My SECRET To UNLOCKING Your BEST SELF | Justin Schenck

I think, I think how people define success is, it's like an endpoint, right? Like, once I get there, I'll then be successful, happy, fulfilled, whatever. And I think the true meaning of success is finding fulfillment in this moment.

You said this really interesting line that I picked up. It says who you were before, who would you be if you weren't who someone said you already are? Or something along those lines. Like, yeah, that was such a powerful statement. I've literally been thinking about it. I started doing, you know, a little bit of prep work, you know, for a good bit last night. And it's literally hung with me all the way to this morning. So break that down for us. You got to. That's just too good. Not, not to start off with.

So. So it's a, it's a question which is prefaced, you know, who were you before the world told you who you should be?

Yeah.

And the first time I heard it, like, I was shook. I was like, wow, like, what? That means so much. That's such a powerful question that I don't know if a lot of people can answer right. Even people that are fulfilled in their life, I don't think they can answer it. And it really took me back, and this is a question that I didn't even hear that long ago, but I realized I had a moment in my life that made me ask that question to myself. And it was when my mom passed away. So my mom battled opioids for 20 years and she ended up losing the battle about. Actually, we're coming up. We're a couple days away from the six year anniversary of her passing. And it was in that moment when she passed away that it made me think, like, what am I living for? Right. I had a desire to be a successful entrepreneur, but then I realized I was chasing that because society said, hey, go make millions of dollars building your own business and doing all these things. And I wasn't chasing those things for the right reason. And so even though that wasn't the specific question I asked myself in that moment, it was really that moment of like, why am I doing what I'm doing? And I realized it was because society said that's what success is. And I wanted to prove people wrong because of how I was raised and how I grew up. And I wanted to be a success. And I honestly didn't know how to define success at that moment. And so, yeah, it was really kind of a. When that question was formed that way, to me, it's not my quote. I wish it was, but when that question was posed, not to me, but we were having a conversation, me and a bunch of really cool people. Somebody said that, and I was like, that's the most powerful question you can ask. And so I've really kind of. I've owned that question, and I use it a lot. I just spoke down in Orlando at an event a couple days ago, and it was part of my talk. But it's such a powerful question, man. It really makes you stop and go, whoa, what? Who am I? Who am I, really?

Yeah, No, I think it's. I mean, like I said, it hung with me all last night. And, you know, you and I have, you know, we have different stories, but similar stories, meaning both people have. Overcoming, you know, pretty substantial adversity. And. And, you know, I think. I don't think the vast majority of the audience listens to this show and watches this show is the same thing.

Right.

They're. They're.

They're.

I. I was actually writing a, you know, some. Some blogs and some stuff like that, and I finally realized that my ideal client is what's known as the misfit warrior. Right. They don't really fit in necessarily anywhere and stuff like that, but they have this warrior tenacity. And you're. You're death. You're definitely brother to me in that respect, you know, But I felt like that I want to start with that question because I feel like a lot of people limit themselves. You know, they limit themselves based on someone's personal beliefs or mom or dad, grandmother, husband, wife, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend. Like, we're constantly trying to live up to someone else's expectations. And my curiosity is, do you think that people do that because it's more scary to live up to your own expectations rather than actually just kind of like, play out someone else's?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know if that's necessarily true. I think it comes from the idea that we all have these limiting beliefs. And we go, well, since in my own eyes, I don't view myself as great, wonderful, whatever. We look for the acceptance of others. And how do we look for the acceptance of others? We give them what they want. Right. So as these people say, well, this is who I expect you to be, we change our lives to try and form into the person they want us to be. I've been in those damaging relationships where I wasn't actually who they wanted, but the promise of what I was showing at the time said, hey, maybe he'll turn out okay. And so I would do Everything possible to become that person and it just, it doesn't fit. Right. I become even more miserable in those moments and more miserable of who I am and I question my path and my journey and who am I really supposed to be. And then, then I dig myself into that hole and I begin to self sabotage and do those things. So I think it's the understanding of not knowing who we really are. Right back to that first question you asked.

Yeah.

And if we don't know who we are, we don't have acceptance of who we are in this moment. That's when trouble happens. Right. So. So I just talked about an event I was speaking at in Orlando this last weekend and I started out with them writing I am with a blank on top of the page and I told them to write a word and I said whatever word you want. Could be frustrated, broke, broke in, hurt, hurting, sad, happy, whatever, whatever you want to write there. Write that in that moment and then underneath. Right. And that is beautiful.

And that is beautiful because we're told that if we're not happy or if we're not quote, unquote, successful, whatever success means to society, then that's not beautiful yet. Right. We have to strive to the next thing or be the next thing. But I've had way too many conversations in my life when all my podcasts these high achievers to understand that it's not that goal that's going to give you the fulfillment and happiness in your life. That's just some fake thing that we're shooting for in hopes that once we, once we attain that, then happiness happens. And so, so yeah, I mean, to back to your question, I really think it's the idea that we don't know who, who we truly are meant to be and we don't know what, what our purpose or our passion is in life. And so we try and fill that void in hopes that we feel the love that we're supposed to feel for ourselves from someone else, whether it be a mentor, a loved one or whatever.

Yeah. I mean, it seems to me that, you know, I've always said that I felt like there's three great questions in life. If you can answer these three questions, you can like live in a very profound and meaningful way. And the number one thing is who am I?

Right.

Most people can't actually articulate who they are. They can't articulate their strengths or struggles or blind spots, you know, and nor can they, nor can they really articulate what it is they really want out of life. You know, you mentioned Defining success a second ago. Right.

I, as, you know, me personally, I didn't figure out my meaning of success until I technically had what the world would deem a success and felt and then discovered how empty it was. Right. You know what I'm saying? So I'm curious to know, you know, given all your experience, everywhere you've been, and obviously you've become very successful yourself, what is your definition of success? I mean, what, what, how would you articulate that? Because I want to give people some semblance of what, what to hunt for. Because I feel like we're, you know, we're hunting for rabbits, we should be hunting for mooses. I think I was kind of a strange way to say that, but, you know.

No, I love how you said it, actually. You know, I think for me, success is really being fulfilled in this very moment and can continue to strive to be a better version of myself every single day.

You know, I think how people define success is it's like an endpoint, right? Like, once I get there, I'll then be successful, happy, fulfilled, whatever. And I think the true meaning of success is finding fulfillment in this moment and finding fulfillment with who we are. Like, I, like many, many people, had had, especially in business, had had a very rough 2020, and if I wasn't fulfilled with who I was, that would have defined me, right? My goals and the goals I didn't achieve in 2020, I would have crushed me. Right. Like, you know, we're both in the live event space. You have your event. I do my event. And I had a goal of having 300 in person people in 2020. By the way, before COVID I didn't have to say in person. It was just assumed.

We're just assuming. You got an Olani Cayman saw us.

Yeah, no, exactly. Right. And so, you know, my goal was 300 people. And if I tied my worth to that goal and then Covid happened or something else happened because there's so many things out of our control, then I wouldn't have known my worth. Right. I wouldn't have known who I truly am. And so I think being fulfilled, meaning success, failure, whatever, that becomes the eye opening moment. You know, a number of years ago, I was really struggling with who I was. And it's funny, I had the success with the podcast, but I wasn't really the person who I was showing on the show. I was struggling with a lot. Right. And this was right after my mom passed away. I was in a relationship that I made bad along with the partner that I was with at the time made it bad as well. And we were just too damaged people trying to make something work. And I was going through some stuff and my coach at the time, we were having a conversation, she's like, I was fighting with the girl that I was dating and she goes, how are you feeling right now? I go, well, I'm angry, I'm really angry.

And.

And she goes, well, that's okay. You just can't be an asshole. Which is true, number one. But number two, that was the first time in my life anybody ever gave me permission to be anything but happy.

Yeah.

Yeah. And that was a huge eye opening moment for me to go, wait, I can actually be okay if I'm angry, I can be okay if I'm sad, I can be okay if I'm frustrated. And it was really an eye opener for me to be like, hey, that was a great first step in understanding fulfillment, to understand that it's not what you can write on a page. It's not the things you can achieve or buy or fill your space with. It's so much about being accepting of who you are at any given moment.

Well, I mean, and it's funny, we've kind of already talked all around it since we've been chit chatting and we're only getting started, which is kind of cool. But permission is power, right? One thing we, you know, I had this lady at one of our last live events and she had never given herself permission to be a standalone adult. She thought that she was going to have to take care of her mother for the rest of her life because her mother always said, your job is to take care of me. Now, in a given circumstance, if her mother is incapacitated or ill or something like that, okay, so on and so forth. In this particular case, her mother was very much healthy, very much capable, just unwilling to move right or unwilling both literally and physically. Talk to me a little about the power of permission because, you know, I feel like it's been a huge part of your story and your transformation.

Yeah. You know, I hear from the person that attended your event, this is a limiting belief that was formed in her life. And I think we think of limiting beliefs as those things of like, oh, I could never be a millionaire because of this or that. But it can go as deep as I didn't know I could separate myself from my parent. I didn't know any. I didn't know I couldn't. I could speak on a stage or whatever. And so it really began for me to understand, like hey, how can I give myself permission to be anything I want, to have anything I want?

It's good.

And it really began, like, understanding, like, what are my limiting beliefs and where do they come from? And so I really did a deep dive and a study on what are limiting beliefs and where do they come from in our lives. And I learned through the process. At first I thought they were only. They only came from three places. And I'll tell you those three. First one is your childhood, right? Like that woman saying her mother's always said, it's your job to care for me. But it could also be you're walking down the mall when you're a kid with your mom, right? Back when malls were a thing, and you're walking down the aisle of the mall and your mom runs into a friend from college and she gets all excited and you hide behind your mom's leg and they go, oh, that's just Steven. He's just shy. That's a limiting belief. You will hold onto that a lot longer than you think, right? So number one childhood. Number two is self doubt, right? That self negative self talk that we have ourselves sometimes. Look, my whole life I battled weight up and down, up and down, up and down. And so I always thought I was a pudgy kid, the fat kid, the whatever, at times. And I realized that nobody ever made fun of my weight. This was totally on me. Like it was me looking in the mirror and going, wow. And so that was a limiting belief I had. You know, the third thing is society. Society says, hey, you were born poor, you're going to be poor. Society says, hey, you're black, you can't do certain things. Hey, you're a woman, you're not allowed to do these things. And a lot of us own those things. And a lot of us can kind of buck the system and say, no, I'm better than right. I look at my life and they say that if your parents an addict, you have 50% chance of being an addict. And if your parents in jail, you have 50% chance of ending up in jail. My dad spent some time in jail. But if you look at those statistics, I'm 100% screwed, right? That's what society says to me. But I chose to kind of buck the system and move forward. And then the fourth thing is your subconscious. There are subconscious things, things that we've kind of hidden in our past, things that we chose not to remember that we have to do the work to uncover and then, and then kind of work through. And those limiting Beliefs are the things that end up defining us and they are the things that tell us we're not permitted to. Those are the things telling us it's not really your boss or your parent or your significant other, it's you and the limiting beliefs you've accepted for yourself, right?

Yeah, for sure.

People like, for instance, like, you know, a limiting belief could be you're in an abusive relationship and they tell you that you can't leave me because you can't do better than me.

And that happens far too much all the time.

It's a terrible thing, man, that I'm learning more. I'm talking to more and more people that have really dealt with this, both men and women. And you believe that. And so even if you get out of that relationship, very often you get into the very same kind of relationship because that's the permission you've given yourself is I can only be in these relationships where I'm controlled, manipulated, abused.

Yeah.

And so it's really about how do we overcome those limiting beliefs. And I developed a three step process that is very easy or very simple, but not easy. So the first thing is you have to get uncomfortable. You have to do the thing that breaks the pattern, right? If you're afraid of public speaking, go public speak. If you are afraid of leaving your abusive spouse, get uncomfortable and leave. Even if it means you're going to struggle for a while, you have to do it. So that's step number one, get uncomfortable. Step number two, surround yourself with the right people. Who is that support, support system that you have in your life that can help you through those tough times of being uncomfortable. And then step three is take action because nothing works unless you do. And like I said, it's a very simple three step process. It's just very hard to get through, right? And so I'll give an example of this. I had mentioned earlier how I kind of battled weight in my life, right? And I was like, why can't I figure this out? Why can't I be the person who exercises regularly? Like I don't even care about how much I weigh. I care about why can't I just stay physically active for X amount time? I could go in and do a couple of weeks or a couple months and then I fail. And then, and then so on and so forth. And so I went into 2021 actually. I said I'm going to break this cycle. I don't know where it's from, but I'm going to break it. So I did an evaluation of like where does this limiting belief come from? And I rewind to when I was 12 years old. I had broken my hips when I was 12, by the way, that's a whole nother story. But I broke my hips and I ended up having five surgeries. And I remember sitting in very. This is like yesterday, man. When I. When I went back to this memory, I remember sitting in the doctor's office after my fifth surgery and the doctor coming in and going, you know, my mom was like, you know, what can he do? He goes, well, I can go run around and, well, he can do what he wants. And then he looked at me and he goes, but you won't be an athlete.

And so in my mind, I could never remain physically active for a long period of time because I can't be an athlete.

Otherwise you get hurt or injured.

Yeah, exactly. Otherwise I get hurt or injured. And then. So when I would begin to get healthy, meaning stay active for X amount of time, I would actually then self sabotage. And I would do everything possible that would make me not feel good enough in the morning to work out, AKA go have some beers at night, do whatever. I would make all the excuses of I'm too busy to get it done, all these things. And I would self sabotage that. And so what I did in the beginning of 2021 is I signed up for 75 hard. Or I decided I'm going to do 75 hard. And you guys can. I'm not, I'm not going to explain. Cause I feel like this is the longest answer of all time, but go look it up to see what it is. So I was like, hey, I'm going to get uncomfortable. I mentioned on my podcast that does fairly well that I'm going to do it. Um, so I got uncomfortable. Second thing, as I surrounded myself with the right people, my girlfriend did it with me. And this is how you know, by the way, that you're surrounded by the right people. The first day we're doing our workout outside, and I go, babe, I'm an athlete. And she goes, yeah, you are. Now keep in mind, this is the heaviest I had been in like 15 years. Like, I certainly was not an athlete, but she goes, yeah, you are. And then I took action and I did 75 hard. And I can safely say now, November 11th of 2021, I consistently have worked out three to five days a week, every single week this year. And I will continue to do that for the rest of my life. So, longest answer ever. But giving yourself permission is really overcoming those limiting beliefs in Order to go ahead and go be the person that you're supposed to be.

Yeah. So just for the record, I actually like long winded answers because I feel like that's where that's all the goal just kind of falls out of the pouches as you're walking along. So I'm down with it. I want to stay in the same vein of limiting beliefs and expectations. You know, there's a lot of folks that I've ran into that, you know, when I talk to them, you know. So what's going on? Well, this is going on. Okay, well, why is it not changing? Well, because when I was younger, because this. Because that I never. Right. And obviously, as someone who's in my shoes and in your shoes, we have a pretty keen understanding about really what's holding them back in that moment. But I want to talk a little bit about how past predicts future. Right. And kind of hearing your perspective on that, obviously you lost your mom, I assume, you know, with the folks that I've worked with, with addiction, a lot of times, they believe once an addict, always an addict kind of mindset. So I know there's. I feel like there's some, Some. Some. Maybe some gold there that I want to shake out for the audience.

Yeah. You know, I'm glad you brought this up. And this is something that, you know, when you talk about addiction, it's something that, for whatever reason in my life has been coming up more and more. Like, when I get on podcasts, like, people really dive into that whole thing of, like, you know, once you're one thing, you'll always be that one thing, or, like, what defines these people or why is it happening? And so I'll talk to my mom here for a second. So, you know, my mom battled opioids for 20 years, and if anybody watches, I can't think of the name right now, but there's a show right now on Hulu focusing on opioids and how the epidemic.

My wife and I were watching that last night.

It's so good.

Oh, it's really good.

Yeah, it's so good. But that's exactly what happened. My mom was. Was a part of all of that. It was right around the time. So I was 12 years old when she started the addiction that we know of. And it was right around the time that these things were starting to. They were starting to write them for people. So my mom started because she had pain just like most people. But my mom didn't die from an addiction. My mom died because she didn't love herself.

And I think there's such power in that. To get stuck in your patterns, to get stuck in who you are or who you've been, I should say it means you don't have a form of love for yourself because you're not willing to put in the extra work because you think you're not deserving of more than what you have now. And so you're going to continue to self sabotage, you're going to continue to stay stuck in those same patterns because you don't think you're deserving of more. And I think the biggest thing in order to change, you know, the who we were into, who we want to be, is to figure out how to love ourselves. And that's probably the hardest journey for many people because there's no, there's no antidote. And I'll tell you this, because my mom passed away not having self love. My big realization was not only I was chasing what society said I should be chasing, but I didn't love myself either because I was never taught how to love myself. Like, if you're raised in a family where everybody loves themselves unconditionally and they do the things they need to do to take care of themselves, that's different. But I wasn't raised that way. And so I didn't know. I didn't know how to love myself. And so very early on in my podcast there was a continuous theme with my guests of how do you love yourself? How do you define self love? How do you do this? And like it was for me, the first two to three years of my podcast were all, it's all for me. Right? And you know, it's private therapy sessions with the best people in the world. How do you not utilize that? Yeah, right. And the one thing I will say is nobody gave the same answer as to what self love is is. And nobody really knew how to define it. I would say the most consistent answer is forgiving yourself.

Not only for past behaviors, not only for the big things you've done wrong in your life, but for the little things daily. Right. Like we understood, dude, you and I are both friends with some of the top people in the world, right? We have that honor and opportunity to sit down with them. And I consider you one of those individuals in my life too.

Appreciate that, man. Thanks.

It's true. And you know, when we sit down with them and get to know them on a personal level, they have the same issues and the same worries and the same whatever, but they've set themselves up with the Right. People around them in order to overcome them. And I've realized as often as this saying is talked about, it's 100% true. You know, you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. And sometimes it is as simple as, you know, learning how to love yourself or how do I talk to the right person to get through the hurt and the trauma and the pain. I'm a big believer in therapy. I think everybody should do it. And then whatever else. What other options you need to search. Right. Like, I'm also a spiritual person. So can you do some meditation or some energy clearing or work with crystals or whatever works in your favor, do that too. But you have to make sure that you have that those individuals around you to say, hey, try this or do this. Because self love is such a long journey. And for me to have a conversation about what that means, it's hard for me even because it's still a journey for me. I love myself a lot more than I used to, but there are still days where I beat myself up. But that's my journey, right? That's my growth journey. That's me overcoming all those obstacles and those things. And every single time I forgive myself again, I go to that next level.

But I think that journey really is how do I forgive myself for.

Whether you want to call them mistakes or hiccups or patterns, whatever, how do you forgive yourself? And I think that's the first step to letting go of who you've always been, to becoming who you are meant to be.

I love it. And by the way, I'm literally thinking in my head, like, Justin and I should totally do like a live event swap. Like I come to yours. You come to mind because I got a whole section straight up on forgiveness. Yeah. So we got to work on that.

For sure. Yeah, man, for sure.

Let me ask you this. On the subject of self sabotage, I actually love this conversation is going because I feel like we're getting some pretty good meat.

That's. And that's one of the things I love most about you is you're willing to go deep. Right. Not everybody that comes on our shows all the time will go deep. Right? Yeah. On the subject of self sabotage, it seems to me one of the reasons it's so difficult to break that pattern or cycle is because it's more subconscious than not. Are you finding that as being the case as well with self sabotage with the folks you've worked with?

Oh, yeah. It's 100% self. What did you say subconscious? It's 100% subconscious, for sure. Because nobody actually wants to fail. You know what I mean? Nobody wants to not reach their goals. Nobody wants to stay stuck in the same patterns. Right. I saw it with my mom. I saw every single emotion that you see an addict go through. She. She has a relapse. She. I walk into a room and she's high on pills, and you try and deal with that and you emotionally get through that, and then she does the things she's supposed to do to get better, and then she relapses again. And the relapse happens subconsciously because it's easier to grab that bottle of pills, that boot the booze, the whatever in your life instead of going, okay, in this moment, I feel really uncomfortable and I feel really sad, and I feel all these things. I kind of hate myself to sit and feel those emotions.

Yeah.

And so I'll tell you what I was doing when my mom passed away, right? All these realizations, they didn't happen overnight, I'm sure. I was actually blackout drunk six to seven nights a week for about three months after my mom passed away. And there was a moment where with my coach, the same one that I mentioned earlier about it's okay to be angry, she goes. She calls me up randomly out of the blue, and she goes, what are you doing tonight? And I go, I'm going out with my buddies. And she goes, no, you're not. She's like, you're going to sit and you're going to feel this shit. And that evening was the most uncomfortable evening of my life, if not the worst. It could have been worse when my mom actually died.

Because I felt all the feelings. But when I woke up the next day, there was this weight off of my shoulder, and I go, okay, this is where I'm choosing my rock bottom moment to be. And the thing I've realized is that you are going to continue to hit rock bottom moments as long as you don't define your rock bottom moments. Right? Like, people go broke and they go, I still got this. And then they go broke again. They go, I still got this. Go, this is my rock bottom moment. I am not going to be here ever again. And when you commit that to yourself, you surround yourself with the tools you need to make sure that doesn't ever happen again. That's what equips your brain to go, okay, I'm learning from this. And you go, why? Or you start to say, this is happening for me instead of to me. Right. To steal that from Ed Mylett, you Know, this moment is happening for me, not to me. So what am I to learn and put into place and move forward? And so, you know, it was really those subconscious patterns of this feels good versus, hey, I have to get a little bit uncomfortable in order to move forward. And the uncomfortable is sometimes can be really, really tough. And like I said, it was a really bad evening, but if I didn't have that evening, that really, really hard evening, I wouldn't be where I am now. And so we have to also look at it like that. Where can I be if I get a little uncomfortable or a little sad or a little angry at myself right now? Where can I be in the future?

Yeah, no, it's so good. You know, I was thinking too, I'd never heard somebody actually say defining your rock bottom can actually be a key point in trans, you know, kind of setting from self sabotage back to self indulgence, not self indulge, self empowerment. Yeah, that's actually pretty profound because I, you know, I was thinking about it. The lot of times that I've seen people work, going through self sabotage and I say people like, I've been there myself like several times, obviously trying to get to, from where I was to here I'm at today.

It seems to be a fear of.

Somehow tied to abandonment or somehow you're going to, you're going to lose something important to you. So therefore, rather than sitting and feeling that moment or sitting in that feeling of that moment, what you do instead is, well, fine, I'll just hurt them first, or I'll just prevent it first. I'll just, I'll, I'll save myself a big pain by doing something that I know I got control over and I'll just make it a little pain, right? Yeah, I just, I love it. See, you and I could talk for days. Like, this is, this is our vibe, right?

No, it's so true, man. And, and, and to riff off that really quick, if you don't mind. Yeah, totally. You know, you use the term abandonment, right? And my big aha moment in therapy with, with a therapist that I had years ago, this is probably seven years ago. I always thought I had trust issues. I thought people, you know, were, were ill, intent. That's what I thought. But he goes, you don't have trust issues. You have abandonment issues. And I was like, I was never abandoned. My parents loved me unconditionally. He goes, I'm not saying they didn't love you. He's like, but I'm saying that they chose their demons over you many times over.

Ooh.

And I was like, whoa, that you're. You're probably right. And it was the abandonment issues that allowed me to self sabotage and hurt relationships and, and do all that stuff. Because if I can make sure I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me. Right. There's this great analogy when it comes to relationships that I was told years ago that didn't hit me. I was told when I was 19, by the way. And it didn't hit me till many, many years later. Because what hits at 19?

Not much. I got a testimony on that of my own.

Yeah, we talked about it on my show. So people have listen to that. That's right.

That's right.

And so it was a mentor of mine at the time. It was my first mentor I ever had in my life. And. And he goes, you know, relationship. He goes, have you ever held beach sand in your hand? I was like, yeah, of course. I grew up on the beach. Like, where are you going with this? And he goes, a loving relationship is like holding beach sand when you hold it in your hand like this. And for people listening to this instead of watching, it's like cupping your hand, right? So you hold beach stand in your hand like this. What happens? He goes, it stays in your hand, but when you clench your fist, what happens? That beat sand. He goes, it literally leaks out through your, your fingers and the cracks of your fingers. And when we feel like we're about to be abandoned by somebody specifically, we clench and we go, I'm going to be in your face. I'm going to not trust, I'm going to ask a million questions and I'm.

Going to.

Accusatory and all kinds of stuff.

All of it all.

It's like, it's just like, here's a grenade.

That's it, man. That's it. And you clench your fist and all the sand is going to disappear. And that person that you thought you loved and you thought loved you, they're now gone. And so to heal that abandonment issue is huge. By the way, I'm happy to say. I feel like I'm telling all my demons on your show. Which, by the way, so far, this has been one of my favorite conversations I've ever had.

That's because we're brothers from another mother.

That's it, man. That's it. I'm happy to say that I'm healed of this. And I've said to my girlfriend before, by the way, I'm in a loving relationship now, ladies, so don't call Me, but. But I said to my girlfriend the other day, I was like, look, if you, if you want to leave me, I'd be sad, but I'd be perfectly fine. Meaning. Meaning I'm going to be okay. Like, I don't. There's no reliability on anybody else anymore.

Yeah, your identity is not tied to the relationship.

That's it. And there's no worry of that person leaving me. But that's everything. If my podcast implodes tomorrow, I'm going to be perfectly fine. It doesn't define me. If my business implodes and I got to go get a job, I'll be miserable. But I'm going to be perfectly fine. It doesn't define me. And so when we look at these things that we hold on to so tightly because we're afraid of losing them, if we just let go, abundance begins to flow. More love, more wealth, more friends, more whatever. Just let it go. Let life happen for you instead of to you. And magic can truly happen.

I love it, dude. I love it. Well, continuing on this trend. Cause I feel like we've done some pretty cool things already. I'm going to enjoy going back and listening to the show myself a few more times. I want to talk about, on the same kind of pivot from the same subject, the difference between acting out versus developing within. Like, what do you think the trigger is for us to act out? And maybe we kind of covered some of it already, but to act out and then how do we. Let's do it this way. If someone is currently, like, they just heard the self sabotage conversation. They just heard, oh crap, I throw grenades and I always regret it later. I should know better, but I do it anyway. Let's try to work on a solution for them or a potential pattern interruption for them. Okay. How can someone go from acting out to developing from within?

Yeah, I mean, I think it goes back to that same, that limiting beliefs process.

Right?

Like getting uncomfortable is, is number one. I realize people who act out and self sabotage and do all these things, you know, so many people say, oh, they're, they're afraid of failure, they're afraid of this. Or I've heard people say they're afraid of success. They're, you know, what if I lose my friends, if I reach a new level, whatever. But I think the real, the real fear comes from the fear of the unknown. Right. They know what's going to, how their life is going to be if they continue to act out. Right. They know what it's going to be like, feel like what their day to day is going to look like, but they don't know what it's going to look like if they decide to go within and do the inner work and do those things. How am I going to feel emotionally, how am I going to feel tomorrow when all of a sudden my eyes are open to the fact that my life is miserable and I have to take action, right? Like I've, I've talked with people and there have been people like at our retreats and stuff who, you know, they talk, you talked about going and doing the inner work. They finally begin to do it and they go, oh wait, now I have to end my marriage or now I have to quit my job or now I have to. That's scary. And people realize that if they remain in the same patterns, then they act out and they self sabotage. They already know that's more comfortable for them, that's more comfortable for them. And so being afraid of the unknown. But I think the main thing is, number one.

Getting uncomfortable, but also making sure you have the right people to support you. Doing anything alone is nearly impossible. I don't think there's anything such as a self made man or woman. I think all the success, quote unquote successful people that you have in the world or you've met in the world, they have somebody there to support them, right? They're surrounded by the right people, the right team, the right spouse, the right friends, the right business partners, whatever. And so I think that anybody right now who's going, oh, you know what, I am this person, I self sabotage, I am repetitively hurting and you know, doing all these things.

Realize that be on the other side of that discomfort is the most glorious thing you could possibly find in your life. That's exactly what you were born to be and meant to be. And that's the purpose and that's the passion. But to get there, there's always, it's, it's always going to be uncomfortable and we have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And once we own that, everything will begin to change. And at first it might be tough, right? And it might be rocky and you might question whether you made the right decision. But continuously pushing through those moments, that's where you end up on the bright side, right? Like this entrepreneurship journey, first couple years, even beyond that. I tried to be an entrepreneur when I was 23 years old. So more than a couple of years have been rocky and rough, but I got through the discomfort. And once you get to that level, it gets a little bit easier at every Single step, every single level, every single thing that you're doing gets a little bit easier. And a lot of that is, you know, knowing that it's okay to be uncomfortable, number one. And number two, I have the right people around me. And so those people are going to make sure, like, if I begin to stumble, you know, they're there to help me out, they're there to pick me up, and they're there to brush me off and move forward.

Yeah. So basically they're covering the blind side more than anything else. They see the stuff that you can't see. You know, it's interesting when you think about relationships. You know, we're not the first two people to talk about the importance of having the correct network, being surrounded by the right people. You know, having people that are heading where you're going, that can empower you, encourage you, hold you accountable and all that kind of stuff. But yet it seems to me that it's that movement from the relationships you have to the relationships that will ultimately build you over time that either that awareness or that choice seems to be very, very difficult for people. Like, at least in my life, and, you know, some of it sounds like some of yours, you know, I had family members at least early on that technically for me were unsafe, not that they were going to beat me or hurt me. And I know that goes on in some families, and my prayers go out to people like that that are going through that.

But.

But more importantly, when I was around those people, I would find that my energy was kind of like drained and I had more doubt and all this kind of stuff. How were like, in a practical way, how have you been able to trade relationships, so to speak? And, you know, because I think if we can give people the insight somehow to see, is this person for me or is this person technically against me, even though it may not be outright, like, what kind of tactical thing have you done?

Yeah. So I'll say two things. So first, when you talk about family, that's a tough conversation to have with a lot of people. I told you before I hit record or before you hit record, I didn't talk to my dad for seven and a half years, for seven and a half years of my life. And that was a conscious decision because I realized that we weren't good for each other in that moment. There's a massive self awareness game there. I learned self awareness at a young age because of how I was raised. But with that being said, it wasn't an easy decision, but it was a necessary one sometimes it's not always that drastic, right? Sometimes it can be, hey, I know my family drains me, but I love the shit out of them. And so I just need to make sure I protect my space. Meaning I allocate X amount of time, or I don't see them all the time, or I don't include them in my hopes and my dreams and my aspirations because I know they're going to poo poo all over them. Just be conscious of that kind of thing when. When. When it comes to family. But. Yeah, but with an asterisk to my dad really quick. We're great. Now as the best man at his wedding, we have a very close relationship now and grateful for it. But as far as, like, how do I allocate who's surrounding me and all these things? So I'm glad you brought this up. I'm going to share this on your podcast. It's going to be in my book. Whenever that comes out. Let's get it done, man.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm working on it.

So at some point in 2022, it'll be out. But I talk about relationships. So what I talk about is really four pillars of life, which is business, wellness, spirituality, and relationships. And so when I. When I began to think about relationships, obviously you think about the loved ones or your friends, but who are the people you're choosing to surround yourself with? And I came up with your five core people, right? The five people you surround yourself with. And I really put names to them. And the first one is the cheerleader. Who in your life is your cheerleader? This is the person who's going to.

Lift you up. That person who makes you feel like you can run through walls. The person that you know will literally go, hey, you've got an amazing idea. I see it being a million or even a billion dollar idea, right? That person in your life and that person to me. And I'll give shout outs to everybody who's on my list right now. That person to me is a guy named Chuck Balsamo, who is a master cheerleader. I'm fortunate enough to meet him. And I go, this guy I need in my corner. And so I slot him in there. By the way, as you're listening to this, I've never done this on a podcast either, but write these down. Write down cheerleader. And next to it, if you know, write down who you think your cheerleader is. And if you don't have one, you got to find one, right? We have to be very, very aware of that. The second person is the bruiser. This is the person who challenges you, who says, hey, I don't think you're thinking big enough. Hey, I don't know if that's a good idea. Have you looked at this? Like, that person who questions you at every turn? Now, I will say this. It's a bruiser, not an abuser. Big difference. You have to be very, very aware. This isn't a person beating you down. This is a person challenging you to be better. That person to me is a guy named Coach Justin Cavanaugh, who's like a top five sports performance coach. Amazing human being, happy to have him in my life. The third person is the softy. This is the person that when things are tough, they'll listen to you cry, they'll hug you, they'll nurture those wounds that you may be getting through life. This is my girlfriend, Lauren. And by the way, this is not an enabler. This is somebody who's just listening. So a softie, not an enabler, not the person who's going to allow you to go down bad paths because things are tough. The fourth person is your mentor. A mentor to me is somebody who you can be friends with, but they're at a different level with something that you want in life. Somebody who you can go side by side with and have a beer with and have a good time with, but also like, hey, I strive to. To be what you are, have what you have. And so this person meets a guy named Fabio Viviani from America's Top Chef. I don't want to be a chef. He owns restaurants that are worth, like, $300 million a year. I don't want to own restaurants. I don't want to do any of that stuff. But he's a mentor to me because he gives so much. He gives unconditionally. And so when I look at that, I go, I'm already that person. But I want to be at the level that he is, the abundance level that he is. So he's my mentor. And the fifth person is a coach. This is the person you pay. You have to have skin in the game, and this is the one for me, at least, that probably changes the most often. About every year, I get a different coach because I level up, and I need that next person to push me. But I think that to have a coach who you're paying to have that person is going to have more skin in the game and helping you succeed in whatever it is you're trying to build. And by the way, I've had business Coaches, relationship coaches. I've had spirituality coaches. I've had all these types of coaches. And so I think you always need somebody in the can. This guy right now for me is Roberto Candelaria, who he builds communities. And so he's very much a business coach. So.

He'S been great for me this year, and I'm grateful for him. But, you know, as I look at these five people and anybody listening who potentially wrote down that list, you're probably going to have some empty slots, because you didn't think about it this way, right? It kind of opened your eyes to go, oh, wow. I have to be intentional. Not only, hey, these are cool five cool people to hang out with, but where are they filling for me? Like, where can they. Where are they helping me? Or where do they slot in? And if you don't have people filling those slots, you have to get really, really intentional with trying to do that, right? And you might have dreams and aspirations for these people to be some of the biggest names in the world for you, which is great. Here's what I recommend. Number one, find a way to get in their space. Find a way to get them to know you, right? Even if it's a big name or somebody in your town or somebody in your company or whatever, how do you get known? How do you have them visually see you? That's number one. Number two, give unconditionally. Find out how you can support them, how can you serve, how can you make them feel good? How can you do all these things and just keep doing that and do that from your heart? I promise you, if you do those two simple things, all of a sudden, that person's going to fill one of those roles for you. And really, you pick these roles out of personality more than anything else. Like, when you think about those, like, they're. They're going to define what slot they fit in. But be very aware of these individuals and do the things that you need to to get them in your life. And by the way, most of these people who are these five, they don't know they're. That for me, I don't consciously say to them, hey, you're my cheerleader now. I will say this. I spoke.

Lauren knows now.

Well, Lauren does know, because she's hurt. She's heard the talk. But my cheerleader also knows. Chuck knows. Cause he was at. He was also speaking at the event that I was speaking at this last weekend. And I broke down these relationships. And so, of course. So I say, like, do you guys know who my cheerleader is. And everybody in the audience was like, no. And I was like, it's Chuck. And Chuck goes, yes, Justin, you're a legend. And so that's what I mean by.

Like, he legitimately was a cheerleader in the event.

Yes. And it worked out perfectly. But. But I think the main thing is, like, if you're super aware of the relationships that you're. You're purposely curating.

Mm.

You're not gonna make the mistake, because you've put them there for a reason. You sought them out, you've paid attention. You've seen who these people are, and then you've placed them in those roles, at least in your own head. Please don't do it, like, in a weird, like, schematics way and make the people feel awkward. But, like, in your own head, you buy them.

Buy them T shirts that say, code Cheerleader.

Yeah, Justin's cheerleader. But. But, you know, when you look at that, you, like, just be very, very aware. And I think you won't have to worry about, hey, these individuals are hurting me or not hurting me. And to answer that part of the question, then I'll shut up. You already know, like, if you're listening to this and you're like, are these people filling my cup or they detracting away from it and taking my energy and zapping my energy, you already know. It's just about making sure that you do what you need to do to make sure that person's no longer doing that to you.

Yeah, man. Dude, so good. Can you believe we blew through? We've already blown through 45 minutes. Yeah.

Yo, it's. I was like, I can't believe what time it is. The. Honestly, man, if you. If you talked to me two weeks ago, we had this conversation, it wouldn't have been like this. It's just because you know. You know. You know what? Like, when you speak at an event, you feel like you could just go forever.

Right?

Like, all the contents in my head right there, you're in.

You're what they call in flow. We're in flow.

Yes. Yes. Well, hopefully what I was. I've been saying is helpful.

Well, of course it is. No, I mean, I think you've had a way of articulating and breaking things down in such a way that the. I guarantee the audience doesn't do on a regular basis. And the one thing I've been trying to get the audience to understand is when you take. When I have a great thought leader like yourself on the show, and they break down a principle, they Break down a strategy or technique or whatever, and the audience jots it down and all that good stuff.

They'Re going to try it, but they also need to stick with it. Because a lot of the things that you've been talking about is stuff that you've learned along the way by doing the work, right? So consistency, doing the work consistently ends up being the transformative part, right? So I like the fact that you're constantly sharing your story. I like the fact that you're constantly putting yourself out there saying, look, the stuff works if you work it right. And today I'm hoping that the audience not only got tactics and principles and strategies and bare bones frameworks and stuff, but more importantly, I hope they have the courage to see it through. Because if they have the courage to see it through, then, you know, for lack of a better word, they're unstoppable. Right? So anyway, dude, I've had a blast, man. Like straight up, where can everybody find out more about you?

Yeah, man. So wherever they're listening to this show, if they want to find mine, it's called the Growth Now Movement, they can go ahead and check it out and see the incredible guests like you that I've had on the show. And if they like it, click, subscribe and come along this journey with me. And I'm so glad, really. If you don't mind me sharing something really quick, I know we're.

But you had mentioned, like, you know, go work the system and stick with it. I'm going to say something that most people in our space don't say. As a matter of fact, a lot of people hate that I say it, but the reality is your goals don't matter. They're great for a direction and I think you need to have goals, but they don't matter. People are attached to the idea that once I hit that goal, I'll get the thing that I want, which is.

Yeah, there's no golden carrot.

Right? And so here's what I say. Have a great vision for your life. What's that huge vision that you really want? And truly define it and feel it and own it. Have miniature goals along the way to get there, but don't set a timetable. And so this is the thing that is a little bit different. And here is why you don't set a timetable. Because we look at our goals as a cure for the issues that we have in our life instead of just simply a roadmap to where we are supposed to be in the future. So don't put a timetable to your goals, but have them because they're very important, and then slowly tick away at what those goals are. I have a huge vision to fill out an arena for my event. Right? 6,000 people. I can't do that in one year. And I'm okay with that. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a timeline of five, six, ten years. But I do know that if I focus on my goals and I improve 1% every single day, I'm going to get there. And really, you know, you have to be fulfilled with who you are right now. So there's a lot of work you got to do to get to where you need to be. But. But don't define yourself by your goals. I think that's the most important. And. And like I said, if this resonates with you, come along for the ride, listen to the podcast, and. Dude, Steven, honestly, man, you do such a great job, dude. So thank you so much for having me.

Oh, dude, my pleasure, man. No, I mean, guests like yourself make it super easy, right? All I got to do is, like, scratch the surface and let you go, so. And that's. It's been great, man. I loved it. I can't wait to do it again. I have a. I have a feeling we're going to be reoccurring themes on each other's shows and all kinds of stuff. Having a good old time. Dude, Justin, man, thank you so much for coming on, man.

Dude, thank you.

All right, peace. See you. If you love that interview, go ahead and check out this next one right here.

I mean, curiosity to me, unlocks choices.

I mean, curiosity creates choices. And sometimes what that means is when.

We lean into curiosity, it means we maybe lean into change.