Emotional Intelligence (EQ) 101

Hey guys, welcome back. Check this out. Most people don't understand how their emotional intelligence is actually making or breaking their success. So in this episode we're going to do Emotional Intelligence 101 to help you win. Stay tuned.

Alright, so we're going to dig into Emotional Intelligence 101. Why? Because I can tell you from personal experience that one of the greatest stumbling blocks that most people have or roadblocks they have is, is a low level of EQ or what's known as emotional intelligence. Now, emotional intelligence is how you respond to things, right? So there's different areas of emotional intelligence. The first being kind of internal, right? What is going on inside of you? And as you're digging into the internal side of things, we're going to be looking at a few different things. We're going to be looking at how we look inside and how that kind of shapes out. So what I mean by that is a lot of times you have the situational self awareness. So when a situation occurs, how are you responding with that? Now a lot of times I like to look at it like on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being completely unhealthy and 10 being completely healthy. So if I say 1 being unhealthy, these people were typically defensive, toxic even, and they have a very aggressive or passive aggressive behavior system behind it. Now on the other hand, healthy people that have a high level of internal self awareness and internal emotional intelligence will typically be able to roll with the punches, find common ground and build bridges on a regular basis. So let's look at the first area here.

How well are you today at understanding the situation or understanding how you feel about a situation without reacting? In other words, can you just basically pause for a second and then choose an action to take or are you simply reacting? Okay, so. So a level one person is going to react. A level 10 person is going to digest and choose to act. So that's another piece. How well are you managing your overall moods? Okay, I like to say that attitudes reflect moods or attitudes influence moods. Right. So the attitude in which you're going at something will determine whether or not how you feel an emotional capacity about it. In other words, it's going to shape the feeling which I. E. Becomes a mood. Right? So attitudes equal moods. And if attitudes equal moods, then we have to be careful about what attitude we use to come in any situation, no matter the circumstances. Right. It could be as little as buying a pack of gum or as difficult as losing loss of a loved one. Okay. We got to be very careful with Our overall attitude. In other words, is it woe is me or what can I learn? All right, that's a different attitude, a different perspective that comes at that. Okay, the next thing we're going to talk about is body language.

So if I was to sit here right now, for example, and talk to you guys like this, like I have been, hopefully what you're discovering is that I'm approachable and wanting to connect with you. However, if I cross my arms and I have a stink face on, are you going to want to open up to me about your own thoughts and feelings and struggles and trans. You see what I'm saying? It's going to be very difficult if your body language is sending off a negative symbol. I can say that from personal experience because I actually struggled with that particular item myself personally for a long time. I might actually be working at my desk and doing my thing and then someone says, hey Steven. And I go with my stink eyes, right? And literally this is their response. I hit them with the stink eyes and they go like this.

Your body language plays a role in how you're actually involving yourself with other people, right? High levels of emotional intelligence would be aware. So now I have to be self aware of my emotional intelligence by actually saying, hey Steven and going just one second or yeah, yeah, what's going on? You see the difference for me going, why are you bothering me to. Alright, give me one second. Okay, cool. All right, what you got? There's a big difference in the body language, okay? So you got to be really, really careful with your body language. The other thing is how you actually relate to yourself in the process of self regulation, right? So when things are happening to you or around you or with you in the middle, how do you respond to those things? Right? What is your ability to control your thoughts? Because as we talked about before, thoughts become actions, actions become behaviors, behaviors become routines, routines become results, Right? We've talked about that several times. The ability to control your overall emotional state will determine your ability to actually win in pretty much every circumstance. So how are you responding? Right? Are you doing the stink eye face thing that I just did a second ago or are you being friendly? Are you being objective? Are you being open minded? Are you listening? Okay. People with high levels of emotional intelligence are great listeners. People with low levels of emotional intelligence don't barely listen at all. And I'm proud to admit that I'm probably somewhere in the middle. I would call it maybe a seven. And my wife would probably say, no, you're probably closer to a Five. As most wives would, it's important to understand where you are at any given time on your own level or bar graph, so you can focus on what to improve. All right? When you look at it, what are the intentions you're going at? There's an old saying that we judge ourselves by our intentions where everybody else judges us by our actions. What I like to do with emotional intelligence is I'd like to put a forethought on what my intention is to make sure my intention matches my action, right? If your intention doesn't match your match your actions, then there's room for improvement, right? And nobody's perfect, so it's okay to actually have room to improve. Right. People with low levels of emotional intelligence unfortunately think they have to give the presence like they know everything, otherwise somehow they're less valuable in others eyes. Ironically, people are actually more drawn to you when you're more authentic and vulnerable, saying, hey, look, I don't have all the answers, but here's some things I feel like I can offer and here's some things I think I need to work on. People are drawn to that. Why? Because everyone that's going out there trying to be something they're not, being inauthentic, right? Becomes a stumbling block for those who are. So what you want to do is you want to set yourself up to make sure your intentions max your actions, okay? And again, we want to make sure that we stay away from negative attitudes, okay? So if I was to flip over here for just a second because remember, we got a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being low, 10 being high, okay? You can see at the top, I have ability to understand. I have the ability to control my attitudes and my moods. I have the ability to control my body language. Whereas below, as we go lower on the totem pole, I've got negative, responsive, negative attentions, positive negative attitudes, okay? Why? Because attitudes always lead to thoughts, thoughts always lead to actions, actions lead to results, and so on and so forth. It continues. We've talked about that several times. What you want to do is to become so self aware that you can actually regulate yourself and where you're at in your emotional intelligence in that moment, internally first, okay? Because if you can do that, then it makes it really easy to kind of maximize the other area, the second area, okay? The second area is basically the external you.

Okay? As you can see, if you take care of the inner you first, it's going to influence how you respond to other people. And again, we've got the same one to Ten now. Okay. When I first started out on my own personal journey, I am not embarrassed at all to tell you that I was closer to over here, a two or three in my overall emotional intelligence. I was a horrible listener. I felt like I had to showboat or become arrogant to prove myself to other people. I felt like I was unseen, unheard, unvaluable. Why? Because I had a very traumatic upbringing. Right. I had a lot of, and some would say even PTSD from time to time. Right. But as you can see, we want to make sure that we're taking the time to regulate ourselves. And as we do, we then go to the other side. Okay. There's an old saying, if you want to fix your relationships, you fix yourself first. Right. So we're fixing yourself first here. Now we're starting looking at other people. Right. When you were actually engaging with other people at a high level, on a scale of 1 to 10, you would have the ability to understand them. So we're going to write the word them here. Okay. Whereas in the previous quadrant, it's understand yourself.

Okay. That's where that self awareness piece comes into play. So we have self and essentially others. Okay. Attitudes and moods. How well can you understand someone else's attitudes and moods? The people that are the most most emotional, intelligent, or have a high level of emotional intelligence, the one thing that they do better than anybody else is they have the ability to control themselves regardless of what else somebody else is doing. Okay. So let's assume that this person has a high level of emotional intelligence. We'll call it a seven. Right. They're up there, they're a good listener, and they have an ability to kind of manage conflict. Well, let's say this person's maybe a three. Okay. They're over here where I was back in the day. Well, as you can see, when they go to communicate, what are we going to have? Ah, yes. Conflict.

Why? Because this person is about self and this person is about others.

As you grow in emotional intelligence, so much of your emotional intelligence will come from whether or not you're focused on your own needs and own wants and own desires, or if you're able to watch what's happening in front of you, to regulate it in such a way. So high levels, ability to understand, ability to understand others. High levels, the ability to manage yourself correctly as not to escalate a problem regardless of someone else's attitudes and moods. And the same thing with their body language. One of the things that I've learned along the way of becoming a life and Business strategist, specifically is. Is to actually watch body language. When I'm sitting down with somebody, I'm actually watching whether or not their arms are crossed and stuff like this. And I'll be happy to share with you that a lot of people who say they want breakthrough, a lot of people who say they want transformation, a lot of people who say they want to go the next level, most times don't because when they come to sit down with you for the first time, they're like this with the whole crossed arm thing. So here's the trick is to actually be able to understand where they're at and build a bridge on how to get there. Okay? So I'll spend the first 20 to 30 minutes just getting to know them, getting to know where they came from, getting to know how their entire personality was shaped over time. And then they feel a sense of empathy. And that empathy draws out a sense of connection. The sense of connection then opens up the body language and they go from this cross stuff to more of a relaxed position. Once they hit the relaxed position, I understand intuitively that now's the time to probably where I can actually have the opportunity to speak into their life and hopefully add a lot of value. Okay, so again, internal you, external you, relational awareness versus situational awareness. How are you acting, reacting, moods, emotions. How are you able to understand someone else's actions, attitudes, moods and emotions? Does that make sense? Right, so we're going to be pay close attention again to the body language. Okay. When you're trying to develop your emotional intelligence towards others. If I'm working with someone who's very angry and very frustrated and just literally the cussing person, right. I've been around several that obviously do a lot of cussing in the construction industry. That's their way of trying to manage control instead of matching their anger, their frustration and stuff like that. I'll actually pretty much stay like this and I'll just consistently remind them, hey, I'm here to help you. What's going on? Look, I can totally understand where you've been and I might give an example of where I can actually build a bridge and how I would feel the same way. And then I respond with feel, felt found. Okay, I understand how you feel. I have felt the same way. But let me tell you what I found, okay? It's my way of building a bridge to de. Escalate the frustration, de escalate the conflict. The mistake that we make so many times is we think because someone else is yelling at us, we, we should Be yelling back at them. I will personally tell you that one of the most frustrating things for someone who's got a low level of emotional intelligence doing all this angry outburst stuff is to see you calm.

See you choosing to make a decision to act, react. Seeing you actually manage your moods and your attitudes the first time, it's going to feel very uncomfortable for them. They're not going to know what to do with themselves. However, if you continue on that progress, you'll see that they won't come at you that way anymore with that really big emotional outburst of problems because they'll feel like they have an ally. Right? So use feel felt found as a way to actually help you manage your emotional intelligence towards others. Okay? So if you can work, continue working on managing your level, your main level here of yourself, and then be consciously aware of other people's behaviors, body languages, everything like that, you're in good shape. Okay, so language and then tempo. The last one is tonality. It kind of goes with tempo. I tend to talk pretty fast. Okay. Our video folks will tell you I probably talk a mile a minute. Some of our videos, so much so that we have to slow down some things from time to time. They got to make me take five, six takes just to slow down. My natural tempo is fast. My natural tonality is just, just under loud, but just above normal. Okay. I know this about myself. So if I'm sitting with someone who has got a slower pace, meaning they, they process information slower, I'm going to. I'm going to lean into them and slow down to their pace as best I can. I'm also going to do my. I'm also going to do the same thing that they teach you even in sales. And I'm going to try to match their body language. I'm also going to try to take the time to match their overall tonality. So if you begin talking soft to me just like this, I'm going to say, yeah, help me understand some more.

These types of techniques help you actually gain understanding. Now, let me be clear. You should never use these tips, these techniques to manipulate other people. What you should be doing is trying to build a honest communication bridge with other people. And if you'll do these things with that motive behind what you're doing, then what you'll see happen is your. Your emotional intelligence will skyrocket and so will your success. I hope you enjoyed this lesson. I'll see you on the next one. Take care. If you enjoy this lesson about eq, then you should grab our free ebook linked in the description of this video. It's packed with information about how you can go from where you are today to where you want to be in your future. Also, do us a favor like comment and subscribe and we'll see you again on the next video.