The ONE Trick You Need to Master to Live a More Peaceful and Fulfilled Life

People get stuck in thinking they shouldn't be feeling down. They shouldn't be angry, they shouldn't be sad. The truth of it is that you will be experiencing that. And the more that you can allow yourself, truly allow yourself to experience the sadness, the pain, the grief, the whatever it is, while also focusing on the good things. That's where you move through the challenges right now in society. We are in a place where nobody is slowing down. People are accelerating speed, heating up, doing more and burning out and feeling unfulfilled. And I'm here to say the answers to your problem. Not all of them.

Right.

But it is actually taking the pause. It is slowing down. It is doing less and being more. And the being more is so key because we think that we're gonna do our way into happiness, and that's not how it goes.

Guys, I'm welcome to one and only Nikki Sharp. How are you doing?

I am doing. You know, I'm actually doing really, really well today after a few days of a little bit of an emotional crash. And I know that I'm kind of launching into that, but the question of, how are you doing? I find that most people just say, like, yeah, good. Yeah, it's like. But it falls out. I'm fine. Yeah.

I'm someone that I. I live by my values. And. And two of those are authenticity and vulnerability. And so I'm. I'm always very open just to be like, yeah, like, I'm.

I'm.

Today, I'm really good. If you'd asked me yesterday, I'd been like, oh, man. Like, I'm sitting in the. It's like. It's not fun. So today I'm really good. How are you, Stephen?

You know what? I'm. I'm like you. Today has been a great day. You know, I just got back from traveling myself. I spoke at an event and once watched my oldest son graduate, which was a blessing. I unfortunately had a divorce last year myself. A f. Managed to meet someone who's amazing. Things are going well there, but I did have to bump into my ex while at the graduation, so that was interesting. So, you know, so there's. You know, life's complex at times, but it's also. It's complex at times, but it's beautiful all the time. Right? So, yeah, I actually want to talk. Let's. Let's. Let's jump into emotional stuff.

Let. Let's do it.

And. And the reason is, is because I know you obviously created resources to help heal yourself, so we'll touch on that. Obviously, if you're. As much as you're willing to talk about it, kind of the healing process and kind of restarting life and kind of what that looks like. Because I think at the end of the day, a lot of our, A lot of our listeners and viewers, you know, they're, they're early stage aspiring achievers in some way shape or form. They're business owners, se suite professionals or moms or dads or husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends. You know, our audience historically are roughly 60% women and 40% male, which is kind of interesting to me. I don't know why. Um, you know, because I'm. I come across as fairly masculine, but, you know, but, you know, content.

That's why.

Oh, thank you. Well, thank you. You know, I guess at the end of the day, you know, they all, our audience, ourselves, yourself, we all go through emotional trials and how we use those either to propel us forward or hold us back. And I'm curious to know from your, obviously from the place that you're currently at, how's things going? And then kind of like, what are you. What tools and resources use to move forward?

Yeah, absolutely. And just some touching quickly on what you were saying before of, you know, the, the experience of life. I like to say that it's duality. We, we all experience duality of. You can be both happy and sad in, in the same moment. And the thing that I've recognized with humans and working with so many people over the course of the last 11 years is that people get stuck in thinking they shouldn't be feeling down, they shouldn't be angry, they shouldn't be sad. They. And the, the, the truth of it is that.

You will be experiencing that. And the more that you can allow yourself, truly allow yourself to experience the sadness, the pain, the grief, the whatever it is, while also focusing on the good things. That's where you move through that, the challenges. You will keep yourself stuck when you sit there and say, oh, life should be good, or you do the emotional bypassing or, you know, ignoring that you're not feeling good because what ends up happening is that it starts to show up and manifest in the body. So emotional pains that we go through, if we don't deal with them and you just push them away. I like to say pushing them, you know, under the carpet. Oh, that's, that's not bothering me. It will show up in your body as pain, as sickness, as illness, as disease. And so from my point of view and everything that I've been through And I'm very vulnerable. And I. I openly share because I want people to like. People look at me and think, wow, she is this perfect life. She has it all together. Successful business, traveling, and it's like, yes, I do. And I'm also human, going through this human experience. So I just. I went through a divorce a few months ago. I was married for one year. Realized very quickly that it was not the relationship I wanted. I put all the work into it, the therapy, did all of my own work that I could to show up as my best version.

Sure.

And something that I. I really want to get across is I. I work with so many people that keep themselves stuck in unhappy places in life. And so whether it's right, a job, a relationship, whatever it is, we keep ourselves stuck because we don't want to face the uncertainty. We don't want to face what will I meet another person? And for me, it's like, I want to live the most vibrant, vital life that I possibly can. And of course, there's going to be some challenging moments in that and pain. But what I realized during the divorce, and this is one of the tools really, that helped propel me forward, was one, having courage to know what I do want, know what I don't want.

Yeah.

And more importantly, what do I deserve? And I think so many people get stuck in the. I don't know if I actually deserve something better. Is this all. You know, this might be all I can get. And I'm someone that. I'm like, I'm always striving for more and higher grounds. And so I'm like. In my marriage, I was like, no, no, no, I. I deserve so much more than this. And so I broke my marriage off, went through a divorce, went through an international move, going from Miami, coming to London, all in the span of six months. It was a. It was a lot. It was very intense. And so now we're a few months out after I've moved. And the. The truth is that the first few months were the hardest I've ever gone through. Like, I've gone through a lot, and they were the hardest I've ever gone through. And one of the greatest tools that's helped me, help get me out of it quicker and become more vital and vibrant. Like.

Yeah.

And just a little caveat there is. Tell me. You look better, you have more energy, you're shining brighter than ever. Like, how did you just.

There's no. There's no constriction on the soul.

There's no constriction Right. And the. The key piece of that is because I allowed myself to slow down. I actually paused my business, paused my podcast, said no to everything, and focused on me. I became so selfish, because we need to be selfish in order to give to others. If you're giving from an empty cup, guess what? People are getting scraps of you.

Yeah.

And so I'm very much a proponent of you have to put yourself first. So it was challenging, it was scary. I had all these fears coming up, but by doing that, I allowed myself to rest, to get out of the masculine, the go, go, go, get things done which. Which needed to happen. And in the slowing down, I found myself, and not just found myself again, but I discovered an. A new version of me. So there's some familiarity and then there's all the. Also this excitement of, wow, I get to discover this new girl and who she is. Oh, it's. And so it's been exciting and wonderful and challenging and scary and hard. It's been everything. And the slowdown was so important. And I say that and I emphasize it because right now in society, we're in a place where nobody is slowing down. People are accelerating, speeding up, doing more, and burning out and feeling unfulfilled. And I'm here to say the answers to your problem. Not all of them. Right?

Yeah.

But it is actually taking the pause. It is slowing down. It is doing less and being more. And the being more is so key because we think that we're going to do our way into happiness, and that's not how it goes.

No, it doesn't happen that way at all. In fact, I was just. There's so many things that you just said that I want to touch on. I guess the first part I would go to is being software to know that, especially at the end of a relationship. And this is the rule I've mentioned briefly before the audience before, so they know my. My perspective. So I'll share it with you and see. See what kind of resonates. I believe that you have to go through a. Intentional sabbatical after the end of a relationship. I believe in no less than six months where you're not getting involved with another person romantically and stuff like that. Because from my perspective, you have to go through a transition period where you're. You're owning yourself. So the things that you. And maybe it could have done better times, you could have communicated better or done the right thing to change your energy state or whatever. Also being aware of the things that you will allow and won't Allow. Right. So if someone's being super derogatory or trying to smother your spirit or whatever like that, then obviously you got to, you know, that's not something you want. You know, I'm a big believer that relation, healthy relationships, have a two parts individuality and one part couple. Right? It's where the. It's where the. Right. So the. The person on either side is able to run their race, run their lane with the support of the other person, but they also run the lane together. And that has been the trickiest thing for me to discover and follow and find suit in. Unfortunately, like, I get. I've now been dating someone for several months who's amazing. She actually will come into our conversation a little bit a few times a day. You guys remind me a lot of each other. And one of the things that we did that my grandfather told me to do, ironically, a long time ago, this is probably five, six years ago, he asked me. This is something I want to share because I think this is. I think this is pivotal to the conversation. I had just gone through a major breakup. He's the one that taught me the sabbatical process. And then during the sabbatical process, about halfway through, he goes, I want you to pull out a pen and a pad. I'm like, okay, so pull out a pen and a pad. And he's like, this is this. This. This grandfather's the kind of guy that you can sit at his feet and just. He just oozes wisdom. Like, it just falls off of him. If he had an. Or it's silver kind of thing. Like, he's just. He's. He's Gandalf or something, you know, and when he's so, you know, I'm sitting here with a pen and the pad, and I'm like, okay, what? He goes, all right, I want you to write every single character trait of the ideal mate, right? So. And I was like, okay, well, she's, you know, she's this, she's that. And he goes, those aren't character traits. Those are physical qualities. Character. Character traits before physical qualities, always okay. I said, okay, well, he goes, how important is honesty to you? I said, super important. I've been cheating on multiple times. I don't want to have that happen. Like, I. I give of myself, right? So he's like, okay, well, it's. Let's make loyalty part of it. Process, empathy, you know, alignment. Like, we. Then we listed all these different things.

And that became the list moving forward. And then over the last decade, I'VE refined the list and refined the list and refined the list and refined the list. Right. So I have an awareness of like, even in the dating sector, like.

And. Or ding, ding, ding, you know, kind of like thing. And it does help you not settle. And to your point, I find that we all settle, I would say, because of loneliness. We just get lonely. We want a companion. We want someone to be sitting on the couch with us, eating some popcorn, watching a movie or traveling to, you know, Santorini or Hawaii or any of these beautiful places. Right. We want somebody to be kind of roll with. Right. But most of us won't do the work to get ourselves together to make it a reality. And this is where my grandfather's next question, like, changed my life. He said, all right, we got a. Do we have a great list? I said, yes, granddad, we got a great list. You're sure? Yeah. What do you think? He's like, that's, that's a pretty solid list. Okay, great. He goes, I have a. Now your next thing is this. What kind of man do you have to become to attract that kind of person? What he was teaching me to do was work from the inside out, not the outside in. Right. How important have you, have you now seen that in this next transition journey, even in kind of preparing, because you're not done right, you know, you're. You're going to find the love of your life and it won't take much long. It won't take a long time, you know, but it's about being that right person. So tell me about kind of how your perspective is on that.

Oh, gosh, you just said so much, so many juicy things there. So I've been teaching a very similar process in my program. It's called the ultimate Transformation Program program. And it's, it's my signature signature course four months long. And in that we do a really big deep dive, very similar of list out all of the different things, the physical, the, the characteristics, the values down to the detail of how are you guys around each other's friends, how are you with each other's parents? Like, the people don't even go there normally. So yeah, I have people get. My clients get really, really clear and I do this continuously. I like you. I've been refining my list since 2015 and I do the same thing of. Okay. Of that. What are the non negotiables. So, you know, very often I'll have women come into my program and say, I want the guy, he's tall, he's this, he's that makes that much money. And then it's like, okay, of those, what is the most important? So that it, let's say he's not these other things that is the number one thing or number three things, then like you, it's who do I have to be? And so to piggyback off of what you were saying of becoming that person, I, prior to my marriage, actually, I'll tell a. A funny story, very quick funny story. So in 2013 or 2014, I met a person and I actually said to God, I was like, all right, God, I want a man that will treat me like a princess. And I remember so clearly. And it was like. And I knew the other qualities, but that was so clear. And guess what? I got it. I was treated like a princess but not bored.

Didn't you?

No, I was treated like a princess but not a queen. And yeah, interesting, right? So then through that relationship, which was an on and off six year relationship relationship, there were all of these things on my, in my mental list. I didn't have a physical one at that point. But what I recognized was that I was my non negotiables. I was actually letting those go because he checked a bunch of other boxes. And that's what we do as well is. And this is why the non negotiable list is so important.

Yeah.

So then I'm justifying bad behavior and I'm staying out of fear. And that's the big thing, is that we can do these lists all day long and we can find amazing people. But if you're not willing to walk away from a relationship, it's because of fear of, you know, I'm not going to find the real person, which is essentially devaluing yourself. So cut to then I meet my now ex husband and I got way clear on the list. So everything that I wanted, I got. It really is like on paper, the exact thing. I had a fairy tale wedding. It was written up in the, in the media. And people ask me, you know, Nikki, how can you still teach about manifestation and relationships if you got divorced? And I tell them, I got exactly what I, exactly what I wanted. But here's the big thing. God gives you what you need, not just what you want. And I needed to go through this relationship to see patterns that I didn't know.

Yep.

And you know, we can do all the healing, self work, self development work, but it's in relationship that that is where the deepest level of healing comes because it, it brings us back to childhood and all of those childhood triggers so cut to then I. Then I went through the divorce, and on my list, I refined it, refined it, refined it. Got really clear on the physical attributes are important. Yes. But it was the qualities and the characteristics that are just top of the line. So the big thing that I. I got clear on was I want a partner, and I'm ready. I'm calling in a partner that will treat me like a queen because I'm ready for a king now. I had to go through that evolution of being the princess to then being what is for me that. That female embodiment. So then to kind of end that story is I learned prior to my marriage to date myself. And this was a. A radical concept for me of being okay, going out by myself and loving myself enough to have wonderful, beautiful date nights just for me. And in the process, after my marriage, actually at Christmas, I booked myself a beautiful hotel room. And. And I was like, I'm going to make this the best Christmas I've ever had. And I bought myself a Cartier love ring. And it's actually on my. My wedding finger. Not. And so people are like, oh, that's scaring guys off. I'm like, right. But I'm not looking. I'm open, but I'm not. I'm not out there. Like, I don't need you. I'm so complete and fulfilled because I've actually married myself at this point. And I can say that it is the greatest thing to feel so content and fulfilled and full by myself because I do things for me, to me, by me. And therefore. And I did actually meet a wonderful person. And, you know, we're in the beginning stages and no expectations. And it's. It's beautiful because as you were saying in the beginning, Stephen of. He has his life, I have my life. And it's the first time that I ever have felt that we actually could join forces.

Yeah.

But I needed to go through heartbreak and trials and tribulations, and I think not. I think I know. People get so stuck in the. I need to meet my person. I'm going to meet my person, and that's it. And I'm like, I couldn't be more grateful for meeting the person at the time and the divorce because it helped get me to this next level. And, man, this girl right now, Nikki Sharp, who's right here, like, she's amazing. And I will not settle for anything less than because I already provide everything for myself. So for you to even enter into my sphere. Yeah, you better be that checklist, because I'm Already exactly what I need to be for, for that.

Yeah, no, I love that. I was just thinking that I think Tom Cruise did us a disservice with that whole you complete me thing. Yeah, you have to complete yourself. And that was I guess one of the things that I learned heading into, you know, mining relationship in the last, you know, several months. But again it's, it's been cool because we, you go into the relationship very early stage. How are you having the deep conversations? Hey, I believe individuality. I believe in running my race. I believe in you running your race. I believe in us running a race together. And as time goes on, you know that, that you have to call back to that vision and that mission statement. Almost like a, it's almost like a couples and couples vision, a mission statement if that makes any sense, which I.

Think people should do. And that it's a super important one for couples to. If you want to be a truly successful fulfilled. And I'm not saying short term, like the long term, the seven year itch when hits the fan like that. Yeah, that mission statement is super important.

Yeah. No, and again, but we've, but when you, when you have those things in place, right, Just like we were, we were just talking about, you're gonna have conversations where you, where you tend to collide, right. You, you tend to run back into every now and again a behavior pattern that was kind of old, like old programming some would say. Right. And you have to, you have to know that I would say it like this. Recently I've, I've discovered that relationships are a lot like magnets. Right. So magnets will smack together, especially early stage and then they, they kind of like will kind of hover right here and you're kind of enjoying the energy between, the energy exchange between the two. And at any point in time one of the other partners could accidentally flip over, which gives you that, that, that push away, that repel. But having a language I think is important. Chastity and I have developed a language early on that we can, you know, we use from time to time. It's like, okay, I've been triggered. I've, I've been this, I've been that. I feel like this. I feel like that it's, and it's not always comfortable to express how you feel in your feelings, in the moment. But an early stage commitment for us was when we feel it, we're going to say it rather than give a month or two month or three month or four month or whatever that to take place. So I Think that's super important. The other thing I want to mention on the list piece is I've discovered that just before.

Call it the one. Right. So I think to your point, I think you have multiple relationships along the way that teach you multiple things about yourself and about the value or the values of a relationship that you then get to accelerate and excel from at the same time. I also believe just from my own experience that every time I was about to meet the, the person that was going to help me go to the next level, a counterfeit came. They look like they're the list. They're 70 or 80% of the list. But the 70 or 80% they are aren't even the important stuff. Like they're beautiful, they're amazing, they're, you know, they're self sufficient, they have great manners, they're great with people, they're great with their friends, they're great with, you know, they have all that. But damn if they can't be loyal. Like, you know what I'm saying? I find that there's a counterfeit and I also find that for me I've discovered, it seems, also seems like we are, we get to take the test over and over and over again until we learn the lesson. Once we learn a lesson, we don't to take the test over it again. Has that been kind of your similar experience out of curiosity?

100, 100%. And I love that the counterfeit, I've experienced that every single time. And people come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Now everyone's going to be a reason if you learn from it. And ideally you're constantly learning and growing. But just as, as what you're saying, it's. Yeah. Every relationship like I think we go into relationship, whatever it is with whomever and especially a romantic partner and because of society and because love, we all want love. We're like this is it. This is the one.

Yeah.

And I think people forget that. You know, you may meet the one now, but that's a different version of you than who you might be. Like that. Who would have been the one? The person that I was dating in 2013 who I did want to get married to. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's. That person's not in alignment with who I am today. And so we, we get so caught up and going back to something you said earlier of the, the six months in between dating, the reason people don't like to do that or the serial daters is because. Right. Loneliness. Well, what is Loneliness, it's not being okay by yourself. And so we avoid and we numb and we distract from sitting with ourself and our own thoughts and the shadow side and all those nasty things. The mind is telling you you're not good enough, you don't look good, whatever. And we end up jumping into things. And when I say things, I'm not just saying relationship. There is not a single person on this planet that doesn't numb themselves. And it might be with drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs. Numbing through avoidance. Right. So that you're numbing through the tv. People numb themselves by throwing themselves into work.

Yep.

We avoid, we avoid ourselves by work. We avoid by going out all the time. And that was something that I recognized, patterns of mine and really being okay and allowing that. It was like, okay, I'm, I'm both sitting at home more than I would like to. I think I just want, I want to get out and just see people. And then I would find that there were moments where I have a local bar where I live and I would go and I had to have a glass of wine. And then I found that I was just doing that every single day because of that kind of loneliness. And then you're like, oh, I see, I see that pattern. And I, I like to always bring light and playfulness into, into the serious topics. Like we all have patterns, we all have things we do that we don't like. And it's like instead of sitting there and beating yourself up for the thing you shouldn't have done, it's like, can you recognize it with just a little bit of joy and a little bit of playfulness and be like, oh, I see, I'm doing that thing again. And there when you do that and you meet yourself with let's say that higher vibration or frequency or love, it's. We don't then tail end into this self sabotaging patterns and the beliefs and the thoughts. And so it's really, it's meeting yourself with kindness and compassion and love, which is what you would do for a friend. So really the time, not just out of relationship, but it's getting in relationship with yourself. Because what is when you think about friendship? Like we put so many expectations on our partners.

Yeah.

But we have best friends. And it's. What's the biggest difference? Well, there's loyalty, there's respect, there's. We don't have neediness.

There's also a lack of control there.

Right. A lack of control. So we're letting go of expectations and there's.

Friendship but how many people can sit there and say, I'm best friends with myself. No, we treat ourselves so badly, but then this partner to come in the.

Most horrible things to ourselves, but no.

One'S looking well, and. And everyone does it, right? And whether you say it out loud, like women will put on pants or dress and be like, oh, I don't like my flabby bat wing arms, my love handles, and it's like, is that what you would tell to your partner? If. If your partner was trying to lose weight, would you be like, hey, fatty. Hey, fatty. You look pretty bad today? No, you would. You would never do that. And so the. The whole essence and bringing that kind of playfulness to it is becoming a friend to yourself. And something that I've learned and I teach and it's so important. And this one sentence, if nothing else that people take from is love yourself, even if you don't like yourself.

Ooh, that's so good.

Yeah, Right? So can you love yourself and your shadow sides and the things that your love handles you don't like, or that you're short and you don't like, or you're. Or as women, your hair doesn't look like this. Can you. Or as a man, your business isn't where you want it to be be. Can you love yourself even if there are parts that you don't like about yourself right now? And that. That one sentence will change your life?

Yeah, no, it will. I mean, we're. I mean, we're talking about unconditional love. You know, it's funny, one of my life coaches, Paul.

You know, he. He used to. We used to end every session with, all right, Stephen, I want you to. At the very end of the session, you'd say, I want you to tell your. You say, I want you to say, I love you, Stephen, three times.

And, you know, the first. I don't know, 80 times I did, I was like, I feel like an idiot. This is done. And then on the 81st time, I'm like, no, dude, I love you. Yeah. Like, you're working so hard, you're doing so good. You're trying. You're trying to serve, you know, at scale with. With excellence. You're trying to. You're trying to be. All the standards that you said you set forth, you're keep. You're holding that. You're keeping the promises you're making to yourself. You're making daily progress. You know, it was really interesting to get there. And, you know, because my. My mantra, my typical morning mantra is I'm healthy, I'm wealthy, I am wise, I'm a steward of the most high. And then I love you, Stephen. And I added that last bit on the like the 81st time, you know, because I'm a big believer in. You can't attract a whole person if you're not a whole person yourself. Right. So wholeness is completeness. Right. And you know, respecting the, to your point, the, the physical things, you're not crazy about the bad. I tell you one that I see a lot of people struggle with and this is one that was really hard for me to break through is guilt. Like just. I made this dumb decision way back in the day for some reason is still controlling my direction.

So did you know guilt is actually the only human emotion that has no purpose? Sadness and anger, shame, even shame has purpose. They, they help, help us. Like when you feel shameful about something, that means that you don't really feel proud of, of your decisions. Guilt is the only emotion that has no purpose. It doesn't help us get anywhere. And what I've realized, because I felt a lot of guilt in my life and my therapist had said helped me understand. She's like, Nikki, this is not your guilt you're feeling. This is actually your parents some beliefs and things that they. Conditioning, they've put it because they felt so gu their life. And I was like, oh, that's right. So what I, what I realized was that guilt is a lack of conviction in your choices.

Little. Some truth bombs here.

That's good.

So if you, if you don't want to feel guilty, have convictions in your choices. So can I cut? I, I've sort of cussed a little bit. Can I cuss on this show?

Yeah, you can do what you want.

Okay, so. Because I can, I can do it the PG version, but the, the, the R version is more impactful.

Just don't go to la.

No.

So I'm going to give a sentence to people of how to get out of guilt and how to have conviction with your choices. So let's say you have a. I'm just going to make something silly up, right? You have a choice to go out with your friends and you've promised, you've committed, you said yes, but you're feeling really tired today and you're like, oh, I just. But I feel, I feel guilty if I don't go. So I want you to ask yourself, is it a yes or a no to go out? And here's the thing, people will say maybe if it is not a fuck yes, it means that it is a no. Simple as that. If you try that, that one sentence besides the other truth bombs like that question will get rid of the guilt because it actually you're answering from a place of true alignment and when do the thing that is the yes, you feel better always. Every single time. There's not one single time that I've used this and I'm like, yeah, damn, you know, I really am regretting that I stayed home last night and I feel more rested today. No, it doesn't happen because I, I did the thing that was in alignment. So yeah, asking yourself, is it a yes no will help you get conviction on your choices instead of this mind being like, yeah, should I? The other thing that I want to add, Stephen, is that the words should or shouldn't have to and need to will completely ruin your life. That that is where guilt and shame reside, is the I have to do this, I need to do this, I should do this. It's like, no, you actually don't have to do this. It is a choice.

Yeah.

That you are doing. Every single thing you're doing in your life is a choice. Going to work, that is a choice. Going to that job versus another, that's a choice. You don't need to do anything. So when we can shift the mind from oh, I have to do this to do I actually want to do this today? Do I actually want to go to this job that I hate? And if the answer is a fuck no, then great, now you have a.

New place to work.

Go get a new job straight. At least now you have some clarity on wow, I actually don't like my job. Why don't I start putting together my resume for looking for something else? And of course some fears will pop in, but this is the stuff that I work with clients on because we get so caught up in the mind and the mind trying to make decisions and then we lose touch with ourselves. And I want to, I know I'm going a long answer, but I want to add one last thing here. So our mind, the human brain.

Yep.

Is 90% subconscious matter. There is only 10% of your brain that you are actually using on a day to day basis that you're think you're trying to think your way through problems. Now the problem there is the mind is the thing that creates the problem. And we're trying to use the mind to also find the solution. So that's most people walking around are using 10% of their operating system. So what I teach people to do is how to use that full 100% and how to use the mind, not the mind to use you. And so when we get to these places where it's, you know, the, the have to, should need to are the mind, that's that 10%. So instead it's starting to using, you know, the questions and the things little nuggets that I've given that will help get you into alignment with your body, your feelings, like feeling. And I'm not just saying like woo woo emotions, I'm saying actual energy. When you walk in a room, do you feel good in your body or do you feel drained?

Yeah.

That the body will give you so much more answers. So many more answers and so much more clarity.

Yeah.

On what's right for you and what's not right for you. So I just wanted to add that.

No, I think that's amazing. In fact, one of the thoughts came up is in that mind, that internal, subconscious, conscious conversation. Right. Your subconscious trying to tell conscious, hey, you're about to get. You're going into danger, don't do it. But your conscious mind's like, no, this is something I need to do. This is my, this is my quote fire walk or this is my breakthrough. You know, I feel like they're. The only way you get to truth is by sitting with yourself and sitting with those two things. I have a, There's a meditation thing I like. It's called the warrior. It's on YouTube. Because I've, I've been battling uphill my entire life, so I have my. I'm big into warriors. I got Spartan helmets everywhere and everything like that. Right. Big old shield swords, whatever.

But one of the things that it says in, in the meditation specifically, and it's a spoken meditation, it's like I, my mind can be at odds and that's okay. It just means I'm processing. Like you're trying to discern. In some cases you could be decid trying to discern between two lies, two truths or a lying of truth at any given moment and then trying to dissect that you can only do through reflection. And one of the things that we've. That I teach people to do here is I teach the metric to create a replenishment plan. Right. So replenishment plan. You know, it's one part sabbatical, for example. So where do I go? What do I do and who am I doing it with? So when I'm feeling drained or empty or my cup is like getting close to zero. All right. I moved to Utah from North Carolina Because I love the mountains. I'm surrounded by mountains here in Lehigh. I can see Mountains as 40 miles one way and 40 miles the other way. And the scenery changes every day. You know, I got this big glass wall in my. In my. In my family room, so I have panoramic views of the landscape. And I feel charged. I also feel a charge ionization when I go to the. When I go towards the ocean, right? So that's. Where do I go? What do I do? Well, sometimes I'm just. I'm just sitting. I'm in a meditative state. I'm in a reflective state. Sometimes I might be throwing a football with somebody or the kids or, like, any number of things, right. And the reason I bring that up is because I feel like sometimes people need the tool or the tactic to. To give themselves space.

To allow them to safely filter through the nonsense. Basically, I want to go ahead and switch a little bit just because I don't. I know I don't have you forever. And that is the. The. The. The ability to heal oneself. And I'll set it. I'll set the stage with this. So Chastity, who's this amazing, beautiful woman. Woman that I'm currently partnered with and serious potential with.

Came to me about two or three weeks ago. And we've been running and gunning. So she's been. From the time that we started dating. She also has a personal brand and all that kind of stuff as well. She has a book coming out late next year. I'll set all that up later on. But of course. But. So she's got her own work she's doing. I've got my own work we're doing. And then we started helping thought leaders who have the difficulty monetize themselves put their stuff together in order so it works, right? So she's been heavily involved in that. So we've been running and gunning for months. Okay. While building, you know, while building a relationship. Like, so that's compound. Compound, compound. When she comes to me two or three weeks ago and she goes, my body's off. I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, well, this is happening, and this is happening. I just felt off. I'm like, okay. And I'm wired differently than she is. Like, I'm. I'm very much go a thousand miles an hour. It's how I'm wired.

And she comes to me, she goes, I need. I need to slow down or pause. I'm like, okay, cool. So she's. She's been in this, the slowdown slash pause mode for probably two weeks now. And she's like, she's, I'm, I'm getting back to alignment with myself, which is beautiful words, right? And of course I, as her partner, I'm like, yeah, absolutely. We do what you got to do, right? Interestingly enough, she came to me just recently. I was traveling back from North Carolina and, and got a hop on a phone call and she says, I just want you to know I did some research today. I'm like, okay, cool. On what? She says, well, my blood type is the rarest blood type in the world. And I realized that most of the foods I'm eating, most of the drinks I'm consuming conflict with that blood type. So I'm going to change everything, how I'm doing with this, that or the other thing, and I'm going to focus on what's in alignment with my blood type to start and see where it goes. And the reason I say that is because one, that's beautiful. Self awareness, honestly. Two, I know part of your journey was actually healing yourself from all kinds of various things and I just thought we could jump in using that story as a catalyst because it's one of the similarities I see with both of you guys, right? It's a lot of, a lot of.

Ultimate self awareness and the self awareness, like for people listening or watching.

For your girlfriend or for someone like you or me, like it doesn't just happen. I, I was not 20 years old with this level of self awareness. I, I was a hypochondriac. I had every medicine you could have because I was like, oh God, what if I get sick? I needed control over everything in my life. How did that then manifest on the outside? I, I had eating disorders and I tried to control ev because I felt out of control in my life and a lack of love and a lack of feeling good enough from, from which is a, you know, it's that kind of double edged sword, let's say of the, the thing that we all have wounds from, from childhood, whatever it might be. Maybe it was you were bullied or something happened with your parents or you didn't feel loved or, or whatever. Yeah, it, it can, it's both the most painful thing that we'll experience.

And it can be the greatest gift to propel you into that catalyst for change. So I am who I am and I teach what I do because of the wounds that I have from childhood. So instead of becoming a victim to the circumstances, which of course we all do, like there's still moments where I'm like, oh, why, why, why me? Right? God, like, can the universe just give me a break? Can I just, can I have like a few weeks of like nothing for just like a hot minute? And the universe is like, yeah, no, like, okay. And so I just, I share that because.

We get the awareness through that pause, through that sitting down and that slowing down. And I love the, the questions that you're asking. Who, like, where are you going? Who are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Like, for me, I do, I do what I call the solo location. So I go to, I love going to Mexico. I have my hotel, I have my, my routine. I've. I don't. Because I'm so busy in my life and I run a business and a podcast and all these things. And people rely on me when I want to turn off. I don't want to make decisions. So I want to be in my feminine, which means going to somewhere that I already know and I know what I'm going to eat there. I know my routine so that I can actually just drop down and be. And I don't bring my laptop. I bring my, my dream binder from this program that I teach. And that's where the self awareness comes, is sitting with myself for those hard conversations. And one of the hardest conversations actually was what propelled me to do the divorce is when I realized that my ex husband was very similar, almost identical to my mother and the childhood that I grew up with.

And so you always marry your parent.

Oh my God, there we go. And that was a really, really hard realization because as much as I love my mother, we don't have the best relationship, no matter what I've tried. And that's not to say that anything's wrong with her as a person. That's to say that I'm doing my own inner work because I don't like feeling in pain. And I think that people get the whole self development, inner work so wrong in that. It's not that I'm not sitting here being like, universe, can you give me another hard thing, a challenge that I can learn from? Like, I'm, I'm ready. No, I do the self work because there's pain in my life from something and I don't like pain. So the more painful your life is, that's the invitation. And when I say pain, if you think about physical pain, if, like, so our bodies, I said this in the beginning, but if you have unresolved trauma or emotions that gets stuck in the body that manifests then into lower back problems. Right shoulder, there's things on the left and right. The. So your mother, father. Right. There's all these different things. And so whether it's physical pain or it's emotional pain of like, your heart hurts or you don't trust yourself, that's pain. Or you don't feel like you're going to have love, that's pain. That's painful. So the inner work is really the catalyst of pain and trying to feel better. And instead of running and numbing, it's, let me, let me face myself and let me. What am I going to do with this information? So now that I know this thing about my mom and my. My ex, I was like, okay, all right, well, that's, that's cool. I don't want this relationship anymore because I don't want to with my mother. And that was a. And so then the question.

I don't mean to cut you off, but that's also the attraction part, right?

Yeah.

That you're, You're. That's where you think you're attracted to someone for a different set of reasons. And it actually has more to do with a comfortability or a programming from a prior experience.

And, and I'll do another little truth bomb here is we are hardwired both in our subconscious mind, right, that 90%, and our nervous system.

To the familiar hell. And we stay in the familiar hell versus going to the unfamiliar heaven. So for me, divorcing, that was the unfamiliar heaven. I then went in, I went on a few dates with someone different person than I'm mentioning and. Or that I had mentioned. And it was. It was kind of up and down and a little bit of love bombing. And not on, not intentionally in a bad way, but it was like not, sorry, not love bombing. It was a bit of what's called breadcrumb, where it's like, you know, you kind of give it and then you take it. And that was because that was his own fear coming up.

Y.

But I. I realized that was the moment that I was being tested to see am I going to do the same pattern? I'm like, oh, hell no. No, no, no. I'm not going to do the same pattern. So that was done. And you know, the, the familiar hell is anything and everything from the programming that runs in your mind. The moment you wake up saying, I'm a bad person, I'm fat, I'm this, I'm that, right? I am, are the two most powerful words in the human language. Whatever you put after that your mind believes to whatever your mind believes you will then do, you will manifest into reality. And so we get stuck in the familiar hell.

And it's terrifying to go to the unfamiliar heaven because that means having to do something different. And the mind likes certainty. The mind likes control. The mind likes routine. So it is easier to stay in an unhappy marriage or unhappy business partnership or job, because the mind, that's routine. The mind will stay there. And so you know a big part. And going back to your. Your girlfriend and the story that you said, I mean, one, that is incredible self awareness and just astounding to be able to do that. Two, I want to say that's really incredible of you as well to be that partner that wasn't triggered by it. And because that means you're securing yourself. Most partners get triggered.

Just a second. Because I wouldn't say I wasn't triggered by it, but I had a choice to adjust. Like, so the choice was made.

What you did, what you. So I actually love what you just said that that's profound that you said I actually was a little triggered. And I think that's so important because.

People think that like when we've done our level of work that we don't get triggered. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

I'm like trigger happy. I get triggered all the time. But it's. What do you do with the trigger? And that's what I'm hearing you say. So yesterday, for example, I was walking down the street and didn't have a great day. And there was this little kid, really loud, obnoxious. It was just not vibing with me. Now I have a choice. I can sit there and yell at this poor kid or his mom, or I can let it ruin my day. Because now I'm in my mind thinking that the kid shouldn't be doing whatever he's doing. And I was like, like, I'm just gonna walk a little faster and then turn left at the next street. And I did it. And then within one. One second they passed and I got on with my life. So that's a really important thing, is when you are triggered, which we will be all day and every day.

Yeah.

What are you doing with the trigger? So she has self awareness and self love and respect, by the way, to do that. That's self love and respect. You then get triggered. And that was self love and respect to not react. So I talk about how do you act and react. And you treated her like you would a friend. Yeah, right.

We.

We project onto our partner all these expectations, all these needs. You should be this. You should do that. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that how you would talk to your friend? Yeah. If your friend. If your best friend in the world came to you and was like, stephen, you know, I have this blood type, and I know we go out often, a few times a week, but I think I'm going to change my diet and I'm going to start going to the gym. I might not see you as. And I know you're a fit guy, but this is why people get really triggered when their partners or spouses or friends start working out, because we inherently then look at ourselves and we start judging ourselves. Oh, I can't do that. Oh, I must be bad, because I'm not. So we get triggered all the time, that mere reflection. And, you know, in that you would say to your friend, all right, good on you. Yeah, I hope it goes well. And you might actually be inspired by your friend. And I think that's. That's what I'm hearing happened with this interaction, which is. I love that we expanded it.

Yeah. No. And that's what would have shared out of authenticity and transparency. That's one of the things I'm super passionate about, because I feel like people learn far more from us talking about, okay, yeah, we still get triggered. We get this. And in that specific sense, for me, it was the. I think. I think this is the first thing that goes through everybody's mind, did I do something wrong? Right. And I had a choice in the moment to say, well, there's no right or wrong here. This. My partner is telling me with clarity what she needs. And as a partner, I get to choose right now, do I support her getting what she needs? And if you're going to be in a healthy relationship, then your partner should support you getting healthy needs, including if that means you are in a different room while they're doing their thing, out and about, running around, Pilates or hiking. Like, that's what I would want. I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to be manipulated. You know, there's a time and a place where. And this is. This is the interesting thing. This is the. I think this gets into polarity a little bit. Right. Or the pool.

Let's. I. I love tantra polarity, all of these things. I'm like, let's go.

So it's the push, pull. Right. So I've discovered that when you act, when you truly support your partner's best interest, meaning your best. And their best interest is not often your self interest. Okay, so her saying, hey, I need this time for myself.

You know why I'm sorry to interrupt?

It's because we want carbon copies of ourselves. We want carbon copies. But the problem is, if you've ever dated a carbon copy of yourself, you actually get bored. Pretty.

Oh, yeah. And you're miserable.

You're miserable because we need. We need contrast in our life. We need, like, where you live, you get a lot of sun. So when there's a day of clouds, it's. It's a. It's nice, right?

Yeah.

I live in London, where we. We don't see the sun so often. And we just had one week, like. But I came from Miami where it was sunny every day, and I got to London, I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So then we just had. After a few months, we had one week of the most spectacular weather. And it fulfilled and nourished me so much. And then it went cloudy and I'm like, I feel so good. So we actually need contrast. But we as. And I'll pass the. The mic back to you to finish your story. But we want carbon copies of ourselves, which is also why when. When you have kids, we want carbon copies of ourselves. Why? Because it's easy. We know what to do with a carbon copy of ourselves.

Yeah.

And when there's not, it triggers us. Why? Because we. We want control. All of us. And I'm not saying that from a bad place. I'm saying that is the reptilian brain. That is the, essentially the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This 10% the conscious mind, and not just the conscious mind, but your brain is constantly looking for danger and it wants to survive. That's it. That we can like, put everything down to that. And so when there's something that is a challenge to us, a trigger or.

Yeah.

We don't know how to handle it, the brain is going, alert, alert. Danger. Danger.

Yeah.

And it's. It's not really. So. Okay, passing that back to you.

No, I. No, I'm glad you. I'm glad you interjected there because that's super important. I think the, the interesting thing was is I discovered that true polarity operates in opposite of logical thought 100%. Right. So he would think, well, so and so wants distance. They don't love me. Or so and so needs this. And they don't want to do it without me, so they don't love me. Reality is, is when they're Self aware enough. And you're both operating in a mature state. Femininity, masculinity, which I think we're. We're definitely on the, on the range, more of the range of the healthy masculine female. We. And we tiptoe back and forth. I have, I have to work on leaning into femininity.

You're. You're feminine. Yep.

And I am, I'm super masculine.

I guess I just want to interject really quick on that of that also. Both women and men get into this thing where there. It's like, oh, I'm. I'm feminine and my guy needs to be masculine. No, you actually just like we have the sun and the moon, we have land and we have sky, we have water, we have mountains. You need. Every single human being needs to be in a healthy range of both of them. Of masculine. And. And you might have a more dominant one, which is fine. Like I am very much in my masculine in business, but I've learned how to be the masculine not out of fear, because masculine is what was driving me out of fear, but how to be the healthy masculine so that I can hold that space for women in a. In a safe. I create the structure. Right. That's masculine. And then I show up as my feminine. And so for you, what I'm hearing, and this is beautiful is that you're aware of. Oh, right. Self. Self awareness. Oh, I.

That's about it is. Is like, you know, when you lean into. When your partner. First of all, when you can get to a healthy state of maturity with your partner, when they can communicate what they need. Okay. And sometimes what they need is not necessarily with you. Like they, you know, I show up in all areas of my life. You know, she mentioned before, she's like, I want to show up every now and again. Let me show up. You know, so I'm like, okay, that's telling my. Does my partner tell me what she needs? Okay, so what does that look like? And you work and you walk it through and talk it through, but in the, in the grand scheme of things, when you release the expectation or you release the. The aspiration of expectation. I think it should be this way because, you know, you're def. You're basing what you think a relationship should be often times by prior relationships and what you witness as a child. Okay. So to, to the extent of that's.

Healthy or not healthy and, and celebrities and society and all these culture. Cinderella stories.

Exactly. Yeah. So but when you release them, the crazy part is, is they actually come back like they. They go away for. We'll call it a hot season. So, you know, she told me she wanted to focus on our. Like, she just. I want to focus on us. I want to focus on the kids, and I want to focus on basically nesting, right? So I'm like, okay, cool. That's awesome, right? Last night, you know, her. Her book agent reached out to her, and they're ready to fire stuff up. She goes, okay, I'm ready to roll. Let's go. I'm like, fantastic. You know, so it's interesting that polarity operates in opposite of logic, because, again, you would think someone's doing this and that I'm not loved. I'm not this, I'm not that. And those are all triggers and things we have to work through. But if you can get to the. The state in which you can release and not with release, with no expectation, like, okay, like, it's actually like, cool, babe. Go enjoy yourself. Like, let me know how Pilates is. Let me know the mountain hike is with the. With the other people. Like, just let me know. Know I'm here. Like, it ends up build. It ends up building the intimacy required to actually have a sustainable relationship long term. And it also makes each partner continue to grow evenly or a bit more like this. Because what you and I talked about at the very beginning of the show is, like, if one partner's growing and the other partner's not, there's a natural expansion between the two, and it's not before long before it ends, right? So one of the things or.

Or if it doesn't end, then, I mean, you and I both know the amount of people that are in resentful relationships, sexless marriages.

No touch, They're. They're like friends, but, like, not even really. And then they say, and this is the worst phrase that you. I get. So I get very angry when people tell me this. We're staying together for the kids. And I'm like, do you know what that's teaching your kids? That's teaching your kids to stay in an unhappy marriage for other people. So put everyone else first, not yourself. So essentially what you're telling your kids is, don't be happy. Is that what you really want to teach the kids? And when I frame it like that, people are like, oh.

Oh, I think.

I'm gonna make a phone call.

Or at least that's where that. The invitation of the. The. The awareness is. Is it's not to say, you need to go make a decision now. It's to say, is that what you want to be teaching your kids.

Yeah.

And when it's like, my parents got divorced when I was 14, and they stayed together for me, quote unquote. And I was like, why? You guys hated each other by the end of it. Like, that didn't give me a healthy view on relation. And I love my parents. Right. And. And I'm grateful for the work that I've done and based on what they went through, but I'm like, like, no, you guys probably should have gotten divorced when I was like, one. Honestly, like, not before, because I'm really glad I'm here. But maybe not 14 years later, because that did a little bit of damage.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

And one thing. Oh, sorry. I was gonna say the one. One thing I was. I would want to add there is what will happen when. When couples stay in an unhappy marriage like that for the kids is that the kid grows up thinking that it did something wrong because the parent was not as loving as you can be. Why? Because you cannot be loving to someone else if you are in a hateful, resentful marriage. You can't. So the kid will grow up thinking, what did I do wrong? That question you asked, and it's like, well, you didn't do anything wrong, but your mom or dad didn't love themselves, so you can't give love that you don't have.

Yeah, thousand percent, thousand percent. You know, it's funny. I know we're already over on time, but I'm going to ask. I'm going to ask one more question, and it's only because I'm feeling compelled to. And the question is this. Is there something sitting in your energy or on your heart that we haven't disclosed today that you think the audience needs to hear?

Yes. Yes, I knew it was there.

Go for it.

I mean, I have so many things, you see, I get fired up. Jazz stuff. I love these sort of conversations. And I always like to say to you, if you're listening, like every podcast I do is take a pen and a piece of paper and write notes, write aha moments, write key phrases, write what you learn. And I DM me, message me, email me. I love hearing what people took away, but what the last thing that I would say is the amount of people, Everyone, pretty much. And there's moments, Stephen, that you and I go through this too, where there's things that we don't like about ourselves, our business or the relationship, whatever. Or your kids, you're triggered by them.

Here is the thing I want you to remember. You cannot hate yourself into change. You can only love yourself into change. You cannot hate yourself into a loving relationship. Yeah, their contrast doesn't work. And so I say that because the amount of women that are like, I hate my body. And I'm like.

But do you think if you said, I hate my relationship, that it would be a loving, healthy relationship? And they say, no. I'm like, so what makes you think that your relationship with your body or your business is going to be any different? You cannot hate yourself into change. You can only love yourself into change.

That's so stinking good. I knew it was there. I knew it was there. I love it. I love it. Well, look, I know, I know everybody can find you all over the place. Is there a specific place that you would like everybody to come and visit you and learn more about what's going on in your life?

I mean, I love Instagram. Say hi. I. I do everything my own social media, so pop in the dms. Nikki Sharp dot com. Check out programs, the Sharper Life podcast. But, yeah, just come say hi.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. I really appreciate you. We have to do more of this, for sure.

Absolutely. Thank you so much, Stephen.

All right, take care. I hope you liked that video. And if you did, make sure you check out this next video right here.

I would say there's two major things.

That we see newer investors get wrong. The first one, they only focus on return and they do not focus on risk.