The #1 REASON You Can't GET AHEAD In Life... | Steve Carter

Whenever I feel those moments of shame, and I feel them multiple times a day, there are times I just got to step back and I gotta go, who said that?

What do you think the number one thing that holds most people back right now is coming from?

I think it's a lack of awareness. So for many, many people, they are wrestling with an ancient question, and the question is, why do I do what I do?

Yeah.

So they find themselves, whether it's the morning after, going, what did I do? Why did I say that? Why did I. I know better.

I know I know better.

Right, right. And it's just that almost replay of the.

The.

The past day or the past, like, conversation, the past decision, and they are unaware that that one decision is connected to a pain point that happened many, many seasons, years ago. And when you can become aware of that and get to the bottom, or what I call the thing beneath the thing, all of a sudden, breakthrough can happen.

Yeah, no, I totally agree with that. I'm a living example of that. Right. You know, I've said on my show several times, you know, the audience knows my story, which we're gonna spend more time talking about yours, thank God. You know, but coming from a broken home environment, I never understood why my limiting beliefs captured me the way they did and why they were so hard to uproot. And then one of the things that you write in your. In your book about is this. This element of potholes and triggers. Right. I never understood that I kept falling into the same trap over and over and over again. Nor did I recognize that I would fall in that same trap over and over and over again because of a reaction rather than a choice.

Yeah.

So if you don't mind, spend some time breaking down potholes and triggers and how that plays into the environment.

Yeah. So, you know, for many, many years, I lived in Chicago. Go Cubs. Go Bears. But if you know anything about the city of Chicago, you know that it has a pothole problem. And I'm driving my car a few years back, and I think I was playing with sports radio, and all of a sudden I hit a pothole. And I knew right away that was a crater of all craters.

So the wheel fell off and rolled down the hill.

So I pulled the car over, and I'm like, ah. But I learned that the city of Chicago has this number. If you dial that number and report a pothole, and if it's already been reported, then the city of Chicago will pay for your damages if they did not fix that pothole in due time, which is why the city of Chicago is going bankrupt. But that's another podcast.

I bet there's more reasons than just that one.

That's right, that's right. So I call this number, like I'm hoping that, you know, someone's already reported this. There was some clerical error. The lady says, no, that you're the first person to report it. I'm like, okay, you got your own number, though. How many potholes are there for you to actually have your own number? She says, you know that we filled in 108,000 in the last 100 days.

Holy smokes.

If you go to the city of Chicago's website, they have a pothole tracker.

Show their work, which is amazing. Oh, my gosh.

But it's crazy because they come up to these like craters and most potholes are created by water that freezes the asphalt, can't deal with the expansion. And so all of a sudden it creates this crater. So they come up to it, throw some asphalt, check the pothole tracker. You know, 107, 900,000 more to go. They go to the next one. But sometimes they come up to these potholes and they recognize that it wasn't because of inclement weather that there's some kind of erosion happening underneath the surface. In 2016, 2017, like there was a 72 year old man who was driving and had the ride of his life because a pothole became a sinkhole and literally wiped out an entire street.

Yeah.

So massive amounts of damage, millions of dollars. And here's the thing. Every day, every one of us, from our past, from the trauma, from the wounds, from just the, the expectations that got unmet, the struggles, our choices, we all have potholes. And if we don't learn how to actually deal with those, well, they can, they can become sinkholes that don't just affect you.

Yeah.

They affect all those around you. Your ability in the marketplace, your integrity, family, your friendships. And I've never met anybody who said, today's the day. Today's the day I'm going to sabotage all the good in my life. Today's the day I'm going to train wreck all my friendships and family. Today's the day I'm going to decimate my character. But somehow what ends up happening is people get close to our potholes and it triggers us.

Yeah.

And Singh is an acronym. And what I've come to realize is that when we get triggered, we're going to go somewhere. All of this part of our past, it's going to go somewhere. And until we can Actually understand what triggers us and why it triggers us. We will be held in check just going to what we've normally gone to. And over time, it's not just going to hurt us, it's going to hurt those around us.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's funny. Well, it's not funny. It's just part of my truth. You know, I think I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. I didn't know this until, like, literally maybe six months ago. But for 500 years, 500 years, I'm the only Scoggins to actually have to create businesses and generate any level of quote, unquote Wealth.

Wow.

500 years. 500 years of a poverty mindset. 500 years of a limiting belief. 500 years of thinking that Skoggins were the ones that were supposed to fall behind. In fact, my dad actually said this after his first business failed. He said, skagens don't get ahead, they get by. Remember that? Like, he told me that. Right. Wow. You know, and if you think about those types of lies, the reason that's important is because at the age of 13, I knew that. I knew that. I knew. I wasn't sure how, I wasn't sure why, I wasn't sure what. I knew that. I knew that. I knew that something was wrong with that. And it wasn't a truth that I needed to get. And this is before I actually officially received Jesus to be my savior. I. I knelt down in the. In the trailer park, like, park in front of the swing set. And I actually asked God, said, God, let me be the one to break the bondage. Let me be the one to break the curse.

Come on, now.

I did not realize that in order to break that bondage, to break that curse, I did not realize what I was going to have to face and go through to now get to where I'm at today. I was going to have to face a suicide attempt. I was going to have to face homelessness. I was going to have to face getting rid of toxic relationships and stand up for myself and knowing my value. Like, I didn't realize that, you know, and there were lots of times we want to give up on that when we're trying to uncover these potholes, get around these roadblocks, you know, as we position this and we talk about the book. Right. The thing beneath the thing. How does one understand and uncover the thing beneath the thing so you can deal with the thing? Yeah.

I mean, it's brilliant. And even with your story, I mean, 500 years that you are going up against Right. And so you. You have this mindset that has been ingrained in you, indoctrinated within you. And again, just the. The idea of the whole podcast from stuck to unstoppable. But you got to understand what's keeping you stuck. And so much of it is mindset. So much of it's been what we've taught by people we love or what's been done unto us. So the ways that I find myself is whenever I get triggered, I choose courageous curiosity. I want to know, like, what's underneath that?

Yeah.

Like, I didn't. For most of these potholes I didn't create, they were handed to me.

Yeah.

Generationally, they were handed to me.

Almost like. Almost like the city of Chicago.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Right. And so. So the work is, how do I become curious? Not. And for so many people, when they get triggered and they make a bad decision, the first thing that they have is, like, self condemnation or shame.

Yeah.

Forget that. There's no time for that. What I want to start is going, okay, you do what you want to do. But the big question is, why did I want that?

Yeah.

Right.

What.

What was underneath that? What was underneath that feeling? What was really going on? So I have a practice. I do typically Sunday nights, Monday mornings, where, you know, what. What makes us human is, you know, we all have the same fact that we cry, we laugh, and that we have 168 hours in a given week.

Yeah.

What makes us different is how we choose to use that. 168 hours. And when I think back, I spend on a Sunday night or a Monday morning playing it back. Was there a moment where I got triggered and I don't think so much about what I did. I think about what caused me to get there. Was I tired? Was I stressed? And I get underneath that, what was happening under there. Then I play it out. I look ahead, because I guarantee you, the way that I'm running, the way that I'm going, the way that I'm chasing, that I'm going to find myself in another situation where I might feel stressed, someone might cut me off, I might have a missed flight here or there. I play it out. I imagine Jesus, like, beside me, almost like a Coach Popovich or Coach K saying, hey, how could you handle this different? Because if we don't do the hard work to understand the thing beneath the thing, whenever we react, we're just reenacting the past. And I don't want to be that.

Guy, which is a repetitive bondage. I mean, that's exactly what Keeps it existing. Yeah, I'm glue. Yeah. I'm so glad you mentioned that. You know, when I look at one of the major differences I made in my life, specifically to kind of begin my internal, my internal transformation, which later became the external manifestation, right?

Yes.

Was this scenario of.

Exploring it without judgment, looking for things that I could discover, almost like going on an archeological dig, like, like literally going like, okay.

If I'm not going to beat myself. And I'll use this perfect example. I got involved in a very toxic relationship number of years ago that set me on a course to ultimately become homeless. Okay.

When I got through the process and I finally stopped beating myself up for the things I quote, unquote, should have known better, the signs I should have seen and the denial that I was actually operating in. And I just said, what made me yearn for that level of connection? What made me want that level of connection, like. And I, and I discovered it was because, you know, for the early part of my life, my parents weren't really around. My mom was, was, was, you know, you know, chasing her own identity and her own significance, you know, through a lot of traumatic experiences. She had a young girl. And my father, on the other hand, was chasing alcohol. Right. Neither one of them were really looking for the thing under the thing or beneath the thing. Right. They weren't really doing that. And I had a good friend of mine, Chris Licardo, he's been on the show before.

He said, stephen, the next time you think about your mother and you think about that stuff, I want you to try something different. What's that? I said, okay, what's that? He said, I want you to close your eyes and I want you to Envision your mother, 8, 9 years old, with skin up knees. Do you now when you see her in your mind, he said, you know, picture, can you see her? And you know, it was very descriptive. Yeah, I can see her. He said, let me ask you a question. How angry are you with her? I was like, nothing, man. She needs help. He goes, exactly. And that's, that was my way of going through the non judging of my mother, non judging of myself, and just saying what is, what was the cause. Now when I read your work, that's essentially what I, what I feel that your, your heart is trying to teach people is that process of discovery. Now you brought up a second ago about the acronym thing, let's go ahead and break down thing as the acronym. Yeah.

So triggers, you know, it's the setup that sets you off. Right. And it's Connected to those potholes, we don't deal with them. They'll become sinkholes, the H is hideouts. And when we get triggered, all of a sudden, for many of us, we want to go to a metaphorical place to escape the pain or the sadness or the discomfort. And we do this in socially acceptable ways.

No self medication as well.

Yeah, definitely. Yep. And socially unacceptable ways. You know, we can binge watch a Netflix, we can, you know, Amazon has basically created the one click purchase, you know, because they know you're going to want to buy something when you're triggered. But we all have these. This the second place that many of us go and you alluded to in your story, it's insecurities. And these are the false stories we create about ourselves. And so for many of us, when we get triggered, we're like man Skagens only get by like. And all of a sudden that the tape starts. Exactly right. And so, so what do we do? We often power down. But some, some of us, we grew up in an environment when insecurity was at play and you were losing control. What did someone do? They didn't power down. They powered up and they tried to like, just put people on their heels. They try to regain control in an unhealthy way. And you saw judgment or hatred or pride come out and you see it now and you're like, that's just insecurity. You're not living from your true authentic self. And then the third place, and when people get triggered, we see this on Twitter, we see this in the news, is that narratives, we get triggered and we create false stories about other people. It's all those people, it's all them. They're all like that. They're all. And we, and we, exactly, we look for division. Instead of actually seeing like you so beautifully articulated the skinned up knees of the eight, nine year old mom, you get to see the humanity, right? And what's, what's beautiful is in our understanding. And we both have a shared faith in Christ. And what's beautiful is the G is the word grace. Now sometimes we've minimized grace just to be kind of this free ticket that gets us from here to heaven. But grace is so much more. And the way that they talk about it for hundreds and hundreds of years was there was stages of grace. The third stage of grace that John Wesley would teach was sanctifying grace. And this was that process, that ongoing process that makes us whole, holy and spiritually healthy. Because we have done our work, we allowed grace to get into Every molecule and atom, every pothole, every past experience. Because we actually trust that God wants the best for us. And so that has been. The learning is realizing I have unhealthy escapes when I get triggered. Or I can welcome in grace and watch what God wants to do in and through and for and with me.

No, I love that. And in fact, I was, you know, I was reading the book and one of the things that you've got mentioned in here is events, response and outcomes. Let's talk a little bit about how, you know, because I'm a big. I'm a big guy in practical nature. Like, I like to make things tactical and practical. Now everybody should go grab the book. No, hands down, it's fantastic read, for sure. In fact, it's quickly becoming a highlighter book for me. So that being said.

Let'S talk about. Let's take maybe one of your. One of your ideal stories about an event, how that leads to the response and how that leads to a positive or negative outcome and maybe how we can tactically or practically give someone some hope today.

Yeah, for sure. You Talk about E + R equals O. It's a mathematical formula. Jack Canfield, leadership guru, talked about it. Urban Meyer adopted it, and he brought it to Ohio State University, which is hard for me to admit as the biggest Michigan fan on the planet.

Hey, my wife's from right here.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

So. So, like I think about this is that we can't control the events that happen to us.

Yeah. But yet we try.

Well, we try. We definitely try. The only thing that you or I have control is how we choose to respond. And depending on how we choose to respond to the events that happen around us will determine the outcome. Will it be positive? Will it be negative? Will it continue a generational cycle of brokenness and pattern of like, stuck thinking? Or will it be a positive outcome that leads us to breakthrough to this unstoppable life that you continuously talk about and inspire others towards? And I think for many, many of us, when all of a sudden we get triggered or an event happens, we have the power to choose how will we respond. And for many of us, we were like. And Paul writes about this in Romans 7. He says, I do not understand what I do. It's one of the verses I don't like in the scriptures. Because. Because I. I think that's a little bit of a cop out. I think it's our job to understand why I do what I do.

Because if I don't.

Yeah, exactly right. And. And I Think. I think when, you know, whenever we're having a. For me and my wife having an argument, I can't just say, like, I don't understand why I did that. She's like, that's gonna pass. You can.

It's not gonna get very. Get you very far.

Yeah, it's gonna. It's gonna lead to the couch, bro. You know what I mean? And so, like, so I think for us to recognize, man, the good I want to do. Paul will say, I do not do, but the thing I hate, I do. And I just found myself just wrestling with. I can't control these events that have taken place. Other people make decisions. Other people try to trigger me. Other people just, like, do what they want to do, and it has consequences. My dad, when I played college basketball, he used to come up and whisper in my ear and just would always say, change adversity into opportunity. And whenever there's adverse situation, it's my choice, my willpower to say, there's an opportunity here. And it can be an opportunity for negative outcomes, or it can be an opportunity for greatness, for something beautiful to be birthed into this world. You're in an argument with your wife, you're in a conversation with your kids, you see a problem in the marketplace. Well, there's an opportunity there. You have the eyes, the mind, the heart, the perspective to see it. And if you can lean into that and respond, well, you give yourself the best chance to live that unstoppable life that you constantly talk about. So that's the pieces that I want people to understand. You have agency. Life doesn't just happen to you. You have agency, but if you just turn it off, you'll continue the patterns. And you had a breakthrough, bro. Like, you broke through the cycles of 500 years to say, no, no. Skagens don't just get by. Skagens don't just survive.

Scott. Rise up now. Skoggins. Transform lives. And that's. And that's. That's our motto. I mean, my entire life, events called transform your life for that reason. Right? It's because I believe hardcore that the greatest purpose in life you ever have is serving the person you used to be. I believe that. I believe that with all my heart. I believe that's. That's where the empathy and the compassion and grace is developed. And. And one of the things that I love so much about what you just brought to the table was what you actually just described is emotional and mental maturity.

Yes.

It's mature to understand and seek. Right. The underlying message you Know, one of the things that I know we share in common is the approach of if, you know, take an outcome that you have, positive or negative, Right. So if it's a negative outcome, for example. Right. Okay, why, what, how, who? Trauma trigger what? Right. If it's a pot, you know, and then you're like, okay, now I have a starting point to correct that moving forward. The same thing's true for if it's good, right. The outcome is like, okay, why, what, when, how, who? Right? And you're like, okay, now I know how to amplify that joker. Right? That's. I think it's one of the things that I love so much. You know, there's this also, this concept in the book.

About identity, about having that, that healthy identity and getting to that place. And, you know, how a lot of people fall into the trap of letting their identity become kind of insecure. Break that down for us a little bit. Because I see a people, I see a lot of people struggling with identity and insecurities as a whole.

Yeah. Well, if you think about it this way, you will live with integrity to where you find your identity.

Say that again. Say that again. That's too good. Say it again.

You will live with integrity to where you find your identity. If your identity is grounded in shame, you live with integrity. If you're, if your identity is found in what you do well, you'll live with integrity to achieve and perform. If your identity is grounded in, you were made by a beautiful, powerful God who loves you, you will live from that place and a healthy place. When you deal with insecurity, what you're wrestling with is people who have a, almost like a shaky identity. They know that the shame isn't fully true and there's almost this cognitive dissonance within them. Or they know that the self hatred isn't true. They have this cognitive dissonance. They just haven't fully committed to the belief that they were made for more. They were made for a purpose. They were made to be loved and to be known. So for me, always trying to help people discover not just the past and the trauma and what triggers them, but also. And you keep pulling that, that thread, that string deeper and deeper, you're going to go, who are you?

Yeah.

What's at the core of the core? Like what drives you? Do you know, you know, in, in Simon Sinek language, do you, do you know that why, why you're here, why you were made? And when we actually have that healthy identity, it gives us such great opportunity to live A life that really, really is deeply, deeply meaningful and beautiful for humanity.

Yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I've always said that there's three great questions in life, and how you answer those ultimately define you. Who am I, Why am I here, and what do I do about it?

Yes.

And as I was just kind of thinking through some of the things you were just saying, one of the things that resonates with me is that one of the most difficult. One of the most difficult things. Well, it's really two difficult things that took me from being a complete atheist and I mean, I mean, argumentative atheist, which was understanding that or thinking that God somehow hated me or God, you know, was somehow putting me. If it wasn't God, he would solve my problems or whatever, not realizing I was being refined the entire time. Right. And the other one is kind of like that, in that I found it difficult to believe a God would love me because I didn't love myself.

Right. And I find that our love for ourselves or our security within ourselves is directly correlated to how we perceive, we feel love from other people, including God, right now in the Christian church, the Christian body. Okay. And these are people who profess to be Christians, right. So there's a wide gambit, right? Huge wide gambit like, I just got saved yesterday. I'm still struggling with whatever God's trying to bring me out of. And there's, you know, I'm holier than thou and self righteous and the whole deal. There's everything in between. Right. But one commonality I've seen with all the various levels of Christianity, meaning believers, meaning believers walking through life, is this mentality that somehow mental health should not be kind of equated or looked at or like, you know, there's like a stigma around it. Right. What would you say to both a believer and a non believer about the importance of proper mental health?

It's everything. It's everything because the way that you see yourself, the way that you see the world.

Is so crucial. And for many of us, we have.

This, this level of thinking based on stigma, that we have not actually just been able to step back and say, hey, anxiety is real. Yeah, depression is real. This, like the self hatred is real. And we all know what anxiety is.

It's just when you're trying to control the uncontrollable.

Exactly, exactly. And all of it is. The personal piece gets torn into pieces and we can't. I can't manage it all. And, and what I, what I, I've come to help people is like what are you letting land in your mind? So I had. I had this. This Greek professor. No, full Satan. He was amazing, but he used to be the air traffic controller.

His name was Satan Staten. Okay. I was like, you know, satan, What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he used to be the air traffic controller at o' Hare in Chicago. And he said, you want to know what real power is? Real power is like telling Delta airlines they can't take off. You know what real power is? Rerouting United back to Houston. That's real power. And then he flipped it on me. And I'll never forget this moment in class. He said, you're the air traffic controller of your mind. You let these negative thoughts land. Why don't you reroute them somewhere?

Yeah.

And I just was like, oh. And he's. You know, Max Lucado's taking this idea and take it even farther in one of his books. But he. He said, give yourself an A code, like an air airport code. I use my initials, src. And he goes, whenever there's negative thoughts, reroute them.

Yeah.

And so I sent them all to Columbus, Ohio, because that's where Ohio State is. Or Tuscaloosa, Alabama, University of Alabama. You know, I'm tired of them winning, but, like, I gotta let. I gotta let the things that are pure and true and lovely and righteous and good and wholesome. I need that to land in my. Too often, I let insecurity, negativity, bitterness, anger, all that stuff just. And it gets in my mind, and I see things, and I see stuff on Twitter and I get triggered, and I just go, no, no, no. It's my responsibility to say, you can't land here. You can't land here. I'm rerouting you. I'll let that land. And in that, it helps me see humanity the way God sees humanity.

Yeah.

See our world more like the way God sees our world. To be able to love. More like God loves our world. So that's, for me, the way that we endure mental health. But that is a. It's a fight. And for many of us, it's harder. It's really harder because of the trauma that we've experienced as kids and the stigmas that we're having to fight against. And I have a lot of grace, a lot of patience, a lot of just sitting with my friends and just saying, hey, you have permission to feel that. But I want you to know there's also stuff that we can do together to actually combat that.

Yeah. No, I love the fact that you also bring it back to community, because I feel like so many people think they're doing it alone.

Yes.

I mean, they tell themselves that all the time. And the entire reason I, you know, I built Transform you and the Journey Principles Institute and everything is so people would stop feeling alone. Yeah, it was. You know, there was a study done a number of years ago, but this is before COVID that over 67% of the population, almost 70% of the population, would argue the fact that. The fact that they feel frustrated, alone, isolated, broken, angry, frustrated, depressed. And the other part of that study also said that each one of them would say that their friends and family are living a more fruitful life than them, which means, by definition, they feel like they're isolated and alone.

Right.

So I love the fact that you brought community to that. You know, there's sometimes when I write. Okay.

The writings that I do, whether he books or blogs or content in general, sometimes I feel like those pieces of content call me to them.

Yeah, yeah.

So they're, you know, you know, as a person of faith, I'm like, I feel like they're downloading, I think. You know, I feel like it's revelation as I read the thing beneath the thing. One of the things that I take away as it seems like your work is reading you as much as you. You are writing it. Yeah. How. How is this book? And this is. This is kind of a selfish question because this is kind of my. My process as well, because each of my works kind of affect me. Right. How has this book changed your life?

Yeah, great question. You know, as someone who teaches often the scriptures all, you know, all over the country, you know, I'm studying for a message, I ask questions of the text. But when I'm actually just trying to go deeper with Christ through the scriptures, I let the text ask questions of me. And I think in the last five years, I've watched leader after leader train wreck their life.

Yes.

Pastors, marketplace leaders. And again, nobody woke up that day and said, today's the day just happens. And so I think for me, recognizing my own humanity, my own struggles, my own, you know, temptations, the possibilities of me actually stepping and doing something that I wouldn't want to do. Yeah, I realized, man, I got to get to work. And so. So I just. I don't want to be another casualty to character, to integrity. And again, do I screw up? Yeah, I do. But I think when I look at this, this story of potholes becoming sinkholes, I realized, man, for many of us, like, we weren't given A map. So we were just left having to, like, figure it out. And so whatever was going to help us escape or soothe or almost like, do whatever we had to do to not deal with these issues, but they keep coming up, and if we don't have the courage to get curious about them, they could lead us to self sabotage. And that's where it started. To read me is and Dave Chappelle, this amazing comedian, season three, he signed this $50 million deal with Comedy Central. And episode five, he's midway through it, he tells a joke, and he hears this guy laughing. And he thinks to himself, the joke wasn't that funny. So he. He's like, they only see the money. So he walks off set, calls his driver, driver picks him up in the limo. The driver goes, where you want to go? Take me to the airport. He has. He had a bag and a passport. Goes to the airport, doesn't even call his wife. Walks straight up to American Airlines, says, where's the farthest place you can take me? Like, South Africa in like, three hours. Great. Buys a first class ticket, goes to South Africa. He ends up spending six weeks in a monastery. And like every great celebrity who tries to, like, almost, you know, revive their career after some kind of, you know, tragedy or hiatus.

Yeah.

Hiatus or situation. He finds himself on the couch with Oprah. And Oprah, you know, I don't know how she does it, but she, like, looks into his eyes. He starts to tear up. She's like, why'd you do it? Why'd you do it? You know what he said? He said something so brilliant. He said, because success will take you places that character cannot sustain you. And what's happening in our world today is we have a lot of people who are very, very successful, but it's far outpacing their character.

Yes.

And I think for me, I did not want to get into a situation where my storytelling ability, my writing ability, like just my. My ability to connect with people far outpaced, actually who I am at the core. And so that's how this story, this message was like, I need this message. I need this. I wrote this for myself because if I don't get to the thing beneath the thing, I am going to create collateral damage for my kids, my family, and. And for those who trusted me.

Yeah.

And so that's at the heart of it, is how do I get back to my character leading the way. And it takes effort. It takes work.

Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm so glad you mentioned that. You know, when I look at. When I Look at life in general. So many times, what kept me from taking the time to take the thing and look beneath the thing, like, to actually go and do the deep dive, was this element of shame.

Yes.

I was so broken. I mean, even. In fact, a case perfect, perfect example is becoming homeless. I wasn't homeless because I didn't have family that didn't care. I wasn't homeless because I didn't have people that wouldn't have helped me if I would have asked. I was homeless because of two reasons. Pride and shame. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to let people know I was suffering or I was lost or somehow confused or, you know, like, I was waking up each day with a cloud over my eyes, and I couldn't. I couldn't shake it, no matter how hard I tried. And then I also didn't want people to know, including myself. I didn't want to even admit to myself in many cases that the choices that I had made had actually led me there.

Right. Let's just have an honest conversation for a few minutes about shame. Because I feel like one of the things that I. That I've worked really hard on our side to do is to awaken the shameless behavior. Like, let's get it out. Up and out, Right? In all your work, all your studying, all your writing, all your traveling, what have you learned about shame?

Yeah, it goes back to the Garden, Genesis 3, right? And you have this man, the woman. They take of the fruit. All of a sudden, they just feel. What do they feel? Anxiety. And they feel shame. The questions that God asks in. And he asks these profound questions. He says, who told you that? Did I? Did I say that? Because when you connect shame, it.

It.

It's. It's come from somewhere, and it usually has come from some authority figure. It's come from some person who's given you a look or has spoken a word into your life that was unhelpful and unhealthy and untrue. And you have to interrogate it. You have to interrogate those lies and really say, who told you that? Did God really say about who you are? So that's one. And then the other question that God asks the man and the woman in the garden, he says, where are you?

Yeah.

Where's the real you?

Yeah.

Where's the fullest expression of who I made you to be? So whenever I feel those moments of shame, and I. I mean, I feel them multiple times a day, there are times I just got to step back and I Gotta go. Wait, wait, who said that?

Yeah.

Oh, that, that. That was from Twitter. Someone that I don't even know.

Now that'll preach.

You know what I mean? And who. Why am I giving access into my heart and my mind? Reroute that message. Send that to Columbus, Ohio.

Yeah.

You know, and so, like, for me.

Is going to get on your nerves.

I know.

Like, stop sending stuff our way.

Hey, they keep, they keep beating us in football, so they, they, they can deal with this. But, like, the thought is I'm gonna. I'm gonna let the things that God says is true about me and that the people that I have given permission to not speak words of shame into my story. And so part of the work is learning to sift and sort and have that really discernment to say, nah, that's, that's not, that's not true. Yeah, that's not true. And to really protect the mind, because that's where the war is at, is in our mind and our heart.

Yeah, for sure. No, that's so good. That's so good, dude. Well, look, man, I've there. I feel like we, you and I could be fast friends and talk for hours. I, you know, I had to have you on the show. I think your work's amazing. Loving the book. Like I said, it's a highlighter read for sure. Everybody's got to grab it, you know, And I am curious, how can people get a hold of you or get ahold of the book? I mean, what's the best way for. For people to engage so they can start, you know, digging deep and getting past the thing, beneath the thing so they can finally get, you know, do like I did, break. Break some bondage that's been in your generations. Like, how do they do that?

Well, first off, just thanks, man. I mean, I think you are, you are a story that anybody can look to and say anything is possible. And, and, and it's a story that what I love and my favorite line from what is this podcast has been what you've been saved from. That go back with compassion and grace to, to serve what you've been saved from. Like, they just that. I've never heard someone say that so beautifully. So thank you for who you are and thanks for doing this and putting out such great content. But you can find the book in any, any, any place books are sold. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, all over great local bookstores, and then also, um, Steve Carter.org or if you are on social media, on Twitter, Instagram, at Stever Carter, at Steveryan Carter. So we'd love to, love to connect, give a follow, love to chop it up with you online and if there's ever any ways I can serve. Yeah, it mean the world. So thanks for. Thanks for this time, bro. I really, really appreciate it.

Dude, I've had a blast. You know, the time flew by. It's still flying by. But I don't. I don't want to let you go just yet.

Okay.

I like to. I've been asking that. I've been asking these last two questions to a lot of the folks I've been interviewing recently because I love. I love how those questions shape someone else's awakening. So the first of those two questions I'd like to ask you is, what does being unstoppable mean to you?

Freedom.

It's just absolutely free. In Hebrew, whenever the Hebrew nation would go into battle, they would have this phrase. And it came from when there was a transition in power from Moses to Joshua. And Joshua is like following Michael Jordan. So Joshua's like, ah, dude, who am I, man? I got nothing. And God says three times in four verses, be strong and courageous. And that phrase in Hebrews, the word rock Shazak and it literally became the battle cry. It's what the nation of Israel, Rock Shazak. I mean, it was the ultimate jock jams. And so when I think of that, I'm like, I'm free to be strong and courageous because I know my God goes before me and I can be true to who he made me to be, no matter what. I'm not reaching. I'm not searching. I'm not looking for anybody to validate or. Or invalidate who I am, because I know. I know who I am. So let's be free. Rak Shazak.

I love it, dude. I love it. You know, my grandfather, who called me his little soul winner from the time that I was born to the time he passed away in 2016, which includes the five years was. I wasn't. When I was being an atheist. I mean, a very angry atheist at that. You know, I would argue. I would try to argue with him over and over again about evolution and monkeys and aliens and dinosaurs and water tables and floods and. And he would always tell me something very interesting. He said, stephen, you. You one day are going to become a David. Wow. You were designed to be one part lion and one part lamb.

And I think that, that. I think that that's a truth for everybody, right? I think being strong and courageous is living out your life in such a way that you can Be proud of the life that you lived. Right. You know, I've got this image in my head of when I, when I finally get to heaven and God willing, I've been able to grab a bunch of crowns and while I'm down here, right up, you know, just like take bushels of them and just like say, all right, Jesus. Here you go, buddy. You know, you know, these are for you. And you know, something my grandfather used to tell me, but another thing that one of my mentors used to mention, I get credited for saying, creating this quote all the time. I'll now take it just for fun. But one of my mentors told me, he said, if you want to live a life well lived, then live a life where your legacy outlives you. Yes. And I've been having that as one of my battle cries, which necessitates my last question for you today, bro, which is this. What is the legacy that will outlive you? What do you want it to be? What do you want it to look like, feel like, what, what? You know, how do you want it to impact this world?

It's great. You know, every time I put my, my son to bed, ever since he was 2 years old, I would just, we'd ask each other a question and it was, did you have integrity today? And my son at 2 would say, I think I did. And, and I'm like, I bet you did. And then he'd ask me and we just did that. That was just the question. Because integrity is the only thing that takes days, weeks and months and seasons and years and decades to achieve, but that can be lost in seconds. And for me, at the end of my life, I want people to say, this was a guy who said what he meant, meant what he said, that his character and his integrity far outlasted.

And for me, I went through a really, really difficult time in 2018. My mentor, someone I love, just. Allegations of sexual abuse came out and all this stuff and there's like some cover up stuff. It was really, really hard situation. And I just didn't want to play with people's trust. And really deep down I knew if I, if I came home and I was trying to be a part of some sense of brokenness, cover up that my, my son, if he asked me, did you have integrity today? I would have had to lie or pray that he didn't ask me that question.

That's so good.

So for me, it's pretty simple. Character and integrity that will, that is worth everything to me. And I hope that far outlasts me, that when people look at me, they go, that guy was a work in process. He needed Jesus. But. But he has some integrity and some character, dude.

I love it, man. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today, man. I sincerely had a blast. I can't wait to have more and more conversations with you in the future, dude. This was super fun for me.

Thank you so much, man. It means the world to have to be here with you.

Rock on. All right, dude, take care and I'll catch you on the next one.

Awesome. Take care.

If you love that interview, go ahead and check out this next one right here. That scarcity consumed my mind and I wasn't thinking about adding value or serving others or solving problems. I think about what I could eliminate, what I could do cut, what I could reduce. And that reductionist thinking doesn't lead to production. And production is your way to wealth.