal, which is a decisiveness journal so you can look at, okay, here's a decision I want to make. Let me the first instinct of what decision feels good to me in this moment? Write it down, take the decision or lead with the decision that you decide to be able to look back and go, okay, was that first decision that I wanted to make, was that accurate or not? And if it was, but you went back on it, you were second guessing. Well, you need to build more trust within yourself. If it's not accurate, then you need to tap more into your intuition. And that's actually honoring your feminine energy. That's healing feminine to be able to your intuition into your body. So anyways, I digress. Back when you are leading the dating process and you feel like you want to continue to escalate communication and conversation forward. If you're feeling a lot of intensity in the beginning. Right. Where it's like you guys want to talk to each other all the time. You're trying to see each other as much as possible. You want to do a little gut check here because as I brought up around attachment theory.

If two people have insecure attachment styles, whether it be anxious avoidant, fearful avoidant, also called anxious avoidant, it's important to pace the dating process in order to stay regulated on both sides.

Yeah.

Otherwise, what can happen is one person can start to over invest and come on really strong and start kind of obsessing about the relationship getting really invested too soon, and the other person will feel that and want to pull away because it doesn't feel like there's been enough time for that person to get to know them. And. Or there might be an underlying fear of intimacy. Right. Where it feels really triggering to have someone want to get that close. And usually when there is an insecure attachment style, whether it be a fear of abandonment, intimacy, or rejection, there's also usually a level of inherent worth that's lacking. Now, I'm not saying confidence in your career, confidence in your appearance, confidence in your athletic abilities, those are all external pieces of confidence. I'm talking about your worthiness as a human being regardless of all those external things. So our mind immediately goes to, oh, if it was that easy to get that person, if they're leaning in this much, what's wrong with them?

Interesting, right?

What's wrong with them? Because why would they just choose me without me having to actually achieve this?

Yeah.

Because in our minds, we feel like we need to be achieved and we also need to be achieving.

Yeah.

So a lot of nuances and intricacies to your question, but that gut check is really, really important in asking yourself, is this a need for affirmation? Am I coming to try to make sure that person's still there, that they're not going anywhere, that that connection is still there? Am I avoiding some feeling that's uncomfortable within myself and hoping that having a deeper connection with them is going to solve that?

Yeah.

Or am I in a really secure, stable, amazing place and want to share this with myself?

Yeah. No, that's awesome. I was thinking too, as you're kind of going through some of these different processes. I don't know that most of us know what a healthy feminine energy is or healthy masculine energy is. I think most of us are walking around with a certain level of wounding, or at least you know that. At least at some level. So therefore you know, it's. I think a lot of it's being driven by the subconscious. It's not something you're consciously aware of until you actually work on it long enough to try to say, okay, well, I feel okay. What is this? All right.

Yes.

You know, kind of thing. So talk to me about what? What a healthy masculine. Healthy masculinity is healthy. Femininity is how. How we kind of look at that to. To regulate it. Because I find that things are beautiful when polarity is achieved.

Yeah.

So.

So healthy masculine energy is assertive. It's grounded, present.

It's decisive. Right. So it trusts itself and it's confident in itself.

So wounded masculine energy would be aggressive, overly competitive, critical shutdown, emotionally unavailable.

Masculine. Healthy masculine energy is protected. Right. Wounded masculine energy is possessive. Healthy feminine energy is open. It's nurturing, it's receptive. Right. So the masculine is the giving. The feminine is the receiving. It is playful and flirtatious. It's creative. So think of the masculine as building and the feminine as the creative piece of it. Right. So the head and the heart, ultimately. And wounded feminine energy would be people pleasing, impressing, being overly reliant on someone else, overly emotional. Right. So that vulnerability becomes wounded feminine when it becomes unregulated and when the ownership is taken out of it. And it's just, here are all my emotions. Solve them for me.

Which is a lot.

Yes. My fiance calls it ocean energy.

This is like the wave. He's like, okay, here we go. We got a lot of it over here. So. Yeah. So does that. Does that answer the question?

Yeah, I think it does. I just want to give some perspective to. Again, I had never heard the term masculine or feminine. Never really thought much about it. You know, you just. You just, you know, kind of go into a relationship, you think, okay, well, we're compatible or not compatible, you know, or. I know. Like, I would say that in whether it's masculine or feminine. I don't. I couldn't say 100%. When you go at the end of a relationship, the fact that you can review it as, oh, my gosh, this was so. This broke me. I'm so hurt. I'm so wounded. Or I'm so thankful that that relationship occurred. I learned all these things, right? So to me, that's like the. That's the biggest transition. That's one of the. Been. Been one of the largest transitions in my life the last couple years is like, I stopped looking at the relationships and started getting gratitude for what I did learn.

Like the ariana Grande song, Right?

Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly.

Yes. No, I, I think that's a wonderful way to look at it. And in general. Right. When you recognize that life is happening for you, not to you.

Yeah.

And you apply that to your relationships.

Yep.

It's huge. And it's, it's true. Because relationships are our mirrors. And so we get into every single relationship for a reason.

Yeah.

There is something meant to be revealed, meant to be experienced and meant to be healed. And you know, the relationships that, what I have experienced, what I've seen that work the best are the ones where both people recognize there's going to be more healing and make that commitment to continue healing.

Yes, yes.

Right. Nobody's going to be a finished product. Nobody wants that, especially a high achiever. You guys would be so bored.

Right.

You know, like, that's not gonna, that's not gonna happen. So realize that it's about finding that person who's also willing to take ownership and wants to take that journey together without needing perfection. And if you're expecting perfection from someone else and you tend to be that person that finds little flaws in the other person and always has a reason to, like, I don't know about this.

Yeah.

And lies. Right.

So I'm forgetting what your exact question was here.

Well, we just, I think we're just continuing the journey, trying to walk through the masculine and feminine as far as what's, you know, what is properly regulated, what's not properly regulated, like you know, kind of thing like that. And I know one of the things that you spoke on many times before is a high value man and high value woman. Like, I don't know that people have ever thought of relational relationships or partners as being high value or low value or they're like, they're even aware of it.

Right.

So talk to us a little about what a high value man could be and also a high value woman could be.

So there's two components to being a high value man or high value woman in the lens of relationships. Right. The first is will you be a good partner generally. Right. So this includes traits of emotional availability, communication skills, ownership of self, emotional regulation.

Having your own purpose and passions in life. You know, the things that, the ability to fulfill yourself and to feel good within yourself, to bring that into the relationship versus somebody who is looking to fill a void through a relationship. Right. And then the second component of a high value partner is what makes them high value to you. Right.

Yeah.

One man, a high value woman might be a woman who is really driven and independent in her career and is building this amazing thing. And that to him is really amazing. And to another man, it might be like, oh, I want a woman who has been traveling the world and is really open to adventures and wants to experience things and has a different perspective in that sense.

Yeah.

Right. So high value is not just one perspective. Right. Because like you said, there is a level of compatibility to it. But you're absolutely right. A lot of people look at compatibility through the lens of qualities and traits that maybe values. Right. Want to get to the value piece. The why. Why do they have those qualities? Why do they have those traits? Why are they prioritizing those things in their lives? That's what creates compatibility. But also compatibility through the lens of attachment theory, through the lens of your subconscious programming, because someone else is not emotionally available and that's what you're looking for in relationship. Then it doesn't matter if you both go to the gym at the same time every day. It doesn't matter if you both like to try. If that person decides to leave out of nowhere because they can't handle a certain level of intimacy that you are looking for.

Yeah.

You're not.

Yeah. And I think. I think that's. I think it's wise to be. Oh, like, be okay with it. Like you. The relationship ran its course. There's a lot to be learned. There's a lot of beauty in it. You know, it's a. I mentioned a couple times a young lady, I've been seeing you now for a little while.

It's kind of like we're. The. The agreement is let's. It's beautiful now. Let's. Let's see if it continues kind of thing. It's like we're enjoying it. We're in the enjoyment phase. Rather than saying, okay, by this time next year, we're going to be buying a house together, getting a dog, like all that kind of stuff, like the expectation. And I find that gives you freedom, at least from. At least as a male. I can't. I can't speak for her necessarily, but I find a little. I find security in that. The fact that someone just really go on a journey with me, and right now we're enjoying the journey, if that makes any sense.

I think that's wonderful.

I see a lot of men and people who have been hurt in the past. And I went through this myself before. I.

And I'm sure I have too.

You want to button up everything and be like, is this person going to hurt me? Or be my forever person? And I Think we also get against, you know, clocks and what's expected of us and what we want. And we're in a world of instant gratification. And with dating apps. Big fan of dating apps. Met my fiance on an app. But with the apps, what I noticed is people get frustrated with it because they think if I have an app for something and it's supposed to make my life easier, that means it should be instant. So I should meet somebody, go on a date, and that's it.

That's a little too quick.

We get frustrated by it. Right. And whether it be conscious or subconscious, that is what we think when we think, okay, I'm on my phone, I order Amazon, it's here in a day, maybe less. The same should be true for my dating life.

It's the spouse.

Yeah.

It's just.

So, you know, I think that there's, there's that level of expectation too that people then go into it who feel like, okay, because we both want the same thing, because we're both attracted to each other, this is going to move forward.

Yeah.

But they don't take polarity into account, they don't take emotional connection into account, they don't take emotional availability into account. And they get confused why they have these short lived dating experiences that it seems perfect, like, oh, I've met this other perfect person and then grasp on and they get ahead of themselves and one person gets triggered around that or notices that that doesn't feel safe. Right. Because they're looking for a sense of feeling through the relationship. They're actually chasing a feeling, not the person. You don't know the person well enough to know this yet. Right. As you're exper. Now you're like, okay, spend what, 11 days?

Yeah, great. I love it. This is the best it's been I can remember. But.

Protect my energy a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. So I always tell the men and I talked about this in a webinar that I did last week as a little tidbit and I'll give it to you guys here too. Three questions to ask yourself before moving the dating process forward. Whether it be deciding to be exclusive or committed. Right. We could talk about that too. It's the idea of exclusivity before commitment and it not, you know, being together.

To ask for exclusivity and or commitment to say I love you, to decide to move in with each other, to decide to get engaged, to get married, etc. What do I need to know about this person? What do I need to feel for this person? And what do I need to experience with this person to know I want to move forward? And that last one is huge.

Yeah.

As experience only comes from time to time.

Yep.

You can sit across the table and go, okay, let's, let's questions it here. But what does it look like when you guys are both emotional and yes, you've talked about how you're going to handle arguments, you've talked about how you want to do things, but how does it really go down?

Yeah, it's funny you say that, because my buddy Henry and Terry and who first introduced me to this concept, we were having a conversation not long ago and they were talking about that they had to decide they were, they were good ways into their relations. They had to decide how they were going to show up if everything hit the fan. You know, all of a sudden, both cars go break down the same day. One of them gets bad news on a, you know, from a, from a part, you know, from a. A loved one or something like, you know, and all things could just go haywire. And it got me thinking probably a few days ago, the girl I've been seeing, I should say woman. She's not a girl. She's a woman I've been seeing now for a little while. We had, we, we started kind of going through, okay, what are the, to the experiences, like, what are the expectations kind of thing. And I said, well, you know, one of the things that I can see is children. She has children I've already raped, you know, and she's close to my age, but I've already raised my children. So I'm having to decide, okay, well, do I, do I, am I willing to do this again? Okay. And then if I am willing to do this again, what does that look like? Especially when it comes down to, you know, rearing children. Of rearing. That sounds country right there, dad gum. That's country.

Rearing children, if you will, and understanding kind of, okay, I know. I know what it takes to raise children because I've done it. I know at times it can be very difficult because their, their brains aren't fully developed or they do something stupid or I have a bad day and snap or whatever. It's kind of like, okay, well, all right, what does discipline look like? You know, because I had mentioned to her before, I said in a prior relationship I was willing to take on that role, even did that role for a while. And I was. And I would get undermined, even though that we would, in theory were on the same same wavelength. So to me, that was a big thing I said when I got undermined, I felt as though I was devalued, and therefore I would. I lock myself up, which then obviously, you know, starts a whole other chain of. Chain of events. So I say, I think that's the reason I bring that up is I think it's really good to walk through some of those. Okay, everything's rainbows and butterflies right now, but at some point in time, we're going to have a bad day. Or as my friend Henry would say, a flat tire.

Yeah.

What happens during the flat tire.

Right.

And his opinion was, is, like, if you could come up to a common agreement about how you're going to show up in that moment, ahead of the moment, at least you have a fighting chance. What do you think?

Yes. So if you think about a job interview. Right. Usually one of the questions they always ask you is, what was like, a conflict that you overcame? Or how did you handle a difficult situation with another employee? Or did you make a mistake? How did you handle the mistake? Like, in order to understand, okay, how does somebody problem solve? How do they resolve? What are their interpersonal communication skills? Like, you know, what are their skills like when it comes to dealing with other people?

Yeah.

So I think it can give you a sense of somebody, but just like a job interview, anybody can say anything.

Yeah.

Right. And what happens actually in the moment? And so it's important to not to recognize that it's not about.

Testing the other person and going, okay, are they going to mess up in this moment? It's, how do I understand them and actually see what's happening here? Because I also think our world, we write off people really quickly when we see any sign of something that reminds us of something that hurt us in the past. Right. Because we have so many options. So we can. Right. It's much easier for us to go, okay, I'll just go find somebody else.

Go back to my apps. Go back to whatever, you know, I. I'm doing to meet people. Or, you know, if there's a level of avoidance, too, it can feel more comfortable to just be outside of a relationship with the fantasy of what the relationship could be. Right. That's Phantom X. Like, when we hold on to an image of somebody, whether it be our dream woman or a past partner, and compare new partners to that woman to an extent where no woman can live up to that because that person's not actually in our lives. So we can create whatever fantasy we want.

Yeah.

We want to make sure that's not happening. So in that moment. How do you go? Okay, we have this process and maybe it's being executed, maybe it's not. Maybe there's something else coming up here. Right. Maybe someone's being triggered a little bit deeper. How do we look at this from a team point of view?

Yes. Team.

Okay. This process isn't working.

Yeah.

We thought this would work in this moment. Adjust.

Yeah.

Changes. So it does work. Instead of going, our process didn't work. This is it. It's done.

Yeah. For sure.

Right. Because we're human beings.

Yeah. And we're all going to mess up from time to time. You mentioned the wave of emotion and I would dare say that wave of motion can happen to a male or female at any point in time.

Yes.

You know, I was telling someone recently that oftentimes I myself come from a place of logic and then heart.

I tend to be most attractive people that are heart than logic. So just on having that awareness is like. Has been super important because even in this situation I was able to say, well, partner, potential partner. This is how I process information. If you just give me a minute. If we get into an emotional thing, just give me a few minutes to process and I'll be right there with you.

Yes.

Kind of scenario which I think actually ended up adding some safety, which is kind of cool.

So it's amazing. Usually what we're attracted to and this is polarity is what we're least familiar with. And so that masculine energy and the feminine energy is exactly that.

Yeah.

We're drawn to what you don't naturally experience because you're seeing someone else embody it.

Yeah.

And that feels really great and eye opening. But it's the same thing that we run from.

Yeah. That's awesome. Absolutely loved having you on the show. How can I find out more about your work? And we work with you.

Yes. Well, this has been so awesome. Please follow me on Instagram. It's just at. Emily Freeman coaching on Instagram. I also have a TikTok and a YouTube with the same handle. You can also join my private community on Facebook which is an awesome group of driven men who are looking to attract their dream woman. And yeah, I would, I would love to have you guys there. And it's been so great to be here.

Rock on. Well, everybody that has to check you out. Especially if you're. If you're a man, high achieving man like myself. If you're. If you're one of those. Emily's work will absolutely change your life and get you the right kind of female that actually is is really suited for you and vice versa. You'd be suited for her. So it's equal equality there. Awesome. Thank you so much, Emily. Take care.

Thank you.

I hope you liked that video. And if you did, make sure you check out this next video right here. So let me tell you from my perspective what surviving success is. It's overcoming complacency and consistently challenging yourself. And if you can't do that, then you could find yourself in a situation where whatever success you just achieved, whether it's monetary or something else in your life, you're doomed to fall back.