How To Find TRUE Love! with RC Blakes, Jr.

So many people don't have that personal time to connect with the Creator, to connect with God and to discover themselves. And so we enter into these relationships with expectation that Lisa's going to give me what only God could have given me in that time of isolation and consecration, or Robert RC Is going to give me what only God could give to her. As Lisa. I try my best to talk people into taking that time between relationships. Most don't listen to me and they fumble one relationship after another after another after another. The greatest way to have a great relationship is to discover the one you have with yourself and your Creator. And that sounds like a whole lot of, you know, hyperbole coming from a faithfully and happily married man. But it was the greatest season of self discovery and connection to God in my life. It was when I had no relationship.

Man. I'll tell you what, I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while. You're one of the foremost thought leaders in this sector of relationships. And I want to come out of the gate with something that I find really interesting. And I've been trying to navigate myself a little bit, especially trying to father a grown daughter that I kind of adopted along the way. You know, she was a single pregnant young lady at 19 years old and met her at a restaurant and just resonated with her, you know, called her, I said, children of light. Recognize children of light. And that started off whole, whole conversation. Later discovered she grew up a lot like I did, kind of in a dysfunctional broken home scenario. And one of the things that we discovered very early on was her approach to men specifically and the type of men that she was attracting into her life.

Yes, sir.

We spent a tremendous amount of time trying to work with her on this is healthy. This is not healthy. This is healthy, this is not healthy. Why do so many of us, especially in the feminine energy, why do they struggle so much with attracting the right type of man? What's going wrong?

Well, you know, I'm listening to your story and.

It'S like the father in you was attracted to the daughter in this young woman. And I think that in my opinion, opinion I'm no, no mental health professional, but I think that speaks to the engine of this dysfunction in a lot of women. They have not, many women have not had the safe and authentic love of a man that wants nothing from her, nothing for her but her own best interests. And that's the father's kind of love. And every true man has that in him. But the way we're conditioned As a society.

We many times do not locate that best version of ourselves as men. And a broken man can only serve to break generations of women. And so when we see women who do not know how to really choose a healthy man, it's because most of them have not had that paternal example at home, which is where it starts.

Yeah, no, I think that's really important. In fact, I was, I was thinking back, I won't share my daughter's story without her, without her permission. But I know that I was very intentional when I was trying to kind of step into a father like role with her as to not even go as far as even hugging her until there was enough trust where she came to hug me.

Correct.

You know what I'm saying? It's almost like with the males, she's. So she's dating a great young man now, which is fantastic.

However, one of the things that I've seen up until that point, her and other people and myself included really, I had a heck of a time attracting in negative type relationships early in my, early in my, I guess, journey as well. But one of the things that I noticed was that she would attract in people that she thought could fulfill a need rather than being a whole person on the inside.

Correct.

Talk to me a little bit about that because that seems to be a common trend I bump into all the time.

Well, what happens is, what I've come to discover that happens in the heart of a woman is when a woman has not had the paternal deposit of a father's love, she then seeks that affirmation, that validation from her relationships with men. Well then the story, the plot thickens. Men in most cases will only serve to disappoint, break her, disapprove of her, reject her. So then the woman is psychologically caught in a thing I call the approval trap, where, where she's constantly searching for a man to say, you're enough, I love you, you're a value. And you know, it moves from one relationship to the next to the next and it's, it's like the, you know, chasing the carrot. It's, it's never going to fulfill.

Yeah. Well, it also seems to me that one of the things that I've seen is when you're not getting that, I'll call it male versus male versus female energy.

Right.

We all possess both. I find that we're supposed to operate in a healthy relationship and, and probably a larger dose in one or the other.

Correct.

One of the things that I've seen specifically, and this is just across the board is there's been confusion about what a healthy dose of male energy versus female energy and who's supposed to operate in that role or that responsibility. It's more confusing now than I think it's ever been. And I say that to say that I've seen young ladies who aren't getting the needs. Getting their needs or their. Their. Their needs met, so to speak, they actually will step into more of a masculine position, which then tends to repel the kind of man they're trying to attract.

Correct. Correct. And. And it becomes almost an angry kind of. Kind of energy that these young ladies display. And I think you said it so well. First of all, when you think about, you know, the way I was raised, at least in terms of what I was taught masculinity meant, there was no way in the world I would have ever admitted that feminine energy resides in some way in rsc. Blake, you know what I'm saying? You just don't do that.

I heard. Learn the same lesson.

Yeah, it's. And honestly, to be quite honest with you, it's been hard to actually say it, even though I know it.

Yeah.

Because of. Because of my conditioning. And so, you know, as we evolve and as we grow, we begin to understand, you know, that synchronization between a man and a woman. I was just thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I watch intentionally now. I watch intentionally how my wife. My wife takes care of a lot of business for me or for us, should I say? She handles most of the business. And so I watch her, and I watch how she moves in and out of that, masculine to feminine. She'll be in her office, in the house, and I can hear her taking care of business. And it's like, no, you're not gonna do it this way. We're gonna do it this way. And I don't want. If you can't do it the way I want it, let's just forget about it. And then she'll leave right out of that office, and she'll come to whatever part of the house I'm in, and she's like. She'll like, bae, you know, what do you want for lunch? And I see how that energy shifts. And as a man, as a healthy, evolved Christian man.

I understand now that there are seasons in my life, in our relationship where I have to serve my wife. You know, when you. We talk quite a lot about.

Women submitting to men.

Yeah.

But submission is a fruit, while the honor of the man is the root. It's the seed. That that gives birth to the fruit. And so even in terms of leading my. My home, leading my family, there are occasions where I recognize that my wife is best in leading this particular aspect, and I submit to that, and I allow my wife to lead. But I think today there is such a confusion. And this thing relative to masculine versus feminine energy has been sexualized. So men feel like, well, feminine energy is for a woman, and women feel like, well, masculine energy is for a man. Not realizing that we always vacillate in and out, but not necessarily in healthy ways.

Yeah, you know, I had a, I think a mutual friend of ours, John Gray, recently on the. On the show, who did Men Are from Mars, Women From Venus, and a bunch of other books. We spent a lot of time talking about duality and the male versus the female. And he said one of the telltale signs of a healthy relationship is when the man and the woman can go in and out of masculine and feminine energy based on their partner's needs at the appropriate time. And he gave an example of kind of what you did would mention with your wife, you know, she's there because there are a lot of fantastic female entrepreneurs out there in today's time, right. The ability to go out there and slay the dragon, you know, kill it, bring it home, you know, make the bacon, the whole deal. Right. But as soon as you come back in, you know, come back into the house, it's, you know, it's, you know, cuddled up to you and like, you know, you know, talking about, you know, kind of their emotional state and things of that nature, as well as the ability for the man to go out there, kill it, and basically come back home to a safe place. And that's something you. That you talk a lot about, is the importance of creating that safe atmosphere. The vast majority of couples that I see, I kind of. It's kind of like Jesus said, you know, the blind man's always going to be stumbling around everywhere, right. So I kind of feel like it's kind of that same philosophy. Most relationships that I see and even relationships that I've been in in times past because I didn't know any better, we're stumbling around, not really pursuing a safe place to build a foundation for relationship with the masculine and the feminine energy can travel in and amongst the relationship. So how do we create, or maybe how have you created, or maybe some practical tips to help create the safe place to allow the man to let down his guard, maybe take off his armor so it can be shined. Right. But Also allow the woman to get the. Her emotional and spiritual needs met, which is, which is part of the responsibility of a partner.

I think that speaking from my personal experience, we'll be married 29 years in October.

That's awesome.

And.

My wife comes from a background of abuse, so I'm the first man in her life that she's ever been able to trust.

And it's been, it's been, and it is yet a journey, you know, of building that bridge of trust. But one of the things that has worked for us is that since I'm so strong willed and she's so strong willed by necessity.

We realized that we loved one another. We knew that we were perfect for each other's future. We knew that God ordained us to be together. But God was not going to do the emotional intelligence exams for us. And so without even having language for it, many years ago, we sat down and said, okay, well, this is how we argue, you know, without ever being disrespectful or being, you know, abrupt.

We communicate what we're thinking and we listen to one another. Then we respond.

She sat down, she said, okay, these are my needs. This is what I need from you. I sat and I said to her, said, okay, these are my needs. This is what makes me feel disrespected. When I feel disrespected, I'm going to automatically be defensive. This is what makes me feel disrespected. So without having all of this modern psychological language that the world has now, we kind of did that work many years ago, which created.

A space for she and I to coexist without ever disrespecting or offending each other, allowing each other to be human, to be individual within the context of our union, and to create an environment where she can come home and she feels safe. I can come home and I feel safe. I think today there's just such a pitiful lack of emotional intelligence, not only as it relates to the world that we exist in, but even inside of our relationships, we've not done the work to actually listen or to communicate to one another. So we're living with people that we're not learning.

And learning, I use that word intentionally because 29 years, she and I, we've evolved. I guess this is maybe the sixth version of us.

Yeah.

And so it's a constant learning experience to coexist with a person and to create a healthy space. And nobody's going to feel healthy in a relationship where they are not known, heard, or, and, or seen.

Yeah, man, I was just thinking back to a conversation I had with one of my life coaches. You know, I'm sure I'm like everybody else that, that is seeking, you know, personal, professional improvement on a consistent basis. We have coaches, right. So we were talking about the difference between a companion and the difference between an emotional entanglement. And he was. I was. Because he's helped me try to understand because, you know, again, I had, I had years of toxic relationships for a number of years, and I couldn't for life. I was like, why am I attracting these people to my life? I'm looking for my Proverbs 31. That's what I want. Like, you know, like, help me get there kind of thing. And he, he broke it down. And that I. That I thought was pretty, pretty interesting in that an emotional entanglement is where when you're trying to solve someone else's needs or you're only seeking that person to solve a need within you. Wow. Rather than the companionship is two healthy and whole people who are already doing the work independently. You mentioned having six evolutions of you and your wife. That means you and your wife were growing independently together. If we use the old triangle approach towards God. Right. You're coming closer and closer, which is, I think, is profound. But the companion model allows for the other person to operate in their strengths. You become their cheerleader, but yet you don't get emotionally entangled in trying to solve a need that wasn't yours to begin with. And I know you kind of follow that same philosophy. How did you discover that along the way? Because, you know, in studying some of your work, you and your wife's work, you guys really have done a lot of work, especially with helping the. The future brides to be, or current brides, if you will, women specifically. How did you guys find your. Find your direction with that theology and then helping that. That particular tribe?

Well, it really came out of.

Me understanding the. The depth of the pain that my wife's history produced within her. And I was kind of fumbling the ball early on in our marriage because I was trying to fix those things in her. I was, I was trying as her husband. I was trying to do what only God could do in her. You know what I'm saying? This was a work that she and God had to work out together. And all I needed to do was just assist. I didn't need to go up for the dunk. I didn't need to score. I just needed to assist. I needed to be in place to support my wife through her journey. I didn't need to push her. I didn't need to pull her. I didn't need to do anything. So I fumbled the ball in that I was trying to be for my wife what only God could be. And it was misunderstood by her as control. She felt like I was trying to control her. She felt like my trying to push her into a state of healing, you know, was. Was trying to manage her. And so I soon realized that this is a personal work that has to happen in her. And then I also simultaneously realized that I had to readdress my.

My views and even my definition of manhood and what a husband is. And so it was there that we started getting this understanding of the two holes. It's the. The illustration we use is like a marriage or union is. Is like a pair of shoes.

Yeah.

You. You can't. If you go to the store right now and you buy what you think is a pair of shoes, and you open the box and one shoe is whole, but the other is just a sole. It's not a pair of. Yeah, that was an illegal transaction. They did not share. Did that. They did not sell you a pair of shoes. It's only a pair when there's a whole and distinct right shoe versus left shoe. Whole and distinct. And then somebody has the brilliant idea of putting these whole. These two whole individual entities together into a box and to sell them as a pair to perform a mission that's greater than either individual purpose. And so we have to do the work to make certain that I'm a whole right shoe. I'm a whole man. She has to do the work to make certain that she's a whole left shoe. She's a whole woman. And then we live in the context of this. This boxing called marriage or union. But it does not work if we don't continue to do our individual work, to show up as whole individuals for each other.

Yeah. Yeah, man. That's powerful. I was actually thinking, too, that occasionally you have a whole shoe. Who falls for a shoe with tax on the inside of the foot?

Right?

Call it. Call it the. Call it the toxic masculinity or the toxic feminine energy, because it'd be both.

Correct. Correct.

I think.

It seems to me that people find themselves in that situation. I was one of these people. So I get. I get to. I get to call myself out.

So was I that you.

It's because you rush into the next relationship. You never really take time. I call it. I call it minimum. Now, even with my daughter, a long time ago, when she wanted to date this young man, I said, just give yourself six months of solitude. Yeah, six months of solitude. Six months of you praying, you fasting, you reading, you listening to podcasts like go figure out who you are before you try to force fit yourself into somebody else's mold.

Correct.

Do you find that as being kind of the same thing? If that's what leads us towards toxic energy of other people, is that we're.

Rushing into it, I absolutely believe it. And I'll share some personal.

Experience of my own.

My wife is the first woman in my life that I've ever been faithful to. Never intended on being faithful, never felt like I could be faithful, never really saw faithfulness modeled a lot. But for my father, who had a real spiritual experience in his life and just transformed. But even after I saw his transformation, I was committed to living the life I wanted to live. And so God really got a hold of me at a very young age and I realized the purpose on my life, but my lifestyle was not aligning with that purpose.

And so I, you know, I met Lisa.

My wife, and we were dating for some years. And I said to her, because I had gotten to this point where I knew my purpose and Holy Spirit had really done some things in me that all of those things in my flesh, those vices were really subjected to the power of the Holy Spirit. So I said to Lisa, I don't think that I'm going to ever get married. I actually had the idea that I would just do ministry as a celibate preacher for the rest of my life. Here I am, this 20 some year old guy thinking I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. So I told her, I said hey, I said, hey, I'm glad it worked.

Out for you, because I don't that have been tough.

That would have been probably impossible. Might be the word. And, and so I said, I know your wife. I said, so you should move on. She said, okay, cool, I'll move on and I'll let you have your journey.

Can I tell you that it was during that time of solitude because I let, I, I released Lisa with no intent of ever having another. I didn't have another girl, none of that. It was just me and God in ministry. And I was doing exactly what you just got through talking about. I was studying the word of God. I was digging into, I was worshiping, I was digging into God's purpose for me. And then it's like at the appointed time I go by my mother's House. And my mom says to me, she says, where's Lisa? I haven't seen Lisa for a while. It had been a year since she had seen Lisa. I said, well, you know, I told Lisa to go on. I'm just going to commit myself to ministry. And my mom says to me, like, only moms can say, boy, you're not going to be able to be faithful. You're going to have to. You're going to be sleeping around. You're going to be doing things you're not supposed to do. You need a wife. She said, go and find Lisa. And I. I said, now, Holy Spirit, is she right? Holy Spirit said, yeah, Lisa's your wife. But my point is this. It was like God had to send me through that. That season of isolation. Watch this. Where I knew, and I felt in my heart that God was enough for me, that I didn't need Lisa to help me to circumvent my vices or to bring a sense of fulfillment to me. And it was then that God made clear to me and approved of me and Lisa's marital covenant. So many people don't have that personal time to connect with the Creator, to connect with God and to discover themselves.

Yeah.

And so we enter into these relationships with expectation that Lisa's going to give me what only God could have given me in that time of isolation and consecration. Or Robert RC Is going to give me what only God could give to her as Lisa. I try my best to talk people into taking that time between relationships. Most don't listen to me, and they fumble. One relationship after another after another after another. The greatest way to have a great relationship is to discover the one you have with yourself and your creator. And that sounds like a whole lot of, you know, hyperbole coming from a faithful and happily married man. But it was the greatest season of self discovery and connection to God in my life.

Yeah.

It was when I had no relationship.

Yeah. I was just thinking about some of God's generals looking at King David. He learned to be a king while in a cave.

Come on, man.

You know what I'm saying? And I was thinking through that. You know, one of the things, I think there's a big difference between solitude and isolation. Isolation is solitude with disconnection. And solitude is like real truth. It's. It's you with God. It's you reading, it's you watching. It's you going, you know. And a lot of people will think, well, if I don't jump into another relationship, what I'm gonna do with all this energy and all this time, right? It's like. It's like, you know, I'm reading John Gordon's new book, the One Truth. He's a good friend of mine right now. I've, you know, I've probably read probably 10 or 15 books in the last, you know, three or four weeks as I'm now walking out this journey of, like, okay, I want to make sure Stephen is good. And this is the first time in my life that I haven't felt the need to be on a dating app. That I haven't felt the need because. And now. Because now it's like, if I'm meant to be single, I'll be single. If I'm not meant to be single, that's okay, too. But God will bring whoever this. This person is in. In the future to me if from in that direction. You know what I'm saying? But again, to me, solitude and isolation are very, very different things.

I love that.

So break that down for me, because I want to trigger some thoughts in your mind.

Well, you know, I'm listening to you, and that's very powerful. I've never thought about it like that because most people view it as isolation when it truly is solitude. It's where it's where we really get clarity. And the thing that I recently said on some platform, I forget where I was speaking.

The only person that really qualifies to make a great marital mate is the one that's already married to his or her purpose. So when I hear you say, you know, hey, I'm cool. I'm doing what God has called me to do. I'm following purpose, and I'm trusting that God will bring whoever she is into my life.

Solitude is where.

We really get an opportunity to boil our lives down. I forget the author's name, and I'm reading this book now. I'm sure you've probably read it as voracious of a reader as you are. Essentialism. It's a powerful book. If you've not read it. And in this book, this author talks about how, oh, man, I wish I had it with me. But I'm right.

I'm actually writing it down as we speak.

You should write it down. But he gives this visual illustration. This is what I'm just trying to highlight. The power of solitude and really spending time with God and yourself.

He highlights. He makes this circle, and he has two circles. One here, one here. These circles depict the totality of a person's life. The first circle is a person that never found what is or what was essential to them because they never had that solitude. They always viewed solitude as isolation. And so with this circle, he has little arrows that just extend just so far, minimal progress going all the way around the circle that depicts a person's life, what a person's life looks like when they don't find what is essential. They find themselves accomplishing very little of a lot. A lot of very little. Then he shifts the illustration to a person who has found the thing that is essential to them, their reason for being, their purpose, the thing they have to individually be married to before they can really qualify to be someone's mate. And there's one arrow stemming from this circle, and. And it extends the length of the page. Same amount of energy in both lives. Yeah, but the direction and the intention made all of the difference in the world. Well, when I spent that time in solitude.

Not defining it as isolation, it was there that God made clear to me the things that were essential for my life. Watch this. This is how I also confirmed further that Lisa was not just a woman I was attracted to. She was not just a woman that was a friend. She was not just a woman that I liked, but she was a woman that was a purpose partner. But so many of us, because we. And I love it, man, because we define.

You know, that time alone as isolation. We miss the value that that season is to bring into our lives.

That's so good. It also had me thinking. I jotted this down a second ago. Solitude versus loneliness. The difference between the two is intent.

Intent, right.

Solitude. You're going into with the intention of being alone with your creator, alone with resource, alone with finding yourself, asking your qu. Asking the question, what is essential to me? What is essential to, you know, to what is my value? What. What do I value? What do I believe? And, you know, one of the things that I've discovered recently in one of my unfortunately past relationships that didn't end as positively as I would have wanted to have end was in many respects, as I was already married to my ministry. Right. I was already like, God has asked me to do this.

Right.

If you're. If you're going to cause me to. To choose between one or the other, that doesn't align kind of thing. And what I just heard you say was, it's your purpose, partner. Which means if your ministry is called to do this, and everybody has a ministry of their own, some. Some it's father, mother, some, it's speaker, author, business owner, bus driver, you name it, there's a ministry for everybody. But it sounds like from your, from your belief and experience, your purpose partner only comes after the, the solitude portion of life. And while chasing your ministry portion of life. And your purpose partner will never force you to choose between one or the other because they want to be part of the thing or they're part of it. Like your wife is right now, right? She, she said she's the business, she's the business mind. You know, she's probably with a calculator right now on a spreadsheet or talking to somebody on the telephone or whatever.

You're probably right.

Why you and I are. Why you and I are. You know, have a good conversation. Talk to me a little bit about.

How to maybe.

Well, I guess the word. Here's the word I'm looking for. Counterfeit. How do we prevent ourselves from falling for the counterfeit? Right? Because you know, even in the Bible there's counterfeit Christ that come throughout that can lead astray. And there's only one G. That kind of thing. So I believe that everything in life has an authentic. Oops. Has an authentic pen that thrives across the room, has an authentic self or an authentic. I'm going to create a new word. Authenticism. Authentic. And then you got a counterfeit, right? How do we not fall for the counterfeit and have patience for the authentic?

I think speaking from, speaking from my personal experience.

I was attracted, just like you, I was attracted to a lot of women that just did not serve great people, but just did not serve anything relative to my future. I was attracted on a sexual, physical, visual, really a low level kind of vibration. When I spent that time really consecrating and getting alone with God. Now watch this.

I didn't even recognize the full value of. Of Lisa, who I've been married to now for 29 years, happily, prior to me having my own personal encounter, my own personal time with God, my eyes were not evolved enough to actually see my wife who was in my face. God had to pull me away and there had to be a purging of me before I could step back into life and be able to visually, spiritually see. Okay, These people don't fit in my life. This woman is my wife. I think the greatest thing we may do that empowers us to elude the counterfeits is to become 100% authentic ourselves with ourselves. And when, when you are 100% authentic, two things are going to happen. You're going to repel anything that is fake and anything that does not match your energy is never going to agree with you. But when you're confused and you have all of these different ideas and you're guided by all of these different thoughts and whatever, it's easy for these things to enter into our lives. And then it's like after the fact, after we've wasted 12, 18 months of our life, after we've been bankrupted by it, it's then that we look back in retrospect and we say, well, I should have never done that. When we are purged and when we are 100% authentic, we can see it before we enter into it.

If that makes sense.

It what? Makes sense to me, because it seems like. So I've heard people often said, I used to say this. I don't say it anymore, but I used to say this.

One of the things that comes to mind specifically is this essence of I should have never been involved with that person. I should have never done this. I should have never done that. I should have never done that. I'm a big believer that it happened as is it was supposed to happen based on the season of life that you're in to then show you. Yes, sir. The evidence of what you're supposed to be paying attention to and the evidence of what you're currently attracting. Therefore, it's a tool, not a resource, or so you can let go of. For me, at least, I can let go of the. The mistakes made in relationships in general and then take away from it. This is what I need to apply to my life to become a better version, a higher version, a higher vibration version of myself, to then illustrate myself or manifest myself in a whole different direction.

Correct.

So talk to me a little bit about the. I also believe that if it's going to function, it has to flow. So talk to me about function and flow and what are a healthy relationship should feel like, because I. I would say about 80 of the relationships on the planet probably are not functioning in flow or not functioning in unity or, or alignment. They're. They're just constant mismatches everywhere. Which is why I think, you see, the divorce rate climbed so high in the last several years. There's no, There's. It's almost like there's no single source of truth anymore. So from your perspective, what does a healthy relationship look like, feel like, smell like, taste like?

Exactly. Well, I'll say this. First of all, there is no cookie cutter model. You know, like, I see people on social media. Everybody says, well, relationship goals, they'll see. Well, Lisa and I celebrated 8, 28 years last October. We'll be celebrating 29 years this October, and they'll put relationship goals. I want to be like you all. No such thing. Every relationship has to find its own rhythm. Now, what that means for me as a man inside of my relationship may not, more than likely will not be what that's going to mean. But you as a man inside of your relationship, so it's. It's personal, it's individual. It has to grow, you know, you cannot. You know, I see. I see people that brag about, you know, how many years they've been married, but how many of those years have been happy.

Yeah.

And it's. It's. It's miserable to be confined to a relationship where there is no growth. I have a little plant here. I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. It's just green enough. It doesn't really seem like it has life. The leaves won't stand up. It's not really growing. It's in a whole pot by itself. I'm watering it, I'm doing all of these things, and it's just barely hanging on. I'm trying to figure out if I'm gonna throw it away or not because it's not producing. A relationship should grow. It should evolve. I just said Lisa and I have had about six evolutions in our relationship over 28 years. A lot of people I know who've been married as long have not evolved, and they're. They're miserable in the confines of their relationship.

Would you. Relationship. Would you say that that's a possibility of being. And again, I'm trying to. I'm trying. We're using some biblical terminology, but I'm also trying to find the right way to help people. I believe if we all choose, if we will focus on ourselves, we'll make better choices. If we choose better, we'll have better and be better.

This principle of unequally yoked. It sounds like you and Lisa are equally yoked, not just because of God, but because you've both been pursuing your elevation. Whereas someone may have entered into a relationship at the same vibrational level early on, one chose to grow, one chose to stay still or retract. Now, that's created an unequal yoking, so to speak. Would you say that there's any truth to that? Possibly.

I think that there's a whole lot of truth to that, because Lisa and I got together for far more than we shared the same faith or we went to the same church, or we liked each other specifically. I went back after a year And a half. And I apologized to Lisa and I asked her to marry me, and we got married within, I think, a month and a half or something. Something like that. I went back specifically because I knew that Lisa fit my future.

Intellectually, we're on the same frequency. We. Conversations are yet exciting with my wife when she has time to talk, you know. Yeah. I enjoy her company.

We don't necessarily have all of the same hobbies, but we both learn each other's hobbies and we have things we share together. The camaraderie is unbelievable. When you start thinking about the concept, the biblical concept of being equally yoked. A lot of folk think that just means, well, you know, we both love Jesus. Yeah. I have this Bible. We both love Jesus. We go to the same church, and that's enough. That is not enough. Because many marriage is more than spiritual. It is business.

It is the business of life. It is the business of doing life together with one person for the rest of it. It's, it's. It's financial decisions. It's raising children. It's making tough choices. It's going to be hard to do that with a person just because you. You got a Bible and you go to the same church. This person needs to be intellectually compatible. They need to be committed to the growth mindset as much as you are. You can't be reaching for the penthouse while they're satisfied in the basement. You know, there has to be a shared vision of what the future looks like. My vision has to be able to encompass my wife's gifts, her desires have to be able to encompass, you know, there's so much more to it than we love Jesus. We go to the church, and we're gonna make a great run of it.

Yeah.

Temperaments, all of these things play into being equally yoked, especially in terms of a marital relationship.

Yeah. See, I knew I was gonna love talking to you.

Yeah. You know, you think about what you. You think about even we. We get married thinking that. Well, and I have to bring this up since we're here. Well, you know, she's like the most. She's the sexiest woman I've ever met. I'm just going to enjoy having. Making love to my wife for the rest of my life. Can I tell you.

That that lasts all of about six months. Maybe six months. And then the business of life really kicks in.

Yeah. All of a sudden, there's bills to pay, there's people to move around, there's traveling to happen. Yeah.

Children sleeping in your bed that, you know, Your wife has babies and the baby stays in the bed for five. She's born. I won't call any names. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

There's so much more to it, man. And if it were not for all of the other things, the subsurface things.

That play into our chemistry, there's no way in the world our relationship would work. Doesn't matter that I love God and that I'm a. I'm a man of God and she loves God. If we didn't have all of those other things in place, my honest testimony could not be that we've been together going on 29 years happily. And I put happily because a lot of folk think they're gonna get a prize just for hanging out together. You know, being together 29 years miserably is nothing to celebrate. We've been together 29 years happily, and it's been because of those other factors. Same financial philosophy, similar philosophies relative to how we raise children. You know, all of these things, man. The list goes on.

Yeah, no, that's why I wanted to bring it up is because, you know.

Sometimes we'll get introduced to people, you know, in our. Through our friendship channels or whatever. Maybe it's church, maybe it's business, maybe it's in the public. And, you know, you might jive on three or four things, you know, but there's like 15. We'll call it 15 major ones. There's probably more than that. I'm just using around a random number. But there's 15 major ones. Right. And those 15 major ones, you're. You're. You're saying yes to three. And if you settle, you're saying no to the other 12. Right. If you say no to the other 12, then you're going to end up in unfulfillment. And I would dare say with enough unfulfillment, over time, one or both parties are going to become toxic to the other person.

Correct.

So in that same vein, one of the final questions I have for you while I got you is let's talk about a little bit about what toxic masculinity looks like. Selfishly from my daughter. Selfishly also, because a huge chunk of our audience, about 60% of our audience, even though they're highly successful entrepreneurs and business owners and aspiring leaders and achievers are female.

I want them to have wholeness. I want them to have great relationships and great businesses, all that brought up into one. And as someone who has been attracted to toxic femininity.

Correct.

I assume that there's telltale signs of toxic masculinity and, and we need to give them the signs, if you will, to follow the seasons to say, yeah, I'm not moving any forward, I'm good.

Yeah, Well, I think toxic masculinity starts with the energy of a man.

You know, when a woman is around a man, if you're paying attention there, there's an energy that a healthy man produces which is restful.

A toxic man will produce an anxious energy.

Now, you know, in other words, there's just something about the way he moves, what he says that just. It has you on edge and that's intentional because toxic men want to get.

You.

Off balance so as to manage you. Now, here's the problem that many women are going to discover or will experience. Hopefully this sends a. Turns on a light bulb. Healthy masculinity, which is peaceful and restful and calm, has been promoted in this society as boring.

A man that's edgy and unpredictable, full of. Creates a lot of anxiety, is presented as attractive. Hollywood makes this man, you know, he's the one you want.

So it's going to start with energy. Does this man produce peace in you or is this man producing a sense of anxiety? And you will notice this, the woman will notice this in that no longer are her accolades, her accomplishments, her.

A great character. None of these things matter now she's going to gradually begin to feel less and less, even more oppressed. You know, she's going to feel heavier, but she's going, there's going. He's going to create within her almost like salt creates the thirst for water. He's going to create within her a thirst for his approval. So a toxic man will take and he will drop sudden or subtle, should I say? He will drop subtle.

You know.

Negatives relative to you and maybe do it with a smile, but, you know, yeah, you know, you'd be great if you just lost about £5. You'd be amazing. Oh, but you're doing good now. But see, he's planted the seed. And these seeds turn into ongoing thoughts in the mind of the woman. Toxic man is a man that does not listen. He manages you, he manages the conversation. He does not listen. He. He does not answer questions directly. He's almost like a shrewd politician. He can speak for 15 minutes and never really answer the question and move you on to the next thing.

He's a man that you're not going to be able to pin down, in fact, about it. Since we're on this subject, the, the Maneuvers of a toxic man play out like this. This is for young women who may not understand what we call the game he discerns. A toxic man is a student of the woman he's interested in.

So he discerns what she's, what she's really, you know, what our hopes and her dreams and our goals and what she loves. And he initially presents an image of himself that looks like it fits that ideal.

And what he does is he overdoses her on time and attention and he gives her, he makes her feel like he is the answer to her prayer. And all of this is to position her for sexual conquest. And then once he has attained what he desires to attain, then she begins to discover that now he's pulling back. He used to show up every day of the week. Now he's showing up three days a week. He used to answer the phone on the first ring. Now he may call back like he may not. It's more textile now. And he pulls further and further and further away from the woman. And what this does is as he pulls away from her, this is depleting her self esteem because she thought that this was going to be for life. She didn't have any clue that this was just a game being played. And so toxic men are real. But speaking to the issues of men as well, we many times were raised to be that way. And when we function in that capacity, it is, it is the evidence that we are struggling and are empty within ourselves as men. When we wake up and we heal and we're whole as men, what happens within us is that there's a natural inclination to undo all of the damage that we've done. The father's nature comes out of us like it did with you and your daughter. Yeah. And so people say, well, R.C. why do you speak so much to the issues of women? I had been that guy for so long in my youth that now I've spent almost half of my. My life speaking to the issues of women. Because a healthy man, his first inclination is to protect all women. And so, you know, those are some of my thoughts.

No, I love it. In fact, I would dare say that it's an act of redemption in many respects. Restoration, Redemption.

Absolutely.

Oh, man. So I've enjoyed our conversation, dude. And I hate we have to end it, but working. Everybody find out more about you and all that good stuff.

Well, if you go to rcblakes.com, that's my website, everything I'm doing is there. Check out my YouTube channel at R.C. blakes Jr. On YouTube Facebook, Instagram, all of those different places, you know, And I'm starting to travel a little more now since the world has opened up again. So if you go to my website, you can see my, my travel schedule and all of those things. But man, it's been a real pleasure connecting with you today. You are, you are a fine, fine gentleman.

Oh, thank you.

The world needs more. More like you really appreciate the work you do, too.

I appreciate that. Well, I can't wait to see you again, my friend.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Let's do it again.

I hope you liked that video. And if you did, make sure you check out this next video right here. To me, that's where a lot of marketers go wrong.

You know, they want to draw up this Lamborghini plan.

I don't believe in that. Yeah, I draw up a one month plan.

You want to know why? Because I don't know what the hell is going to happen in that month, and neither do you. But the data does.

The data is going to tell us what happened.